Forgiveness

July 28, 2011

So, I've recently startind reading " surviving the borderline mother " It's a

really good book and I feel like it helps me understand this illness. However,

when I got to the forgiveness chapter in the book I couldn't read it. I don't

know if I can forgive my nada for everything she put me through. Not yet

atleast. Especially since her idea of " forgiveness " is that everything will be

completely fine when I forgive her. like nothing ever happened. After all of the

years of her mental illness along with drug use, I just don't think I can let

her pretend like none of it ever happened, and I know that's how she will be if

I forgive her now. It already hurts enough that she says some of it didn't take

place. I don't know if I could handle her denying everything completely. I guess

when I got to that part of the book I was just surprised. I feel guilty because

I can't forgive her. I feel like if I did then maybe she wouldn't lash out. But

I just can't do it. I

can't take that step and I'm a little afraid that I might not ever be able

to....

July 28, 2011

There are two books with similar titles, one is " Surviving A Borderline Parent " ,

and the other is " Understanding The Borderline Mother. " Its been years now

since I read " Understanding The Borderline Mother " , so I can't reference that

chapter (I loaned the book to a former friend and never got it back), but in any

case, I personally don't think its a requirement that you HAVE to forgive your

bpd mother in order to find inner peace, find healing, and have a more enjoyable

life. Its totally and only about *what works for you*, what you find tolerable,

reasonable, and doable. Please don't beat yourself up if you find that you

either are not ready to consider forgiveness or if its just not relevant to you.

I happen to agree with you; if the individual who has repeatedly hurt you

refuses to admit that she's hurt you, and if you remain in contact with her she

will continue to hurt you whether you forgive her or not.... then the question

of forgiveness is kind of a moot point: a non-issue, seems to me.

Instead, perhaps you will feel more comfortable with simple emotional

detachment. Its an option: just wishing her well and walking away, either

emotionally or physically or both.

It doesn't make you a bad daughter or a bad human being to simply withdraw your

trust, bonding, or your physical body away from someone who is repeatedly

harmful to you.

There is no time-table, either. You get to mull over what it is that YOU want,

for as long as you need to think about it.

You get to decide if you want a relationship at all, and if you do want to

remain in contact, you get to decide the frequency and duration.

You get to accept or discard any information you glean from any book, or from

your therapist, your friends, or this Group, or from your own heart, you get to

select whatever elements feel right to you, and put together your own customized

way to cope with your bpd mother and your own situation.

Some of us need to forgive (however it is that we individually define

forgiveness) in order to find healing and peace, but others do not feel this

need, and can simply detach, move forward and find healing and peace anyway.

There is no one right way, or only way, or best way to find peace and healing;

its just about finding what works for YOU. And you get to change your mind,

too! If you find that one way isn't working for you, you can try another way if

you want to.

Utter freedom in this regard is hard for us adult kids of bpd parents to wrap

our minds around; we were given so little freedom of choice or other freedoms,

growing up.

But you do have the freedom to choose your own healing path, and I don't think

anyone here will judge you over the forgiveness question (even if we each have

different ideas about the definition of forgiveness.)

-Annie

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> So, I've recently startind reading " surviving the borderline mother " It's a