Guest guest Posted March 7, 2012 Report Share Posted March 7, 2012 Does anyone here ever get exhausted from just having to do the normal things that people do and having so many strange associations with those things because of having a nada? That is how I am feeling right now. I know it is a bit pathetic, but I wish I could just be a normal person with normal associations with what could be happy things. HC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 7, 2012 Report Share Posted March 7, 2012 You are describing my exact feelings before I got the courage to go NC. At six months NC, I am feeling more energetic and finding more joy in life but I still deal with the emotional baggage the majority of the time. I have found researching nadas illness sheds some light on my own being and I am trying meditation techniques to overcome the negative thought reels that constantly play in my head. I will not stop searching for a better way of life! > > Does anyone here ever get exhausted from just having to do the normal things that people do and having so many strange associations with those things because of having a nada? > > That is how I am feeling right now. I know it is a bit pathetic, but I wish I could just be a normal person with normal associations with what could be happy things. > > HC > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 7, 2012 Report Share Posted March 7, 2012 I get tired of having to modify every word that comes out of my mouth and every action I take to deal with her. It is exhausting. There is the way I behave and talk to normal, non PD people in my life and there is the thought process of how do I balance my needs against spinning everything to deal with nada. I know that the " spin " will make my life easier, because it will keep nada from...getting offended, flying into a rage or you name it. There are times that I feel like being a KO qualifies me to run a political campaign. NOt that I would EVER want to! Is that part of what you are talking about, HC? As far as not enjoying " normal " things part of your queriy, I'm not sure about that. I feel like I enjoy many things and I don't let any past associations with nada prevent me from enjoying anything really. I just know better than to share any joy I get out of something that she would disapprove of with her, but that doesn't stop me from doing anything and everything that I want. I was fortunate that I had one parent (dad) that encouraged me to have my own thoughts and opinions. I think that allowed me to not get mired down in guilt that many KO's struggle with. C > > Does anyone here ever get exhausted from just having to do the normal things that people do and having so many strange associations with those things because of having a nada? > > That is how I am feeling right now. I know it is a bit pathetic, but I wish I could just be a normal person with normal associations with what could be happy things. > > HC > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 7, 2012 Report Share Posted March 7, 2012 (((((Heartful))))) Yes, I have experienced that too sometimes. For me, it comes and goes, but mostly its fading now, and I am more able to just be in the moment and enjoy the small, sweet things in life for what they are, with no ugly, painful associations. I think its a legacy of having complex-ptsd, the legacy of having been unhealthily super-enmeshed with my nada in a Stockhold Syndrome like way for the first 30 some-odd years of my life. What I try to do is deliberately " re-record " good memories on top of the ugly old memories. I wanted to and did take an overseas trip with just my Sister, which has now given me good associations with overseas travel, unlike the miserable, depressing trips I took my nada on with me. I enjoy going shopping with my friends just to window shop or to buy something, which gives me good memories to replace the dread of going shopping with my nada. I read an article at " Psychology Today " recently about a theory that replacing bad memories and associations with good ones helps those with PTSD. The article gave the example of taking combat veterans suffering from " shell shock " or ptsd on white-water rafting excursions. White-water rafting on some rivers can be very exciting, thrilling, and really gets your adrenaline pumping. Its a semi-hazardous activity but relatively safe and supervised, so the combat veterans get to experience that pumped-up adrenaline feeling of being on high alert and physically " fighting " the river, similar to the way they felt in combat but they get to work their way through the trigger-y adrenaline/fear feelings knowing that the conclusion of the ride is safe: nobody dies. -Annie > > Does anyone here ever get exhausted from just having to do the normal things that people do and having so many strange associations with those things because of having a nada? > > That is how I am feeling right now. I know it is a bit pathetic, but I wish I could just be a normal person with normal associations with what could be happy things. > > HC > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 7, 2012 Report Share Posted March 7, 2012 I remember how tense I would be around my nada; I could never really feel relaxed around her precisely because I had to carefully, Oh, so carefully modulate my voice and choose my words to avoid setting her off. It IS exhausting. Its like living in a mine-field. And even though I spent a lifetime trying to twist myself into pretzels to please her, she'd go off on me anyway, over some damned thing or other. No wonder I have c-ptsd symptoms lingering still. Being in a no-win situation IS extremely stressful, and exhausting, and for me that was exactly the definition of my relationship with my nada. The good times, the scraps of love and affection, ultimately were not worth the price I had to pay to get them. At least, that was my experience, me personally. -Annie > > I get tired of having to modify every word that comes out of my mouth and every action I take to deal with her. It is exhausting. There is the way I behave and talk to normal, non PD people in my life and there is the thought process of how do I balance my needs against spinning everything to deal with nada. I know that the " spin " will make my life easier, because it will keep nada from...getting offended, flying into a rage or you name it. There are times that I feel like being a KO qualifies me to run a political campaign. NOt that I would EVER want to! > > Is that part of what you are talking about, HC? As far as not enjoying " normal " things part of your queriy, I'm not sure about that. I feel like I enjoy many things and I don't let any past associations with nada prevent me from enjoying anything really. I just know better than to share any joy I get out of something that she would disapprove of with her, but that doesn't stop me from doing anything and everything that I want. I was fortunate that I had one parent (dad) that encouraged me to have my own thoughts and opinions. I think that allowed me to not get mired down in guilt that many KO's struggle with. > > C Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 7, 2012 Report Share Posted March 7, 2012 HC, I completely understand what you are talking about. I used to think I was a social person but now that I am the new target for my nada (she cycles among her four adult children), I find myself feeling like an alien, even among close friends and my fiance. A lot of times its hard to just have a conversation or to laugh without feeling like I'm " faking it " in some way because of all the pain and mixed emotions that are going on within me. I also feel exhausted all the time, even when I haven't done any thing because I am constantly in my head or feeling hypervigilent to one thing or another. I go back and forth between faking normal and being honest and when I'm honest I feel like I am burdening people and complaining all the time so it is very much a no-win. Seems like others have some good insight and some advice that I will certainly take so for now, I'll leave this as a " your are not alone " post and wish you well! I'm with you! > > > > Does anyone here ever get exhausted from just having to do the normal things that people do and having so many strange associations with those things because of having a nada? > > > > That is how I am feeling right now. I know it is a bit pathetic, but I wish I could just be a normal person with normal associations with what could be happy things. > > > > HC > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 7, 2012 Report Share Posted March 7, 2012 Hi, Thank you for your response. One example of what I am talking about is yesterday I took my 12 year old daughter clothes shopping. The entire time, I had to fight back sadness about how my nada, never took me clothes shopping. In fact she never bought me clothes. I was looking around at all these mothers and daughters enjoying themselves and I was struggling to stay oriented to the present and working hard to have it be a nice experience for my daughter. That is just one tiny example. I just have so many awful associations with so many ordinary things that other people get to enjoy. When my kids were younger, I had to " work " at playing with them. No one ever played with me, so it was really hard for me to do with them. I wish I could wipe the slate of my brain clean from all these upsetting things. It makes me so sad. I am crying as I write. > > > > Does anyone here ever get exhausted from just having to do the normal things that people do and having so many strange associations with those things because of having a nada? > > > > That is how I am feeling right now. I know it is a bit pathetic, but I wish I could just be a normal person with normal associations with what could be happy things. > > > > HC > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 7, 2012 Report Share Posted March 7, 2012 Thank you everyone for your posts. They are helping. > > Does anyone here ever get exhausted from just having to do the normal things that people do and having so many strange associations with those things because of having a nada? > > That is how I am feeling right now. I know it is a bit pathetic, but I wish I could just be a normal person with normal associations with what could be happy things. > > HC > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 7, 2012 Report Share Posted March 7, 2012 Right now I'm going through a similar problem with my kids. My Nada found her drug of choice to be work. She became a " workaholic " when I was very young because it gave her a sense of identity and accomplishment. She always complained about how hard she was working, and the sacrifices she was making for us, but just a day off would drive her nuts. Because of that I was always left by myself to play. I found however that because of that I have become a very creative person due to having to create my own world of play when I was a child. I know how to generate that creativity in my head, but I have a hard time playing with my own two kids because I don't know what to do with them. I do believe that they need to learn to play by themselves and with each other because it is an important part of their development, but I would like to be more a part of that world for them. I find that if I get bored it doesn't mean that they are. I find that just being there with them while they play is often enough. If they are playing with their toys on the floor I can sit with them just asking them questions while they play, and means a lot to them. Without having to be an actual part of the play. > > > > > > Does anyone here ever get exhausted from just having to do the normal things that people do and having so many strange associations with those things because of having a nada? > > > > > > That is how I am feeling right now. I know it is a bit pathetic, but I wish I could just be a normal person with normal associations with what could be happy things. > > > > > > HC > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 7, 2012 Report Share Posted March 7, 2012 ....And I completely relate to your description. It is good to know I am not alone, not that I would wish this on anyone.... HC > > > > > > Does anyone here ever get exhausted from just having to do the normal things that people do and having so many strange associations with those things because of having a nada? > > > > > > That is how I am feeling right now. I know it is a bit pathetic, but I wish I could just be a normal person with normal associations with what could be happy things. > > > > > > HC > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 7, 2012 Report Share Posted March 7, 2012 Tucket, I remember that feelling you are describing, and I felt like the minute anyone expressed any interest in my life and problems that I had to hold myself back from talking, because I would almost explode. That was when I first decided it was time to do therapy. I'm not sure if you are in therapy, but if you feel like I did, that if you started discussing your actual feelings and thoughts that it would be the emotional/verbal equivalent of projectile vomiting (sorry for the gross analogy) then it might be time to start going to therapy. Okay, this could be a whole new thread, kinda like Jeff Foxworthy's " you might be a redneck if " , We could call it, " You might be a KO if, or You might need therapy if " Pardon my KO humor. LOL C > > > > > > Does anyone here ever get exhausted from just having to do the normal things that people do and having so many strange associations with those things because of having a nada? > > > > > > That is how I am feeling right now. I know it is a bit pathetic, but I wish I could just be a normal person with normal associations with what could be happy things. > > > > > > HC > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 7, 2012 Report Share Posted March 7, 2012 How about: You might be a KO if you find you have a running monologue in your head about how to be/appear normal...... Does that fit for anyone? Or do normal people do that too? > > > > > > > > Does anyone here ever get exhausted from just having to do the normal things that people do and having so many strange associations with those things because of having a nada? > > > > > > > > That is how I am feeling right now. I know it is a bit pathetic, but I wish I could just be a normal person with normal associations with what could be happy things. > > > > > > > > HC > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 7, 2012 Report Share Posted March 7, 2012 I just posted this in a different thread: http://www.eastbaytherapist.org/news/article.html?eselect=detail & artid=105. It is about managing complex ptsd symptoms. Because of it, I just realized that when I do things like go shopping with my daughter, I am actually having flashbacks to certain feeling states. Ugh. > > Does anyone here ever get exhausted from just having to do the normal things that people do and having so many strange associations with those things because of having a nada? > > That is how I am feeling right now. I know it is a bit pathetic, but I wish I could just be a normal person with normal associations with what could be happy things. > > HC > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 7, 2012 Report Share Posted March 7, 2012 I so relate to this entire thread. Even with people I'm close to, I get easily overwhelmed talking to people. My brain is on constant red alert for signs that someone is having some kind of reaction to something I'm saying or even to the look on my face, and of course it will be my responsibility to deal with their reaction. I can't relax. I feel spaced out a lot of the time and I have a hard time following conversations. It's like my brain has way too many other things to do besides listen to someone, like brace for someone suddenly starting to rage. Even when I know that isn't going to happen. > > > > > > > > > > Does anyone here ever get exhausted from just having to do the normal things that people do and having so many strange associations with those things because of having a nada? > > > > > > > > > > That is how I am feeling right now. I know it is a bit pathetic, but I wish I could just be a normal person with normal associations with what could be happy things. > > > > > > > > > > HC > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 7, 2012 Report Share Posted March 7, 2012 Yep. You and I (and others here I'm willing to bet) experienced a childhood that was like living in a war zone. We were under constant stress, worry and anxiety because even ordinary, normally fun activities (Shopping, making dinner, driving to visit someone) could suddenly " explode " in very unpleasant, embarrassing, frightening or even dangerous ways when we did them together with our nadas. We are the walking wounded, still in " shell shock " from an unpredictably explosive bpd parent. -Annie > > > > Does anyone here ever get exhausted from just having to do the normal things that people do and having so many strange associations with those things because of having a nada? > > > > That is how I am feeling right now. I know it is a bit pathetic, but I wish I could just be a normal person with normal associations with what could be happy things. > > > > HC > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 7, 2012 Report Share Posted March 7, 2012 I'm thinking this could possibly be " hyper vigilance " , and its a kind of survival mechanism that we learned to do as children; its being a human radar system on constant high alert to detect the first faint signs that all hell is about to break loose again and descend upon our heads (or, that we are about to be abandoned again, left alone to fend for ourselves for an unconscionable period of time, or about to be betrayed and exploited again, etc.) I'm guessing that its related to or part of complex post traumatic stress disorder. Although I'm not a psychologist, I read a lot about this stuff because I think I have some symptoms of c-ptsd, still. No longer severe, but, still there and trigger-able. -Annie > > > > > > > > > > > > Does anyone here ever get exhausted from just having to do the normal things that people do and having so many strange associations with those things because of having a nada? > > > > > > > > > > > > That is how I am feeling right now. I know it is a bit pathetic, but I wish I could just be a normal person with normal associations with what could be happy things. > > > > > > > > > > > > HC > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 7, 2012 Report Share Posted March 7, 2012 Does anyone have any suggestions for therapists in the San Francisco/Bay Area  who specialize in adult children of BPD parents? Sometimes I feel like such a neurotic person -- I have horrible coping skills and struggle with alcohol abuse and other addictions.  Also I can't remember a lot of my childhood and was wondering if other people experienced that too? Thanks ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Wednesday, March 7, 2012 3:41 PM Subject: Re: sick and tired  I just posted this in a different thread: http://www.eastbaytherapist.org/news/article.html?eselect=detail & artid=105. It is about managing complex ptsd symptoms. Because of it, I just realized that when I do things like go shopping with my daughter, I am actually having flashbacks to certain feeling states. Ugh. > > Does anyone here ever get exhausted from just having to do the normal things that people do and having so many strange associations with those things because of having a nada? > > That is how I am feeling right now. I know it is a bit pathetic, but I wish I could just be a normal person with normal associations with what could be happy things. > > HC > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 8, 2012 Report Share Posted March 8, 2012 " I just have so many awful associations with so many ordinary things that other people get to enjoy. " I feel the same. At every step along the way, I am bombarded with triggers that make me feel, smell, relive an emotional memory. I wish it would just stop. Truly PTSD. I've been looking into natural methods to help myself...has anyone used the " Tapping " method called EFT? And has it worked for anyone? Always searching for the way out! Amy barrycove@... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 8, 2012 Report Share Posted March 8, 2012 Not sure if this is what you mean, but when I was full contact with nada -- 6 to 8 calls a day, open to her intrusiveness, having to hear her opinion on everything I did, as well as having to endure 45 minutes of her verbal diarrhea of all the hell she'd been through that particular day, etc. -- I found it hard to enjoy my life. If I was out with my husband and friends, I worried that she might be calling me and worrying. If I made a new friendship, I worried about what she would think of them. If I was having fun with my family, I felt guilty that my parents and brother weren't having fun and what a bad daughter/sister I was. I took wrongful ownership of their issues. And you're right, it was very exhausting. I don't think it's pathetic at all. It's part of being a KO, the craziness of it all. Therapy helped me a great deal, to put all the crazy in perspective; reading up on it, too. And being here as well. Fiona > > Does anyone here ever get exhausted from just having to do the normal things that people do and having so many strange associations with those things because of having a nada? > > That is how I am feeling right now. I know it is a bit pathetic, but I wish I could just be a normal person with normal associations with what could be happy things. > > HC > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 8, 2012 Report Share Posted March 8, 2012 Hugs, Heartful. I'm so sorry for the hurt and pain you're feeling. I pray it's the beginning of healing for you. Because you are, as your handle says, a person of courage. You're not repeating your past; you're creating a new legacy for your daughter to continue with her children. With my nada, there was very little joy. No hobbies, no close friends, just work home dinner laundry work home dinner laundry. No PTA, no getting to know my friends' moms. In fact, it almost seemed like she didn't like people to have fun. So fun/leisure/hobbies/socializing, for me, has been work. Something that is easy and normal for others is something that I have to intentionally work at. And I do. I force myself to, and then it feels more natural. I " fake it till I make it. " ha ha Seeing a therapist may be able to help you sort through all these hurtful feelings and memories and replace them with new affirmations and experiences. Big hugs, dear. Fiona > > > > > > Does anyone here ever get exhausted from just having to do the normal things that people do and having so many strange associations with those things because of having a nada? > > > > > > That is how I am feeling right now. I know it is a bit pathetic, but I wish I could just be a normal person with normal associations with what could be happy things. > > > > > > HC > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 8, 2012 Report Share Posted March 8, 2012 Hi Tara, If you don't get any leads here RE therapists in your area, I suggest asking your own general practitioner, your regular doctor, for some names of psychologists in your area. Also, I found that at the " Psychology Today " site they have a section that lists psychologists by city, cross-referenced by the types of issues you want to address. http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_search.php Re lack of childhood memories: my Sister had a lot of childhood amnesia, but she's getting more of her childhood memories back now, in late middle age, after a couple of years of therapy. That was her coping mechanism that helped her survive her hopeless position as the (mostly) all-bad child, the family scapegoat in the emotional war zone/mine field we lived in. My coping mechanism was to stop feeling anything; my memories are pretty intact, but I became rather alienated or cut off from my own self, my own feelings. Unconscious coping strategies like that (amnesia, emotional numbness, etc.) help us survive our childhoods, but become counter-productive once we become adults. Its pretty common for childhood abuse survivors to reach adulthood with c-ptsd, depression and addictions. You are not alone! So, that's cool that you want to address this stuff now and have a chance at a more joyful adult life. That shows a lot of courage on your part and a core of inner strength and hope that was not beaten down by your parents. -Annie > > Does anyone have any suggestions for therapists in the San Francisco/Bay Area  who specialize in adult children of BPD parents? Sometimes I feel like such a neurotic person -- I have horrible coping skills and struggle with alcohol abuse and other addictions.  Also I can't remember a lot of my childhood and was wondering if other people experienced that too? > > Thanks Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 8, 2012 Report Share Posted March 8, 2012 Yes. EFT helps, it works, as does what's called FasterEFT and the Tapas (TAT) method for PTSD.   Here's a demonstration of the Tapas method.  Note you can also add the pinky finger gently pressing on the area below the eye to relieve fear (area below the eye is good for fear and phobia) when doing the depicted TAT for PTSD. adding the pinky below the eye in this way apparently is also known as HPT or HFT. (heart point or heart felt technique?)  Recommended reading: The Tapping Cure by a Temes. Also there are lots of youtube videos leading one through an  EFT session on numerous topics posted  by Brad Yates.  To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Thursday, March 8, 2012 4:36 AM Subject: Re: sick and tired  " I just have so many awful associations with so many ordinary things that other people get to enjoy. " I feel the same. At every step along the way, I am bombarded with triggers that make me feel, smell, relive an emotional memory. I wish it would just stop. Truly PTSD. I've been looking into natural methods to help myself...has anyone used the " Tapping " method called EFT? And has it worked for anyone? Always searching for the way out! Amy barrycove@... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 8, 2012 Report Share Posted March 8, 2012 Thanks Fiona. I really appreciate this. Hugs right back, HC > > > > > > > > Does anyone here ever get exhausted from just having to do the normal things that people do and having so many strange associations with those things because of having a nada? > > > > > > > > That is how I am feeling right now. I know it is a bit pathetic, but I wish I could just be a normal person with normal associations with what could be happy things. > > > > > > > > HC > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 8, 2012 Report Share Posted March 8, 2012 Hi Amy, I've tried the tapping thing and it didn't work for me, but I know it has for others. Partly it was tough for me because I am a little uncoordinated and it reminded me of trying to figure out a game of patty cake and always getting it wrong or something along those lines. Believe it or not, what is working for me right now is the most straight forward simple minded thing. And I've only been doing this for the last couple of days. When I find myself getting thrown into a flashback negative emotional state, I just try to catch it early and consciously give myself a positive association to replace the negative one. So for example rather than " I don't know how to play with my children because no one ever played with me " , I would substitute " My children's faces will light up if I play with them and that will give me pleasure. " Or, instead of " Shit I have to do laundry and my mother never did the laundry because all she could manage was to watch soap operas and drink alcohol. " , I substitute " It sure will feel good to get to the bottom of this pile and everyone will be able to wear what they really want to. " I know it is pretty simplistic, concrete and literal, but it actually seems to be helping. It seems to grow on itself in my mind. Once I sort of force a positive association on myself and do the thing I would be naturally inclined to shrink from, I find ways to attribute other positive things from having done it in the first place. I'll keep writing as I discover more, since this seems to be one that affects a lot of us. HC > > " I just have so many awful associations with so many ordinary things that other people get to enjoy. " > > > > > I feel the same. At every step along the way, I am bombarded with triggers that make me feel, smell, relive an emotional memory. I wish it would just stop. Truly PTSD. > > > I've been looking into natural methods to help myself...has anyone used the " Tapping " method called EFT? And has it worked for anyone? > > > Always searching for the way out! > Amy > > > barrycove@... > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 8, 2012 Report Share Posted March 8, 2012 Hi Tara, I don't know how close to the SF/Bay area this Pete person is (http://www.pete-walker.com/index.htm), but by the looks of his website, he would seem to be right on topic. I have been reading a lot of his writing and I am very impressed. He seems to really understand this stuff and it's relationship to substance abuse and he seems like a down to earth smart guy. Check out his website. I don't know California well. If it is too far away for you, perhaps he could refer you to someone closer to you. Good luck, HC > > > > Does anyone here ever get exhausted from just having to do the normal things that people do and having so many strange associations with those things because of having a nada? > > > > That is how I am feeling right now. I know it is a bit pathetic, but I wish I could just be a normal person with normal associations with what could be happy things. > > > > HC > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.