Mother coming to visit-help!

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone, I am new here and so glad to have found a place where it seems

people will understand what I have been through.

What is shocking to me is that it is only this year I realized my mother is

narcisstic. How could I have not known earlier? I am 44 years old and it is

still a shock. I am so glad I was so upset I started researching online

" difficult mother " etc and learned about narcissism and eventually this group!

Anyway after being nc with my mother for 3 years, she is coming to the West

Coast for a wedding at the end of the month. And shhe is staying with us. Can

you believe? Is this a recipe for disaster or what? She just invited herself and

told me she is coming for one week. I then suggested a hotel and she flipped out

and called me the " worst daughter in the world and I have no respect for parents

and how she never would have dared talk to her parents like that etc.... " Long

story short I caved and she is coming.

Please help. I have only 3 weeks to learn alot. I need help with boundaries I

guess and anything else you can think of. I am dreading this visit and can

predict we will fight and it will be week from hell. Please help!

Thanks so much in advance!

[Guest guest]

First of all, I understand. They are so good at manipulating us into giving them

whatever they want.

Secondly, it is not too late to change your mind. If you don't want her staying

in your house, just call her up and tell her it isn't going to work out after

all. I can tell the idea of having her in your home distresses you, and I

definitely understand that. You do not have to be her host (literally or

metaphorically). You can still say no.

Thirdly, if you do want to let her stay with you, then be prepared to kick her

out of your house when she acts up. You don't have to tolerate abuse--and that's

what it is when she tells you you're a bad daughter or yells at you or sets you

up to fail.

You are not a bad child just because your mother says so. And she will say so

anytime she doesn't get her way. When you set boundaries and say no, she'll get

mad and call you names, but it's not because you're actually doing something

morally wrong; it's because you're thinking of someone besides her. And not only

is it okay for you to do that, it's important! Your needs matter, too. So if she

gets mad enough to call you a name, consider it validation that you're doing

something right, and don't cave in. She only calls you names because she knows

it work to get her what she wants.

My mother used to use that same line: " I would *never* have spoken to MY mother

that way! " It drove me nuts. My T gave me a good response: " That's too bad. It

must have been hard not to be able to express your true feelings. "

Anyway, others will help you if you still want more advice about good boundaries

during a visit. I finally got sick of having to feel constantly on guard every

time my mother visits, so we're NC now.

Sveta

[Guest guest]

I absolutely love it when they use that line: " how dare you speak to me that

way! I'm your MOTHER! " or " I would never have spoken to my parents that way! "

and claiming you are being disrespectful.

My reply is: what way? Like one adult to another adult? Like it or not I am an

adult and just because you want something from me does not mean you are entitled

to have it no matter what else might be going on. There is absolutely nothing

disrespectful about saying you are not able to play host to her, especially when

she did not make these arrangements with you, rather TOLD you what you would do.

You are not a child. She does not get to order you around.

I would say call her up and say " Mom, I know you want to stay with me but

unfortunately we have too many commitments and not enough room for a guest in

our home at that time. Thank you for understanding. "

And leave it at that. She can caterwall and argue all she wants, you just keep

saying, " Sorry, no vacancy " . If she shows up unexpectedly, don't answer the

door. Or if you must, don't let her inside, you come outside and call her a taxi

to take her to a local hotel. Be polite, but firm about it.

That's my two cents.

>

> First of all, I understand. They are so good at manipulating us into giving

them whatever they want.

>

> Secondly, it is not too late to change your mind. If you don't want her

staying in your house, just call her up and tell her it isn't going to work out

after all. I can tell the idea of having her in your home distresses you, and I

definitely understand that. You do not have to be her host (literally or

metaphorically). You can still say no.

>

> Thirdly, if you do want to let her stay with you, then be prepared to kick her

out of your house when she acts up. You don't have to tolerate abuse--and that's

what it is when she tells you you're a bad daughter or yells at you or sets you

up to fail.

>

> You are not a bad child just because your mother says so. And she will say so

anytime she doesn't get her way. When you set boundaries and say no, she'll get

mad and call you names, but it's not because you're actually doing something

morally wrong; it's because you're thinking of someone besides her. And not only

is it okay for you to do that, it's important! Your needs matter, too. So if she

gets mad enough to call you a name, consider it validation that you're doing

something right, and don't cave in. She only calls you names because she knows

it work to get her what she wants.

>

> My mother used to use that same line: " I would *never* have spoken to MY

mother that way! " It drove me nuts. My T gave me a good response: " That's too

bad. It must have been hard not to be able to express your true feelings. "

>

> Anyway, others will help you if you still want more advice about good

boundaries during a visit. I finally got sick of having to feel constantly on

guard every time my mother visits, so we're NC now.

>

> Sveta

>

[Guest guest]

I feel for you. Welcome to the Group. I had a nervous breakdown once because

my borderline pd/narcissistic pd mother invited herself to come visit me/stay

with me, and I couldn't tell her " No, its not a good time for me, please lets

figure out a different time. " Couldn't do it, so I had a rather scary nervous

breakdown instead; couldn't stop crying for a whole three day weekend.

Here is an idea/option to consider: since she insists, let your mom stay at your

place, you (and your husband/kids?) go stay at a nearby hotel.

No joke: you need the ability to decompress and get away from the stress she

will generate; if your house has been usurped by your mother, then, you guys

stay at the hotel instead. Don't tell her, just do it. Think of it as a treat;

you'd have a swimming pool and room service. Maybe even a spa. Might be nice.

My other suggestion is to read about and practice the technique called " Medium

Chill. " Its a very short article, its posted here, look back through the posts

from about 4 or 5 days ago. Its a way of just sort of emotionally detaching,

remaining polite and calm but neutral, and not responding emotionally to her

when she goads you and picks at you & tries to engage you in a fight, tries to

make you feel guilty and responsible for her feelings, etc.

-Annie

>

> Hi everyone, I am new here and so glad to have found a place where it seems

people will understand what I have been through.

> What is shocking to me is that it is only this year I realized my mother is

narcisstic. How could I have not known earlier? I am 44 years old and it is

still a shock. I am so glad I was so upset I started researching online

" difficult mother " etc and learned about narcissism and eventually this group!

> Anyway after being nc with my mother for 3 years, she is coming to the West

Coast for a wedding at the end of the month. And shhe is staying with us. Can

you believe? Is this a recipe for disaster or what? She just invited herself and

told me she is coming for one week. I then suggested a hotel and she flipped out

and called me the " worst daughter in the world and I have no respect for parents

and how she never would have dared talk to her parents like that etc.... " Long

story short I caved and she is coming.

> Please help. I have only 3 weeks to learn alot. I need help with boundaries I

guess and anything else you can think of. I am dreading this visit and can

predict we will fight and it will be week from hell. Please help!

> Thanks so much in advance!

>

[Guest guest]

welcome to the group, I think it's great that you went NC and that you did so

without any education about your mom's mental problems. That really takes some

backbone to believe in yourself to that extent without knowing exactly what you

were dealing with. I think 3 weeks is plenty of time to reiterate the boundary

of her staying in the hotel. If you are really the worst daughter in the world,

there is really no reason why she would want to visit you. Just dealing with her

again after 3 years of NC is going to be difficult enough, but to be forced to

do so 24 hours a day is asking a bit much on her part. You will get plenty of

support and validation here no matter what you end up doing, and everyone here

understands the need for those boundaries. Hugs!

>

> Hi everyone, I am new here and so glad to have found a place where it seems

people will understand what I have been through.

> What is shocking to me is that it is only this year I realized my mother is

narcisstic. How could I have not known earlier? I am 44 years old and it is

still a shock. I am so glad I was so upset I started researching online

" difficult mother " etc and learned about narcissism and eventually this group!

> Anyway after being nc with my mother for 3 years, she is coming to the West

Coast for a wedding at the end of the month. And shhe is staying with us. Can

you believe? Is this a recipe for disaster or what? She just invited herself and

told me she is coming for one week. I then suggested a hotel and she flipped out

and called me the " worst daughter in the world and I have no respect for parents

and how she never would have dared talk to her parents like that etc.... " Long

story short I caved and she is coming.

> Please help. I have only 3 weeks to learn alot. I need help with boundaries I

guess and anything else you can think of. I am dreading this visit and can

predict we will fight and it will be week from hell. Please help!

> Thanks so much in advance!

>

[Guest guest]

OMG!!! You guys do understand!!! I am so happy to have found you. 1st let me say

I went NC for 3 years because I caught her hitting my 2 year old because he

wasn't listening to her. It gave me backbone I didn't know I had!!! I was

outraged. Its one thing to mess with me, its another to mess with my babies!

lol!!!

I am a nervous wreck. Her visit is 3 weeks away and I am walking around with my

heart beating in my chest. I try to tell myself its one week, how bad can it be?

But I know better. Family from all over the world is flying in so she will be in

major drama mood for this wedding. I wish we could stay in a hotel but money is

tight for us now. What a shame.

I am having major anxiety attacks......no good is going to come from this visit

I fear.

Thanks for listening and I loved all your suggestions! I know I don't have the

guts to call her and tell her its not going to work for us. I just can't. I

don't have it in me. I am a good daughter (I want to be at least). And I want me

children to know their grandmom.

I'm torn.

[Guest guest]

Just food for thought: you equate being a good daughter with letting your mother

take advantage of you, abuse you, and make you miserable. That's not being a

good daughter, that's being a good punching bag. And I don't think allowing your

mother to put you in such a state will help you to be a good mother to your own

children.

I know it's hard. You feel guilty. But you don't need to. There is nothing to

feel guilty for. She is encroaching on you. You are feeling guilty because SHE

can't respect your boundaries. She's the one who should feel badly, not you.

Being a good daughter does not mean you bow to every demand your mother makes.

Especially when your mother is mentally ill. You have a greater responsibility

now to protect your own family from her craziness.

I apologize if this seems harsh. I'm just trying to put your own words into a

different perspective. I hope you are able to come to a solution that will save

you the stress and anguish of the visit.

Is it possible to find another relative that she can stay with?

>

>

> OMG!!! You guys do understand!!! I am so happy to have found you. 1st let me

say I went NC for 3 years because I caught her hitting my 2 year old because he

wasn't listening to her. It gave me backbone I didn't know I had!!! I was

outraged. Its one thing to mess with me, its another to mess with my babies!

lol!!!

> I am a nervous wreck. Her visit is 3 weeks away and I am walking around with

my heart beating in my chest. I try to tell myself its one week, how bad can it

be? But I know better. Family from all over the world is flying in so she will

be in major drama mood for this wedding. I wish we could stay in a hotel but

money is tight for us now. What a shame.

> I am having major anxiety attacks......no good is going to come from this

visit I fear.

> Thanks for listening and I loved all your suggestions! I know I don't have the

guts to call her and tell her its not going to work for us. I just can't. I

don't have it in me. I am a good daughter (I want to be at least). And I want me

children to know their grandmom.

> I'm torn.

>

[Guest guest]

I got through my bpd/npd mom's unwanted visit that time (after I'd had a nervous

breakdown just anticipating it) by sort of dissociating. I went numb. I was

there, just kind of in robot-zombie mode. That's not a healthy way to deal with

such an issue, that's more of a regression: a ptsd flashback to the feelings of

entrapment and no escape in childhood. I think using " Medium Chill " is

healthier because its a conscious choice, proactive, and assertive.

I have few memories of that particular visit, now. Almost none, really. Mainly

I remember the nervous breakdown that happened before her visit.

Maybe it would give you some peace of mind and endurance to say to yourself,

" This is the very last time I will allow my mother to bulldoze over me like

this, ever again. Period. So, its seven nights. I can endure seven nights.

I can do that standing on one leg. I will be in countdown mode the whole week.

Then, that's it. Once that week is over, I never have to dread another visit

with her staying in my home ever again, because next time she invites herself

over, I will be able to say " No " with no problem. I'm choosing to allow her to

stay this one time, and giving myself permission to say " No " to her in the

future if she should do this again. "

I just thought of another strategy, but, it would require that you have a very,

very good friend who has a lot of spare time and who owes you a favor, and it

would require you being able to pull this subterfuge off with a straight face.

When your mother arrives you say casually, by way of an introduction, " Oh, by

the way mother, I may not have mentioned it but this is my friend " P " who is

staying with me for a while, so, you two will be sharing the guest bedroom

during your visit. Dear " P " , s/he is really very nice, so, I'm sure you two

will get along great with each other. Right, " P " ? Right! OK then; dinner's

at 7! "

Hopefully your mother will pitch a fit and decide that a hotel room would suit

her much better. If not, your good friend " P " gets to share a bed with your

mother for a week, and you won't have to be alone with your mother very much at

all. If your mother is like mine (like she used to be) she will remain on her

best behavior around a stranger because of her need to be perceived as

" perfect. "

Just a wild hair of a thought, to take or leave or laugh at, for your

consideration.

-Annie

>

>

> OMG!!! You guys do understand!!! I am so happy to have found you. 1st let me

say I went NC for 3 years because I caught her hitting my 2 year old because he

wasn't listening to her. It gave me backbone I didn't know I had!!! I was

outraged. Its one thing to mess with me, its another to mess with my babies!

lol!!!

> I am a nervous wreck. Her visit is 3 weeks away and I am walking around with

my heart beating in my chest. I try to tell myself its one week, how bad can it

be? But I know better. Family from all over the world is flying in so she will

be in major drama mood for this wedding. I wish we could stay in a hotel but

money is tight for us now. What a shame.

> I am having major anxiety attacks......no good is going to come from this

visit I fear.

> Thanks for listening and I loved all your suggestions! I know I don't have the

guts to call her and tell her its not going to work for us. I just can't. I

don't have it in me. I am a good daughter (I want to be at least). And I want me

children to know their grandmom.

> I'm torn.

>

[Guest guest]

I would call her up and tell her not to come. You had the guts to go NC with

her for 3 years after seeing her hit your 2 year old, so I'd say you definitely

have the guts to call her up and tell her to stay in a hotel. I went NC with my

Mom after she blamed me for wrecking her relationship with my brother, and after

she stole my child's car seat. Like you, I didn't have the guts to tell her off

previously, but when she stepped over my child's boundaries, that gave me the

strength. These days, she's afraid of me, calls me even if I don't call her,

tries to show up unannounced at my doorstep (I never open the door when she does

that), and tries to wriggle her way back into my life. I don't let her. You

can do the same. Don't let her back in. She has no right to stay with you

after having treated you so badly over the years. Try to remember the horrible

times when you were younger, and how you wished that you could just take off and

leave the house and never look back and never speak to your mother again.

THat's how I felt as a teenager, when I remember that, it gives me the strength

to stay NC. Actually, our BPD moms are LUCKY that we still pick up their phone

calls. As a teenager, I would NEVER have even picked up (had I had my own

place). I find that us KOs forgive others more quickly and more easily, because

we HAD to when we were children, we also forget a lot, especially pain. Try to

remember, and this will give you the strength to stand up to her. Make a list

of all the bad things she's ever done to you, and every time you need the

strength to go NC or say NO, just take a look at that list and you will have the

strength.

That's just my humble opinion though.

N

>

> OMG!!! You guys do understand!!! I am so happy to have found you. 1st let me

say I went NC for 3 years because I caught her hitting my 2 year old because he

wasn't listening to her. It gave me backbone I didn't know I had!!! I was

outraged. Its one thing to mess with me, its another to mess with my babies!

lol!!!

> I am a nervous wreck. Her visit is 3 weeks away and I am walking around with

my heart beating in my chest. I try to tell myself its one week, how bad can it

be? But I know better. Family from all over the world is flying in so she will

be in major drama mood for this wedding. I wish we could stay in a hotel but

money is tight for us now. What a shame.

> I am having major anxiety attacks......no good is going to come from this

visit I fear.

> Thanks for listening and I loved all your suggestions! I know I don't have the

guts to call her and tell her its not going to work for us. I just can't. I

don't have it in me. I am a good daughter (I want to be at least). And I want me

children to know their grandmom.

> I'm torn.

>

>

[Guest guest]

my T (therapist) would encourage you to ask yourself who believes a bad

daughter would tell her mother to stay elsewhere? do YOU really believe

that? or is that something your mother believes and taught you? it sounds

like one of the many brainwashings my parents did on me.

> I would call her up and tell her not to come. You had the guts to go NC

> with her for 3 years after seeing her hit your 2 year old, so I'd say you

> definitely have the guts to call her up and tell her to stay in a hotel. I

> went NC with my Mom after she blamed me for wrecking her relationship with

> my brother, and after she stole my child's car seat. Like you, I didn't

> have the guts to tell her off previously, but when she stepped over my

> child's boundaries, that gave me the strength. These days, she's afraid of

> me, calls me even if I don't call her, tries to show up unannounced at my

> doorstep (I never open the door when she does that), and tries to wriggle

> her way back into my life. I don't let her. You can do the same. Don't

> let her back in. She has no right to stay with you after having treated you

> so badly over the years. Try to remember the horrible times when you were

> younger, and how you wished that you could just take off and leave the house

> and never look back and never speak to your mother again. THat's how I felt

> as a teenager, when I remember that, it gives me the strength to stay NC.

> Actually, our BPD moms are LUCKY that we still pick up their phone calls.

> As a teenager, I would NEVER have even picked up (had I had my own place).

> I find that us KOs forgive others more quickly and more easily, because we

> HAD to when we were children, we also forget a lot, especially pain. Try to

> remember, and this will give you the strength to stand up to her. Make a

> list of all the bad things she's ever done to you, and every time you need

> the strength to go NC or say NO, just take a look at that list and you will

> have the strength.

>

> That's just my humble opinion though.

>

> N

>

>

>

> >

> > OMG!!! You guys do understand!!! I am so happy to have found you. 1st let

> me say I went NC for 3 years because I caught her hitting my 2 year old

> because he wasn't listening to her. It gave me backbone I didn't know I

> had!!! I was outraged. Its one thing to mess with me, its another to mess

> with my babies! lol!!!

> > I am a nervous wreck. Her visit is 3 weeks away and I am walking around

> with my heart beating in my chest. I try to tell myself its one week, how

> bad can it be? But I know better. Family from all over the world is flying

> in so she will be in major drama mood for this wedding. I wish we could stay

> in a hotel but money is tight for us now. What a shame.

> > I am having major anxiety attacks......no good is going to come from this

> visit I fear.

> > Thanks for listening and I loved all your suggestions! I know I don't

> have the guts to call her and tell her its not going to work for us. I just

> can't. I don't have it in me. I am a good daughter (I want to be at least).

> And I want me children to know their grandmom.

> > I'm torn.

> >

> >

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hate to say it, but I skipped my own brother's wedding because I knew nada would

be there. She has ruined occasions with her self-centeredness and drama before

and I really didn't want to risk it this time.

If you are having symptoms this badly, it seems that skipping the event and

moving to a hotel make some sense. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

--.

[Guest guest]

Uncave!

Call her back, and say, you know Mom, we have not really gotten along so

well. Our phone call when you suggested staying here was pretty good

proof of that. In any case , I ve thought about it, and it would be best

if you stayed at a hotel, or with other friends or relatives. This

arrangement would just be to hard on me.

Inviting herself is classic BPD thinking of failing to even acknowledge

your needs or boundaries. I have 4 grown kids. If we are going to

visit, we call and ask , is this a convenient time. Sometimes it is not

and we come another time. Other times, we stay in a hotel because while

the visit is welcome, the extra house guests at that time is a strain.

Only a nada would, as mine did, call and invite themselves. Or just show

up.

Once, nada had a 3 month sabbatical from her job ( intended to force her

into counseling). She showed up with her dog and suitcases. 3 months.

3 FRICKING MONTHS!

Yes, it was a disaster. Yes, yours will be a disaster. She will still

be a BP, and when her behaviors get out of line, you can t tell her to

leave and go to her hotel, or get away from her. If she were a normal

person and would respect the rules of your house, that is one thing.

But this is not normal.

You don t need to be there a week for a wedding. A day, maybe 2 if you

are involved in the rehearsal. A night in a hotel, or maybe 2. This

week long stay is about circumventing your 3 years of NC. I m sure she

will spend lots of that time telling you how horrid you are for it. You

need to have a way to get distance from her.

I speak as a KO who lived with a BP mother in my life until I was 53

years old. I ve been aware and healing for about 10 years. So I m one

of the ' Old Bulls " This is a BP manipulation and trap. Your

instincts were, and are, correct. KO s are taught and conditioned not

to trust them, but they are finely tuned. Trust your instinct. The

screaming diatribe for suggesting a hotel is an indicator of what you

can expect.

There are lots of good books you can begin to read, ( in only 3 weeks!)

, Stop Walking on Eggshells, The Complete Family Guide to BPD,

Boundaries.

But for now, I would very strongly urge you not to subject yourself, and

your family to this visit, on her terms. Hey , 3 years of NC and she is

just coming to flop for a week? NO, no , no. If she comes to the

wedding, that is up to the couple. If you choose to SEE her at all, let

her visit, see her for a meal, after 3 years of NC, that is up to YOU.

Dropping in for a week uninvited is unacceptable. Sell the house. Move

away. ( Joke)

My nada had hoarder traits as well as BPD. When her place became

unlivable, she would show up to flop here. She would start to trash my

house with Stuff, and I d finally have to say, painfully, you have to

leave. That was horrible, I felt like shit, but I had no choice.

She would go to my Aunt and Cousin s house to visit, and sit on thier

porch. It would get late, and they were ready for bed, and would say

so. She would say I ll just sleep out here, it is such a nice night.

And forced them to say No. F...., you can t sleep on our porch. You need

to go home.

Are you getting the picture?

Call her. Tell her that having her stay with you now, after 3 years of

NC, and in view of the rocky relationship, is not comfortable, nor

acceptable. Suggest a good place to stay. Be prepared for her to

scream what a horrible bitch of a daughter you are. But better that

than a week of that with her right in your face.

Suggest that when she is there, you can start out with dinner together

and see if she can be cordial enough to have other contact. But make it

crystal clear that you will NOT be abused and screamed at, you will not

endure being told what a horrible person you are, or your family, and

you are willing to try visits, but NOT her staying with you, while she

is there, subject to her good behavior.

If she doesnt like it, or accept it, tell her to enjoy the wedding. You

are not obligated to SEE her at all, let alone have her live with you.

Like any other person, certain minimal standards of good behavior and

politeness are reasonable expecations.

Doug

>

> Hi everyone, I am new here and so glad to have found a place where it

seems people will understand what I have been through.

> What is shocking to me is that it is only this year I realized my

mother is narcisstic. How could I have not known earlier? I am 44 years

old and it is still a shock. I am so glad I was so upset I started

researching online " difficult mother " etc and learned about narcissism

and eventually this group!

> Anyway after being nc with my mother for 3 years, she is coming to the

West Coast for a wedding at the end of the month. And shhe is staying

with us. Can you believe? Is this a recipe for disaster or what? She

just invited herself and told me she is coming for one week. I then

suggested a hotel and she flipped out and called me the " worst daughter

in the world and I have no respect for parents and how she never would

have dared talk to her parents like that etc.... " Long story short I

caved and she is coming.

> Please help. I have only 3 weeks to learn alot. I need help with

boundaries I guess and anything else you can think of. I am dreading

this visit and can predict we will fight and it will be week from hell.

Please help!

> Thanks so much in advance!

>

[Guest guest]

I really liked your response Doug - and as you say, you are one of the " Old

Bulls " and if you think this way, then yes, we must be right about being NC with

our Moms!

N

>

> Uncave!

>

> Call her back, and say, you know Mom, we have not really gotten along so

> well. Our phone call when you suggested staying here was pretty good

> proof of that. In any case , I ve thought about it, and it would be best

> if you stayed at a hotel, or with other friends or relatives. This

> arrangement would just be to hard on me.

>

> Inviting herself is classic BPD thinking of failing to even acknowledge

> your needs or boundaries. I have 4 grown kids. If we are going to

> visit, we call and ask , is this a convenient time. Sometimes it is not

> and we come another time. Other times, we stay in a hotel because while

> the visit is welcome, the extra house guests at that time is a strain.

>

> Only a nada would, as mine did, call and invite themselves. Or just show

> up.

>

> Once, nada had a 3 month sabbatical from her job ( intended to force her

> into counseling). She showed up with her dog and suitcases. 3 months.

> 3 FRICKING MONTHS!

>

> Yes, it was a disaster. Yes, yours will be a disaster. She will still

> be a BP, and when her behaviors get out of line, you can t tell her to

> leave and go to her hotel, or get away from her. If she were a normal

> person and would respect the rules of your house, that is one thing.

> But this is not normal.

>

> You don t need to be there a week for a wedding. A day, maybe 2 if you

> are involved in the rehearsal. A night in a hotel, or maybe 2. This

> week long stay is about circumventing your 3 years of NC. I m sure she

> will spend lots of that time telling you how horrid you are for it. You

> need to have a way to get distance from her.

>

> I speak as a KO who lived with a BP mother in my life until I was 53

> years old. I ve been aware and healing for about 10 years. So I m one

> of the ' Old Bulls " This is a BP manipulation and trap. Your

> instincts were, and are, correct. KO s are taught and conditioned not

> to trust them, but they are finely tuned. Trust your instinct. The

> screaming diatribe for suggesting a hotel is an indicator of what you

> can expect.

>

> There are lots of good books you can begin to read, ( in only 3 weeks!)

> , Stop Walking on Eggshells, The Complete Family Guide to BPD,

> Boundaries.

>

> But for now, I would very strongly urge you not to subject yourself, and

> your family to this visit, on her terms. Hey , 3 years of NC and she is

> just coming to flop for a week? NO, no , no. If she comes to the

> wedding, that is up to the couple. If you choose to SEE her at all, let

> her visit, see her for a meal, after 3 years of NC, that is up to YOU.

> Dropping in for a week uninvited is unacceptable. Sell the house. Move

> away. ( Joke)

>

> My nada had hoarder traits as well as BPD. When her place became

> unlivable, she would show up to flop here. She would start to trash my

> house with Stuff, and I d finally have to say, painfully, you have to

> leave. That was horrible, I felt like shit, but I had no choice.

>

> She would go to my Aunt and Cousin s house to visit, and sit on thier

> porch. It would get late, and they were ready for bed, and would say

> so. She would say I ll just sleep out here, it is such a nice night.

> And forced them to say No. F...., you can t sleep on our porch. You need

> to go home.

>

> Are you getting the picture?

>

> Call her. Tell her that having her stay with you now, after 3 years of

> NC, and in view of the rocky relationship, is not comfortable, nor

> acceptable. Suggest a good place to stay. Be prepared for her to

> scream what a horrible bitch of a daughter you are. But better that

> than a week of that with her right in your face.

>

> Suggest that when she is there, you can start out with dinner together

> and see if she can be cordial enough to have other contact. But make it

> crystal clear that you will NOT be abused and screamed at, you will not

> endure being told what a horrible person you are, or your family, and

> you are willing to try visits, but NOT her staying with you, while she

> is there, subject to her good behavior.

>

> If she doesnt like it, or accept it, tell her to enjoy the wedding. You

> are not obligated to SEE her at all, let alone have her live with you.

> Like any other person, certain minimal standards of good behavior and

> politeness are reasonable expecations.

>

> Doug

>

>

> >

> > Hi everyone, I am new here and so glad to have found a place where it

> seems people will understand what I have been through.

> > What is shocking to me is that it is only this year I realized my

> mother is narcisstic. How could I have not known earlier? I am 44 years

> old and it is still a shock. I am so glad I was so upset I started

> researching online " difficult mother " etc and learned about narcissism

> and eventually this group!

> > Anyway after being nc with my mother for 3 years, she is coming to the

> West Coast for a wedding at the end of the month. And shhe is staying

> with us. Can you believe? Is this a recipe for disaster or what? She

> just invited herself and told me she is coming for one week. I then

> suggested a hotel and she flipped out and called me the " worst daughter

> in the world and I have no respect for parents and how she never would

> have dared talk to her parents like that etc.... " Long story short I

> caved and she is coming.

> > Please help. I have only 3 weeks to learn alot. I need help with

> boundaries I guess and anything else you can think of. I am dreading

> this visit and can predict we will fight and it will be week from hell.

> Please help!

> > Thanks so much in advance!

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

We're happy you found us, too. We really have been there. And we've learned a

lot. I'm going to join in the chorus of challenging some of the thinking that is

making you feel so guilty, only because it was very helpful for me when I was

trying to get out of the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt).

One hour with my mother is more than I care to endure, even if she manages to

make it through on good behavior. I cannot begin to imagine spending a week with

her. IN MY HOUSE! And I can tell from what you are writing that you are fighting

against that knowledge. Your body is telling you: " This woman is NOT SAFE!!!

Keep her out of your space. " But you are trying to ignore those feelings. You

have been trained to do so. Your mother has taught you that your feelings don't

matter, that you're supposed to put them aside and be polite. After all, she's

your *Mo-ther* and, if you say no, then you're a " disrespectful, " " rude, " " bad "

daughter. Right?

Wrong. What's disrespectful, rude, and bad is to barge into someone else's life

and demand they take care of you without even asking permission, and to lie and

manipulate when they try to say no. And that's what your mother is doing. Do you

think she cares how she makes you feel? Let me tell you, it does not make you a

better person to simply put up with her for the sake of family or loyalty. It

can only wear away at your spirit until you are lost in a sea of depression or

your heart finally gives up on trying to warn you about the danger and just

quits. And, trust me, I know it's really, really, hard to learn to say " NO! " to

them, but you've done it before. You can do it again if you want to. I think

your health, your sanity, and your children depend on it. You say right now you

" don't have the guts " to call and change your mind. I understand. That task can

seem insurmountable and cause so much anxiety when you're not used to doing it.

I know what it's like to be aFraid of the abuser's reaction. But it gets better

with practice. And, it can be really helpful to ask for the guidance of a

trained therapist to learn how to effectively identify and protect your personal

limits.

If my mother ever struck my child, NC would have been an immediate and easy

decision to make. Let me just commend you for standing up for your child. You

did the right thing. My guess is she never bothered to apologize to you or your

child, she's just decided that things are going to go back to the way they were

before and you're going to dismiss that egregious abuse of your respect as a

one-time event. Am I wrong about that? What evidence have you seen that she has

changed and is now in control of her emotions, that you think she is now a safe

person to have around your children?

You say you want your children to know their grandmother. If you're anything

like me, what that means is that you like the idea of a positive

child-grandparent relationship so much that you can't see it simply isn't

possible. Just like I had to grieve that the woman who gave birth to me would

never be the good mother I needed, I finally had to wake up one day and see that

she just isn't a good grandmother, either. I used to say the same thing as you,

that I wanted my children to have a good relationship with my parents, as if

they only had problems with their daughter, and I should be able to put those

differences aside for the children's sake. At the same time I knew I could never

leave them alone with my mother. When I realized that I was ignoring warning

signs in order to try to make that fantasy possible, it was monumental to

helping me get over the Guilt. Until then, I only put up with supervising her

visits because I thought I was giving my children something. But for me, it got

too hard. It wasn't good for my children to have me so on edge for the days and

weeks before and after her visit. It wasn't good for me to have to supervise

every single interaction just waiting to intervene when--not if--she did

something inappropriate. My parents simply aren't capable of being the kind of

grandparents I would want for my kids.

Your mother doesn't sound safe, either. Do you really want to give your children

the gift of time with an emotionally unstable woman who hits them, of having

their feelings and needs ignored, of demands and expectations that they adore

and feel sorry for grandma at every moment and stay adorable enough for her to

love? The gift of a mother who is tense and anxious? Or would it be better to

give them a peaceful childhood with a mother who cares more about their safety

than their grandmother's disappointment, in a home where they are allowed to be

themselves and see that it's okay to say no when they feel unsafe? I'm not

saying you have to go back to NC. LC might work well for you. But what I'm

trying to say is that YOUR NEEDS ARE IMPORTANT. When you feel uncomfortable and

unsafe, that means your personal limits have been violated. You have a right to

tell other people to get out of your safe space. And your children need to see

that example.

That reply got longer than I had intended. I guess I feel strongly about it

because of my personal experience. I just want to encourage you to make sure you

know you are dealing with a boundary-violator and not a healthy mother or

grandmother, and that you deserve to stand up for yourself. It's not healthy for

anyone to feel like they have to be in the presence of an abuser. You CAN say

no.

Sveta

>

>

> OMG!!! You guys do understand!!! I am so happy to have found you. 1st let me

say I went NC for 3 years because I caught her hitting my 2 year old because he

wasn't listening to her. It gave me backbone I didn't know I had!!! I was

outraged. Its one thing to mess with me, its another to mess with my babies!

lol!!!

> I am a nervous wreck. Her visit is 3 weeks away and I am walking around with

my heart beating in my chest. I try to tell myself its one week, how bad can it

be? But I know better. Family from all over the world is flying in so she will

be in major drama mood for this wedding. I wish we could stay in a hotel but

money is tight for us now. What a shame.

> I am having major anxiety attacks......no good is going to come from this

visit I fear.

> Thanks for listening and I loved all your suggestions! I know I don't have the

guts to call her and tell her its not going to work for us. I just can't. I

don't have it in me. I am a good daughter (I want to be at least). And I want me

children to know their grandmom.

> I'm torn.

>

[Guest guest]

I feel like we came down on you a bit, and I just want to say that we all

support whatever decision you feel works best for you. I think when you said " I

want to be a good daughter " we all saw a red flag go up. So I wanted to say

this: YOU ARE A GOOD DAUGHTER! I doubt you have really done anything in your

life that is beyond the normal phases kids go through. You obviously still care

for you mother, even with all she's put you through, and clearly, you wish she

could get better so you could have that relationship. There is nothing " bad

daughter " about that.

Now, that said, it's time to protect yourself and your kids. Unfortunately the

reality is that treating BPD is very difficult, and those that suffer from it

rarely acknowledge that anything is wrong with them. Every one else is crazy.

A common theme here is that everyone is going to give advice, but we all know

that we each must do what feels right for ourselves. But I do hope you can find

the strength to tell her she must find different accomodations for her visit.

The after effects of a bad nada visit can last a long time and can be severe.

[Guest guest]

I agree with ...I was thinking reading over my last post that it might

come across as too harsh, when really I was just aiming to be supportive.

We all know you've probably got enough people telling you what to do and how to

feel--and we'll be supportive however you choose to handle things! 's

right, it is really obvious that you ARE a good daughter, regardless of what

your mother tells you!

SVA

[Guest guest]

Love u guys. Love the sell the house and move part

But I must add - or set fire to it and run!

> **

>

>

> I agree with ...I was thinking reading over my last post that it

> might come across as too harsh, when really I was just aiming to be

> supportive.

>

> We all know you've probably got enough people telling you what to do and

> how to feel--and we'll be supportive however you choose to handle things!

> 's right, it is really obvious that you ARE a good daughter,

> regardless of what your mother tells you!

>

> SVA

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi, Dougs advice was perfect. Like you I was in my 40's when I finally realized

my nada was bpd. It's horrible, but the only time I'm ok is when I'm NC. I have

a wedding story to share. We invited nada to my sons wedding and I decided that

I just couldn't have her in my home. I hired a lovely woman who works in my home

from time to time to stay with her the entire weekend at the hotel and drive her

to various events. She brought her to the rehearsal dinner at my home and I

could immediately see that she was " ready for a fight. " I avoided it by keeping

busy and kept my distance. I caved the next day and had my friend bring her to

my house to leave with all of us to go to the church in a fun trolly the brides

family rented to drive all of us. After all, how bad could this be. A little 10

min drive. Well she started in as soon as she arrived and had my sister and

brothers, my husband, grandchildren and anyone else there all yelling and

fighting with her. It

was a nightmare, but finally the trolly came and we left. That night she raised

her fist to my friend and threw her out of the hotel. I'm sharing this b/c I've

been dealing with this my entire life and I still can't believe it. They don't

change. Spare yourself and cancel her visit. You don't need a reason. Just call

and cancel. She's going to be mad whether she stays with you or not. They can't

help themselves, they're just angry. Good luck, m

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Thursday, August 4, 2011 9:44 AM

Subject: Re: Re: Mother coming to visit-help!

I really liked your response Doug - and as you say, you are one of the " Old

Bulls " and if you think this way, then yes, we must be right about being NC with

our Moms!

N

>

> Uncave!

>

> Call her back, and say, you know Mom, we have not really gotten along so

> well. Our phone call when you suggested staying here was pretty good

> proof of that. In any case , I ve thought about it, and it would be best

> if you stayed at a hotel, or with other friends or relatives. This

> arrangement would just be to hard on me.

>

> Inviting herself is classic BPD thinking of failing to even acknowledge

> your needs or boundaries. I have 4 grown kids. If we are going to

> visit, we call and ask , is this a convenient time. Sometimes it is not

> and we come another time. Other times, we stay in a hotel because while

> the visit is welcome, the extra house guests at that time is a strain.

>

> Only a nada would, as mine did, call and invite themselves. Or just show

> up.

>

> Once, nada had a 3 month sabbatical from her job ( intended to force her

> into counseling). She showed up with her dog and suitcases. 3 months.

> 3 FRICKING MONTHS!

>

> Yes, it was a disaster. Yes, yours will be a disaster. She will still

> be a BP, and when her behaviors get out of line, you can t tell her to

> leave and go to her hotel, or get away from her. If she were a normal

> person and would respect the rules of your house, that is one thing.

> But this is not normal.

>

> You don t need to be there a week for a wedding. A day, maybe 2 if you

> are involved in the rehearsal. A night in a hotel, or maybe 2. This

> week long stay is about circumventing your 3 years of NC. I m sure she

> will spend lots of that time telling you how horrid you are for it. You

> need to have a way to get distance from her.

>

> I speak as a KO who lived with a BP mother in my life until I was 53

> years old. I ve been aware and healing for about 10 years. So I m one

> of the ' Old Bulls " This is a BP manipulation and trap. Your

> instincts were, and are, correct. KO s are taught and conditioned not

> to trust them, but they are finely tuned. Trust your instinct. The

> screaming diatribe for suggesting a hotel is an indicator of what you

> can expect.

>

> There are lots of good books you can begin to read, ( in only 3 weeks!)

> , Stop Walking on Eggshells, The Complete Family Guide to BPD,

> Boundaries.

>

> But for now, I would very strongly urge you not to subject yourself, and

> your family to this visit, on her terms. Hey , 3 years of NC and she is

> just coming to flop for a week? NO, no , no. If she comes to the

> wedding, that is up to the couple. If you choose to SEE her at all, let

> her visit, see her for a meal, after 3 years of NC, that is up to YOU.

> Dropping in for a week uninvited is unacceptable. Sell the house. Move

> away. ( Joke)

>

> My nada had hoarder traits as well as BPD. When her place became

> unlivable, she would show up to flop here. She would start to trash my

> house with Stuff, and I d finally have to say, painfully, you have to

> leave. That was horrible, I felt like shit, but I had no choice.

>

> She would go to my Aunt and Cousin s house to visit, and sit on thier

> porch. It would get late, and they were ready for bed, and would say

> so. She would say I ll just sleep out here, it is such a nice night.

> And forced them to say No. F...., you can t sleep on our porch. You need

> to go home.

>

> Are you getting the picture?

>

> Call her. Tell her that having her stay with you now, after 3 years of

> NC, and in view of the rocky relationship, is not comfortable, nor

> acceptable. Suggest a good place to stay. Be prepared for her to

> scream what a horrible bitch of a daughter you are. But better that

> than a week of that with her right in your face.

>

> Suggest that when she is there, you can start out with dinner together

> and see if she can be cordial enough to have other contact. But make it

> crystal clear that you will NOT be abused and screamed at, you will not

> endure being told what a horrible person you are, or your family, and

> you are willing to try visits, but NOT her staying with you, while she

> is there, subject to her good behavior.

>

> If she doesnt like it, or accept it, tell her to enjoy the wedding. You

> are not obligated to SEE her at all, let alone have her live with you.

> Like any other person, certain minimal standards of good behavior and

> politeness are reasonable expecations.

>

> Doug

>

>

> >

> > Hi everyone, I am new here and so glad to have found a place where it

> seems people will understand what I have been through.

> > What is shocking to me is that it is only this year I realized my

> mother is narcisstic. How could I have not known earlier? I am 44 years

> old and it is still a shock. I am so glad I was so upset I started

> researching online " difficult mother " etc and learned about narcissism

> and eventually this group!

> > Anyway after being nc with my mother for 3 years, she is coming to the

> West Coast for a wedding at the end of the month. And shhe is staying

> with us. Can you believe? Is this a recipe for disaster or what? She

> just invited herself and told me she is coming for one week. I then

> suggested a hotel and she flipped out and called me the " worst daughter

> in the world and I have no respect for parents and how she never would

> have dared talk to her parents like that etc.... " Long story short I

> caved and she is coming.

> > Please help. I have only 3 weeks to learn alot. I need help with

> boundaries I guess and anything else you can think of. I am dreading

> this visit and can predict we will fight and it will be week from hell.

> Please help!

> > Thanks so much in advance!

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

I don t intend to imply that NC is always the correct move. Rather,

that standing on one s reasonable rights and boundaries IS the correct

move, always.

What that leads to, whether LC, NC, or exerting consequences of

violating behaviors again and again, is set by the choices and behaviors

of the BP parent.

We deserve a normal life, on a healing trajectory. If they choose to do

what they must to be part of it, great. If not, we will miss them.

Doug

[Guest guest]

Thank you everyone for all your support and encouragment. I really do appreciate

it all. I am trying to absorb it all in and process it. I know she won't change,

she had to go to therapy as part of a divorce and walked out on the therapist,

calling her stupid, she is always right in her mind. I just honestly don't have

the guts (or maybe I am not ready) to cancel the trip on her. I would feel major

guilt. I just can't cancel the trip on her. I am being honest here. I wish I

could but I can't. I don't have it in me.

I ordered alot of the books you all mentioned and hopefully they come asap!!!

I will keep you all posted as the trip nears. Thanks again.

[Guest guest]

" Let me tell you, it does not make you a better person to simply put up with her

for the sake of family or loyalty. It can only wear away at your spirit until

you are lost in a sea of depression or your heart finally gives up on trying to

warn you about the danger and just quits. "

When I read that, I thought, " You know...it won't make HER a better person,

either. "

This whole paragraph describes exactly how I've lived my entire life.

I don't recommend it.

--.

[Guest guest]

That guilt you are feeling, for something which should not cause you

guilt, is part of the FOG aspect of BPD manipulation of us KO s. Fear

Obligation Guilt.

Classic. You fear having her there, but fear to tell her no. You feel

an obligation to let her get by with inviting herself to come and use

your house as a flop house, without the decency to ask first. You feel

guilt that you don t want to give in to the rude, classless demands of

this obviously difficult and abusive woman, and greater guilt about

asking or telling her you will not put up with it.

This is what we are pounded into. You might look into a modest local

hotel for her. Put aside some money for it, and if she becomes abusive,

set your boundaries, tell her no , you may not act like this in my

house. If she persists, gather her things, and drive her to the hotel,

check her in and pay for it. Might be preferable to enduring her.

We all know how hard it is to take those first steps out from under the

FOG. We re behind you. Do what you must do.

If you want to begin reading instantly, check out www.bpdcentral.com

<http://www.bpdcentral.com>

I d try to schedule an appt with your Therapist before she arrives, and

another one during her stay. You might need it!

Good luck

Doug

>

> Thank you everyone for all your support and encouragment. I really do

appreciate it all. I am trying to absorb it all in and process it. I

know she won't change, she had to go to therapy as part of a divorce and

walked out on the therapist, calling her stupid, she is always right in

her mind. I just honestly don't have the guts (or maybe I am not ready)

to cancel the trip on her. I would feel major guilt. I just can't cancel

the trip on her. I am being honest here. I wish I could but I can't. I

don't have it in me.

> I ordered alot of the books you all mentioned and hopefully they come

asap!!!

> I will keep you all posted as the trip nears. Thanks again.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Interesting, isnt it, that they define good daughter or son by what we

do for them , by the degree to which we give in to their every whim and

desire. They define themselves as a good mother by thier own words:

They told us so. How rare it is for us to hear from Nada, you know, you

are my daughter( son) and I love you just because that s who you are. I

m proud of just having and knowing you, not of what you can do for me.

And these horrible , horrible people have the gall to FOG us with guilt

that we are inadequate?

Boy , this crap brings out My Irish and my years as a sailor. I d begin

to use those words, but the screen on your computer would melt.

Saying to a person, ( whether or not by some accident of birth she is

your mom) who HIT, ( you do mean HIT, not a little swat on the behind

to correct a kid about to stick a penny into an outlet? ) your TWO year

old child, Get the Firetruck out of my house, does not make you a bad

daughter.

I ll repeat something that many on here will second, based on our lives,

and experience with our own kids.

NEVERNEVERNEVERNEVERNEVERNEVERNEVERNEVERNEVERNEVERNEVERNEVERNEVER

NEVERNEVERNEVERNEVERNEVERNEVERNEVERNEVERNEVERNEVERNEVERNEVERNEVER

under any circumstances leave a defenseless child, ie one who is not 18

and aware and able to kick ass, alone with any BP for any

amount of time.

NEVER.

And, if she did hit your child, HIT, and not even for a reason which

would inspire a swat on the behind, do you really want her in your

childs home for a week?

Remember all the bullshit she put you thru growing up? Did she hit you?

All things that are causing anxiety attacks now?

Don t think for a minute that she is not ready to begin practicing her

art on the next generation, and start getting them ready for therapy.

If I sound adamant about this subject, I am. The little boy in me

continues to scream, at Dad, and Uncles, and relatives and friends of

all sorts, at her freaking psychiatrist, why the HELL didnt any of you

rescue me and protect me? You bailed out because she was such a crazy

bitch. But you left me right there with her, with no defenses at all.

You might try this. Call her up. Don t say, you can t come mom,

because it is making me a freaking basket case. Just say this.

Mom, you remember that 3 years ago, you hit little ny when you didnt

think he was listening to you? And that I was very angry, and stopped

having contact with you? Well, I need to tell you now, calmly, before

you come, that you are not to lay a hand on my children. If you have a

problem you come to me. I am their parent. You are not to strike them,

or discipline them. If they need correction, that will be my decision,

and my job. If you violate this with my children, very bad things will

happen. At the very least, your ass will be on the street in front of

the house, waiting for the rest of your body to catch up with you, and I

won t really care where you take it after that.

I need us to be very clear on this. I WILL NOT tolerate you striking my

child. Not once.

It may be that if you have this quite reasonable conversation, she will

spit, sputter, call you a bad word, and hang up , and refuse to come and

stay with you.

Wouldnt that be a shame.

Doug

>

>

> OMG!!! You guys do understand!!! I am so happy to have found you. 1st

let me say I went NC for 3 years because I caught her hitting my 2 year

old because he wasn't listening to her. It gave me backbone I didn't

know I had!!! I was outraged. Its one thing to mess with me, its another

to mess with my babies! lol!!!

> I am a nervous wreck. Her visit is 3 weeks away and I am walking

around with my heart beating in my chest. I try to tell myself its one

week, how bad can it be? But I know better. Family from all over the

world is flying in so she will be in major drama mood for this wedding.

I wish we could stay in a hotel but money is tight for us now. What a

shame.

> I am having major anxiety attacks......no good is going to come from

this visit I fear.

> Thanks for listening and I loved all your suggestions! I know I don't

have the guts to call her and tell her its not going to work for us. I

just can't. I don't have it in me. I am a good daughter (I want to be at

least). And I want me children to know their grandmom.

> I'm torn.

>

[Guest guest]

Good luck! Everyone here wants to support you in your decision, no one wants to

see anyone tortured by a nada, that is for sure.

I am thinking that it doesn't necessarily have to be the truth that you tell

her, and it doesn't necessarily have to be you that tells her. If you don't want

to have that 'I'm sorry it's just not going to work conversation', you could

just go around it completely. You can have your husband call her and give her

the news. You can tell her you have roaches/rats/scorpions, or, be really trendy

and say BEDBUGS! Yep, something along those lines...you are fumigating that

week, you have killer mold, you have been foreclosed on and will be moving just

prior, your kids have lower dengue fever or chicken pox...or head lice! That one

would really work.

The emotions are probably overpowering so it might be wise to just circumvent

the whole 'deep thoughts' conversation and lie outright. The objective is to

keep her out of your house and away from your kids, and to cause yourself as

little stress and emotional anxiety as possible. Many hugs.

>

> Thank you everyone for all your support and encouragment. I really do

appreciate it all. I am trying to absorb it all in and process it. I know she

won't change, she had to go to therapy as part of a divorce and walked out on

the therapist, calling her stupid, she is always right in her mind. I just

honestly don't have the guts (or maybe I am not ready) to cancel the trip on

her. I would feel major guilt. I just can't cancel the trip on her. I am being

honest here. I wish I could but I can't. I don't have it in me.

> I ordered alot of the books you all mentioned and hopefully they come asap!!!

> I will keep you all posted as the trip nears. Thanks again.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Doug, I would just like to say that I am relatively new to this group but I find

your writing FASCINATING. You are a born writer.

N

>

> Interesting, isnt it, that they define good daughter or son by what we

> do for them , by the degree to which we give in to their every whim and

> desire. They define themselves as a good mother by thier own words:

> They told us so. How rare it is for us to hear from Nada, you know, you

> are my daughter( son) and I love you just because that s who you are. I

> m proud of just having and knowing you, not of what you can do for me.

>

> And these horrible , horrible people have the gall to FOG us with guilt

> that we are inadequate?

>

> Boy , this crap brings out My Irish and my years as a sailor. I d begin

> to use those words, but the screen on your computer would melt.

>

> Saying to a person, ( whether or not by some accident of birth she is

> your mom) who HIT, ( you do mean HIT, not a little swat on the behind

> to correct a kid about to stick a penny into an outlet? ) your TWO year

> old child, Get the Firetruck out of my house, does not make you a bad

> daughter.

>

> I ll repeat something that many on here will second, based on our lives,

> and experience with our own kids.

>

> NEVERNEVERNEVERNEVERNEVERNEVERNEVERNEVERNEVERNEVERNEVERNEVERNEVER

>

> NEVERNEVERNEVERNEVERNEVERNEVERNEVERNEVERNEVERNEVERNEVERNEVERNEVER

>

> under any circumstances leave a defenseless child, ie one who is not 18

> and aware and able to kick ass, alone with any BP for any

>

> amount of time.

>

> NEVER.

>

> And, if she did hit your child, HIT, and not even for a reason which

> would inspire a swat on the behind, do you really want her in your

> childs home for a week?

>

> Remember all the bullshit she put you thru growing up? Did she hit you?

> All things that are causing anxiety attacks now?

>

> Don t think for a minute that she is not ready to begin practicing her

> art on the next generation, and start getting them ready for therapy.

>

> If I sound adamant about this subject, I am. The little boy in me

> continues to scream, at Dad, and Uncles, and relatives and friends of

> all sorts, at her freaking psychiatrist, why the HELL didnt any of you

> rescue me and protect me? You bailed out because she was such a crazy

> bitch. But you left me right there with her, with no defenses at all.

>

> You might try this. Call her up. Don t say, you can t come mom,

> because it is making me a freaking basket case. Just say this.

>

> Mom, you remember that 3 years ago, you hit little ny when you didnt

> think he was listening to you? And that I was very angry, and stopped

> having contact with you? Well, I need to tell you now, calmly, before

> you come, that you are not to lay a hand on my children. If you have a

> problem you come to me. I am their parent. You are not to strike them,

> or discipline them. If they need correction, that will be my decision,

> and my job. If you violate this with my children, very bad things will

> happen. At the very least, your ass will be on the street in front of

> the house, waiting for the rest of your body to catch up with you, and I

> won t really care where you take it after that.

>

> I need us to be very clear on this. I WILL NOT tolerate you striking my

> child. Not once.

>

> It may be that if you have this quite reasonable conversation, she will

> spit, sputter, call you a bad word, and hang up , and refuse to come and

> stay with you.

>

> Wouldnt that be a shame.

>

> Doug

>

> >

> >

> > OMG!!! You guys do understand!!! I am so happy to have found you. 1st

> let me say I went NC for 3 years because I caught her hitting my 2 year

> old because he wasn't listening to her. It gave me backbone I didn't

> know I had!!! I was outraged. Its one thing to mess with me, its another

> to mess with my babies! lol!!!

> > I am a nervous wreck. Her visit is 3 weeks away and I am walking

> around with my heart beating in my chest. I try to tell myself its one

> week, how bad can it be? But I know better. Family from all over the

> world is flying in so she will be in major drama mood for this wedding.

> I wish we could stay in a hotel but money is tight for us now. What a

> shame.

> > I am having major anxiety attacks......no good is going to come from

> this visit I fear.

> > Thanks for listening and I loved all your suggestions! I know I don't

> have the guts to call her and tell her its not going to work for us. I

> just can't. I don't have it in me. I am a good daughter (I want to be at

> least). And I want me children to know their grandmom.

> > I'm torn.

> >

>

>