Family event coming up, what should I do?

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone,

I'm 26, NC with parents for about 2 years+ now. My Father is verbally abusive

and my Mother is " under his control " . It was kind of hard to live in the house,

so I got out and I'm NC now.

It was hard for my brothers and sisters to see me going NC, so they NC'd me.

They're not talking with me.

In a few weeks my Aunts daughter is having a Bat-Mitzvah. It's supposed to be a

big event, relatives coming from overseas etc.

I really don't know what to do.

On the one hand, I was always in very good terms with my Aunt and her family. We

had good times together, and all in all we are in a good relationship (since

going NC with my parents though, we weren't really in contact).

On the other hand, I can't see myself arriving there, with my parents and

brothers and sisters there, and with the taking photos and all of that, just

writing this now I feel a sick feeling.

It will just be too strange and weird.

I really want to dodge this event, I just don't know how to do it in a way that

wont hurt my Aunt and her family.

I do see myself stopping the NC and coming back eventually to my family when G-D

willing I'll feel stronger, and I don't want to ruin the relationship between me

and my Aunt's family.

I'll be very happy for suggestions.

Thanks,

forwto

[Guest guest]

Welcome to the Group forwto,

Maybe phone your aunt and your niece before the event and let them know that

although you can't come the day of the event, you would love to drop by and

congratulate your niece in person and give her her present a day or two before

the event (or whatever timing is convenient for you both. )

If you can't go at all, you could send the gift and a card ahead of time so she

can open it on the Bat-Mitzvah day, and then phone her so you can congratulate

her and wish her well by voice.

You do NOT have to be there when your parents and sibs are there, but you can

still directly contact your aunt and niece and let them know that you care about

them both very much and are thinking about them and want to visit them some

other time.

I hope that helps.

-Annie

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> I'm 26, NC with parents for about 2 years+ now. My Father is verbally abusive

and my Mother is " under his control " . It was kind of hard to live in the house,

so I got out and I'm NC now.

> It was hard for my brothers and sisters to see me going NC, so they NC'd me.

They're not talking with me.

>

> In a few weeks my Aunts daughter is having a Bat-Mitzvah. It's supposed to be

a big event, relatives coming from overseas etc.

>

> I really don't know what to do.

> On the one hand, I was always in very good terms with my Aunt and her family.

We had good times together, and all in all we are in a good relationship (since

going NC with my parents though, we weren't really in contact).

> On the other hand, I can't see myself arriving there, with my parents and

brothers and sisters there, and with the taking photos and all of that, just

writing this now I feel a sick feeling.

> It will just be too strange and weird.

>

> I really want to dodge this event, I just don't know how to do it in a way

that wont hurt my Aunt and her family.

>

> I do see myself stopping the NC and coming back eventually to my family when

G-D willing I'll feel stronger, and I don't want to ruin the relationship

between me and my Aunt's family.

>

> I'll be very happy for suggestions.

>

> Thanks,

> forwto

>

[Guest guest]

I completely agree with Annie. I think it would be important to find ways

to still connect with those family members who you have positive

relationships with. Not allowing your BPD parent to influence your other

relationships is key. Just my opinion...

JW

> **

>

>

> Welcome to the Group forwto,

>

> Maybe phone your aunt and your niece before the event and let them know

> that although you can't come the day of the event, you would love to drop

> by and congratulate your niece in person and give her her present a day or

> two before the event (or whatever timing is convenient for you both. )

>

> If you can't go at all, you could send the gift and a card ahead of time

> so she can open it on the Bat-Mitzvah day, and then phone her so you can

> congratulate her and wish her well by voice.

>

> You do NOT have to be there when your parents and sibs are there, but you

> can still directly contact your aunt and niece and let them know that you

> care about them both very much and are thinking about them and want to

> visit them some other time.

>

> I hope that helps.

>

> -Annie

>

>

> >

> > Hi everyone,

> >

> > I'm 26, NC with parents for about 2 years+ now. My Father is verbally

> abusive and my Mother is " under his control " . It was kind of hard to live

> in the house, so I got out and I'm NC now.

> > It was hard for my brothers and sisters to see me going NC, so they NC'd

> me. They're not talking with me.

> >

> > In a few weeks my Aunts daughter is having a Bat-Mitzvah. It's supposed

> to be a big event, relatives coming from overseas etc.

> >

> > I really don't know what to do.

> > On the one hand, I was always in very good terms with my Aunt and her

> family. We had good times together, and all in all we are in a good

> relationship (since going NC with my parents though, we weren't really in

> contact).

> > On the other hand, I can't see myself arriving there, with my parents

> and brothers and sisters there, and with the taking photos and all of that,

> just writing this now I feel a sick feeling.

> > It will just be too strange and weird.

> >

> > I really want to dodge this event, I just don't know how to do it in a

> way that wont hurt my Aunt and her family.

> >

> > I do see myself stopping the NC and coming back eventually to my family

> when G-D willing I'll feel stronger, and I don't want to ruin the

> relationship between me and my Aunt's family.

> >

> > I'll be very happy for suggestions.

> >

> > Thanks,

> > forwto

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'm a big believer in buffers, people who have no history with my family, who

are good friends and who will be strong for you. Is there someone you could go

with who could kine of stand between you and your family? I love using buffers

b/c my mother usually behaves around neutral people like that.

Another idea is to visit your aunt and cousin maybe the day before or after the

party so you don't have to deal with any potential drama.

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> I'm 26, NC with parents for about 2 years+ now. My Father is verbally abusive

and my Mother is " under his control " . It was kind of hard to live in the house,

so I got out and I'm NC now.

> It was hard for my brothers and sisters to see me going NC, so they NC'd me.

They're not talking with me.

>

> In a few weeks my Aunts daughter is having a Bat-Mitzvah. It's supposed to be

a big event, relatives coming from overseas etc.

>

> I really don't know what to do.

> On the one hand, I was always in very good terms with my Aunt and her family.

We had good times together, and all in all we are in a good relationship (since

going NC with my parents though, we weren't really in contact).

> On the other hand, I can't see myself arriving there, with my parents and

brothers and sisters there, and with the taking photos and all of that, just

writing this now I feel a sick feeling.

> It will just be too strange and weird.

>

> I really want to dodge this event, I just don't know how to do it in a way

that wont hurt my Aunt and her family.

>

> I do see myself stopping the NC and coming back eventually to my family when

G-D willing I'll feel stronger, and I don't want to ruin the relationship

between me and my Aunt's family.

>

> I'll be very happy for suggestions.

>

> Thanks,

> forwto

>

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone,

Thanks a lot for your helpful and validating replies.

Lo and behold, I got today the email from my aunt -

The title of the email is: invitation

The email itself:

Hope you can come. We're looking forward to seeing you.

What are you up to?

*** [her name]

[and the invitation is attached as a pdf file]

OK, now, I don't see myself calling her or my niece, I don't know, that's just

not our style (but maybe I'm wrong here and I should pick up the phone and

call?)

I also don't see myself going to their house, they live just a few minutes away

from my parents house, and just the thought of being so close to my parents

causes me anxiety.

So I was thinking about replying to the email, please tell me what you think

about the wording -

Hi ***,

Thanks a lot for the invitation. There is nothing more than what I want to do

than to attend the Bat-Mitzvah.

Yet, as you probably know, there are some complications going on [probably my

parents told her something about what's going on, yet I'm not sure how much she

knows, therefore I'm writing in a bit of a vague way], and I feel that by

attending the celebration things might get even worse than they are now. And

when I say worse, I mean much worse.

As you for sure know, I love you, **** (her husband), ****, ****, ****, ****,

**** (children) [is it too extreme to write to an aunt " I love you?], you're a

great family, and I would have loved to come to the celebration. Yet considering

the current circumstances, I feel that wont be a good idea.

I'm very very sorry and hope you can understand my situation. I hope things will

change and that the situation will be better soon, but in the mean time, I don't

see another way.

Please send my blessings of Mazal Tov to **** and my apologies that I won't be

able to attend.

I'm sure it will be (as all of the celebrations you had up to now) a great and

fun Bat-Mitzvha.

Wishing you and your family all the best and a big Mazal Tov,

****

OK, what do you say about that? Should I change anything? Anything not good? I'm

very open to any suggestions! Writing letters, especially letters like these,

are not exactly what I do on a day to day basis.

Reviewing this message before I send it to the group, I'm thinking - maybe I

should just call her instead of writing this? When writing, sometimes things are

not understood the way you want them to. Maybe if I call and talk to her, things

will be better. What do you think?

Thanks a lot!

forwto

> >

> > Hi everyone,

> >

> > I'm 26, NC with parents for about 2 years+ now. My Father is verbally

abusive and my Mother is " under his control " . It was kind of hard to live in the

house, so I got out and I'm NC now.

> > It was hard for my brothers and sisters to see me going NC, so they NC'd me.

They're not talking with me.

> >

> > In a few weeks my Aunts daughter is having a Bat-Mitzvah. It's supposed to

be a big event, relatives coming from overseas etc.

> >

> > I really don't know what to do.

> > On the one hand, I was always in very good terms with my Aunt and her

family. We had good times together, and all in all we are in a good relationship

(since going NC with my parents though, we weren't really in contact).

> > On the other hand, I can't see myself arriving there, with my parents and

brothers and sisters there, and with the taking photos and all of that, just

writing this now I feel a sick feeling.

> > It will just be too strange and weird.

> >

> > I really want to dodge this event, I just don't know how to do it in a way

that wont hurt my Aunt and her family.

> >

> > I do see myself stopping the NC and coming back eventually to my family when

G-D willing I'll feel stronger, and I don't want to ruin the relationship

between me and my Aunt's family.

> >

> > I'll be very happy for suggestions.

> >

> > Thanks,

> > forwto

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I personally suggest a phone call so you can actually speak to your young niece

and congratulate her directly. Its more warm and personal. I see that as a

great opportunity for you to possibly develop a closer relationship with your

aunt and niece.

But if you feel its better to write, I'd keep it very focused and short;

something along the lines of:

" I love you both very much, and I'm SO happy for you, Niece. I'm so very proud

of you, dear. I know you will have just the most lovely ceremony and

celebration, and I wish I could be there. What I'd like to do is come by

sometime soon and take you both to dinner, and you can tell me all about it.

Wishing you the best, and I hope you like the present I'm sending you. Your

loving Aunt, Forwto "

You don't have to explain why you are not coming.

I can hear that you feel compelled to explain your reasons for not coming to

your aunt, but, she probably already knows what your parents are like and

understands all too clearly why you don't want contact with them. So, its OK;

there's nothing to explain.

So, what I am suggesting is to ride serenely on top of this wave, and arrange to

have a good visit with your aunt and niece on some other date so that you don't

have to see your parents.

I hope that helps.

-Annie

> > >

> > > Hi everyone,

> > >

> > > I'm 26, NC with parents for about 2 years+ now. My Father is verbally

abusive and my Mother is " under his control " . It was kind of hard to live in the

house, so I got out and I'm NC now.

> > > It was hard for my brothers and sisters to see me going NC, so they NC'd

me. They're not talking with me.

> > >

> > > In a few weeks my Aunts daughter is having a Bat-Mitzvah. It's supposed to

be a big event, relatives coming from overseas etc.

> > >

> > > I really don't know what to do.

> > > On the one hand, I was always in very good terms with my Aunt and her

family. We had good times together, and all in all we are in a good relationship

(since going NC with my parents though, we weren't really in contact).

> > > On the other hand, I can't see myself arriving there, with my parents and

brothers and sisters there, and with the taking photos and all of that, just

writing this now I feel a sick feeling.

> > > It will just be too strange and weird.

> > >

> > > I really want to dodge this event, I just don't know how to do it in a way

that wont hurt my Aunt and her family.

> > >

> > > I do see myself stopping the NC and coming back eventually to my family

when G-D willing I'll feel stronger, and I don't want to ruin the relationship

between me and my Aunt's family.

> > >

> > > I'll be very happy for suggestions.

> > >

> > > Thanks,

> > > forwto

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I think this is wise advice Annie. I think a phone call is a generous gesture.

and having a nice dinner is a great idea too. I too struggle with the desire to

explain. the people who you should care about the opinions of don't expect an

explanation.

your relationship with your aunt/cousins is independent of that with your

parents. even though nadas like to think they are part of everything they are

not.

you said something else that I wanted to talk about. you mentioned that a phone

call is not " our " style. I just wanted to suggest that you consider who the

teacher is here.

I recently had to switch to communicating with my Nada by e-mail. (ok I am

communicating it appears she is now ignoring me) it is totally NOT our style. my

nada really does not like or trust computers.

the point I wanted to make is that it came to the point that I realized that I

needed to come up with my own way of doing things becasue the status quo is not

working for me.

you are the only one who can set your own standard, and the only person you are

accountable to. you need to establish your own ideas now of what is good, and

right. Nadas are notorious for never being satisfied, so living by her rules is

a waste of time. Do it the way you want.

Meikjn

> > > >

> > > > Hi everyone,

> > > >

> > > > I'm 26, NC with parents for about 2 years+ now. My Father is verbally

abusive and my Mother is " under his control " . It was kind of hard to live in the

house, so I got out and I'm NC now.

> > > > It was hard for my brothers and sisters to see me going NC, so they NC'd

me. They're not talking with me.

> > > >

> > > > In a few weeks my Aunts daughter is having a Bat-Mitzvah. It's supposed

to be a big event, relatives coming from overseas etc.

> > > >

> > > > I really don't know what to do.

> > > > On the one hand, I was always in very good terms with my Aunt and her

family. We had good times together, and all in all we are in a good relationship

(since going NC with my parents though, we weren't really in contact).

> > > > On the other hand, I can't see myself arriving there, with my parents

and brothers and sisters there, and with the taking photos and all of that, just

writing this now I feel a sick feeling.

> > > > It will just be too strange and weird.

> > > >

> > > > I really want to dodge this event, I just don't know how to do it in a

way that wont hurt my Aunt and her family.

> > > >

> > > > I do see myself stopping the NC and coming back eventually to my family

when G-D willing I'll feel stronger, and I don't want to ruin the relationship

between me and my Aunt's family.

> > > >

> > > > I'll be very happy for suggestions.

> > > >

> > > > Thanks,

> > > > forwto

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi,

Thanks again for the replies! You are helping me a lot!

I have another aspect in what's happening - I have 2 grandparents coming from

overseas to the party.

Now, I know it sounds crazy what I'm about to write.... Yet I'll still write

it.... I just have this fear that they'll hate me for not coming to the event.

I know you can answer that they raised my Mother etc...

Still, I simply have this fear that they will be disappointed that I, one of

their grandchildren, wont be there (the photos wont be " perfect " ...) and that

their attitude to me will worsen (right now we are in a good relationship).

Is all of this just in my head and totally false? Or does it have a grain of

truth to it?

THANKS!

> > > > >

> > > > > Hi everyone,

> > > > >

> > > > > I'm 26, NC with parents for about 2 years+ now. My Father is verbally

abusive and my Mother is " under his control " . It was kind of hard to live in the

house, so I got out and I'm NC now.

> > > > > It was hard for my brothers and sisters to see me going NC, so they

NC'd me. They're not talking with me.

> > > > >

> > > > > In a few weeks my Aunts daughter is having a Bat-Mitzvah. It's

supposed to be a big event, relatives coming from overseas etc.

> > > > >

> > > > > I really don't know what to do.

> > > > > On the one hand, I was always in very good terms with my Aunt and her

family. We had good times together, and all in all we are in a good relationship

(since going NC with my parents though, we weren't really in contact).

> > > > > On the other hand, I can't see myself arriving there, with my parents

and brothers and sisters there, and with the taking photos and all of that, just

writing this now I feel a sick feeling.

> > > > > It will just be too strange and weird.

> > > > >

> > > > > I really want to dodge this event, I just don't know how to do it in a

way that wont hurt my Aunt and her family.

> > > > >

> > > > > I do see myself stopping the NC and coming back eventually to my

family when G-D willing I'll feel stronger, and I don't want to ruin the

relationship between me and my Aunt's family.

> > > > >

> > > > > I'll be very happy for suggestions.

> > > > >

> > > > > Thanks,

> > > > > forwto

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

> Still, I simply have this fear that they will be disappointed that I, one of

their grandchildren, wont be there (the photos wont be " perfect " ...) and that

their attitude to me will worsen (right now we are in a good relationship).

>

> Is all of this just in my head and totally false? Or does it have a grain of

truth to it?

>

>

What does your experience tell you? Have your grandparents shamed or scolded you

before? Have they directly pressured you to make everything perfect?

Or is it really your father you're afraid of? Are you transferring your fear of

him onto your grandparents?

Only you can really answer that.

What if they do disapprove? What does that mean? How would that change what you

need?

Sveta

[Guest guest]

Hi Sveta,

I think you got it bullseye....

Thanks for your responce.

And thanks for all of the responces before.

> > Still, I simply have this fear that they will be disappointed that I, one of

their grandchildren, wont be there (the photos wont be " perfect " ...) and that

their attitude to me will worsen (right now we are in a good relationship).

> >

> > Is all of this just in my head and totally false? Or does it have a grain of

truth to it?

> >

> >

>

> What does your experience tell you? Have your grandparents shamed or scolded

you before? Have they directly pressured you to make everything perfect?

>

> Or is it really your father you're afraid of? Are you transferring your fear

of him onto your grandparents?

>

> Only you can really answer that.

>

> What if they do disapprove? What does that mean? How would that change what

you need?

>

> Sveta

>