Spot the Abuse: Deciphering a Nada Pattern

March 5, 2012

Hi everyone, Years ago, when I was in therapy and just learning about BPD, I had

a hard time explaining nada's abuse to my therapists. Some, at first, actually

appeared not to believe me--one, I'll never forget, actually corrected me for

saying I felt sexually assaulted. She said it was disrespectful to *real rape

victims.

That was a student therapist, and I hope since that time she's learned more

about bpd mothers--I know I certainly have. And I now know how to uncover and

articulate the way that a nada can systematically theme-abuse her black sheep

child. I want to describe it a little, in case it can help anyone move faster

than I did.

The first thing to understand, is that a nada has projection-themes. This will

be something that a nada is terrified of in herself, and she will seek to

project it onto her black sheep child. It will be relentless. It will be a

lifelong theme. With the energy of the truly insane, she will *never let up,

and she will use the tiniest grain of any apparent truth to try and help her do

this. My own nada was terrified of being unattractive to men and 'unworthy' as

a Madonna-figure. (We are Catholics by birth.) So you can imagine what I got

hit with. It was extremely painful. It was, and is, her life's theme and

obsession for me. It means that this was basically all I was to her--I was,

from birth, objectified and sexualized--but, as an UN-desirable sex object. My

split good sister got to be the one worshipped, and I was compared to her. Good

times.

Next, it's important to get that sometimes--maybe even often--nada will try to

mask her abuse on this theme with exaggerated compliments in the area.

Especially in front of strangers or the public. So, a child whose lifelong

abuse theme was physical weakness would be presented as a powerhouse; stupid as

brilliant. So with me, from time to time I'd get these over the top compliments

about my beauty. Just so she could tell herself she wasn't really doing what

she was doing to abuse me. Again--especially in front of people. The fact that

the compliments hurt just as much as the insults, is the first clue that this is

all part of nada's theme-bash.

Finally. The abuse has to be taken in context. My nada very rarely touched me

(though she did sometimes), and she did not do a lot of things that meet the

literal definition of sexual abuse. However, she made it her lifelong theme to

make me feel (1) only sexual, nothing else; and (2) gros in that regard. And

she used every possible subtle and sometimes not so subtle technique to do so.

It was a combination of physical, verbal and emotional abuse, and ACTIONS to her

design, and also--this was by far the worst--comparisons with split good

princess, by action and by words. There was SO much. Buying things to 'fix' me

even though I hadn't asked for them--every kindof drug store personal care you

could think of, all implying I was gros and needed it. Refusing (by action, not

words) to keep me stocked with things I *really needed--toothpaste, toilet

paper, feminine needs, you name it--and then severely, severely shaming and

chastizing me if I used any of my sister's things. Always buying my sister

luxury items and clothing--not allowing me to even enter her closet; buying me

wholly inferior things. (Cinderalla style, seriously!) Insisting on insulting

and sexualizing me when I'd try to leave the house--trying to tell me I was

'hanging out of that dress' or, 'nobody wants to see that' (as if my clothes

were too revealing or tight), or pointing out in a disgusting tone any blemish

or imperfection I might have had at th time. Withholding, of COURSE, any

compliments on my appearance whatsoever whilst worshipping her golden child.

(Except for when she was worshipping me in front of people, at which point I was

supposed to believe her and feign gratefulness.) And of course the invasive

touches--I won't go into those in detail bks they are triggering to so many of

us including me--but we'll just say, they were there, and they were part of the

whole picture.

And that's my point. There was a *whole picture. Any one incident might not

seem like that big of a deal on its own, but put it all together for OVER 30

YEARS, especially the most formative ones during puberty but really from the day

I was born...So, for anyone just starting out with a therapist or with the

books, who is trying to put their finger on what the nada abuse was--I'd say

start with a few ideas. First, believe that nada did indeed WANT to hurt you.

She needs to project her theme fear onto you so she won't feel it herself. She

does this intentionally, even though she most of the time won't admit it even to

herself. She thinks it's ok. She thinks it's justified, because you are not

really separate from her anyway, and she HURTS so bad and needs it. (Bull

s...actually she DOESN " T hurt, because she successfully projects it onto her

black sheep.)

Second, understand that almost all abuse is going to be masked, hidden, implied,

glossed over, so that nada can try and deny it to herself and (more importantly)

to other people.

And last, understand that it's a pattern. You have to understand each small

incident in context. In the context of a truly crazy person who is obsessed

with dumping on her innocent child, an exaggerated level of terror at her own

shortcomings.

I hope this is interesting to you all and would love to hear feedback if it

helps anyone.

--CHarlie

March 5, 2012

Its uncanny how similar our experiences were in this specific regard: we were

both " negatively sexualized " by our nadas in really similar ways.

My nada was rather narcissistic pd as well as borderline pd, and like yours was

hyper-concerned with her own attractiveness; she chose to project all her worst,

most negative, self-loathing views of her own self onto me, her " appendage. "

Nothing about my physical self was ever good enough or attractive enough for my

nada, I was rather constantly subjected to criticism about my appearance:

physical attributes I could do nothing about. I couldn't help the size of my

ears, or my hair texture and color, or the fact that I was very nearsighted. Or

being kind of short, with relatively wide hands and short fingers. When I

became a teen, I couldn't help having bad skin, although Lord knows I tried

everything available back then. Yet I was relentlessly made to feel deeply

ashamed over these things, and inferior, and actually rather repulsive. The

cherry on top: I was then shamed and humiliated by both parents for being very

shy and awkward.

The most uncannily similar thing you wrote about was that my nada would go out

of her way to sometimes compliment me in public, which only confused and

embarrassed me, while continuing to shame and humiliate me in private,

demonstrating quite clearly how much she actually despised my physicality when

we were alone, with no witnesses.

When I look back at photos of myself from when I was a child and teen, I look

pretty sad. Even if I'm smiling, its a lopsided, sad smile. And I was not

repulsive. I was just a regular-looking child and teen, but felt like a female

version of Quasimodo.

And you are right: its the cumulative impact of years and years of covert

emotional abuse, the pattern of abuse, that tells the tale and does the damage.

Any one incident can be explained away, but a repeating, chronic pattern of

abusive behavior means that the perpetrator is actually quite hostile toward her

victim, and means to do damage.

The fact that most of the shaming, negative, hostile, insulting comments are

made covertly, in private, or in passive-aggressive, indirect ways, means that

nada *knows* its wrong and she needs to hide it.

I'm glad you shared your experience; what happened to you really resonates with

me, unfortunately.

As Doug says, may we all heal.

-Annie

>

> Hi everyone, Years ago, when I was in therapy and just learning about BPD, I

had a hard time explaining nada's abuse to my therapists. Some, at first,

actually appeared not to believe me--one, I'll never forget, actually corrected

me for saying I felt sexually assaulted. She said it was disrespectful to *real

rape victims.

>

> That was a student therapist, and I hope since that time she's learned more

about bpd mothers--I know I certainly have. And I now know how to uncover and

articulate the way that a nada can systematically theme-abuse her black sheep

child. I want to describe it a little, in case it can help anyone move faster

than I did.

>

> The first thing to understand, is that a nada has projection-themes. This

will be something that a nada is terrified of in herself, and she will seek to