New here - Father uBPD - what next?

[Guest guest]

Hey everyone! So glad to have found you.

I have been attending NAMI family support groups in the hopes of coping with the

volatile relationship and other familial problems my father's mental illness has

caused. A few weeks ago a guest speaker introduced BPD to me and I instantly

knew my dad had BPD. So great... what do I do now?

- Educate myself

- Try to educate my little brother (who is " done with dad " )

- Attempt to repair the extended family relationships that my dad has tarnished

(write an open letter to our family explaining what I think is wrong with him,

what we can do to help, and can I be incorporated back in??)

While educating myself is great and very helpful, it doesn't help move on from

the damage already caused. How have you repaired your family, were you able to,

and what worked?

Dani

[Guest guest]

Hi Dani,

I have a dad with uBPD, probably comorbid with NPD. Sorry you have to be

here, but I'm glad all the same. A lot of us have mothers with BPD (nadas =

not a mother), and there are a few with fadas (not a father).

I haven't done any NAMI family support groups, mostly because fada refused

to seek out treatment or anything for his mental illnesses. It wasn't until

I was in high school that he was officially diagnosed with depression, and

he wouldn't take meds for years until I think he finally decided to. And

even then, I knew it wasn't all that was wrong. It wasn't until I shelved a

book at my local public library where I worked that I found " The Essential

Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder. " After years of reading

self-help books for myself, to try to figure out what was wrong with me,

and none of the books " clicking, " I started reading books about what mental

illness my fada had...and none of them clicked. Not until I read Randi's

books. It was like a lightbulb.

I could fill a book with all the stories, but essentially, I've personally

found that I can't " repair " my family, nor my relationship with fada. I

tried to create boundaries to protect myself, but fada didn't like it at

all. And my mom, in the interest of " keeping the peace " tried to convince

me to get rid of those boundaries, but I didn't want to. I didn't want fada

to hurt me again.

It ended with fada disowning me shortly after I got engaged, and after a

few months of me trying to maintain boundaries, fada decided to go NC, and

I maintained it. Sadly, this meant that fada and my mom said I could no

longer send gifts or cards to my little siblings living at home (ages

8-14)--so the stupid BPD/NPD has torn our family apart completely. It's

been 3 years since NC, and I've been slowly able to build my own psyche

back up with the help of amazing friends and a great husband. Counseling,

medication for my own mental illnesses (depression, PTSD relating to fada's

psychological abuse, and anxiety), and writing has all helped me

tremendously.

I guess this is just my back story, so you can understand where I'm coming

from.

As for what you can do, I highly recommend reading " Stop Walking on

Eggshells " or the " Essential Family Guide. " Other people have also read and

made great use of " Understanding the Borderline Mother " by Lawson, as it

describes the four " types " of BPD, and it's applicable to fathers, as well.

You can lend the books to your little brother as well, if he's interested

in understanding how to protect himself from your father.

They are great for helping you establish boundaries and be able to protect

yourself. Because first and foremost, you owe it to yourself to protect

yourself from further damage by your father. If your library doesn't carry

the books, some universities might and you might be able to get permission

to use the book in the university library. Otherwise, there's interlibrary

loan where you can borrow it from another library through your local

branch. Or you can buy the books if you've got the money. Understanding the

Borderline Mother is expensive, but most of Randi Kreger's books are

relatively affordable.

To try to repair yourself, counseling might help. People have had mixed

experiences. Some find a fantastic therapist, others have tried many and

none of them worked. So, if you want to talk through some of this stuff

with a counselor, that might help.

Secondly, letter-writing might not work. It's just something I've tried

myself, and something I've observed from being on this group--letters tend

to get twisted around by the person with BPD and used to attack the

letter-writer. In one of my emails to fada and my mom, I tried to explain

and lay it all out so we can talk about it, but he ended up using it to

hurt me again--just like when I was growing up. And when I created

boundaries, fada and my mom (who is enmeshed) decided to stop emailing me

until I take away the boundaries (aka, no guilt-tripping, no gaslighting,

etc). I refuse to lower any of my boundaries since I need to protect

myself. So, that means NC. (no communication).

Thirdly, I hate to say it. Reconciliation may or may not happen. That's the

nature of BPD, sadly. I do highly recommend having boundaries. It didn't

work with my fada, but some people have been able to maintain contact with

their nada/fada with boundaries.

I'm sorry if my thoughts are kind of disjointed (my brain is done working

for the day, ha) but I know others will get on here and be able to share

their two cents worth, as well.

((hugs)) to you and your little brother. And welcome.

Holly

> **

>

>

> Hey everyone! So glad to have found you.

>

> I have been attending NAMI family support groups in the hopes of coping

> with the volatile relationship and other familial problems my father's

> mental illness has caused. A few weeks ago a guest speaker introduced BPD

> to me and I instantly knew my dad had BPD. So great... what do I do now?

>

> - Educate myself

> - Try to educate my little brother (who is " done with dad " )

> - Attempt to repair the extended family relationships that my dad has

> tarnished (write an open letter to our family explaining what I think is

> wrong with him, what we can do to help, and can I be incorporated back in??)

>

> While educating myself is great and very helpful, it doesn't help move on

> from the damage already caused. How have you repaired your family, were you

> able to, and what worked?

>

> Dani

>

>

>