Guest guest Posted March 6, 2012 Report Share Posted March 6, 2012 so, as I mentioned a few days ago I made the decision that I needed to switch from my nada calling me weekly to 1 e-mail week because I am in physical therapy and talking to her is reversing my progress and triggering PTSD symptoms. so far since declaring a very firm boundary, Nada has called twice one which my DH answered, and one which I let the answering machine get. the problem is is that I am trying to be nice about it. but Nada has DEMANDED to know WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! in both instances. originally I told her it was because of scheduling difficulties (which is true, but vague) when she called Sat. DH told her that I am going to PT and am supposed to avoid stress, and that it is just better right now. Sun. she called again. I did not really hear her, and deleted the message. it sounded desperate so I thought I did not need any more guilt. I also received an e-mail proclaiming ignorance to knowledge of any wrongdoing on her part apart from me being irritated by some horrible things she said two weeks ago. (how short your memory is NADA) she also said she hoped I could " forgive me before I die " and other FOG. and that we used to have such nice phone conversations surely I want that back.... and reiterating in capitals that she needed to know WHY she could not have phone conversations with me!!!! I also received and e-mail from my dad telling me that it is hurtful for me to shut them out of my life in such a way.(which really surprised me) my dh the voice of reason reminded me that the last time I had any kind of conversation with him was about 3 years ago. I can't remember ever talking to him on the phone. today I got a blank email from him with the subject line " address check " seriously. I did not realize they respected me so little. the problem is now I feel like I should say something to explain things. I just can't decide what to do. the only reason I should is that I really do want to have a relationship with them. part of me wonders if I tell them things she does that I hate will she try to stop and be more kind? can she? does she deserve a chance? and is it possible that things really could be better if they only knew? I want to be strong and not give her what she wants, but am I mean? and my poor dad. ok I don't feel quite as bad about that he has never done enough for me to feel much about that. the truth is not kind. how sad. LEAVE ME ALONE!!!! Meikjn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 6, 2012 Report Share Posted March 6, 2012 How about: " This isn't about you, mom and dad, its about me. I need to work on my physical therapy exercises for my pain issues. Part of reducing my physical pain is learning to focus on reducing stress. Its stressful for me to be answering the phone and answering e-mails often, so I will send you a weekly update by e-mail. That is the best I can do for now. I know this isn't going to be easy for you, but thank you for understanding and putting my needs first. I appreciate your willingness to help me out this way. " Then ask your husband (who sounds like a really great guy) to repeat that like a broken record each time nada or fada tries some new tactic. Don't Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain any further. (Your parents seem to me to be like very small, very spoiled children who have always demanded ice cream before dinner, and for the first time you're telling them " No. " So, they are having a tantrum.) When you do answer their e-mails, praise them for giving you this opportunity to focus on reducing your physical pain. Give them strokes for respecting your boundary. Just a suggestion to consider; which may or may not resonate with you in your particular relationship dynamic. -Annie > > so, as I mentioned a few days ago I made the decision that I needed to switch from my nada calling me weekly to 1 e-mail week because I am in physical therapy and talking to her is reversing my progress and triggering PTSD symptoms. > > so far since declaring a very firm boundary, Nada has called twice one which my DH answered, and one which I let the answering machine get. > > the problem is is that I am trying to be nice about it. but Nada has DEMANDED to know WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! in both instances. > > originally I told her it was because of scheduling difficulties (which is true, but vague) > > when she called Sat. DH told her that I am going to PT and am supposed to avoid stress, and that it is just better right now. > > Sun. she called again. I did not really hear her, and deleted the message. it sounded desperate so I thought I did not need any more guilt. > > I also received an e-mail proclaiming ignorance to knowledge of any wrongdoing on her part apart from me being irritated by some horrible things she said two weeks ago. (how short your memory is NADA) she also said she hoped I could " forgive me before I die " and other FOG. and that we used to have such nice phone conversations surely I want that back.... > > and reiterating in capitals that she needed to know WHY she could not have phone conversations with me!!!! > > I also received and e-mail from my dad telling me that it is hurtful for me to shut them out of my life in such a way.(which really surprised me) my dh the voice of reason reminded me that the last time I had any kind of conversation with him was about 3 years ago. I can't remember ever talking to him on the phone. > > today I got a blank email from him with the subject line " address check " > > seriously. I did not realize they respected me so little. > > the problem is now I feel like I should say something to explain things. > > I just can't decide what to do. > > the only reason I should is that I really do want to have a relationship with them. part of me wonders if I tell them things she does that I hate will she try to stop and be more kind? can she? does she deserve a chance? and is it possible that things really could be better if they only knew? > > I want to be strong and not give her what she wants, but am I mean? and my poor dad. ok I don't feel quite as bad about that he has never done enough for me to feel much about that. > > the truth is not kind. how sad. > > LEAVE ME ALONE!!!! > > Meikjn > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 6, 2012 Report Share Posted March 6, 2012 This is that extinction burst thing that happens. When you set the boundary, they fight as hard as they can. At one point, it will seem like it's worst. Then they will realize you have their game and leave you alone. I suggest not answering. Keep enforcing your boundaries. Call them when you feel like it. If they try to guilt trip you when you do call, politely excuse yourself from the phone. You can say " I won't have a blame game conversation with you. This is what I need right now. I'm sorry you can't respect that and care about me enough to give me the space I need to heal. " Then hang up. Delete their message and emails and texts without reading them. Only contact them when YOU feel like doing so. They won't like it, and they will fight it very hard, but eventually they will learn that their bad behavior gets them no contact, and if they want to have a relationship with you, they have to behave themselves. Good luck! Amanad > > so, as I mentioned a few days ago I made the decision that I needed to switch from my nada calling me weekly to 1 e-mail week because I am in physical therapy and talking to her is reversing my progress and triggering PTSD symptoms. > > so far since declaring a very firm boundary, Nada has called twice one which my DH answered, and one which I let the answering machine get. > > the problem is is that I am trying to be nice about it. but Nada has DEMANDED to know WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! in both instances. > > originally I told her it was because of scheduling difficulties (which is true, but vague) > > when she called Sat. DH told her that I am going to PT and am supposed to avoid stress, and that it is just better right now. > > Sun. she called again. I did not really hear her, and deleted the message. it sounded desperate so I thought I did not need any more guilt. > > I also received an e-mail proclaiming ignorance to knowledge of any wrongdoing on her part apart from me being irritated by some horrible things she said two weeks ago. (how short your memory is NADA) she also said she hoped I could " forgive me before I die " and other FOG. and that we used to have such nice phone conversations surely I want that back.... > > and reiterating in capitals that she needed to know WHY she could not have phone conversations with me!!!! > > I also received and e-mail from my dad telling me that it is hurtful for me to shut them out of my life in such a way.(which really surprised me) my dh the voice of reason reminded me that the last time I had any kind of conversation with him was about 3 years ago. I can't remember ever talking to him on the phone. > > today I got a blank email from him with the subject line " address check " > > seriously. I did not realize they respected me so little. > > the problem is now I feel like I should say something to explain things. > > I just can't decide what to do. > > the only reason I should is that I really do want to have a relationship with them. part of me wonders if I tell them things she does that I hate will she try to stop and be more kind? can she? does she deserve a chance? and is it possible that things really could be better if they only knew? > > I want to be strong and not give her what she wants, but am I mean? and my poor dad. ok I don't feel quite as bad about that he has never done enough for me to feel much about that. > > the truth is not kind. how sad. > > LEAVE ME ALONE!!!! > > Meikjn > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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