MOM WITH bpd AND PARKINSONS

[Guest guest]

I just joined and I hoping to get others experiences with an elderly sick parent

with bpd. My mother has had parkinsons disease for about six years. She is

getting worse. She has always has the bpd and I cannot remember a time she was

out of control and making a mess of her life. She constantly mistrusts others.

She is very paranoid and constantly believes someone will break in her house.

She refuses to discuss any kind of in home care. I can barely getting her to see

her neurologist and even then takes her meds as she sees fit. She refuses to

make any plans for her deteriorating health. On a recent outburst she mentioned

she will just kill herself. I don't think she is suicidal but I worry that

may eventually be her plan since she has told me she will never go in a nursing

home. I have not been in contact with her since Sept. except by letter. I had

been taking her shopping and to the DR. about once a month even though I live an

hour away. I also was calling her every week so she could vent all her problems.

I am married with two teenage kids and I work full time in a very demanding

professional job. My job has gotten more hectic and I was unable to see her for

a few weeks. In Sept. she let me know I wasn't cutting it. Accused me of

trying to take her house while having her tantrum. I am her only child and one

of the few people left that even was speaking to her. I have never asked her for

anything and just want her to leave me alone. However I also feel horrible that

I cannot help her. I am back in therapy for the fourth time in my life. My

husband, kids, friends and therapist have told me not to go back and get hurt

again and again.

[Guest guest]

I think the thing you really need to keep reminding yourself is

that she is an adult and thus gets to make her own decisions.

You can't force her to do what is best for herself as long as

she is legally considered to be competent. If she refuses to get

adequate medical treatment, that's her choice. If she commits

suicide, again, that's her choice. It is not your responsibility

to somehow make sure she does what she should. You are

responsible for yourself. She is responsible for herself. It is

hard to see someone you care about making bad choices, but the

blame doesn't rest on you if that's what she does. Please try

not to beat yourself up for something you have no control over.

It sounds like your husband, kids, friends and therapist are

right. It isn't your fault that you can't help her. There's not

much you can do to help when someone doesn't really want to be

helped. You can't change her and she's unlikely to change

herself at this point. You can change the way you react to her

misbehavior. Working at a demanding job and raising two

teen-agers is plenty for you to do.

At 03:43 PM 03/12/2012 searchingkid64 wrote:

>I just joined and I hoping to get others experiences with an

>elderly sick parent with bpd. My mother has had parkinsons

>disease for about six years. She is getting worse. She has

>always has the bpd and I cannot remember a time she was out of

>control and making a mess of her life. She constantly

>mistrusts others. She is very paranoid and constantly believes

>someone will break in her house. She refuses to discuss any

>kind of in home care. I can barely getting her to see her

>neurologist and even then takes her meds as she sees fit. She

>refuses to make any plans for her deteriorating health. On a

>recent outburst she mentioned she will just kill herself. I

>don't think she is suicidal but I worry that may eventually be

>her plan since she has told me she will never go in a nursing

>home. I have not been in contact with her since Sept. except by

>letter. I had been taking her shopping and to the DR. about

>once a month even though I live an hour away. I also was

>calling her every week so she could vent all her problems. I

>am married with two teenage kids and I work full time in a very

>demanding professional job. My job has gotten more hectic and

>I was unable to see her for a few weeks. In Sept. she let me

>know I wasn't cutting it. Accused me of trying to take her

>house while having her tantrum. I am her only child and one of

>the few people left that even was speaking to her. I have never

>asked her for anything and just want her to leave me

>alone. However I also feel horrible that I cannot help her. I

>am back in therapy for the fourth time in my life. My husband,

>kids, friends and therapist have told me not to go back and get

>hurt again and again.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

My Sister and I (my Sister, really) recently went through a very similar

situation with our elderly mother who had borderline pd and narcissistic pd and

obsessive-compulsive pd, and who passed away from senile dementia (Alzheimer's)

just before Christmas. Over about the final 18 months or so of nada's life,

she began acting more and more paranoid and delusional and even violent, and

began acting out in public.

Over just a few months' time it became clear that our mother was no longer able

to care for herself and was a danger to herself and others, and to make a long

story short our mom was eventually diagnosed with senile dementia. At that

point, Sister was given legal guardianship of our mother. That gave Sister the

ability to have mother relocated into a very nice residential care home with an

Alzheimer's wing, where mom would have supervision 24/7.

Its very sad and very frustrating, but it appears that in a lot of cases, we

simply have to watch as our bpd mother deteriorates until she becomes a danger

to herself and others, before we can help her.

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. Keep posting here, we

understand what a stressful and sad situation it is, and can offer emotional

support.

-Annie

>

> I just joined and I hoping to get others experiences with an elderly sick

parent with bpd. My mother has had parkinsons disease for about six years. She

is getting worse. She has always has the bpd and I cannot remember a time she

was out of control and making a mess of her life. She constantly mistrusts

others. She is very paranoid and constantly believes someone will break in her

house. She refuses to discuss any kind of in home care. I can barely getting

her to see her neurologist and even then takes her meds as she sees fit. She

refuses to make any plans for her deteriorating health. On a recent outburst

she mentioned she will just kill herself. I don't think she is suicidal but I

worry that may eventually be her plan since she has told me she will never go in

a nursing home. I have not been in contact with her since Sept. except by

letter. I had been taking her shopping and to the DR. about once a month even

though I live an hour away. I also was calling her every week so she could vent

all her problems. I am married with two teenage kids and I work full time in a

very demanding professional job. My job has gotten more hectic and I was unable

to see her for a few weeks. In Sept. she let me know I wasn't cutting it.

Accused me of trying to take her house while having her tantrum. I am her only

child and one of the few people left that even was speaking to her. I have never

asked her for anything and just want her to leave me alone. However I also feel

horrible that I cannot help her. I am back in therapy for the fourth time in my

life. My husband, kids, friends and therapist have told me not to go back and

get hurt again and again.

>

[Guest guest]

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this - I am in just in the beginning of this

territory and it is rough. I am an only child too and I know what it's like to

realize that you are literally the ONLY person (because they won't let anyone

else help) who stands between them and numerous bad outcomes. But at the end

of the day if they are determined to destroy themselves through refusing outside

help or following appropriate medical care it is out of our hands. Until they

reach a point of legal incompetence. And I'll tell you the bar for that is so

high it is ridiculous - pretty much if they know who they are, where they are,

and when they are they count as competent. If you do feel your mother is in

danger though you could call adult protective services to check on her - that is

what I plan to do if things reach a certain point with my mother.

I had a pretty big breakthrough this past week because I've been watching a lot

of A & E's Hoarders episodes. My mother has had problems with this for a number

of years on top of the BPD/NPD and now possible beginning dementia. What I saw

on those episodes was the effect on many different adult children of their

parent's craziness. I also saw multiple trained professionals be stymied and

unable to successfully confront craziness at times. And then I thought....if a

trained psychologist that is objective and who would suffer no personal

consequences for speaking truth can't make a crazy hoarder see reason - why have

I been so hard on myself because *I* can't? And to tie this back into BPD,

consider how many therapists refuse to even treat people with BPD because they

can't deal with them?

These mothers of ours ARE crazy and there are limits to how much we can do, how

much anyone can do. I finally found a small measure of forgiveness for myself

in this, I hope that you can too.

Take care,

Eliza

>

> I just joined and I hoping to get others experiences with an elderly sick

parent with bpd. My mother has had parkinsons disease for about six years. She

is getting worse. She has always has the bpd and I cannot remember a time she

was out of control and making a mess of her life. She constantly mistrusts

others. She is very paranoid and constantly believes someone will break in her

house. She refuses to discuss any kind of in home care. I can barely getting

her to see her neurologist and even then takes her meds as she sees fit. She

refuses to make any plans for her deteriorating health. On a recent outburst

she mentioned she will just kill herself. I don't think she is suicidal but I

worry that may eventually be her plan since she has told me she will never go in

a nursing home. I have not been in contact with her since Sept. except by

letter. I had been taking her shopping and to the DR. about once a month even

though I live an hour away. I also was calling her every week so she could vent

all her problems. I am married with two teenage kids and I work full time in a

very demanding professional job. My job has gotten more hectic and I was unable

to see her for a few weeks. In Sept. she let me know I wasn't cutting it.

Accused me of trying to take her house while having her tantrum. I am her only

child and one of the few people left that even was speaking to her. I have never

asked her for anything and just want her to leave me alone. However I also feel

horrible that I cannot help her. I am back in therapy for the fourth time in my

life. My husband, kids, friends and therapist have told me not to go back and

get hurt again and again.

>

[Guest guest]

I will reiterate again and again my previous post. We need a book on BPD and

aging! We have just put Fada in a nursing home. He lived with us for 2 years and

8 months and they have been the longest 2 years and 8 months of my life. My

husband is a physician and even he was hard pressed as to how to deal with Fada.

From this support group I see recurring themes. 1) The BPD parent is hell bent

on destroying themselves by ignoring common sense and sound medical advice. 2)

The BPD parent seems to be moving toward a stage of complete and total

helplessness 3) This state of helplessness seems to stem from their sense of

entitlement (when my father moved in he was in really good shape he walked with

a cane and could fix meals in the microwave and get his own water, juice and

milk from the fridge) He rejected Physical Therapy continually manipulated us to

wait on him and by his refusal to help himself and his sense of entitlement that

this was owed to him by us he let his physical condition deteriorate to the

point he now can't live with us. 4) The state of helplessness also seems to stem

from a desire to be a baby. Many people on this site mention adult diapers and

potty chairs when the BPD parent is capable of walking to the bathroom (When

Fada moved in he was perfectly capable but he wanted us to wash him and he

wanted to sit in the family room and pee in his diaper instead of getting up and

walking to the bathroom) He moved in when I was 7 weeks post op from a knee

replacement and his excuse was that he hurt, like I didn't? Back to the desire

to be a baby, it seems to me that whatever trauma happened to the BPD parent in

infancy or early childhood if they live long enough they return to total

helplessness and dependency-like an infant- and it's almost like they want to go

back to that state and have us parent and baby them so they can heal. They

didn't get it the first time around and by God they're going to make us give it

to them this time. 5) The BPD parent equates pity with love. My father was

constantly needing, cloying and waif-like and when he wasn't demanding my

attention that way he was demeaning, critical and nasty 6) The BPD parent seems

to be moving towards a state of constant and complete depression 7) The BPD

parent is at their most helpless with children and grandchildren, not knowing

where the BPD parent stops and we begin and wanting us to do it for them. If he

could have he would have made me chew and swallow his food for him. My father

made me wheel a wheelchair to his bedside back it up 10 feet and then wheel him

to the potty chair which my husband had wedged next to the bed. He could have

stood up and taken two steps and sat down and it would have been easier than

what we went through If my husband walked into the room, my dad would stand up

and take his two steps to the potty chair.

No matter what we did my father declined not because he was having a stroke or a

heart attack, or diabetes, he just simply refused to try anything that would

improve his physical condition. His last trip to the doctor took 3 people to get

him their and after that we stopped taking him. Which was what he wanted.

It is like they are committing suicide by way of mental illness. Dad would get

up from his chair sit in the wheel chair and I would wheel him to the bed and

then he would make feeble attempts at getting up and say he couldn't do it but

if my husband walked in the room he stood up and got in bed.

He is in a nursing home because he fell and bumped his head and his skin was

beginning to break down (the beginnings of bed sores) and my husband, God bless

him, told Fada time to do something different you are going to a nursing home.

MY husband didn't even make me be the bad guy he did it for me. What a hero!

We can not prove Dad incompetent either! However, if their health breaks down so

much and they can not care for themselves at home and you can not care for them

in your home (I now have arthritis of the spine due to damage from FAda making

me lift him with a gait strap and push him in the wheelchair. They can go to

nursing home care, they will lose all of their assets. IF YOU CAN AFFORD IT GO

SEE AN ATTORNEY NOW WHO SPECIALIZES IN ELDER LAW! This was the smartest move I

ever made. We may be able to save half of Fada's assets and you hire the

attorney to represent your parent and if you're lucky the attorney is telling

nursing home, adult protective services etc, parent is not safe on their own.

This post is going on forever. I will write more info later you have enough to

absorb for now.

Good luck! I too an an only child! I feel your pain. As Doug says " may we all

heal "

Kay

> >

> > I just joined and I hoping to get others experiences with an elderly sick

parent with bpd. My mother has had parkinsons disease for about six years. She

is getting worse. She has always has the bpd and I cannot remember a time she

was out of control and making a mess of her life. She constantly mistrusts

others. She is very paranoid and constantly believes someone will break in her

house. She refuses to discuss any kind of in home care. I can barely getting

her to see her neurologist and even then takes her meds as she sees fit. She

refuses to make any plans for her deteriorating health. On a recent outburst

she mentioned she will just kill herself. I don't think she is suicidal but I

worry that may eventually be her plan since she has told me she will never go in

a nursing home. I have not been in contact with her since Sept. except by

letter. I had been taking her shopping and to the DR. about once a month even

though I live an hour away. I also was calling her every week so she could vent

all her problems. I am married with two teenage kids and I work full time in a

very demanding professional job. My job has gotten more hectic and I was unable

to see her for a few weeks. In Sept. she let me know I wasn't cutting it.

Accused me of trying to take her house while having her tantrum. I am her only

child and one of the few people left that even was speaking to her. I have never

asked her for anything and just want her to leave me alone. However I also feel

horrible that I cannot help her. I am back in therapy for the fourth time in my

life. My husband, kids, friends and therapist have told me not to go back and

get hurt again and again.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you everyone! My mother tries to make me feel like I am the one with a

problem. Friends and family care but they don't really understand. There's

also very few people I can even discuss any of this with (or want to ). Your

posts are so supportive and for the first time (before I found this site) I

don't feel so alone.

> > >

> > > I just joined and I hoping to get others experiences with an elderly sick

parent with bpd. My mother has had parkinsons disease for about six years. She

is getting worse. She has always has the bpd and I cannot remember a time she

was out of control and making a mess of her life. She constantly mistrusts

others. She is very paranoid and constantly believes someone will break in her

house. She refuses to discuss any kind of in home care. I can barely getting

her to see her neurologist and even then takes her meds as she sees fit. She

refuses to make any plans for her deteriorating health. On a recent outburst

she mentioned she will just kill herself. I don't think she is suicidal but I

worry that may eventually be her plan since she has told me she will never go in

a nursing home. I have not been in contact with her since Sept. except by

letter. I had been taking her shopping and to the DR. about once a month even

though I live an hour away. I also was calling her every week so she could vent

all her problems. I am married with two teenage kids and I work full time in a

very demanding professional job. My job has gotten more hectic and I was unable

to see her for a few weeks. In Sept. she let me know I wasn't cutting it.

Accused me of trying to take her house while having her tantrum. I am her only

child and one of the few people left that even was speaking to her. I have never

asked her for anything and just want her to leave me alone. However I also feel

horrible that I cannot help her. I am back in therapy for the fourth time in my

life. My husband, kids, friends and therapist have told me not to go back and

get hurt again and again.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

<<Back to the desire to be a baby, it seems to me that whatever trauma happened

to the BPD parent in infancy or early childhood if they live long enough they

return to total helplessness and dependency-like an infant- and it's almost like

they want to go back to that state and have us parent and baby them so they can

heal. They didn't get it the first time around and by God they're going to make

us give it to them this time. >>

Â

I think this can happen earlier on than the senior years. In her 40s, my nada

began to " pamper and baby " herself,  also trying to have me be her " parent " Â

 and " confidant " and she sought or demanded other things, all as

" entitlements " . I'm not so sure it's ever intended to self-heal. Â

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Wednesday, March 14, 2012 11:36 AM

Subject: Re: MOM WITH bpd AND PARKINSONS

Â

I will reiterate again and again my previous post. We need a book on BPD and

aging! We have just put Fada in a nursing home. He lived with us for 2 years and

8 months and they have been the longest 2 years and 8 months of my life. My

husband is a physician and even he was hard pressed as to how to deal with Fada.

From this support group I see recurring themes. 1) The BPD parent is hell bent

on destroying themselves by ignoring common sense and sound medical advice. 2)

The BPD parent seems to be moving toward a stage of complete and total

helplessness 3) This state of helplessness seems to stem from their sense of

entitlement (when my father moved in he was in really good shape he walked with

a cane and could fix meals in the microwave and get his own water, juice and

milk from the fridge) He rejected Physical Therapy continually manipulated us to

wait on him and by his refusal to help himself and his sense of entitlement that

this was owed to him by us

he let his physical condition deteriorate to the point he now can't live with

us. 4) The state of helplessness also seems to stem from a desire to be a baby.

Many people on this site mention adult diapers and potty chairs when the BPD

parent is capable of walking to the bathroom (When Fada moved in he was

perfectly capable but he wanted us to wash him and he wanted to sit in the

family room and pee in his diaper instead of getting up and walking to the

bathroom) He moved in when I was 7 weeks post op from a knee replacement and his

excuse was that he hurt, like I didn't? Back to the desire to be a baby, it

seems to me that whatever trauma happened to the BPD parent in infancy or early

childhood if they live long enough they return to total helplessness and

dependency-like an infant- and it's almost like they want to go back to that

state and have us parent and baby them so they can heal. They didn't get it the

first time around and by God they're going

to make us give it to them this time. 5) The BPD parent equates pity with love.

My father was constantly needing, cloying and waif-like and when he wasn't

demanding my attention that way he was demeaning, critical and nasty 6) The BPD

parent seems to be moving towards a state of constant and complete depression 7)

The BPD parent is at their most helpless with children and grandchildren, not

knowing where the BPD parent stops and we begin and wanting us to do it for

them. If he could have he would have made me chew and swallow his food for him.

My father made me wheel a wheelchair to his bedside back it up 10 feet and then

wheel him to the potty chair which my husband had wedged next to the bed. He

could have stood up and taken two steps and sat down and it would have been

easier than what we went through If my husband walked into the room, my dad

would stand up and take his two steps to the potty chair.

No matter what we did my father declined not because he was having a stroke or a

heart attack, or diabetes, he just simply refused to try anything that would

improve his physical condition. His last trip to the doctor took 3 people to get

him their and after that we stopped taking him. Which was what he wanted.

It is like they are committing suicide by way of mental illness. Dad would get

up from his chair sit in the wheel chair and I would wheel him to the bed and

then he would make feeble attempts at getting up and say he couldn't do it but

if my husband walked in the room he stood up and got in bed.

He is in a nursing home because he fell and bumped his head and his skin was

beginning to break down (the beginnings of bed sores) and my husband, God bless

him, told Fada time to do something different you are going to a nursing home.

MY husband didn't even make me be the bad guy he did it for me. What a hero!

We can not prove Dad incompetent either! However, if their health breaks down so

much and they can not care for themselves at home and you can not care for them

in your home (I now have arthritis of the spine due to damage from FAda making

me lift him with a gait strap and push him in the wheelchair. They can go to

nursing home care, they will lose all of their assets. IF YOU CAN AFFORD IT GO

SEE AN ATTORNEY NOW WHO SPECIALIZES IN ELDER LAW! This was the smartest move I

ever made. We may be able to save half of Fada's assets and you hire the

attorney to represent your parent and if you're lucky the attorney is telling

nursing home, adult protective services etc, parent is not safe on their own.

This post is going on forever. I will write more info later you have enough to

absorb for now.

Good luck! I too an an only child! I feel your pain. As Doug says " may we all

heal "

Kay

> >

> > I just joined and I hoping to get others experiences with an elderly sick

parent with bpd. My mother has had parkinsons disease for about six years. She

is getting worse. She has always has the bpd and I cannot remember a time she

was out of control and making a mess of her life. She constantly mistrusts

others. She is very paranoid and constantly believes someone will break in her

house. She refuses to discuss any kind of in home care. I can barely getting her

to see her neurologist and even then takes her meds as she sees fit. She refuses

to make any plans for her deteriorating health. On a recent outburst she

mentioned she will just kill herself. I don't think she is suicidal but I worry

that may eventually be her plan since she has told me she will never go in a

nursing home. I have not been in contact with her since Sept. except by letter.

I had been taking her shopping and to the DR. about once a month even though I

live an hour away. I also

was calling her every week so she could vent all her problems. I am married

with two teenage kids and I work full time in a very demanding professional job.

My job has gotten more hectic and I was unable to see her for a few weeks. In

Sept. she let me know I wasn't cutting it. Accused me of trying to take her

house while having her tantrum. I am her only child and one of the few people

left that even was speaking to her. I have never asked her for anything and just

want her to leave me alone. However I also feel horrible that I cannot help her.

I am back in therapy for the fourth time in my life. My husband, kids, friends

and therapist have told me not to go back and get hurt again and again.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Happy to meet you. You may feel alone in this battle of the wills but you're

not. Many of us are in similar circumstances. My nada (mom) is BPD and 83 years

old. My Dad died 3 1/2 years ago and it's been up to me and my husband to care

for her. I'm an only child too (sort of - she has a son from her first marriage

that she dumped then dumped again when he tried to get to know her). My nada has

trouble with the basic things around the house like the thermostat, the phone,

the toaster oven. But she's clever enough to act so charming and bright when she

goes to the doctor. Anybody can fake it for 15 minutes. But in reality she can

barely do the basics around her home.

What can I do? I offer to help. Sometimes she allows it; sometimes she cuts me

off and is mean. I don't want to see her injured but then again, if that

happened, a medical decision would be made and I could get her into a home. That

would be a huge support for me. Right now I just wait and try to hang on to my

sanity.

I live 1/2 hour from my nada and I typically see her twice a week, to do errands

and listen to her complain about all the neighbors and her failing health (all

the doctors tell her she's fine).

Anyway, you can see that we completely understand how you feel. Please drop in,

tell us your most recent frustrations, old memories, whatever will help you feel

better. We may have helpful hints but more importantly, we know what you're

talking about. You won't get any of that stuff, " But she's your mother. She's

special. " Gag me.

>

> I just joined and I hoping to get others experiences with an elderly sick

parent with bpd. My mother has had parkinsons disease for about six years. She

is getting worse. She has always has the bpd and I cannot remember a time she

was out of control and making a mess of her life. She constantly mistrusts

others. She is very paranoid and constantly believes someone will break in her

house. She refuses to discuss any kind of in home care. I can barely getting

her to see her neurologist and even then takes her meds as she sees fit. She

refuses to make any plans for her deteriorating health. On a recent outburst

she mentioned she will just kill herself. I don't think she is suicidal but I

worry that may eventually be her plan since she has told me she will never go in

a nursing home. I have not been in contact with her since Sept. except by

letter. I had been taking her shopping and to the DR. about once a month even

though I live an hour away. I also was calling her every week so she could vent

all her problems. I am married with two teenage kids and I work full time in a

very demanding professional job. My job has gotten more hectic and I was unable

to see her for a few weeks. In Sept. she let me know I wasn't cutting it.

Accused me of trying to take her house while having her tantrum. I am her only

child and one of the few people left that even was speaking to her. I have never

asked her for anything and just want her to leave me alone. However I also feel

horrible that I cannot help her. I am back in therapy for the fourth time in my

life. My husband, kids, friends and therapist have told me not to go back and

get hurt again and again.

>

[Guest guest]

I agree ; I think such behaviors are more due to a narcissistic sense of

entitlement than anything else; narcissists don't think there's anything wrong

with them, so there is no need to " heal " anything.

Your pd father, Racconto/Kay, also had/has a whole other agenda going on:

he specifically wanted *you* to touch him. That is my impression because of

your description of how he would refuse to move himself around or take care of

his own personal hygiene needs when you were caring for him, forcing you to lift

him, wash him, etc. But when your husband was the one tending to your father,

then bpd father would be much more mobile and able to wash himself, etc.

For that reason alone, I'm so glad for you that you finally were able to have

your pd father relocated to a nursing home.

I hope you or someone will write a book about the issues of caring for an aging,

physically impaired parent who also has personality disorder. I think it would

do a lot of good for a lot of people.

-Annie

> > >

> > > I just joined and I hoping to get others experiences with an elderly sick

parent with bpd. My mother has had parkinsons disease for about six years. She

is getting worse. She has always has the bpd and I cannot remember a time she

was out of control and making a mess of her life. She constantly mistrusts

others. She is very paranoid and constantly believes someone will break in her

house. She refuses to discuss any kind of in home care. I can barely getting her

to see her neurologist and even then takes her meds as she sees fit. She refuses

to make any plans for her deteriorating health. On a recent outburst she

mentioned she will just kill herself. I don't think she is suicidal but I worry

that may eventually be her plan since she has told me she will never go in a

nursing home. I have not been in contact with her since Sept. except by letter.

I had been taking her shopping and to the DR. about once a month even though I

live an hour away. I also

> was calling her every week so she could vent all her problems. I am married

with two teenage kids and I work full time in a very demanding professional job.

My job has gotten more hectic and I was unable to see her for a few weeks. In

Sept. she let me know I wasn't cutting it. Accused me of trying to take her

house while having her tantrum. I am her only child and one of the few people

left that even was speaking to her. I have never asked her for anything and just

want her to leave me alone. However I also feel horrible that I cannot help her.

I am back in therapy for the fourth time in my life. My husband, kids, friends

and therapist have told me not to go back and get hurt again and again.

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I wonder is Tagimit around and doing okay? I bet she'd be interested in this.

Searchingkid, her elderly mother tried to shut her in a room with her and

wouldn't unblock the door for a bit. That freaked me out just reading about

it.

Eliza

>

> I just joined and I hoping to get others experiences with an elderly sick

parent with bpd. My mother has had parkinsons disease for about six years. She

is getting worse. She has always has the bpd and I cannot remember a time she

was out of control and making a mess of her life. She constantly mistrusts

others. She is very paranoid and constantly believes someone will break in her

house. She refuses to discuss any kind of in home care. I can barely getting

her to see her neurologist and even then takes her meds as she sees fit. She

refuses to make any plans for her deteriorating health. On a recent outburst

she mentioned she will just kill herself. I don't think she is suicidal but I

worry that may eventually be her plan since she has told me she will never go in

a nursing home. I have not been in contact with her since Sept. except by

letter. I had been taking her shopping and to the DR. about once a month even

though I live an hour away. I also was calling her every week so she could vent

all her problems. I am married with two teenage kids and I work full time in a

very demanding professional job. My job has gotten more hectic and I was unable

to see her for a few weeks. In Sept. she let me know I wasn't cutting it.

Accused me of trying to take her house while having her tantrum. I am her only

child and one of the few people left that even was speaking to her. I have never

asked her for anything and just want her to leave me alone. However I also feel

horrible that I cannot help her. I am back in therapy for the fourth time in my

life. My husband, kids, friends and therapist have told me not to go back and

get hurt again and again.

>

[Guest guest]

I can't believe it! My mother is a hoarder and a BPD too! all of these posts are

eerily similar!

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Tuesday, March 13, 2012 11:08 PM

Subject: Re: MOM WITH bpd AND PARKINSONS

 

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this - I am in just in the beginning of this

territory and it is rough. I am an only child too and I know what it's like to

realize that you are literally the ONLY person (because they won't let anyone

else help) who stands between them and numerous bad outcomes. But at the end

of the day if they are determined to destroy themselves through refusing outside

help or following appropriate medical care it is out of our hands. Until they

reach a point of legal incompetence. And I'll tell you the bar for that is so

high it is ridiculous - pretty much if they know who they are, where they are,

and when they are they count as competent. If you do feel your mother is in

danger though you could call adult protective services to check on her - that is

what I plan to do if things reach a certain point with my mother.

I had a pretty big breakthrough this past week because I've been watching a lot

of A & E's Hoarders episodes. My mother has had problems with this for a number

of years on top of the BPD/NPD and now possible beginning dementia. What I saw

on those episodes was the effect on many different adult children of their

parent's craziness. I also saw multiple trained professionals be stymied and

unable to successfully confront craziness at times. And then I thought....if a

trained psychologist that is objective and who would suffer no personal

consequences for speaking truth can't make a crazy hoarder see reason - why have

I been so hard on myself because *I* can't? And to tie this back into BPD,

consider how many therapists refuse to even treat people with BPD because they

can't deal with them?

These mothers of ours ARE crazy and there are limits to how much we can do, how

much anyone can do. I finally found a small measure of forgiveness for myself

in this, I hope that you can too.

Take care,

Eliza

>

> I just joined and I hoping to get others experiences with an elderly sick

parent with bpd. My mother has had parkinsons disease for about six years. She

is getting worse. She has always has the bpd and I cannot remember a time she

was out of control and making a mess of her life. She constantly mistrusts

others. She is very paranoid and constantly believes someone will break in her

house. She refuses to discuss any kind of in home care. I can barely getting

her to see her neurologist and even then takes her meds as she sees fit. She

refuses to make any plans for her deteriorating health. On a recent outburst

she mentioned she will just kill herself. I don't think she is suicidal but I

worry that may eventually be her plan since she has told me she will never go in

a nursing home. I have not been in contact with her since Sept. except by

letter. I had been taking her shopping and to the DR. about once a month even

though I live an hour away. I

also was calling her every week so she could vent all her problems. I am

married with two teenage kids and I work full time in a very demanding

professional job. My job has gotten more hectic and I was unable to see her for

a few weeks. In Sept. she let me know I wasn't cutting it. Accused me of

trying to take her house while having her tantrum. I am her only child and one

of the few people left that even was speaking to her. I have never asked her for

anything and just want her to leave me alone. However I also feel horrible that

I cannot help her. I am back in therapy for the fourth time in my life. My

husband, kids, friends and therapist have told me not to go back and get hurt

again and again.

>

[Guest guest]

Tara, you too, eh? I've gotten a lot of validation from the children of

hoarders online and the hoarders shows. A huge proportion of hoarders also

exhibit BPD and NPD type traits. It is very rare that someone writes about a

hoarding parent and says that they have a healthy loving relationship otherwise.

Seems like some area in the brain has just gone wonky...scientifically speaking

of course!

Eliza

> >

> > I just joined and I hoping to get others experiences with an elderly sick

parent with bpd. My mother has had parkinsons disease for about six years. She

is getting worse. She has always has the bpd and I cannot remember a time she

was out of control and making a mess of her life. She constantly mistrusts

others. She is very paranoid and constantly believes someone will break in her

house. She refuses to discuss any kind of in home care. I can barely getting

her to see her neurologist and even then takes her meds as she sees fit. She

refuses to make any plans for her deteriorating health. On a recent outburst

she mentioned she will just kill herself. I don't think she is suicidal but I

worry that may eventually be her plan since she has told me she will never go in

a nursing home. I have not been in contact with her since Sept. except by

letter. I had been taking her shopping and to the DR. about once a month even

though I live an hour away. I

> also was calling her every week so she could vent all her problems. I am

married with two teenage kids and I work full time in a very demanding

professional job. My job has gotten more hectic and I was unable to see her for

a few weeks. In Sept. she let me know I wasn't cutting it. Accused me of

trying to take her house while having her tantrum. I am her only child and one

of the few people left that even was speaking to her. I have never asked her for

anything and just want her to leave me alone. However I also feel horrible that

I cannot help her. I am back in therapy for the fourth time in my life. My

husband, kids, friends and therapist have told me not to go back and get hurt

again and again.

> >

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

From what I've read, if I understand it correctly, one theory is that hoarding

behavior could be a kind of inverse/opposite expression of the more typical

" clean freak " behavior that occurs with obsessive-compulsive *personality*

disorder (which, confusingly, is not the same thing as obsessive-compulsive

disorder!)

The ICD 10 describes obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (or anankastic

pd) as exhibiting three or more of the following traits:

1-feelings of excessive doubt and caution;

2-preoccupation with details, rules, lists, order, organization or schedule;

3-perfectionism that interferes with task completion;

4-excessive conscientiousness, scrupulousness, and undue preoccupation with

productivity to the exclusion of pleasure and interpersonal relationships;

5-excessive pedantry and adherence to social conventions;

6-rigidity and stubbornness;

7-unreasonable insistence by the individual that others submit exactly to his or

her way of doing things, or unreasonable reluctance to allow others to do

things;

8-intrusion of insistent and unwelcome thoughts or impulses.

So the hoarder whose home has become a fire-hazard, and so filthy that its caked

in dirt, excrement and mold, swarming with vermin feeding on rotting garbage

and/or dead animals, is a kind of mirror-image of the hyper-clean ocpd

individual... but both hyper-cleanliness and hyper-filthiness are about

maintaining utter control of their " stuff. "

My borderline pd mother also had several of these ocpd traits (3, 5, 6, and 7,

and I'm guessing 8 also); my nada was in the " hyper-clean " category. Our house

looked more like a museum than a home that people actually lived in. Sister and

I were not even allowed to go into the living room except to dust and vacuum it;

I guess nada didn't want people-molecules in there contaminating its perfect

sterility, maintained at all times in the event that someone might drop in. As

though anybody ever just dropped in on my nada unexpectedly... ha!

The funny thing is that my nada was also a hoarder, but an extremely neat,

organized hoarder. She collected huge amounts of clothing for herself that she

would organize by color and season in her closet, along will the dozens of

matching purses and shoes and scarves and belts and other accessories that went

with each color scheme. (How many various shades of pale pink slacks and

matching pink shoes and purses can one woman possibly ever use!??) She

collected all kinds of decorative items too numerous to list, but it was all

stored in plastic boxes and neatly labeled if it wasn't on display or actively

in use.

Another theory is that the hoarded items are a form of self-soothing: the stuff

they collect is their " wealth " . They own it and totally control it, and will

never abandon them. It makes them feel " safe " . And possibly the hoarded items

are a substitute for having real relationships with real people.

So, I wanted to share that there is such a thing as a hyper-clean/ neat-freak

hoarder; my nada was one.

-Annie

> > >

> > > I just joined and I hoping to get others experiences with an elderly sick

parent with bpd. My mother has had parkinsons disease for about six years. She

is getting worse. She has always has the bpd and I cannot remember a time she

was out of control and making a mess of her life. She constantly mistrusts

others. She is very paranoid and constantly believes someone will break in her

house. She refuses to discuss any kind of in home care. I can barely getting

her to see her neurologist and even then takes her meds as she sees fit. She

refuses to make any plans for her deteriorating health. On a recent outburst

she mentioned she will just kill herself. I don't think she is suicidal but I

worry that may eventually be her plan since she has told me she will never go in

a nursing home. I have not been in contact with her since Sept. except by

letter. I had been taking her shopping and to the DR. about once a month even

though I live an hour away. I

> > also was calling her every week so she could vent all her problems. I am

married with two teenage kids and I work full time in a very demanding

professional job. My job has gotten more hectic and I was unable to see her for

a few weeks. In Sept. she let me know I wasn't cutting it. Accused me of

trying to take her house while having her tantrum. I am her only child and one

of the few people left that even was speaking to her. I have never asked her for

anything and just want her to leave me alone. However I also feel horrible that

I cannot help her. I am back in therapy for the fourth time in my life. My

husband, kids, friends and therapist have told me not to go back and get hurt

again and again.

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >