Guest guest Posted August 3, 2011 Report Share Posted August 3, 2011 Hello all my KO buddies. Life intrudes and so busy that I ve been pretty sparse in posting, but I do get in to skim from time to time. Welcome to so many new KOs. As the man said while giving a speech inside a prison, well, its nice to see so many of you here today! Sorry that you have this to deal with, but glad you have found this place. I thought it was worth considering what our goals are as KOs. What we all want, wish for, dream of, is finding that perfect thing, word, letter, action, speech or whatever, that will make mom be real and healthy and not Nada. Of course we feel this, for we were taught at the nipple to be responsible for Mom s happiness, balance, and sanity. Once we are able to see how broken she is, how really screwed up a BP can be, our natural, first, and most persistant desire is to fix her. Problem with that ? She doesnt want to be fixed in most cases. We are not trained therapists, in most cases, and lack the skills to help her heal. If we were, we are her children and we can t be the ones to do it. So, what is our goal? I believe the best we can hope for is to make changes in ourselves. We can choose those things that let us be happy, and sane, and if, with regret, that means a limited place for Nada, or no place, then that is what we must choose. We can choose to heal, and be happy and healthy for ourselves, but not for any other. Not mom, nada, sister, friend, spouse, no one. So , let us look to ourselves first. And if, by some good fortune, Nada chooses a path that leads to her healing, and a healthy relationship becomes possible, we can always be open to nurture it. I find the following prayer, from Reinhold Neiber, a comforting meditation. Whether we deal with an addiction that must be dealt with on terms of reality, or a BP mother, the words are a comfort to me, and to many. God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, Courage to change the things which should be changed, and the Wisdom to distinguish the one from the other. Living one day at a time, Enjoying one moment at a time, Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace, Taking, as Jesus did, This sinful world as it is, Not as I would have it, Trusting that You will make all things right, If I surrender to Your will, So that I may be reasonably happy in this life, And supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen Doug Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 3, 2011 Report Share Posted August 3, 2011 and i will also say with you doug, 'amen'.. Subject: What is our goal? To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Wednesday, August 3, 2011, 2:32 AM Â Hello all my KO buddies. Life intrudes and so busy that I ve been pretty sparse in posting, but I do get in to skim from time to time. Welcome to so many new KOs. As the man said while giving a speech inside a prison, well, its nice to see so many of you here today! Sorry that you have this to deal with, but glad you have found this place. I thought it was worth considering what our goals are as KOs. What we all want, wish for, dream of, is finding that perfect thing, word, letter, action, speech or whatever, that will make mom be real and healthy and not Nada. Of course we feel this, for we were taught at the nipple to be responsible for Mom s happiness, balance, and sanity. Once we are able to see how broken she is, how really screwed up a BP can be, our natural, first, and most persistant desire is to fix her. Problem with that ? She doesnt want to be fixed in most cases. We are not trained therapists, in most cases, and lack the skills to help her heal. If we were, we are her children and we can t be the ones to do it. So, what is our goal? I believe the best we can hope for is to make changes in ourselves. We can choose those things that let us be happy, and sane, and if, with regret, that means a limited place for Nada, or no place, then that is what we must choose. We can choose to heal, and be happy and healthy for ourselves, but not for any other. Not mom, nada, sister, friend, spouse, no one. So , let us look to ourselves first. And if, by some good fortune, Nada chooses a path that leads to her healing, and a healthy relationship becomes possible, we can always be open to nurture it. I find the following prayer, from Reinhold Neiber, a comforting meditation. Whether we deal with an addiction that must be dealt with on terms of reality, or a BP mother, the words are a comfort to me, and to many. God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, Courage to change the things which should be changed, and the Wisdom to distinguish the one from the other. Living one day at a time, Enjoying one moment at a time, Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace, Taking, as Jesus did, This sinful world as it is, Not as I would have it, Trusting that You will make all things right, If I surrender to Your will, So that I may be reasonably happy in this life, And supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen Doug Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 3, 2011 Report Share Posted August 3, 2011 Just beautiful. I'm all misty-eyed. Thank you, Doug. This is a keeper. (I've missed you!!) And thanks again for making me laugh ( " As the man said while giving a speech inside a prison, well, its nice to see so many of you here today!). Fiona > > > Hello all my KO buddies. Life intrudes and so busy that I ve been > pretty sparse in posting, but I do get in to skim from time to time. > > Welcome to so many new KOs. As the man said while giving a speech > inside a prison, well, its nice to see so many of you here today! > > Sorry that you have this to deal with, but glad you have found this > place. > > I thought it was worth considering what our goals are as KOs. > > What we all want, wish for, dream of, is finding that perfect thing, > word, letter, action, speech or whatever, that will make mom be real and > healthy and not Nada. Of course we feel this, for we were taught at the > nipple to be responsible for Mom s happiness, balance, and sanity. Once > we are able to see how broken she is, how really screwed up a BP can be, > our natural, first, and most persistant desire is to fix her. > > Problem with that ? > > She doesnt want to be fixed in most cases. > > We are not trained therapists, in most cases, and lack the skills to > help her heal. > > If we were, we are her children and we can t be the ones to do it. > > So, what is our goal? > > I believe the best we can hope for is to make changes in ourselves. > We can choose those things that let us be happy, and sane, and if, with > regret, that means a limited place for Nada, or no place, then that is > what we must choose. > > We can choose to heal, and be happy and healthy for ourselves, but not > for any other. Not mom, nada, sister, friend, spouse, no one. > > So , let us look to ourselves first. And if, by some good fortune, Nada > chooses a path that leads to her healing, and a healthy relationship > becomes possible, we can always be open to nurture it. > > I find the following prayer, from Reinhold Neiber, a comforting > meditation. Whether we deal with an addiction that must be dealt with > on terms of reality, or a BP mother, the words are a comfort to me, and > to many. > > God, give us grace to accept with serenity > the things that cannot be changed, > Courage to change the things > which should be changed, > and the Wisdom to distinguish > the one from the other. > > Living one day at a time, > Enjoying one moment at a time, > Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace, > Taking, as Jesus did, > This sinful world as it is, > Not as I would have it, > Trusting that You will make all things right, > If I surrender to Your will, > So that I may be reasonably happy in this life, > And supremely happy with You forever in the next. > > Amen > > Doug > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 3, 2011 Report Share Posted August 3, 2011 Thanks for summing this up so clearly, Doug. Your wit, humor, compassion and ability to see things clearly make you very valuable > > > Hello all my KO buddies. Life intrudes and so busy that I ve been > pretty sparse in posting, but I do get in to skim from time to time. > > Welcome to so many new KOs. As the man said while giving a speech > inside a prison, well, its nice to see so many of you here today! > > Sorry that you have this to deal with, but glad you have found this > place. > > I thought it was worth considering what our goals are as KOs. > > What we all want, wish for, dream of, is finding that perfect thing, > word, letter, action, speech or whatever, that will make mom be real and > healthy and not Nada. Of course we feel this, for we were taught at the > nipple to be responsible for Mom s happiness, balance, and sanity. Once > we are able to see how broken she is, how really screwed up a BP can be, > our natural, first, and most persistant desire is to fix her. > > Problem with that ? > > She doesnt want to be fixed in most cases. > > We are not trained therapists, in most cases, and lack the skills to > help her heal. > > If we were, we are her children and we can t be the ones to do it. > > So, what is our goal? > > I believe the best we can hope for is to make changes in ourselves. > We can choose those things that let us be happy, and sane, and if, with > regret, that means a limited place for Nada, or no place, then that is > what we must choose. > > We can choose to heal, and be happy and healthy for ourselves, but not > for any other. Not mom, nada, sister, friend, spouse, no one. > > So , let us look to ourselves first. And if, by some good fortune, Nada > chooses a path that leads to her healing, and a healthy relationship > becomes possible, we can always be open to nurture it. > > I find the following prayer, from Reinhold Neiber, a comforting > meditation. Whether we deal with an addiction that must be dealt with > on terms of reality, or a BP mother, the words are a comfort to me, and > to many. > > God, give us grace to accept with serenity > the things that cannot be changed, > Courage to change the things > which should be changed, > and the Wisdom to distinguish > the one from the other. > > Living one day at a time, > Enjoying one moment at a time, > Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace, > Taking, as Jesus did, > This sinful world as it is, > Not as I would have it, > Trusting that You will make all things right, > If I surrender to Your will, > So that I may be reasonably happy in this life, > And supremely happy with You forever in the next. > > Amen > > Doug > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 3, 2011 Report Share Posted August 3, 2011 good question! I have been thinking about this a whole lot lately. I want to accumulate the knowledge that I should have been taught as a child so that I can be financially independent (not just in terms of living here because I essentially am but in terms of not becoming mortgage poor or being dependent on corporate america, I want to start my own business, support myself, and have my dwelling paid for before retirement, etc) I have a HUGE deficit in that area because i was raised with knowledge only to 'catch a man' and let them make all the financial decisions, (ironically, or perhaps not, the men on both sides of my family are HORRIBLE at handling money). As it stands now I have more financial acumen than my parents but my father is a huge bullsh*tter so he does get things other less honest people would, but I am changing my major in school from computers to business just so I can manage my own business if I am the only laborer or if I have employees, either way. I want to LET GO of relating on this depth ALL THE TIME which has been a huge hindrance to me in my life. I think that and being socialized to think I am stupid and can't figure anything out (I do have some deficit in the area of 'common sense' but if left alone and not messed with i eventuallyfigure things out). But my mother dropped all this deep heavy crap on my psyche as a child, and that's over. I finally cut her off a few weeks ago and it feels wonderful to be free but I do eventually want to stop applying this super deep way of relating to people to EVERYONE, ALL THE TIME. It's exhausting and I finally understand that people's deep life lessons and struggles are theirs to deal with, their life's purpose, and they don't need my interference and if they do (beyond support groups like this website) they probably have pathology and are going to end up being a destructive force in my life. I want to take that energy and devote it to my business and provide for myself the things I have lacked having been a pauper through my adult life. I am not materialistic but I have 'done without' and been ridiculously frugal for the majority of it from having been so warped into severe codependency that it kept me from relating normally and affected me with employment. thanks for the question, it's a good meditation. at this point I don't care if my parents change or not. I have spent my life playing big mama tit to my mother only to have had her shank me in the kidney a couple months ago and that was it, I am done. > > > Hello all my KO buddies. Life intrudes and so busy that I ve been > pretty sparse in posting, but I do get in to skim from time to time. > > Welcome to so many new KOs. As the man said while giving a speech > inside a prison, well, its nice to see so many of you here today! > > Sorry that you have this to deal with, but glad you have found this > place. > > I thought it was worth considering what our goals are as KOs. > > What we all want, wish for, dream of, is finding that perfect thing, > word, letter, action, speech or whatever, that will make mom be real and > healthy and not Nada. Of course we feel this, for we were taught at the > nipple to be responsible for Mom s happiness, balance, and sanity. Once > we are able to see how broken she is, how really screwed up a BP can be, > our natural, first, and most persistant desire is to fix her. > > Problem with that ? > > She doesnt want to be fixed in most cases. > > We are not trained therapists, in most cases, and lack the skills to > help her heal. > > If we were, we are her children and we can t be the ones to do it. > > So, what is our goal? > > I believe the best we can hope for is to make changes in ourselves. > We can choose those things that let us be happy, and sane, and if, with > regret, that means a limited place for Nada, or no place, then that is > what we must choose. > > We can choose to heal, and be happy and healthy for ourselves, but not > for any other. Not mom, nada, sister, friend, spouse, no one. > > So , let us look to ourselves first. And if, by some good fortune, Nada > chooses a path that leads to her healing, and a healthy relationship > becomes possible, we can always be open to nurture it. > > I find the following prayer, from Reinhold Neiber, a comforting > meditation. Whether we deal with an addiction that must be dealt with > on terms of reality, or a BP mother, the words are a comfort to me, and > to many. > > God, give us grace to accept with serenity > the things that cannot be changed, > Courage to change the things > which should be changed, > and the Wisdom to distinguish > the one from the other. > > Living one day at a time, > Enjoying one moment at a time, > Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace, > Taking, as Jesus did, > This sinful world as it is, > Not as I would have it, > Trusting that You will make all things right, > If I surrender to Your will, > So that I may be reasonably happy in this life, > And supremely happy with You forever in the next. > > Amen > > Doug > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 4, 2011 Report Share Posted August 4, 2011 Big Mama Tit! I love it! Wonderful screen name! You lll have me grinning all day at that one. Doug > > good question! > at this point I don't care if my parents change or not. I have spent my life playing big mama tit to my mother only to have had her shank me in the kidney a couple months ago and that was it, I am done. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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