The child of bpd and self-alienation (was Re: Forgiveness)

[Guest guest]

Annie,

Your post made me feel sick--too many similarities with our nada's painting

daddy black. Fada is the only one in her life who hasn't abandoned her, yet he

is the default recipient of all her criticism and rage. My dad is probably the

only reason I am not a BPD today--he was the only person in my early life every

day that consistently gave me unconditional love.

Not only am I painted black by nada since I stopped humoring her complaints

about others, I am fairly sure she is using me/our strained relationship as

another way to gain 'victim' sympathy from her friends and other family members.

To use yet another Star Wars quote: " I won't fight you, Father. " This is

basically the stand I have taken when she's tried to rile me up. I calmly refuse

to engage with her. When she tells it to others, I have *rejected* her out of

hand, *abandoned* her, and *yelled* at her. In short, there is no way to stop

your own parent from slandering you.

But to get back to the focus of your post: we are all here, children of BPDs,

who want to heal from our childhoods. We celebrate new members, people who get

their *AHA!* moment. How many never make it here because they are too broken?

Forever doomed to repeat the BPD pattern in their own lives?

We are living in recovery, and grateful. How many others are still out there? In

a perfect world, BPDs would not be allowed to raise kids. What can we do to push

knowledge about this condition to educate CPS, judges, lawyers, cops and the

health system? And anyone else that could help get a child out of BPD Hell?

>

> RE self-alienation:

>

> I was reading about *parental alienation* recently because it seemed to me

that even though my parents stayed married, my nada frequently needed to vilify

my dad to me: she would list his shortcomings and share with me how he had hurt

her, in an effort (I suppose) to make me feel sorry for her and join in with

her in showing disgust or contempt for my dad.

>

> My nada needed me to feel the same way she did; it wasn't OK for me to have a

different, positive view of my dad when nada was pissed off at him and had

painted him " all black " . I just had to mutely listen and appear to agree with

her. Trying to remind her of dad's good qualities and that she really did love

him (trying for balance) was perceived as invalidating, and as an attack on her.

Then I would be painted all-black again, too.

>

> So it occurred to me that that same behavior was directed at me. My mother

would vilify me to my face, accuse me of being a horrible, horrible person, *and

she forced me to agree with her.*

>

> Thinking about that, it occurred to me that one of the very worst things that

can happen to the child of a bpd, is that being painted " all black " constantly

or even frequently can cause the child to become alienated from her own self:

filled with disgust and contempt for her own self.

>

> The child *must* reject and hate herself in order to appease nada and survive.

>

> Disagreeing with nada (by defending yourself) is perceived as invalidating to

nada, and if nada feels invalidated, the child will be subjected to even worse

abuse: annihilating rage and an extinction of the self caused by nada's complete

rejection. Maternal rejection is a virtual death sentence for a child, in

emotional terms. (Based on reality: in evolutionary terms, an infant abandoned

by the mother will indeed die if not rescued.)

>

> The child is subjected to the ultimate no-win scenario: " Show mommy that you

loathe yourself by agreeing that you are a disgusting, repulsive, shameful

excuse for a human being, and I will agree with you but I won't reject you.

Mommy loves you, you despicable piece of crap. "

>

> Its one of the key reasons I feel that its very important for a child to NOT

be raised by a mother with bpd, exclusively.

>

> If a mother has bpd, its crucial for her child or children to have other

adults in her life who can give her a sense of her own self, and a sense that

she is a good and lovable human being who is NOT all-bad. Its crucial to

counteract the messages of self-hate that the child is receiving.

>

> Or, in the worst cases, its crucial to have the child removed and raised in a

different, healthier environment by mentally healthy caregivers.

>

> Because self-alienation, as many of us here can attest, can last well into

adulthood and have a devastatingly negative impact on our ability to achieve an

independent, joyful, fulfilling, loving, emotionally healthy adult life.

>

> What the bpd mother does to her child is the opposite of parenting. Instead

of healthy self-esteem, the child of the bpd reaches adulthood with toxic

self-loathing, and that's just wrong.

>

> -Annie