Guest guest Posted March 15, 2012 Report Share Posted March 15, 2012 The worst thing my PD Mother has done and still does is be jealous of me in every way. Jealous of my successes because they detract from her.... Jealous of my failures because they detract from her.... It hurts me so still that I can do no right... If I am good, it somehow becomes that it was bad. If I am even a little bit bad, I am evil... There is no pleasing her... I am done. Re: Re: One instance of her craziness How sad she did that to you. These monsters are really insane. On Thu, Mar 15, 2012 at 4:22 PM, nicolegawlik@... < nicolegawlik@...> wrote: > ** > > > I will never forget when I was in 3rd grade my Mom tucked me in one > night and told me that she was done being my mother. My little sister > needed her more now. I laid awake all night saying over and over to > myself ...... " I have ME, thats all I need now. Its Ok, I have ME. > Just me and me and me and me and that is all I need. " > Its crazy to now FINALLY know why she was like this. I wish I knew > this 34 years ago. > > > > > > > > When I was about 22, my mother got me in private and said she had > > > a > request. > > > I knew from experience that this request would be strange. > > > > > > > > > She asked me that since she didn't grow up with a real father, she > wanted to use my dad (her husband) as her father...meaning that she > was taking him from me for herself. She told me that she needed him as > a daddy more than I did. > > > > > > > > > I, not totally surprised, said OK to her request. What else could > > > I > have said. She was right, she did need him more. He had abandoned me > emotionally already and was full time there for her and her childish ways. > > > > > > > > > This happened at the same time she was systematically harrassing > > > my > boyfriend until he could no longer take the stress. At the same time, > she forbid my brother's girlfriend from ever entering our home...until > he wised up and left (and married her). He moved out immediately for good. > > > > > > > > > I believe that since she felt the void of not having a real > > > dad...she > had to take away the men in my life as well. > > > > > > > > > I wish I knew all this stuff back then. > > > > > > > > > Amy > > > > > > > > > barrycove@ > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 16, 2012 Report Share Posted March 16, 2012 Hi , I am so sorry that you had to these kinds of experiences and didn't have a real mother. You were robbed of the childhood that you deserved. It should have been all about you, not your PD mother. I hope you find the connection, peace and love that you deserve as an adult. HC > > > > > > > > When I was about 22, my mother got me in private and said she had > > > > a > > request. > > > > I knew from experience that this request would be strange. > > > > > > > > > > > > She asked me that since she didn't grow up with a real father, she > > wanted to use my dad (her husband) as her father...meaning that she > > was taking him from me for herself. She told me that she needed him as > > a daddy more than I did. > > > > > > > > > > > > I, not totally surprised, said OK to her request. What else could > > > > I > > have said. She was right, she did need him more. He had abandoned me > > emotionally already and was full time there for her and her childish ways. > > > > > > > > > > > > This happened at the same time she was systematically harrassing > > > > my > > boyfriend until he could no longer take the stress. At the same time, > > she forbid my brother's girlfriend from ever entering our home...until > > he wised up and left (and married her). He moved out immediately for good. > > > > > > > > > > > > I believe that since she felt the void of not having a real > > > > dad...she > > had to take away the men in my life as well. > > > > > > > > > > > > I wish I knew all this stuff back then. > > > > > > > > > > > > Amy > > > > > > > > > > > > barrycove@ > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 16, 2012 Report Share Posted March 16, 2012 Hmm... Maybe we share the same mom and don't realize it?!!! Tortured me my entire life. ________________________________ From: WTOAdultChildren1 <WTOAdultChildren1 > To: WTOAdultChildren1 <WTOAdultChildren1 > Sent: Fri Mar 16 00:49:57 2012 Subject: the worst done to me.. The worst thing my PD Mother has done and still does is be jealous of me in every way. Jealous of my successes because they detract from her.... Jealous of my failures because they detract from her.... It hurts me so still that I can do no right... If I am good, it somehow becomes that it was bad. If I am even a little bit bad, I am evil... There is no pleasing her... I am done. Re: Re: One instance of her craziness How sad she did that to you. These monsters are really insane. On Thu, Mar 15, 2012 at 4:22 PM, nicolegawlik@... <mailto:nicolegawlik%40rocketmail.com> < nicolegawlik@... <mailto:nicolegawlik%40rocketmail.com> > wrote: > ** > > > I will never forget when I was in 3rd grade my Mom tucked me in one > night and told me that she was done being my mother. My little sister > needed her more now. I laid awake all night saying over and over to > myself ...... " I have ME, thats all I need now. Its Ok, I have ME. > Just me and me and me and me and that is all I need. " > Its crazy to now FINALLY know why she was like this. I wish I knew > this 34 years ago. > > > > > > > > When I was about 22, my mother got me in private and said she had > > > a > request. > > > I knew from experience that this request would be strange. > > > > > > > > > She asked me that since she didn't grow up with a real father, she > wanted to use my dad (her husband) as her father...meaning that she > was taking him from me for herself. She told me that she needed him as > a daddy more than I did. > > > > > > > > > I, not totally surprised, said OK to her request. What else could > > > I > have said. She was right, she did need him more. He had abandoned me > emotionally already and was full time there for her and her childish ways. > > > > > > > > > This happened at the same time she was systematically harrassing > > > my > boyfriend until he could no longer take the stress. At the same time, > she forbid my brother's girlfriend from ever entering our home...until > he wised up and left (and married her). He moved out immediately for good. > > > > > > > > > I believe that since she felt the void of not having a real > > > dad...she > had to take away the men in my life as well. > > > > > > > > > I wish I knew all this stuff back then. > > > > > > > > > Amy > > > > > > > > > barrycove@ > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 16, 2012 Report Share Posted March 16, 2012 I think the gas lighting was the worst thing for me. my entire existence is a matter of debate to my nada. she gaslights me without me even telling her things. I feel psychologically tortured every time I talk to her. she also puts me in my place all the time by citing why she knows more than I do about whatever we are talking about. I feel like I need a resume just to have an opinion now. I hate the jealousy too. HATE IT!!!! my nada makes us all feel so guilty about having/doing things she does not. or she makes it sound like a raw deal instead of something to be happy about. being loathed for your flaws by your own mom hurts very deeply. hope you are feeling worthwhile today. now that we are adults we can define goodness for ourselves. I find that hugely empowering. Meikjn > > > > > > > > When I was about 22, my mother got me in private and said she had > > > > a > > request. > > > > I knew from experience that this request would be strange. > > > > > > > > > > > > She asked me that since she didn't grow up with a real father, she > > wanted to use my dad (her husband) as her father...meaning that she > > was taking him from me for herself. She told me that she needed him as > > a daddy more than I did. > > > > > > > > > > > > I, not totally surprised, said OK to her request. What else could > > > > I > > have said. She was right, she did need him more. He had abandoned me > > emotionally already and was full time there for her and her childish ways. > > > > > > > > > > > > This happened at the same time she was systematically harrassing > > > > my > > boyfriend until he could no longer take the stress. At the same time, > > she forbid my brother's girlfriend from ever entering our home...until > > he wised up and left (and married her). He moved out immediately for good. > > > > > > > > > > > > I believe that since she felt the void of not having a real > > > > dad...she > > had to take away the men in my life as well. > > > > > > > > > > > > I wish I knew all this stuff back then. > > > > > > > > > > > > Amy > > > > > > > > > > > > barrycove@ > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 16, 2012 Report Share Posted March 16, 2012 Meikjn, I'm with you on the gaslighting. Even now, with NC, I keep questioning, " am I just imagining things? " That's the part I HATE the most. And YES about the resume for opinions. Every time I made a decision, fada would question me to no end. Which, I guess some parents do want to make sure their kids make the right decisions, but the way he did it made me feel like I was stupid and incompetent, and often ended with me changing my mind because it wasn't what HE thought was right. It was under the guise of parental concern, but it often turned into a monologue on part of my fada, and usually ended with me crying. It's so stupid. The one I remember most is when I decided to switch majors from english to history, just so I can graduate in 4 years and go on to get the masters I'd been planning for for 8 years. The undergrad thing didn't matter a fig. I just needed a BA of some sort. But he made me doubt myself--I ended up crying, but at the time, I was friends with a guy who would become my husband, and was on Facebook. My husband said that it made complete sense, and my friends were all for my decision. So I went ahead and switched to history, and that was that. I felt so much better. > ** > > > I think the gas lighting was the worst thing for me. my entire existence > is a matter of debate to my nada. she gaslights me without me even telling > her things. > > I feel psychologically tortured every time I talk to her. > > she also puts me in my place all the time by citing why she knows more > than I do about whatever we are talking about. > > I feel like I need a resume just to have an opinion now. > > I hate the jealousy too. HATE IT!!!! my nada makes us all feel so guilty > about having/doing things she does not. or she makes it sound like a raw > deal instead of something to be happy about. > > being loathed for your flaws by your own mom hurts very deeply. > > hope you are feeling worthwhile today. now that we are adults we can > define goodness for ourselves. I find that hugely empowering. > > Meikjn > > > > > > > > > > > > When I was about 22, my mother got me in private and said she had > > > > > a > > > request. > > > > > I knew from experience that this request would be strange. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > She asked me that since she didn't grow up with a real father, she > > > wanted to use my dad (her husband) as her father...meaning that she > > > was taking him from me for herself. She told me that she needed him as > > > a daddy more than I did. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I, not totally surprised, said OK to her request. What else could > > > > > I > > > have said. She was right, she did need him more. He had abandoned me > > > emotionally already and was full time there for her and her childish > ways. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > This happened at the same time she was systematically harrassing > > > > > my > > > boyfriend until he could no longer take the stress. At the same time, > > > she forbid my brother's girlfriend from ever entering our home...until > > > he wised up and left (and married her). He moved out immediately for > good. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I believe that since she felt the void of not having a real > > > > > dad...she > > > had to take away the men in my life as well. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I wish I knew all this stuff back then. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Amy > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > barrycove@ > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 16, 2012 Report Share Posted March 16, 2012 I'm glad (maybe not the best word choice) to read that I am not the only one who struggles with " am I imagining things? " I am LC with my nada and am the only one in my family that has stood up to her in this way. As a result, I have become LC with all of my siblings. I think its the lack of contact with the entire contact with everyone except my father (who hates my nada but is still married to her) that makes me feel like I might be wrong. And the jealousy...I've really been dealing with that this year. There are two reasons why I have become the " all bad " child to my nada- 1) I have developed a close relationship with my father- something she made sure none of us had growing up. ( " Your father is evil, he's not here for you, he treats me so badly, his family doesn't except me, blah blah blah " ) and 2) I got engaged (I can't even explain to you what it felt like to have my mother see my engagement ring and immediately get in a bad mood and start bitching about how she never got a diamond...oh yeah, and she is refusing to come to the wedding...good times). She has also been blaming me for coming between her and my dad... " We are headed for a divorce thanks to you. " AHHHHHH....it all makes me feel like I need to take a shower and scrub my skin raw. Is that wierd? Does anyone have any suggestions on how not to fall for the gaslighting? I literally feel crazy sometimes because I dont know what is up. > > > > > > > > > > > > When I was about 22, my mother got me in private and said she had > > > > > > a > > > > request. > > > > > > I knew from experience that this request would be strange. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > She asked me that since she didn't grow up with a real father, she > > > > wanted to use my dad (her husband) as her father...meaning that she > > > > was taking him from me for herself. She told me that she needed him as > > > > a daddy more than I did. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I, not totally surprised, said OK to her request. What else could > > > > > > I > > > > have said. She was right, she did need him more. He had abandoned me > > > > emotionally already and was full time there for her and her childish > > ways. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > This happened at the same time she was systematically harrassing > > > > > > my > > > > boyfriend until he could no longer take the stress. At the same time, > > > > she forbid my brother's girlfriend from ever entering our home...until > > > > he wised up and left (and married her). He moved out immediately for > > good. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I believe that since she felt the void of not having a real > > > > > > dad...she > > > > had to take away the men in my life as well. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I wish I knew all this stuff back then. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Amy > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > barrycove@ > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 16, 2012 Report Share Posted March 16, 2012 One suggestion I may offer, and I have used this recently, is to set boundaries for conversation topics. My wife's mother is BPD and targets me quite often as I try to protect my wife and daughters from her tirades. I simply told her that certain topics were not up for conversation. I loved her and there should never be any question in that regard. I also told her that if she brought these topics up I would simply leave or end the conversation. The amount of mental and emotional energy expended when you are drug into these situation do not warrant your time. Recently I asked my wife, while making the case for NC with her mom, " How many other enlightening conversations on love, literature, or our kids do you think we could have had over the last 11 years of marriage if we didn't have to spend so much time talking about your mom and her issues? " That resounded with her. We have made it a goal to try to talk more often about things that move us forward as a couple and a family. As my grandma used to say, " You can't wrestle with a pig and not get dirty. " Allowing yourself to get drawn into the discussions and rants will only hurt you. Best wishes. JW > ** > > > I'm glad (maybe not the best word choice) to read that I am not the only > one who struggles with " am I imagining things? " I am LC with my nada and am > the only one in my family that has stood up to her in this way. As a > result, I have become LC with all of my siblings. I think its the lack of > contact with the entire contact with everyone except my father (who hates > my nada but is still married to her) that makes me feel like I might be > wrong. And the jealousy...I've really been dealing with that this year. > There are two reasons why I have become the " all bad " child to my nada- 1) > I have developed a close relationship with my father- something she made > sure none of us had growing up. ( " Your father is evil, he's not here for > you, he treats me so badly, his family doesn't except me, blah blah blah " ) > and 2) I got engaged (I can't even explain to you what it felt like to have > my mother see my engagement ring and immediately get in a bad mood and > start bitching about how she never got a diamond...oh yeah, and she is > refusing to come to the wedding...good times). She has also been blaming me > for coming between her and my dad... " We are headed for a divorce thanks to > you. " AHHHHHH....it all makes me feel like I need to take a shower and > scrub my skin raw. Is that wierd? > > Does anyone have any suggestions on how not to fall for the gaslighting? I > literally feel crazy sometimes because I dont know what is up. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > When I was about 22, my mother got me in private and said she > had > > > > > > > a > > > > > request. > > > > > > > I knew from experience that this request would be strange. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > She asked me that since she didn't grow up with a real father, > she > > > > > wanted to use my dad (her husband) as her father...meaning that she > > > > > was taking him from me for herself. She told me that she needed > him as > > > > > a daddy more than I did. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I, not totally surprised, said OK to her request. What else > could > > > > > > > I > > > > > have said. She was right, she did need him more. He had abandoned > me > > > > > emotionally already and was full time there for her and her > childish > > > ways. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > This happened at the same time she was systematically > harrassing > > > > > > > my > > > > > boyfriend until he could no longer take the stress. At the same > time, > > > > > she forbid my brother's girlfriend from ever entering our > home...until > > > > > he wised up and left (and married her). He moved out immediately > for > > > good. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I believe that since she felt the void of not having a real > > > > > > > dad...she > > > > > had to take away the men in my life as well. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I wish I knew all this stuff back then. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Amy > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > barrycove@ > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 16, 2012 Report Share Posted March 16, 2012 I think the single worst thing nada did was frittering away the money that should have paid for me to go to college by the time I was 18. I already grew up brainwashed: " This is my daughter, she's gifted and she makes good grades and she's going to grow up to be a (blank). " By the time I realized I might not be completely happy as a (blank) it was time to apply to the school, and there were two problems. One, I was too afraid of the shaming by everybody in the family who would be disappointed if I didn't follow through. And two, I had NO, absolutely NO, absolutely ZERO, idea of what I should do instead. What did I like to do? What would be fun to do? What would I roll out of bed every morning and be thrilled to go to work and do? I didn't know. So I enrolled in the school, barely made it out alive, and my career has been a disaster. I never should have done this in the first place. But, if the money had been there to pay for it, I could change careers right now. Now, I can't, because the salary I make is the only way I can pay my student loans. If I were better at my job, maybe I could make a comfortable living, but since I'm not, I can just barely make ends meet. There's nothing for health insurance and nothing at all for the future. Nada wasn't strong enough to say no when my father died in a plane crash and family members came forward with their hands out after we sued the plane company. Well...she did put aside $10,000. And then, after she blew all the rest of the money, she wanted it back from me to pay bills with! And I gave it to her, because " at least she would know that I loved her. " I guess you know how that turned out. I don't know, I guess she thought the lump sum I was supposed to get when I was 30 would fix everything. But by the time I turned 30, I had had back problems and two car accidents, and had so much trouble making ends meet that $12,000 went toward credit card debt. I tried investing the rest to try to build it back up so I could pay the student loans and have a nest egg, and it almost got there, but then you know what happened. The stock market crashed and that was it. Basically, I have no future. I'm stuck in a career I don't like and don't want to do, and I am so unsuited for it that I feel awful about myself all the time. Most days I wish I could just go ahead and go homeless and just get it over with...since that is where this is heading anyway. BPD parents CANNOT look out for their kids. --. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 16, 2012 Report Share Posted March 16, 2012 ((((!)))) I am sorry for your situation. I have been there too. There was no mentoring from Nada what so ever about anything in life and I have struggled with BLANK too. What is it that you would want to do if you could? You do have a degree so many doors are open to you. I am good at this. reply with what you would like to try and maybe I can help. I am the queen of reinventing myself and am sure will have some ideas for you. From: WTOAdultChildren1 [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Roganda Sent: Friday, March 16, 2012 7:12 PM To: WTOAdultChildren1 Subject: Re: the worst done to me.. I think the single worst thing nada did was frittering away the money that should have paid for me to go to college by the time I was 18. I already grew up brainwashed: " This is my daughter, she's gifted and she makes good grades and she's going to grow up to be a (blank). " By the time I realized I might not be completely happy as a (blank) it was time to apply to the school, and there were two problems. One, I was too afraid of the shaming by everybody in the family who would be disappointed if I didn't follow through. And two, I had NO, absolutely NO, absolutely ZERO, idea of what I should do instead. What did I like to do? What would be fun to do? What would I roll out of bed every morning and be thrilled to go to work and do? I didn't know. So I enrolled in the school, barely made it out alive, and my career has been a disaster. I never should have done this in the first place. But, if the money had been there to pay for it, I could change careers right now. Now, I can't, because the salary I make is the only way I can pay my student loans. If I were better at my job, maybe I could make a comfortable living, but since I'm not, I can just barely make ends meet. There's nothing for health insurance and nothing at all for the future. Nada wasn't strong enough to say no when my father died in a plane crash and family members came forward with their hands out after we sued the plane company. Well...she did put aside $10,000. And then, after she blew all the rest of the money, she wanted it back from me to pay bills with! And I gave it to her, because " at least she would know that I loved her. " I guess you know how that turned out. I don't know, I guess she thought the lump sum I was supposed to get when I was 30 would fix everything. But by the time I turned 30, I had had back problems and two car accidents, and had so much trouble making ends meet that $12,000 went toward credit card debt. I tried investing the rest to try to build it back up so I could pay the student loans and have a nest egg, and it almost got there, but then you know what happened. The stock market crashed and that was it. Basically, I have no future. I'm stuck in a career I don't like and don't want to do, and I am so unsuited for it that I feel awful about myself all the time. Most days I wish I could just go ahead and go homeless and just get it over with...since that is where this is heading anyway. BPD parents CANNOT look out for their kids. --. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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