Guest guest Posted March 8, 2012 Report Share Posted March 8, 2012 Hi Fiona, I did used to have this problem pretty much exactly as you describe, but I am NC with my NADA now and have been for many years. At this point it is down to associations that I have related to being a parent to my children and tough stuff that I had to endure as a child myself. Each age/stage they get to brings new memories and challenges for me. It is wonderful to have this forum to talk about it and to have caring people like yourself trying to understand. It is reparative in it's own right for me just that people here really care and want to help. HC > > > > Does anyone here ever get exhausted from just having to do the normal things that people do and having so many strange associations with those things because of having a nada? > > > > That is how I am feeling right now. I know it is a bit pathetic, but I wish I could just be a normal person with normal associations with what could be happy things. > > > > HC > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 8, 2012 Report Share Posted March 8, 2012 Hi there, someone recently posted a link to this therapists articles and he is in the bay area: http://www.eastbaytherapist.org/news/article.html?eselect=detail & artid=185 Big hug, SR Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 8, 2012 Report Share Posted March 8, 2012 Thank you!  I definitely will! ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Thursday, March 8, 2012 6:21 AM Subject: Re: sick and tired  Hi Tara, If you don't get any leads here RE therapists in your area, I suggest asking your own general practitioner, your regular doctor, for some names of psychologists in your area. Also, I found that at the " Psychology Today " site they have a section that lists psychologists by city, cross-referenced by the types of issues you want to address. http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_search.php Re lack of childhood memories: my Sister had a lot of childhood amnesia, but she's getting more of her childhood memories back now, in late middle age, after a couple of years of therapy. That was her coping mechanism that helped her survive her hopeless position as the (mostly) all-bad child, the family scapegoat in the emotional war zone/mine field we lived in. My coping mechanism was to stop feeling anything; my memories are pretty intact, but I became rather alienated or cut off from my own self, my own feelings. Unconscious coping strategies like that (amnesia, emotional numbness, etc.) help us survive our childhoods, but become counter-productive once we become adults. Its pretty common for childhood abuse survivors to reach adulthood with c-ptsd, depression and addictions. You are not alone! So, that's cool that you want to address this stuff now and have a chance at a more joyful adult life. That shows a lot of courage on your part and a core of inner strength and hope that was not beaten down by your parents. -Annie > > Does anyone have any suggestions for therapists in the San Francisco/Bay Area  who specialize in adult children of BPD parents? Sometimes I feel like such a neurotic person -- I have horrible coping skills and struggle with alcohol abuse and other addictions.  Also I can't remember a lot of my childhood and was wondering if other people experienced that too? > > Thanks Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 9, 2012 Report Share Posted March 9, 2012 (((((HC))))) I can imagine how hard it would be - I don't have kids but if I did many memories would surface. Have you ever read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle? He's all about " now " and being fully conscious in the present is the answer to everything. I think that there's SO MUCH trauma, layers and layers of it for years that maybe the present is the only place we can be free? That's the strategy I'm hoping to get to work anyway. I hope you feel better soon - you are doing a great thing in owning your own stuff and not putting it on your kids as so many do. Eliza > > > > > > Does anyone here ever get exhausted from just having to do the normal things that people do and having so many strange associations with those things because of having a nada? > > > > > > That is how I am feeling right now. I know it is a bit pathetic, but I wish I could just be a normal person with normal associations with what could be happy things. > > > > > > HC > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 9, 2012 Report Share Posted March 9, 2012 Oh yeah, I never knew what would make her angry. When I was a young child she was more overt with her anger too. And it always seemed that after I'd had a particularly good day at school she was most likely to find something to be furious about. So now feeling " too happy " produce a feeling of anticipatory dread. C-ptsd feels like a good fit. Eliza > > > > > > Does anyone here ever get exhausted from just having to do the normal things that people do and having so many strange associations with those things because of having a nada? > > > > > > That is how I am feeling right now. I know it is a bit pathetic, but I wish I could just be a normal person with normal associations with what could be happy things. > > > > > > HC > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 9, 2012 Report Share Posted March 9, 2012 Hi everyone, I have sort of a new topic to bring up that is related to this discussion. For those of you who have talked about either being hypervigilent or emotionally disconnected as an adult due to your early childhood experiences, do you ever find that these patterns get in the way of your intimate relationships? I am having this problem right now. I have been in therapy working on issues related to my Nada and BPD sister for 5 years and it is only in the last several months that I have allowed myself to connect enough to my emotions to actually begin to process what happened to me and what is continuing to happen. As a result, though, I am finding myself more in my head, more hypervigilent, or more emotionally cut off during down times which is always when I am home at night with my partner. He is in the mental health field and understands to an extent when I am going through but at the same time he is getting really frustrated that sometimes I can't stand to be touched or don't want to be intimate, or don't even want to talk. We are planning our wedding right now, moving to a new place, etc and he is very excited. I cognitively know I am excited by emotionally, I dont feel much except a big heap of confused emotions. He has handled everything pretty well but every once an awhile if I am irritable or distant with him at the wrong time he gets really angry. I'm afraid I'm developing a whole new pattern where neither of us know how the other is going to be from moment to moment. I NEVER wanted this in my life and yet here it is...a " flea " from nada...eh. > > Hi there, > > someone recently posted a link to this therapists articles and he is in the bay area: http://www.eastbaytherapist.org/news/article.html?eselect=detail & artid=185 > > Big hug, > > SR > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 9, 2012 Report Share Posted March 9, 2012 Hi, It is really good that you have identified this for yourself. And, yes, I do know what you are talking about from my own life experience too. In my marriage (I am now divorced), I became so hypervigilent around my ex-husband that I literally could not fall asleep with him without drugging myself. This is because he was increasingly reminding me of my nada by being critical and unpredictably angry and my guard went up so intensely that I could not relax around him enough to fall asleep. Eventually, I kicked him out of the bed because I really needed to sleep to function as a parent of little ones and eventually this contributed to the dissolution of our marriage. This is an over simplification of course. I tried and tried and tried to save our marriage before it got to that point, but he did not (and I really mean he did not) want to understand the ways that he was contributing to the problem I had with sleep or why I was so hypersensitive to chronic criticism and his unpredictable contemptuous anger. We did couples therapy for years with little meaningful change in real understanding or intimacy. I eventually gave up and disconnected emotionally, but stayed in the marriage not wanting my kids to have divorced parents. We had separate bedrooms. He eventually wanted out of the marriage. It was a blessing. If you have a partner who can and wants to understand these things about you, that will make a huge difference. Couples counselling can be really helpful, but it would be really important to have a counsellor who understands attachment issues. If you could find someone familiar with Sue 's approach, " emotionally focused therapy for couples " that would be a good start. What it all boils down to is having the kind of relationship where you can both allow yourselves to feel and be felt in a vulnerable way. It is easy enough to say, but much harder to do/live in an ongoing way, but if you can find that with your partner, you can have a wonderful life together and it can even be reparative of your early life experiences. > > > > Hi there, > > > > someone recently posted a link to this therapists articles and he is in the bay area: http://www.eastbaytherapist.org/news/article.html?eselect=detail & artid=185 > > > > Big hug, > > > > SR > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 9, 2012 Report Share Posted March 9, 2012 My husband tried it for his depression. It didn't really work unless you think giggling at the process is improvement. It's more of a distraction like strange breathing patterns in childbirth. And it's not very practical in public. People may wonder why you're tapping your face. I prefer things that are more healing, more permanent than simple distractions. > > > I've been looking into natural methods to help myself...has anyone used the " Tapping " method called EFT? And has it worked for anyone? > > > Always searching for the way out! > Amy > > > barrycove@... > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 9, 2012 Report Share Posted March 9, 2012 I sure like your approach. It's a method of retraining our thought processes like cognitive reasoning. It's so easy to get sucked into the negative and takes some work to go positive. But in time, positive gets easier. Especially as we're making new memories (joy of time with our kids, fresh smelling laundry, etc.) It's so direct and logical. Have a bad thought? Replace it with a good thought. Bed time is tough because it's dark, I'm doing nothing and my mind can run away with me. That's when I get up and do something I love like read, stitch, puzzles. It focuses my thoughts on happy things. TV doesn't work for me because it's passive and just makes me zone out. > > > > " I just have so many awful associations with so many ordinary things that other people get to enjoy. " > > > > > > > > > > I feel the same. At every step along the way, I am bombarded with triggers that make me feel, smell, relive an emotional memory. I wish it would just stop. Truly PTSD. > > > > > > I've been looking into natural methods to help myself...has anyone used the " Tapping " method called EFT? And has it worked for anyone? > > > > > > Always searching for the way out! > > Amy > > > > > > barrycove@ > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 9, 2012 Report Share Posted March 9, 2012 HC, Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I strongly believe that my partner really wants to understand and work with me to get through this and I believe he has the insight and patience to do it. Sometimes I take a look at myself from the outside and I imagine how difficult it would be to see someone you love like this on such a consistent basis (its been a really bad stretch with my nada since October 2011). At the same time, I have decided that I need to be able to do what I need to get through this even if that means putting a strain on our relationship. I know that is not the way to do this, I just didn't have the energy to do it any other way. I have avoided bringing up the couples therapy thing for a while because he and I are both in our own individual work and our both therapists ourselves so adding one more therapeutic experience to the mix seemed crazy making. At the same time, I think you are absolutely right that it will be helpful for us during this stressful time. Thank you for the suggestion for a couple's approach. I am going to look in to this for sure. With graditude, Tucket > > > > > > Hi there, > > > > > > someone recently posted a link to this therapists articles and he is in the bay area: http://www.eastbaytherapist.org/news/article.html?eselect=detail & artid=185 > > > > > > Big hug, > > > > > > SR > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 9, 2012 Report Share Posted March 9, 2012 HC, That is simple and brilliant. Good for you. It made me think of that scene from " Eat, Pray, Love " Where Tells LIz, that she has to choose her thoughts like she chooses her clothes. Love it, C > > > > " I just have so many awful associations with so many ordinary things that other people get to enjoy. " > > > > > > > > > > I feel the same. At every step along the way, I am bombarded with triggers that make me feel, smell, relive an emotional memory. I wish it would just stop. Truly PTSD. > > > > > > I've been looking into natural methods to help myself...has anyone used the " Tapping " method called EFT? And has it worked for anyone? > > > > > > Always searching for the way out! > > Amy > > > > > > barrycove@ > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 9, 2012 Report Share Posted March 9, 2012 my therapist is going to try that for me. I will tell you all how it goes. Meikjn > > " I just have so many awful associations with so many ordinary things that other people get to enjoy. " > > > > > I feel the same. At every step along the way, I am bombarded with triggers that make me feel, smell, relive an emotional memory. I wish it would just stop. Truly PTSD. > > > I've been looking into natural methods to help myself...has anyone used the " Tapping " method called EFT? And has it worked for anyone? > > > Always searching for the way out! > Amy > > > barrycove@... > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 11, 2012 Report Share Posted March 11, 2012 Thanks! I will definitely check out his website. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Thursday, March 8, 2012 1:43 PM Subject: Re: sick and tired  Hi Tara, I don't know how close to the SF/Bay area this Pete person is (http://www.pete-walker.com/index.htm), but by the looks of his website, he would seem to be right on topic. I have been reading a lot of his writing and I am very impressed. He seems to really understand this stuff and it's relationship to substance abuse and he seems like a down to earth smart guy. Check out his website. I don't know California well. If it is too far away for you, perhaps he could refer you to someone closer to you. Good luck, HC > > > > Does anyone here ever get exhausted from just having to do the normal things that people do and having so many strange associations with those things because of having a nada? > > > > That is how I am feeling right now. I know it is a bit pathetic, but I wish I could just be a normal person with normal associations with what could be happy things. > > > > HC > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 11, 2012 Report Share Posted March 11, 2012 Thank you! ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Thursday, March 8, 2012 2:50 PM Subject: Re: sick and tired  Hi there, someone recently posted a link to this therapists articles and he is in the bay area: http://www.eastbaytherapist.org/news/article.html?eselect=detail & artid=185 Big hug, SR Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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