The psychosis / BPD connection

[Guest guest]

Following on from some recent conversations on this topic, I wanted to share

that my nada is in the midst of a psychotic episode for the first time.

Although, looking back, it has probably been going on (undiagnosed) in a

mild(er) form for more than two years. Fortunately perhaps, the current

episode was followed by anxiety attacks, which meant a friend was able to

drag her to hospital and a psychiatrist was able to prescribe her with

anti-psychotic medication. Such a relief that she is in the care of the

medical profession at long last....

I just wanted to comment though on the BDP/schizophrenia/psychotic link.

From my own experience, I cannot believe that BDP and psychosis are not

strongly connected. The current hallucinations and 'persecutory

experiences' my nada is having are so so so similar to her previous

delusions. For my entire life, she's been continually convinced that people

are being horrible to her, attacking her, ignoring her, abusing her,

deliberately trying to intimidate her etc etc.

A recurring theme of this is neighbour related. She has moved house about

once a year/every two years for the past 15 years because the neighbours

have been 'attacking her verbally,' 'ignoring her and shutting her out,'

'deliberately banging on adjoining walls to punish her for accidentally

making some noise in her flat,' and so on. This escalated in her last

appartment - she started believing that her neighbour was recording her.

She thought she could hear clicking noises and voices of people talking

about recording her. (I assumed she was just being paranoid and hearing

things that weren't there because she has spent the last 5 years trying to

record her neighbours to prove to the police/local authorities that they

are harassing her with noise i.e. I thought she was projecting).

But it turns out she is actually hearing and seeing things which are not

there. Maybe this has even been the case for years, perhaps in a milder

form. Anyway, the delusional beliefs from pre- and post-hallucinating stage

seem so so similar that I just wanted to share - the only differences is

that now the beliefs are backed up with hallucinations - would love to hear

of others experiences of this!

On a related point, this might sound odd, but since I read her psychiatrists

letter explaining that she is having a psychotic episode consisting of

auditory hallucinations and persecutory experiences I have never felt

better. All of a sudden I see nada completely differently. I'm able to use

the term 'nada' for the first time without feeling guilty and disloyal, and

when I look at her I see a sick, severely mentally disturbed woman, and not

a scary, volatile, violent mother. Suddenly I 'know' (rather than try to

make myself believe) that I am not responsible for her feelings and her

well-being. That I cannot make everything okay for her and never will be

able to. That her temper tantrums and meltdowns are not my doing and cannot

be 'managed' by me. That I am not weird/a freak/an outlier of society (my

own recurring theme) because I'm anxious, nervous, lack confidence, lack

trust in people, and expect the worst from them most of the time - as this

is an entirely 'normal' response to being 'raised' by a delusional, severely

mentally ill woman...(Not that I won't be working on these things...)

Not sure what the change is - why things make more sense now. Whether its

the use of the term psychosis by her doctor. Or the external validation of

having a medical professional confirm that she is seriously mentally ill. Or

that finally it has really sunk in that BPD is a serious mental health

condition that is bound to have a seriously negative effect on the holder's

children.

Hoping this feeling lasts....anyway, I just wanted to share some of this

with people who may get it.

All the best to you all,

Sara