Hello from a New Member- Venting and Denial

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone,

My name is . The past few months I have been seeing a therapist for

multiple reasons, mostly because of unresolved issues with my mother. During

time I was dealing with the worst anxiety I had ever experience and was dealing

with getting over daily panic attacks. I had never had anxiety that bad in my

life. (Looking back I think it was triggered from feeling feelings of being

trapped and helpless- similar to how I felt growing up in a house with just my

mother).

During the last session I asked her what she thought could be wrong with my

mother. She described the symptoms of BPD. 95% of what she described matched my

mother's behavior. I knew starting when I was 18 something was wrong but I never

knew what. It was a great relief finally having an explanation for what was

wrong with her and the way she has acted. Finding this forum has been

incredible. Reading all of your similar experiences has been so validating. I

used to frequently wonder if I was the crazy one. The past 2 years I'd gotten

over that feeling as the abuse and situations got so intense there was no way a

sane person would behave the way she did. But still, reading all the posts

brings back similar emotions. How nice it would have been to have had the forum

when going through it all?

I would love to vent a bit and get some of the many things she's done off my

chest. I have talked them through with many friends but I don't think they could

ever get it quite as much as you could.

When I went to college she refused to fill out forms for financial aid. That was

not how she did it and not how we would do it " taking money from the

government " . My dad paid $10,000 a year in child support which my mom refused to

put towards my tuition. I spent the second semester crying everyday because she

wouldnt pay my tuition and I had no way to take out loans if she did not fill

out the forms. She also would not answer any of my phone calls. This all

resulted with me having to leave behind my academic scholarships at Temple

University in Philadelphia to move in with my dad in south florida and attend a

community college. This was so my dad and I could take my mother to court to

stop payment on the child support.

After a semester in Florida, I again moved out. Things didn't work out with my

stepmom who resented me ruining her perfect family picture (my dad has a thing

for strong controlling borderline abusive women- she called me a spoiled little

bitch one night and I was expected to apoligize for it. One day I " loaded the

dishwasher wrong " and got yelled at by her. etc. etc.) It was hell living there.

I hid in my room trying to stay away from her. I was desperate to get back to

Philly. While fighting to get my scholarship back my mom agreed to let me

potentially move in with her for the next semester while I established residency

in PA. I reluctantly agreed- the evil you know is better than the evil you don't

know sort of situation. A week before my flight to Philadelphia, I met up with

my friend and his family who were vacationing in FL. My stuff was in the back of

my friends jeep- he had agreed to drive it North for me (thank god for my

amazing friends). During a conversation with my mother we disagreed on

something. I eventually hung up the phone in the middle of her rant. She left a

message on my phone (didn't call it- she ALWAYS does this thing with her phone

where you leave a message on someone's phone without it ringing) saying that I

was disrespectful and could not come live with her. She left me homeless. I had

moved out of my dad's house. He was upset with me for leaving. My stepmom hated

me (still does). I had quit my job in FL, left with all my boxes, and had a

flight in 4 days and no where to go. I broke down. It was terrible. I still

can't believe she did that to me.

Last Christmas she drove to Philly so we could go out to eat. While paying for

parking, she insisted we only pay for 1 hour at $2. I tried to make a case for a

2 hour ticket at $4. She couldnt figure out how to work the machine so I was

doing it for her. I finally agreed to purchase an hour ticket. Only problem was,

I accidentily hit accept for 2 hours, the default. She started screaming at me

in the middle of street about how disrespectful I am of her money and have no

idea of the value of the dollar. I told her it was an accident and I would give

her the two dollars but that didn't matter. I had to go for a walk int he

freezing cold before going to the restaurant where she made me cry some more

over it.

Since she moved out of the town I grew up in in high school, I have no idea

where she has been living. She's moved atleast 3 times. I only have PO Box

address. Apparently she's been unemployed all this time as well. I don't know

how she supports herself.

There is so much more but those are a few examples. Right now she is in a not

speaking to me phase. She will go a month or so at a time without returning any

of my phone calls. After I confronted her about it she said it was because she

was busy and sick, and i should have left messages ( I must have left 10+

messages that month and called 20+ times). If it wasnt for her history I would

have been calling hospitals. She has no one else, no boyfriend, no roommate, no

husband, and apparently no health insurance but struggles random with an unnamed

illness that makes her tired and dizzy.

The whole thing is just frustrating. She will be in my life for a few weeks and

be generally supportive and happy but then either dissapear and stop taking my

calls or flip out about something minor and then pretend it didnt happen.

I am getting better with coping with it. Thankfully I am not dependent on her at

all for anything so I don't have to take her crap. The fact that she is my mom

and is helping me pay for school is what keeps me talking to her. But sometimes

I wonder if it is worth it. IT's an endless cycle and I want there to be an end.

She is in complete denial that ANYTHING she does is wrong. She has a strong

disdain for psychology and therapy so would never go see one. How can I make her

see what she says and does effects me?

[Guest guest]

Welcome to the Group, . This is indeed a great place to vent about having

a bpd parent; there is something very healing about being validated by those who

understand what you have experienced. Something about realizing that you aren't

the only person who has been treated that way, that its not you, its because

your parent(s) are mentally ill, is very, very validating.

As you learn more about borderline pd (and the other Cluster B personality

disorders) you will come to understand and accept that its not very likely that

your mother is capable of (or willing to) understand that how she behaves toward

you is very hurtful.

All you can do, all you have the power to do, is to decide how you, yourself,

will react to the way she treats you. You have the power to set boundaries for

yourself regarding what you will and will not tolerate, and you have the power

to enforce them. You can become self-validating, and not judge your worth or

value based on how your mother feels about you and treats you.

My own guess (I am not a psychologist, this is just my opinion) is that your

mother probably has a lot of narcissistic pd traits as well, because she has

that pattern of rejecting you, over and over. Her life is all about her: her

needs, her feelings, and she's willing to throw you under the bus if you are not

meeting her needs. You have value to her only so long as she has total control

of you and you are meeting her needs, otherwise she has no use for you.

That is a hard thing to come to terms with.

So, my suggestion is that you read all you can about borderline pd. Education

is power, and empowering. I recommend " Understanding The Borderline Mother "

(but be warned: has deep emotional impact) and " Surviving A Borderline Parent. "

Also books about narcissistic mothers, like " Will I Ever Be Good Enough " , and

" Toxic Parents. " There is an extensive reading list at the home site of this

Group, at BPDCentral.com.

Welcome to the Group.

-Annie

>

> Hi everyone,

> My name is . The past few months I have been seeing a therapist for

multiple reasons, mostly because of unresolved issues with my mother. During

time I was dealing with the worst anxiety I had ever experience and was dealing

with getting over daily panic attacks. I had never had anxiety that bad in my

life. (Looking back I think it was triggered from feeling feelings of being

trapped and helpless- similar to how I felt growing up in a house with just my

mother).

> During the last session I asked her what she thought could be wrong with my

mother. She described the symptoms of BPD. 95% of what she described matched my

mother's behavior. I knew starting when I was 18 something was wrong but I never

knew what. It was a great relief finally having an explanation for what was

wrong with her and the way she has acted. Finding this forum has been

incredible. Reading all of your similar experiences has been so validating. I

used to frequently wonder if I was the crazy one. The past 2 years I'd gotten

over that feeling as the abuse and situations got so intense there was no way a

sane person would behave the way she did. But still, reading all the posts

brings back similar emotions. How nice it would have been to have had the forum

when going through it all?

> I would love to vent a bit and get some of the many things she's done off my

chest. I have talked them through with many friends but I don't think they could

ever get it quite as much as you could.

>

>

> When I went to college she refused to fill out forms for financial aid. That

was not how she did it and not how we would do it " taking money from the

government " . My dad paid $10,000 a year in child support which my mom refused to

put towards my tuition. I spent the second semester crying everyday because she

wouldnt pay my tuition and I had no way to take out loans if she did not fill

out the forms. She also would not answer any of my phone calls. This all

resulted with me having to leave behind my academic scholarships at Temple

University in Philadelphia to move in with my dad in south florida and attend a

community college. This was so my dad and I could take my mother to court to

stop payment on the child support.

>

> After a semester in Florida, I again moved out. Things didn't work out with my

stepmom who resented me ruining her perfect family picture (my dad has a thing

for strong controlling borderline abusive women- she called me a spoiled little

bitch one night and I was expected to apoligize for it. One day I " loaded the

dishwasher wrong " and got yelled at by her. etc. etc.) It was hell living there.

I hid in my room trying to stay away from her. I was desperate to get back to

Philly. While fighting to get my scholarship back my mom agreed to let me

potentially move in with her for the next semester while I established residency

in PA. I reluctantly agreed- the evil you know is better than the evil you don't

know sort of situation. A week before my flight to Philadelphia, I met up with

my friend and his family who were vacationing in FL. My stuff was in the back of

my friends jeep- he had agreed to drive it North for me (thank god for my

amazing friends). During a conversation with my mother we disagreed on

something. I eventually hung up the phone in the middle of her rant. She left a

message on my phone (didn't call it- she ALWAYS does this thing with her phone

where you leave a message on someone's phone without it ringing) saying that I

was disrespectful and could not come live with her. She left me homeless. I had

moved out of my dad's house. He was upset with me for leaving. My stepmom hated

me (still does). I had quit my job in FL, left with all my boxes, and had a

flight in 4 days and no where to go. I broke down. It was terrible. I still

can't believe she did that to me.

>

> Last Christmas she drove to Philly so we could go out to eat. While paying for

parking, she insisted we only pay for 1 hour at $2. I tried to make a case for a

2 hour ticket at $4. She couldnt figure out how to work the machine so I was

doing it for her. I finally agreed to purchase an hour ticket. Only problem was,

I accidentily hit accept for 2 hours, the default. She started screaming at me

in the middle of street about how disrespectful I am of her money and have no

idea of the value of the dollar. I told her it was an accident and I would give

her the two dollars but that didn't matter. I had to go for a walk int he

freezing cold before going to the restaurant where she made me cry some more

over it.

>

> Since she moved out of the town I grew up in in high school, I have no idea

where she has been living. She's moved atleast 3 times. I only have PO Box

address. Apparently she's been unemployed all this time as well. I don't know

how she supports herself.

>

> There is so much more but those are a few examples. Right now she is in a not

speaking to me phase. She will go a month or so at a time without returning any

of my phone calls. After I confronted her about it she said it was because she

was busy and sick, and i should have left messages ( I must have left 10+

messages that month and called 20+ times). If it wasnt for her history I would

have been calling hospitals. She has no one else, no boyfriend, no roommate, no

husband, and apparently no health insurance but struggles random with an unnamed

illness that makes her tired and dizzy.

>

> The whole thing is just frustrating. She will be in my life for a few weeks

and be generally supportive and happy but then either dissapear and stop taking

my calls or flip out about something minor and then pretend it didnt happen.

> I am getting better with coping with it. Thankfully I am not dependent on her

at all for anything so I don't have to take her crap. The fact that she is my

mom and is helping me pay for school is what keeps me talking to her. But

sometimes I wonder if it is worth it. IT's an endless cycle and I want there to

be an end.

>

> She is in complete denial that ANYTHING she does is wrong. She has a strong

disdain for psychology and therapy so would never go see one. How can I make her

see what she says and does effects me?

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome, .

Sorry your mom is so dysfunctional. It is hard being a college student and

dealing with this.

I was very backward and afraid of the world at 18. I had been told my whole life

that I was to go to college b my dad. When I graduated HS, there was no $$ put

by for my college. My mother refused to fill out the FAFSA because she was

suspicious of giving out any financial data. When she finally filled it out, I

am sure she over estimated their self worth and income because she wanted to be

judged as upper middle class. Oy! needless to say, I got nothing from anywhere,

my dad was laid off from his job of 15 years and I couldn't afford even

community college. There was no way she was going to let me move to a dorm

somewhere.

You need to feel safe. You sound like you are suffering PTSD from growing up

with your mom. This is not uncommon.

>

> Hi everyone,

> My name is . The past few months I have been seeing a therapist for

multiple reasons, mostly because of unresolved issues with my mother. During

time I was dealing with the worst anxiety I had ever experience and was dealing

with getting over daily panic attacks. I had never had anxiety that bad in my

life. (Looking back I think it was triggered from feeling feelings of being

trapped and helpless- similar to how I felt growing up in a house with just my

mother).

> During the last session I asked her what she thought could be wrong with my

mother. She described the symptoms of BPD. 95% of what she described matched my

mother's behavior. I knew starting when I was 18 something was wrong but I never

knew what. It was a great relief finally having an explanation for what was

wrong with her and the way she has acted. Finding this forum has been

incredible. Reading all of your similar experiences has been so validating. I

used to frequently wonder if I was the crazy one. The past 2 years I'd gotten

over that feeling as the abuse and situations got so intense there was no way a

sane person would behave the way she did. But still, reading all the posts

brings back similar emotions. How nice it would have been to have had the forum

when going through it all?

> I would love to vent a bit and get some of the many things she's done off my

chest. I have talked them through with many friends but I don't think they could

ever get it quite as much as you could.

>

>

> When I went to college she refused to fill out forms for financial aid. That

was not how she did it and not how we would do it " taking money from the

government " . My dad paid $10,000 a year in child support which my mom refused to

put towards my tuition. I spent the second semester crying everyday because she

wouldnt pay my tuition and I had no way to take out loans if she did not fill

out the forms. She also would not answer any of my phone calls. This all

resulted with me having to leave behind my academic scholarships at Temple

University in Philadelphia to move in with my dad in south florida and attend a

community college. This was so my dad and I could take my mother to court to

stop payment on the child support.

>

> After a semester in Florida, I again moved out. Things didn't work out with my

stepmom who resented me ruining her perfect family picture (my dad has a thing

for strong controlling borderline abusive women- she called me a spoiled little

bitch one night and I was expected to apoligize for it. One day I " loaded the

dishwasher wrong " and got yelled at by her. etc. etc.) It was hell living there.

I hid in my room trying to stay away from her. I was desperate to get back to

Philly. While fighting to get my scholarship back my mom agreed to let me

potentially move in with her for the next semester while I established residency

in PA. I reluctantly agreed- the evil you know is better than the evil you don't

know sort of situation. A week before my flight to Philadelphia, I met up with

my friend and his family who were vacationing in FL. My stuff was in the back of

my friends jeep- he had agreed to drive it North for me (thank god for my

amazing friends). During a conversation with my mother we disagreed on

something. I eventually hung up the phone in the middle of her rant. She left a

message on my phone (didn't call it- she ALWAYS does this thing with her phone

where you leave a message on someone's phone without it ringing) saying that I

was disrespectful and could not come live with her. She left me homeless. I had

moved out of my dad's house. He was upset with me for leaving. My stepmom hated

me (still does). I had quit my job in FL, left with all my boxes, and had a

flight in 4 days and no where to go. I broke down. It was terrible. I still

can't believe she did that to me.

>

> Last Christmas she drove to Philly so we could go out to eat. While paying for

parking, she insisted we only pay for 1 hour at $2. I tried to make a case for a

2 hour ticket at $4. She couldnt figure out how to work the machine so I was

doing it for her. I finally agreed to purchase an hour ticket. Only problem was,

I accidentily hit accept for 2 hours, the default. She started screaming at me

in the middle of street about how disrespectful I am of her money and have no

idea of the value of the dollar. I told her it was an accident and I would give

her the two dollars but that didn't matter. I had to go for a walk int he

freezing cold before going to the restaurant where she made me cry some more

over it.

>

> Since she moved out of the town I grew up in in high school, I have no idea

where she has been living. She's moved atleast 3 times. I only have PO Box

address. Apparently she's been unemployed all this time as well. I don't know

how she supports herself.

>

> There is so much more but those are a few examples. Right now she is in a not

speaking to me phase. She will go a month or so at a time without returning any

of my phone calls. After I confronted her about it she said it was because she

was busy and sick, and i should have left messages ( I must have left 10+

messages that month and called 20+ times). If it wasnt for her history I would

have been calling hospitals. She has no one else, no boyfriend, no roommate, no

husband, and apparently no health insurance but struggles random with an unnamed

illness that makes her tired and dizzy.

>

> The whole thing is just frustrating. She will be in my life for a few weeks

and be generally supportive and happy but then either dissapear and stop taking

my calls or flip out about something minor and then pretend it didnt happen.

> I am getting better with coping with it. Thankfully I am not dependent on her

at all for anything so I don't have to take her crap. The fact that she is my

mom and is helping me pay for school is what keeps me talking to her. But

sometimes I wonder if it is worth it. IT's an endless cycle and I want there to

be an end.

>

> She is in complete denial that ANYTHING she does is wrong. She has a strong

disdain for psychology and therapy so would never go see one. How can I make her

see what she says and does effects me?

>

[Guest guest]

Hi and thanks for the welcome!

That is terrible. I can relate so much to that story. I really felt like I was

the only person going through that- it made no sense to me why that would be

happening and what parent would want to do that to their children. I'm glad you

made it through.

I've always had some slight anxiety and had two or three panic attacks in my

teenage years but never anything as extreme as in I was experiencing 6 months

ago.

I guess my question is, is there a way to make her see the hurt she's caused?

All i really want is some validation and apoligy for the hurt she's caused. I

don't think I'll get it. I'm pretty sure that is the big downfall of the disease

and point of this group.

Many people have spoken about their BPD parents going into therapy. I know my

mom would never because of her distrust of the psychological community. Is there

a way to change this to begin to repair our relationship?

> >

> > Hi everyone,

> > My name is . The past few months I have been seeing a therapist for

multiple reasons, mostly because of unresolved issues with my mother. During

time I was dealing with the worst anxiety I had ever experience and was dealing

with getting over daily panic attacks. I had never had anxiety that bad in my

life. (Looking back I think it was triggered from feeling feelings of being

trapped and helpless- similar to how I felt growing up in a house with just my

mother).

> > During the last session I asked her what she thought could be wrong with my

mother. She described the symptoms of BPD. 95% of what she described matched my

mother's behavior. I knew starting when I was 18 something was wrong but I never

knew what. It was a great relief finally having an explanation for what was

wrong with her and the way she has acted. Finding this forum has been

incredible. Reading all of your similar experiences has been so validating. I

used to frequently wonder if I was the crazy one. The past 2 years I'd gotten

over that feeling as the abuse and situations got so intense there was no way a

sane person would behave the way she did. But still, reading all the posts

brings back similar emotions. How nice it would have been to have had the forum

when going through it all?

> > I would love to vent a bit and get some of the many things she's done off my

chest. I have talked them through with many friends but I don't think they could

ever get it quite as much as you could.

> >

> >

> > When I went to college she refused to fill out forms for financial aid. That

was not how she did it and not how we would do it " taking money from the

government " . My dad paid $10,000 a year in child support which my mom refused to

put towards my tuition. I spent the second semester crying everyday because she

wouldnt pay my tuition and I had no way to take out loans if she did not fill

out the forms. She also would not answer any of my phone calls. This all

resulted with me having to leave behind my academic scholarships at Temple

University in Philadelphia to move in with my dad in south florida and attend a

community college. This was so my dad and I could take my mother to court to

stop payment on the child support.

> >

> > After a semester in Florida, I again moved out. Things didn't work out with

my stepmom who resented me ruining her perfect family picture (my dad has a

thing for strong controlling borderline abusive women- she called me a spoiled

little bitch one night and I was expected to apoligize for it. One day I " loaded

the dishwasher wrong " and got yelled at by her. etc. etc.) It was hell living

there. I hid in my room trying to stay away from her. I was desperate to get

back to Philly. While fighting to get my scholarship back my mom agreed to let

me potentially move in with her for the next semester while I established

residency in PA. I reluctantly agreed- the evil you know is better than the evil

you don't know sort of situation. A week before my flight to Philadelphia, I met

up with my friend and his family who were vacationing in FL. My stuff was in the

back of my friends jeep- he had agreed to drive it North for me (thank god for

my amazing friends). During a conversation with my mother we disagreed on

something. I eventually hung up the phone in the middle of her rant. She left a

message on my phone (didn't call it- she ALWAYS does this thing with her phone

where you leave a message on someone's phone without it ringing) saying that I

was disrespectful and could not come live with her. She left me homeless. I had

moved out of my dad's house. He was upset with me for leaving. My stepmom hated

me (still does). I had quit my job in FL, left with all my boxes, and had a

flight in 4 days and no where to go. I broke down. It was terrible. I still

can't believe she did that to me.

> >

> > Last Christmas she drove to Philly so we could go out to eat. While paying

for parking, she insisted we only pay for 1 hour at $2. I tried to make a case

for a 2 hour ticket at $4. She couldnt figure out how to work the machine so I

was doing it for her. I finally agreed to purchase an hour ticket. Only problem

was, I accidentily hit accept for 2 hours, the default. She started screaming at

me in the middle of street about how disrespectful I am of her money and have no

idea of the value of the dollar. I told her it was an accident and I would give

her the two dollars but that didn't matter. I had to go for a walk int he

freezing cold before going to the restaurant where she made me cry some more

over it.

> >

> > Since she moved out of the town I grew up in in high school, I have no idea

where she has been living. She's moved atleast 3 times. I only have PO Box

address. Apparently she's been unemployed all this time as well. I don't know

how she supports herself.

> >

> > There is so much more but those are a few examples. Right now she is in a

not speaking to me phase. She will go a month or so at a time without returning

any of my phone calls. After I confronted her about it she said it was because

she was busy and sick, and i should have left messages ( I must have left 10+

messages that month and called 20+ times). If it wasnt for her history I would

have been calling hospitals. She has no one else, no boyfriend, no roommate, no

husband, and apparently no health insurance but struggles random with an unnamed

illness that makes her tired and dizzy.

> >

> > The whole thing is just frustrating. She will be in my life for a few weeks

and be generally supportive and happy but then either dissapear and stop taking

my calls or flip out about something minor and then pretend it didnt happen.

> > I am getting better with coping with it. Thankfully I am not dependent on

her at all for anything so I don't have to take her crap. The fact that she is

my mom and is helping me pay for school is what keeps me talking to her. But

sometimes I wonder if it is worth it. IT's an endless cycle and I want there to

be an end.

> >

> > She is in complete denial that ANYTHING she does is wrong. She has a strong

disdain for psychology and therapy so would never go see one. How can I make her

see what she says and does effects me?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome < I'm so glad you found us. I've heard the finanacial aid

thing form before. I'm sorry!!! The way to heal is to focus on yourself,

your future, your life. You can't change her and you can't help her. You

have only yourself. But how beautiful to REally have yoursefl and to know

that your only responsability is to you. I love thinking about that.

One million hugs for all you have been through.

> **

>

>

> Hi and thanks for the welcome!

> That is terrible. I can relate so much to that story. I really felt like I

> was the only person going through that- it made no sense to me why that

> would be happening and what parent would want to do that to their children.

> I'm glad you made it through.

>

> I've always had some slight anxiety and had two or three panic attacks in

> my teenage years but never anything as extreme as in I was experiencing 6

> months ago.

>

> I guess my question is, is there a way to make her see the hurt she's

> caused? All i really want is some validation and apoligy for the hurt she's

> caused. I don't think I'll get it. I'm pretty sure that is the big downfall

> of the disease and point of this group.

> Many people have spoken about their BPD parents going into therapy. I know

> my mom would never because of her distrust of the psychological community.

> Is there a way to change this to begin to repair our relationship?

>

>

>

> > >

> > > Hi everyone,

> > > My name is . The past few months I have been seeing a therapist

> for multiple reasons, mostly because of unresolved issues with my mother.

> During time I was dealing with the worst anxiety I had ever experience and

> was dealing with getting over daily panic attacks. I had never had anxiety

> that bad in my life. (Looking back I think it was triggered from feeling

> feelings of being trapped and helpless- similar to how I felt growing up in

> a house with just my mother).

> > > During the last session I asked her what she thought could be wrong

> with my mother. She described the symptoms of BPD. 95% of what she described

> matched my mother's behavior. I knew starting when I was 18 something was

> wrong but I never knew what. It was a great relief finally having an

> explanation for what was wrong with her and the way she has acted. Finding

> this forum has been incredible. Reading all of your similar experiences has

> been so validating. I used to frequently wonder if I was the crazy one. The

> past 2 years I'd gotten over that feeling as the abuse and situations got so

> intense there was no way a sane person would behave the way she did. But

> still, reading all the posts brings back similar emotions. How nice it would

> have been to have had the forum when going through it all?

> > > I would love to vent a bit and get some of the many things she's done

> off my chest. I have talked them through with many friends but I don't think

> they could ever get it quite as much as you could.

> > >

> > >

> > > When I went to college she refused to fill out forms for financial aid.

> That was not how she did it and not how we would do it " taking money from

> the government " . My dad paid $10,000 a year in child support which my mom

> refused to put towards my tuition. I spent the second semester crying

> everyday because she wouldnt pay my tuition and I had no way to take out

> loans if she did not fill out the forms. She also would not answer any of my

> phone calls. This all resulted with me having to leave behind my academic

> scholarships at Temple University in Philadelphia to move in with my dad in

> south florida and attend a community college. This was so my dad and I could

> take my mother to court to stop payment on the child support.

> > >

> > > After a semester in Florida, I again moved out. Things didn't work out

> with my stepmom who resented me ruining her perfect family picture (my dad

> has a thing for strong controlling borderline abusive women- she called me a

> spoiled little bitch one night and I was expected to apoligize for it. One

> day I " loaded the dishwasher wrong " and got yelled at by her. etc. etc.) It

> was hell living there. I hid in my room trying to stay away from her. I was

> desperate to get back to Philly. While fighting to get my scholarship back

> my mom agreed to let me potentially move in with her for the next semester

> while I established residency in PA. I reluctantly agreed- the evil you know

> is better than the evil you don't know sort of situation. A week before my

> flight to Philadelphia, I met up with my friend and his family who were

> vacationing in FL. My stuff was in the back of my friends jeep- he had

> agreed to drive it North for me (thank god for my amazing friends). During a

> conversation with my mother we disagreed on something. I eventually hung up

> the phone in the middle of her rant. She left a message on my phone (didn't

> call it- she ALWAYS does this thing with her phone where you leave a message

> on someone's phone without it ringing) saying that I was disrespectful and

> could not come live with her. She left me homeless. I had moved out of my

> dad's house. He was upset with me for leaving. My stepmom hated me (still

> does). I had quit my job in FL, left with all my boxes, and had a flight in

> 4 days and no where to go. I broke down. It was terrible. I still can't

> believe she did that to me.

> > >

> > > Last Christmas she drove to Philly so we could go out to eat. While

> paying for parking, she insisted we only pay for 1 hour at $2. I tried to

> make a case for a 2 hour ticket at $4. She couldnt figure out how to work

> the machine so I was doing it for her. I finally agreed to purchase an hour

> ticket. Only problem was, I accidentily hit accept for 2 hours, the default.

> She started screaming at me in the middle of street about how disrespectful

> I am of her money and have no idea of the value of the dollar. I told her it

> was an accident and I would give her the two dollars but that didn't matter.

> I had to go for a walk int he freezing cold before going to the restaurant

> where she made me cry some more over it.

> > >

> > > Since she moved out of the town I grew up in in high school, I have no

> idea where she has been living. She's moved atleast 3 times. I only have PO

> Box address. Apparently she's been unemployed all this time as well. I don't

> know how she supports herself.

> > >

> > > There is so much more but those are a few examples. Right now she is in

> a not speaking to me phase. She will go a month or so at a time without

> returning any of my phone calls. After I confronted her about it she said it

> was because she was busy and sick, and i should have left messages ( I must

> have left 10+ messages that month and called 20+ times). If it wasnt for her

> history I would have been calling hospitals. She has no one else, no

> boyfriend, no roommate, no husband, and apparently no health insurance but

> struggles random with an unnamed illness that makes her tired and dizzy.

> > >

> > > The whole thing is just frustrating. She will be in my life for a few

> weeks and be generally supportive and happy but then either dissapear and

> stop taking my calls or flip out about something minor and then pretend it

> didnt happen.

> > > I am getting better with coping with it. Thankfully I am not dependent

> on her at all for anything so I don't have to take her crap. The fact that

> she is my mom and is helping me pay for school is what keeps me talking to

> her. But sometimes I wonder if it is worth it. IT's an endless cycle and I

> want there to be an end.

> > >

> > > She is in complete denial that ANYTHING she does is wrong. She has a

> strong disdain for psychology and therapy so would never go see one. How can

> I make her see what she says and does effects me?

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I found it remarkable to find this refuge--not only are there so many here that

are supportive, but had similar stories to share. After feeling so alone over

the years this was so refreshing!

In answer to your questions:

No, you can't make her understand the hurt she causes. She may never validate

you or apologize. What you can do is get ok with YOU--by setting boundaries and

clearly enforcing them when she crosses them. By reparenting yourself and not

letting her dictate your life.

Repairing your relationship? That depends on what you are willing to accept, and

if she is able to come part way. A hallmark of BPD is seeing everything in black

& white thinking. Many BPDs just want things the way *they* want, and no

compromise exists, only complete surrender by their enemy. (I am speaking about

my mother, who is the Queen-Witch and very assertive in her demands. Perhaps a

hermit or waif based BPD might be different).

Usually, any change the BPD faces is seen as a threat they try to fight. Setting

boundaries, moving away, getting married, having children. All these things tend

to set them off. It helps if you are prepared ahead of time and not blindsided.

Some here have had the BPD in their life volunteer to get into therapy after

someone close to them starts boundary setting (especially if that is one of the

requirements to maintaining open communications). Most of us have not been so

lucky. I suspect the BPD's functionality level and possibly their role type

(waif, hermit, queen, witch) may indicate if they could be open to therapy.

My Queen nada? No way. She will never, ever admit there is anything wrong with

her. She's been to see a couple of grief counselors over the years--she makes

sure they are men, and then she turns on the crocodile tears and regales them on

all the ways she has been victimized.

>

> Hi and thanks for the welcome!

> That is terrible. I can relate so much to that story. I really felt like I was

the only person going through that- it made no sense to me why that would be

happening and what parent would want to do that to their children. I'm glad you

made it through.

>

> I've always had some slight anxiety and had two or three panic attacks in my

teenage years but never anything as extreme as in I was experiencing 6 months

ago.

>

> I guess my question is, is there a way to make her see the hurt she's caused?

All i really want is some validation and apoligy for the hurt she's caused. I

don't think I'll get it. I'm pretty sure that is the big downfall of the disease

and point of this group.

> Many people have spoken about their BPD parents going into therapy. I know my

mom would never because of her distrust of the psychological community. Is there

a way to change this to begin to repair our relationship?

>

[Guest guest]

Again, thank you and everyone for you advice and support.

My real problem in setting boundaries in our relationship is that there are good

times where she is acting normal. The biggest thing is also that she helps me

pay for school. I only have one year left and her tuition checks have saved me a

lot of future dept. I struggle all the time wondering if the emotional abuse and

struggles I go through is worth that tuition check sometimes. I would love to

have a healthy relationship with her. I feel as if I owe her something for her

support in paying for my education. I know I do not deserve to be treated the

way I have been but it's hard to decide where to draw the line when I still

somewhat have to rely on her for financial support.

I have starting withdrawing from conversation with her. I can tell when she is

looking to pick a fight and start drawing back with my answers and limiting what

I tell her. She always thinks I'm just " tired " . Not trying to stop a potential

argument and just tired of all the bullshit.

I also won't travel to meet her anymore. She has a car but expects me to rely on

public trans to go visit her on her schedule. Atleast 50% of the times we get

together it results in a fight. Sometimes in public. Then I am stuck looking

waiting for a train or walking back to the train station because she won't

atleast drive me there.

Just a few examples of ways I've found to set boundaries but I feel like I need

to do more. And need to find ways to deal with the hurt of things in the past.

That was when the abuse was worst and I can't seem to completely get over it.

> >

> > Hi and thanks for the welcome!

> > That is terrible. I can relate so much to that story. I really felt like I

was the only person going through that- it made no sense to me why that would be

happening and what parent would want to do that to their children. I'm glad you

made it through.

> >

> > I've always had some slight anxiety and had two or three panic attacks in my

teenage years but never anything as extreme as in I was experiencing 6 months

ago.

> >

> > I guess my question is, is there a way to make her see the hurt she's

caused? All i really want is some validation and apoligy for the hurt she's

caused. I don't think I'll get it. I'm pretty sure that is the big downfall of

the disease and point of this group.

> > Many people have spoken about their BPD parents going into therapy. I know

my mom would never because of her distrust of the psychological community. Is

there a way to change this to begin to repair our relationship?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

you don't owe her - that is what a parent is supposed to do!!!! So many of

us have fallen into feeling guilty over the things that are basically in the

parenting job description

> **

>

>

>

> Again, thank you and everyone for you advice and support.

>

> My real problem in setting boundaries in our relationship is that there are

> good times where she is acting normal. The biggest thing is also that she

> helps me pay for school. I only have one year left and her tuition checks

> have saved me a lot of future dept. I struggle all the time wondering if the

> emotional abuse and struggles I go through is worth that tuition check

> sometimes. I would love to have a healthy relationship with her. I feel as

> if I owe her something for her support in paying for my education. I know I

> do not deserve to be treated the way I have been but it's hard to decide

> where to draw the line when I still somewhat have to rely on her for

> financial support.

>

> I have starting withdrawing from conversation with her. I can teingsll when

> she is looking to pick a fight and start drawing back with my answers and

> limiting what I tell her. She always thinks I'm just " tired " . Not trying to

> stop a potential argument and just tired of all the bullshit.

> I also won't travel to meet her anymore. She has a car but expects me to

> rely on public trans to go visit her on her schedule. Atleast 50% of the

> times we get together it results in a fight. Sometimes in public. Then I am

> stuck looking waiting for a train or walking back to the train station

> because she won't atleast drive me there.

> Just a few examples of ways I've found to set boundaries but I feel like I

> need to do more. And need to find ways to deal with the hurt of things in

> the past. That was when the abuse was worst and I can't seem to completely

> get over it.

>

>

>

> > >

> > > Hi and thanks for the welcome!

> > > That is terrible. I can relate so much to that story. I really felt

> like I was the only person going through that- it made no sense to me why

> that would be happening and what parent would want to do that to their

> children. I'm glad you made it through.

> > >

> > > I've always had some slight anxiety and had two or three panic attacks

> in my teenage years but never anything as extreme as in I was experiencing 6

> months ago.

> > >

> > > I guess my question is, is there a way to make her see the hurt she's

> caused? All i really want is some validation and apoligy for the hurt she's

> caused. I don't think I'll get it. I'm pretty sure that is the big downfall

> of the disease and point of this group.

> > > Many people have spoken about their BPD parents going into therapy. I

> know my mom would never because of her distrust of the psychological

> community. Is there a way to change this to begin to repair our

> relationship?

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks so much for sharing your story, it not only helps you but it is

tremendously validating to the people here because it shows we suffer similarly

because of being children of borderline personalities. I love reading posts like

this with long detailed lists of the offenses because each time I read one it

makes me feel a little more sane.

My feeling is that you cannot now and won't ever be able to 'make her see' her

mental illness, and that she doesn't care how it affects you, and that devoting

energy to it is draining the life blood out of you that would be better put to

making your own dreams come true. If this were anyone else but your mother, you

would never have let them back into your life for the things she has done. But

society and culture tend to force on us this dictum that says no mother ever

commits acts that are unforgiveable. Or that being bearer of the womb that you

came to this planet in gives her carte blanche to abuse you for the rest of your

life. I don't believe either of those are true. If you do forgive you can

forgive with the boundary that you aren't going to allow her to hurt you again.

She may be far more mentally ill than you are allowing yourself to believe. And

many times it gets worse with age. My sense is that you need to grieve the fact

that you are an orphan, and have been in many ways for a large part of your

life. Trying to get her to change is a way to delay that grief process.

My heart really goes out to you, especially on the part where she left you

homeless, that is beyond comprehension to me. Neither of your parents seem to

have been there for you emotionally though. I hope you keep posting and sharing

more of your story so you can receive the validation that you need to have, I

think it is like lifeblood for children to be validated, almost more than

anything else in the world. Hugs.

>

> Hi everyone,

> My name is . The past few months I have been seeing a therapist for

multiple reasons, mostly because of unresolved issues with my mother. During

time I was dealing with the worst anxiety I had ever experience and was dealing

with getting over daily panic attacks. I had never had anxiety that bad in my

life. (Looking back I think it was triggered from feeling feelings of being

trapped and helpless- similar to how I felt growing up in a house with just my

mother).

> During the last session I asked her what she thought could be wrong with my

mother. She described the symptoms of BPD. 95% of what she described matched my

mother's behavior. I knew starting when I was 18 something was wrong but I never

knew what. It was a great relief finally having an explanation for what was

wrong with her and the way she has acted. Finding this forum has been

incredible. Reading all of your similar experiences has been so validating. I

used to frequently wonder if I was the crazy one. The past 2 years I'd gotten

over that feeling as the abuse and situations got so intense there was no way a

sane person would behave the way she did. But still, reading all the posts

brings back similar emotions. How nice it would have been to have had the forum

when going through it all?

> I would love to vent a bit and get some of the many things she's done off my

chest. I have talked them through with many friends but I don't think they could

ever get it quite as much as you could.

>

>

> When I went to college she refused to fill out forms for financial aid. That

was not how she did it and not how we would do it " taking money from the

government " . My dad paid $10,000 a year in child support which my mom refused to

put towards my tuition. I spent the second semester crying everyday because she

wouldnt pay my tuition and I had no way to take out loans if she did not fill

out the forms. She also would not answer any of my phone calls. This all

resulted with me having to leave behind my academic scholarships at Temple

University in Philadelphia to move in with my dad in south florida and attend a

community college. This was so my dad and I could take my mother to court to

stop payment on the child support.

>

> After a semester in Florida, I again moved out. Things didn't work out with my

stepmom who resented me ruining her perfect family picture (my dad has a thing

for strong controlling borderline abusive women- she called me a spoiled little

bitch one night and I was expected to apoligize for it. One day I " loaded the

dishwasher wrong " and got yelled at by her. etc. etc.) It was hell living there.

I hid in my room trying to stay away from her. I was desperate to get back to

Philly. While fighting to get my scholarship back my mom agreed to let me

potentially move in with her for the next semester while I established residency

in PA. I reluctantly agreed- the evil you know is better than the evil you don't

know sort of situation. A week before my flight to Philadelphia, I met up with

my friend and his family who were vacationing in FL. My stuff was in the back of

my friends jeep- he had agreed to drive it North for me (thank god for my

amazing friends). During a conversation with my mother we disagreed on

something. I eventually hung up the phone in the middle of her rant. She left a

message on my phone (didn't call it- she ALWAYS does this thing with her phone

where you leave a message on someone's phone without it ringing) saying that I

was disrespectful and could not come live with her. She left me homeless. I had

moved out of my dad's house. He was upset with me for leaving. My stepmom hated

me (still does). I had quit my job in FL, left with all my boxes, and had a

flight in 4 days and no where to go. I broke down. It was terrible. I still

can't believe she did that to me.

>

> Last Christmas she drove to Philly so we could go out to eat. While paying for

parking, she insisted we only pay for 1 hour at $2. I tried to make a case for a

2 hour ticket at $4. She couldnt figure out how to work the machine so I was

doing it for her. I finally agreed to purchase an hour ticket. Only problem was,

I accidentily hit accept for 2 hours, the default. She started screaming at me

in the middle of street about how disrespectful I am of her money and have no

idea of the value of the dollar. I told her it was an accident and I would give

her the two dollars but that didn't matter. I had to go for a walk int he

freezing cold before going to the restaurant where she made me cry some more

over it.

>

> Since she moved out of the town I grew up in in high school, I have no idea

where she has been living. She's moved atleast 3 times. I only have PO Box

address. Apparently she's been unemployed all this time as well. I don't know

how she supports herself.

>

> There is so much more but those are a few examples. Right now she is in a not

speaking to me phase. She will go a month or so at a time without returning any

of my phone calls. After I confronted her about it she said it was because she

was busy and sick, and i should have left messages ( I must have left 10+

messages that month and called 20+ times). If it wasnt for her history I would

have been calling hospitals. She has no one else, no boyfriend, no roommate, no

husband, and apparently no health insurance but struggles random with an unnamed

illness that makes her tired and dizzy.

>

> The whole thing is just frustrating. She will be in my life for a few weeks

and be generally supportive and happy but then either dissapear and stop taking

my calls or flip out about something minor and then pretend it didnt happen.

> I am getting better with coping with it. Thankfully I am not dependent on her

at all for anything so I don't have to take her crap. The fact that she is my

mom and is helping me pay for school is what keeps me talking to her. But

sometimes I wonder if it is worth it. IT's an endless cycle and I want there to

be an end.

>

> She is in complete denial that ANYTHING she does is wrong. She has a strong

disdain for psychology and therapy so would never go see one. How can I make her

see what she says and does effects me?

>

[Guest guest]

llel11, Thanks so much for your response. I agree with you completely on feeling

more sane when reading long posts of offenses. It definitely validates our past

experiences and shuts up that voice I used to hear that would ask if I was

really the crazy one with a skewed version of reality. Thank god I'm not and I

finally truly know it.

I also agree that she is not going to change, she is 47 and has no clue that her

actions effect anyone. She seems to think her behavior is normal and acceptable

and the fact that she has no friends or lasting relationships of any sort is

also normal. Basically she is not close to anyone in this part of the country,

family and " friends " are all states away. I think that's how she's gotten away

being this way for so long. No real attachement to tell her she has a problem.

She's seemed to have slipped through the cracks in her large family (she is one

of 8).

Thank you for the last paragraph of encouragement. You brought me to tears with

it. I definitely will keep posting. The grieving and recovery is just beginning.

Hugs back.

> >

> > Hi everyone,

> > My name is . The past few months I have been seeing a therapist for

multiple reasons, mostly because of unresolved issues with my mother. During

time I was dealing with the worst anxiety I had ever experience and was dealing

with getting over daily panic attacks. I had never had anxiety that bad in my

life. (Looking back I think it was triggered from feeling feelings of being

trapped and helpless- similar to how I felt growing up in a house with just my

mother).

> > During the last session I asked her what she thought could be wrong with my

mother. She described the symptoms of BPD. 95% of what she described matched my

mother's behavior. I knew starting when I was 18 something was wrong but I never

knew what. It was a great relief finally having an explanation for what was

wrong with her and the way she has acted. Finding this forum has been

incredible. Reading all of your similar experiences has been so validating. I

used to frequently wonder if I was the crazy one. The past 2 years I'd gotten

over that feeling as the abuse and situations got so intense there was no way a

sane person would behave the way she did. But still, reading all the posts

brings back similar emotions. How nice it would have been to have had the forum

when going through it all?

> > I would love to vent a bit and get some of the many things she's done off my

chest. I have talked them through with many friends but I don't think they could

ever get it quite as much as you could.

> >

> >

> > When I went to college she refused to fill out forms for financial aid. That

was not how she did it and not how we would do it " taking money from the

government " . My dad paid $10,000 a year in child support which my mom refused to

put towards my tuition. I spent the second semester crying everyday because she

wouldnt pay my tuition and I had no way to take out loans if she did not fill

out the forms. She also would not answer any of my phone calls. This all

resulted with me having to leave behind my academic scholarships at Temple

University in Philadelphia to move in with my dad in south florida and attend a

community college. This was so my dad and I could take my mother to court to

stop payment on the child support.

> >

> > After a semester in Florida, I again moved out. Things didn't work out with

my stepmom who resented me ruining her perfect family picture (my dad has a

thing for strong controlling borderline abusive women- she called me a spoiled

little bitch one night and I was expected to apoligize for it. One day I " loaded

the dishwasher wrong " and got yelled at by her. etc. etc.) It was hell living

there. I hid in my room trying to stay away from her. I was desperate to get

back to Philly. While fighting to get my scholarship back my mom agreed to let

me potentially move in with her for the next semester while I established

residency in PA. I reluctantly agreed- the evil you know is better than the evil

you don't know sort of situation. A week before my flight to Philadelphia, I met

up with my friend and his family who were vacationing in FL. My stuff was in the

back of my friends jeep- he had agreed to drive it North for me (thank god for

my amazing friends). During a conversation with my mother we disagreed on

something. I eventually hung up the phone in the middle of her rant. She left a

message on my phone (didn't call it- she ALWAYS does this thing with her phone

where you leave a message on someone's phone without it ringing) saying that I

was disrespectful and could not come live with her. She left me homeless. I had

moved out of my dad's house. He was upset with me for leaving. My stepmom hated

me (still does). I had quit my job in FL, left with all my boxes, and had a

flight in 4 days and no where to go. I broke down. It was terrible. I still

can't believe she did that to me.

> >

> > Last Christmas she drove to Philly so we could go out to eat. While paying

for parking, she insisted we only pay for 1 hour at $2. I tried to make a case

for a 2 hour ticket at $4. She couldnt figure out how to work the machine so I

was doing it for her. I finally agreed to purchase an hour ticket. Only problem

was, I accidentily hit accept for 2 hours, the default. She started screaming at

me in the middle of street about how disrespectful I am of her money and have no

idea of the value of the dollar. I told her it was an accident and I would give

her the two dollars but that didn't matter. I had to go for a walk int he

freezing cold before going to the restaurant where she made me cry some more

over it.

> >

> > Since she moved out of the town I grew up in in high school, I have no idea

where she has been living. She's moved atleast 3 times. I only have PO Box

address. Apparently she's been unemployed all this time as well. I don't know

how she supports herself.

> >

> > There is so much more but those are a few examples. Right now she is in a

not speaking to me phase. She will go a month or so at a time without returning

any of my phone calls. After I confronted her about it she said it was because

she was busy and sick, and i should have left messages ( I must have left 10+

messages that month and called 20+ times). If it wasnt for her history I would

have been calling hospitals. She has no one else, no boyfriend, no roommate, no

husband, and apparently no health insurance but struggles random with an unnamed

illness that makes her tired and dizzy.

> >

> > The whole thing is just frustrating. She will be in my life for a few weeks

and be generally supportive and happy but then either dissapear and stop taking

my calls or flip out about something minor and then pretend it didnt happen.

> > I am getting better with coping with it. Thankfully I am not dependent on

her at all for anything so I don't have to take her crap. The fact that she is

my mom and is helping me pay for school is what keeps me talking to her. But

sometimes I wonder if it is worth it. IT's an endless cycle and I want there to

be an end.

> >

> > She is in complete denial that ANYTHING she does is wrong. She has a strong

disdain for psychology and therapy so would never go see one. How can I make her

see what she says and does effects me?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hello there-I'm Stacie and can relate to the evil nature of your mom (very

sorry) since i have it in my mom and grandmom-I find myself wrestling from

separating fully since the drama is ongoing for me too-I have found that keeping

that as a viable option is also helpful in possible solutions! For me, to

maintain meantime, I know that actions speak louder than words-since she already

knows that it hurts you on some level, I personally have been trying to practice

a bit of surrender on ever truly getting thru to them since they're incapable of

comprehending-I lean on friends alot, but with mom and granny, I keep it simple,

as light as possible, and know that a true personal healthy mom/grandmother

relationship is out of the question. Healing and taking care of myself in the

process is very important. I try to not jugde my self for having human reactions

of sadness from time to time but peace, for me, is from acceptance. I've gotten

alot of help here too--take care

>

> Hi everyone,

> My name is . The past few months I have been seeing a therapist for

multiple reasons, mostly because of unresolved issues with my mother. During

time I was dealing with the worst anxiety I had ever experience and was dealing

with getting over daily panic attacks. I had never had anxiety that bad in my

life. (Looking back I think it was triggered from feeling feelings of being

trapped and helpless- similar to how I felt growing up in a house with just my

mother).

> During the last session I asked her what she thought could be wrong with my

mother. She described the symptoms of BPD. 95% of what she described matched my

mother's behavior. I knew starting when I was 18 something was wrong but I never

knew what. It was a great relief finally having an explanation for what was

wrong with her and the way she has acted. Finding this forum has been

incredible. Reading all of your similar experiences has been so validating. I

used to frequently wonder if I was the crazy one. The past 2 years I'd gotten

over that feeling as the abuse and situations got so intense there was no way a

sane person would behave the way she did. But still, reading all the posts

brings back similar emotions. How nice it would have been to have had the forum

when going through it all?

> I would love to vent a bit and get some of the many things she's done off my

chest. I have talked them through with many friends but I don't think they could

ever get it quite as much as you could.

>

>

> When I went to college she refused to fill out forms for financial aid. That

was not how she did it and not how we would do it " taking money from the

government " . My dad paid $10,000 a year in child support which my mom refused to

put towards my tuition. I spent the second semester crying everyday because she

wouldnt pay my tuition and I had no way to take out loans if she did not fill

out the forms. She also would not answer any of my phone calls. This all

resulted with me having to leave behind my academic scholarships at Temple

University in Philadelphia to move in with my dad in south florida and attend a

community college. This was so my dad and I could take my mother to court to

stop payment on the child support.

>

> After a semester in Florida, I again moved out. Things didn't work out with my

stepmom who resented me ruining her perfect family picture (my dad has a thing

for strong controlling borderline abusive women- she called me a spoiled little

bitch one night and I was expected to apoligize for it. One day I " loaded the

dishwasher wrong " and got yelled at by her. etc. etc.) It was hell living there.

I hid in my room trying to stay away from her. I was desperate to get back to

Philly. While fighting to get my scholarship back my mom agreed to let me

potentially move in with her for the next semester while I established residency

in PA. I reluctantly agreed- the evil you know is better than the evil you don't

know sort of situation. A week before my flight to Philadelphia, I met up with

my friend and his family who were vacationing in FL. My stuff was in the back of

my friends jeep- he had agreed to drive it North for me (thank god for my

amazing friends). During a conversation with my mother we disagreed on

something. I eventually hung up the phone in the middle of her rant. She left a

message on my phone (didn't call it- she ALWAYS does this thing with her phone

where you leave a message on someone's phone without it ringing) saying that I

was disrespectful and could not come live with her. She left me homeless. I had

moved out of my dad's house. He was upset with me for leaving. My stepmom hated

me (still does). I had quit my job in FL, left with all my boxes, and had a

flight in 4 days and no where to go. I broke down. It was terrible. I still

can't believe she did that to me.

>

> Last Christmas she drove to Philly so we could go out to eat. While paying for

parking, she insisted we only pay for 1 hour at $2. I tried to make a case for a

2 hour ticket at $4. She couldnt figure out how to work the machine so I was

doing it for her. I finally agreed to purchase an hour ticket. Only problem was,

I accidentily hit accept for 2 hours, the default. She started screaming at me

in the middle of street about how disrespectful I am of her money and have no

idea of the value of the dollar. I told her it was an accident and I would give

her the two dollars but that didn't matter. I had to go for a walk int he

freezing cold before going to the restaurant where she made me cry some more

over it.

>

> Since she moved out of the town I grew up in in high school, I have no idea

where she has been living. She's moved atleast 3 times. I only have PO Box

address. Apparently she's been unemployed all this time as well. I don't know

how she supports herself.

>

> There is so much more but those are a few examples. Right now she is in a not

speaking to me phase. She will go a month or so at a time without returning any

of my phone calls. After I confronted her about it she said it was because she

was busy and sick, and i should have left messages ( I must have left 10+

messages that month and called 20+ times). If it wasnt for her history I would

have been calling hospitals. She has no one else, no boyfriend, no roommate, no

husband, and apparently no health insurance but struggles random with an unnamed

illness that makes her tired and dizzy.

>

> The whole thing is just frustrating. She will be in my life for a few weeks

and be generally supportive and happy but then either dissapear and stop taking

my calls or flip out about something minor and then pretend it didnt happen.

> I am getting better with coping with it. Thankfully I am not dependent on her

at all for anything so I don't have to take her crap. The fact that she is my

mom and is helping me pay for school is what keeps me talking to her. But

sometimes I wonder if it is worth it. IT's an endless cycle and I want there to

be an end.

>

> She is in complete denial that ANYTHING she does is wrong. She has a strong

disdain for psychology and therapy so would never go see one. How can I make her

see what she says and does effects me?

>