change is hard

[Guest guest]

I have been making some positive changes in my life over the past year...buying

my own house, putting my daughter in daycare (away from nada), creating some

space between my enmeshed nada/fada and myself and daughter. With school

starting, my fada asked if I was going to put my daughter on the bus myself and

pick her up from after school care or if I was going to let them pick her up

after school. I told him that she was going to after school care because I can

not trust my nada and it is my job to protect my daughter from nada...regardless

of anything else. He was upset and told me that if she was sick and couldn't

attend school (or otherwise needed a sitter)that he was NOT making himself

available to help...I would be handling it all on my own...at first it scared me

but it also just makes me mad. It is sick and horrible to use that as leverage

to try to get your way. No cares about anything but what they want. In the

end, a choice will have to be made...how bad does he want to have a relationship

with his granddaighter? Enough to see her with out nada??? He doesn't realize

that yet...

[Guest guest]

it must feel like a slap in the face. What I have found with my nada in terms

of fada's insanity is that when all is quiet and well, she can appear to be my

ally (she is waifish) but when I assert a boundary, that ally completely

disappears. In other words, she has narcissism and an inability to empathize.

Not to mention the character assassination of me on the downlow where she agrees

with him. These types always like to think of themselves 'in the middle' but

they are really playing both ends to the middle. I know it hurts when all of a

sudden the true colors come screaming out. I think for the dishrag dad or

codependent type, they like the middle because it appeals to their sense of

victimhood. I know my mother twists reality like a ballon animal to make it

appear as if both parties are equally at fault, when in reality, one party is

acting out like a lunatic and squashing everyone around them...that's the case

with my fada, it's the case with my sister in law, hell it's the case with

everyone all the time with her. She can't stand for there to be an inequity in

which she has to assert herself or stand up for someone else. it's due to her

trauma history I know, but it completely screwed me up in terms of me now

attracting abusers as significant others because I was so confused about who was

at fault and who is and is not okay. when you get right down to it, the fact is

that they are complicit in the abuse and there is no getting around it. I am so

sorry that your fada is throwing a hissy fit because you are protecting your

child. He didn't protect you and it's clear he is not able to empathize with

your desire to protect your own child from his wife. It SUCKS that they allow

themselves these blindspots. Hugs!

>

> I have been making some positive changes in my life over the past

year...buying my own house, putting my daughter in daycare (away from nada),

creating some space between my enmeshed nada/fada and myself and daughter. With

school starting, my fada asked if I was going to put my daughter on the bus

myself and pick her up from after school care or if I was going to let them pick

her up after school. I told him that she was going to after school care because

I can not trust my nada and it is my job to protect my daughter from

nada...regardless of anything else. He was upset and told me that if she was

sick and couldn't attend school (or otherwise needed a sitter)that he was NOT

making himself available to help...I would be handling it all on my own...at

first it scared me but it also just makes me mad. It is sick and horrible to

use that as leverage to try to get your way. No cares about anything but what

they want. In the end, a choice will have to be made...how bad does he want to

have a relationship with his granddaighter? Enough to see her with out nada???

He doesn't realize that yet...

>