The child of bpd and self-alienation (was Re: Forgiveness)

[Guest guest]

RE self-alienation:

I was reading about *parental alienation* recently because it seemed to me that

even though my parents stayed married, my nada frequently needed to vilify my

dad to me: she would list his shortcomings and share with me how he had hurt

her, in an effort (I suppose) to make me feel sorry for her and join in with

her in showing disgust or contempt for my dad.

My nada needed me to feel the same way she did; it wasn't OK for me to have a

different, positive view of my dad when nada was pissed off at him and had

painted him " all black " . I just had to mutely listen and appear to agree with

her. Trying to remind her of dad's good qualities and that she really did love

him (trying for balance) was perceived as invalidating, and as an attack on her.

Then I would be painted all-black again, too.

So it occurred to me that that same behavior was directed at me. My mother

would vilify me to my face, accuse me of being a horrible, horrible person, *and

she forced me to agree with her.*

Thinking about that, it occurred to me that one of the very worst things that

can happen to the child of a bpd, is that being painted " all black " constantly

or even frequently can cause the child to become alienated from her own self:

filled with disgust and contempt for her own self.

The child *must* reject and hate herself in order to appease nada and survive.

Disagreeing with nada (by defending yourself) is perceived as invalidating to

nada, and if nada feels invalidated, the child will be subjected to even worse

abuse: annihilating rage and an extinction of the self caused by nada's complete

rejection. Maternal rejection is a virtual death sentence for a child, in

emotional terms. (Based on reality: in evolutionary terms, an infant abandoned

by the mother will indeed die if not rescued.)

The child is subjected to the ultimate no-win scenario: " Show mommy that you

loathe yourself by agreeing that you are a disgusting, repulsive, shameful

excuse for a human being, and I will agree with you but I won't reject you.

Mommy loves you, you despicable piece of crap. "

Its one of the key reasons I feel that its very important for a child to NOT be

raised by a mother with bpd, exclusively.

If a mother has bpd, its crucial for her child or children to have other adults

in her life who can give her a sense of her own self, and a sense that she is a

good and lovable human being who is NOT all-bad. Its crucial to counteract the

messages of self-hate that the child is receiving.

Or, in the worst cases, its crucial to have the child removed and raised in a

different, healthier environment by mentally healthy caregivers.

Because self-alienation, as many of us here can attest, can last well into

adulthood and have a devastatingly negative impact on our ability to achieve an

independent, joyful, fulfilling, loving, emotionally healthy adult life.

What the bpd mother does to her child is the opposite of parenting. Instead of

healthy self-esteem, the child of the bpd reaches adulthood with toxic

self-loathing, and that's just wrong.

-Annie

> > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > So, I've recently startind reading " surviving the borderline mother "

It's a

> > > > really good book and I feel like it helps me understand this illness.

> > > > However, when I got to the forgiveness chapter in the book I couldn't

read

> > > > it. I don't know if I can forgive my nada for everything she put me

through.

> > > > Not yet atleast. Especially since her idea of " forgiveness " is that

> > > > everything will be completely fine when I forgive her. like nothing ever

> > > > happened. After all of the years of her mental illness along with drug

use,

> > > > I just don't think I can let her pretend like none of it ever happened,

and

> > > > I know that's how she will be if I forgive her now. It already hurts

enough

> > > > that she says some of it didn't take place. I don't know if I could

handle

> > > > her denying everything completely. I guess when I got to that part of

the

> > > > book I was just surprised. I feel guilty because I can't forgive her. I

feel

> > > > like if I did then maybe she wouldn't lash out. But I just can't do it.

I

> > > > can't take that step and I'm a little afraid that I might not ever be

able

> > > > to....

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

I really relate to this. As a child though you don't see how messed up this is,

you just feel the confusion...no wonder I was so depressed:-(

> > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > So, I've recently startind reading " surviving the borderline mother "

It's a

> > > > > really good book and I feel like it helps me understand this illness.

> > > > > However, when I got to the forgiveness chapter in the book I couldn't

read

> > > > > it. I don't know if I can forgive my nada for everything she put me

through.

> > > > > Not yet atleast. Especially since her idea of " forgiveness " is that

> > > > > everything will be completely fine when I forgive her. like nothing

ever

> > > > > happened. After all of the years of her mental illness along with drug

use,

> > > > > I just don't think I can let her pretend like none of it ever

happened, and

> > > > > I know that's how she will be if I forgive her now. It already hurts

enough

> > > > > that she says some of it didn't take place. I don't know if I could

handle

> > > > > her denying everything completely. I guess when I got to that part of

the

> > > > > book I was just surprised. I feel guilty because I can't forgive her.

I feel

> > > > > like if I did then maybe she wouldn't lash out. But I just can't do

it. I

> > > > > can't take that step and I'm a little afraid that I might not ever be

able

> > > > > to....

> > > > >

> > > > >

[Guest guest]

This is exactly how I feel.

I had to kill off my true self because it just wasn't working out to be myself

in front of my mom for so many years.

I had so many interests, passions and was very good at everything I did.

My old boyfriend once asked me if I thought my mother was jealous of me at

all...and I of course said no. What a ridiculous thought, I thought...

But as the years went by, and I totally gave up everything that meant anything

to me, I realized, with therapy, that she was very jealous of me, my talents, my

physical appearance...and did not want me to have any of the things and people

who made life bearable to me.

So I gave up everything and everyone in my life to appease her.

So, to this day...and I am 48...I do not trust my own instincts and have a hard

time every single day of my life. I have been thru therapy, I still go...but

there is a void that I live with...the void of not being free in my own world.

I hope to G-d, that one day, I will break free from my open cage, and feel free

in my own thoughts. My therapist compares me to prisoners who have been stripped

of their identities.

So crazy and sad...I feel like I have been sacrificed in my lifetime.

Amy