Guest guest Posted March 11, 2012 Report Share Posted March 11, 2012 So... found out today that my nada is an adulterer. My dad left her a few weeks ago, but I just NOW found out that it was mainly because she was having an online affair with an ex-boyfriend and basically telling him loads of lies about my dad, me, and my sister! My dad also pretty much said that nada and her ex were either together, or going to find a way to be together. This whole thing makes my skin crawl. It makes me sick. I don't know what to THINK. My mind is blown. I always knew my nada was insane, but I never imagined she would do anything like THIS. BPs seek out attention in the most vile and horrifying ways... I don't see how anyone in this world will sympathize with nada once this is brought to light. Who would condone this type of behavior?! Does anyone have a similar experience?! Why would nada cheat when she seemed so utterly dependent on my dad?! She treated him horribly, but was terrified of him leaving (checked herself into the hospital when he left). She brought this all on herself. - Cvidz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 11, 2012 Report Share Posted March 11, 2012 I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. When I was about 16 my nada trapped me in the car with her and told me that she was going to tell me a secret and I was not to tell anyone else. The secret was that she was having an affair with the maintenance guy at work. She said he kept asking her out and she got tired of saying no, so she said yes instead. She even had the audacity to take me along a few times when she did things with him in an attempt to keep my father from suspecting what was going on. (He seemed like a perfectly nice guy. I've always wondered what he thought was going on with her. I suspect he'd been told that her marriage was over or some other big lie.) Eventually she arranged things so that I'd be forced to either tell my father what was going on or tell really big lies about it. She said it was my choice which I did, putting the burden on me. I told him. I think he'd started suspecting that something was going on by that point but it was still very upsetting for him, and for me. That was right around the time that no-fault divorce became legal in our state. Their divorce was definitely not the no-fault type. Luckily she didn't try to fight it. She tells people how hard it was to give up her children and how she didn't want to do it but she didn't have the resources to take us, but the truth is that she really wasn't given a choice and made no attempt to do things differently. Your nada will most likely find plenty of people to sympathize with her because she'll tell them lies and make herself out to be the wronged party. In her own head, her behavior was almost certainly totally justifiable. My nada never seemed to lack for friends after all of the above happened. I don't know why your nada cheated but I think my nada did it because she was bored and wanted more excitement and drama in her life. I know has told plenty of people that my father tried to bore her to death. While that's obviously a lie, I think it is true that she was bored with their life together. I think there was also an element of feeling trapped by the responsibilities of being a wife and a mother. It was obvious that being a mother was becoming more and more distasteful to her as my brother and I got older and she had less and less control over how we thought and what we wanted to do. At 05:46 PM 03/11/2012 cvidzz wrote: >So... found out today that my nada is an adulterer. My dad left >her a few weeks ago, but I just NOW found out that it was >mainly because she was having an online affair with an >ex-boyfriend and basically telling him loads of lies about my >dad, me, and my sister! My dad also pretty much said that nada >and her ex were either together, or going to find a way to be >together. > >This whole thing makes my skin crawl. It makes me sick. I don't >know what to THINK. My mind is blown. > >I always knew my nada was insane, but I never imagined she >would do anything like THIS. BPs seek out attention in the most >vile and horrifying ways... > >I don't see how anyone in this world will sympathize with nada >once this is brought to light. Who would condone this type of >behavior?! > >Does anyone have a similar experience?! Why would nada cheat >when she seemed so utterly dependent on my dad?! She treated >him horribly, but was terrified of him leaving (checked herself >into the hospital when he left). She brought this all on >herself. > >- Cvidz -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 11, 2012 Report Share Posted March 11, 2012 cvidzz, I'm not sure how old you are, but yes, I have experience with this. When I was in my late twenties, my nada left my dad for her high school sweetheart. In some ways I don't blame her, they were both at fault. My dad was and still is an alcoholic. Aside from all the crap that your typical PD spouse would do which wasn't a great thing for their marriage, my dad was far from the ideal spouse. I found out a few years ago that this wasn't the first time that nada cheated on my dad. It wasn't the first divorce either. She cheated and they divorced when I was very young, about 4 or 5, and they got back together and remarried by the time I was 8. As much stuff as my dad told me about her " problems " he never told me about the first affair. I knew that my parents divorced. I was young, but not that young. I only found out about the affair, because I ended up becoming good friends with the woman that almost became my step-sister. Her dad was the one that nada left my dad for the first time. If nada knew how much I know now about her and my friends fada, she would have an anurysm. That being said, nada lied about everything to me from day one diring the second divorce. I had to find out from one of her friends that she had left dad for someone else. I really didn't blame her in many ways. I love my dad, and he was a pretty good father to me, but he was not a very good spouse. My dad and I have a pretty good relationship and I did finally get fed up with him constantly getting on his high horse and going on and on about her leaving him for another man, when she was this self righteous christian, etc. I finally told him to knock it off, that he drove her to it and opened the door for her to let her into the arms of that other man! I told them both that I wasn't going to pick sides and that if I had been married to someone that acted like either one of them that I would have been divorcec YEARS ago! Geesh! Now as to your situation and you nada and dad, that is a whole different situation. I knew that both of my parents were at fault in the demise of their marriage. Between alcoholism and personality disorders, it is amazing that they made it as long as they did! They were married almost ten years the first time and about 17 or 18 the second time. I think the best thing you can do, is stay out of it as much as possible! Don't let them drag you into the middle and don't let them dump a bunch of sh!t in your ear about the other one. Oh, and screen your calls! I finally quit answsering my phone and told them both I wasn't going to listen to a bunch of garbage about the other one and if they tried or attempted to get me to take sides that I would just hang up on them. It worked pretty well. Hope that helps some. C > > So... found out today that my nada is an adulterer. My dad left her a few weeks ago, but I just NOW found out that it was mainly because she was having an online affair with an ex-boyfriend and basically telling him loads of lies about my dad, me, and my sister! My dad also pretty much said that nada and her ex were either together, or going to find a way to be together. > > This whole thing makes my skin crawl. It makes me sick. I don't know what to THINK. My mind is blown. > > I always knew my nada was insane, but I never imagined she would do anything like THIS. BPs seek out attention in the most vile and horrifying ways... > > I don't see how anyone in this world will sympathize with nada once this is brought to light. Who would condone this type of behavior?! > > Does anyone have a similar experience?! Why would nada cheat when she seemed so utterly dependent on my dad?! She treated him horribly, but was terrified of him leaving (checked herself into the hospital when he left). She brought this all on herself. > > - Cvidz > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 12, 2012 Report Share Posted March 12, 2012 I'm sorry. This has to be a shock for you. I can sense it in your message. I have no idea why she got involved in this. Nadas need attention and if your parents have been married for awhile (sounds like they have) then she would be craving some attention elsewhere. It's part of the problem. I guess I'm a lucky one then. My nada has been married 4 times, had affairs during and between her marriages. She needs men's attention all the time. Even now at 83, she flirts with men (even at my step-Dad's funeral) and thinks men are looking at her. But this is " normal " to me; it's who she is. I'm not sure you'll ever find out the real reason your mom went for another guy. Her reality is different from the real deal. All you can do now is take care of yourself. Find someone to talk it out with, someone who will let you say what's on your mind. The rest will take time. > > So... found out today that my nada is an adulterer. My dad left her a few weeks ago, but I just NOW found out that it was mainly because she was having an online affair with an ex-boyfriend and basically telling him loads of lies about my dad, me, and my sister! My dad also pretty much said that nada and her ex were either together, or going to find a way to be together. > > This whole thing makes my skin crawl. It makes me sick. I don't know what to THINK. My mind is blown. > > I always knew my nada was insane, but I never imagined she would do anything like THIS. BPs seek out attention in the most vile and horrifying ways... > > I don't see how anyone in this world will sympathize with nada once this is brought to light. Who would condone this type of behavior?! > > Does anyone have a similar experience?! Why would nada cheat when she seemed so utterly dependent on my dad?! She treated him horribly, but was terrified of him leaving (checked herself into the hospital when he left). She brought this all on herself. > > - Cvidz > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 12, 2012 Report Share Posted March 12, 2012 My mom left my abusive stepfather for an armed bank robber she met while strumming Jesus tunes for singing ministry. I used to have to take the collect calls on our home phone Ex step still has no clue. Mom and the bank robber didn't work out. But guess who got blamed for causing the divorce? Yup, me. Yup and mom was an ivy league graduate. Sent from my iPhone Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 12, 2012 Report Share Posted March 12, 2012 That is a clear indicator to me, anyway, that having a high IQ doesn't necessarily correlate with having a high level of emotional intelligence or even a sense of responsibility. And, wow, it makes me SO angry when I hear of a parent who actually has the gall to blame the children for causing a divorce!! How atrociously immature of the parent to say such an untrue and vicious thing. To me, that demonstrates a desire to inflict maximum emotional pain on the child; its deliberate cruelty. Holy crap. And the younger the child (or children) the less ability the child has to be objective or discerning or skeptical about ANYTHING their own parent (or grandparent) tells them, particularly about their own self. The parent literally defines the world to his or her child, and defines the child's sense of self, their being-ness, in the world, during the child's most vulnerable, most tender growing-up years. A child does not have the capacity to simply ignore or dismiss irrational false accusations like that lobbed at them like incendiary bombs *by their own parent(s).* Children are in fact all too ready to accept blame for inter-familial problems they did not create and can't fix. Just, wow. The emotional cruelty sometimes is just overwhelming. -Annie > > My mom left my abusive stepfather for an armed bank robber she met while strumming Jesus tunes for singing ministry. I used to have to take the collect calls on our home phone > > Ex step still has no clue. Mom and the bank robber didn't work out. But guess who got blamed for causing the divorce? Yup, me. > > Yup and mom was an ivy league graduate. > Sent from my iPhone > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 12, 2012 Report Share Posted March 12, 2012 My dad cheated on my mom, who was in the early stages of early onset alzheimers, and then left her for my stepnada. They try to justify what they did, and it's my fault that there are problems between me and them. They take no accountiblilty for what they did. And, my stepnada was always accusing me of trying to cause a divorce between her and my dad, even though that wasn't even close to the truth. If you were to tell my stepnada about someone else who did that to her spouse, she would be the first to say how wrong that was. I was watching today, and the show was about this guy who has a website where people can post about how others have STD's. It amazes me how little accountiblity people have for their behaviors anymore. Janet  Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.  Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.  It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones. Proverbs 3:5-8 To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " <WTOAdultChildren1 > Sent: Monday, March 12, 2012 4:05 PM Subject: Re: Nada is an adulterer!!?!?  My mom left my abusive stepfather for an armed bank robber she met while strumming Jesus tunes for singing ministry. I used to have to take the collect calls on our home phone Ex step still has no clue. Mom and the bank robber didn't work out. But guess who got blamed for causing the divorce? Yup, me. Yup and mom was an ivy league graduate. Sent from my iPhone Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 12, 2012 Report Share Posted March 12, 2012 Thanks everyone for the responses. I see that cheating spouses is a trend in BP relationships. I always read that lots of BP women are flirtatious and sexually aggressive people, but I never really found this to be a characteristic in my nada. So this whole " affair " thing really caught me by surprise!! My dad is not BP, and he has been loyal and faithful to nada. He said he would never divorce her unless she cheated. So, I guess she cheated. He is crushed. But this was also the last straw on top of years of her abusive behavior. They've been married almost 30 years... so I am sad for my dad. I'm 24, so I'm not super young, but this still feels weird because my parents have been married my entire life. Because of nada's BPD I have always wanted my parents to divorce. Now that it is probably happening I feel very strange about it though. I feel relieved, but not *HAPPY* like I always thought I would be if my dad decided to finally divorce nada. I have been NC with nada for about four years, so getting in the middle won't be an issue (thank God). Yesterday was just a whirlwind of shock over this news. I feel much better having slept on it. Thanks everyone, as always. - Cvidzz > > So... found out today that my nada is an adulterer. My dad left her a few weeks ago, but I just NOW found out that it was mainly because she was having an online affair with an ex-boyfriend and basically telling him loads of lies about my dad, me, and my sister! My dad also pretty much said that nada and her ex were either together, or going to find a way to be together. > > This whole thing makes my skin crawl. It makes me sick. I don't know what to THINK. My mind is blown. > > I always knew my nada was insane, but I never imagined she would do anything like THIS. BPs seek out attention in the most vile and horrifying ways... > > I don't see how anyone in this world will sympathize with nada once this is brought to light. Who would condone this type of behavior?! > > Does anyone have a similar experience?! Why would nada cheat when she seemed so utterly dependent on my dad?! She treated him horribly, but was terrified of him leaving (checked herself into the hospital when he left). She brought this all on herself. > > - Cvidz > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 12, 2012 Report Share Posted March 12, 2012 Thanks Annie, to be " fair " to my mother, I only know she blamed me for the divorce because I read her journals (after she died). She was a covert blamer all the way. But I always felt the hate. Yup, did wonders for my self esteem. She also took my younger brother and I with her to weekends away with her much older AA sponsor lover. And then by the time she hooked up with the felon I was out of the house so younger GC brother got to go along to federal prison. Yup, a born again " recovering " ivy league alcoholic. Good times. > > > > My mom left my abusive stepfather for an armed bank robber she met while strumming Jesus tunes for singing ministry. I used to have to take the collect calls on our home phone > > > > Ex step still has no clue. Mom and the bank robber didn't work out. But guess who got blamed for causing the divorce? Yup, me. > > > > Yup and mom was an ivy league graduate. > > Sent from my iPhone > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 12, 2012 Report Share Posted March 12, 2012 Yes, CVIDZ, you are not going to be happy because your NADA is going to need a lot more handholding now. My mom went even more psycho when she got divorced. Never thought it would have been possible. Steel yourself. And be grateful you are 24 and figuring this out. Bully (pun intended) for you! SR/Jaleo > > > > So... found out today that my nada is an adulterer. My dad left her a few weeks ago, but I just NOW found out that it was mainly because she was having an online affair with an ex-boyfriend and basically telling him loads of lies about my dad, me, and my sister! My dad also pretty much said that nada and her ex were either together, or going to find a way to be together. > > > > This whole thing makes my skin crawl. It makes me sick. I don't know what to THINK. My mind is blown. > > > > I always knew my nada was insane, but I never imagined she would do anything like THIS. BPs seek out attention in the most vile and horrifying ways... > > > > I don't see how anyone in this world will sympathize with nada once this is brought to light. Who would condone this type of behavior?! > > > > Does anyone have a similar experience?! Why would nada cheat when she seemed so utterly dependent on my dad?! She treated him horribly, but was terrified of him leaving (checked herself into the hospital when he left). She brought this all on herself. > > > > - Cvidz > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.