Soothing Anxiety Techniques

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone,

I have been dealing with some very extreme anxiety this week. I think it is

PTSD related. I am in a situation where I have an ex-, and I'm not truly sure

how dangerous they are, but I know that *I fear them sincerely...and I also know

that nada adores this ex, her only 'son', who she considered 'hers'. And that,

any will of mine will be specifically and gleefully overcome by them. As a

result, in honest fear for my safety, I have not been around my foo home for

years--because I am certain, truly certain, that nada will inform this ex of my

whereabouts, just to prove that *she controls my limbs, not me, and that *she is

the one he 'loves', not me. She has no concept--or, rather, no concern--for my

actual physical safety.

It's a pretty extreme situation but I've been doing well and have not thought of

it for some time. But now in my personal life a situation has come up that has

re-triggered it all, and made me feel vulnerable to FOO again. Digging around

online, I found some articles about managing PTSD anxiety. One common approach

seems to be to tell yourself, this isn't real--to try to SUPRESS the thoughts.

Well, maybe I have a different version of PTSD, but this to me is exactly the

OPPOSITE of what I need. When I am scared of something, it means that there is

a real threat out there. What I am calling a trigger now, I actually mean that

something new is happening that brings up the old threats again--but the threats

are very real. It's just that my emotional response to them, because of the

extreme trauma I've been through, is so very uncomfortable that it's causing

some problems for me.

But--I am specifically wondering, with this post, if anyone can relate to the

idea that for some of us, quelling anxiety is NOT about telling ourselves we're

'crazy' and perceiving something that's not there, but instead, just the

opposite? Figuring out what hidden thing is out there that we DO fear, and

becoming safe from it? That's what I need, I know. Maybe I'll take some

self-defense classes..

Charlie

[Guest guest]

Hi Charlotte,

If your foo and your ex-husband threatened you with harm in the past, and then

they stopped, but some recent incident or communication has made you believe

that they are now beginning another round of threats against you, then yes, that

is a real and present danger and you need to protect yourself.

My suggestion is that you consider consulting with a lawyer to discuss getting

restraining orders taken out against one or both of them.

I myself have experienced harassment and stalking by a former friend (who has

narcissistic pd. Surprise, surprise: most obsessive stalkers have some mental

illness or other) who wanted to " get back " at me for a perceived betrayal, and

this harassment and stalking stopped and resumed, stopped and resumed, for about

3 years. Even though this individual only stalked and harassed me via the

Internet, I found it very upsetting and stressful. But its got to be

exponentially more stressful if you have people stalking and harassing you who

have physical access to you.

So, sure, yes, take a martial arts class. But I think consulting with a lawyer

would be a wise move as well. Sometimes bullies are very cowardly and if a

registered cease-and-desist letter is delivered to them on the letterhead of a

law firm, it will be sufficiently intimidating in and of itself to make them

leave you alone.

Meanwhile, start carefully documenting any and all instances of stalking,

surveilling and harassment that you experience. Keep any letters they send you

as evidence and any voice-mails, especially the ones that contain threats. If

you're being followed, try to avoid going out alone; bring a friend with you

whenever possible. Keep a log, blog or diary and note the day/date/times you

notice your ex or your nada following you in their cars or surveilling your

home. Ask neighbors if they are or have been contacted by your mother or your

ex. Just make it a habit to collect evidence; that will help you/your lawyer

obtain restraining orders.

Stay safe; I hope all their threats are empty and that they will leave you

alone.

-Annie

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> I have been dealing with some very extreme anxiety this week. I think it is

PTSD related. I am in a situation where I have an ex-, and I'm not truly sure

how dangerous they are, but I know that *I fear them sincerely...and I also know

that nada adores this ex, her only 'son', who she considered 'hers'. And that,

any will of mine will be specifically and gleefully overcome by them. As a

result, in honest fear for my safety, I have not been around my foo home for

years--because I am certain, truly certain, that nada will inform this ex of my

whereabouts, just to prove that *she controls my limbs, not me, and that *she is

the one he 'loves', not me. She has no concept--or, rather, no concern--for my

actual physical safety.

>

> It's a pretty extreme situation but I've been doing well and have not thought

of it for some time. But now in my personal life a situation has come up that

has re-triggered it all, and made me feel vulnerable to FOO again. Digging

around online, I found some articles about managing PTSD anxiety. One common

approach seems to be to tell yourself, this isn't real--to try to SUPRESS the

thoughts.

>

> Well, maybe I have a different version of PTSD, but this to me is exactly the

OPPOSITE of what I need. When I am scared of something, it means that there is

a real threat out there. What I am calling a trigger now, I actually mean that

something new is happening that brings up the old threats again--but the threats

are very real. It's just that my emotional response to them, because of the

extreme trauma I've been through, is so very uncomfortable that it's causing

some problems for me.

>

> But--I am specifically wondering, with this post, if anyone can relate to the

idea that for some of us, quelling anxiety is NOT about telling ourselves we're

'crazy' and perceiving something that's not there, but instead, just the

opposite? Figuring out what hidden thing is out there that we DO fear, and

becoming safe from it? That's what I need, I know. Maybe I'll take some

self-defense classes..

>

> Charlie

>

[Guest guest]

Hi, Charlie. I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. I can completely

relate to the PTSD stuff.

I think when you read about trying to ignore the trigger, that's more in

response to a person whose trigger is not really related to the original

stressor. To call to mind the classical PTSD example everyone is familiar with,

the war vet who falls to the ground when he hears a car backfire, as if he is

hearing gunfire. In that case, the car is not a gun, it does not pose a threat,

the soldier is no longer on the battlefield, and the response that at one time

might have saved his life is now interfering with his life.

In your case, though, it's more like a re-exposure to the original stressor. The

response you learned from your original stressor (your mother) is really going

to help you here, because you are seeing that the situation feels *the same.* In

this case, a better example would be a bank teller who felt traumatized when a

robber pointed a gun at her head. If at some later date, she sees someone in a

bank pull out a gun, she is going to be even more acutely aware of the danger.

If she said to herself, " Hey, this isn't the robber who held me at gunpoint the

first time. I don't know what his motives are. Maybe it's one of those toy

waterguns, let me just stand here and pretend everything's just fine until I

know differently, " that would just be stupid. Her first experience is going to

help her the second time, because she will not waste time in protecting herself.

I think that's what happens with us KOs when we encounter dangerous people, and

people who do not respect our needs and boundaries. We are not being irrational

when we trust our gut about them, we are being smart. We are using the

information we have to make informed decisions about whether to trust them. In

your case, you don't trust your ex, and you see that he is like your mother.

It's not wrong to protect yourself from either of them by staying away. Keep

giving yourself the space you need to be safe.

Sveta

[Guest guest]

Dear Annie and Svetka,

I want to thank you both very much for these replies, and update you (and

everyone). I have found the 'danger' I was having trouble perceiving. It is

despairingly common and predictable, but I'll share it anyway, because I think

it helps stress the importance of learning to TRUST what we are perceiving, as

KOs. It is the opposite of what we've been taught by our nadas. Our danger

meters are manipulated and discounted; and, like you say Svetka, they may also

be hyper-sensitive, which is a GOOD thing!

Annie, I was struck by how seriously you took my post. I didn't realize how

truly upset I was. And Svetka, you helped me to frame and articulate what I was

experiencing, to a T. Unfortunately what was happening, depressing as it is, it

that I had started seeing a new guy, and he has turned out to be a domestic

abuser. He has been kind enough to give me all of the warning signs (which they

DO, if you know them), but before I had processed this consciously, I was a

nervous wreck. I was having a 10 day, mild, panic attack with accompanying

insomnia. I couldn't work or do much of anthing emotionally difficult. The

poor dog was barking 24/7...

I have been so taught not to BELIEVE what I'm feeling, that it really took my

awhile to catch on. This guy was making me feel exactly like my violent

ex-husband did--and I mean, EXACTLY--and, I was blaming myself. 'What's wrong

with me, I have PTSD, I am triggered...' This, is what the child of a nada will

do, because we have been trained and conditioned to do this. To fail to believe

our own perception of danger. Although my context is domestic abuse and

violence, I think that ANY dangerous context or situation runs the risk of being

not recognized by KOs because of this.

In my case, my mind lagged behind in comprehending what my body had been telling

me--this guy is an abuser. He may not be violent (though he may be, because he

talks about guns and revenge and his fights and his army days)...but he

definitely is verbally abusive and controlling, fitting perfectly the 'Why Does

He Do That' (Lundy Bancroft, author) portrait of the mindset and modus operandi

of a domestic abuser.

I am 'hyper-sensitive' to it in the sense that it's happened to me already,

under life and death type circumstances, so that, when it happens to me now, I

do experience the emotional reaction a little more intensely than someone else

would, and have trouble regulating that. This is what Svetka SO usefully helped

me to frame and articulate. BUT that's not necessarily a bad thing. I caught

this early on--very early on, like, the first time he 'punished' me, after just

a tiny handful of dates. It will be easy and probably pretty safe to

disentangle myself--he's not invested in me as property at this point, and can

easily move on to someone else. (I hope. We'll see.)

Sometimes I think the best recovery we can effect as KOs, is, trust and believe

yourself--what feels good DOES feel good, bad, DOES feel bad; pain means

something is wrong; happiness means you are safe; if you sense danger or injury,

someone HAS indeed harmed you. Nadas and society spend decades trying to force

us to be blind to this. If I was, I might not even be alive today; or I might

be full course down the road, to another abusive and debilitating relationship

with a world-class chauvinist. Whew! Thanks, guys!!

Charlotte

>

> Hi, Charlie. I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. I can completely

relate to the PTSD stuff.

>

> I think when you read about trying to ignore the trigger, that's more in

response to a person whose trigger is not really related to the original

stressor. To call to mind the classical PTSD example everyone is familiar with,

the war vet who falls to the ground when he hears a car backfire, as if he is

hearing gunfire. In that case, the car is not a gun, it does not pose a threat,

the soldier is no longer on the battlefield, and the response that at one time

might have saved his life is now interfering with his life.

>

> In your case, though, it's more like a re-exposure to the original stressor.

The response you learned from your original stressor (your mother) is really

going to help you here, because you are seeing that the situation feels *the

same.* In this case, a better example would be a bank teller who felt

traumatized when a robber pointed a gun at her head. If at some later date, she

sees someone in a bank pull out a gun, she is going to be even more acutely

aware of the danger. If she said to herself, " Hey, this isn't the robber who

held me at gunpoint the first time. I don't know what his motives are. Maybe

it's one of those toy waterguns, let me just stand here and pretend everything's

just fine until I know differently, " that would just be stupid. Her first

experience is going to help her the second time, because she will not waste time

in protecting herself.

>

> I think that's what happens with us KOs when we encounter dangerous people,

and people who do not respect our needs and boundaries. We are not being

irrational when we trust our gut about them, we are being smart. We are using

the information we have to make informed decisions about whether to trust them.

In your case, you don't trust your ex, and you see that he is like your mother.

It's not wrong to protect yourself from either of them by staying away. Keep

giving yourself the space you need to be safe.

>

> Sveta

>

[Guest guest]

I'm so sorry you had to go through that! And proud that you had the info you

needed to see it and skills to get out!

On Mon, Aug 1, 2011 at 11:59 AM, charlottehoneychurch <

charlottehoneychurch@...> wrote:

> **

>

>

> Dear Annie and Svetka,

>

> I want to thank you both very much for these replies, and update you (and

> everyone). I have found the 'danger' I was having trouble perceiving. It is

> despairingly common and predictable, but I'll share it anyway, because I

> think it helps stress the importance of learning to TRUST what we are

> perceiving, as KOs. It is the opposite of what we've been taught by our

> nadas. Our danger meters are manipulated and discounted; and, like you say

> Svetka, they may also be hyper-sensitive, which is a GOOD thing!

>

> Annie, I was struck by how seriously you took my post. I didn't realize how

> truly upset I was. And Svetka, you helped me to frame and articulate what I

> was experiencing, to a T. Unfortunately what was happening, depressing as it

> is, it that I had started seeing a new guy, and he has turned out to be a

> domestic abuser. He has been kind enough to give me all of the warning signs

> (which they DO, if you know them), but before I had processed this

> consciously, I was a nervous wreck. I was having a 10 day, mild, panic

> attack with accompanying insomnia. I couldn't work or do much of anthing

> emotionally difficult. The poor dog was barking 24/7...

>

> I have been so taught not to BELIEVE what I'm feeling, that it really took

> my awhile to catch on. This guy was making me feel exactly like my violent

> ex-husband did--and I mean, EXACTLY--and, I was blaming myself. 'What's

> wrong with me, I have PTSD, I am triggered...' This, is what the child of a

> nada will do, because we have been trained and conditioned to do this. To

> fail to believe our own perception of danger. Although my context is

> domestic abuse and violence, I think that ANY dangerous context or situation

> runs the risk of being not recognized by KOs because of this.

>

> In my case, my mind lagged behind in comprehending what my body had been

> telling me--this guy is an abuser. He may not be violent (though he may be,

> because he talks about guns and revenge and his fights and his army

> days)...but he definitely is verbally abusive and controlling, fitting

> perfectly the 'Why Does He Do That' (Lundy Bancroft, author) portrait of the

> mindset and modus operandi of a domestic abuser.

>

> I am 'hyper-sensitive' to it in the sense that it's happened to me already,

> under life and death type circumstances, so that, when it happens to me now,

> I do experience the emotional reaction a little more intensely than someone

> else would, and have trouble regulating that. This is what Svetka SO

> usefully helped me to frame and articulate. BUT that's not necessarily a bad

> thing. I caught this early on--very early on, like, the first time he

> 'punished' me, after just a tiny handful of dates. It will be easy and

> probably pretty safe to disentangle myself--he's not invested in me as

> property at this point, and can easily move on to someone else. (I hope.

> We'll see.)

>

> Sometimes I think the best recovery we can effect as KOs, is, trust and

> believe yourself--what feels good DOES feel good, bad, DOES feel bad; pain

> means something is wrong; happiness means you are safe; if you sense danger

> or injury, someone HAS indeed harmed you. Nadas and society spend decades

> trying to force us to be blind to this. If I was, I might not even be alive

> today; or I might be full course down the road, to another abusive and

> debilitating relationship with a world-class chauvinist. Whew! Thanks,

> guys!!

>

> Charlotte

>

>

> >

> > Hi, Charlie. I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. I can

> completely relate to the PTSD stuff.

> >

> > I think when you read about trying to ignore the trigger, that's more in

> response to a person whose trigger is not really related to the original

> stressor. To call to mind the classical PTSD example everyone is familiar

> with, the war vet who falls to the ground when he hears a car backfire, as

> if he is hearing gunfire. In that case, the car is not a gun, it does not

> pose a threat, the soldier is no longer on the battlefield, and the response

> that at one time might have saved his life is now interfering with his life.

> >

> > In your case, though, it's more like a re-exposure to the original

> stressor. The response you learned from your original stressor (your mother)

> is really going to help you here, because you are seeing that the situation

> feels *the same.* In this case, a better example would be a bank teller who

> felt traumatized when a robber pointed a gun at her head. If at some later

> date, she sees someone in a bank pull out a gun, she is going to be even

> more acutely aware of the danger. If she said to herself, " Hey, this isn't

> the robber who held me at gunpoint the first time. I don't know what his

> motives are. Maybe it's one of those toy waterguns, let me just stand here

> and pretend everything's just fine until I know differently, " that would

> just be stupid. Her first experience is going to help her the second time,

> because she will not waste time in protecting herself.

> >

> > I think that's what happens with us KOs when we encounter dangerous

> people, and people who do not respect our needs and boundaries. We are not

> being irrational when we trust our gut about them, we are being smart. We

> are using the information we have to make informed decisions about whether

> to trust them. In your case, you don't trust your ex, and you see that he is

> like your mother. It's not wrong to protect yourself from either of them by

> staying away. Keep giving yourself the space you need to be safe.

> >

> > Sveta

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you so so much GC! I am still processing it now. Writing it all out to a

friend. This is very disheartening, because I am older now and feel like nada's

main abuse line is true: that I somehow don't 'deserve' romance and it will

never happen for me. It sucks.

> > >

> > > Hi, Charlie. I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. I can

> > completely relate to the PTSD stuff.

> > >

> > > I think when you read about trying to ignore the trigger, that's more in

> > response to a person whose trigger is not really related to the original

> > stressor. To call to mind the classical PTSD example everyone is familiar

> > with, the war vet who falls to the ground when he hears a car backfire, as

> > if he is hearing gunfire. In that case, the car is not a gun, it does not

> > pose a threat, the soldier is no longer on the battlefield, and the response

> > that at one time might have saved his life is now interfering with his life.

> > >

> > > In your case, though, it's more like a re-exposure to the original

> > stressor. The response you learned from your original stressor (your mother)

> > is really going to help you here, because you are seeing that the situation

> > feels *the same.* In this case, a better example would be a bank teller who

> > felt traumatized when a robber pointed a gun at her head. If at some later

> > date, she sees someone in a bank pull out a gun, she is going to be even

> > more acutely aware of the danger. If she said to herself, " Hey, this isn't

> > the robber who held me at gunpoint the first time. I don't know what his

> > motives are. Maybe it's one of those toy waterguns, let me just stand here

> > and pretend everything's just fine until I know differently, " that would

> > just be stupid. Her first experience is going to help her the second time,

> > because she will not waste time in protecting herself.

> > >

> > > I think that's what happens with us KOs when we encounter dangerous

> > people, and people who do not respect our needs and boundaries. We are not

> > being irrational when we trust our gut about them, we are being smart. We

> > are using the information we have to make informed decisions about whether

> > to trust them. In your case, you don't trust your ex, and you see that he is

> > like your mother. It's not wrong to protect yourself from either of them by

> > staying away. Keep giving yourself the space you need to be safe.

> > >

> > > Sveta

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

> Sometimes I think the best recovery we can effect as KOs, is, trust and

believe yourself--what feels good DOES feel good, bad, DOES feel bad; pain means

something is wrong; happiness means you are safe; if you sense danger or injury,

someone HAS indeed harmed you. Nadas and society spend decades trying to force

us to be blind to this. If I was, I might not even be alive today; or I might

be full course down the road, to another abusive and debilitating relationship

with a world-class chauvinist. Whew! Thanks, guys!!

>

> Charlotte

I'm SO glad you were able to put 2 & 2 together! Good job! I think you're exactly

right, we're trained by our nadas to second-guess our instincts and put them

aside for the sake of not offending someone else. I'm so happy to hear that

you're giving yourself credit and feeling the freedom to just walk away! In the

future, you have this experience to add to your knowledge and will see

boundary-violators even sooner =)

Good work, Charlotte.