BPD sis is preggers- have a bad reaction

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone,

Ok, so once again I am breaking group norm and posting about my BPD sister

instead of my nada. Forgive me in advance!

I just got a call from my BPD sister telling me that she is pregnant. She and I

have a really rough relationship the past few years. I am often the target of

all her unwanted feelings and she has put me down for pretty much everything

imaginable (I'm thinking projections). In the past, however, we used to be

really close. She was like my second mother when my nada was raging or

emotionally absent. I always wanted to be just like her and tried to be for a

long time. Things changed in our relationship when I began to individuate from

her.

Anyway, so she called me today to tell me she was pregnant and I felt flooded

with tons of emotions I didnt understand. First I was unsure what to say because

the last time she called me to tell me she was pregnant, she was getting an

abortion. She developed PTSD symptoms after the abortion and I supported her

through that which was pretty tough for me emotionally as well. So that was

going on. And then, to be honest, I felt a little jealous. I guess there is

still a part of me that wants her to be my mother like she used to be,

especially since my nada and I are LC right now. Finally, I think part of me

felt afraid for the child. Like, what will happen if she treats the baby the way

I was/am treated? That probably scares me the most.

I'm sitting at work counting down the hours until I get to go to therapy tonight

so I can process all this but I thought I would go ahead and post about it as

well just in case anyone had any reactions, words of wisdom, similar

experiences, etc.

Thanks for listing everyone,

Tucket

[Guest guest]

It's understandable that you would be feeling that way after all you've already

been through. I think any child of a parent with BPD is seriously at-risk. I

know why you are concerned about that, too.

Are you still expected to be your sister's emotional support?

I hope you find your T session tonight helpful.

Sveta

[Guest guest]

Hi Sveta,

Thank you for the response. Therapy was definitely very helpful last night.

Something I realized was that I feel like my family (three siblings and my

parents, all living on the east coast while I am on the west) are moving on

without me. I am LC with my mom, BPD sister, and other sister with various

mental health issues. I am close with my brother but he is dealing with major

depression and is really not in to talking much of the time. I speak with my dad

regularly but it is usually about work, money, or him complaining about nada.

This has been one of the most difficult years of my life (planning my wedding on

my own, moving, job hunting, trying to get licensed for my career, etc) and I

have had virtually no support or even contact from my mom or sisters. I have

felt really lonely and abandoned. Fortunately, I have an amazing fiance and

super supportive friends so I haven't been alone but family has always mattered

so much to me and now it feels like I dont have one. When my sister told me she

was pregnant and that the rest of the family was really excited, I guess I felt

like they were really moving on without me (I am the only one who has gone LC

with nada). I am realizing its more than just being about her getting pregnant

and really about my guilt and mixed emotions about separating myself from my

family. I know I am doing the right thing for myself by setting boundaries with

my nada and my sisters but now I feel like I am paying the price. I'm really

confused.

>

> It's understandable that you would be feeling that way after all you've

already been through. I think any child of a parent with BPD is seriously

at-risk. I know why you are concerned about that, too.

>

> Are you still expected to be your sister's emotional support?

>

> I hope you find your T session tonight helpful.

>

> Sveta

>

[Guest guest]

It sounds like you are alternately feeling torn and enmeshed with your sister.

She called you to do the emotional clean up, and it sounds like you need a break

from that role--as you said, you have lots of emotions from the last time you

still need to wade through.

You could tell your sister that you are too fragile right now and cannot help

her this time--it is your right as a person to step back and protect yourself

(you could also quietly avoid her by becoming less available and not return

calls). This drama is not a situation of your making, and it doesn't have to be

your fight.

> >

> > It's understandable that you would be feeling that way after all you've

already been through. I think any child of a parent with BPD is seriously

at-risk. I know why you are concerned about that, too.

> >

> > Are you still expected to be your sister's emotional support?

> >

> > I hope you find your T session tonight helpful.

> >

> > Sveta

> >

>

[Guest guest]

This is understandable too--we often envision people staying stagnant, in the

same place we left them. Take out that list you made about why you chose to cut

off contact (or make one now). Put it somewhere handy you can get to it if you

need to--when you start feeling nostalgic, take it out and remind yourself what

the bad times looked like. I have to do this every so often myself, to keep my

resolve.

>

> Hi Sveta,

>

> Thank you for the response. Therapy was definitely very helpful last night.

Something I realized was that I feel like my family (three siblings and my

parents, all living on the east coast while I am on the west) are moving on

without me. I am LC with my mom, BPD sister, and other sister with various

mental health issues. I am close with my brother but he is dealing with major

depression and is really not in to talking much of the time. I speak with my dad

regularly but it is usually about work, money, or him complaining about nada.

This has been one of the most difficult years of my life (planning my wedding on

my own, moving, job hunting, trying to get licensed for my career, etc) and I

have had virtually no support or even contact from my mom or sisters. I have

felt really lonely and abandoned. Fortunately, I have an amazing fiance and

super supportive friends so I haven't been alone but family has always mattered

so much to me and now it feels like I dont have one. When my sister told me she

was pregnant and that the rest of the family was really excited, I guess I felt

like they were really moving on without me (I am the only one who has gone LC

with nada). I am realizing its more than just being about her getting pregnant

and really about my guilt and mixed emotions about separating myself from my

family. I know I am doing the right thing for myself by setting boundaries with

my nada and my sisters but now I feel like I am paying the price. I'm really

confused.

>

>

[Guest guest]

I bet it feels a little bit like the focus will be on her and her baby now,

instead of you and your wedding. Not that it's a competition, but if there's

attention to be had, a person with BPD is going to want it ALL.

I'm sorry your family isn't able to be the support you need. I think we all

crave a family we can be close to and lean on. Yours sounds like they're just

not safe to count on for things like that...better to make a new support

network--a " chosen " family.

And as echobabe said...there's a difference between closeness and enmeshment. We

want closeness but can't have it with dysfunctional people without them trying

to absorb us. It just isn't safe.

Sveta

[Guest guest]

Thanks everyone. I really like the idea of making a list of why I am distancing

myself. I definitely need reminders a lot. It continues to boggle my mind that I

can be so angry at my nada and sister for the things that they do and then, a

few days later, miss the enmeshment with them. I can't even believe I'm saying

that. I guess when we were enmeshed, I was perfect to them, I was everything

they needed. Now it hurts for me to know that they think of me as a selfish,

mean, horror of a person, even if I know " why " they are thinking it. Its so hard

to give up the fantasy of having a close family. I think my nada fought so hard

for us to look like the " perfect family " in public when we were young (even

though things were a occassionally a nightmare at home) that I picked up on

trying to actually be perfect. I'm trying really hard to let that go. It's so

hard!

>

> I bet it feels a little bit like the focus will be on her and her baby now,

instead of you and your wedding. Not that it's a competition, but if there's

attention to be had, a person with BPD is going to want it ALL.

>

> I'm sorry your family isn't able to be the support you need. I think we all

crave a family we can be close to and lean on. Yours sounds like they're just

not safe to count on for things like that...better to make a new support

network--a " chosen " family.

>

> And as echobabe said...there's a difference between closeness and enmeshment.

We want closeness but can't have it with dysfunctional people without them

trying to absorb us. It just isn't safe.

>

> Sveta

>