Mother coming to visit-help!

August 5, 2011

Mamaskoby,

it's so rude of her to invite herself over like that. I would think most people

would take the hint when someone says " can you stay at a hotel? "

When my mother has stayed with me (and it's usually been for a night at a time,

which is altogether too much), my strategy has been distract, distract,

distract. I keep magazines around that I know she likes so she'll start leafing

through them instead of finding things around my apt to criticize me about, or

instead of interrogating my kids.

Also, is it possible to limit your time with her? that is, make as many plans as

you can so you can keep her busy and by day's end, hopefully she'll be so wiped

out, she'll go to bed early each night? It's like dealing with a toddler,

anything to distract and tire them, I say!

Good luck!! Let us know how it goes.

btw, you *could* still back out, couldn't you? I mean, you suggested she stay

in a hotel, which I thought was fantastically brave of you (my goal is to say

what I mean in conversations with my mother, as you did, instead of what will

create the least friction) and she railroaded right over it. But is it possible

to get out of it or is it too late? It's just not fair that she demanded to

stay at ur house like that. I'm so sorry for the grief of it all for you.

Fiona

>

> Hi everyone, I am new here and so glad to have found a place where it seems

people will understand what I have been through.

> What is shocking to me is that it is only this year I realized my mother is

narcisstic. How could I have not known earlier? I am 44 years old and it is

still a shock. I am so glad I was so upset I started researching online

" difficult mother " etc and learned about narcissism and eventually this group!

> Anyway after being nc with my mother for 3 years, she is coming to the West

Coast for a wedding at the end of the month. And shhe is staying with us. Can

you believe? Is this a recipe for disaster or what? She just invited herself and

told me she is coming for one week. I then suggested a hotel and she flipped out

and called me the " worst daughter in the world and I have no respect for parents

and how she never would have dared talk to her parents like that etc.... " Long

story short I caved and she is coming.

> Please help. I have only 3 weeks to learn alot. I need help with boundaries I

guess and anything else you can think of. I am dreading this visit and can

predict we will fight and it will be week from hell. Please help!

> Thanks so much in advance!

>

August 5, 2011

She hit your two year old. Are you more concerned with being a " good daughter "

or a good mother? You keep saying, " I can't... " - but I sincerely hope you'll

find something you CAN and will do to protect your child/ren. Maybe your kids

could go stay with someone else while she is here?

As moms we have to put on our big girl panties and deal. Not our kids, US. I

know I'm not being " nice, " but that's the reality. Our kids are counting on us.

And you sound so intimidated, so cowed by your mother, I really worry about your

kids. Are you really only willing to stand up to your mother AFTER she has done

something heinous to them? That's too late IMO.

Maybe you " can't " tell her she can't stay - but you can surely do SOMETHING

proactive. There have been lots of good suggestions - people will keep them

coming - but you are going to have to decide you CAN.

>

> Thank you everyone for all your support and encouragment. I really do

appreciate it all. I am trying to absorb it all in and process it. I know she

won't change, she had to go to therapy as part of a divorce and walked out on

the therapist, calling her stupid, she is always right in her mind. I just

honestly don't have the guts (or maybe I am not ready) to cancel the trip on

her. I would feel major guilt. I just can't cancel the trip on her. I am being

honest here. I wish I could but I can't. I don't have it in me.

> I ordered alot of the books you all mentioned and hopefully they come asap!!!

> I will keep you all posted as the trip nears. Thanks again.

>

August 5, 2011

I think that is awesome advice, Doug. I love it when your " inner Sailor " gets

riled up and protective. If circumstances were different and my nada was still

active and lucid, I think would be able to do that, now, meaning I would be

able to say " No " to her directly, because I've grown and changed in my own

understanding.

I now feel stronger, and more justified in setting boundaries. (Which is

ironic, because now my nada is half-demented with Alzheimer's and unable to

really hurt me any longer.)

Even so, back about 4 years ago when I did go No Contact, I did it passively; I

simply stopped communicating with my nada by not answering her calls and not

calling her, I didn't do it by direct confrontation.

Thing is, 12 (or so) years ago when my nada announced that she was arriving for

a visit, I was in the same boat as mamaskoby, and very much unable to say " No,

sorry, its not a good time, and I'd rather you stay in a hotel " to her.

My reaction was more like a deer frozen in the headlights of a car, unable to

move out of the way even to save my life. My reaction to feeling frozen,

trapped and unable to stand up for myself, unable to be just calmly assertive,

was to have a complete nervous breakdown.

What I'm getting at is that each of us has to grow into our understanding of

what our rights are: that its OK to be assertive, its OK to say " No " to our own

mother or father. That a gaping pit won't open up in the ground and drop us

directly into Hell for doing so.

That we can survive the aftermath: very likely being reviled by nada and maybe

even ostracized by our immediate and extended foo for doing so.

But I do hope that because you have a child, mamaskoby, you will be able to set

some ground rules with your nada about how your child is treated during nada's

visit. You were able to be strong before, for your child's sake, so I hope that

you will be able to again.

-Annie

> >

> > OMG!!! You guys do understand!!! I am so happy to have found you. 1st

> let me say I went NC for 3 years because I caught her hitting my 2 year

> old because he wasn't listening to her. It gave me backbone I didn't

> know I had!!! I was outraged. Its one thing to mess with me, its another

> to mess with my babies! lol!!!

> > I am a nervous wreck. Her visit is 3 weeks away and I am walking

> around with my heart beating in my chest. I try to tell myself its one

> week, how bad can it be? But I know better. Family from all over the

> world is flying in so she will be in major drama mood for this wedding.

> I wish we could stay in a hotel but money is tight for us now. What a

> shame.

> > I am having major anxiety attacks......no good is going to come from

> this visit I fear.

> > Thanks for listening and I loved all your suggestions! I know I don't

> have the guts to call her and tell her its not going to work for us. I

> just can't. I don't have it in me. I am a good daughter (I want to be at

> least). And I want me children to know their grandmom.

> > I'm torn.

> >

>

August 5, 2011

Exactly. We, all of us, spent most of our lives as deer in the FOG

lights, if I may be so silly. I do understand being frozen and unable

to take those first steps.

But we can get there.

Doug

>

> I think that is awesome advice, Doug. I love it when your " inner

Sailor " gets riled up and protective. If circumstances were different

and my nada was still active and lucid, I think would be able to do

that, now, meaning I would be able to say " No " to her directly, because

I've grown and changed in my own understanding.

>

> I now feel stronger, and more justified in setting boundaries. (Which

is ironic, because now my nada is half-demented with Alzheimer's and

unable to really hurt me any longer.)

>

> Even so, back about 4 years ago when I did go No Contact, I did it

passively; I simply stopped communicating with my nada by not answering

her calls and not calling her, I didn't do it by direct confrontation.

>

> Thing is, 12 (or so) years ago when my nada announced that she was

arriving for a visit, I was in the same boat as mamaskoby, and very much

unable to say " No, sorry, its not a good time, and I'd rather you stay

in a hotel " to her.

>

> My reaction was more like a deer frozen in the headlights of a car,

unable to move out of the way even to save my life. My reaction to

feeling frozen, trapped and unable to stand up for myself, unable to be

just calmly assertive, was to have a complete nervous breakdown.

>

August 5, 2011

Doug said this, echoing Annie, and I completely agree:

> Exactly. We, all of us, spent most of our lives as deer in the FOG

> lights, if I may be so silly. I do understand being frozen and unable

> to take those first steps.

>

> But we can get there.

>

I still feel that way sometimes around my mother, like I'm watching what's

happening while the world is stopped still around me. We didn't really have

Fight OR Flight as an option growing up; our only choice was Freeze. Now that

we're old enough that it's safe to try other options, we can, but it does take

time and support to learn that they're ok because we've had a lifetime of

practice with our old survival skills.

>

I just honestly don't have the guts (or maybe I am not ready) to >cancel the

trip on her. I would feel major guilt. I just can't cancel the trip on her. I am

being honest here. I wish I could but I >can't. I don't have it in me.

I understand what you're saying here. It's okay. It might be better for you to

start with smaller boundaries until her visit is over.

If you do not yet have the support of a therapist, I would like to recommend

looking for one. It might not be possible to talk to anyone before your mother's

visit, but if you would like to have some guidance and encouragement as you

learn to set boundaries, or if you would like to gain more confidence about

saying no when you are not comfortable, then a good T can be invaluable!

You do not have to answer this if you don't want to, but I wonder if you would

mind sharing more of your thoughts. It sounds like the idea of telling your

mother you've changed your mind is very distressing to you right now. When you

imagine yourself doing that, what happens afterwards? In other words, what would

happen if you did it? You say you would " feel major guilt " for " cancel[ling] the

trip on her. " What else?

Sveta

August 5, 2011

STOP DOUG STOP my computer screen is melting!!!!!

I have an idea, what if you just aren't home that whole week? Take your

family camping, to the beach, to europe to mexico?

No confrontation, no house key, she just sits and waits on the doorstop

until she gets a hotel

And then when she says where were you you either say nothing, or you say " I

forgot " or " miscommunication "

I think that would rock. Even if you dont do it it would be funny to imagine

---------------------

I still feel that way sometimes around my mother, like I'm watching what's

happening while the world is stopped still around me. We didn't really have

Fight OR Flight as an option growing up; our only choice was Freeze. Now

that we're old enough that it's safe to try other options, we can, but it

does take time and support to learn that they're ok because we've had a

lifetime of practice with our old survival skills.

>

> >

> I just honestly don't have the guts (or maybe I am not ready) to >cancel

> the trip on her. I would feel major guilt. I just can't cancel the trip on

> her. I am being honest here. I wish I could but I >can't. I don't have it in

> me.to the

>

> I understand what you're saying here. It's okay. It might be better for you

> to start with smaller boundaries until her visit is over.

>

> If you do not yet have the support of a therapist, I would like to

> recommend looking for one. It might not be possible to talk to anyone before

> your mother's visit, but if you would like to have some guidance and

> encouragement as you learn to set boundaries, or if you would like to gain

> more confidence about saying no when you are not comfortable, then a good T

> can be invaluable!

>

> You do not have to answer this if you don't want to, but I wonder if you

> would mind sharing more of your thoughts. It sounds like the idea of telling

> your mother you've changed your mind is very distressing to you right now.

> When you imagine yourself doing that, what happens afterwards? In other

> words, what would happen if you did it? You say you would " feel major guilt "

> for " cancel[ling] the trip on her. " What else?

>

> Sveta

>

August 5, 2011

another idea tell her you moved and send her to the wrong address

On Fri, Aug 5, 2011 at 6:11 PM, Girlscout Cowboy <girlscout.cowboy@...

> wrote:

> STOP DOUG STOP my computer screen is melting!!!!!

>

> I have an idea, what if you just aren't home that whole week? Take your

> family camping, to the beach, to europe to mexico?

>

> No confrontation, no house key, she just sits and waits on the doorstop

> until she gets a hotel

>

> And then when she says where were you you either say nothing, or you say " I

> forgot " or " miscommunication "

>

> I think that would rock. Even if you dont do it it would be funny to

> imagine

> ---------------------

>

> I still feel that way sometimes around my mother, like I'm watching what's

> happening while the world is stopped still around me. We didn't really have

> Fight OR Flight as an option growing up; our only choice was Freeze. Now

> that we're old enough that it's safe to try other options, we can, but it

> does take time and support to learn that they're ok because we've had a

> lifetime of practice with our old survival skills.

>

>>

>> >

>> I just honestly don't have the guts (or maybe I am not ready) to >cancel

>> the trip on her. I would feel major guilt. I just can't cancel the trip on

>> her. I am being honest here. I wish I could but I >can't. I don't have it in

>> me.to the

>>

>> I understand what you're saying here. It's okay. It might be better for

>> you to start with smaller boundaries until her visit is over.

>>

>> If you do not yet have the support of a therapist, I would like to

>> recommend looking for one. It might not be possible to talk to anyone before

>> your mother's visit, but if you would like to have some guidance and

>> encouragement as you learn to set boundaries, or if you would like to gain

>> more confidence about saying no when you are not comfortable, then a good T

>> can be invaluable!

>>

>> You do not have to answer this if you don't want to, but I wonder if you

>> would mind sharing more of your thoughts. It sounds like the idea of telling

>> your mother you've changed your mind is very distressing to you right now.

>> When you imagine yourself doing that, what happens afterwards? In other

>> words, what would happen if you did it? You say you would " feel major guilt "

>> for " cancel[ling] the trip on her. " What else?

>>

>> Sveta

>>

>

August 6, 2011

Another idea: maybe your husband could call her and tell her she is not welcome?

He has distance.

> >

> I just honestly don't have the guts (or maybe I am not ready) to >cancel the

trip on her. I would feel major guilt. I just can't cancel the trip on her. I am

being honest here. I wish I could but I >can't. I don't have it in me.

>

> I understand what you're saying here. It's okay. It might be better for you to

start with smaller boundaries until her visit is over.

>

> If you do not yet have the support of a therapist, I would like to recommend

looking for one. It might not be possible to talk to anyone before your mother's

visit, but if you would like to have some guidance and encouragement as you

learn to set boundaries, or if you would like to gain more confidence about

saying no when you are not comfortable, then a good T can be invaluable!

>

> You do not have to answer this if you don't want to, but I wonder if you would

mind sharing more of your thoughts. It sounds like the idea of telling your

mother you've changed your mind is very distressing to you right now. When you

imagine yourself doing that, what happens afterwards? In other words, what would

happen if you did it? You say you would " feel major guilt " for " cancel[ling] the

trip on her. " What else?

>

> Sveta

>

August 6, 2011

You guys are funny.

August 11, 2011

Hi,

I agree with what other's have said to you, amazing that you were able to go NC

for 3 years for your kids and yourself- and not even knowing exactly what you

were dealing with. Your situation I can really identify with. My BP

mother-in-law does this about once a year. She will email or call my husband and

say she has purchased airline tickets to come see the family (all four of her

adult kids and their families live 2000 miles from her and have nothing to do

with her unless she comes to them). She makes everyone feel badly and none of

the kids or grandkids feel emotionally safe around her. We don't talk about it a

lot together but have formed somewhat of an alliance over the past few years.

When she tells us she is coming to visit we contact one another and whomever

can, shares her time in the area. She did stay with an old friend for a few

years of visits but she seems to have burned that bridge too. Of course she

blames the friend. Lucky for me my husband sets very clear boundries with his

mother so I don't need to do it. He had to learn very young to set clear

boundries with her as she would intrude upon him and his sense of self unless he

did. He is quite strong and I admire him for it. It helps me a lot with his

mother as well as mine, who is also BP.

She called recently and spoke to my husband and said she was coming in November

for a family wedding and wanted to stay with us. He said he had to talk to me

and he'd get back to her. We spoke and both knew a week was way too long. Her

visits are so taxing and neither of us is up to it anymore. We didn't feel we

could ask the brother whose daughter's wedding it is, they will be too busy. But

his other brother we called and together they agreed to share her during the

week visit.Us leaving the house and staying at a hotel I would never do. I am

pretty certian she would go through all our stuff, plus this is our home.

She has hinted she can't afford a rental car but needs one. We all agree, we

don't lend her a car. She is not that great a driver and she doesn't take

responsibility for herself. She can rent one. She will hint that we should lend

her a car, say she is broke, but there is a line we can't cross with her. I will

offer to take her places and make it fit in with my schedule as I will be

working, but I am sure that won't be okay with her. One of the things I am

fortunate is having my husband who is very matter of fact and firm with her and

boundries. Even when I feel myself relenting - it is his mother after all, etc.-

he reminds me that if we give an inch she'll take a mile. He is right. Even when

I do special little things for her somehow she'll bite me for it, it is like we

just want it to be okay and good, but it is what it is.

I suggest you picture what you can handle - what you would ask of your own

children perhaps - and write it down. Then to prepare yourself list some things

you know she'll do, say,etc. and write a script almost of your responses - so

you feel more okay with saying what you need to say, because it won't be what

you want to be saying, but it will be healthy and logical consequences. She will

throw out to you about not being a good daughter,etc. but even in the heat of

it you will know what is reasonable and right because you have thought of it

ahead of time. You will feel sane and in control, and she will get angry because

she won't be able to manipulate you, and she may even leave -storm out - because

she won't get what she wants, she won't be able to manipulate you. If you have

support from your husband or a sibling - get them on board, and have them with

you when she is around, if possible.

And perhaps have plans to have a friend around some of the time. Does she

behave better with company around? You mentioned the drama of the wedding. Any

chance she can stay with other relatives part of the time? If you've never

discussed this problem with others in the family it is my guess at least some of

them see it and you won't even have to say much to have them understand. And

finally - since you had NC for three years and suddenly she is imposing upon you

for this wedding - It is reasonable to name the elephant in the room and tell

her upfront- if you decide to allow her to stay with you - set ground rules for

your sake, your kids sake and even her sake. If you feel you need to let her

stay with you I totally understand - but I think you could even paraphrase your

boundries with her by saying that for the sake of family harmony and in wanting

your kids to spend time with her, you need her to respect a few boundries....

Unfortunately she is like a greedy child who always wants her way and she needs

you to set the boundries. You can make it work but you'll need to be strong and

desensitize yourself to things she says that are meant to disarm and hurt you.

It is all about her getting things her way. And she already knows about your

boundries with your kids - that is awesome. She knows you are capable of NC and

will do so again if she doesn't reaspect your boundries.

Best to you -

True

>

> OMG!!! You guys do understand!!! I am so happy to have found you. 1st let me

say I went NC for 3 years because I caught her hitting my 2 year old because he

wasn't listening to her. It gave me backbone I didn't know I had!!! I was

outraged. Its one thing to mess with me, its another to mess with my babies!

lol!!!

> I am a nervous wreck. Her visit is 3 weeks away and I am walking around with

my heart beating in my chest. I try to tell myself its one week, how bad can it

be? But I know better. Family from all over the world is flying in so she will

be in major drama mood for this wedding. I wish we could stay in a hotel but

money is tight for us now. What a shame.

> I am having major anxiety attacks......no good is going to come from this

visit I fear.

> Thanks for listening and I loved all your suggestions! I know I don't have the

guts to call her and tell her its not going to work for us. I just can't. I

don't have it in me. I am a good daughter (I want to be at least). And I want me

children to know their grandmom.

> I'm torn.

>

August 11, 2011

OMG - You are so right! We drive ourselves nuts trying to do the right thing and

include our BP relatives and be " good " and " caring " , but no matter what we do it

is never enough, never okay. We get all drained and stressed and anxious and the

really hard thing to get is that we can't make it okay, and it isn't even their

fault - they really can't help themselves - they are just so mad and miserable.

I am of the current thinking that we should do what we can live with. What works

for us. Do what is right for you in your reality. You can only do what you can

do, because it is what it is.

true

> > >

> > > Hi everyone, I am new here and so glad to have found a place where it

> > seems people will understand what I have been through.

> > > What is shocking to me is that it is only this year I realized my

> > mother is narcisstic. How could I have not known earlier? I am 44 years

> > old and it is still a shock. I am so glad I was so upset I started

> > researching online " difficult mother " etc and learned about narcissism

> > and eventually this group!

> > > Anyway after being nc with my mother for 3 years, she is coming to the

> > West Coast for a wedding at the end of the month. And shhe is staying

> > with us. Can you believe? Is this a recipe for disaster or what? She

> > just invited herself and told me she is coming for one week. I then

> > suggested a hotel and she flipped out and called me the " worst daughter

> > in the world and I have no respect for parents and how she never would

> > have dared talk to her parents like that etc.... " Long story short I

> > caved and she is coming.

> > > Please help. I have only 3 weeks to learn alot. I need help with

> > boundaries I guess and anything else you can think of. I am dreading

> > this visit and can predict we will fight and it will be week from hell.

> > Please help!

> > > Thanks so much in advance!

> > >

> >

>

August 11, 2011

You know yourself better than any of us do. You need to do this your way and on

your time table. Nothing you will do will be wrong. Just try and listen to your

instincts because they will guide you as they have. Glad you got some of the

awesome book resources that are out there.

Best to you -

T