How can you tell when a BPD person is having a marital affair?

[Guest guest]

My dad gets really obsessed with people. Back in 2007 he was sneaking off and

talking to this 24 year old girl (I was 22 at the time), and took all of these

secret trips with her and claims nothing physical ever happened. Now, he's

obsessed with this 25-year-old personal trainer of his (I'm 26 years old), and

they spend 5-6 hours at a time " at the gym " several days a week. After they work

out my dad takes her to lunch and pays for it... every single time. Then the

other night she calls him drunk and stranded at a parking garage near a bar, and

says she can't find her car and asks him to come pick her up and take her to her

boyfriends house. He drives over there at 1:45am and takes her home. So the

next day I asked where was she at, and apparently she was at this place that's

about a 20 minute drive. Well with round trip time that's 40 minutes, and an

extra 10 minutes to take her home... so an hour at the most. He was gone 1.5

hours. I asked him what he was doing for an hour and a half and how did he

spend that extra 30 minutes. He had this look of pure shock on his face like

" Oh CRAP! How did she find out?? "

How can you tell if he's just doing the BPD obsession thing? Or if he's

actually physically cheating on my mother?

Even if its a guaranteed yes, I still don't think my mom would do anything. He

had " an emotional affair " before, which he admits to... and nothing happened.

*sigh* I really need to get out of their house...

[Guest guest]

I agree with you: by living with your parents, you are becoming enmeshed with

them emotionally in an unhealthy way. Their marriage relationship is their

business, its not healthy for you to be wondering about and worrying about how

they are interacting with each other, such as speculating over whether either of

them is cheating on the other or not. They are adults; its their responsibility

to handle their relationship with each other, not yours.

-Annie

>

> My dad gets really obsessed with people. Back in 2007 he was sneaking off and

talking to this 24 year old girl (I was 22 at the time), and took all of these

secret trips with her and claims nothing physical ever happened. Now, he's

obsessed with this 25-year-old personal trainer of his (I'm 26 years old), and

they spend 5-6 hours at a time " at the gym " several days a week. After they work

out my dad takes her to lunch and pays for it... every single time. Then the

other night she calls him drunk and stranded at a parking garage near a bar, and

says she can't find her car and asks him to come pick her up and take her to her

boyfriends house. He drives over there at 1:45am and takes her home. So the

next day I asked where was she at, and apparently she was at this place that's

about a 20 minute drive. Well with round trip time that's 40 minutes, and an

extra 10 minutes to take her home... so an hour at the most. He was gone 1.5

hours. I asked him what he was doing for an hour and a half and how did he

spend that extra 30 minutes. He had this look of pure shock on his face like

" Oh CRAP! How did she find out?? "

>

> How can you tell if he's just doing the BPD obsession thing? Or if he's

actually physically cheating on my mother?

>

> Even if its a guaranteed yes, I still don't think my mom would do anything.

He had " an emotional affair " before, which he admits to... and nothing happened.

>

> *sigh* I really need to get out of their house...

>

[Guest guest]

Yea, you are right Annie. I think I've heard it SO many times that their

relationship problems are my fault, that I've grown up always holding

responsibility for it. At 13, my dad came and asked me for permission to

divorce my mom and I told him it was his decision, and then my mother screamed

at me saying I was trying to break them up. If they fight, they blame me. Even

though I'm nearly 27 years old, they still blame me practically every time they

fight or have an argument.

You are right. I need to get that out of my head that I'm responsible for their

marriage working out. I'm tired of being the parent, the family therapist, the

mediator, the scape goat, the chef, the maid, the person who takes care of their

dog, etc.

> >

> > My dad gets really obsessed with people. Back in 2007 he was sneaking off

and talking to this 24 year old girl (I was 22 at the time), and took all of

these secret trips with her and claims nothing physical ever happened. Now,

he's obsessed with this 25-year-old personal trainer of his (I'm 26 years old),

and they spend 5-6 hours at a time " at the gym " several days a week. After they

work out my dad takes her to lunch and pays for it... every single time. Then

the other night she calls him drunk and stranded at a parking garage near a bar,

and says she can't find her car and asks him to come pick her up and take her to

her boyfriends house. He drives over there at 1:45am and takes her home. So

the next day I asked where was she at, and apparently she was at this place

that's about a 20 minute drive. Well with round trip time that's 40 minutes,

and an extra 10 minutes to take her home... so an hour at the most. He was gone

1.5 hours. I asked him what he was doing for an hour and a half and how did he

spend that extra 30 minutes. He had this look of pure shock on his face like

" Oh CRAP! How did she find out?? "

> >

> > How can you tell if he's just doing the BPD obsession thing? Or if he's

actually physically cheating on my mother?

> >

> > Even if its a guaranteed yes, I still don't think my mom would do anything.

He had " an emotional affair " before, which he admits to... and nothing happened.

> >

> > *sigh* I really need to get out of their house...

> >

>

[Guest guest]

That was wrong of your parents to " parentify " you in that way, making you

responsible for their feelings and their relationship. Very abusive of them.

They aren't capable of change (or, its highly unlikely that they can change)

but you can un-enmesh yourself because you have insight and don't have a pd.

Have you read any books about overcoming co-dependence? That might give you

even more insight about how to become more detached from inappropriate feelings

of responsibility and guilt over your parents' relationship with each other.

-Annie

> > >

> > > My dad gets really obsessed with people. Back in 2007 he was sneaking off

and talking to this 24 year old girl (I was 22 at the time), and took all of

these secret trips with her and claims nothing physical ever happened. Now,

he's obsessed with this 25-year-old personal trainer of his (I'm 26 years old),

and they spend 5-6 hours at a time " at the gym " several days a week. After they

work out my dad takes her to lunch and pays for it... every single time. Then

the other night she calls him drunk and stranded at a parking garage near a bar,

and says she can't find her car and asks him to come pick her up and take her to

her boyfriends house. He drives over there at 1:45am and takes her home. So

the next day I asked where was she at, and apparently she was at this place

that's about a 20 minute drive. Well with round trip time that's 40 minutes,

and an extra 10 minutes to take her home... so an hour at the most. He was gone

1.5 hours. I asked him what he was doing for an hour and a half and how did he

spend that extra 30 minutes. He had this look of pure shock on his face like

" Oh CRAP! How did she find out?? "

> > >

> > > How can you tell if he's just doing the BPD obsession thing? Or if he's

actually physically cheating on my mother?

> > >

> > > Even if its a guaranteed yes, I still don't think my mom would do

anything. He had " an emotional affair " before, which he admits to... and

nothing happened.

> > >

> > > *sigh* I really need to get out of their house...

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, you do. You might want to consider not asking dad about his rendezvous

anymore, but I can understand it could be hard when you're under the same roof.

>

> My dad gets really obsessed with people. Back in 2007 he was sneaking off and

talking to this 24 year old girl (I was 22 at the time), and took all of these

secret trips with her and claims nothing physical ever happened. Now, he's

obsessed with this 25-year-old personal trainer of his (I'm 26 years old), and

they spend 5-6 hours at a time " at the gym " several days a week. After they work

out my dad takes her to lunch and pays for it... every single time. Then the

other night she calls him drunk and stranded at a parking garage near a bar, and

says she can't find her car and asks him to come pick her up and take her to her

boyfriends house. He drives over there at 1:45am and takes her home. So the

next day I asked where was she at, and apparently she was at this place that's

about a 20 minute drive. Well with round trip time that's 40 minutes, and an

extra 10 minutes to take her home... so an hour at the most. He was gone 1.5

hours. I asked him what he was doing for an hour and a half and how did he

spend that extra 30 minutes. He had this look of pure shock on his face like

" Oh CRAP! How did she find out?? "

>

> How can you tell if he's just doing the BPD obsession thing? Or if he's

actually physically cheating on my mother?

>

> Even if its a guaranteed yes, I still don't think my mom would do anything.

He had " an emotional affair " before, which he admits to... and nothing happened.

>

> *sigh* I really need to get out of their house...

>

[Guest guest]

I'm reading one now called " Children of the Self-Absorbed " and its sort of

helping. It's difficult to read because it makes me feel like I'm making more

of my life about them when I read it, but its made me realize how severe their

actions actually are. My mother doesn't have a personality disorder, but she

was extremely abusive when I was a kid... granted she's mellowed out but she's

still pretty selfish. I still get blamed for everything, criticizes me a lot,

she doesn't care to know anything about me, and so forth.

My problem is self-sufficiency, which is why I still live here. I've got a plan

that might work but unfortunately, it'll probably take another year before I'd

be somewhat ready to partially rely on that source of income.

> > > >

> > > > My dad gets really obsessed with people. Back in 2007 he was sneaking

off and talking to this 24 year old girl (I was 22 at the time), and took all of

these secret trips with her and claims nothing physical ever happened. Now,

he's obsessed with this 25-year-old personal trainer of his (I'm 26 years old),

and they spend 5-6 hours at a time " at the gym " several days a week. After they

work out my dad takes her to lunch and pays for it... every single time. Then

the other night she calls him drunk and stranded at a parking garage near a bar,

and says she can't find her car and asks him to come pick her up and take her to

her boyfriends house. He drives over there at 1:45am and takes her home. So

the next day I asked where was she at, and apparently she was at this place

that's about a 20 minute drive. Well with round trip time that's 40 minutes,

and an extra 10 minutes to take her home... so an hour at the most. He was gone

1.5 hours. I asked him what he was doing for an hour and a half and how did he

spend that extra 30 minutes. He had this look of pure shock on his face like

" Oh CRAP! How did she find out?? "

> > > >

> > > > How can you tell if he's just doing the BPD obsession thing? Or if he's

actually physically cheating on my mother?

> > > >

> > > > Even if its a guaranteed yes, I still don't think my mom would do

anything. He had " an emotional affair " before, which he admits to... and

nothing happened.

> > > >

> > > > *sigh* I really need to get out of their house...

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Do you have any other book recommendations?

> > > >

> > > > My dad gets really obsessed with people. Back in 2007 he was sneaking

off and talking to this 24 year old girl (I was 22 at the time), and took all of

these secret trips with her and claims nothing physical ever happened. Now,

he's obsessed with this 25-year-old personal trainer of his (I'm 26 years old),

and they spend 5-6 hours at a time " at the gym " several days a week. After they

work out my dad takes her to lunch and pays for it... every single time. Then

the other night she calls him drunk and stranded at a parking garage near a bar,

and says she can't find her car and asks him to come pick her up and take her to

her boyfriends house. He drives over there at 1:45am and takes her home. So

the next day I asked where was she at, and apparently she was at this place

that's about a 20 minute drive. Well with round trip time that's 40 minutes,

and an extra 10 minutes to take her home... so an hour at the most. He was gone

1.5 hours. I asked him what he was doing for an hour and a half and how did he

spend that extra 30 minutes. He had this look of pure shock on his face like

" Oh CRAP! How did she find out?? "

> > > >

> > > > How can you tell if he's just doing the BPD obsession thing? Or if he's

actually physically cheating on my mother?

> > > >

> > > > Even if its a guaranteed yes, I still don't think my mom would do

anything. He had " an emotional affair " before, which he admits to... and

nothing happened.

> > > >

> > > > *sigh* I really need to get out of their house...

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I think your last sentence says it all - you really need to get

out of their house.

I don't think you should concern yourself with whether he is

having an affair or not. That's your mother's place. If she

doesn't want to do anything about it, that's her problem to

handle, not yours. They are adults and responsible for their own

relationship. What would you do if you found out for sure that

he was having an affair? Do you really want to be in the

position of having to tell your mother? Isn't she already aware

of his daily behavior and that he went out to pick this woman up

in the middle of the night? As I've mentioned here before, I

got put in the pushed into having to tell my father that my nada

was having an affair when I was about 16. The circumstances were

different - she wasn't trying to hide it from me and got to the

point where she wanted him to know so she used me to avoid

having to tell him herself - but I can't imagine any set of

circumstances where having to tell one parent that the other is

having an affair would not be distressing. In some ways, that's

the worst thing she did to me when I was growing up.

By the way, I can think of several explanations for why he was

gone an extra half hour that don't involve an affair, so I

wouldn't assume that's the explanation even if it seems likely

that it is. Dealing with drunk people can take a lot more time

than doing the same thing with someone who is sober.

At 12:31 PM 08/01/2011 sweetsoulmusic09 wrote:

>My dad gets really obsessed with people. Back in 2007 he was

>sneaking off and talking to this 24 year old girl (I was 22 at

>the time), and took all of these secret trips with her and

>claims nothing physical ever happened. Now, he's obsessed with

>this 25-year-old personal trainer of his (I'm 26 years old),

>and they spend 5-6 hours at a time " at the gym " several days a

>week. After they work out my dad takes her to lunch and pays

>for it... every single time. Then the other night she calls

>him drunk and stranded at a parking garage near a bar, and says

>she can't find her car and asks him to come pick her up and

>take her to her boyfriends house. He drives over there at

>1:45am and takes her home. So the next day I asked where was

>she at, and apparently she was at this place that's about a 20

>minute drive. Well with round trip time that's 40 minutes, and

>an extra 10 minutes to take her home... so an hour at the

>most. He was gone 1.5 hours. I asked him what he was doing

>for an hour and a half and how did he spend that extra 30

>minutes. He had this look of pure shock on his face like " Oh

>CRAP! How did she find out?? "

>

>How can you tell if he's just doing the BPD obsession

>thing? Or if he's actually physically cheating on my mother?

>

>Even if its a guaranteed yes, I still don't think my mom would

>do anything. He had " an emotional affair " before, which he

>admits to... and nothing happened.

>

>*sigh* I really need to get out of their house...

>

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

The book that had the most impact on me is " Understanding The Borderline

Mother. " I've seen " Surviving A Borderline Parent " recommended here. Randi

Kreger's " Stop Walking On Eggshells " and her more recent book is good about how

to create boundaries and how to word communications with the bpds in your life.

-Annie

> > > > >

> > > > > My dad gets really obsessed with people. Back in 2007 he was sneaking

off and talking to this 24 year old girl (I was 22 at the time), and took all of

these secret trips with her and claims nothing physical ever happened. Now,

he's obsessed with this 25-year-old personal trainer of his (I'm 26 years old),

and they spend 5-6 hours at a time " at the gym " several days a week. After they

work out my dad takes her to lunch and pays for it... every single time. Then

the other night she calls him drunk and stranded at a parking garage near a bar,

and says she can't find her car and asks him to come pick her up and take her to

her boyfriends house. He drives over there at 1:45am and takes her home. So

the next day I asked where was she at, and apparently she was at this place

that's about a 20 minute drive. Well with round trip time that's 40 minutes,

and an extra 10 minutes to take her home... so an hour at the most. He was gone

1.5 hours. I asked him what he was doing for an hour and a half and how did he

spend that extra 30 minutes. He had this look of pure shock on his face like

" Oh CRAP! How did she find out?? "

> > > > >

> > > > > How can you tell if he's just doing the BPD obsession thing? Or if

he's actually physically cheating on my mother?

> > > > >

> > > > > Even if its a guaranteed yes, I still don't think my mom would do

anything. He had " an emotional affair " before, which he admits to... and

nothing happened.

> > > > >

> > > > > *sigh* I really need to get out of their house...

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I've read the surviving a BPD parent one, I will have to check out the other

two. Thanks!

> > > > > >

> > > > > > My dad gets really obsessed with people. Back in 2007 he was

sneaking off and talking to this 24 year old girl (I was 22 at the time), and

took all of these secret trips with her and claims nothing physical ever

happened. Now, he's obsessed with this 25-year-old personal trainer of his (I'm

26 years old), and they spend 5-6 hours at a time " at the gym " several days a

week. After they work out my dad takes her to lunch and pays for it... every

single time. Then the other night she calls him drunk and stranded at a parking

garage near a bar, and says she can't find her car and asks him to come pick her

up and take her to her boyfriends house. He drives over there at 1:45am and

takes her home. So the next day I asked where was she at, and apparently she

was at this place that's about a 20 minute drive. Well with round trip time

that's 40 minutes, and an extra 10 minutes to take her home... so an hour at the

most. He was gone 1.5 hours. I asked him what he was doing for an hour and a

half and how did he spend that extra 30 minutes. He had this look of pure shock

on his face like " Oh CRAP! How did she find out?? "

> > > > > >

> > > > > > How can you tell if he's just doing the BPD obsession thing? Or if

he's actually physically cheating on my mother?

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Even if its a guaranteed yes, I still don't think my mom would do

anything. He had " an emotional affair " before, which he admits to... and

nothing happened.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > *sigh* I really need to get out of their house...

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

The main issue for me is that I work 40 hours a week for $10 an hour from home.

Unfortunately, even though I've been with them for 2 years, they have been on a

wage freeze and refuse to give me a raise. I've tried looking for work

elsewhere, but the money I save working at home equals what I would make if I

had to commute somewhere else for $12 an hour. Even in Texas with no income

tax, $10 an hour is just nowhere near enough to survive on.

I've been thinking of ways to work part-time and boost my monthly income up, so

that I can boost my current $1350 a month to $2400 a month. Very difficult

though.

Feels like I'm always going to be stuck here. It's extremely hard not to get

sucked into their problems. My two 12-year-old cousins spent the last week here

and even they got completely sucked in. They would hide out in my room with me

(where I was working) while my parents fought. They both said every single day

they were here, and this doesn't happen anywhere else, they had a sick feeling

in their stomach like something bad is about to happen. My dad made my mom cry

in front of them, they would yell at each other in front of them, etc.

You are right though. No matter if I prove it or not, no one is going to do

anything about it. They both can't survive without each other.

I know that half hour doesn't mean affair. I was wondering until I asked him

about it and his face looked like he had seen a ghost. He's hiding something!

> >My dad gets really obsessed with people. Back in 2007 he was

> >sneaking off and talking to this 24 year old girl (I was 22 at

> >the time), and took all of these secret trips with her and

> >claims nothing physical ever happened. Now, he's obsessed with

> >this 25-year-old personal trainer of his (I'm 26 years old),

> >and they spend 5-6 hours at a time " at the gym " several days a

> >week. After they work out my dad takes her to lunch and pays

> >for it... every single time. Then the other night she calls

> >him drunk and stranded at a parking garage near a bar, and says

> >she can't find her car and asks him to come pick her up and

> >take her to her boyfriends house. He drives over there at

> >1:45am and takes her home. So the next day I asked where was

> >she at, and apparently she was at this place that's about a 20

> >minute drive. Well with round trip time that's 40 minutes, and

> >an extra 10 minutes to take her home... so an hour at the

> >most. He was gone 1.5 hours. I asked him what he was doing

> >for an hour and a half and how did he spend that extra 30

> >minutes. He had this look of pure shock on his face like " Oh

> >CRAP! How did she find out?? "

> >

> >How can you tell if he's just doing the BPD obsession

> >thing? Or if he's actually physically cheating on my mother?

> >

> >Even if its a guaranteed yes, I still don't think my mom would

> >do anything. He had " an emotional affair " before, which he

> >admits to... and nothing happened.

> >

> >*sigh* I really need to get out of their house...

> >

>

> --

> Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

Sometimes I think they act like they're hiding something even

when there is nothing to hide just because their emotions are so

screwed up. My nada sometimes acts like she expects me to be

upset over things that are perfectly normal and unupsetting

while not understanding why I get upset at the truly dreadful

things she does.

Is there any possibility that you could find a house-sharing

situation that you could afford?

At 04:03 PM 08/01/2011 sweetsoulmusic09 wrote:

>The main issue for me is that I work 40 hours a week for $10 an

>hour from home. Unfortunately, even though I've been with them

>for 2 years, they have been on a wage freeze and refuse to give

>me a raise. I've tried looking for work elsewhere, but the

>money I save working at home equals what I would make if I had

>to commute somewhere else for $12 an hour. Even in Texas with

>no income tax, $10 an hour is just nowhere near enough to

>survive on.

>

>I've been thinking of ways to work part-time and boost my

>monthly income up, so that I can boost my current $1350 a month

>to $2400 a month. Very difficult though.

>

>Feels like I'm always going to be stuck here. It's extremely

>hard not to get sucked into their problems. My two 12-year-old

>cousins spent the last week here and even they got completely

>sucked in. They would hide out in my room with me (where I was

>working) while my parents fought. They both said every single

>day they were here, and this doesn't happen anywhere else, they

>had a sick feeling in their stomach like something bad is about

>to happen. My dad made my mom cry in front of them, they would

>yell at each other in front of them, etc.

>

>You are right though. No matter if I prove it or not, no one

>is going to do anything about it. They both can't survive

>without each other.

>

>I know that half hour doesn't mean affair. I was wondering

>until I asked him about it and his face looked like he had seen

>a ghost. He's hiding something!

--

Katrina