I can't believe it

[Guest guest]

So, it's been a really tough week. I'm having a hard time setting boundaries for

my nada and actually going through with them. And i'm also having trouble

opening up in therapy. I never imagined how hard finally dealing with all of

this was going to be. And I haven't even been in therapy that long. It scared me

to think how much harder this can get. If all of that wasn't enough, my nada

decides that 3 days is too long to go without making me feel guilty. She called

and I talked to her for a little while. Then she started with how awful I am, so

I told her that I had to go and made up some excuse. A few hours later, she sent

me a 4 page text saying how awful I am and how I ruin everything for her. And

then she threatened to hurt herself if I didn't answer. She's done that plenty

of times before, so I decided that this time I wouldn't answer. I needed to

stand up to her. And that was a mistake. I got a call from my sister saying that

mom was in the

hospital b/c she tried to hurt herself and that I was to blame. I expect my mom

to blame me, but not my sisters too! Now I feel like maybe I am to blame. Maybe

I could have prevented it if I had just called her. What do I do when my sisters

are beginning to treat me just like my nada does?

[Guest guest]

Everyone here gives such excellent advice and support, I will leave it to

what has already been excellently said... but will throw my IT'S NOT YOUR

FAULT in the mix as well. Because that was a breakthrough moment for me when

I actually realized it - on ANY level - in regards to my nada. Please try

to take this to heart, it is the truth. ((((Alison))))

*Star

[Guest guest]

You are not to blame! Your mother's self-inflicted harm is not your fault! She

did this to herself.

What you did do is not respond to an abusive text, one that merits no response

other than possibly criminal charges, depending on its content. What your mother

did was like punching someone repeatedly, then threatening suicide if the victim

doesn't give the attacker a hug. Your sisters are simply enmeshed and wrong.

>

> So, it's been a really tough week. I'm having a hard time setting boundaries

for my nada and actually going through with them. And i'm also having trouble

opening up in therapy. I never imagined how hard finally dealing with all of

this was going to be. And I haven't even been in therapy that long. It scared me

to think how much harder this can get. If all of that wasn't enough, my nada

decides that 3 days is too long to go without making me feel guilty. She called

and I talked to her for a little while. Then she started with how awful I am, so

I told her that I had to go and made up some excuse. A few hours later, she sent

me a 4 page text saying how awful I am and how I ruin everything for her. And

then she threatened to hurt herself if I didn't answer. She's done that plenty

of times before, so I decided that this time I wouldn't answer. I needed to

stand up to her. And that was a mistake. I got a call from my sister saying that

mom was in the

> hospital b/c she tried to hurt herself and that I was to blame. I expect my

mom to blame me, but not my sisters too! Now I feel like maybe I am to blame.

Maybe I could have prevented it if I had just called her. What do I do when my

sisters are beginning to treat me just like my nada does?

>

>

[Guest guest]

((((()))))

How horrible for you, and how *completely, totally* unfair to be blamed by your

mother and sisters for your mother making a suicide attempt. What they are

doing to you is called " emotional blackmail " and its very, very wrong. That is

what those with bpd do:

they can't ever take responsibility for their own negative thoughts, feelings or

behaviors and they project them onto other people, and blame other people very

unfairly and inappropriately.

You are NOT to blame for your mother's feelings or actions. Her mental illness

is NOT your responsibility. You did NOT make her the way she is, and you can't

fix her. Hopefully, the hospital will put her under observation for her

self-harming behavior; maybe she will end up getting the therapy she needs.

It is not wrong or bad to protect yourself from abuse by withdrawing from it.

Its OK to duck if someone is throwing rocks at you, OK! Self-protection isn't

wrong or bad.

My own opinion is that you have very likely been designated as your family's

" scapegoat. " Problems your mother or sisters are experiencing are blamed on

you. That is a very dysfunctional, toxic family dynamic, and if anyone is a

victim in such a situation it would be the unwitting scapegoated child.

I'm glad you have a therapist that you trust; I hope you will share this with

your therapist so he or she can help you work through the inappropriate and

misplaced feelings of guilt or responsibility you may be experiencing, and help

you work on ways of maintaining healthy boundaries with your mother and setting

boundaries with your sisters as well, since they seem to be buying into your

mother's disordered, toxic thinking.

I wish you strength and endurance; you did nothing wrong, yet you are being

blamed.

This is such a vivid example of extremely dysfunctional bpd behaviors, of toxic

family relationship dynamics, and of " emotional blackmail. " You have the

inner strength and insight to survive this, though.

-Annie

>

> So, it's been a really tough week. I'm having a hard time setting boundaries

for my nada and actually going through with them. And i'm also having trouble

opening up in therapy. I never imagined how hard finally dealing with all of

this was going to be. And I haven't even been in therapy that long. It scared me

to think how much harder this can get. If all of that wasn't enough, my nada

decides that 3 days is too long to go without making me feel guilty. She called

and I talked to her for a little while. Then she started with how awful I am, so

I told her that I had to go and made up some excuse. A few hours later, she sent

me a 4 page text saying how awful I am and how I ruin everything for her. And

then she threatened to hurt herself if I didn't answer. She's done that plenty

of times before, so I decided that this time I wouldn't answer. I needed to

stand up to her. And that was a mistake. I got a call from my sister saying that

mom was in the

> hospital b/c she tried to hurt herself and that I was to blame. I expect my

mom to blame me, but not my sisters too! Now I feel like maybe I am to blame.

Maybe I could have prevented it if I had just called her. What do I do when my

sisters are beginning to treat me just like my nada does?

>

>

[Guest guest]

- Remember, we TOLD you it was going to get worse as you get ready to

leave. This is entirely predictable behavior. I know it's hard to live through

it, but just keep telling yourself that it's HER, not YOU, who is sick, and that

you do not have the power - nor the responsibility - to make her better. You

are fine. You are on your way out of this mess, hopefully for good.

You calling or not calling your mother has ABSOLUTELY NO BEARING on whether she

" hurts herself. " It is not up to you to keep her from doing harm to herself.

Letting her use that threat to control you is like letting a three-year-old run

your life. She throws a tantrum, and you cave. That's no way to live.

One thing you might consider doing, to really put a stop to that particular

threat, is to take it very seriously. If she ever again threatens to " harm

herself " or attempt suicide, you print or save the message, then call 911 and

report it and send the cops, the fire department, and the EMT's to her address.

Yes, you know she's just doing it to get attention, but if you call her on it,

that may be the last time she pulls that stunt. She will be furious, but so

what? It will get her into psychiatric evaluation (which she needs, right?) and

you can supply her own taped or texted words as evidence to the doctors who are

evaluating her. I would also be sure to TELL your mother that if she ever again

threatens to harm herself, you're going to call 911. Then you really have to

follow up so she'll know you're not bluffing.

As to your sister - she's being what we call a " flying monkey " - doing your

mom's dirty work for her. My response to my mom's flying monkeys (and there

have been several of them) is this: " My mother is mentally ill. You can read

the description of her personality disorder in the DSM-IV under " BPD. " Once you

have done that, I will be happy to discuss this issue with you, but there's no

point in talking about it until you really know what we're dealing with. "

Repeat as necessary, ad nauseum, until the monkey either looks it up (at which

point they will have an " aha " moment and realize they're being played by Nada)

or they will refuse to look it up, but they'll get bored and leave you alone.

You might also tell your sister that you're working very hard to have a healthy

emotional life, and that you'll be delighted to offer her support when she gets

ready to set boundaries with your mother.

By the way - you're going to get a lot of suggestions on dealing with your

mother, from a lot of posters here. It's important to note that you should

choose the techniques that feel right to you. Check them out with your

therapist, if you like. Maybe talking about some common-sense coping methods

would be a good start to opening up in therapy sessions.

Be patient with yourself. This is a process - it's going to take a while to

undo all the damage you suffered as a kid. You WILL get there, though.

>

> So, it's been a really tough week. I'm having a hard time setting boundaries

for my nada and actually going through with them. And i'm also having trouble

opening up in therapy. I never imagined how hard finally dealing with all of

this was going to be. And I haven't even been in therapy that long. It scared me

to think how much harder this can get. If all of that wasn't enough, my nada

decides that 3 days is too long to go without making me feel guilty. She called

and I talked to her for a little while. Then she started with how awful I am, so

I told her that I had to go and made up some excuse. A few hours later, she sent

me a 4 page text saying how awful I am and how I ruin everything for her. And

then she threatened to hurt herself if I didn't answer. She's done that plenty

of times before, so I decided that this time I wouldn't answer. I needed to

stand up to her. And that was a mistake. I got a call from my sister saying that

mom was in the

> hospital b/c she tried to hurt herself and that I was to blame. I expect my

mom to blame me, but not my sisters too! Now I feel like maybe I am to blame.

Maybe I could have prevented it if I had just called her. What do I do when my

sisters are beginning to treat me just like my nada does?

>

>

[Guest guest]

I think you need to hear this as much as possible, so I'm going to reiterate

what others have said...THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. She is responsible for her own

actions, not you. It's unfortunate that your sisters can't see that. Sounds

like she's being very successful at manipulating. Again, , it's not your

fault!

>

> So, it's been a really tough week. I'm having a hard time setting boundaries

for my nada and actually going through with them. And i'm also having trouble

opening up in therapy. I never imagined how hard finally dealing with all of

this was going to be. And I haven't even been in therapy that long. It scared me

to think how much harder this can get. If all of that wasn't enough, my nada

decides that 3 days is too long to go without making me feel guilty. She called

and I talked to her for a little while. Then she started with how awful I am, so

I told her that I had to go and made up some excuse. A few hours later, she sent

me a 4 page text saying how awful I am and how I ruin everything for her. And

then she threatened to hurt herself if I didn't answer. She's done that plenty

of times before, so I decided that this time I wouldn't answer. I needed to

stand up to her. And that was a mistake. I got a call from my sister saying that

mom was in the

> hospital b/c she tried to hurt herself and that I was to blame. I expect my

mom to blame me, but not my sisters too! Now I feel like maybe I am to blame.

Maybe I could have prevented it if I had just called her. What do I do when my

sisters are beginning to treat me just like my nada does?

>

>

[Guest guest]

>

And then she threatened to hurt herself if I didn't answer. She's done that

plenty of times before, so I decided that this time I wouldn't answer. I needed

to stand up to her. And that was a mistake. I got a call from my sister saying

that mom was in the

> > hospital b/c she tried to hurt herself and that I was to blame. I expect my

mom to blame me, but not my sisters too! Now I feel like maybe I am to blame.

Maybe I could have prevented it if I had just called her. What do I do when my

sisters are beginning to treat me just like my nada does?

No matter what your mother or the rest of the FOO want you to believe, this is

NOT your fault. Your choice not to respond to your mother's *blatantly

manipulative* message was NOT a mistake! I know it's hard to see it this way

right now, with everyone FOGging you, but it was definitely the right thing to

do.

You could not have prevented this. You cannot control what your mother does. It

was wrong of her to try to put the blame on you for her own actions. THIS IS

NOT--NOT!--YOUR FAULT. This was your mother's choice. If she has the energy to

send you rants and manipulative texts, she has the energy to ask for help to

deal with her feelings. It's not fair for her to pin it on you. And it's not

okay for your sister to blame you, too.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. But keep telling yourself the truth--it's

not your fault.

SVA

[Guest guest]

Alison, how awful; you must feel sick about it all: the stress, your sisters'

wrongful accusation, and your mother's sickness.

I know it's hard to hear but you're not to blame. Your mother is truly, as Annie

said, using you as a scapegoat for her choices.

You don't owe your sisters any explanations or excuses. They are not going to

listen or try to understand, anyway.

Is it possible to see your therapist asap?

I'm so sorry for all you're going through. It's just not fair for your mother to

blame you for her own sickness.

>

> So, it's been a really tough week. I'm having a hard time setting boundaries

for my nada and actually going through with them. And i'm also having trouble

opening up in therapy. I never imagined how hard finally dealing with all of

this was going to be. And I haven't even been in therapy that long. It scared me

to think how much harder this can get. If all of that wasn't enough, my nada

decides that 3 days is too long to go without making me feel guilty. She called

and I talked to her for a little while. Then she started with how awful I am, so

I told her that I had to go and made up some excuse. A few hours later, she sent

me a 4 page text saying how awful I am and how I ruin everything for her. And

then she threatened to hurt herself if I didn't answer. She's done that plenty

of times before, so I decided that this time I wouldn't answer. I needed to

stand up to her. And that was a mistake. I got a call from my sister saying that

mom was in the

> hospital b/c she tried to hurt herself and that I was to blame. I expect my

mom to blame me, but not my sisters too! Now I feel like maybe I am to blame.

Maybe I could have prevented it if I had just called her. What do I do when my

sisters are beginning to treat me just like my nada does?

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'm so sorry!!! Imagine if you were responsible for this woman a whole

generation older - thank GOD You are NOT!!!!!! If she choses to hurt herself

there is nothing you can do about it!!! Have her commited (if you can) and

then RUN!!!!!

> **

>

>

> Alison, how awful; you must feel sick about it all: the stress, your

> sisters' wrongful accusation, and your mother's sickness.

>

> I know it's hard to hear but you're not to blame. Your mother is truly, as

> Annie said, using you as a scapegoat for her choices.

>

> You don't owe your sisters any explanations or excuses. They are not going

> to listen or try to understand, anyway.

>

> Is it possible to see your therapist asap? g

> I'm so sorry for all you're going through. It's just not fair for your

> mother to blame you for her own sickness.

>

>

>

> >

> > So, it's been a really tough week. I'm having a hard time setting

> boundaries for my nada and actually going through with them. And i'm also

> having trouble opening up in therapy. I never imagined how hard finally

> dealing with all of this was going to be. And I haven't even been in therapy

> that long. It scared me to think how much harder this can get. If all of

> that wasn't enough, my nada decides that 3 days is too long to go without

> making me feel guilty. She called and I talked to her for a little while.

> Then she started with how awful I am, so I told her that I had to go and

> made up some excuse. A few hours later, she sent me a 4 page text saying how

> awful I am and how I ruin everything for her. And then she threatened to

> hurt herself if I didn't answer. She's done that plenty of times before, so

> I decided that this time I wouldn't answer. I needed to stand up to her. And

> that was a mistake. I got a call from my sister saying that mom was in the

> > hospital b/c she tried to hurt herself and that I was to blame. I expect

> my mom to blame me, but not my sisters too! Now I feel like maybe I am to

> blame. Maybe I could have prevented it if I had just called her. What do I

> do when my sisters are beginning to treat me just like my nada does?

> >

> >