New to group: BP mother is obsessed with my baby

[Guest guest]

Hi,

Thank you everyone for all the support and stories. Wow I am overwhelmed, I

can't believe the support here, and even though in some ways I think my Nada

isn't as severe as some peoples, the damage from not being treated like a human

being with my own thought and feelings/invalidation, control, and

idealization/devaluation over the years has been pyschologically damaging

enough. I am starting to see a common theme, and it's all starting to make sence

to me.

I am starting to wonder if it could be true that her T never told her to visit

as much as possible...or maybe at the least she twisted something the T said. I

can't believe I never considered that wasn't true, have I been naive and

underestimated her? I think you are right Doug, and , that I really can't

take anything she says at face value.

My Nada uses Religion in the same way that she used her role as mother to fill

her self worth, she is obsessed with christianity and in some aspects we had a

overly wholesome religious childhood, and we were taught not to lie, and all

that other stuff, and my mom was always the image of the good christian woman.

So we were shocked recently when we caught her in a lie, when she bought her

plane ticket for more days then we agreed upon and then called it a

'misunderstanding'. She even sent us an email saying she bought it for more days

to accommodate dad's schedule, then turned around and blamed me saying she

bought the ticket for the exact days I said over the phone. This is how the

blowup happened, she couldn't handle being called out on the lie and had a

serious meltdown, and canceled the trip saying my husband made it clear that she

was not welcome. She really does have tantrums and meltdowns worse than my 2yr

old!!

And now we wonder if she has been lying about stuff all along, or even believes

her own lies, but I don't really care because I feel like I cannot trust her.

Even when she told us she canceled the trip my husband thought she may be

bluffing to get us to cave to her demands, she obviously wanted us to say to her

'oh we really REALLY DO want you to come!! Please please don't cancel your

trip!' But we didn't!! And she may have sent the guilt letters to put pressure

on me when that didn't happen, but that didn't work either, i just continued to

ignore her escalations, and then they had the nerve to DEMAND that they skype

with my son. That's when we cut them off for 3 months...

Amber, my mother is very similar to yours. She clings to my child. She gets

upset that she might have to take a shower while visiting, or spend 10 seconds

away from my son while using the bathroom because " I only have a few precious

days with my grandbaby, and I don't want to lose another minute of it " ..which is

also anther dig to us that she lives far away and we limit her time with him,

*sigh*. When it's time to leave she clings to him at the airport and cries for

an hour...we've already had to address that behavior with her as being

inappropriate...oh the drama!

I am also starting to realize that my Nada's sisters all have BP and my grandma

was probably a severe case as well(and Grandpa a sexual abuser/Narcissist?)

Actually is there some kind of theme here with BPD and NPDs getting together?

Alot of people seem to have BPD moms and NPD dads. Anyway my Nada and her sister

suffered severe neglect and child abuse, and this has been confirmed by several

family members. Grandma propped them up with bottles instead of holding and

cuddling them as infants, and they were all beaten and sexually abused...and out

of all my mom's sisters she is the least messed up. I am close to one of my

cousins whose mother has BP but it manifested differently, her mom is completely

detached. I was always jealous of them growing up because my mom was so

over-involved and controlling, and my cousins got total freedom, now it all

makes sense, but the really interesting thing is that her family has the EXACT

same dynamic as mine. The oldest child has all the anger, and a volatile

relationship with the Nada, same as me, I am the oldest. The son, middle child,

is uninvolved, just like my brother the middle child. And the youngest daughter

in insecure, and enabler, rescuer, and always caves, that's my little sister

also!! It's would be more fascinating if it weren't so messed up...

The other really interesting thing that I got from the comments was the

information about not leaving your child alone with Nada. At first I thought

" well I am so glad that I don't have to worry about that with my Nada " That was

my very first thought... but then I started thinking about a couple of incidents

that have happened with my Nada's sister...

I went to visit one of my aunts about 6 months ago. I had told them in advance

that my son had issues with choking on food, he didn't eat regular toddler food

and we would be taking him soon to a gastoenterologist to get evaluated, so

don't bring him any snacks. Well guess what they did?, surprise surprise, they

brought him snacks...but I didn't find this out until my back was turned and

they were shoving m & m's and cookies down his throat. I was shocked and angry, I

couldn't figure out why someone would do this after I told them he chokes on

food and can't chew yet. They treated me like I was overreacting. (by the way he

is fine now after some feeding therapy)

When I told one of my cousins about this incident, she told me something weird

had happened to her as well. Her mom is the detached BP I was talking about. She

told me that when her baby was 6 weeks old and just out of the hospital for

kidney surgery, she went to a restaurant with her mom and oldest sister. She

went into the bathroom for 2 minutes and when she came out her baby was

projectile vomiting, Turns out that while she was peeing, her mom and sister

thought it would be a good idea to give her sick baby diet coke and ice cream.

Needless to say she was very upset because her baby was just out of the hospital

fighting for her life, and by the way, you don't give that stuff to infants

anyway!! She knew then that she couldn't trust her mom or sister with her child

after that. I knew there was a connection between my story and hers, but it

didn't click until I read all the stuff everyone posted. I can see how messed up

this disorder makes you.

So, now I am realizing that my mom may not be shoving inappropriate food down my

kid's throat, but I can tell you what she DOES shove down everyone's

throat...religion. She has already started in with it, she is always saying to

my 2 year old " Can you say 'baby Jesus'? " Oh, if i have to hear that one more

time, I am gonna scream!! She is heavy handed with religion to say the least.

This is an emotional boundary problem I have with her. I am a christian myself,

but unlike her, I believe that every human being gets to ultimately make up

their own minds without it being forced on them. I just don't like her delivery

method. My brother is an Atheist and I want to say:'so how well did that work

for you mom?'

I haven't had this talk with her yet because I am afraid of her...but the day is

going to come where she says something inappropriate and I will have to step in

and say something. All hell will break loose! (No pun intended!) I really don't

want my child having nightmares about hell like I did at the tender age of 3

because Nada scared the crap out of us with hell talk, and about how we were all

going there if we didn't confession our sins, all for the purpose of making sure

we all get to heaven with HER. So while we don't have problems YET with my mom

doing weird stuff with food, we definitely have other issues...I just want to

raise my child the way I see fit, not her version of God, the scary, obsessed

psycho version she gives...*shutter* *sigh*

Okay so the thing that's seriously bothering me this week and it has to do with

the fact that my mother is calling me Borderline to family members. There is

actually a story here...

When I was seventeen my mother actually got a doctor to diagnose me with HER

disorder by projecting. I am deeply disturbed by this. I think I mentioned

before that I have problems of my own with depression thanks to genetics and a

psycho-controlling mom who wouldn't let go of me as a teenager...

So anyways I was basically the scapegoat for the family's problems when I

started asserting my independence at 13 and was taken around to a bunch of

doctors to 'find out what was wrong with me, why was I so angry'...(?!?!?)

Anyways when I was 17 she took me to a new psychiatrist who asked her to fill

out a paper on me, and then when the doctor wasn't looking I took a peek at it.

The first thing was her claiming that I was psychosomatic and I didn't know what

that meant, so I didn't say anything. Then decided to look it up when I got

home. i was so angry, I thought " That describes her, not me!!! " Lo and behold,

he diagnosed me as borderline... I can only imagine that the entire sheet she

filled out was her projecting her issues. This makes me angry on so many

levels..and now my mom is telling people that I AM BP, she knows for sure cause

a doctor told her so...Uhhh, so that IS true he did diagnose me, but ONLY

because you projected it to him you psycho fruit loop!!!! Okay sorry for the

anger!!

Anyways this week in particular I am feeling that situation come back to bite

me.

In my defense, I've been seen by doctors my whole life, and I've never been told

I have a personality disorder. Most recently I went to UCLA to be taken off my

meds to have a baby. They wrote a paper on my situation and recommended me as a

good candidate to get pregnant. They stated in their opinion that my depression

was triggered by my unstable home environment as a teenager. I think if I was BP

it wouldn't have slipped past them, or the other 100 therapists I have to see my

whole life thanks to my messed up childhood. And they definitely wouldn't have

recommended I get pregnant if I was BP.

Anyways I know you guys know I'm not nuts, I guess I'm just feeling a little

defensive:-(

Anyways I am also realizing this week with that Nada is extremely

Narcissistic...her sense of entitlement is pretty extreme. My husband doesn't

think she would ever sue, but I do...this woman doesn't pick her battles even

when it comes to the little stuff, heaven forbid you are ever on the opposite

end of a customer service line from her, she will make your life hell, and

usually leaves the person crying before she is transferred to the manager. I did

a little research after hearing all your responses, and I don't think she would

have much case, it's just the emotional damage, if she feels so entitled to my

son that she would go to a lawyer, that would be the last straw for me.

I think I know for sure that I want Limited contact with her and my dad, and I

need to try to learn the medium chill method just to live through that, I really

would like my son to know her, she just needs to get it together and stop trying

to tell me how to live my life.

So when we cut her off we did it by email, and I wrote a letter that gave

red-flags to a therapist if he/she were to read it. (lack of boundaries, FOG,

etc) I did get a response from my mom saying she was seeking therapy and asked

if it would be okay for her therapist to contact me via email if he needed to

ask any questions concerning her therapy. I said yes of course, and was

initially excited that I may get the opportunity to say we believe she has BP.

But after reading peoples stories I now know I have to worry that she has an

imaginary therapist and I have to be careful that this person really exists, so

i am not just sending emails to her thinking it's actually a T!!

Anyways now that I know my mom does lie, I know we can't trust what she says...

Nada does have alot of health problems and keeps getting surgery even though she

shouldn't because she has auto immune disorder (this we know for sure) and her

body always attacks itself so even a simple surgery turns out to be a nightmare.

She is always that one percent that has a reaction. Then she always needs alot

of help and we all have to run in and rescue her and care for her when another

surgery goes bad. Does anyone have a Nada like this? She also got a little nutty

after she hit menopause...I can't find any information online about how

menopause effects BP...not helping I'm sure.

Okay I am sorry I went off and this was so long, there is just alot to

process...

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Girlscout. Those were real bad times.

> > >

> > > Hi I am new to this group. I need some advise from someone who has had

> > some experience with a Nada who thinks they are entitled to their grandchild

> > without having to respect their grown childrens' boundaries.

> > > I am coming to terms with the fact my mom has High Functioning BP, she

> > hasn't been diagnosed, but I am 100% sure she fits the bill. I am 36 years

> > old and I have a wonderful life, husband, and beautiful 2 year old baby, but

> > I suffer terrible stress because of the havoc my mom brings to my life. It's

> > more complicated by the fact that I am bipolar, which I am sure was

> > triggered by the emotional abuse I've suffered as a child. My mom is

> > controlling and over-involved. Things were hard for me as a child and

> > teenager, but got better once I left home and got away from my family. Only

> > recently did things flare up with her after I had a baby, actually things

> > got worse when I got pregnant and it became all about her " grandma

> > experience " .(he is the only grandchild) She wants to visit every two months

> > and step over every boundary I have. (I had gone to great lengths to come

> > off my meds just to have a baby, and she doesn't seem to care about my

> > stress level) It doesn't help that her therapist told her to save every

> > penny and come visit us as much as possible (she lives out of state). She

> > picks fights and loads on the guilt when I don't do exactly what she wants.

> > Recently the situation escalated when we said she couldn't come to visit in

> > Oct, and she blew up and canceled her upcoming trip for my son's birthday in

> > July, and then blamed it on me, writing me guilt letters and blaming me for

> > the whole situation after yelling and screaming at my husband. We decided to

> > cut her off for three months, with the help and support of my therapist. But

> > now my mom is telling everyone that I'm Borderline! I wouldn't be surprised

> > if she joined the support group 'parent of BP child' and is complaining to

> > everyone in that group right now about me. She has threatened to sue for

> > grandparents rights in the past when we asked her not to visit as much, and

> > I actually think she may try to do that. (she tried to sue her neighbors

> > because there dogs barked, so I believe she may try it)I have tried

> > everything to make her happy but now I know that nothing will EVER be

> > enough. I have read 3 books, get therapy and medication, but still feel sad

> > that I may lose my relationship with my mom and dad (my dad stands by her) I

> > can't let her enmeshed herself with my son like she did with me, I feel the

> > need to protect my family. I have made up my mind to put up my boundaries,

> > and I stand by them, but emotionally it's still hard because I love her and

> > want a relationship but not at any price:-( She has agreed to see a new

> > therapist but I don't know what the chances are that they will see her

> > disorder, (the last therapist didn't) Or if there is any chance of a normal

> > relationship, most people by the way don't think there is anything wrong

> > with her, she is High Functioning and passes off for normal most the time. I

> > guess I just want to hear that this has happened to someone else and how

> > they handled it, she waited her whole life for me to have a baby " for her "

> > (grrrrr!) and now I am denying her " grandparent's rights " , there may be hell

> > to pay before this is all over:-(

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

echobabe,

All I can say is WOW, the level of control your mom wants is crazy. Talk about

taking it to the extreme...

What kind of weird thing goes on inside our mothers' brains when we get

pregnant? I just don't understand it...

I wouldn't let my mom come to see me until 2 weeks after the birth because my

doctor though she would trigger postpartum...but she angry to this day about

that...and reminds me constantly...honestly if she could have been allowed to

push that baby out for me, she would have, it's " her baby " after all. Damn this

is messed up stuff!!!

> > > >

> > > > Hi I am new to this group. I need some advise from someone who has had

> > > some experience with a Nada who thinks they are entitled to their

grandchild

> > > without having to respect their grown childrens' boundaries.

> > > > I am coming to terms with the fact my mom has High Functioning BP, she

> > > hasn't been diagnosed, but I am 100% sure she fits the bill. I am 36 years

> > > old and I have a wonderful life, husband, and beautiful 2 year old baby,

but

> > > I suffer terrible stress because of the havoc my mom brings to my life.

It's

> > > more complicated by the fact that I am bipolar, which I am sure was

> > > triggered by the emotional abuse I've suffered as a child. My mom is

> > > controlling and over-involved. Things were hard for me as a child and

> > > teenager, but got better once I left home and got away from my family.

Only

> > > recently did things flare up with her after I had a baby, actually things

> > > got worse when I got pregnant and it became all about her " grandma

> > > experience " .(he is the only grandchild) She wants to visit every two

months

> > > and step over every boundary I have. (I had gone to great lengths to come

> > > off my meds just to have a baby, and she doesn't seem to care about my

> > > stress level) It doesn't help that her therapist told her to save every

> > > penny and come visit us as much as possible (she lives out of state). She

> > > picks fights and loads on the guilt when I don't do exactly what she

wants.

> > > Recently the situation escalated when we said she couldn't come to visit

in

> > > Oct, and she blew up and canceled her upcoming trip for my son's birthday

in

> > > July, and then blamed it on me, writing me guilt letters and blaming me

for

> > > the whole situation after yelling and screaming at my husband. We decided

to

> > > cut her off for three months, with the help and support of my therapist.

But

> > > now my mom is telling everyone that I'm Borderline! I wouldn't be

surprised

> > > if she joined the support group 'parent of BP child' and is complaining to

> > > everyone in that group right now about me. She has threatened to sue for

> > > grandparents rights in the past when we asked her not to visit as much,

and

> > > I actually think she may try to do that. (she tried to sue her neighbors

> > > because there dogs barked, so I believe she may try it)I have tried

> > > everything to make her happy but now I know that nothing will EVER be

> > > enough. I have read 3 books, get therapy and medication, but still feel

sad

> > > that I may lose my relationship with my mom and dad (my dad stands by her)

I

> > > can't let her enmeshed herself with my son like she did with me, I feel

the

> > > need to protect my family. I have made up my mind to put up my boundaries,

> > > and I stand by them, but emotionally it's still hard because I love her

and

> > > want a relationship but not at any price:-( She has agreed to see a new

> > > therapist but I don't know what the chances are that they will see her

> > > disorder, (the last therapist didn't) Or if there is any chance of a

normal

> > > relationship, most people by the way don't think there is anything wrong

> > > with her, she is High Functioning and passes off for normal most the time.

I

> > > guess I just want to hear that this has happened to someone else and how

> > > they handled it, she waited her whole life for me to have a baby " for her "

> > > (grrrrr!) and now I am denying her " grandparent's rights " , there may be

hell

> > > to pay before this is all over:-(

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >