Guest guest Posted March 8, 2012 Report Share Posted March 8, 2012 Hello all, I was recently directed the the book SWOE by a good friend and am excited to have a place to vent a little and look for feedback. My wife's mom in this instant is the BPD and has spent the better part of the last 7 years singling she or I out in her rage. Has anyone here seen that situation, where a BPD parent focuses the angst, rage, emotional abuse solely on one child? I know that to a degree the other siblings just go with it and do not ever step out of line with her desires for them... My wife and I started our distancing process from her mom when our first daughter was born 6 years ago. Many things are coming to a head now and it is difficult for my wife to find self confidence after decades of emotional abuse. thanks, JW Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 8, 2012 Report Share Posted March 8, 2012 I am in your situation, the one in my family singled out for nada's rage and abuse. My brother is golden and he started raging on me about 5 years ago when I first started to stand up for myself against the FOO. Started LC 5 years ago (shortly after brothers first rage attack), NC 6 months and wish I'd done it sooner. Lots of emotional healing to do, but the process is going much faster w/o interaction w/ nada. Best wishes to you! > > Hello all, > > I was recently directed the the book SWOE by a good friend and am excited to have a place to vent a little and look for feedback. My wife's mom in this instant is the BPD and has spent the better part of the last 7 years singling she or I out in her rage. Has anyone here seen that situation, where a BPD parent focuses the angst, rage, emotional abuse solely on one child? I know that to a degree the other siblings just go with it and do not ever step out of line with her desires for them... My wife and I started our distancing process from her mom when our first daughter was born 6 years ago. Many things are coming to a head now and it is difficult for my wife to find self confidence after decades of emotional abuse. > > thanks, > JW > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 8, 2012 Report Share Posted March 8, 2012 Welcome! I actually have a stepmother, and her kids were absolutely perfect, and my brother and I were always the ones that were " bad " . I have been no contact for several years now, and am dealing with the aftermath of my emotions. I don't post a lot, but I do read. Janet  Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.  Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.  It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones. Proverbs 3:5-8 To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Thursday, March 8, 2012 1:37 PM Subject: new here  Hello all, I was recently directed the the book SWOE by a good friend and am excited to have a place to vent a little and look for feedback. My wife's mom in this instant is the BPD and has spent the better part of the last 7 years singling she or I out in her rage. Has anyone here seen that situation, where a BPD parent focuses the angst, rage, emotional abuse solely on one child? I know that to a degree the other siblings just go with it and do not ever step out of line with her desires for them... My wife and I started our distancing process from her mom when our first daughter was born 6 years ago. Many things are coming to a head now and it is difficult for my wife to find self confidence after decades of emotional abuse. thanks, JW Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 9, 2012 Report Share Posted March 9, 2012 JW, I can understand your situation. I had a difficult time with my brother who would always silence me when I tried to stand up for myself against abusive behavior from my nada . Very difficult.  Recently, after a stressful move to another state she stated bombarding me with phone calls.  After an explosive argument, I went no contact...it's been GREAT!  It was hard over the holidays and Mother's day and a recent birthday. I had to explain to my brother I was celebrating all the loving relationships I had with women in my life that day - an that did not include my " mother. " Unfortunately, people in your family will not get it, the way you do and you just have to take the high road. They have spend their whole lives with this person and they will not see it as anything other than, " that's just the way she is " or as my uncle ways " in one ear, out the other. " When you are the target of abuse...it IS possible to just shut it down.Shine it on. Good luck!  dw ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Thursday, March 8, 2012 6:09 PM Subject: Re: new here  I am in your situation, the one in my family singled out for nada's rage and abuse. My brother is golden and he started raging on me about 5 years ago when I first started to stand up for myself against the FOO. Started LC 5 years ago (shortly after brothers first rage attack), NC 6 months and wish I'd done it sooner. Lots of emotional healing to do, but the process is going much faster w/o interaction w/ nada. Best wishes to you! > > Hello all, > > I was recently directed the the book SWOE by a good friend and am excited to have a place to vent a little and look for feedback. My wife's mom in this instant is the BPD and has spent the better part of the last 7 years singling she or I out in her rage. Has anyone here seen that situation, where a BPD parent focuses the angst, rage, emotional abuse solely on one child? I know that to a degree the other siblings just go with it and do not ever step out of line with her desires for them... My wife and I started our distancing process from her mom when our first daughter was born 6 years ago. Many things are coming to a head now and it is difficult for my wife to find self confidence after decades of emotional abuse. > > thanks, > JW > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 9, 2012 Report Share Posted March 9, 2012 Thanks, I think that my mother-in-law is focusing on my wife in particular because my wife expects more from her. She doesn't tolerate the nonsense, the outbursts, the irrational anger. My MIL is ok with the other kids because they just " tow the party line " so to speak. However, none of the have children yet either. I'm not saying that the other kids don't get some of the treatment as well, just not nearly to the degree and amount my wife does. Recently my MIL tried to corner me to talk about our personal relationship and i just told her no. I am done talking about it. She became very angry and started hurling insults. Insisting that I just didn't want to make things better which is obviously code for " do things my way " . My poor FIL tried to stand up for us recently but was utterly destroyed my his wife. I advised my wife that although he sees our point of view today, she cannot expect that to persist. He will eventually circle back to her side after 30+ years of coping mechanisms built into the marriage. It is hard for my wife, as any child should be able to look to a mother for support, counsel, and love, those expectations are reasonable. It is only in this instant where, due to things outside of her and outside her control, those expectations are not realistic. Adjusting to the reality of her situation is difficult. Any advice on how to help her with this? She is a loving person with many wonderful attributes. JW > ** > > > Welcome! I actually have a stepmother, and her kids were absolutely > perfect, and my brother and I were always the ones that were " bad " . I have > been no contact for several years now, and am dealing with the aftermath of > my emotions. I don't post a lot, but I do read. > Janet > > Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own > understanding. > In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. > Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil. > It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones. > Proverbs 3:5-8 > > > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Sent: Thursday, March 8, 2012 1:37 PM > Subject: new here > > > > Hello all, > > I was recently directed the the book SWOE by a good friend and am excited > to have a place to vent a little and look for feedback. My wife's mom in > this instant is the BPD and has spent the better part of the last 7 years > singling she or I out in her rage. Has anyone here seen that situation, > where a BPD parent focuses the angst, rage, emotional abuse solely on one > child? I know that to a degree the other siblings just go with it and do > not ever step out of line with her desires for them... My wife and I > started our distancing process from her mom when our first daughter was > born 6 years ago. Many things are coming to a head now and it is difficult > for my wife to find self confidence after decades of emotional abuse. > > thanks, > JW > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 9, 2012 Report Share Posted March 9, 2012 Thanks DW. You are absolutely right! The other siblings see something is amiss at times, but have no real sense of the scope or magnitude of the problem! JW > ** > > > > > JW, > I can understand your situation. I had a difficult time with my brother > who would always silence me when I tried to stand up for myself against > abusive behavior from my nada . Very difficult. Recently, after a > stressful move to another state she stated bombarding me with phone calls. > After an explosive argument, I went no contact...it's been GREAT! It was > hard over the holidays and Mother's day and a recent birthday. I had to > explain to my brother I was celebrating all the loving relationships I had > with women in my life that day - an that did not include my > " mother. " Unfortunately, people in your family will not get it, the way you > do and you just have to take the high road. They have spend their whole > lives with this person and they will not see it as anything other than, > " that's just the way she is " or as my uncle ways " in one ear, out the > other. " When you are the target of abuse...it IS possible to just shut it > down.Shine it on. Good luck! dw > > ________________________________ > > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Sent: Thursday, March 8, 2012 6:09 PM > Subject: Re: new here > > > > > I am in your situation, the one in my family singled out for nada's rage > and abuse. My brother is golden and he started raging on me about 5 years > ago when I first started to stand up for myself against the FOO. Started LC > 5 years ago (shortly after brothers first rage attack), NC 6 months and > wish I'd done it sooner. Lots of emotional healing to do, but the process > is going much faster w/o interaction w/ nada. > > Best wishes to you! > > > > > > > > Hello all, > > > > I was recently directed the the book SWOE by a good friend and am > excited to have a place to vent a little and look for feedback. My wife's > mom in this instant is the BPD and has spent the better part of the last 7 > years singling she or I out in her rage. Has anyone here seen that > situation, where a BPD parent focuses the angst, rage, emotional abuse > solely on one child? I know that to a degree the other siblings just go > with it and do not ever step out of line with her desires for them... My > wife and I started our distancing process from her mom when our first > daughter was born 6 years ago. Many things are coming to a head now and it > is difficult for my wife to find self confidence after decades of emotional > abuse. > > > > thanks, > > JW > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 9, 2012 Report Share Posted March 9, 2012 JW, If getting therapy is an option, esp. if you can find one that specialize in adult children of BPD's, that would be a good thing. Continuing to be supportive and validating to your wife is great, but sometimes it is good to get the input from a professional. I hope your wife is reading and educating herself as you seem to be. I know it has helped me considerably detatch from the attacks and not let it injure me as deeply. That is not to say that I don't still get hurt, but I feel like I get past it easier. C > > > ** > > > > > > Welcome! I actually have a stepmother, and her kids were absolutely > > perfect, and my brother and I were always the ones that were " bad " . I have > > been no contact for several years now, and am dealing with the aftermath of > > my emotions. I don't post a lot, but I do read. > > Janet > > > > Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own > > understanding. > > In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. > > Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil. > > It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones. > > Proverbs 3:5-8 > > > > > > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > > Sent: Thursday, March 8, 2012 1:37 PM > > Subject: new here > > > > > > > > Hello all, > > > > I was recently directed the the book SWOE by a good friend and am excited > > to have a place to vent a little and look for feedback. My wife's mom in > > this instant is the BPD and has spent the better part of the last 7 years > > singling she or I out in her rage. Has anyone here seen that situation, > > where a BPD parent focuses the angst, rage, emotional abuse solely on one > > child? I know that to a degree the other siblings just go with it and do > > not ever step out of line with her desires for them... My wife and I > > started our distancing process from her mom when our first daughter was > > born 6 years ago. Many things are coming to a head now and it is difficult > > for my wife to find self confidence after decades of emotional abuse. > > > > thanks, > > JW > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 9, 2012 Report Share Posted March 9, 2012 My suggestion is to encourage your wife to read as much as she can about Borderline pd and the other Cluster B pds. Somehow understanding that this specific set of negative, dysregulated behaviors, thoughts and feelings are a genuine mental disorder can take some of the " sting " out. Hopefully your wife will realize from reading about bpd and the other Cluster B disorders that her mother's behaviors have little if anything to do with your wife. That can help lift the FOG: the feelings of fear, obligation and guilt that the bpd parent instills. The child did not cause her parent to be mentally ill, and the child can't cure her parent. There is nothing to feel guilty or responsible for. I think one of the larger hurdles that the adult children of bpd mothers and fathers have to overcome are the *misplaced and inappropriate* feelings of guilt and responsibility for the bpd parent's feelings. Randi Kreger's The Essential Family Guide to BPD, my favorite " Understanding The Borderline MOther " by Lawson and, " Surviving A Borderline Parent " (author?) are recommended here often. There are many good books out there now that explain the behaviors of the person with bpd and offer methods of handling the bpd loved one if you are wanting or needing to remain in contact with them. Its hard to wrap our minds around the concept of personality disorder. Its a condition that denies itself. Those with pds are in an " ego syntonic " state. That means that their distorted perceptions and negative behaviors do not upset them, don't make them feel bad. Instead, they feel quite justified to feel and behave the way they do, thank you very much. Ego syntonic thinking is like, " There is nothing wrong with ME, so why should I go to therapy? YOU are the cause of all my problems, YOU are the one who needs therapy! " Best of luck to you and your wife. -Annie > > Thanks, > > I think that my mother-in-law is focusing on my wife in particular because > my wife expects more from her. She doesn't tolerate the nonsense, the > outbursts, the irrational anger. My MIL is ok with the other kids because > they just " tow the party line " so to speak. However, none of the have > children yet either. I'm not saying that the other kids don't get some of > the treatment as well, just not nearly to the degree and amount my wife > does. > > Recently my MIL tried to corner me to talk about our personal relationship > and i just told her no. I am done talking about it. She became very angry > and started hurling insults. Insisting that I just didn't want to make > things better which is obviously code for " do things my way " . My poor FIL > tried to stand up for us recently but was utterly destroyed my his wife. I > advised my wife that although he sees our point of view today, she cannot > expect that to persist. He will eventually circle back to her side after > 30+ years of coping mechanisms built into the marriage. > > It is hard for my wife, as any child should be able to look to a mother for > support, counsel, and love, those expectations are reasonable. It is only > in this instant where, due to things outside of her and outside her > control, those expectations are not realistic. Adjusting to the reality of > her situation is difficult. Any advice on how to help her with this? She > is a loving person with many wonderful attributes. > > JW > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 9, 2012 Report Share Posted March 9, 2012 Annie, thank you very much for the thoughtful response. The book suggestions are very helpful as well. My wife definitely has the *misplaced and inappropriate* feelings of guilt and responsibility. She is a nurturing person, in spite of her mom's behavior. It is hard for her to realize what she has to do to begin to heal. The " ego syntonic " state defines her nada perfectly. She projects the problem to everyone else. I have received the brunt of it for years because I don't tolerate the behavior and will either ask her to stop or take my family and leave. Thankfully I was raised in a very loving and supportive family. Therefore, i have maintained a sense of self in spite of her best efforts to get me to " get in line " . JW On Fri, Mar 9, 2012 at 12:48 PM, anuria67854 wrote: > ** > > > My suggestion is to encourage your wife to read as much as she can about > Borderline pd and the other Cluster B pds. Somehow understanding that this > specific set of negative, dysregulated behaviors, thoughts and feelings are > a genuine mental disorder can take some of the " sting " out. Hopefully your > wife will realize from reading about bpd and the other Cluster B disorders > that her mother's behaviors have little if anything to do with your wife. > That can help lift the FOG: the feelings of fear, obligation and guilt that > the bpd parent instills. The child did not cause her parent to be mentally > ill, and the child can't cure her parent. There is nothing to feel guilty > or responsible for. > > I think one of the larger hurdles that the adult children of bpd mothers > and fathers have to overcome are the *misplaced and inappropriate* feelings > of guilt and responsibility for the bpd parent's feelings. > > Randi Kreger's The Essential Family Guide to BPD, my favorite > " Understanding The Borderline MOther " by Lawson and, " Surviving A > Borderline Parent " (author?) are recommended here often. There are many > good books out there now that explain the behaviors of the person with bpd > and offer methods of handling the bpd loved one if you are wanting or > needing to remain in contact with them. > > Its hard to wrap our minds around the concept of personality disorder. Its > a condition that denies itself. Those with pds are in an " ego syntonic " > state. That means that their distorted perceptions and negative behaviors > do not upset them, don't make them feel bad. Instead, they feel quite > justified to feel and behave the way they do, thank you very much. Ego > syntonic thinking is like, " There is nothing wrong with ME, so why should I > go to therapy? YOU are the cause of all my problems, YOU are the one who > needs therapy! " > > Best of luck to you and your wife. > > -Annie > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > I think that my mother-in-law is focusing on my wife in particular > because > > my wife expects more from her. She doesn't tolerate the nonsense, the > > outbursts, the irrational anger. My MIL is ok with the other kids because > > they just " tow the party line " so to speak. However, none of the have > > children yet either. I'm not saying that the other kids don't get some of > > the treatment as well, just not nearly to the degree and amount my wife > > does. > > > > Recently my MIL tried to corner me to talk about our personal > relationship > > and i just told her no. I am done talking about it. She became very angry > > and started hurling insults. Insisting that I just didn't want to make > > things better which is obviously code for " do things my way " . My poor FIL > > tried to stand up for us recently but was utterly destroyed my his wife. > I > > advised my wife that although he sees our point of view today, she cannot > > expect that to persist. He will eventually circle back to her side after > > 30+ years of coping mechanisms built into the marriage. > > > > It is hard for my wife, as any child should be able to look to a mother > for > > support, counsel, and love, those expectations are reasonable. It is only > > in this instant where, due to things outside of her and outside her > > control, those expectations are not realistic. Adjusting to the reality > of > > her situation is difficult. Any advice on how to help her with this? She > > is a loving person with many wonderful attributes. > > > > JW > > > > > -- In Victus Maneo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 9, 2012 Report Share Posted March 9, 2012 Thank C, I have offered to take her or go with her to counseling. I think that her mom has always had such a negative view of therapy that it is difficult for my wife to get comfortable with the idea. Her aunt, her mom's sister, is diagnosed bipolar and on medication. That fact made it easy for her nada to say, see I'm not crazy, she is the crazy one. Although there are clear behavioral issues. My wife is starting to read more. Hopefully it continues. I am trying to get her to this group as well. fingers crossed... JW > ** > > > JW, > > If getting therapy is an option, esp. if you can find one that specialize > in adult children of BPD's, that would be a good thing. Continuing to be > supportive and validating to your wife is great, but sometimes it is good > to get the input from a professional. I hope your wife is reading and > educating herself as you seem to be. I know it has helped me considerably > detatch from the attacks and not let it injure me as deeply. That is not to > say that I don't still get hurt, but I feel like I get past it easier. > > C > > > > > > > > ** > > > > > > > > > > Welcome! I actually have a stepmother, and her kids were absolutely > > > perfect, and my brother and I were always the ones that were " bad " . I > have > > > been no contact for several years now, and am dealing with the > aftermath of > > > my emotions. I don't post a lot, but I do read. > > > Janet > > > > > > Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own > > > understanding. > > > In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. > > > Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil. > > > It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones. > > > Proverbs 3:5-8 > > > > > > > > > > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > > > Sent: Thursday, March 8, 2012 1:37 PM > > > Subject: new here > > > > > > > > > > > > Hello all, > > > > > > I was recently directed the the book SWOE by a good friend and am > excited > > > to have a place to vent a little and look for feedback. My wife's mom > in > > > this instant is the BPD and has spent the better part of the last 7 > years > > > singling she or I out in her rage. Has anyone here seen that situation, > > > where a BPD parent focuses the angst, rage, emotional abuse solely on > one > > > child? I know that to a degree the other siblings just go with it and > do > > > not ever step out of line with her desires for them... My wife and I > > > started our distancing process from her mom when our first daughter was > > > born 6 years ago. Many things are coming to a head now and it is > difficult > > > for my wife to find self confidence after decades of emotional abuse. > > > > > > thanks, > > > JW > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 9, 2012 Report Share Posted March 9, 2012 I just wanted to say a HUGE and heartfelt thank you to you for your support of your wife. there is a post here about what love is right now, this is it. coming from my perspective I want to say that she needs you to be consistent and real. do loving things for her. she will receive them thirstily. you get an " A+ " in husband hood. Meikjn > > > > Thanks, > > > > I think that my mother-in-law is focusing on my wife in particular because > > my wife expects more from her. She doesn't tolerate the nonsense, the > > outbursts, the irrational anger. My MIL is ok with the other kids because > > they just " tow the party line " so to speak. However, none of the have > > children yet either. I'm not saying that the other kids don't get some of > > the treatment as well, just not nearly to the degree and amount my wife > > does. > > > > Recently my MIL tried to corner me to talk about our personal relationship > > and i just told her no. I am done talking about it. She became very angry > > and started hurling insults. Insisting that I just didn't want to make > > things better which is obviously code for " do things my way " . My poor FIL > > tried to stand up for us recently but was utterly destroyed my his wife. I > > advised my wife that although he sees our point of view today, she cannot > > expect that to persist. He will eventually circle back to her side after > > 30+ years of coping mechanisms built into the marriage. > > > > It is hard for my wife, as any child should be able to look to a mother for > > support, counsel, and love, those expectations are reasonable. It is only > > in this instant where, due to things outside of her and outside her > > control, those expectations are not realistic. Adjusting to the reality of > > her situation is difficult. Any advice on how to help her with this? She > > is a loving person with many wonderful attributes. > > > > JW > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 10, 2012 Report Share Posted March 10, 2012 So glad you're here. Welcome! My nada (mom) is BPD and I didn't know about it for the first 57 years of my life. As an only child I got the full meal deal. Sometimes she showed me off like a trophy; other times she yelled at me and even went for days without talking to me or making eye contact. Actually, that's where I'm at now. She's angry about something and has refused to talk to me for the past week. Another book that might be even more helpful (I'm reading it now) is " Understanding the Borderline Mother. " Your wife will find this difficult to read. I know I am. But you will find it enlightening and helpful. It's very expensive so try getting it through your library system first. As for the kids: protect them at all costs. I was so afraid of my nada that I subjected my kids too often to her coldness and anger. I was driven by guilt to visit her when she moved to our area and my kids were so young, I had to take them along. But she was so cold to them. And now she complains that they never come visit her. It's difficult but make sure your kids always come first. The mom will try to insist on things her way, but please don't go there. > > Hello all, > > I was recently directed the the book SWOE by a good friend and am excited to have a place to vent a little and look for feedback. My wife's mom in this instant is the BPD and has spent the better part of the last 7 years singling she or I out in her rage. Has anyone here seen that situation, where a BPD parent focuses the angst, rage, emotional abuse solely on one child? I know that to a degree the other siblings just go with it and do not ever step out of line with her desires for them... My wife and I started our distancing process from her mom when our first daughter was born 6 years ago. Many things are coming to a head now and it is difficult for my wife to find self confidence after decades of emotional abuse. > > thanks, > JW > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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