Guest guest Posted March 12, 2012 Report Share Posted March 12, 2012 What I am dealing with now, after working through " stop Walking on Eggshells, " and that lightbulb effect I think we all have had that it was not me but my Nada, is immense anger. I feel violated, manipulated and emotionally numb. I want to pick up the phone and tell her that I KNOW what she is, tell her she is BP, tell her that she was an emotionally abusive mother to me and wife to her husband, and that she needs therapy. I want to tell her she has no power over me or my emotions anymore, and that if she even looks like she is going to try and lay some guilt on me for anything that THIS TIME I would be the one to " dump " her for good. The anger only makes me feel worse though. Seeing a therapist will definitely help, but I feel that acknowledging that she has had this much emotional control over me all my life gives her a victory. How do you all manage the anger? Should I feel more compassion? I feel like I need to ask people how I should feel, and that makes me angry. I feel guilty about owning my own feelings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 12, 2012 Report Share Posted March 12, 2012 One of the ways that I've found to deal with the anger is to recognize that she has a mental illness and that she did not choose to have BPD. My nada chooses to do the horrible things she does, but her decision-making processes are broken. I also think it must be terrible to feel the way she does inside. I can't do more than begin to imagine how it must feel to be always plotting against people, to still be holding grudges over (mostly imagined) slights that happened 50 years ago, to not be able to feel real love. Really, nadas are pathetic people who will never know some of the best things in live. A second thing that helps is realizing that there's really nothing personal about her actions. It isn't about who you are. Any son or daughter would be mistreated although not necessarily in quite the same way since they tend to adjust their misbehavior to fit the exact situation. My nada mistreated all three of her children. While she may have been less obviously abusive to my brother once he became an adult and became her favorite, she did some really bad things to him as a child and her abuse now is more subtle. Another part of dealing with my anger at her was realizing that anger in general can be held in ways that are constructive or ways that are destructive. I used my anger towards my nada to maintain strength to protect myself and my younger sister from her. That's constructive. Holding on to anger without channeling it in a useful way is destructive. My nada has given me a good demonstration of how that works. A while back I read an article about how there are four ways to handle anger. I meant to post about it here at the time, but I was busy and never managed to do it and now I don't remember where I found it. The article talked about the different ways of being angry and pretty much said that two of the four ways are positive and two are negative. At 11:19 AM 03/12/2012 Dallas wrote: >What I am dealing with now, after working through " stop Walking >on Eggshells, " and that lightbulb effect I think we all have >had that it was not me but my Nada, is immense anger. I feel >violated, manipulated and emotionally numb. I want to pick up >the phone and tell her that I KNOW what she is, tell her she is >BP, tell her that she was an emotionally abusive mother to me >and wife to her husband, and that she needs therapy. I want to >tell her she has no power over me or my emotions anymore, and >that if she even looks like she is going to try and lay some >guilt on me for anything that THIS TIME I would be the one to > " dump " her for good. > >The anger only makes me feel worse though. Seeing a therapist >will definitely help, but I feel that acknowledging that she >has had this much emotional control over me all my life gives >her a victory. How do you all manage the anger? Should I feel >more compassion? I feel like I need to ask people how I should >feel, and that makes me angry. I feel guilty about owning my >own feelings. -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 12, 2012 Report Share Posted March 12, 2012 I think the anger is understandable and due to realizing how betrayed we were and even (in some cases) still are; its the deepest betrayal of all for a parent to abuse their power and exploit and mistreat or neglect their own child instead of nurturing and guiding and *parenting* their child. I agree that a good therapist can help you sort out your mixture of feelings of hurt, anger and betrayal and find healthy ways to express the hurt and anger, get it out of you without doing harm to yourself or to others. Feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are. Please try to not feel guilty for having a feeling, or a whole swarm of feelings. Its behaviors that count. We can't control how we feel, but we can control how we express the feeling. Check out the reading list at the home site of this Group for books specifically about dealing with anger in healthy ways. Off the cuff, a couple of healthy ways to get rid of anger include being calmly assertive *in the moment* instead of passively accepting abusive behavior, and physical exercise like the martial arts where you get to punch things. But a good therapist can help the most, at least in my own opinion. That's really insightful of you to recognize that you are having these feelings, very emotionally mature and responsible. That rocks! I hope you can take at least some comfort in the knowledge that you are so NOT like your parents, at all, and are a wonderful father to your own kids and a good husband to your wife. I hope you are justifiably proud of this. You are not continuing the cycle of abuse with your own family. -Annie > > What I am dealing with now, after working through " stop Walking on Eggshells, " and that lightbulb effect I think we all have had that it was not me but my Nada, is immense anger. I feel violated, manipulated and emotionally numb. I want to pick up the phone and tell her that I KNOW what she is, tell her she is BP, tell her that she was an emotionally abusive mother to me and wife to her husband, and that she needs therapy. I want to tell her she has no power over me or my emotions anymore, and that if she even looks like she is going to try and lay some guilt on me for anything that THIS TIME I would be the one to " dump " her for good. > > The anger only makes me feel worse though. Seeing a therapist will definitely help, but I feel that acknowledging that she has had this much emotional control over me all my life gives her a victory. How do you all manage the anger? Should I feel more compassion? I feel like I need to ask people how I should feel, and that makes me angry. I feel guilty about owning my own feelings. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 12, 2012 Report Share Posted March 12, 2012 I agree with Annie and katrina (?) and just want to add that I'm about 8 months ahead of you and the anger and rage have really ebbed especially as I have been able to share and be validated by a couple family members and friends as well as go to therapy. I am feel much more compassionate to my dead dis inheriting nada and plan to enact my " revenge " by living well. Was nowhere near this place 2 months ago and am not so cocky as to think that these feelings are here to stay. I di think you have to let the emotions go thru you. We have years of unawareness to mediate and lots of emotions to express. For many of us anger is an uncomfortable emotion, so important it is to embrace compassion and acceptance if where you are. Sr Sent from my iPhone Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 13, 2012 Report Share Posted March 13, 2012 I think it's really good when we start to feel all these feelings. I think most of us have for the most part been so numb about it all, unwilling or afraid to face the pain. For me, it's been a range of feelings, first relief, then fear, then joy, then rage, then courage (is courage a feeling??), then compassion/understanding, etc. I guess you could say your mother's emotional control was a victory, but when we're kids, big people do have control over us in many ways. Really, our nadas abused the stewardship they were given and warped it into something else for their own selfish needs. She didn't win anything over you. She just destroyed. Last summer, I did what you mentioned in your post. I told my mother EVERYTHING. I told her in a letter, as nicely as I could, that she was making me literally ill. That she made me feel like a bad mother. That she treated me like crap, etc. And then I went NC for a month or 2. I felt great. I really needed her to know those things. She did her waify thing, leaving me sobby messages on my voicemail. But I needed to do it and I told her that if she EVER violated one of those issues again, she would not hear from me again. It's been touch and go and sometimes I dont think I can keep the boundaries, like I dont have it in me, but it's day by day. I think you're in good ownership of your feelings, you're unearthing feelings. You asked if you should feel more compassion, etc. Maybe you could keep a journal of your emotions as they come, just take note of them. They're coming up for a reason and it's ok that they're there. Fiona What do I do with my anger? I usually dump it all here ( hah a!!) or I journal it or unleash it on my therapist. > > What I am dealing with now, after working through " stop Walking on Eggshells, " and that lightbulb effect I think we all have had that it was not me but my Nada, is immense anger. I feel violated, manipulated and emotionally numb. I want to pick up the phone and tell her that I KNOW what she is, tell her she is BP, tell her that she was an emotionally abusive mother to me and wife to her husband, and that she needs therapy. I want to tell her she has no power over me or my emotions anymore, and that if she even looks like she is going to try and lay some guilt on me for anything that THIS TIME I would be the one to " dump " her for good. > > The anger only makes me feel worse though. Seeing a therapist will definitely help, but I feel that acknowledging that she has had this much emotional control over me all my life gives her a victory. How do you all manage the anger? Should I feel more compassion? I feel like I need to ask people how I should feel, and that makes me angry. I feel guilty about owning my own feelings. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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