Guest guest Posted March 14, 2012 Report Share Posted March 14, 2012 Its been a while since I've posted anything on here. Mostly due to being busy with school and work and not having much privacy to sit down and write. Lately, I've really exited the tab on thoughts about my Nada and how to help her. Instead of engaging in her dramatic, text message lectures and complaints about everything in her life, I usually just turn off my phone and I don't respond. I'm trying to lay down my boundaries with her but of course she still doesn't understand. Still texts me and tries to argue with me about her life and about my father (they recently got divorced this summer but have been apart for about 3 years now). I've gotten better at ignoring her drama since I've been living with my boyfriend and he doesn't want to me to have to deal with it anymore than I do, but the guilt is really hard for me to deal with sometimes. I hate the fact that she thinks I hate her and want nothing to do with her. That's really not it at all. I'd love to have a good relationship with my mother and see her more often or talk to her more often but I can't do that when she constantly wants to go off on me. When she's going off on me, she's usually just doing it because she thinks everyone in my family (my brother, me and my Dad) all hate her. When in reality we just can't handle her mood swings and 'crisis' forever but she doesn't recognize these issues within her self. I was just wondering if anyone else had similar problems and how you handle the guilt within yourself. I don't feel guilty about the fact that I won't argue with her or that I am establishing boundaries, I simply just hate the fact that she thinks I hate her. Any daughter would feel this way, I think it's just a natural instinct to want to have your mother in your life. I know that I can't change the fact that she thinks that I don't like her. Some times I just want to completely stop talking to her because her arguments about things will never get old. It just upsets me that she can't see how I really feel about her on a positive level and that's really what keeps me tied when it comes to our relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 15, 2012 Report Share Posted March 15, 2012 I'm glad for you that you are laying down some boundaries and have stopped believing that you are somehow responsible for your nada's feelings. Its typical for bpd/npd parents to escalate their demanding behaviors when the adult child first begins to establish reasonable adult boundaries for themselves. One of the bpd diagnostic criteria is " frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. " My own personal take on this is that your nada is using " ...You hate me... " as a manipulative tactic, the way other people with bpd use suicide threats as a manipulative tactic. Maybe you can get past the inappropriate, misplaced guilt feelings that that false accusation fills you with, by feeling a little angry about the fact that your mother is willing to pull out such a big club to bash you with. She actually is willing to hurt you in order to make you drop your boundary; that's not very loving behavior. Its more like the behavior of a two year old pitching a screaming tantrum; your feelings and needs are not important, only hers are. When your nada uses " You hate me! " that is an example of FOG: Fear-Obligation-Guilt, and its designed to *force* you to abandon your boundary and remain just as available to her and just as engaged with her as you were before. Its a power-play. My suggestion is to maintain your schedule of when and for how long you contact her, whatever that is, and just repeat like a broken record, " I know this isn't easy for you, mom, but I will contact you on X day at X time from now on as we discussed earlier; thanks for understanding. " I suggest that you do not engage her regarding her accusation that you " hate " her. That is an attempt to get you to defend yourself and argue with her about it. But you can't have a rational discussion with an irrational person. If she does " go off on you " : becomes belligerent or makes more negative accusations or becomes hysterical when you do contact her, you can cut the call short. " I can hear that you are upset, but I can't talk to you when you are screaming at me/calling me ugly names/crying/. We can talk again next week when you are calmer.... " The idea is to not reward her with your attention when she is acting out. Hopefully, eventually it will register with your nada that she will get more time with you if she does not flip out/ verbally attack you. If your nada, like mine did, escalates her FOG behaviors and does make suicide threats at some point, I suggest you go straight to, " I am going to call 911, mom. I am not trained or equipped to help you, but they can. So if you mention suicide to me, I'm calling 911. " I hope that helps. -Annie > > Its been a while since I've posted anything on here. Mostly due to being busy with school and work and not having much privacy to sit down and write. > > Lately, I've really exited the tab on thoughts about my Nada and how to help her. Instead of engaging in her dramatic, text message lectures and complaints about everything in her life, I usually just turn off my phone and I don't respond. I'm trying to lay down my boundaries with her but of course she still doesn't understand. Still texts me and tries to argue with me about her life and about my father (they recently got divorced this summer but have been apart for about 3 years now). > > I've gotten better at ignoring her drama since I've been living with my boyfriend and he doesn't want to me to have to deal with it anymore than I do, but the guilt is really hard for me to deal with sometimes. I hate the fact that she thinks I hate her and want nothing to do with her. That's really not it at all. I'd love to have a good relationship with my mother and see her more often or talk to her more often but I can't do that when she constantly wants to go off on me. When she's going off on me, she's usually just doing it because she thinks everyone in my family (my brother, me and my Dad) all hate her. When in reality we just can't handle her mood swings and 'crisis' forever but she doesn't recognize these issues within her self. > > I was just wondering if anyone else had similar problems and how you handle the guilt within yourself. I don't feel guilty about the fact that I won't argue with her or that I am establishing boundaries, I simply just hate the fact that she thinks I hate her. Any daughter would feel this way, I think it's just a natural instinct to want to have your mother in your life. I know that I can't change the fact that she thinks that I don't like her. Some times I just want to completely stop talking to her because her arguments about things will never get old. It just upsets me that she can't see how I really feel about her on a positive level and that's really what keeps me tied when it comes to our relationship. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 15, 2012 Report Share Posted March 15, 2012 Hi, I am experiencing exactly what you are talking about. I think many if not all the other people have experienced something similar. I'm 47 and I've been trying to help my Nada and make her happy all my life. The hurt and misery of our relationship have finally after all this time, won over the guilt. I don't feel guilty anymore. What I do feel is frustration and sadness that I have have to accept that I can't make things better. You have to lay down the boundaries now or at least keep trying. Don't wait and don't give up. You have school, work and a boyfriend that cares about you. You get to have a life! You are not alone in your feelings but need to make you the number one. Easier said then done but we are all a work in progress. Many have said that my Nada makes her own choices and I get that. I'm still working on not feeling bad that she couldn't make better ones. > > Its been a while since I've posted anything on here. Mostly due to being busy with school and work and not having much privacy to sit down and write. > > Lately, I've really exited the tab on thoughts about my Nada and how to help her. Instead of engaging in her dramatic, text message lectures and complaints about everything in her life, I usually just turn off my phone and I don't respond. I'm trying to lay down my boundaries with her but of course she still doesn't understand. Still texts me and tries to argue with me about her life and about my father (they recently got divorced this summer but have been apart for about 3 years now). > > I've gotten better at ignoring her drama since I've been living with my boyfriend and he doesn't want to me to have to deal with it anymore than I do, but the guilt is really hard for me to deal with sometimes. I hate the fact that she thinks I hate her and want nothing to do with her. That's really not it at all. I'd love to have a good relationship with my mother and see her more often or talk to her more often but I can't do that when she constantly wants to go off on me. When she's going off on me, she's usually just doing it because she thinks everyone in my family (my brother, me and my Dad) all hate her. When in reality we just can't handle her mood swings and 'crisis' forever but she doesn't recognize these issues within her self. > > I was just wondering if anyone else had similar problems and how you handle the guilt within yourself. I don't feel guilty about the fact that I won't argue with her or that I am establishing boundaries, I simply just hate the fact that she thinks I hate her. Any daughter would feel this way, I think it's just a natural instinct to want to have your mother in your life. I know that I can't change the fact that she thinks that I don't like her. Some times I just want to completely stop talking to her because her arguments about things will never get old. It just upsets me that she can't see how I really feel about her on a positive level and that's really what keeps me tied when it comes to our relationship. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 15, 2012 Report Share Posted March 15, 2012 Good for you for taking care of yourself. Maintaining healthy boundaries is nothing to be ashamed of. My nada starting sniffing about how I " hate the family " when I hit puberty and starting trying to separate, and it's taken me almost 20 years to figure out that it wasn't me. Annie's suggestions are great, and it's really true about the escalation. Don't be surprised if it's well beyond what you've seen before. I tried several times over the years to set and enforce boundaries at the suggestion of some well-meaning therapist or another. I succumbed every time to the tidal wave of rage and guilt and shame (the therapist was always mystified that it didn't work, so I thought I'd done it wrong). I completely understand your longing for a close, healthy relationship. In my nada's lucid moments it felt like I had a real mother and I got enmeshed over and over again in my desperation for that, to the point of making myself sick with denial and self-blame. Stay strong, no matter what, and protect yourself. Maybe repeat 10 times " I am not responsible for her " right before you interact with her. > > > > Its been a while since I've posted anything on here. Mostly due to being busy with school and work and not having much privacy to sit down and write. > > > > Lately, I've really exited the tab on thoughts about my Nada and how to help her. Instead of engaging in her dramatic, text message lectures and complaints about everything in her life, I usually just turn off my phone and I don't respond. I'm trying to lay down my boundaries with her but of course she still doesn't understand. Still texts me and tries to argue with me about her life and about my father (they recently got divorced this summer but have been apart for about 3 years now). > > > > I've gotten better at ignoring her drama since I've been living with my boyfriend and he doesn't want to me to have to deal with it anymore than I do, but the guilt is really hard for me to deal with sometimes. I hate the fact that she thinks I hate her and want nothing to do with her. That's really not it at all. I'd love to have a good relationship with my mother and see her more often or talk to her more often but I can't do that when she constantly wants to go off on me. When she's going off on me, she's usually just doing it because she thinks everyone in my family (my brother, me and my Dad) all hate her. When in reality we just can't handle her mood swings and 'crisis' forever but she doesn't recognize these issues within her self. > > > > I was just wondering if anyone else had similar problems and how you handle the guilt within yourself. I don't feel guilty about the fact that I won't argue with her or that I am establishing boundaries, I simply just hate the fact that she thinks I hate her. Any daughter would feel this way, I think it's just a natural instinct to want to have your mother in your life. I know that I can't change the fact that she thinks that I don't like her. Some times I just want to completely stop talking to her because her arguments about things will never get old. It just upsets me that she can't see how I really feel about her on a positive level and that's really what keeps me tied when it comes to our relationship. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 16, 2012 Report Share Posted March 16, 2012 Annie, Thank you very much for you advice. I really appreciate your suggestions. You have reminded me how important it is to look at the irrational behavior in a logical and rational perspective, when dealing with a bpd this is sometimes confusing. I think that being away from my mother and unaware of her day to day activities is still very new to me. As a child, I spent a lot of my time with her. She is not the same now though and I must accept that. Anyways I appreciate what you have written and will take your advice. Especially about the suicide threats which she has done before but lately, not so much. Namaste > > > > Its been a while since I've posted anything on here. Mostly due to being busy with school and work and not having much privacy to sit down and write. > > > > Lately, I've really exited the tab on thoughts about my Nada and how to help her. Instead of engaging in her dramatic, text message lectures and complaints about everything in her life, I usually just turn off my phone and I don't respond. I'm trying to lay down my boundaries with her but of course she still doesn't understand. Still texts me and tries to argue with me about her life and about my father (they recently got divorced this summer but have been apart for about 3 years now). > > > > I've gotten better at ignoring her drama since I've been living with my boyfriend and he doesn't want to me to have to deal with it anymore than I do, but the guilt is really hard for me to deal with sometimes. I hate the fact that she thinks I hate her and want nothing to do with her. That's really not it at all. I'd love to have a good relationship with my mother and see her more often or talk to her more often but I can't do that when she constantly wants to go off on me. When she's going off on me, she's usually just doing it because she thinks everyone in my family (my brother, me and my Dad) all hate her. When in reality we just can't handle her mood swings and 'crisis' forever but she doesn't recognize these issues within her self. > > > > I was just wondering if anyone else had similar problems and how you handle the guilt within yourself. I don't feel guilty about the fact that I won't argue with her or that I am establishing boundaries, I simply just hate the fact that she thinks I hate her. Any daughter would feel this way, I think it's just a natural instinct to want to have your mother in your life. I know that I can't change the fact that she thinks that I don't like her. Some times I just want to completely stop talking to her because her arguments about things will never get old. It just upsets me that she can't see how I really feel about her on a positive level and that's really what keeps me tied when it comes to our relationship. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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