Mothers with BPD.

[Guest guest]

Well, I'm going to start this off by introducing myself. I'm Angie, I'm 18 and

my mother has BPD. Go figure.

I've known for quite a few years that my mother has BPD, but never knew until

recently the severity of her diagnosis. How could my mom, my best friend

manipulate and control my sister and I without us even knowing? We've never

imagined life without our mother, we knew she'd always be ther for us, now we

know its we'd always be there for her.

To be completely honest, I don't know what to do. I'm starved for love and

attention, just like my mother and I'm having a hard time coping. I don't want

to have to cut ties, but sometimes I think its the best option. She'll continue

to reel us in with her lies and her " I'm ok, I'm happy now " attitude.

Having lived with my mother for almost all of my life, I (along with my sister)

have learned behaviors picked up in my childhood that are similar to those of my

mother's. I.E. Self Worthlessness, no sense of identity, looking to others on

how to act in certain situations, dissociation, lack of feeling and expressing

emotions, etc.

I've been focusing on loving myself and not feeling worthless and not stressing,

but I feel as though I need some outside advice. I want to feel like this isn't

me or that it isn't my fault and that this is just the way I was conditioned.

But how? How do I become more open hearted, open minded, fearless, carefree,

confident?

A lot of the time there isn't much going through my head. Having a conversation

with someone I don't know or have never met becomes scary. Holding a

conversation can be hard too. Its like I have some kind of mental block and my

brain won't let me think of anything witty, intellegent, or wise to say back to

that person. It is like having no sense of reality or rationalization. My memory

has gone to crap, I don't get sound sleep anymore, i'm constanly afraid of what

people are thinking about me etc.

I don't know what to do and this is the first time I've really tried talking to

someone about how I really feel. Whenever I've dipped into the subject with

family or friends, they all tell me the same thing, don't care about what others

think of you, you're great, everyone goes through this, but I think its deeper

than that. You can't change the way someone functions, thinks, or lives over

night. Its taken them years to become who they are now, its not going to change

in an instant. And I do know that. Everyday does get a little better. But how do

I be carefree goofy,silly, quick witted angelina again? And not just around

family and friends, but everyone?

I can't even write this message without thiking that I just want attention and

sympathy. I don't think thats it. I want someone to understand. To care. To

stand by me and tell me this is just temporary. To hug. I just want some help.

Advice? Please and Thank Yous.

-Angelina

P.s. I know my writing style is a little jumpy and goes from one subject to the

next without a smooth transition. Sorry!