fada says my memoir will destroy him. advice/input/guidance?

[Guest guest]

Dear WTO-ers,

I'm an adult KO, writing a memoir about my crazy childhood. In confidence, I

told my grandfather about it. He assured me he'd keep it confidential, then

he immediately broke his word and told my fada about it.

A few weeks after he found out about it, my narcissistic fada angrily said

to me on the phone, " If you publish that memoir, it will destroy me. "

Of course, he hasn't read a single word of it, but he's insistent on this

fact. When I asked him what he meant when he said it would destroy him, he

said, " It would be like if there was a scientific journal article published

claiming I was a scientific fraud. Even if I knew it wasn't true, it would

destroy me. " (My fada's a medical research scientist.) I offered to let him

read it, he refused. I tried to talk with him more, he said, " I will never

discuss this with you ever again. " I proposed we go see a therapist

together, he refused.

My approach is: I'm going to get my memoir published, and if my fada has a

problem with it, that's his problem. All of the names and identifying

details (locations, professions, etc.) will be changed, it's not like I'm

going to personally name him, but I'm also going to be 100% honest about

what my parents did. If he doesn't like it, so be it.

What are your reactions? Suggestions, advice, perspective, philosophy,

anything, I'd love to hear your take. I previously asked for input on the

question of forgiveness and found everyone's words to be super powerful and

insightful, and I hope for more like that on this question.

One other thing. Although I think it's extremely unlikely, because he's

never had tendencies toward this before (unlike my borderline nada - she

threatened it once or twice but never followed through), I have a small

concern that my fada might off himself when the book comes out. I say small,

because I think it's much more likely he'd shove it away and not even read

it and do his best to ignore it. But I wanted to get this concern on the

table and see if it impacts your comments in any way...?

Thank you so much in advance!

-

[Guest guest]

, you seem to already have publishing in place. I could never figure

out how to get an agent or a publisher and I believe I wrote a lot of

quality work. Any tips would be greatly appreciated.

> **

>

>

> Dear WTO-ers,

>

> I'm an adult KO, writing a memoir about my crazy childhood. In confidence,

> I

> told my grandfather about it. He assured me he'd keep it confidential, then

> he immediately broke his word and told my fada about it.

>

> A few weeks after he found out about it, my narcissistic fada angrily said

> to me on the phone, " If you publish that memoir, it will destroy me. "

>

> Of course, he hasn't read a single word of it, but he's insistent on this

> fact. When I asked him what he meant when he said it would destroy him, he

> said, " It would be like if there was a scientific journal article published

> claiming I was a scientific fraud. Even if I knew it wasn't true, it would

> destroy me. " (My fada's a medical research scientist.) I offered to let him

> read it, he refused. I tried to talk with him more, he said, " I will never

> discuss this with you ever again. " I proposed we go see a therapist

> together, he refused.

>

> My approach is: I'm going to get my memoir published, and if my fada has a

> problem with it, that's his problem. All of the names and identifying

> details (locations, professions, etc.) will be changed, it's not like I'm

> going to personally name him, but I'm also going to be 100% honest about

> what my parents did. If he doesn't like it, so be it.

>

> What are your reactions? Suggestions, advice, perspective, philosophy,

> anything, I'd love to hear your take. I previously asked for input on the

> question of forgiveness and found everyone's words to be super powerful and

> insightful, and I hope for more like that on this question.

>

> One other thing. Although I think it's extremely unlikely, because he's

> never had tendencies toward this before (unlike my borderline nada - she

> threatened it once or twice but never followed through), I have a small

> concern that my fada might off himself when the book comes out. I say

> small,

> because I think it's much more likely he'd shove it away and not even read

> it and do his best to ignore it. But I wanted to get this concern on the

> table and see if it impacts your comments in any way...?

>

> Thank you so much in advance!

>

> -

>

>

[Guest guest]

, I think I'd take that statement as an admission of guilt! Then Id

add grandfada to my " not safe people list " and then I'd publish my book and

not talk to them about it again. It will not

destroy him, In fact if you don't bring it up he'll probably never know its

there.

On Wed, Aug 3, 2011 at 1:48 PM, Millicent Kunstler <

millicentkunstler@...> wrote:

> , you seem to already have publishing in place. I could never figure

> out how to get an agent or a publisher and I believe I wrote a lot of

> quality work. Any tips would be greatly appreciated.

>

>

>

> > **

> >

> >

> > Dear WTO-ers,

> >

> > I'm an adult KO, writing a memoir about my crazy childhood. In

> confidence,

> > I

> > told my grandfather about it. He assured me he'd keep it confidential,

> then

> > he immediately broke his word and told my fada about it.

> >

> > A few weeks after he found out about it, my narcissistic fada angrily

> said

> > to me on the phone, " If you publish that memoir, it will destroy me. "

> >

> > Of course, he hasn't read a single word of it, but he's insistent on this

> > fact. When I asked him what he meant when he said it would destroy him,

> he

> > said, " It would be like if there was a scientific journal article

> published

> > claiming I was a scientific fraud. Even if I knew it wasn't true, it

> would

> > destroy me. " (My fada's a medical research scientist.) I offered to let

> him

> > read it, he refused. I tried to talk with him more, he said, " I will

> never

> > discuss this with you ever again. " I proposed we go see a therapist

> > together, he refused.

> >

> > My approach is: I'm going to get my memoir published, and if my fada has

> a

> > problem with it, that's his problem. All of the names and identifying

> > details (locations, professions, etc.) will be changed, it's not like I'm

> > going to personally name him, but I'm also going to be 100% honest about

> > what my parents did. If he doesn't like it, so be it.

> >

> > What are your reactions? Suggestions, advice, perspective, philosophy,

> > anything, I'd love to hear your take. I previously asked for input on the

> > question of forgiveness and found everyone's words to be super powerful

> and

> > insightful, and I hope for more like that on this question.

> >

> > One other thing. Although I think it's extremely unlikely, because he's

> > never had tendencies toward this before (unlike my borderline nada - she

> > threatened it once or twice but never followed through), I have a small

> > concern that my fada might off himself when the book comes out. I say

> > small,

> > because I think it's much more likely he'd shove it away and not even

> read

> > it and do his best to ignore it. But I wanted to get this concern on the

> > table and see if it impacts your comments in any way...?

> >

> > Thank you so much in advance!

> >

> > -

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

My mother's cousin went back to school a while back, and did a family history

kind of thing for her dissertation. While the cousin was visiting me once, I

asked her about it, and she said she had to edit a lot of things out because my

mother didn't think she should include them. These stories had nothing to do

with my mother; they were about their great-grandparents! But because my mom

thought you should never say anything that could come across as negative about

anyone you are blood-related to, ever, she convinced this cousin to leave out

the stories. And they were good stories! Personally, I like hearing all the

stories, good and bad, because it helps you get a better understanding about who

people really are and where they're coming from. I told the cousin this, but she

still left them out.

Anyway, my point is, B/NPD'd people are always worried about what they look like

to everyone else, and preserving the image of spotless perfection is the most

important thing in the world to them. I can understand why your dad says it will

destroy him even though he won't read it. He's not interested in what's in it;

he's only afraid that his facade is going to get blown off and people will see

who he really is. That's dangerous to him, because he needs people to adore him.

And, yes, sadly, sometimes this issue is of life-or-death importance to these

people, but that's not something you can control. And if he did something like

that, it wouldn't be your fault, no matter what he tells you. People survive

scandal all the time, even when they're directly named. In fact, it seems to me

the Ns are some of the most resilient! They're really good at believing they

haven't done anything wrong.

It sounds like you are taking reasonable precautions by changing names--are you

using a pseudonym, too? My own opinion is that if you want to publish a book,

that's up to you and you shouldn't not do it just because your father can't

handle it.

[Guest guest]

Perhaps there are members here with experience in this situation, but it occurs

to me that unless you are planning to publish your book using a fictitious name

or pen-name, everyone who reads it and knows your real name will know that you

are talking about your own parents, and your parents will not have anonymity.

It seems to me that there might possibly be legal repercussions for you if that

is the case; like a lawsuit?

But if you are not naming any real names, any real places or any real company

names, etc., including your own, then your parents' identities should be safe, I

would think.

-Annie

>

> Dear WTO-ers,

>

> I'm an adult KO, writing a memoir about my crazy childhood. In confidence, I

> told my grandfather about it. He assured me he'd keep it confidential, then

> he immediately broke his word and told my fada about it.

>

> A few weeks after he found out about it, my narcissistic fada angrily said

> to me on the phone, " If you publish that memoir, it will destroy me. "

>

> Of course, he hasn't read a single word of it, but he's insistent on this

> fact. When I asked him what he meant when he said it would destroy him, he

> said, " It would be like if there was a scientific journal article published

> claiming I was a scientific fraud. Even if I knew it wasn't true, it would

> destroy me. " (My fada's a medical research scientist.) I offered to let him

> read it, he refused. I tried to talk with him more, he said, " I will never

> discuss this with you ever again. " I proposed we go see a therapist

> together, he refused.

>

> My approach is: I'm going to get my memoir published, and if my fada has a

> problem with it, that's his problem. All of the names and identifying

> details (locations, professions, etc.) will be changed, it's not like I'm

> going to personally name him, but I'm also going to be 100% honest about

> what my parents did. If he doesn't like it, so be it.

>

> What are your reactions? Suggestions, advice, perspective, philosophy,

> anything, I'd love to hear your take. I previously asked for input on the

> question of forgiveness and found everyone's words to be super powerful and

> insightful, and I hope for more like that on this question.

>

> One other thing. Although I think it's extremely unlikely, because he's

> never had tendencies toward this before (unlike my borderline nada - she

> threatened it once or twice but never followed through), I have a small

> concern that my fada might off himself when the book comes out. I say small,

> because I think it's much more likely he'd shove it away and not even read

> it and do his best to ignore it. But I wanted to get this concern on the

> table and see if it impacts your comments in any way...?

>

> Thank you so much in advance!

>

> -

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

like people have said I would definitely consult an attorney about possible

legal ramifications, I think this is why alot of books and stories have the blip

about 'this is a work of fiction and any similarities to real people living or

dead is a coincidence' or whatever.

Your father sounds like a classic NPD and as such it's *probably* unlikely that

he will kill himself, narcissists really don't seem to do this much in part I

guess because they never feel at fault for anything and the world outside is

what is the problem.

years ago my sister had an article written about her in the paper and as a

non-traditional college student and she wanted to mention her sexual abuse as a

reason that college was delayed for her and even though it was not my fada but

instead my grandfather that was the culprit my parents went ballistic and both

wept openly with her begging her not to do so. It was their reputation in the

town that they were worried about...the topic was in the forefront of the press

back then (early 90's) and so it was comtemporaneous but she didn't end up

including it because of their dramatics. So I can almost hear the mea culpas and

moaning and gnashing of teeth even through the internet. I agree it does sound

like an admission of guilt and what it is, which is manipulation. My worry would

be legal ramifications and after that, if you get satisfied you are not risking

a lawsuit then I would not mention the book again to any family member, and if

they find out about it when it comes out that is their issue to deal with.

>

> Dear WTO-ers,

>

> I'm an adult KO, writing a memoir about my crazy childhood. In confidence, I

> told my grandfather about it. He assured me he'd keep it confidential, then

> he immediately broke his word and told my fada about it.

>

> A few weeks after he found out about it, my narcissistic fada angrily said

> to me on the phone, " If you publish that memoir, it will destroy me. "

>

> Of course, he hasn't read a single word of it, but he's insistent on this

> fact. When I asked him what he meant when he said it would destroy him, he

> said, " It would be like if there was a scientific journal article published

> claiming I was a scientific fraud. Even if I knew it wasn't true, it would

> destroy me. " (My fada's a medical research scientist.) I offered to let him

> read it, he refused. I tried to talk with him more, he said, " I will never

> discuss this with you ever again. " I proposed we go see a therapist

> together, he refused.

>

> My approach is: I'm going to get my memoir published, and if my fada has a

> problem with it, that's his problem. All of the names and identifying

> details (locations, professions, etc.) will be changed, it's not like I'm

> going to personally name him, but I'm also going to be 100% honest about

> what my parents did. If he doesn't like it, so be it.

>

> What are your reactions? Suggestions, advice, perspective, philosophy,

> anything, I'd love to hear your take. I previously asked for input on the

> question of forgiveness and found everyone's words to be super powerful and

> insightful, and I hope for more like that on this question.

>

> One other thing. Although I think it's extremely unlikely, because he's

> never had tendencies toward this before (unlike my borderline nada - she

> threatened it once or twice but never followed through), I have a small

> concern that my fada might off himself when the book comes out. I say small,

> because I think it's much more likely he'd shove it away and not even read

> it and do his best to ignore it. But I wanted to get this concern on the

> table and see if it impacts your comments in any way...?

>

> Thank you so much in advance!

>

> -

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Are you, too, using a pseudonym? If so, you might not need to do anything.

Just let it come out under the pseudonym, say nothing, and it will probably slip

right under the radar.

If you are looking for a publisher, you might try Randi. She put out a call for

books like this a while back. (Just be sure to be very patient, stay off the

phone, and stay very, very professional.)

--.

[Guest guest]

I am writing a memoir relating the the whole KO life as well.

A few pieces of advice. If you have not done so, I d encourage you to

read " Naked, Drunk, and Writing " by Adair Lara. It has some wonderful

insights on the process and art of writing, and finally publishing, a

memoir. Also suggest The Power of Memoir: How to Write Your Healing

Story , by Dr Myers.

Learn from this: Careful with whom you share your early drafts!

My response to " If you publish this it will destroy me " : Perhaps you

should have considered that when you were doing the things I m writing

about. But it is MY memoir, not yours. You come into my story, but it

is my story. If I can get it published, I will. I take it you do NOT

want an autographed copy?

The degree to which you wish to fictionalize or disguise your and your

families identities is up to you. But his reaction comes back to the

same classic rules of the dysfunctional family.

Don t feel.

Don t talk.

Don t tell.

If you are healing, and your writing is part of that, ( It is for me!)

then keep writing. You don t have to decide about publication till its

complete. But my answer again would be close to Go to hell.

As to your fears he may attempt or commit suicide: Our BP parents use

suicidal ideations as a way to control us. My response, honed through

years of such nonsense, is

1. If you kill yourself, I ll hate it and I ll be sad. I will not be

responsible.

2. If you talk about it to me, I ll treat it just as any cop or mental

health worker would and should. I ll call 911 and tell them where you

are and what you said. If you are suicidal, you need professional

intervention. If you are using this, you need to deal with the

consequences of maybe spending 24 hours under observation in a psych

ward. And from now on, each and every time you say something that hints

at suicide, I will call 911 and turn it over to the mental health

system.

By the way, see how THAT affects your medical research career. ( and I

m sorry, but I would add, Asshole. Sorry, I know this is your Dad, but

he is being such a prick to you! )

The ONE time, after 45 years of this bullshit, that we reacted that way

to my Nada, was the last time in her life she ever , EVER used a

suicidal ideation on anyone.

She died at 72. It was not suicide.

Doug

>

> Dear WTO-ers,

>

> I'm an adult KO, writing a memoir about my crazy childhood. In

confidence, I

> told my grandfather about it. He assured me he'd keep it confidential,

then

> he immediately broke his word and told my fada about it.

>

> A few weeks after he found out about it, my narcissistic fada angrily

said

> to me on the phone, " If you publish that memoir, it will destroy me. "

>

> Of course, he hasn't read a single word of it, but he's insistent on

this

> fact. When I asked him what he meant when he said it would destroy

him, he

> said, " It would be like if there was a scientific journal article

published

> claiming I was a scientific fraud. Even if I knew it wasn't true, it

would

> destroy me. " (My fada's a medical research scientist.) I offered to

let him

> read it, he refused. I tried to talk with him more, he said, " I will

never

> discuss this with you ever again. " I proposed we go see a therapist

> together, he refused.

>

> My approach is: I'm going to get my memoir published, and if my fada

has a

> problem with it, that's his problem. All of the names and identifying

> details (locations, professions, etc.) will be changed, it's not like

I'm

> going to personally name him, but I'm also going to be 100% honest

about

> what my parents did. If he doesn't like it, so be it.

>

> What are your reactions? Suggestions, advice, perspective, philosophy,

> anything, I'd love to hear your take. I previously asked for input on

the

> question of forgiveness and found everyone's words to be super

powerful and

> insightful, and I hope for more like that on this question.

>

> One other thing. Although I think it's extremely unlikely, because

he's

> never had tendencies toward this before (unlike my borderline nada -

she

> threatened it once or twice but never followed through), I have a

small

> concern that my fada might off himself when the book comes out. I say

small,

> because I think it's much more likely he'd shove it away and not even

read

> it and do his best to ignore it. But I wanted to get this concern on

the

> table and see if it impacts your comments in any way...?

>

> Thank you so much in advance!

>

> -

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Wow. Thank you so much to everyone for your input and advice on my memoir!

(Context: My dilemma was that my father said, " if you publish the memoir, it

will destroy me " and I've been struggling with how to move forward.)

Several of you suggested using a pen name. I've thought about that, but

decided to defer the decision until just prior to publication, in

consultation with my to-be-determined publisher, agent, and if necessary, an

attorney. As of this moment I'd much rather publish under my real name. I'm

a writer by trade and I want this book to be part of my career, not outside

it. On the other hand, maybe a pen name would provide some benefits I'm not

seeing? (Other than helping to blunt the impact on my dad/family?)

Speaking of which, I'm working on not just one, but a series of memoirs. The

later ones contain some very difficult revelations about my personal life,

so there might be a benefit to me of using a pen name. I'm thinking

especially of my dating life – if I'm still single when the sequels get

released, I'm concerned what Google would turn up for prospective dates. (On

the other hand, wouldn't it be nice to be open and out about that pain,

without holding back or headtripping about how it will be received?)

I am hoping the book will be a big hit, so I don't want it to get published

and disappear as some have suggested, rather, I'm aiming for the NYT

bestseller list.

A few specific responses:

Millicent -- check out Larsen's book, " How to get a literary agent. "

Get a bunch of friends/acquaintances (those who know you least may actually

be best, as they're more neutral/unbiased) to read your book and rate it

from a scale of 1-10. If you aren't getting at least a few 8s and 9s, keep

working 'til you start getting some high ratings. Not everyone needs to say

it's an 8+ but at least a few should, I imagine, if you want to land an

agent. Figure out how you can make your writing and the flow of the story

compelling for any reader not just people from Oz.

Girlscout Cowboy - Yup, good input.

Svarktshka - Wow, so well said, yes!

Anuria and Llel - I'm not worried about the legal ramifications. I've got a

lot of physical paper records to prove that the events in my book actually

happened, and in any case, as a point of reference, the lawsuit against

Augusten Burroughs' bestselling memoir Running with Scissors accomplished

nothing. (Google it.) But I will consult with an attorney if it seems

warranted.

Roganda/ - Thanks for the tip about Randi. I'll def. reach out to her

as the time draws closer for publication.

Doug - Dude, your comments blew me away. I just laughed out loud. Soooo

right on. Would you mind if I quote the " classic rules of the dysfunctional

family " bit in my book? (Where did you get them, or did you make them up?)

Yes, I'm a member of the National Association of Memoir Writers (namw.org)

and listened to many of their catalog of teleseminars and skimmed most of

Joy Myers' books, they are helpful, and I recommend them to any

aspiring memoirists on this list. I'll look up Adair Lara for sure. Yes, I

made some huge and stupid mistakes about who I shared my early drafts with

before I'd read 's book, that was a painful learning experience, and

I've been paying the emotional price for it for 18 months now.

After reading everyone's comments, I think my attitude now is: I'm LETTING

GO of attachment to anything my family members say or do in response to my

memoir. It's not my problem. It's theirs. The challenge for me is to love

them anyway, but I won't allow my happiness and my writing ambitions to be

impacted by their emotional garbage.

I also think it's good for abused children to keep setting the precedent

that abuse shall not stay hidden and unmentioned despite the wishes of those

who abused us. Our goal is to shift the culture of child abuse (I believe

the United States of America is by and large a culture of child abuse) --

and memoirs like mine, I can only hope, will have an impact in changing the

culture.

Thank you to all!

-

[Guest guest]

,

I checked out the namw.org website. Wonderful! Thanks for turning me on

to it. I saw an article on there dealing with this very issue. I

believe the title was " They Should Have Behaved Better. "

Nuf said?

I have read a number of rules of dysfunctional families, through

therapy, and various support and counseling efforts I m involved in to

try and pass the healing spark along. These are some I have distilled

over the years, and as you note, they do quite ring a bell. I don t

claim them as original, just my take on them. But I have read similar

takes on the rules before.

As far as I am concerned, feel free to use it. You can even quote me as

having said that is my take on it, and that takes the worry out of

copyright problems. I DID say it, even if someone else may have written

it down somewhere first.

Yea, man, they do make us suffer for their sins, don t they?

Doug

> Doug - Dude, your comments blew me away. I just laughed out loud.

Soooo

> right on. Would you mind if I quote the " classic rules of the

dysfunctional

> family " bit in my book? (Where did you get them, or did you make them

up?)

> Yes, I'm a member of the National Association of Memoir Writers

(namw.org)

> and listened to many of their catalog of teleseminars and skimmed most

of

> Joy Myers' books, they are helpful, and I recommend them to any

> aspiring memoirists on this list. I'll look up Adair Lara for sure.

Yes, I

> made some huge and stupid mistakes about who I shared my early drafts

with

> before I'd read 's book, that was a painful learning experience,

and

> I've been paying the emotional price for it for 18 months now.

>

[Guest guest]

I've read those rules too but I don't remember where. I think if you look up

rules of dysfunctional familes you will find it.

> **

>

>

>

> ,

>

> I checked out the namw.org website. Wonderful! Thanks for turning me on

> to it. I saw an article on there dealing with this very issue. I

> believe the title was " They Should Have Behaved Better. "

>

> Nuf said?

>

> I have read a number of rules of dysfunctional families, through

> therapy, and various support and counseling efforts I m involved in to

> try and pass the healing spark along. These are some I have distilled

> over the years, and as you note, they do quite ring a bell. I don t

> claim them as original, just my take on them. But I have read similar

> takes on the rules before.

>

> As far as I am concerned, feel free to use it. You can even quote me as

> having said that is my take on it, and that takes the worry out of

> copyright problems. I DID say it, even if someone else may have written

> it down somewhere first.

>

> Yea, man, they do make us suffer for their sins, don t they?

>

> Doug

>

>

> > Doug - Dude, your comments blew me away. I just laughed out loud.

> Soooo

> > right on. Would you mind if I quote the " classic rules of the

> dysfunctional

> > family " bit in my book? (Where did you get them, or did you make them

> up?)

> > Yes, I'm a member of the National Association of Memoir Writers

> (namw.org)

> > and listened to many of their catalog of teleseminars and skimmed most

> of

> > Joy Myers' books, they are helpful, and I recommend them to any

> > aspiring memoirists on this list. I'll look up Adair Lara for sure.

> Yes, I

> > made some huge and stupid mistakes about who I shared my early drafts

> with

> > before I'd read 's book, that was a painful learning experience,

> and

> > I've been paying the emotional price for it for 18 months now.

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I found a link to an article on Dysfunctional Family " Rules " :

http://www.thewellspring.com/flex/professional-integration/2455/dysfunctional-fa\

mily-rules.cfm

Hope it helps!

>

> > **

> >

> >

> >

> > ,

> >

> > I checked out the namw.org website. Wonderful! Thanks for turning me on

> > to it. I saw an article on there dealing with this very issue. I

> > believe the title was " They Should Have Behaved Better. "

> >

> > Nuf said?

> >

> > I have read a number of rules of dysfunctional families, through

> > therapy, and various support and counseling efforts I m involved in to

> > try and pass the healing spark along. These are some I have distilled

> > over the years, and as you note, they do quite ring a bell. I don t

> > claim them as original, just my take on them. But I have read similar

> > takes on the rules before.

> >

> > As far as I am concerned, feel free to use it. You can even quote me as

> > having said that is my take on it, and that takes the worry out of

> > copyright problems. I DID say it, even if someone else may have written

> > it down somewhere first.

> >

> > Yea, man, they do make us suffer for their sins, don t they?

> >

> > Doug

> >

> >

> > > Doug - Dude, your comments blew me away. I just laughed out loud.

> > Soooo

> > > right on. Would you mind if I quote the " classic rules of the

> > dysfunctional

> > > family " bit in my book? (Where did you get them, or did you make them

> > up?)

> > > Yes, I'm a member of the National Association of Memoir Writers

> > (namw.org)

> > > and listened to many of their catalog of teleseminars and skimmed most

> > of

> > > Joy Myers' books, they are helpful, and I recommend them to any

> > > aspiring memoirists on this list. I'll look up Adair Lara for sure.

> > Yes, I

> > > made some huge and stupid mistakes about who I shared my early drafts

> > with

> > > before I'd read 's book, that was a painful learning experience,

> > and

> > > I've been paying the emotional price for it for 18 months now.

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I think if you look up the rules of dysfunctional families, GS, you ll

find a picture of me and you!

Doug

>

> > **

> >

> >

> >

> > ,

> >

> > I checked out the namw.org website. Wonderful! Thanks for turning me

on

> > to it. I saw an article on there dealing with this very issue. I

> > believe the title was " They Should Have Behaved Better. "

> >

> > Nuf said?

> >

> > I have read a number of rules of dysfunctional families, through

> > therapy, and various support and counseling efforts I m involved in

to

> > try and pass the healing spark along. These are some I have

distilled

> > over the years, and as you note, they do quite ring a bell. I don t

> > claim them as original, just my take on them. But I have read

similar

> > takes on the rules before.

> >

> > As far as I am concerned, feel free to use it. You can even quote me

as

> > having said that is my take on it, and that takes the worry out of

> > copyright problems. I DID say it, even if someone else may have

written

> > it down somewhere first.

> >

> > Yea, man, they do make us suffer for their sins, don t they?

> >

> > Doug

> >

> >

> > > Doug - Dude, your comments blew me away. I just laughed out loud.

> > Soooo

> > > right on. Would you mind if I quote the " classic rules of the

> > dysfunctional

> > > family " bit in my book? (Where did you get them, or did you make

them

> > up?)

> > > Yes, I'm a member of the National Association of Memoir Writers

> > (namw.org)

> > > and listened to many of their catalog of teleseminars and skimmed

most

> > of

> > > Joy Myers' books, they are helpful, and I recommend them to

any

> > > aspiring memoirists on this list. I'll look up Adair Lara for

sure.

> > Yes, I

> > > made some huge and stupid mistakes about who I shared my early

drafts

> > with

> > > before I'd read 's book, that was a painful learning

experience,

> > and

> > > I've been paying the emotional price for it for 18 months now.

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>