Guest guest Posted March 3, 2012 Report Share Posted March 3, 2012 Hello, I have been reading your stories all day and I feel comfortable enough to ask a couple questions without being judged... I went NC with my nada about a month ago. She attempted to completely ruin my life. My car and cellphone were in her name because I just moved from South America to the US (I came back because she got diagnosed with cancer). We had an argument, she called the cell phone company, reported my brand new phone as stolen and threatened to go to the police and to my job to accuse me of stealing the car. She took both things from me, which added up to thousands of dollars I had paid in last few months. She also somehow managed to have me thrown out of the house I was renting because the owner was her boyfriend's friend. I had to, once again, hold myself back from slapping her. More than the money, I'm hurt at the fact that my own mother would want to ruin me like it's nothing. I went to a psychologist the day after everything happened. She has been treating my step-father for years, my nada tried to ruin his life too a few years ago, but that's a story in itself. All my life I have seen my nada destroy people, and I got tired of it at about 9. Ever since then, whenever she attempts to destroy a good person, I try my best to make sure it doesn't happen. The part that irritated me the most was that after we had the argument I mentioned above, she posted on Facebook that I was worse than trash! Since we are from South America, that's the main way we have to communicate with my whole family. I have built an amazing support system around me and have been very blessed with the ppl I have around, none of which are biologically related to me. Unfortunately, they don't fully understand what it's like to love my nada, but also know that I can't have her in my life. After she pulled all those stunts, she wrote me an email telling me that she loves me and if I need anything she will be right there to help me... WHAT??!!! Life has been much calmer since I went NC with her, but I have had a sharp pain in my chest ever since too, especially because she has had to undergo surgeries while we haven't been in contact. I'm a private person, don't really like to share things, especially something so personal like my nada's mental illness. My question for you is... Does it ever go away?? The guilty feeling of knowing that her reality is a huge chaos but deciding to not be part of it?? Not everything was bad with her, she tried to love me, but it just never worked. She had a horrible example of a mother and was sexually abused by her father. I feel like she can't help the person she is, but I just can't keep playing the " I love you/ I hate you " game anymore... I'm at the border of a depression, my biological father attempted to commit suicide after my nada got done with him, and I have always promised myself she will never do that to me... I know what I need to do... But for some reason my conscience tells me to go back to the chaos and stick out, because I love her ... Camila Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 5, 2012 Report Share Posted March 5, 2012 Hi Camilla, Welcome to the Group. My nada is deceased now, but when she was still alive I felt that for the sake of my own sanity and physical health that I had to choose to cut all contact with her. It was not an easy choice, and I wish I didn't have to do it, but I was beginning to experience very debilitating physical symptoms from having contact with her; just hearing her voice resulted in me experiencing symptoms like Meniere's Disease. I had to choose my own survival over my nada's feelings. Now that she has died, I am finally beginning to heal, I think. Its finally OK for me to let myself remember that she wasn't all bad all the time, and that she did love me, but she was also a highly disturbed and toxic individual who often expressed her version of " love " in very destructive ways. Its really, really hard to wrap my mind around this dichotomy, this paradox: my mother believed she loved me but she also hated me and felt entitled to hurt me. But she never really experienced me as " me " , I was just a reflection of herself, whom she both loved and hated. If our nadas were all-bad to us ALL the time, it would be easy for us to recognize how destructive and dangerous they are, and flee for our own safety. Its precisely BECAUSE our nadas can sometimes be (or appear to be) sweet, kind, thoughtful and loving, and BECAUSE their toxic, malicious behaviors are not usually immediately life-threatening to us, and BECAUSE we are genetically hard-wired to love and trust our own mothers, that this whole issue of having a " Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde " for a mother becomes such a nearly-insurmountable issue for us adult kids to handle. So, I think you have found a group of people here who have experienced similar feelings and circumstances to the ones you are facing. We " get it. " We are figuring out how to best manage these issues ourselves, or are working our way out of the devastation and damage left behind, like a natural disaster victims, and although our paths to peace and healing may be different from each other, and there is no one " best " or " right " way to handle this stuff, we are here to give each other emotional support. -Annie > > Hello, > > I have been reading your stories all day and I feel comfortable enough to ask a couple questions without being judged... I went NC with my nada about a month ago. She attempted to completely ruin my life. My car and cellphone were in her name because I just moved from South America to the US (I came back because she got diagnosed with cancer). We had an argument, she called the cell phone company, reported my brand new phone as stolen and threatened to go to the police and to my job to accuse me of stealing the car. She took both things from me, which added up to thousands of dollars I had paid in last few months. She also somehow managed to have me thrown out of the house I was renting because the owner was her boyfriend's friend. I had to, once again, hold myself back from slapping her. More than the money, I'm hurt at the fact that my own mother would want to ruin me like it's nothing. I went to a psychologist the day after everything happened. She has been treating my step-father for years, my nada tried to ruin his life too a few years ago, but that's a story in itself. All my life I have seen my nada destroy people, and I got tired of it at about 9. Ever since then, whenever she attempts to destroy a good person, I try my best to make sure it doesn't happen. The part that irritated me the most was that after we had the argument I mentioned above, she posted on Facebook that I was worse than trash! Since we are from South America, that's the main way we have to communicate with my whole family. I have built an amazing support system around me and have been very blessed with the ppl I have around, none of which are biologically related to me. Unfortunately, they don't fully understand what it's like to love my nada, but also know that I can't have her in my life. After she pulled all those stunts, she wrote me an email telling me that she loves me and if I need anything she will be right there to help me... WHAT??!!! Life has been much calmer since I went NC with her, but I have had a sharp pain in my chest ever since too, especially because she has had to undergo surgeries while we haven't been in contact. I'm a private person, don't really like to share things, especially something so personal like my nada's mental illness. My question for you is... Does it ever go away?? The guilty feeling of knowing that her reality is a huge chaos but deciding to not be part of it?? Not everything was bad with her, she tried to love me, but it just never worked. She had a horrible example of a mother and was sexually abused by her father. I feel like she can't help the person she is, but I just can't keep playing the " I love you/ I hate you " game anymore... I'm at the border of a depression, my biological father attempted to commit suicide after my nada got done with him, and I have always promised myself she will never do that to me... I know what I need to do... But for some reason my conscience tells me to go back to the chaos and stick out, because I love her ... > > Camila > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 5, 2012 Report Share Posted March 5, 2012 Welcome, Camilla! The best advice I can give you is to read as much as you can stand on this subject. You are right (and normal) to be feeling and thinking all the things that you are. The short answer as to why you can't just let it go and be done . . . it is the same reason the dog that gets beat and starved still loves its master. We have been conditioned since childhood to accept the unacceptable and to see it as 'normal.' We occasionally got what we needed, so we keep going back, hoping to again receive the love and nurturing that our parents promised us. Add to that our parents are not all bad, and they most often are victims of abuse themselves, which just helps us feel guilty about expecting them to meet our needs. > > Hello, > > I have been reading your stories all day and I feel comfortable enough to ask a couple questions without being judged... I went NC with my nada about a month ago. She attempted to completely ruin my life. My car and cellphone were in her name because I just moved from South America to the US (I came back because she got diagnosed with cancer). We had an argument, she called the cell phone company, reported my brand new phone as stolen and threatened to go to the police and to my job to accuse me of stealing the car. She took both things from me, which added up to thousands of dollars I had paid in last few months. She also somehow managed to have me thrown out of the house I was renting because the owner was her boyfriend's friend. I had to, once again, hold myself back from slapping her. More than the money, I'm hurt at the fact that my own mother would want to ruin me like it's nothing. I went to a psychologist the day after everything happened. She has been treating my step-father for years, my nada tried to ruin his life too a few years ago, but that's a story in itself. All my life I have seen my nada destroy people, and I got tired of it at about 9. Ever since then, whenever she attempts to destroy a good person, I try my best to make sure it doesn't happen. The part that irritated me the most was that after we had the argument I mentioned above, she posted on Facebook that I was worse than trash! Since we are from South America, that's the main way we have to communicate with my whole family. I have built an amazing support system around me and have been very blessed with the ppl I have around, none of which are biologically related to me. Unfortunately, they don't fully understand what it's like to love my nada, but also know that I can't have her in my life. After she pulled all those stunts, she wrote me an email telling me that she loves me and if I need anything she will be right there to help me... WHAT??!!! Life has been much calmer since I went NC with her, but I have had a sharp pain in my chest ever since too, especially because she has had to undergo surgeries while we haven't been in contact. I'm a private person, don't really like to share things, especially something so personal like my nada's mental illness. My question for you is... Does it ever go away?? The guilty feeling of knowing that her reality is a huge chaos but deciding to not be part of it?? Not everything was bad with her, she tried to love me, but it just never worked. She had a horrible example of a mother and was sexually abused by her father. I feel like she can't help the person she is, but I just can't keep playing the " I love you/ I hate you " game anymore... I'm at the border of a depression, my biological father attempted to commit suicide after my nada got done with him, and I have always promised myself she will never do that to me... I know what I need to do... But for some reason my conscience tells me to go back to the chaos and stick out, because I love her ... > > Camila > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 6, 2012 Report Share Posted March 6, 2012 Hi Camila, Welcome to the group. For me, the guilty feeling has slowly, very, very gradually receded, as I have gone lower and lower in contact with nada and built more and more positive people and experiences into my life. I avoided nada's fury for many years. Until I was honest with her and set clear boundaries with her, I didn't really feel " free. " I know how you feel about loving her and wanting to be there for her in her chaos, but I finally realized I wasn't helping my mother at all. I was just helping set her own problems more firmly in place. She needs professional help. Your mother's having surgery must be hard for you; I know, when I was NC for a while with my nada, things went on as well but I just couldn't get sucked back into her tornado. I did feel guilt and developed physical chest pain, my guilt was so severe, but I had to stand my ground. Believe me, there are days when the guilt and obligation feelings hit me hard. But it's less and less. Being in therapy, and being here have been huge helps to me. We're here for you! Fiona > > Hello, > > I have been reading your stories all day and I feel comfortable enough to ask a couple questions without being judged... I went NC with my nada about a month ago. She attempted to completely ruin my life. My car and cellphone were in her name because I just moved from South America to the US (I came back because she got diagnosed with cancer). We had an argument, she called the cell phone company, reported my brand new phone as stolen and threatened to go to the police and to my job to accuse me of stealing the car. She took both things from me, which added up to thousands of dollars I had paid in last few months. She also somehow managed to have me thrown out of the house I was renting because the owner was her boyfriend's friend. I had to, once again, hold myself back from slapping her. More than the money, I'm hurt at the fact that my own mother would want to ruin me like it's nothing. I went to a psychologist the day after everything happened. She has been treating my step-father for years, my nada tried to ruin his life too a few years ago, but that's a story in itself. All my life I have seen my nada destroy people, and I got tired of it at about 9. Ever since then, whenever she attempts to destroy a good person, I try my best to make sure it doesn't happen. The part that irritated me the most was that after we had the argument I mentioned above, she posted on Facebook that I was worse than trash! Since we are from South America, that's the main way we have to communicate with my whole family. I have built an amazing support system around me and have been very blessed with the ppl I have around, none of which are biologically related to me. Unfortunately, they don't fully understand what it's like to love my nada, but also know that I can't have her in my life. After she pulled all those stunts, she wrote me an email telling me that she loves me and if I need anything she will be right there to help me... WHAT??!!! Life has been much calmer since I went NC with her, but I have had a sharp pain in my chest ever since too, especially because she has had to undergo surgeries while we haven't been in contact. I'm a private person, don't really like to share things, especially something so personal like my nada's mental illness. My question for you is... Does it ever go away?? The guilty feeling of knowing that her reality is a huge chaos but deciding to not be part of it?? Not everything was bad with her, she tried to love me, but it just never worked. She had a horrible example of a mother and was sexually abused by her father. I feel like she can't help the person she is, but I just can't keep playing the " I love you/ I hate you " game anymore... I'm at the border of a depression, my biological father attempted to commit suicide after my nada got done with him, and I have always promised myself she will never do that to me... I know what I need to do... But for some reason my conscience tells me to go back to the chaos and stick out, because I love her ... > > Camila > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 6, 2012 Report Share Posted March 6, 2012 Thank you ladies for your support. Being able to label my nada's craziness is completely new to me and I think I'm still going through my grieving cycle. I have an appointment with my therapist this week, we shall see what she has to say. I am very glad to be a part of this group. Again, thanks!! > > > > Hello, > > > > I have been reading your stories all day and I feel comfortable enough to ask a couple questions without being judged... I went NC with my nada about a month ago. She attempted to completely ruin my life. My car and cellphone were in her name because I just moved from South America to the US (I came back because she got diagnosed with cancer). We had an argument, she called the cell phone company, reported my brand new phone as stolen and threatened to go to the police and to my job to accuse me of stealing the car. She took both things from me, which added up to thousands of dollars I had paid in last few months. She also somehow managed to have me thrown out of the house I was renting because the owner was her boyfriend's friend. I had to, once again, hold myself back from slapping her. More than the money, I'm hurt at the fact that my own mother would want to ruin me like it's nothing. I went to a psychologist the day after everything happened. She has been treating my step-father for years, my nada tried to ruin his life too a few years ago, but that's a story in itself. All my life I have seen my nada destroy people, and I got tired of it at about 9. Ever since then, whenever she attempts to destroy a good person, I try my best to make sure it doesn't happen. The part that irritated me the most was that after we had the argument I mentioned above, she posted on Facebook that I was worse than trash! Since we are from South America, that's the main way we have to communicate with my whole family. I have built an amazing support system around me and have been very blessed with the ppl I have around, none of which are biologically related to me. Unfortunately, they don't fully understand what it's like to love my nada, but also know that I can't have her in my life. After she pulled all those stunts, she wrote me an email telling me that she loves me and if I need anything she will be right there to help me... WHAT??!!! Life has been much calmer since I went NC with her, but I have had a sharp pain in my chest ever since too, especially because she has had to undergo surgeries while we haven't been in contact. I'm a private person, don't really like to share things, especially something so personal like my nada's mental illness. My question for you is... Does it ever go away?? The guilty feeling of knowing that her reality is a huge chaos but deciding to not be part of it?? Not everything was bad with her, she tried to love me, but it just never worked. She had a horrible example of a mother and was sexually abused by her father. I feel like she can't help the person she is, but I just can't keep playing the " I love you/ I hate you " game anymore... I'm at the border of a depression, my biological father attempted to commit suicide after my nada got done with him, and I have always promised myself she will never do that to me... I know what I need to do... But for some reason my conscience tells me to go back to the chaos and stick out, because I love her ... > > > > Camila > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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