old tricks

March 8, 2012

Working with a uBPD boss, I am remembering a lot of things I was hoping to leave

forgotten from my childhood with my uBPD nada. Anyone else familiar with this

trick?

After awhile of being off in their own world (days, weeks, months, years), the

BPD shows up again, in actual reality, and starts taking care of things. For

awhile, they are present and cleaning up the mess they'd made of things. It's

great, but there are troubling moments--you do tend to get the blame for letting

things get so bad, and you're shamed into thinking the mess is because of some

fatal and intractable flaw in you.

While they're there, it's amazing. It's like when an Alzheimer's patient is

suddenly lucid. You have a parent again. For me, as a kid, it was bliss to

finally--FINALLY--have a mother.

But as mysteriously and as suddenly as they appeared, they're gone. Back in

their sad reality, they can no longer connect with you, and things once again

fall to chaos and madness.

My boss showed up last night, for real. It was strange. He took care of his mess

and told me about a huge amount of overstock in my department (Really? The same

one I told you about a month ago, and 3 months before that?). It was nice to see

him taking charge again, even if I got the blame for the mess. The worst part

was remembering how this would happen when I was kid, before I could understand

anything about what was happening to me. I would be an emotional orphan, and

then I wasn't. I had a mother who was there and who made sense and who took care

of the chaos. And then, without a hint that anything could possibly go wrong,

the bottom would fall out again. I would lose everything I wanted, just like

that. She'd be gone again.

I don't really care about what happens with my boss. He'll disappear again at

any time, whatever. But it breaks my heart to think of that little girl who lost

her mother over and over and over. She was so lost and confused. None of it made

any sense to her. I wish there was some way I could really go back in time and

comfort her, or better yet, snatch her up and take her somewhere safe.

I know that life isn't fair, everyone has pain and struggles and all that, but

sometimes doesn't it seem like life is especially unfair to KOs?

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