Guest guest Posted August 4, 2011 Report Share Posted August 4, 2011 I saw my T this afternoon and in talking about nada, we ended up talking about her family and how even crazier they are compared to her. And she brought to my attention how I really have no family, no safe person on either of my parents' sides of the family, that I share blood with that I can say I am close to or exchange birthday or holiday presents with or anything! No one. No grandparents. No aunts. No uncles, cousins, first, second, or third. This has been partly because of geography. Many of them are in another country. It's also been because of nada, b/c she has always had issues with them that she chooses to make excuses about, saying it's because they live on another continent that she's not close to her siblings and that she hasn't seen her mother in over 20 years (lucky her). But when we were little she would censor my phone conversations with the relatives ... " be sure you don't mention this, this, this, and ESPECIALLY that. And make sure you tell them this and the other. " Or she herself feels unsafe with the ones that live mere blocks from us. She feels like they don't love her or she just assumes they don't like her, etc. I can see her point sometimes. They're just not likeable people. And, lastly, it has been my choice. When we flew to where they live and I finally met them almost 30 years ago, I realized even as a teen, how strange they were and how unsafe I felt with them. They'd just met me and although they were affectionate and happy to see me and my brother, they right away began criticizing us, calling me fat and my brother rude and asking us for money. I knew as time went on, that I wouldn't and didn't want anything to do with them. Even when they have reached out to me, out of fear of being judged and of having my comments relayed back to my mother, I have ignored their calls and just not called them back. Because in the past that's what's happened over and over. They criticize. Or they " suggest " what I should do, relentlessly. I don't want a relationship with them. That's my choice. But it sucks, and it hurts. That I don't have an extended family to share with my kids. I think that's what makes me most sad of all. Trying to explain the craziness to them. I know how incredibly, incredibly blessed I am to have my husband. He is a jewel, he really is. He's so understanding and giving. And my kids are brilliant. I love being with them. I don't know how to put into words, though, the grief I feel. I think it's something that I knew all along and it just hurt so much to have to accept today that I don't have that. And T wasn't saying it to hurt me. I think she was saying it to help me see the pattern in my life of protecting myself from my family--of being judged, scrutinized, controlled, and made fun of by people who supposedly love me--and how it has affected my desire to make and have friends. She was encouraging me, and I have to agree with her, in how far I have come. How much more open I am to other people, and to experiencing joy in relationships, instead of constantly anticipating the worst. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 4, 2011 Report Share Posted August 4, 2011 Fiona, I'm really proud of you. I see a big change in you the last few monts - standing up to nada, looking for patterns in your family tree. You are awesome and I heart you and I " m grateful to knwo you online! PS I had the same discovery - grieved - and then decided who I would invite to be in my family and I like it much better than the originals. XOOXOXOXOXOXOXOO On Thu, Aug 4, 2011 at 1:21 PM, Fiona wrote: > ** > > > I saw my T this afternoon and in talking about nada, we ended up talking > about her family and how even crazier they are compared to her. > > And she brought to my attention how I really have no family, no safe person > on either of my parents' sides of the family, that I share blood with that I > can say I am close to or exchange birthday or holiday presents with or > anything! > > No one. > > No grandparents. > > No aunts. > > No uncles, cousins, first, second, or third. > > This has been partly because of geography. Many of them are in another > country. > > It's also been because of nada, b/c she has always had issues with them > that she chooses to make excuses about, saying it's because they live on > another continent that she's not close to her siblings and that she hasn't > seen her mother in over 20 years (lucky her). But when we were little she > would censor my phone conversations with the relatives ... " be sure you don't > mention this, this, this, and ESPECIALLY that. And make sure you tell them > this and the other. " Or she herself feels unsafe with the ones that live > mere blocks from us. She feels like they don't love her or she just assumes > they don't like her, etc. I can see her point sometimes. They're just not > likeable people. > > And, lastly, it has been my choice. When we flew to where they live and I > finally met them almost 30 years ago, I realized even as a teen, how strange > they were and how unsafe I felt with them. They'd just met me and although > they were affectionate and happy to see me and my brother, they right away > began criticizing us, calling me fat and my brother rude and asking us for > money. I knew as time went on, that I wouldn't and didn't want anything to > do with them. > > Even when they have reached out to me, out of fear of being judged and of > having my comments relayed back to my mother, I have ignored their calls and > just not called them back. Because in the past that's what's happened over > and over. They criticize. Or they " suggest " what I should do, relentlessly. > I don't want a relationship with them. That's my choice. > > But it sucks, and it hurts. That I don't have an extended family to share > with my kids. I think that's what makes me most sad of all. Trying to > explain the craziness to them. > > I know how incredibly, incredibly blessed I am to have my husband. He is a > jewel, he really is. He's so understanding and giving. And my kids are > brilliant. I love being with them. > > I don't know how to put into words, though, the grief I feel. I think it's > something that I knew all along and it just hurt so much to have to accept > today that I don't have that. > > And T wasn't saying it to hurt me. I think she was saying it to help me see > the pattern in my life of protecting myself from my family--of being judged, > scrutinized, controlled, and made fun of by people who supposedly love > me--and how it has affected my desire to make and have friends. > > She was encouraging me, and I have to agree with her, in how far I have > come. How much more open I am to other people, and to experiencing joy in > relationships, instead of constantly anticipating the worst. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 5, 2011 Report Share Posted August 5, 2011 Thanks, GS. Big hugs!!!!! Same here. > > > ** > > > > > > I saw my T this afternoon and in talking about nada, we ended up talking > > about her family and how even crazier they are compared to her. > > > > And she brought to my attention how I really have no family, no safe person > > on either of my parents' sides of the family, that I share blood with that I > > can say I am close to or exchange birthday or holiday presents with or > > anything! > > > > No one. > > > > No grandparents. > > > > No aunts. > > > > No uncles, cousins, first, second, or third. > > > > This has been partly because of geography. Many of them are in another > > country. > > > > It's also been because of nada, b/c she has always had issues with them > > that she chooses to make excuses about, saying it's because they live on > > another continent that she's not close to her siblings and that she hasn't > > seen her mother in over 20 years (lucky her). But when we were little she > > would censor my phone conversations with the relatives ... " be sure you don't > > mention this, this, this, and ESPECIALLY that. And make sure you tell them > > this and the other. " Or she herself feels unsafe with the ones that live > > mere blocks from us. She feels like they don't love her or she just assumes > > they don't like her, etc. I can see her point sometimes. They're just not > > likeable people. > > > > And, lastly, it has been my choice. When we flew to where they live and I > > finally met them almost 30 years ago, I realized even as a teen, how strange > > they were and how unsafe I felt with them. They'd just met me and although > > they were affectionate and happy to see me and my brother, they right away > > began criticizing us, calling me fat and my brother rude and asking us for > > money. I knew as time went on, that I wouldn't and didn't want anything to > > do with them. > > > > Even when they have reached out to me, out of fear of being judged and of > > having my comments relayed back to my mother, I have ignored their calls and > > just not called them back. Because in the past that's what's happened over > > and over. They criticize. Or they " suggest " what I should do, relentlessly. > > I don't want a relationship with them. That's my choice. > > > > But it sucks, and it hurts. That I don't have an extended family to share > > with my kids. I think that's what makes me most sad of all. Trying to > > explain the craziness to them. > > > > I know how incredibly, incredibly blessed I am to have my husband. He is a > > jewel, he really is. He's so understanding and giving. And my kids are > > brilliant. I love being with them. > > > > I don't know how to put into words, though, the grief I feel. I think it's > > something that I knew all along and it just hurt so much to have to accept > > today that I don't have that. > > > > And T wasn't saying it to hurt me. I think she was saying it to help me see > > the pattern in my life of protecting myself from my family--of being judged, > > scrutinized, controlled, and made fun of by people who supposedly love > > me--and how it has affected my desire to make and have friends. > > > > She was encouraging me, and I have to agree with her, in how far I have > > come. How much more open I am to other people, and to experiencing joy in > > relationships, instead of constantly anticipating the worst. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 6, 2011 Report Share Posted August 6, 2011 You've really been cut off, haven't you? So sorry, Fiona. You have made amazing progress from where you came from. When I became estranged from my parents I felt so isolated. Part of it was my fault--my mother had always controlled the contact I had with the rest of the family. I did not go 'over her head' to contact any of the family because I did not want to answer the questions that would come up. So, I spent the next 8 years working on genealogy. Looking up dead ancestors, piecing together their lives, gave me a sense of where I came from, independent of my 2 parents. I understand my father's side of the family much more now. I have a lot of ancestors I am proud to claim, even on my mother's side. Dead and ancient relatives give me no negative feedback, and I don't ever have to worry about pissing them off! Of course, doing genealogy based outside the US has it's own set of problems, but more files are being digitally compiled all the time. I have met lots of other researchers, too, which helps me because I tend to be people shy. > > I saw my T this afternoon and in talking about nada, we ended up talking about her family and how even crazier they are compared to her. > > And she brought to my attention how I really have no family, no safe person on either of my parents' sides of the family, that I share blood with that I can say I am close to or exchange birthday or holiday presents with or anything! > > No one. > > No grandparents. > > No aunts. > > No uncles, cousins, first, second, or third. > > This has been partly because of geography. Many of them are in another country. > > It's also been because of nada, b/c she has always had issues with them that she chooses to make excuses about, saying it's because they live on another continent that she's not close to her siblings and that she hasn't seen her mother in over 20 years (lucky her). But when we were little she would censor my phone conversations with the relatives ... " be sure you don't mention this, this, this, and ESPECIALLY that. And make sure you tell them this and the other. " Or she herself feels unsafe with the ones that live mere blocks from us. She feels like they don't love her or she just assumes they don't like her, etc. I can see her point sometimes. They're just not likeable people. > > > And, lastly, it has been my choice. When we flew to where they live and I finally met them almost 30 years ago, I realized even as a teen, how strange they were and how unsafe I felt with them. They'd just met me and although they were affectionate and happy to see me and my brother, they right away began criticizing us, calling me fat and my brother rude and asking us for money. I knew as time went on, that I wouldn't and didn't want anything to do with them. > > Even when they have reached out to me, out of fear of being judged and of having my comments relayed back to my mother, I have ignored their calls and just not called them back. Because in the past that's what's happened over and over. They criticize. Or they " suggest " what I should do, relentlessly. I don't want a relationship with them. That's my choice. > > But it sucks, and it hurts. That I don't have an extended family to share with my kids. I think that's what makes me most sad of all. Trying to explain the craziness to them. > > I know how incredibly, incredibly blessed I am to have my husband. He is a jewel, he really is. He's so understanding and giving. And my kids are brilliant. I love being with them. > > I don't know how to put into words, though, the grief I feel. I think it's something that I knew all along and it just hurt so much to have to accept today that I don't have that. > > And T wasn't saying it to hurt me. I think she was saying it to help me see the pattern in my life of protecting myself from my family--of being judged, scrutinized, controlled, and made fun of by people who supposedly love me--and how it has affected my desire to make and have friends. > > She was encouraging me, and I have to agree with her, in how far I have come. How much more open I am to other people, and to experiencing joy in relationships, instead of constantly anticipating the worst. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 6, 2011 Report Share Posted August 6, 2011 Thanks, Echo. Well, the being cut off has happened over the years, not so much now bc of my LC with nada. I think it's for the best; they all seem to have some sort of pd that I really don't want to sift through! No more, thank you!! I guess it's about choosing a new family of people to be with. (The genealogy work must've been interesting! For me, I think I'd be afraid to find out how far back our crazy goes! ha ha) But knowing/realizing/understanding that my own family is not FOR me, has been a sad moment for me. I just have to work through it. Thanks for being here for me! Right back atcha! > > > > I saw my T this afternoon and in talking about nada, we ended up talking about her family and how even crazier they are compared to her. > > > > And she brought to my attention how I really have no family, no safe person on either of my parents' sides of the family, that I share blood with that I can say I am close to or exchange birthday or holiday presents with or anything! > > > > No one. > > > > No grandparents. > > > > No aunts. > > > > No uncles, cousins, first, second, or third. > > > > This has been partly because of geography. Many of them are in another country. > > > > It's also been because of nada, b/c she has always had issues with them that she chooses to make excuses about, saying it's because they live on another continent that she's not close to her siblings and that she hasn't seen her mother in over 20 years (lucky her). But when we were little she would censor my phone conversations with the relatives ... " be sure you don't mention this, this, this, and ESPECIALLY that. And make sure you tell them this and the other. " Or she herself feels unsafe with the ones that live mere blocks from us. She feels like they don't love her or she just assumes they don't like her, etc. I can see her point sometimes. They're just not likeable people. > > > > > > And, lastly, it has been my choice. When we flew to where they live and I finally met them almost 30 years ago, I realized even as a teen, how strange they were and how unsafe I felt with them. They'd just met me and although they were affectionate and happy to see me and my brother, they right away began criticizing us, calling me fat and my brother rude and asking us for money. I knew as time went on, that I wouldn't and didn't want anything to do with them. > > > > Even when they have reached out to me, out of fear of being judged and of having my comments relayed back to my mother, I have ignored their calls and just not called them back. Because in the past that's what's happened over and over. They criticize. Or they " suggest " what I should do, relentlessly. I don't want a relationship with them. That's my choice. > > > > But it sucks, and it hurts. That I don't have an extended family to share with my kids. I think that's what makes me most sad of all. Trying to explain the craziness to them. > > > > I know how incredibly, incredibly blessed I am to have my husband. He is a jewel, he really is. He's so understanding and giving. And my kids are brilliant. I love being with them. > > > > I don't know how to put into words, though, the grief I feel. I think it's something that I knew all along and it just hurt so much to have to accept today that I don't have that. > > > > And T wasn't saying it to hurt me. I think she was saying it to help me see the pattern in my life of protecting myself from my family--of being judged, scrutinized, controlled, and made fun of by people who supposedly love me--and how it has affected my desire to make and have friends. > > > > She was encouraging me, and I have to agree with her, in how far I have come. How much more open I am to other people, and to experiencing joy in relationships, instead of constantly anticipating the worst. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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