Guest guest Posted August 1, 2011 Report Share Posted August 1, 2011 Hi All, I went to postal-mail-only contact with my nada almost exactly three months ago. At first she was sending long accusatory letters and harassing me by calling my work phone and leaving terrible messages. She even called my husband's family with her crazy victim-of-daughter story. But for the past month, the tone of her letters changed. She started sending cards that say " I hope you are well. " She also stopped calling me altogether. So yesterday I called her. I used the " medium chill " as best I could, and there was no conflict during our 45-minute conversation. (Can you call it a conversation if the other person talks and never asks you anything?) Anyway, I feel super-depressed now. Like, all the progress I made in detaching over the last few months was somehow undone just by the act of talking with her. She has had some legitimate health issues during my absence, and in the spirit of medium chill, I didn't offer much compassion, but it feels unnatural. I feel upset and lost and empty... and I need support. I feel like all the forced smiles I have to show at work are killing me. I know that they say the act of smiling can improve your mood, but it's not working for me. Thank you for listening. Your support and advice is appreciated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 1, 2011 Report Share Posted August 1, 2011 Hi , Is it possible you were hoping (even unbeknownst to your conscious self) that she would have changed as a result of the past conflict or shown some kind of remorse? And since she obviously didn't, you are feeling that loss of a true mother again? It's up to you if you want to have a relationship with her, on any level, even if it's a medium chill relationship aka no emotion relationship. I think you're still going through the process of grieving the mother you never had, that you dream about, that you still possibly hold out hope for, as we all do. Just curious, exactly why did you decide to call her, versus just write her a medium chill response letter? Let me tell you this: you do not have to wear a fake smile. It's OKAY to feel sad. It's perfectly valid to be sad that your mother, who should care, didn't bother to ask you one question about yourself. It's okay to be sad about that. It's okay to feel lonely because of it. Those are legitimate things to feel sad about. You do not have to pretend to be happy for anyone especially not to please anyone (perhaps like you had to put on a happy face to please nada?). On another note, listening to always makes me feel better. =) > > Hi All, > > I went to postal-mail-only contact with my nada almost exactly three months ago. At first she was sending long accusatory letters and harassing me by calling my work phone and leaving terrible messages. She even called my husband's family with her crazy victim-of-daughter story. But for the past month, the tone of her letters changed. She started sending cards that say " I hope you are well. " She also stopped calling me altogether. > > So yesterday I called her. I used the " medium chill " as best I could, and there was no conflict during our 45-minute conversation. (Can you call it a conversation if the other person talks and never asks you anything?) Anyway, I feel super-depressed now. Like, all the progress I made in detaching over the last few months was somehow undone just by the act of talking with her. She has had some legitimate health issues during my absence, and in the spirit of medium chill, I didn't offer much compassion, but it feels unnatural. I feel upset and lost and empty... and I need support. I feel like all the forced smiles I have to show at work are killing me. I know that they say the act of smiling can improve your mood, but it's not working for me. > > Thank you for listening. Your support and advice is appreciated. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 1, 2011 Report Share Posted August 1, 2011 (((())))) I'm so sorry you're feeling sad, RE all the detachment and peace you'd gained being wiped out. I'm guessing that by making the phone call, you were hoping that maybe your nada had gained some insight and would show you some compassion and empathy, but instead, it was still All About Nada, just in a different way. You are disappointed, and its normal to feel sad when you are disappointed. Low Contact is not a one-time event, its a process, as I'm guessing you are discovering, because borderline pd is a chronic illness: more like malaria than like a broken bone that can heal. You can re-establish boundaries, and regain control over how much contact you want or can tolerate. For example, you get to decide that if you want to have phone contact with nada, you can limit the phone calls to 10 minutes (or whatever you like) instead of 45 minutes of a monologue. And if nada reverts to being verbally/emotionally abusive, you can re-establish the written-letters-only form of contact, or have temporary No Contact as a consequence. Its your choice. I hope you will feel better soon. -Annie > > Hi All, > > I went to postal-mail-only contact with my nada almost exactly three months ago. At first she was sending long accusatory letters and harassing me by calling my work phone and leaving terrible messages. She even called my husband's family with her crazy victim-of-daughter story. But for the past month, the tone of her letters changed. She started sending cards that say " I hope you are well. " She also stopped calling me altogether. > > So yesterday I called her. I used the " medium chill " as best I could, and there was no conflict during our 45-minute conversation. (Can you call it a conversation if the other person talks and never asks you anything?) Anyway, I feel super-depressed now. Like, all the progress I made in detaching over the last few months was somehow undone just by the act of talking with her. She has had some legitimate health issues during my absence, and in the spirit of medium chill, I didn't offer much compassion, but it feels unnatural. I feel upset and lost and empty... and I need support. I feel like all the forced smiles I have to show at work are killing me. I know that they say the act of smiling can improve your mood, but it's not working for me. > > Thank you for listening. Your support and advice is appreciated. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 1, 2011 Report Share Posted August 1, 2011 , Thanks for responding. I chose to call her rather than write to her because I was honestly getting tired of communicating through the mail. I have thought this whole time that what I want is to talk with her by phone at a low frequency (twice a month?), but I needed a " break " first. Up to that point, I had literally never set boundaries with her, and when I started to ignore her calls and e-mails she lost it, which I guess is normal for a bpd, and especially a bpd who has never been challenged by her one and only child (I am 29 and have been putting up with her intrusive chaos all these years without even blinking an eye...) I think you are right that I am still mourning the mother I didn't have and won't have. I don't want to be too involved in her life... I want to do what the books say, and try to get her to start dancing the tango instead of the waltz. Like, as long as I am putting quarters in the meter, I don't have to feel like I am hiding from the police. (I can't stand the feeling of unfinished business... I pay bills the same day I get them, my library books are never overdue, I always answer telemarketing calls so that I can ask to be removed from the list... ). I don't mind giving her a little of my time, and I think if I try hard at detaching, I can escape from suffering due to her words... but it's so much easier said than done! ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Monday, August 1, 2011 12:59 PM Subject: Re: Sad today.  Hi , Is it possible you were hoping (even unbeknownst to your conscious self) that she would have changed as a result of the past conflict or shown some kind of remorse? And since she obviously didn't, you are feeling that loss of a true mother again? It's up to you if you want to have a relationship with her, on any level, even if it's a medium chill relationship aka no emotion relationship. I think you're still going through the process of grieving the mother you never had, that you dream about, that you still possibly hold out hope for, as we all do. Just curious, exactly why did you decide to call her, versus just write her a medium chill response letter? Let me tell you this: you do not have to wear a fake smile. It's OKAY to feel sad. It's perfectly valid to be sad that your mother, who should care, didn't bother to ask you one question about yourself. It's okay to be sad about that. It's okay to feel lonely because of it. Those are legitimate things to feel sad about. You do not have to pretend to be happy for anyone especially not to please anyone (perhaps like you had to put on a happy face to please nada?). On another note, listening to always makes me feel better. =) > > Hi All, > > I went to postal-mail-only contact with my nada almost exactly three months ago. At first she was sending long accusatory letters and harassing me by calling my work phone and leaving terrible messages. She even called my husband's family with her crazy victim-of-daughter story. But for the past month, the tone of her letters changed. She started sending cards that say " I hope you are well. " She also stopped calling me altogether. > > So yesterday I called her. I used the " medium chill " as best I could, and there was no conflict during our 45-minute conversation. (Can you call it a conversation if the other person talks and never asks you anything?) Anyway, I feel super-depressed now. Like, all the progress I made in detaching over the last few months was somehow undone just by the act of talking with her. She has had some legitimate health issues during my absence, and in the spirit of medium chill, I didn't offer much compassion, but it feels unnatural. I feel upset and lost and empty... and I need support. I feel like all the forced smiles I have to show at work are killing me. I know that they say the act of smiling can improve your mood, but it's not working for me. > > Thank you for listening. Your support and advice is appreciated. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 1, 2011 Report Share Posted August 1, 2011 Annie, What you said here: >And if nada reverts to being verbally/emotionally abusive, you can re-establish the written-letters-only form of contact, or have temporary No Contact as a consequence. Its your choice. That is exactly what my husband said before I called her.  It's a good reminder that I *am* in control, which is important for me to remember, and maybe a concept that I haven't fully embraced, given the emotional bullying she has put me through. It's so nice to be able to come here and get feedback. Thank you. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Monday, August 1, 2011 1:14 PM Subject: Re: Sad today.  (((())))) I'm so sorry you're feeling sad, RE all the detachment and peace you'd gained being wiped out. I'm guessing that by making the phone call, you were hoping that maybe your nada had gained some insight and would show you some compassion and empathy, but instead, it was still All About Nada, just in a different way. You are disappointed, and its normal to feel sad when you are disappointed. Low Contact is not a one-time event, its a process, as I'm guessing you are discovering, because borderline pd is a chronic illness: more like malaria than like a broken bone that can heal. You can re-establish boundaries, and regain control over how much contact you want or can tolerate. For example, you get to decide that if you want to have phone contact with nada, you can limit the phone calls to 10 minutes (or whatever you like) instead of 45 minutes of a monologue. And if nada reverts to being verbally/emotionally abusive, you can re-establish the written-letters-only form of contact, or have temporary No Contact as a consequence. Its your choice. I hope you will feel better soon. -Annie > > Hi All, > > I went to postal-mail-only contact with my nada almost exactly three months ago. At first she was sending long accusatory letters and harassing me by calling my work phone and leaving terrible messages. She even called my husband's family with her crazy victim-of-daughter story. But for the past month, the tone of her letters changed. She started sending cards that say " I hope you are well. " She also stopped calling me altogether. > > So yesterday I called her. I used the " medium chill " as best I could, and there was no conflict during our 45-minute conversation. (Can you call it a conversation if the other person talks and never asks you anything?) Anyway, I feel super-depressed now. Like, all the progress I made in detaching over the last few months was somehow undone just by the act of talking with her. She has had some legitimate health issues during my absence, and in the spirit of medium chill, I didn't offer much compassion, but it feels unnatural. I feel upset and lost and empty... and I need support. I feel like all the forced smiles I have to show at work are killing me. I know that they say the act of smiling can improve your mood, but it's not working for me. > > Thank you for listening. Your support and advice is appreciated. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 1, 2011 Report Share Posted August 1, 2011 , Hang in there. I can totally understand your feelings of sadness. Maybe hoping she would give you some glimmer of hope that maybe she's changed her ways, or maybe hoping that she was having " a good day " and would be thrilled to hear from you. I bet your sadness is almost like a let down. Can you tell I feel like I've been in your place before? Echoing what others have said, you can re-establish your boundaries, or make the decisions about how often and for what length of time you are in contact. Remember, too, you contacted her on your own terms. Although the conversation sounded like it was all about her (as I'm sure it always is), you're the one who had control in the situation. Sounds like using Medium Chill worked, but I'm sure it's a hard adjustment. I can only hope it gets easier for you. Again, hang in there. You did well. > > Hi All, > > I went to postal-mail-only contact with my nada almost exactly three months ago. At first she was sending long accusatory letters and harassing me by calling my work phone and leaving terrible messages. She even called my husband's family with her crazy victim-of-daughter story. But for the past month, the tone of her letters changed. She started sending cards that say " I hope you are well. " She also stopped calling me altogether. > > So yesterday I called her. I used the " medium chill " as best I could, and there was no conflict during our 45-minute conversation. (Can you call it a conversation if the other person talks and never asks you anything?) Anyway, I feel super-depressed now. Like, all the progress I made in detaching over the last few months was somehow undone just by the act of talking with her. She has had some legitimate health issues during my absence, and in the spirit of medium chill, I didn't offer much compassion, but it feels unnatural. I feel upset and lost and empty... and I need support. I feel like all the forced smiles I have to show at work are killing me. I know that they say the act of smiling can improve your mood, but it's not working for me. > > Thank you for listening. Your support and advice is appreciated. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 8, 2011 Report Share Posted August 8, 2011 I too have hed to set major boundaries with my mom and grandmom (niw familiar with abbreviations yet) and i envy your braveness with the letter contact only-might have to so the same someday! anyway-perhaps your saddnedd can be alleviated a bit with the notion that you made only made a mistake by testing her again? i always keep my phone conversations to 15 min max with either of them (I can identify with them talking the whole time! lol) and it helps to not depress me much (I always really try to keep in short)--when I started keepin the conversations shorter at first, there was some kicking and screaming and guilt trips for being so busy) but they've gotten used to is (like how she was getting used to the letter thing)-I wish you the best in your quest for peace-amen for acceptance-namaste, stacie > > Hi All, > > I went to postal-mail-only contact with my nada almost exactly three months ago. At first she was sending long accusatory letters and harassing me by calling my work phone and leaving terrible messages. She even called my husband's family with her crazy victim-of-daughter story. But for the past month, the tone of her letters changed. She started sending cards that say " I hope you are well. " She also stopped calling me altogether. > > So yesterday I called her. I used the " medium chill " as best I could, and there was no conflict during our 45-minute conversation. (Can you call it a conversation if the other person talks and never asks you anything?) Anyway, I feel super-depressed now. Like, all the progress I made in detaching over the last few months was somehow undone just by the act of talking with her. She has had some legitimate health issues during my absence, and in the spirit of medium chill, I didn't offer much compassion, but it feels unnatural. I feel upset and lost and empty... and I need support. I feel like all the forced smiles I have to show at work are killing me. I know that they say the act of smiling can improve your mood, but it's not working for me. > > Thank you for listening. Your support and advice is appreciated. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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