Guest guest Posted July 27, 2011 Report Share Posted July 27, 2011 OK, So let me start by kind of introducing myself. Hi, I'm Angelina or Angie. I'm 18 years old and live in the great state of Minnesota. I recently found out about the severity of my mother's BPD. I have known about it for years, but never knew how bad it really was and how controlling and manipulative she is. I have moved back in to my father's house and am trying to distance myself from her because its whats best for me and my own mental and emotional health.I'm having a hard time coping. Having lived with her almost all of my life, I've picked up some of her tendencies. the self loathing, the feeling of worthlessness, looking to others to know who I am, I'm constantly worrying about what others think of me, and I've been living life in fear. (these are just a few of the things i've picked up from her) I don't know what to do. I want to feel better, be outgoing, funny, goofy,feel emotions, everything I used to be. I know that its all up to me, but how do kick-start this mental change/outlook? How do I break free from these overwhelming thoughts and the way I've been conditioned? Its strange because I never imagined not living with my mom or having her around, but when my aunt had pointed out to me how controlling she was, I realized how my mother had made it seem like I would always need her because she needed me. My mother has done the best she was capable when it came to raising and caring for my sister and I, but I feel as though I didn't have a mother, I had a best friend. I want to be loved, cared for, positive attention, but I don't know how to fill those voids. How do I learn how to let go and live my life for me? I'm so lost. I'm trying the best I can to move on and go to college and learn independence and how to rely on myself, but for some reason I'm not as excited about it as I feel I should be. I'm not excited about anything ever. A lot of the time I feel emotionless, blank, like i've lived the past few years dissociating because that's how I coped. I know I should seek professional help, but i'm currently unemployed and uninsured. Because most of you have gone through it, I was hoping ya'll could give me some advice and encouragement. Thanks for reading! -angie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 30, 2011 Report Share Posted July 30, 2011 Hi Angie, I hope the followings will help you at least a bit, I wrote it to you with my best intention. My advices: Read the book Kimberlee Roth: Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem. Another useful books I think you should read: Toxic Parents by Forward The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Home Coming, Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child by Bradshaw Healing the Shame that Binds You by Bradshaw You can do it on your own, without therapist (reading books and start working). There are tasks in them to better understand your feelings and to overcome them. Some answers to your questions can be: " the feeling of worthlessness " - I assume you got lots of negativ response from your mother and you internalized her opinion. Negativ response can be emotional abuse, physical abuse, verbal abuse, etc. Abuse can be violence or neglect, too. " looking to others to know who I am " - it means you don't know who you are, means maybe your mother oppressed you, forced you to take care of her feelings instead of she had to take care of yours, means you had no time to improve/develop self-knowledge " I'm constantly worrying about what others think of me, and I've been living life in fear " - you fear of their feelings and/or you fear of being humiliated/ashamed by their feelings, means if they will think something bad about you, then you will feel more worthlessness, because your source of feeling of value is not in you but it is sourced from other's feelings, because you was made to take care of other feelings (mother's) instead of yours " I've been living life in fear " - you can not control of other's feeling about you, so if a negativ opinion about you will lead to feel yourself more wortlessness, then you will be living in constant fear of other's negativ opinions. " How do I break free from these overwhelming thoughts and the way I've been conditioned? " - read all the books I adviced, there are tons of practices in them how to do it " I realized how my mother had made it seem like I would always need her because she needed me. " - you were who feeded her with your attention, with caring of her feelings, to fill her blankness. So start doing which feels better to you. Maybe you will feel guilt but thats normal. Don't care your mother's feelings anymore, care yourself! " I want to be loved, cared for, positive attention, but I don't know how to fill those voids " - start working on it on your own, don't wait for somebody else. You are an adult now, that's really bad if you didn't get something vital in your childhood (care, love), but now you are not a child anymore, so you need a new approach. And this approach is that you can be your own parent. It means if you need care and love, which your mother should have given to you, now you can give it to yourself, your inner child. " encouragement " - you should start develop totally new living style on your own, free from anybody. Don't wait anybody to help you. You are an adult, you can take care of yourself emotionally, physically, in every meaning. Break depending on your parents help. Unless you do it you will act as a child with your missing care and love which you should have gotten in childhood. Now it's time to start take care of your own emotions and feelings and needs instead of others. Start it the sooner the better and you can have healthy and happy life. You can get help from ACA. This is a program of women and men who grew up in an alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional homes. There are meeting on every week in Anoka, Bemidji, Bloomington, Brooklyn Park, Burnsville, Cottage Grove, Duluth, Eagan, Edina, Faribault, Fridley, Grand Rapids, Minneapolis, Minnetonka, Mound, Richfield, Roseville, Saint , Worthington. http://www.adultchildren.org/ On a meeting you are allowed to express any emotion or feeling without any negativ response. You can experience being yourself without any judgement. They will listen to you and you can meet with people with same problems. For free. (ACA is being a self-help, self-supporting program it is at no cost, but if you are financially able they will ask for a small contribution at each meeting). B. Help. OK, So let me start by kind of introducing myself. Hi, I'm Angelina or Angie. I'm 18 years old and live in the great state of Minnesota. I recently found out about the severity of my mother's BPD. I have known about it for years, but never knew how bad it really was and how controlling and manipulative she is. I have moved back in to my father's house and am trying to distance myself from her because its whats best for me and my own mental and emotional health.I'm having a hard time coping. Having lived with her almost all of my life, I've picked up some of her tendencies. the self loathing, the feeling of worthlessness, looking to others to know who I am, I'm constantly worrying about what others think of me, and I've been living life in fear. (these are just a few of the things i've picked up from her) I don't know what to do. I want to feel better, be outgoing, funny, goofy,feel emotions, everything I used to be. I know that its all up to me, but how do kick-start this mental change/outlook? How do I break free from these overwhelming thoughts and the way I've been conditioned? Its strange because I never imagined not living with my mom or having her around, but when my aunt had pointed out to me how controlling she was, I realized how my mother had made it seem like I would always need her because she needed me. My mother has done the best she was capable when it came to raising and caring for my sister and I, but I feel as though I didn't have a mother, I had a best friend. I want to be loved, cared for, positive attention, but I don't know how to fill those voids. How do I learn how to let go and live my life for me? I'm so lost. I'm trying the best I can to move on and go to college and learn independence and how to rely on myself, but for some reason I'm not as excited about it as I feel I should be. I'm not excited about anything ever. A lot of the time I feel emotionless, blank, like i've lived the past few years dissociating because that's how I coped. I know I should seek professional help, but i'm currently unemployed and uninsured. Because most of you have gone through it, I was hoping ya'll could give me some advice and encouragement. Thanks for reading! -angie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 30, 2011 Report Share Posted July 30, 2011 Dear Angie, Oh my gosh, my heart is just flying out to you all the way from Europe...it sounds like you're in such a tender spot at the moment and I hope you give yourself lots of room and time to come through. I wish I could help but not sure how - anyways when I read your email I wondering if you're in a kind of emotional shock. To use an example - when driving 100 miles an hour and then going to a slow crawl it is *really* jarring so perhaps in the same way coming out of a really intense emotional situation and then coming out of it will feel just as jarring and bewildering and so of course you're going to feel it. I know that doesn't take the pain away but understanding what you're feeling may help you to be tender and acknowledging towards yourself and what you're feeling. I'm 38 now and I remember 18 as a time of still being intensely emotionally but maybe because you've also been in such an intense situation that you are feeling equally as intense as your Mom because there wasn't a way for you to 'decompress'? I hope that helps a little bit. Thinking of you with kindness, Lavender > > OK, So let me start by kind of introducing myself. Hi, I'm Angelina or Angie. I'm 18 years old and live in the great state of Minnesota. I recently found out about the severity of my mother's BPD. I have known about it for years, but never knew how bad it really was and how controlling and manipulative she is. I have moved back in to my father's house and am trying to distance myself from her because its whats best for me and my own mental and emotional health.I'm having a hard time coping. > > Having lived with her almost all of my life, I've picked up some of her tendencies. the self loathing, the feeling of worthlessness, looking to others to know who I am, I'm constantly worrying about what others think of me, and I've been living life in fear. (these are just a few of the things i've picked up from her) I don't know what to do. I want to feel better, be outgoing, funny, goofy,feel emotions, everything I used to be. I know that its all up to me, but how do kick-start this mental change/outlook? How do I break free from these overwhelming thoughts and the way I've been conditioned? > > Its strange because I never imagined not living with my mom or having her around, but when my aunt had pointed out to me how controlling she was, I realized how my mother had made it seem like I would always need her because she needed me. My mother has done the best she was capable when it came to raising and caring for my sister and I, but I feel as though I didn't have a mother, I had a best friend. I want to be loved, cared for, positive attention, but I don't know how to fill those voids. > How do I learn how to let go and live my life for me? > I'm so lost. I'm trying the best I can to move on and go to college and learn independence and how to rely on myself, but for some reason I'm not as excited about it as I feel I should be. I'm not excited about anything ever. A lot of the time I feel emotionless, blank, like i've lived the past few years dissociating because that's how I coped. > > I know I should seek professional help, but i'm currently unemployed and uninsured. Because most of you have gone through it, I was hoping ya'll could give me some advice and encouragement. > > Thanks for reading! > -angie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 30, 2011 Report Share Posted July 30, 2011 Welcome to the Group, Angie, and welcome to all the newbies. It seems a bunch of new members arrived all at once. Welcome to all fellow adult kids of bpd parents. Yes, you've found a bunch of other people who truly get what its like to grow up with a borderline pd mother or father or both. Sometimes when it first hits us: the realization that our mother (or father) is mentally ill and we may never be able to have the close, warm, trusting relationship with her we want and need, we go through a kind of grieving process, almost as though our parent has died. So, sometimes when this realization sinks in we experience the stages of grieving, which includes denial, anger, depression, etc. Its possible that you are experiencing grief; if so that is painful, but its normal and healthy and the grief will eventually lessen. There is hope for us adult kids of bpd parents. The feelings and behaviors you describe in yourself sound more like anxiety to me than borderline pd, but even if you are experiencing borderline pd traits, the fact that *you're noticing it* and *it bothers you* means that its not very likely that you have borderline pd. You are correct: children tend to mimic the behaviors and traits modeled to them as " normal " by their parents, but learned behaviors can be unlearned with time and patience, and therapy does help. Its not absolutely necessary to go through formal therapy; you can find peace and healing on your own. It is great if you can afford therapy and if you can find a therapist who is experienced with treating the adult children of personality-disordered parents, its like having a guide through the jungle, but, its OK if you must wait and start out on your own. There are many good self-help books out there now about borderline pd; knowledge is power, and its empowering. There is a reading list at the home page of this Group, at bpdcentral.com. I highly recommend " Understanding The Borderline Mother. " Your local library can order a book for you if they don't already have it. Just the fact that you are no longer exposed to daily contact with your bpd mom's negative, controlling, manipulative behaviors will help you, I'm willing to bet; at least it did in my own case. Post here when you can. We're all here on the same journey to peace and healing with you. -Annie > > OK, So let me start by kind of introducing myself. Hi, I'm Angelina or Angie. I'm 18 years old and live in the great state of Minnesota. I recently found out about the severity of my mother's BPD. I have known about it for years, but never knew how bad it really was and how controlling and manipulative she is. I have moved back in to my father's house and am trying to distance myself from her because its whats best for me and my own mental and emotional health.I'm having a hard time coping. > > Having lived with her almost all of my life, I've picked up some of her tendencies. the self loathing, the feeling of worthlessness, looking to others to know who I am, I'm constantly worrying about what others think of me, and I've been living life in fear. (these are just a few of the things i've picked up from her) I don't know what to do. I want to feel better, be outgoing, funny, goofy,feel emotions, everything I used to be. I know that its all up to me, but how do kick-start this mental change/outlook? How do I break free from these overwhelming thoughts and the way I've been conditioned? > > Its strange because I never imagined not living with my mom or having her around, but when my aunt had pointed out to me how controlling she was, I realized how my mother had made it seem like I would always need her because she needed me. My mother has done the best she was capable when it came to raising and caring for my sister and I, but I feel as though I didn't have a mother, I had a best friend. I want to be loved, cared for, positive attention, but I don't know how to fill those voids. > How do I learn how to let go and live my life for me? > I'm so lost. I'm trying the best I can to move on and go to college and learn independence and how to rely on myself, but for some reason I'm not as excited about it as I feel I should be. I'm not excited about anything ever. A lot of the time I feel emotionless, blank, like i've lived the past few years dissociating because that's how I coped. > > I know I should seek professional help, but i'm currently unemployed and uninsured. Because most of you have gone through it, I was hoping ya'll could give me some advice and encouragement. > > Thanks for reading! > -angie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 30, 2011 Report Share Posted July 30, 2011 Hi, Angie... > > OK, So let me start by kind of introducing myself. Hi, I'm Angelina or Angie. I'm 18 years old and live in the great state of Minnesota. I recently found out about the severity of my mother's BPD. I have known about it for years, but never knew how bad it really was and how controlling and manipulative she is. I have moved back in to my father's house and am trying to distance myself from her because its whats best for me and my own mental and emotional health.I'm having a hard time coping. I'm and I'm 43. I'm so glad you are finding out all about this at 18. At your age, I was aware that my nada had been sexually abused by my grandfather, but that was all I knew. Knowing that, I didn't know any better than to let her skate on things that a more healthy person who had only been sexually abused would never do. I thought she was normal and this was how people were. I also had no place to go to get away from her, and you do. I know you are feeling pretty horrible right now, but these two things are SO in your favor, I can't even tell you how much. Because you are so young, you know she really has BPD, and you are able to get out of her house into a much healthier environment, you have a real head start on recovery, no matter how awful things look and feel right now. > Having lived with her almost all of my life, I've picked up some of her tendencies. the self loathing, the feeling of worthlessness, looking to others to know who I am, I'm constantly worrying about what others think of me, and I've been living life in fear. (these are just a few of the things i've picked up from her) I don't know what to do. I want to feel better, be outgoing, funny, goofy,feel emotions, everything I used to be. I know that its all up to me, but how do kick-start this mental change/outlook? How do I break free from these overwhelming thoughts and the way I've been conditioned? Tough for me to say, because to a large extent I still am that way. But things that have helped me the most have been reading as much as I can about BPD (and especially about living with a parent with BPD) and getting myself around healthier people as much as possible. Of course, there are two barriers to that: 1.) As children of borderline parents, we don't know what healthy looks like. We tend to steer away from healthy and toward unhealthy, feeling like if we can't win over somebody who's alternately nice and then mean and rejecting, it doesn't count somehow. 2.) Because we feel so bad inside, it's hard to know how to socialize with healthy people. We see healthier people laughing and having a good time and joking around, and we're completely at a loss. I still feel like that a lot. But like I said, I'm 43 and you're 18, which is very good for you. If you can make one healthier friend who understands, it will become more apparent how people without your mother's problems are in the world, and you will see that it is a much kinder place than maybe you've been led to believe. Most people around here are gonna recommend counseling. That is a very good idea if you can get it. Contact the dept of social services. They may be able to recommend therapists who charge on a sliding scale for people who cannot afford the fees. > Its strange because I never imagined not living with my mom or having her around, but when my aunt had pointed out to me how controlling she was, I realized how my mother had made it seem like I would always need her because she needed me. My mother has done the best she was capable when it came to raising and caring for my sister and I, but I feel as though I didn't have a mother, I had a best friend. I want to be loved, cared for, positive attention, but I don't know how to fill those voids. Yeah...I can totally relate to that experience and those feelings. At least you are aware enough to know that that is what they are. When I was your age I got obsessed with person who didn't have room in their life for me, after person who didn't have room in their life for me, and thought my problem was a romance problem. You are already a lot better off than I was. A therapist could really help you out with those feelings, as can noticing the good and healthy things you do and congratulating yourself for the triumphs that they are. Every way you act better than your mother in a situation your mother would have totally screwed up, you should be proud of. > How do I learn how to let go and live my life for me? > I'm so lost. I'm trying the best I can to move on and go to college and learn independence and how to rely on myself, but for some reason I'm not as excited about it as I feel I should be. I'm not excited about anything ever. A lot of the time I feel emotionless, blank, like i've lived the past few years dissociating because that's how I coped. I lived my entire childhood dissociating into fantasy because the world I was living in just sucked. Until you figure out who you really are and what you really love, you are going to feel like this for a while. Please, please, please, please don't decide on a career or put yourself too much in debt towards one until you can really be sure you have chosen the right thing for you. Salma Hayek once said, " If you enjoy the process, it's your dream. If you don't enjoy the process, but are just suffering though it to get to some goal at the end, it's the dream you are dreaming for someone to love you. " As a person who did the latter and who is now trapped in a career that doesn't feel good by bills she racked up getting there, I can definitely say, wait until you've found something you really get up in the morning and feel thrilled about doing, each and every day, before you plan your life in that direction. It may take you a while to find what that is. Until then, live within your means, go out and enjoy nature, exercise, eat healthy and take care of yourself, and sort of look around, at whatever job you end up working at for now, for people to hang with. Hanging with friends becomes easier when you have something shared to talk about. If you have some job or hobby or volunteer activity, that is a great place to find friends. Please post back and let us know how you are doing. Best of luck, . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 31, 2011 Report Share Posted July 31, 2011 Lavender- Thanks so much for your kind words and support, and all the way from EUROPE!? Wow! I found out about all of this about a month ago. And not only that, but within that same month my boyfriend broke up with me (which to most wouldn't have been a big deal for a measly 2 month relationship, but he was my best friend.), I was feeling all of the negative energy and soaking in all of my mother's depressive, i'm in pain, vibes (only losing myself further), lost my grandfather suddenly and unexpectedly, and my sisters attempted suicide. Its been a stressful, depressing, grim last few weeks for me. So, I'd have to somewhat agree with you about being in some kind of emotional shock. I'm trying to focus on me right now and what I want to do and how I feel. Hopefully I'll find a way to " decompress " my emotions. I've noticed that I hold them back and then finally something insignificant will happen and I'll explode on the people I love. It might be because I've learned to suppress (or maybe its repress) my emotions. Thank you again for reaching out to me and for your help with guiding me through this rough patch. I appreciate it more than words can express. God Bless and Hugs, Angie. > Dear Angie, > > Oh my gosh, my heart is just flying out to you all the way from Europe...it sounds like you're in such a tender spot at the moment and I hope you give yourself lots of room and time to come through. > > I wish I could help but not sure how - anyways when I read your email I wondering if you're in a kind of emotional shock. To use an example - when driving 100 miles an hour and then going to a slow crawl it is *really* jarring so perhaps in the same way coming out of a really intense emotional situation and then coming out of it will feel just as jarring and bewildering and so of course you're going to feel it. I know that doesn't take the pain away but understanding what you're feeling may help you to be tender and acknowledging towards yourself and what you're feeling. I'm 38 now and I remember 18 as a time of still being intensely emotionally but maybe because you've also been in such an intense situation that you are feeling equally as intense as your Mom because there wasn't a way for you to 'decompress'? I hope that helps a little bit. > > Thinking of you with kindness, > > Lavender > > > > > > OK, So let me start by kind of introducing myself. Hi, I'm Angelina or Angie. I'm 18 years old and live in the great state of Minnesota. I recently found out about the severity of my mother's BPD. I have known about it for years, but never knew how bad it really was and how controlling and manipulative she is. I have moved back in to my father's house and am trying to distance myself from her because its whats best for me and my own mental and emotional health.I'm having a hard time coping. > > > > Having lived with her almost all of my life, I've picked up some of her tendencies. the self loathing, the feeling of worthlessness, looking to others to know who I am, I'm constantly worrying about what others think of me, and I've been living life in fear. (these are just a few of the things i've picked up from her) I don't know what to do. I want to feel better, be outgoing, funny, goofy,feel emotions, everything I used to be. I know that its all up to me, but how do kick-start this mental change/outlook? How do I break free from these overwhelming thoughts and the way I've been conditioned? > > > > Its strange because I never imagined not living with my mom or having her around, but when my aunt had pointed out to me how controlling she was, I realized how my mother had made it seem like I would always need her because she needed me. My mother has done the best she was capable when it came to raising and caring for my sister and I, but I feel as though I didn't have a mother, I had a best friend. I want to be loved, cared for, positive attention, but I don't know how to fill those voids. > > How do I learn how to let go and live my life for me? > > I'm so lost. I'm trying the best I can to move on and go to college and learn independence and how to rely on myself, but for some reason I'm not as excited about it as I feel I should be. I'm not excited about anything ever. A lot of the time I feel emotionless, blank, like i've lived the past few years dissociating because that's how I coped. > > > > I know I should seek professional help, but i'm currently unemployed and uninsured. Because most of you have gone through it, I was hoping ya'll could give me some advice and encouragement. > > > > Thanks for reading! > > -angie > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 1, 2011 Report Share Posted August 1, 2011 Angie, Gosh, when it rains it really pours doesn't it? So much on your plate... I know what you mean losing your best friend and boyfriend but hopefully he'll see how much stress you're under. With so much on your plate really don't take your break-up personally no matter what was said and perhaps you'll be able to be friends again at some time. I'm relieved to see your post and thanks so much for the hugs! I think you move me because I struggled really a lot myself from 11 to around 17 (as well as other times since then) and remember trying to handle it on my own, sitting and crying on my own etc. as our family was isolated from our extended family and others and I was also isolated at school to a large degree due to my families frequent moving from house to house, country to country. It's really hard trying to handle everything on your own which can in the long-run be worse than turning to someone for support to help you glimpse non-stressful life, balanced/healthy influence and remember what's out there is more than the world created by the intense relationship between you and your Mom - does that make sense? I hope so. I am wishing you well so I hope with you being in a tender place you will also be little mindful of the people you turn to so that you don't find yourself manipulated. I had a very hairy moment with a near stranger trying to lure me whilst I was in an emotionally heightened state at 14. Like you I also only found out about BPD a couple months ago after reading the first few chapters of Surviving a Borderline Parent. I'm hesitant to say my Mother has the full thing as there's been no formal diagnosis but I was shocked when I started looking back on my life to find that I had completely forgotten that she'd been hospitalized when I was little. So there has been a long, long history of issues and all the while I thought it was all down to me...sigh. So I'm still really in the midst of trying to figure out things too... Like you I also can't afford therapy at present either (and it's a little more tricky here since the condition isn't really mentioned a lot) I'm trying journalling/writing, reading anything I can get my hands on and take what I can from the board. So I feel way out of my depths speaking about my feelings but I felt that the other replies to your original post were lovely, intelligent, sound and very comforting. Becoming independent (without rushing a career choice while you don't understand yourself) is a good thing and so is reading to understand your Mom, yourself, and your reactions as well as hers and others. I've been reading everything I can get my hands on that seems relevant, going from book to book where it really helps so here's some books that I think you may find helpful? (especially if you can borrow a copy from your library): 'Daughters of Madness' I'm still only part-way through but it's really helpful to read about the process of growing up in a family with someone with mental illness and the affects, described both by the author and those involved. Discusses attachment theory/early brain wiring and how that changes our reactions when we're older without understanding why we do some things the way we do. 'Who's pulling your strings?' Anti-manipulation techniques but one of the opening chapters talks about personality types that are more vulnerable and you may find some stuff there that will help you understand yourself more and how to be aware of people 'pulling your strings' in future. 'Surviving a Borderline Parent', 'The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder', 'Understanding the Borderline Mother' all discuss BPD, and techniques of being in relationship with those who suffer from the condition. Good books. I'm also looking forward to starting to read Self-Compassion which I hope will help get some of the long years of negative criticism out of my system and the tendency to expect too much of myself given some rather difficult circumstances...although no-where near as difficult as some of the other brave posters here. Anyway, I hope you are finding some relief and I'm really sorry to hear about what's happening to you. Chin up, Lavender > > > > > > OK, So let me start by kind of introducing myself. Hi, I'm Angelina or Angie. I'm 18 years old and live in the great state of Minnesota. I recently found out about the severity of my mother's BPD. I have known about it for years, but never knew how bad it really was and how controlling and manipulative she is. I have moved back in to my father's house and am trying to distance myself from her because its whats best for me and my own mental and emotional health.I'm having a hard time coping. > > > > > > Having lived with her almost all of my life, I've picked up some of her tendencies. the self loathing, the feeling of worthlessness, looking to others to know who I am, I'm constantly worrying about what others think of me, and I've been living life in fear. (these are just a few of the things i've picked up from her) I don't know what to do. I want to feel better, be outgoing, funny, goofy,feel emotions, everything I used to be. I know that its all up to me, but how do kick-start this mental change/outlook? How do I break free from these overwhelming thoughts and the way I've been conditioned? > > > > > > Its strange because I never imagined not living with my mom or having her around, but when my aunt had pointed out to me how controlling she was, I realized how my mother had made it seem like I would always need her because she needed me. My mother has done the best she was capable when it came to raising and caring for my sister and I, but I feel as though I didn't have a mother, I had a best friend. I want to be loved, cared for, positive attention, but I don't know how to fill those voids. > > > How do I learn how to let go and live my life for me? > > > I'm so lost. I'm trying the best I can to move on and go to college and learn independence and how to rely on myself, but for some reason I'm not as excited about it as I feel I should be. I'm not excited about anything ever. A lot of the time I feel emotionless, blank, like i've lived the past few years dissociating because that's how I coped. > > > > > > I know I should seek professional help, but i'm currently unemployed and uninsured. Because most of you have gone through it, I was hoping ya'll could give me some advice and encouragement. > > > > > > Thanks for reading! > > > -angie > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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