Guest guest Posted March 10, 2012 Report Share Posted March 10, 2012 My Nada hoovered me after nearly five years of NC. The NC was always her idea. The last time it was my Father who did the deed though. He called me and said that HE thought it was time to have no contact for a while. This has been a pattern my Nada has used for a while to try and make my brother and I believe SHE is not the only one who believes we are worthy of splitting. The whole conversation I knew my Nada was sitting there in the room the whole time. Anyway, besides the point. After just a few months of having contact my Nada decides that it is important to her that they MOVE to the same town my wife and kids and I live in. Within just a few weeks the craziness began. I have a four year old daughter and three year old son. My Nada had never met them. She expected instant bonding from the two of them who all of a sudden had two grandparents they didn't know. We have 2 wonderful friends here that from birth have kind of adopted my two kids as their grandkids. One is a retired award winning kindergarten teacher, and her husband a retired preacher. They have been WONDERFUL for my children, and have taught them so much. Of course there was instant jealousy from my Nada. My son took to her right away, but my daughter didn't. In fact she was very nervous around her (very telling.) Anyway, from the beginning my Nada informed me how gifted and special my son was. My daughter was very cute, but " Oh my God your son is incredible! " Thats all I heard for several weeks . My Nada even wanted to spend a day a week with my son, but my daughter she didn't mention. I said that if we did that it would have to be both of them so one child didn't feel singled out. I kept talking about how smart my little girl was in school, and how her teachers thought she was well ahead. My Nada asked me " Why are your cramming your little girl down my throat? " I knew this was not normal behavior for an adult. Whenever I got mad about it she said " You just have never been able to take my honesty, and I don't apologize for telling the truth. " They eventually decided that they couldn't live here anymore and moved back where they came from. We have gone LC now, and as soon as they left I felt the weight of the world off my shoulders. It has only been in the last couple months that I realized she is BPD. She pulled this manipulation all through my life with my little brother and I, and I'll be damned if she does it to my kids. If she pulls anything like that again we will go NC. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 10, 2012 Report Share Posted March 10, 2012 " ...My Nada asked me " Why are your cramming your little girl down my throat? " I knew this was not normal behavior for an adult.... " (If we could use icons here, I would insert the face that has a very shocked expression: Eyeblink, eye-pop, jaw drop!) Wow. Your nada was blatantly attempting to co-opt your son as her favorite or " golden " grandchild and just kind of discard your daughter by assigning her as the " scapegoat " , grandchild. But you recognized that right away, stepped in and stopped her cold with the boundary: " Its both kids or none, so both will feel loved and neither will feel left out. " I can understand how much courage that took; its not easy to stand up to a domineering, sarcastic, bullying, belittling parent at any age. Big virtual high-five from me for paternal awesomeness; your " Father Bear " mode is fully functioning and impressively assertive. That rocks! -Annie > > My Nada hoovered me after nearly five years of NC. The NC was always her idea. The last time it was my Father who did the deed though. He called me and said that HE thought it was time to have no contact for a while. This has been a pattern my Nada has used for a while to try and make my brother and I believe SHE is not the only one who believes we are worthy of splitting. The whole conversation I knew my Nada was sitting there in the room the whole time. Anyway, besides the point. After just a few months of having contact my Nada decides that it is important to her that they MOVE to the same town my wife and kids and I live in. Within just a few weeks the craziness began. I have a four year old daughter and three year old son. My Nada had never met them. She expected instant bonding from the two of them who all of a sudden had two grandparents they didn't know. We have 2 wonderful friends here that from birth have kind of adopted my two kids as their grandkids. One is a retired award winning kindergarten teacher, and her husband a retired preacher. They have been WONDERFUL for my children, and have taught them so much. Of course there was instant jealousy from my Nada. My son took to her right away, but my daughter didn't. In fact she was very nervous around her (very telling.) Anyway, from the beginning my Nada informed me how gifted and special my son was. My daughter was very cute, but " Oh my God your son is incredible! " Thats all I heard for several weeks . My Nada even wanted to spend a day a week with my son, but my daughter she didn't mention. I said that if we did that it would have to be both of them so one child didn't feel singled out. I kept talking about how smart my little girl was in school, and how her teachers thought she was well ahead. My Nada asked me " Why are your cramming your little girl down my throat? " I knew this was not normal behavior for an adult. Whenever I got mad about it she said " You just have never been able to take my honesty, and I don't apologize for telling the truth. " They eventually decided that they couldn't live here anymore and moved back where they came from. We have gone LC now, and as soon as they left I felt the weight of the world off my shoulders. It has only been in the last couple months that I realized she is BPD. She pulled this manipulation all through my life with my little brother and I, and I'll be damned if she does it to my kids. If she pulls anything like that again we will go NC. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 11, 2012 Report Share Posted March 11, 2012 Thanks Annie. The last two years have given me a lot of clarity regarding my relationship with my Nada. I can't believe at times that i have taken her crap and even believed it for years. Any challenge to her or testiment of my own feelings has been labeled a " cop-out. " This group has been a godsend. I can't believe how many of these posts parallel my own experiences. Sent from my iPhone which makes me very cool and gives me the appearance of being important and technologically savvy. > " ...My Nada asked me " Why are your cramming your little girl down my throat? " I knew this was not normal behavior for an adult.... " (If we could use icons here, I would insert the face that has a very shocked expression: Eyeblink, eye-pop, jaw drop!) > > Wow. Your nada was blatantly attempting to co-opt your son as her favorite or " golden " grandchild and just kind of discard your daughter by assigning her as the " scapegoat " , grandchild. > > But you recognized that right away, stepped in and stopped her cold with the boundary: " Its both kids or none, so both will feel loved and neither will feel left out. " I can understand how much courage that took; its not easy to stand up to a domineering, sarcastic, bullying, belittling parent at any age. > > Big virtual high-five from me for paternal awesomeness; your " Father Bear " mode is fully functioning and impressively assertive. > > That rocks! > > -Annie > > > > > > My Nada hoovered me after nearly five years of NC. The NC was always her idea. The last time it was my Father who did the deed though. He called me and said that HE thought it was time to have no contact for a while. This has been a pattern my Nada has used for a while to try and make my brother and I believe SHE is not the only one who believes we are worthy of splitting. The whole conversation I knew my Nada was sitting there in the room the whole time. Anyway, besides the point. After just a few months of having contact my Nada decides that it is important to her that they MOVE to the same town my wife and kids and I live in. Within just a few weeks the craziness began. I have a four year old daughter and three year old son. My Nada had never met them. She expected instant bonding from the two of them who all of a sudden had two grandparents they didn't know. We have 2 wonderful friends here that from birth have kind of adopted my two kids as their grandkids. One is a retired award winning kindergarten teacher, and her husband a retired preacher. They have been WONDERFUL for my children, and have taught them so much. Of course there was instant jealousy from my Nada. My son took to her right away, but my daughter didn't. In fact she was very nervous around her (very telling.) Anyway, from the beginning my Nada informed me how gifted and special my son was. My daughter was very cute, but " Oh my God your son is incredible! " Thats all I heard for several weeks . My Nada even wanted to spend a day a week with my son, but my daughter she didn't mention. I said that if we did that it would have to be both of them so one child didn't feel singled out. I kept talking about how smart my little girl was in school, and how her teachers thought she was well ahead. My Nada asked me " Why are your cramming your little girl down my throat? " I knew this was not normal behavior for an adult. Whenever I got mad about it she said " You just have never been able to take my honesty, and I don't apologize for telling the truth. " They eventually decided that they couldn't live here anymore and moved back where they came from. We have gone LC now, and as soon as they left I felt the weight of the world off my shoulders. It has only been in the last couple months that I realized she is BPD. She pulled this manipulation all through my life with my little brother and I, and I'll be damned if she does it to my kids. If she pulls anything like that again we will go NC. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 21, 2012 Report Share Posted March 21, 2012 Dallas, It is sick for a family member to raise up one child as the " prince " and the lowering of the other child as " nothing special " . It is very reminescent of how my nada setup the same dynamic in my family. Only she was really sneaky. We live across country so she would mail packages that would seem to be for both children but vastly appropriate only for my older daughter. At first I thought it was her not knowing gifts for their ages, but then it became very apparent she was being spiteful to me and my younger daughter. She had only met my oldest dtr. My nada even did this between my children and my sisters daughter. She claimed to being poor(she hides money) and so I told her not to worry about expensive gifts. She followed that tact down to, " could it even be as little as barrettes for one dtr and underwear for the other? " I said if that's what she could afford then of course. Of course that is exactly what she sent. I found out years later that she bought my sisters dtr a $200 Barbie car that same Xmas! I am NC and several of these scenerios unfolded that led up to it. It is Splitting or I perfer Triangulation. A healthy person deals with issues directly while a dysfunctional person especially when stressed (like moving close to you) subverts the relationship. My nada also was unfamiliar to my oldest dtr when she visited when my dtr was about 2 yrs. My dtr was not comfortable cuddling nada. Nada took it very personally. In mother's groups you constantly hear grandmothers sabatoging with the grandkids againest parents. Also in Celiac groups. It is not uncommon to hear tales of grandmas knowing that the child is allergic to wheat and yet she insists on him eating ice cream from a wheat cone. Telling the child to enjoy it all the while the child is weeping saying but grandma I am allergic to this! ITS SO TWISTED! and Detrimental! I believe there is a tie in with attachment disorder but how I don't know. My advice is that you can't be too viligent with such a person. Good Luck! Sue P.S.Per psychologist at large website... The key to managing a working relationship with a borderline is in two parts: 1. Keep your productive agenda going, and 2. Deflect splitting by refocusing attacking energy onto productive work; not by taking it personally and rising to the bait. The splitting behavior is unconsciously strategic, a substitute for healthy attachment, which the borderline person never really had. Therapy for people with borderline personality tendencies aims at establishing secure attachment. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is a new therapy that has been developed for helping borderline patients feel a secure sense of attachment within their therapeutic relationship. Borderlines typically feel a great deal of apprehension and anxiety, much of which is repressed and projected out onto others. They are masters at appearing calm while provoking and upsetting others by attacking them, then pointing to those whom they have provoked and saying, " What's wrong with them? " For this reason, maintaining a low-key emotional tone can be important in dealing with a borderline-type person. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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