Guest guest Posted March 7, 2012 Report Share Posted March 7, 2012 Has anyone else every had fear of posting to this group thinking that it will get back somehow to your NADA? Somehow that is what stays my hand from really posting my feelings to this group. My realization of what I have lived through has just come recently. Somehow I have always known that my relationship with my mom has been very odd, and I have had several friends say to me " You know this isn't normal don't you? " I have oscillated between carrying so much crushing guilt over our relationship and a desire to fix her to getting so mad at the inability to win an argument because of all the emotional blackmail that I resort to saying things that I know will trigger her just to get her freaked out and riled up. (the latter happening only when I am so fed up I can't take it anymore.) I guess I know that she is getting close to the time of splitting, so I subconsciously decide to help her along. Very strange. The times when I am NC with her are the most happy and productive that I have. I have so many friends that are like family and a wonderful supportive wife (who can't stand Nada) and 2 beautiful kids. I am at the point where I wish we would just be NC forever and I could get on with my life. The only regret I have with that is my Dad who really loves his grandkids, but is really just a shell of a man now having been emotionally emasculated for years. I guess I want him to have some happiness, but I also have little respect in him for never standing up to her like I have, especially when it means another separation from his family. He has however grown to believe everything she says, and has plunged himself into the same paranoia and anger she has. I guess most of the guilt I have comes from both intensely loving and loathing the two people who gave you life, paid your way through life, suffered for your mistakes which I admit to have making (If you wanted a list of every single mistake I have ever made you could ask my Nada who probably has them cataloged alphabetically or by date). How can I feel such anger and really negative feelings toward my own Mother? Am I really that ungrateful? She was a victim of horrible abuse as a child both emotional and sexual by her own BP mother. She suffered more horrible things than anyone should. 3 of the 5 women I have been intimate with in my life have been victims of sexual abuse by a family member. I didn't know that going into the relationships, but only found out during. One ended up being BP herself. I don't know how I ended up with my wife who doesn't need to be " fixed " by me and who is not an emotional vacuum. Sometimes its hard to realize that her lack of " neediness " is a blessing, because it feels like she is distant. However I realize it is just NORMAL and not CRAZY! I have ended up in a great place, but still have a lot to work through. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 8, 2012 Report Share Posted March 8, 2012 Welcome, welcome. The fear of our feelings being exposed to nada seems to haunt us. We want to tell her exactly how we feel but worry about the blow up. I have dreams where I really tell her off but in reality, just coping with her usual manipulative behavior gives me diarrhea. LOL Obviously I'm only strong in my dreams. I want to share with her doctors what her behavior is like outside the office but I'm scared to death they'll tell her. She's charming to them during those 15 - 30 minutes but in real life, she's a _______ (you can fill in the blank.) As far as I know, we are free to express ourselves here safely. I don't tell anyone (except my husband who completely understands what she is like) that I visit this forum. I have the added comfort of knowing nada has no clue how to use a computer. Best of all, everyone here knows exactly how it feels to have a BPD parent. It's scary, it's ugly and it's exhausting. What a joy and blessing to have your wife who doesn't drain you dry. She can be a true partner in your life, encouraging you when you need it but also able to stand on her own two feet and let you make your own choices. We all need help now and then but no one should be the sole energy source for another person. I hope you find this forum as helpful as I have. > > Has anyone else every had fear of posting to this group thinking that it will get back somehow to your NADA? Somehow that is what stays my hand from really posting my feelings to this group. My realization of what I have lived through has just come recently. Somehow I have always known that my relationship with my mom has been very odd, and I have had several friends say to me " You know this isn't normal don't you? " I have oscillated between carrying so much crushing guilt over our relationship and a desire to fix her to getting so mad at the inability to win an argument because of all the emotional blackmail that I resort to saying things that I know will trigger her just to get her freaked out and riled up. (the latter happening only when I am so fed up I can't take it anymore.) I guess I know that she is getting close to the time of splitting, so I subconsciously decide to help her along. Very strange. The times when I am NC with her are the most happy and productive that I have. I have so many friends that are like family and a wonderful supportive wife (who can't stand Nada) and 2 beautiful kids. I am at the point where I wish we would just be NC forever and I could get on with my life. The only regret I have with that is my Dad who really loves his grandkids, but is really just a shell of a man now having been emotionally emasculated for years. I guess I want him to have some happiness, but I also have little respect in him for never standing up to her like I have, especially when it means another separation from his family. He has however grown to believe everything she says, and has plunged himself into the same paranoia and anger she has. > > I guess most of the guilt I have comes from both intensely loving and loathing the two people who gave you life, paid your way through life, suffered for your mistakes which I admit to have making (If you wanted a list of every single mistake I have ever made you could ask my Nada who probably has them cataloged alphabetically or by date). How can I feel such anger and really negative feelings toward my own Mother? Am I really that ungrateful? > > She was a victim of horrible abuse as a child both emotional and sexual by her own BP mother. She suffered more horrible things than anyone should. 3 of the 5 women I have been intimate with in my life have been victims of sexual abuse by a family member. I didn't know that going into the relationships, but only found out during. One ended up being BP herself. I don't know how I ended up with my wife who doesn't need to be " fixed " by me and who is not an emotional vacuum. Sometimes its hard to realize that her lack of " neediness " is a blessing, because it feels like she is distant. However I realize it is just NORMAL and not CRAZY! I have ended up in a great place, but still have a lot to work through. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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