New to group: BP mother is obsessed with my baby

[Guest guest]

Hi I am new to this group. I need some advise from someone who has had some

experience with a Nada who thinks they are entitled to their grandchild without

having to respect their grown childrens' boundaries.

I am coming to terms with the fact my mom has High Functioning BP, she hasn't

been diagnosed, but I am 100% sure she fits the bill. I am 36 years old and I

have a wonderful life, husband, and beautiful 2 year old baby, but I suffer

terrible stress because of the havoc my mom brings to my life. It's more

complicated by the fact that I am bipolar, which I am sure was triggered by the

emotional abuse I've suffered as a child. My mom is controlling and

over-involved. Things were hard for me as a child and teenager, but got better

once I left home and got away from my family. Only recently did things flare up

with her after I had a baby, actually things got worse when I got pregnant and

it became all about her " grandma experience " .(he is the only grandchild) She

wants to visit every two months and step over every boundary I have. (I had gone

to great lengths to come off my meds just to have a baby, and she doesn't seem

to care about my stress level) It doesn't help that her therapist told her to

save every penny and come visit us as much as possible (she lives out of state).

She picks fights and loads on the guilt when I don't do exactly what she wants.

Recently the situation escalated when we said she couldn't come to visit in Oct,

and she blew up and canceled her upcoming trip for my son's birthday in July,

and then blamed it on me, writing me guilt letters and blaming me for the whole

situation after yelling and screaming at my husband. We decided to cut her off

for three months, with the help and support of my therapist. But now my mom is

telling everyone that I'm Borderline! I wouldn't be surprised if she joined the

support group 'parent of BP child' and is complaining to everyone in that group

right now about me. She has threatened to sue for grandparents rights in the

past when we asked her not to visit as much, and I actually think she may try to

do that. (she tried to sue her neighbors because there dogs barked, so I believe

she may try it)I have tried everything to make her happy but now I know that

nothing will EVER be enough. I have read 3 books, get therapy and medication,

but still feel sad that I may lose my relationship with my mom and dad (my dad

stands by her) I can't let her enmeshed herself with my son like she did with

me, I feel the need to protect my family. I have made up my mind to put up my

boundaries, and I stand by them, but emotionally it's still hard because I love

her and want a relationship but not at any price:-( She has agreed to see a new

therapist but I don't know what the chances are that they will see her disorder,

(the last therapist didn't) Or if there is any chance of a normal relationship,

most people by the way don't think there is anything wrong with her, she is High

Functioning and passes off for normal most the time. I guess I just want to hear

that this has happened to someone else and how they handled it, she waited her

whole life for me to have a baby " for her " (grrrrr!) and now I am denying her

" grandparent's rights " , there may be hell to pay before this is all over:-(

[Guest guest]

Welcome to the group, I have not experienced this but I just wanted to chime in

and give you some support. I am not sure the 'grandparents rights' thing applies

when the marriage is still intact and even then it has fallen out of favor

somewhat in the court systems and some of the rulings have been overturned, i

know because I looked into it a bit when my brother was divorcing his wife and

my parents wanted to see their granddaughter (not obsessively, they aren't like

that with their grandkids).

If she wants to sue you let her. I really don't think she has any kind of case

that a lawyer would take and expect to win but I might be wrong, she's just

being intimidating. It might take that lesson for her to learn that she cannot

bully her way into seeing the child, that instead she is going to have to play

by YOUR rules and respect your limits and boundaries on what she can and can't

do or otherwise you might have to charge her with stalking and harassment, those

are pretty common themes around here of the grandparents overstepping their

bounds because they have no basic respect for their own children and their

rights. I'm sure you are going to get some great feedback, sorry you are so

stressed out and I hope you are able to set some firm boundaries with her and

take care of yourself and your bipolar. Hugs.

>

> Hi I am new to this group. I need some advise from someone who has had some

experience with a Nada who thinks they are entitled to their grandchild without

having to respect their grown childrens' boundaries.

> I am coming to terms with the fact my mom has High Functioning BP, she hasn't

been diagnosed, but I am 100% sure she fits the bill. I am 36 years old and I

have a wonderful life, husband, and beautiful 2 year old baby, but I suffer

terrible stress because of the havoc my mom brings to my life. It's more

complicated by the fact that I am bipolar, which I am sure was triggered by the

emotional abuse I've suffered as a child. My mom is controlling and

over-involved. Things were hard for me as a child and teenager, but got better

once I left home and got away from my family. Only recently did things flare up

with her after I had a baby, actually things got worse when I got pregnant and

it became all about her " grandma experience " .(he is the only grandchild) She

wants to visit every two months and step over every boundary I have. (I had gone

to great lengths to come off my meds just to have a baby, and she doesn't seem

to care about my stress level) It doesn't help that her therapist told her to

save every penny and come visit us as much as possible (she lives out of state).

She picks fights and loads on the guilt when I don't do exactly what she wants.

Recently the situation escalated when we said she couldn't come to visit in Oct,

and she blew up and canceled her upcoming trip for my son's birthday in July,

and then blamed it on me, writing me guilt letters and blaming me for the whole

situation after yelling and screaming at my husband. We decided to cut her off

for three months, with the help and support of my therapist. But now my mom is

telling everyone that I'm Borderline! I wouldn't be surprised if she joined the

support group 'parent of BP child' and is complaining to everyone in that group

right now about me. She has threatened to sue for grandparents rights in the

past when we asked her not to visit as much, and I actually think she may try to

do that. (she tried to sue her neighbors because there dogs barked, so I believe

she may try it)I have tried everything to make her happy but now I know that

nothing will EVER be enough. I have read 3 books, get therapy and medication,

but still feel sad that I may lose my relationship with my mom and dad (my dad

stands by her) I can't let her enmeshed herself with my son like she did with

me, I feel the need to protect my family. I have made up my mind to put up my

boundaries, and I stand by them, but emotionally it's still hard because I love

her and want a relationship but not at any price:-( She has agreed to see a new

therapist but I don't know what the chances are that they will see her disorder,

(the last therapist didn't) Or if there is any chance of a normal relationship,

most people by the way don't think there is anything wrong with her, she is High

Functioning and passes off for normal most the time. I guess I just want to hear

that this has happened to someone else and how they handled it, she waited her

whole life for me to have a baby " for her " (grrrrr!) and now I am denying her

" grandparent's rights " , there may be hell to pay before this is all over:-(

>

[Guest guest]

Once you have kids, the game changes completely.

This was when I was finally able to take control. When the mama bear awoke to

protect her babies from the sickness. It became more about MY family, and less

about needing to be the peace maker with her.

You kind of have to decide how much contact you want, YOU get to set the ground

rules, well, you get to set the rules period if she wants to see her grandson.

Thats the way it now is, and she needs to get used to it.

Rather than have her stay with you, have her stay in a hotel. That way the time

that she spends with you can be " quality " , and she also can go decompress in her

own space, and you also get a break.

I was MORe than generous with my own mother, but she kept pushing and

pushing...until I pushed back. She didn't like that. We are NC now. If she

wanted to see the kids, she had to play by my rules. So, she lost.

My father (NPD married to a BPD) was recently informed that he isn't welcome to

stay here with her, and I'm sure they would have a more relaxing visit with

their friends 40 minutes down the road. Then, HE can come visit with the girls

when he wants. Quality, nice, relaxing visits.

It may sound heartless on my part, but most of you know what our childhoods were

like, and I will NOT expose my kids to that. I spent YEARS in therapy getting my

head screwed back on right.

>

> Hi I am new to this group. I need some advise from someone who has had some

experience with a Nada who thinks they are entitled to their grandchild without

having to respect their grown childrens' boundaries.

> I am coming to terms with the fact my mom has High Functioning BP, she hasn't

been diagnosed, but I am 100% sure she fits the bill. I am 36 years old and I

have a wonderful life, husband, and beautiful 2 year old baby, but I suffer

terrible stress because of the havoc my mom brings to my life. It's more

complicated by the fact that I am bipolar, which I am sure was triggered by the

emotional abuse I've suffered as a child. My mom is controlling and

over-involved. Things were hard for me as a child and teenager, but got better

once I left home and got away from my family. Only recently did things flare up

with her after I had a baby, actually things got worse when I got pregnant and

it became all about her " grandma experience " .(he is the only grandchild) She

wants to visit every two months and step over every boundary I have. (I had gone

to great lengths to come off my meds just to have a baby, and she doesn't seem

to care about my stress level) It doesn't help that her therapist told her to

save every penny and come visit us as much as possible (she lives out of state).

She picks fights and loads on the guilt when I don't do exactly what she wants.

Recently the situation escalated when we said she couldn't come to visit in Oct,

and she blew up and canceled her upcoming trip for my son's birthday in July,

and then blamed it on me, writing me guilt letters and blaming me for the whole

situation after yelling and screaming at my husband. We decided to cut her off

for three months, with the help and support of my therapist. But now my mom is

telling everyone that I'm Borderline! I wouldn't be surprised if she joined the

support group 'parent of BP child' and is complaining to everyone in that group

right now about me. She has threatened to sue for grandparents rights in the

past when we asked her not to visit as much, and I actually think she may try to

do that. (she tried to sue her neighbors because there dogs barked, so I believe

she may try it)I have tried everything to make her happy but now I know that

nothing will EVER be enough. I have read 3 books, get therapy and medication,

but still feel sad that I may lose my relationship with my mom and dad (my dad

stands by her) I can't let her enmeshed herself with my son like she did with

me, I feel the need to protect my family. I have made up my mind to put up my

boundaries, and I stand by them, but emotionally it's still hard because I love

her and want a relationship but not at any price:-( She has agreed to see a new

therapist but I don't know what the chances are that they will see her disorder,

(the last therapist didn't) Or if there is any chance of a normal relationship,

most people by the way don't think there is anything wrong with her, she is High

Functioning and passes off for normal most the time. I guess I just want to hear

that this has happened to someone else and how they handled it, she waited her

whole life for me to have a baby " for her " (grrrrr!) and now I am denying her

" grandparent's rights " , there may be hell to pay before this is all over:-(

>

[Guest guest]

Hi, and welcome.

I just want to say, Good for you for standing up for yourself and protecting

your child! I'm so sorry your mother isn't responding well. I really relate to

your fears and your stress. It sounds like your mom feels entitled to act

however she wants.

I hope I can help just a little with the grandparents' rights issue. I was

terrified my parents would sue me when I went NC a few months ago, especially

since my enabler of a father works in the legal field! Unless your mother has

been a primary caregiver to your child at any point, or you die or get divorced

and your H denies her contact after that, in most states she doesn't have a

case. It sounds like you already have a history of limited contact with her, so

that will help you. She could still sue you but is not likely to be awarded

anything, and if it happens your attorney can remind her that going through with

that kind of lawsuit is just begging to have all of her crazy behavior made

public, and that suing people is not a very good way to get them to trust you.

I would recommend documenting every interaction with your mother at this point.

Keep a log of her attempts to contact you by phone, and a file folder with any

mail she sends you. If you have any written record of your request for a short

break (I know in BPD world 3 months is a lifetime, but in reality it's not

much!), put it in the file. At the very least, write down your account of what

happens as soon as it happens, with date/time.

I'm sorry your mom is nuts. And that's what it comes down to. But you are doing

absolutely the right things to put boundaries in place. I am glad you are

refusing to allow your mother to use your child to feed her inner monster. She

sounds really unstable.

Sveta

[Guest guest]

Hi , welcome to the Group.

I think you will find that there are several members here in your situation who

will be able to give you suggestions based on their own personal experiences.

It seems that bpd mothers in particular act out badly when their adult daughter

becomes engaged, gets married, and becomes a mother. Normal life events

including their adult child having a normal adult life will trigger the bpd

person's fears of abandonment.

My own personal guess is that your mother may also have a lot of narcissistic pd

traits: she is treating you more like a possession that she owns, rather than as

a fellow human being with equal rights and needs that may differ from hers that

should be respected.

That sense of entitlement she is displaying: that she has rights to see you and

your baby whenever she wants to, is more like narcissistic pd than borderline

pd, in my opinion. Threatening you with a lawsuit to force you to let her see

" her " grandchild whenever she wants (her " grandparents rights " ) isn't coming

from a loving adult's heart, its coming from a spoiled, raging two-year-old in

an adult's body, having a temper tantrum.

You have a great deal of insight already.

You understand that she is mentally ill and willing to " batter " you emotionally

to force you to give her what she wants, when she wants it. (That sense of

entitlement she has.)

You realize that its up to you to set boundaries with her, and you are

experiencing that doing so is NOT easy.

You realize that there is nothing you can do or say that will change *her*, that

all you have the power to do is change the way you react to her manipulative,

controlling, even coercive behaviors.

What you may be resisting or struggling with is giving up the hope that your

relationship with your mother can ever go back to the kind of openness and trust

you may have had with her in childhood.

In a way, you are now the " parent " and must set the rules of the relationship,

and that may make your mother resent you and fight you for control. She wants

you to be as compliant and malleable and cooperative as you were as a child, and

that is no longer appropriate. She may possibly not ever accept that you are

now her equal and deserve equal respect.

You may be resisting and struggling with the reality that the entire burden is

on you to stand up for yourself, create your boundaries to protect your needs

for privacy and autonomy, and enforce them, and that she may never accept this.

But if you are firm, consistent, and are able to remain somewhat emotionally

detached in a loving way, she may eventually accept that you are in charge now

(re your own needs and your husband's needs and your child's needs) and she will

eventually settle into a new, different, adult relationship with you.

I wish we all had magic wands and could magically poof our mothers into mental

health, but, it just ain't possible; instead we have to struggle with teaching

ourselves to assert our adult power, struggle with learning to set reasonable

adult boundaries and enforcing them, and learning to detach from our own need to

remain in a passive childlike state (trusting, obedient) with our bpd mothers.

-Annie

>

> Hi I am new to this group. I need some advise from someone who has had some

experience with a Nada who thinks they are entitled to their grandchild without

having to respect their grown childrens' boundaries.

> I am coming to terms with the fact my mom has High Functioning BP, she hasn't

been diagnosed, but I am 100% sure she fits the bill. I am 36 years old and I

have a wonderful life, husband, and beautiful 2 year old baby, but I suffer

terrible stress because of the havoc my mom brings to my life. It's more

complicated by the fact that I am bipolar, which I am sure was triggered by the

emotional abuse I've suffered as a child. My mom is controlling and

over-involved. Things were hard for me as a child and teenager, but got better

once I left home and got away from my family. Only recently did things flare up

with her after I had a baby, actually things got worse when I got pregnant and

it became all about her " grandma experience " .(he is the only grandchild) She

wants to visit every two months and step over every boundary I have. (I had gone

to great lengths to come off my meds just to have a baby, and she doesn't seem

to care about my stress level) It doesn't help that her therapist told her to

save every penny and come visit us as much as possible (she lives out of state).

She picks fights and loads on the guilt when I don't do exactly what she wants.

Recently the situation escalated when we said she couldn't come to visit in Oct,

and she blew up and canceled her upcoming trip for my son's birthday in July,

and then blamed it on me, writing me guilt letters and blaming me for the whole

situation after yelling and screaming at my husband. We decided to cut her off

for three months, with the help and support of my therapist. But now my mom is

telling everyone that I'm Borderline! I wouldn't be surprised if she joined the

support group 'parent of BP child' and is complaining to everyone in that group

right now about me. She has threatened to sue for grandparents rights in the

past when we asked her not to visit as much, and I actually think she may try to

do that. (she tried to sue her neighbors because there dogs barked, so I believe

she may try it)I have tried everything to make her happy but now I know that

nothing will EVER be enough. I have read 3 books, get therapy and medication,

but still feel sad that I may lose my relationship with my mom and dad (my dad

stands by her) I can't let her enmeshed herself with my son like she did with

me, I feel the need to protect my family. I have made up my mind to put up my

boundaries, and I stand by them, but emotionally it's still hard because I love

her and want a relationship but not at any price:-( She has agreed to see a new

therapist but I don't know what the chances are that they will see her disorder,

(the last therapist didn't) Or if there is any chance of a normal relationship,

most people by the way don't think there is anything wrong with her, she is High

Functioning and passes off for normal most the time. I guess I just want to hear

that this has happened to someone else and how they handled it, she waited her

whole life for me to have a baby " for her " (grrrrr!) and now I am denying her

" grandparent's rights " , there may be hell to pay before this is all over:-(

>

[Guest guest]

This should make you feel less alone: You're not the first new mother to post

this here. It happens a lot. When I had my child, my mother would spend the day

at my house and only hand her over to nurse. Otherwise, she'd insist on holding

the baby all day long. It really creeped me out.

As others have said, this is the time when you're really going to have to stick

to your guns and not let her step over your borders. If that means she doesn't

get to see grandbaby, oh well.

Good luck and stay strong.

>

> Hi I am new to this group. I need some advise from someone who has had some

experience with a Nada who thinks they are entitled to their grandchild without

having to respect their grown childrens' boundaries.

> I am coming to terms with the fact my mom has High Functioning BP, she hasn't

been diagnosed, but I am 100% sure she fits the bill. I am 36 years old and I

have a wonderful life, husband, and beautiful 2 year old baby, but I suffer

terrible stress because of the havoc my mom brings to my life. It's more

complicated by the fact that I am bipolar, which I am sure was triggered by the

emotional abuse I've suffered as a child. My mom is controlling and

over-involved. Things were hard for me as a child and teenager, but got better

once I left home and got away from my family. Only recently did things flare up

with her after I had a baby, actually things got worse when I got pregnant and

it became all about her " grandma experience " .(he is the only grandchild) She

wants to visit every two months and step over every boundary I have. (I had gone

to great lengths to come off my meds just to have a baby, and she doesn't seem

to care about my stress level) It doesn't help that her therapist told her to

save every penny and come visit us as much as possible (she lives out of state).

She picks fights and loads on the guilt when I don't do exactly what she wants.

Recently the situation escalated when we said she couldn't come to visit in Oct,

and she blew up and canceled her upcoming trip for my son's birthday in July,

and then blamed it on me, writing me guilt letters and blaming me for the whole

situation after yelling and screaming at my husband. We decided to cut her off

for three months, with the help and support of my therapist. But now my mom is

telling everyone that I'm Borderline! I wouldn't be surprised if she joined the

support group 'parent of BP child' and is complaining to everyone in that group

right now about me. She has threatened to sue for grandparents rights in the

past when we asked her not to visit as much, and I actually think she may try to

do that. (she tried to sue her neighbors because there dogs barked, so I believe

she may try it)I have tried everything to make her happy but now I know that

nothing will EVER be enough. I have read 3 books, get therapy and medication,

but still feel sad that I may lose my relationship with my mom and dad (my dad

stands by her) I can't let her enmeshed herself with my son like she did with

me, I feel the need to protect my family. I have made up my mind to put up my

boundaries, and I stand by them, but emotionally it's still hard because I love

her and want a relationship but not at any price:-( She has agreed to see a new

therapist but I don't know what the chances are that they will see her disorder,

(the last therapist didn't) Or if there is any chance of a normal relationship,

most people by the way don't think there is anything wrong with her, she is High

Functioning and passes off for normal most the time. I guess I just want to hear

that this has happened to someone else and how they handled it, she waited her

whole life for me to have a baby " for her " (grrrrr!) and now I am denying her

" grandparent's rights " , there may be hell to pay before this is all over:-(

>

[Guest guest]

Hi, - This is sort of a good news/bad news post in response to yours.

When my son was younger, I was very worried that if something happened to me and

my husband at the same time, my (then high-functioning BPD) mother would be

given custody of my son. She also made comments from time to time about

" grandparents' rights " and I knew that she wasn't above making allegations to

CPS about a child's treatment - she had used that tactic before with a different

child in the extended family (it was warranted in that case, but CPS sure didn't

do the child a favor by giving my mother custody!).

When we finally got around to making a will, we inserted a clause saying that

under NO circumstances was my mother to EVER get custody of our son (there were

also a few other close relatives also on the 'no custody' list - we had to find

a cousin of my husband's who was both sane and willing to take custody should

something happen to us). While we were discussing this with the attorney, I

expressed my fears that my mom would try to get hold of our child. He told me

then that there's no such thing as " grandparent's rights " in OUR state, unless

there are extenuating circumstances (a messy divorce, child taken by CPS, etc.)

With an intact marriage and both parents on the same page, there should be no

problem - but that's in MY state. Family law is state law in the US, so you

have to find out what the situation is where you live.

Your child is 2, so you have another 16 years to worry about who would raise

your baby if something happened to both of you. My suggestion is that you go

ahead and figure out who would be 'safe' to take on this role, be sure they're

willing and that they know the score about your mother, and then get an attorney

to draw up your will, and have a frank discussion with the lawyer about whether

" grandparents' rights " even exist in your state, and if so, what the conditions

are. Of course, you could also just Google the term and find out, but putting

restrictions in a will is one way of protecting your child AND getting to have

current, competent legal advice on the subject.

So the bad news is, you probably need to take some extra steps to protect your

child in a worst-case scenario. The good news is, you can find out whether your

mother has any legal standing at all to demand " rights " to your child, and if

there are conditions under which she could sue for those rights, you will be

informed and able to take steps to avoid those circumstances. This is a

situation in which knowledge truly is power.

> >

> > Hi I am new to this group. I need some advise from someone who has had some

experience with a Nada who thinks they are entitled to their grandchild without

having to respect their grown childrens' boundaries.

> > I am coming to terms with the fact my mom has High Functioning BP, she

hasn't been diagnosed, but I am 100% sure she fits the bill. I am 36 years old

and I have a wonderful life, husband, and beautiful 2 year old baby, but I

suffer terrible stress because of the havoc my mom brings to my life. It's more

complicated by the fact that I am bipolar, which I am sure was triggered by the

emotional abuse I've suffered as a child. My mom is controlling and

over-involved. Things were hard for me as a child and teenager, but got better

once I left home and got away from my family. Only recently did things flare up

with her after I had a baby, actually things got worse when I got pregnant and

it became all about her " grandma experience " .(he is the only grandchild) She

wants to visit every two months and step over every boundary I have. (I had gone

to great lengths to come off my meds just to have a baby, and she doesn't seem

to care about my stress level) It doesn't help that her therapist told her to

save every penny and come visit us as much as possible (she lives out of state).

She picks fights and loads on the guilt when I don't do exactly what she wants.

Recently the situation escalated when we said she couldn't come to visit in Oct,

and she blew up and canceled her upcoming trip for my son's birthday in July,

and then blamed it on me, writing me guilt letters and blaming me for the whole

situation after yelling and screaming at my husband. We decided to cut her off

for three months, with the help and support of my therapist. But now my mom is

telling everyone that I'm Borderline! I wouldn't be surprised if she joined the

support group 'parent of BP child' and is complaining to everyone in that group

right now about me. She has threatened to sue for grandparents rights in the

past when we asked her not to visit as much, and I actually think she may try to

do that. (she tried to sue her neighbors because there dogs barked, so I believe

she may try it)I have tried everything to make her happy but now I know that

nothing will EVER be enough. I have read 3 books, get therapy and medication,

but still feel sad that I may lose my relationship with my mom and dad (my dad

stands by her) I can't let her enmeshed herself with my son like she did with

me, I feel the need to protect my family. I have made up my mind to put up my

boundaries, and I stand by them, but emotionally it's still hard because I love

her and want a relationship but not at any price:-( She has agreed to see a new

therapist but I don't know what the chances are that they will see her disorder,

(the last therapist didn't) Or if there is any chance of a normal relationship,

most people by the way don't think there is anything wrong with her, she is High

Functioning and passes off for normal most the time. I guess I just want to hear

that this has happened to someone else and how they handled it, she waited her

whole life for me to have a baby " for her " (grrrrr!) and now I am denying her

" grandparent's rights " , there may be hell to pay before this is all over:-(

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Dear ,

I've been on this board for around 7 years now, and in my experience the most

extreme events that bring out nada-abuse are weddings and childbirth--with

childbirth being the worse of the two!

Nadas see their grandchildren as 'theirs'--their possessions, extensions of

themselves. They also see them as prime weapons to get control over their KOs

and to show that their will overcomes their KOs. It is a pathological way that

nadas try to prove they are not physically *separate from their KO children.

Please be careful for your toddler's safety, because this manifests itself in

very dangerous ways. I have read such disturbing stories on this board--nadas

driving babies without car seats, because their daughters insisted and they were

compelled to overcome their daughters' will. Nadas leaving babies in rooms

being fumigated. Nadas insisting on feeding babies foods to which they were

allergic. Nadas attempt in every possible way to undermine and subterfuge

whatever rules and parenting they see their KOs doing to the grandbabies. It is

extremely dangerous.

The reason that your nada called you a borderline, by the way, is because she is

projecting onto you. It means that she, somewhere in her, knows SHE is a

borderline. Nadas never willingly accept boundaries--they only can have them

forced upon them. Any attempt at setting boundaries, a nada will see as an

attack--and attack back, with, for example, the character assassination your

nada is attempting now.

One West Coast therapist named Marcia Linehan has some success with treating

borderlines--she's been featured in a series of news articles; listserve manager

Randi also knows of successful recovery stories and books. But it takes an

extremely skilled, expert therapist who truly understands the one central fact

about high-functioning borderline mothers: they have a compulsion to harm their

children, and an even stronger compulsion to try and simultaneously mask that

harm from themselves, their victims and their society. I am very sorry to be so

severe but I need to tell you that I believe strongly if a KO does not protect

their newborn child, nada will exercise her compulsion to harm against that

child, to the fullest extent of her ability. This may range from psychological

to even physical harm, depending upon the nada's modus operandi. I hope that

you will feel very welcome here, and keep up your efforts to learn more about

bpd and how to deal with your situation.

Best wishes,

Charlotte

>

> Hi I am new to this group. I need some advise from someone who has had some

experience with a Nada who thinks they are entitled to their grandchild without

having to respect their grown childrens' boundaries.

> I am coming to terms with the fact my mom has High Functioning BP, she hasn't

been diagnosed, but I am 100% sure she fits the bill. I am 36 years old and I

have a wonderful life, husband, and beautiful 2 year old baby, but I suffer

terrible stress because of the havoc my mom brings to my life. It's more

complicated by the fact that I am bipolar, which I am sure was triggered by the

emotional abuse I've suffered as a child. My mom is controlling and

over-involved. Things were hard for me as a child and teenager, but got better

once I left home and got away from my family. Only recently did things flare up

with her after I had a baby, actually things got worse when I got pregnant and

it became all about her " grandma experience " .(he is the only grandchild) She

wants to visit every two months and step over every boundary I have. (I had gone

to great lengths to come off my meds just to have a baby, and she doesn't seem

to care about my stress level) It doesn't help that her therapist told her to

save every penny and come visit us as much as possible (she lives out of state).

She picks fights and loads on the guilt when I don't do exactly what she wants.

Recently the situation escalated when we said she couldn't come to visit in Oct,

and she blew up and canceled her upcoming trip for my son's birthday in July,

and then blamed it on me, writing me guilt letters and blaming me for the whole

situation after yelling and screaming at my husband. We decided to cut her off

for three months, with the help and support of my therapist. But now my mom is

telling everyone that I'm Borderline! I wouldn't be surprised if she joined the

support group 'parent of BP child' and is complaining to everyone in that group

right now about me. She has threatened to sue for grandparents rights in the

past when we asked her not to visit as much, and I actually think she may try to

do that. (she tried to sue her neighbors because there dogs barked, so I believe

she may try it)I have tried everything to make her happy but now I know that

nothing will EVER be enough. I have read 3 books, get therapy and medication,

but still feel sad that I may lose my relationship with my mom and dad (my dad

stands by her) I can't let her enmeshed herself with my son like she did with

me, I feel the need to protect my family. I have made up my mind to put up my

boundaries, and I stand by them, but emotionally it's still hard because I love

her and want a relationship but not at any price:-( She has agreed to see a new

therapist but I don't know what the chances are that they will see her disorder,

(the last therapist didn't) Or if there is any chance of a normal relationship,

most people by the way don't think there is anything wrong with her, she is High

Functioning and passes off for normal most the time. I guess I just want to hear

that this has happened to someone else and how they handled it, she waited her

whole life for me to have a baby " for her " (grrrrr!) and now I am denying her

" grandparent's rights " , there may be hell to pay before this is all over:-(

>

[Guest guest]

Hi

A couple of comments, but the one I ll lead with just jumps out at me

from your story. You write

It doesn't help that her therapist told her to save every penny and come

visit us as much as possible

Really? Did you hear this directly from her therapist? I ask this

because of something that those of us who have dealt with Oz for a long

time have figure out: Nada s lie. Without shame, without hesitation,

and boldly, they will " gaslight " memories, or just blatantly lie about

what therapists, Dr s, family members, or anyone else said. This will be

done to make them appear more a victim, or hero, or to manipulate you.

My policy with Nada the last years of her life, and my policay now with

any BP, is never believe any word out of their mouth without

confirmation.

Not that it matters, for it is not up to her T to decide if YOU should

accept her as a guest. It would be within your bounds to send a letter

to that T, and say, this is what my mother told me you advise her.

Please be advised that it is my opinion that my mom has BPD, and whether

that is true or not she does not respect my boundaries and house rules,

and is thus a problem if she visists. So in future, if you did indeed

suggest what she told me you did, kindly keep your advise to things that

affect your patient, my mom, and out of things that affect others who

are not seeking your help, ie me.

( This is a polite way of saying butt the hell out!)

---------------

Yes, it is all about her Grandma experience, not about the fact that a

new family member has arrived. My nada chose the Granny name that my

kids were to call her, for goodness sake!

If she sends guilt and poisen pen letters, dont read or accept her

letters. Do NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT EVER in a Million years, let

her send letters that you don t read first, have unmonitored phone

conversations, or unsupervised time with your kids. What they do to us,

turning us into KO s, they are fully capable of inflicting on your kids

as well.

------------

You write

without having to respect their grown childrens' boundaries. Of

course. They never think they have to respect other boundaries. You only

exist to her as an exension of her needs. But you must do with her what

you would do with anyone else who refuses to respect your boundaries.

Not surprising she would attempt to make YOU the crazy one. They

sometimes manage, for a time, to persuade their T that they are the lone

sane one in the midst of a crazy family. Read SWOE for more about this.

I would suggest keeping some of those poisen pen letters. I would let

her know that if she continues to behave in this way, or if she tries

court proceedings, you will counter with filing a restraining order

against her.

Grandparents visitation is not a constitutional right. What courts will

award varies by state and by situation

http://www.enotes.com/everyday-law-encyclopedia/grandparents-rights

<http://www.enotes.com/everyday-law-encyclopedia/grandparents-rights>

but in general is awarded in cases where either A. the child formerly

resided with the grandparents, or B. The parents are divorced and the

custodial parent is not the child of the grandparents, or C. The parent

who is the child of the grandparents dies.

It is quite unusual for a court to award visitation in a case in which

the child is with both birth parents and both agree they do not wish for

the grandparent to visit.

Further, if neither you, nor your husband resided in her state at the

time of the birth, and if the baby has never resided in her state, there

is some question whether the courts even have jurisdiction.

As to your sadness at losing the relationship, I m sorry, really I am.

Most of us grieve the same loss. We will never have the relationship we

want, and deserve, and often will lose all relationship.

Check out Bpdcentral.com

It has a number of great resources. Also, after you read Stop Walking

on Eggshells, check out Randi Kreger s new book, The essential Family

Guide to BPD.

Good luck!

Doug

>

> Hi I am new to this group. I need some advise from someone who has had

some experience with a Nada who thinks they are entitled to their

grandchild without having to respect their grown childrens' boundaries.

> I am coming to terms with the fact my mom has High Functioning BP, she

hasn't been diagnosed, but I am 100% sure she fits the bill. I am 36

years old and I have a wonderful life, husband, and beautiful 2 year old

baby, but I suffer terrible stress because of the havoc my mom brings to

my life. It's more complicated by the fact that I am bipolar, which I am

sure was triggered by the emotional abuse I've suffered as a child. My

mom is controlling and over-involved. Things were hard for me as a child

and teenager, but got better once I left home and got away from my

family. Only recently did things flare up with her after I had a baby,

actually things got worse when I got pregnant and it became all about

her " grandma experience " .(he is the only grandchild) She wants to visit

every two months and step over every boundary I have. (I had gone to

great lengths to come off my meds just to have a baby, and she doesn't

seem to care about my stress level) It doesn't help that her therapist

told her to save every penny and come visit us as much as possible (she

lives out of state). She picks fights and loads on the guilt when I

don't do exactly what she wants. Recently the situation escalated when

we said she couldn't come to visit in Oct, and she blew up and canceled

her upcoming trip for my son's birthday in July, and then blamed it on

me, writing me guilt letters and blaming me for the whole situation

after yelling and screaming at my husband. We decided to cut her off for

three months, with the help and support of my therapist. But now my mom

is telling everyone that I'm Borderline! I wouldn't be surprised if she

joined the support group 'parent of BP child' and is complaining to

everyone in that group right now about me. She has threatened to sue for

grandparents rights in the past when we asked her not to visit as much,

and I actually think she may try to do that. (she tried to sue her

neighbors because there dogs barked, so I believe she may try it)I have

tried everything to make her happy but now I know that nothing will EVER

be enough. I have read 3 books, get therapy and medication, but still

feel sad that I may lose my relationship with my mom and dad (my dad

stands by her) I can't let her enmeshed herself with my son like she did

with me, I feel the need to protect my family. I have made up my mind to

put up my boundaries, and I stand by them, but emotionally it's still

hard because I love her and want a relationship but not at any price:-(

She has agreed to see a new therapist but I don't know what the chances

are that they will see her disorder, (the last therapist didn't) Or if

there is any chance of a normal relationship, most people by the way

don't think there is anything wrong with her, she is High Functioning

and passes off for normal most the time. I guess I just want to hear

that this has happened to someone else and how they handled it, she

waited her whole life for me to have a baby " for her " (grrrrr!) and now

I am denying her " grandparent's rights " , there may be hell to pay before

this is all over:-(

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome!

My mom acted like she was the only one qualified to care for a baby. Instead of

showing my sister when she had her baby or me with my first child, she would

simply take over. At times her focus was so intense on a baby that it was almost

like she was trying to suck the life out of them. Creepy.

As my parenting skills grew and I started setting boundaries, she wouldn't honor

my requests. We eventually blew up and went NC, mainly over her not leaving the

car seat alone and other safety related issues.

However, the *worst* was when I got pregnant with my second child. She exploded

when she found out I was pregnant again. She said " I don't have room in my heart

for another baby. " She threatened to cut my husbands testicles off. As my

pregnancy grew, she became increasingly depressed and agitated. Psychotic even.

Not only that, she refused to take any interest in my newest baby. I was very

hurt when she and dad refused to come see us in the hospital, especially since

my son was named for my dad.

She found she couldn't completely ignore my son forever, since he's quite a

charmer, but he is clearly her least favorite. She even attributes things that

her other grandchildren have done that made her angry to my son, instead of

blaming the actual party.

You know, I think about these things and I just get angry again. My mother is a

monster.

>

> Hi I am new to this group. I need some advise from someone who has had some

experience with a Nada who thinks they are entitled to their grandchild without

having to respect their grown childrens' boundaries.

> I am coming to terms with the fact my mom has High Functioning BP, she hasn't

been diagnosed, but I am 100% sure she fits the bill. I am 36 years old and I

have a wonderful life, husband, and beautiful 2 year old baby, but I suffer

terrible stress because of the havoc my mom brings to my life. It's more

complicated by the fact that I am bipolar, which I am sure was triggered by the

emotional abuse I've suffered as a child. My mom is controlling and

over-involved. Things were hard for me as a child and teenager, but got better

once I left home and got away from my family. Only recently did things flare up

with her after I had a baby, actually things got worse when I got pregnant and

it became all about her " grandma experience " .(he is the only grandchild) She

wants to visit every two months and step over every boundary I have. (I had gone

to great lengths to come off my meds just to have a baby, and she doesn't seem

to care about my stress level) It doesn't help that her therapist told her to

save every penny and come visit us as much as possible (she lives out of state).

She picks fights and loads on the guilt when I don't do exactly what she wants.

Recently the situation escalated when we said she couldn't come to visit in Oct,

and she blew up and canceled her upcoming trip for my son's birthday in July,

and then blamed it on me, writing me guilt letters and blaming me for the whole

situation after yelling and screaming at my husband. We decided to cut her off

for three months, with the help and support of my therapist. But now my mom is

telling everyone that I'm Borderline! I wouldn't be surprised if she joined the

support group 'parent of BP child' and is complaining to everyone in that group

right now about me. She has threatened to sue for grandparents rights in the

past when we asked her not to visit as much, and I actually think she may try to

do that. (she tried to sue her neighbors because there dogs barked, so I believe

she may try it)I have tried everything to make her happy but now I know that

nothing will EVER be enough. I have read 3 books, get therapy and medication,

but still feel sad that I may lose my relationship with my mom and dad (my dad

stands by her) I can't let her enmeshed herself with my son like she did with

me, I feel the need to protect my family. I have made up my mind to put up my

boundaries, and I stand by them, but emotionally it's still hard because I love

her and want a relationship but not at any price:-( She has agreed to see a new

therapist but I don't know what the chances are that they will see her disorder,

(the last therapist didn't) Or if there is any chance of a normal relationship,

most people by the way don't think there is anything wrong with her, she is High

Functioning and passes off for normal most the time. I guess I just want to hear

that this has happened to someone else and how they handled it, she waited her

whole life for me to have a baby " for her " (grrrrr!) and now I am denying her

" grandparent's rights " , there may be hell to pay before this is all over:-(

>

[Guest guest]

Echobabe!!!! OMG!!! That is one of the most shocking stories I have heard.

holy Shit - SHE doesn't have room in her heart? who give an eff about her

heart, its not her flipping baby!

I can TOTALLY TOTALLY see my nada doing that. If she wasn't consulted than

the baby doesn't exist. SHudder

> **

>

>

> Welcome!

>

> My mom acted like she was the only one qualified to care for a baby.

> Instead of showing my sister when she had her baby or me with my first

> child, she would simply take over. At times her focus was so intense on a

> baby that it was almost like she was trying to suck the life out of them.

> Creepy.

>

> As my parenting skills grew and I started setting boundaries, she wouldn't

> honor my requests. We eventually blew up and went NC, mainly over her not

> leaving the car seat alone and other safety related issues.

>

> However, the *worst* was when I got pregnant with my second child. She

> exploded when she found out I was pregnant again. She said " I don't have

> room in my heart for another baby. " She threatened to cut my husbands

> testicles off. As my pregnancy grew, she became increasingly depressed and

> agitated. Psychotic even. Not only that, she refused to take any interest in

> my newest baby. I was very hurt when she and dad refused to come see us in

> the hospital, especially since my son was named for my dad.

>

> She found she couldn't completely ignore my son forever, since he's quite a

> charmer, but he is clearly her least favorite. She even attributes things

> that her other grandchildren have done that made her angry to my son,

> instead of blaming the actual party.

>

> You know, I think about these things and I just get angry again. My mother

> is a monster.

>

>

> >

> > Hi I am new to this group. I need some advise from someone who has had

> some experience with a Nada who thinks they are entitled to their grandchild

> without having to respect their grown childrens' boundaries.

> > I am coming to terms with the fact my mom has High Functioning BP, she

> hasn't been diagnosed, but I am 100% sure she fits the bill. I am 36 years

> old and I have a wonderful life, husband, and beautiful 2 year old baby, but

> I suffer terrible stress because of the havoc my mom brings to my life. It's

> more complicated by the fact that I am bipolar, which I am sure was

> triggered by the emotional abuse I've suffered as a child. My mom is

> controlling and over-involved. Things were hard for me as a child and

> teenager, but got better once I left home and got away from my family. Only

> recently did things flare up with her after I had a baby, actually things

> got worse when I got pregnant and it became all about her " grandma

> experience " .(he is the only grandchild) She wants to visit every two months

> and step over every boundary I have. (I had gone to great lengths to come

> off my meds just to have a baby, and she doesn't seem to care about my

> stress level) It doesn't help that her therapist told her to save every

> penny and come visit us as much as possible (she lives out of state). She

> picks fights and loads on the guilt when I don't do exactly what she wants.

> Recently the situation escalated when we said she couldn't come to visit in

> Oct, and she blew up and canceled her upcoming trip for my son's birthday in

> July, and then blamed it on me, writing me guilt letters and blaming me for

> the whole situation after yelling and screaming at my husband. We decided to

> cut her off for three months, with the help and support of my therapist. But

> now my mom is telling everyone that I'm Borderline! I wouldn't be surprised

> if she joined the support group 'parent of BP child' and is complaining to

> everyone in that group right now about me. She has threatened to sue for

> grandparents rights in the past when we asked her not to visit as much, and

> I actually think she may try to do that. (she tried to sue her neighbors

> because there dogs barked, so I believe she may try it)I have tried

> everything to make her happy but now I know that nothing will EVER be

> enough. I have read 3 books, get therapy and medication, but still feel sad

> that I may lose my relationship with my mom and dad (my dad stands by her) I

> can't let her enmeshed herself with my son like she did with me, I feel the

> need to protect my family. I have made up my mind to put up my boundaries,

> and I stand by them, but emotionally it's still hard because I love her and

> want a relationship but not at any price:-( She has agreed to see a new

> therapist but I don't know what the chances are that they will see her

> disorder, (the last therapist didn't) Or if there is any chance of a normal

> relationship, most people by the way don't think there is anything wrong

> with her, she is High Functioning and passes off for normal most the time. I

> guess I just want to hear that this has happened to someone else and how

> they handled it, she waited her whole life for me to have a baby " for her "

> (grrrrr!) and now I am denying her " grandparent's rights " , there may be hell

> to pay before this is all over:-(

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

- Just to second what Doug is telling you (Hi, Doug!!) - My mother lies,

too. I do not take ANYTHING she says at face value without checking a second

source first, especially when it comes to health care and " what her doctors told

her. " More often than not, she is just making crap up to get my attention, and

the doctors and nurses are fully onto her. I had an understanding with her

primary care physician that the doctor would call me if it was really necessary

to drop everything and speed to her bedside, because my Mom would create health

scares to manipulate me.

> >

> > Hi I am new to this group. I need some advise from someone who has had

> some experience with a Nada who thinks they are entitled to their

> grandchild without having to respect their grown childrens' boundaries.

> > I am coming to terms with the fact my mom has High Functioning BP, she

> hasn't been diagnosed, but I am 100% sure she fits the bill. I am 36

> years old and I have a wonderful life, husband, and beautiful 2 year old

> baby, but I suffer terrible stress because of the havoc my mom brings to

> my life. It's more complicated by the fact that I am bipolar, which I am

> sure was triggered by the emotional abuse I've suffered as a child. My

> mom is controlling and over-involved. Things were hard for me as a child

> and teenager, but got better once I left home and got away from my

> family. Only recently did things flare up with her after I had a baby,

> actually things got worse when I got pregnant and it became all about

> her " grandma experience " .(he is the only grandchild) She wants to visit

> every two months and step over every boundary I have. (I had gone to

> great lengths to come off my meds just to have a baby, and she doesn't

> seem to care about my stress level) It doesn't help that her therapist

> told her to save every penny and come visit us as much as possible (she

> lives out of state). She picks fights and loads on the guilt when I

> don't do exactly what she wants. Recently the situation escalated when

> we said she couldn't come to visit in Oct, and she blew up and canceled

> her upcoming trip for my son's birthday in July, and then blamed it on

> me, writing me guilt letters and blaming me for the whole situation

> after yelling and screaming at my husband. We decided to cut her off for

> three months, with the help and support of my therapist. But now my mom

> is telling everyone that I'm Borderline! I wouldn't be surprised if she

> joined the support group 'parent of BP child' and is complaining to

> everyone in that group right now about me. She has threatened to sue for

> grandparents rights in the past when we asked her not to visit as much,

> and I actually think she may try to do that. (she tried to sue her

> neighbors because there dogs barked, so I believe she may try it)I have

> tried everything to make her happy but now I know that nothing will EVER

> be enough. I have read 3 books, get therapy and medication, but still

> feel sad that I may lose my relationship with my mom and dad (my dad

> stands by her) I can't let her enmeshed herself with my son like she did

> with me, I feel the need to protect my family. I have made up my mind to

> put up my boundaries, and I stand by them, but emotionally it's still

> hard because I love her and want a relationship but not at any price:-(

> She has agreed to see a new therapist but I don't know what the chances

> are that they will see her disorder, (the last therapist didn't) Or if

> there is any chance of a normal relationship, most people by the way

> don't think there is anything wrong with her, she is High Functioning

> and passes off for normal most the time. I guess I just want to hear

> that this has happened to someone else and how they handled it, she

> waited her whole life for me to have a baby " for her " (grrrrr!) and now

> I am denying her " grandparent's rights " , there may be hell to pay before

> this is all over:-(

> >

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Doug--That comment struck me too as a 'nada spin'.--ChhC

>

> You write

> >

> > It doesn't help that her therapist told her to save every penny and come

> > visit us as much as possible

> >