Need some advice, please. :(

[Guest guest]

Ugh, long story short:

I was talking to my therapist Wed. about my very close friend who has AML

(leukemia) and is likely going to die

soon. She brought up a very valid, very scary point that I never thought of.

Nada is probably going to prey on me at the funeral (if there is one, please

let's hope there is not). I didn't think about this until

she brought it up. Nada reads the obits every day, and is probably waiting for

her chance to jump on me when I'm emotionally vulnerable.

No doubt she will try the whole 'see why family is so important' junk.

My husband said he already thought it through and will take care of it, but what

can I do to prepare myself when I will be in such a fragile

state??

[Guest guest]

Teri - First, I am so sorry to hear that your friend is going through this, and

that you are having to deal with this impending loss. That in itself is a lot

to contend with.

Being afraid of a Nada assault on top of it is such an extra burden. I won't

discount your fear, because my mother would do exactly the same thing, given the

opportunity.

So, assuming you do want to attend the funeral, and that there's no way to keep

Nada out, I would suggest that you deal with her the same way you would at a

wedding, baptism, family reunion, or any other gathering where where she is

" allowed " to show up and you expect her to use the opportunity to attack:

Go with support - spouse, friends, the funeral director, pastor, anybody who can

be counted on to watch your back so you can participate in the ceremony and feel

what you need to feel without having to fend off your crazy mother. Fill these

people in on the situation so they can be your allies. Do not try to recruit

anyone who might waffle or be a " flying monkey. " Be sure of your backup.

Do not let your car get blocked in, and be sure YOU have the car keys in case

you need to leave. That means you can't depend on valet parking or get trapped

in a funeral procession, or let your spouse drive. And for God's sake, don't

agree to let Nada ride with you.

If you have kids, get a sitter that day, so Nada can't use your children to get

to you.

If Nada tries to sit with you, move. It doesn't matter whether the service is

in process - move. Down the pew, across the aisle, out the door if necessary.

She will sit there and conduct a whisper campaign while you're trying to listen

to the eulogy. You know she will.

Do not agree in advance to ANY post-ceremony activities (going back to the house

for a buffet - that's common where I live). Go if you feel like it and it's

safe, but again, make sure your escape route is clear.

If you want to participate in doing something to support your friend's family,

then do something in the days and weeks after the funeral. Don't get signed up

to be stuck at the ceremony where Nada can get to you. If you have to, let your

friend, her family, and any other participants know in advance that you want to

be of service, but you have to plan around your mentally ill mother,and you

don't want her appearance to cause a disruption at the ceremony, so you'll be

making yourself scarce if necessary. That turns " Why did Teri run off during

the funeral? " into " Bless Teri's heart, she wanted to preserve the dignity of

the occasion, so she removed herself when her abusive, crazy mother showed up. "

>

> Ugh, long story short:

>

> I was talking to my therapist Wed. about my very close friend who has AML

> (leukemia) and is likely going to die

> soon. She brought up a very valid, very scary point that I never thought of.

>

> Nada is probably going to prey on me at the funeral (if there is one, please

> let's hope there is not). I didn't think about this until

> she brought it up. Nada reads the obits every day, and is probably waiting

for

> her chance to jump on me when I'm emotionally vulnerable.

> No doubt she will try the whole 'see why family is so important' junk.

>

> My husband said he already thought it through and will take care of it, but

what

> can I do to prepare myself when I will be in such a fragile

> state??

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'm so sorry your friend is dying; a good friend is like " chosen family. " Its

so unfair and sad when the good, sweet people in this world leave it way too

early.

The fact that you have a loving, strong and compassionate husband who has

offered to be your " bodyguard " during the funeral and literally keep your nada

away from you, is a gift from heaven. Let him know that you literally need him

to block her from speaking with you. He sounds like he will handle the task

with grace and intelligence.

Other strategies: you can choose to go to the viewing if there is one at a time

when your nada is not likely to be there; I think some funeral homes are even

willing to schedule a private viewing.

You can choose to arrive at the memorial service very late, entering after

everyone is seated, and sit in the back, and then leave early. You can choose

to not attend the burial, and instead you can visit your friend's grave

afterward, privately.

You can visit your friend's family and offer your condolences to them at their

home, either before or after the service and burial, to give them comfort and

share their grief and share your love of your friend with them, in privacy.

But it sounds like you have a wonderful ally and protector in your husband; lean

into his strength and let him be your defensive guard during that vulnerable

time. It sounds like he is both willing and able to handle the job very well.

-Annie

>

> Ugh, long story short:

>

> I was talking to my therapist Wed. about my very close friend who has AML

> (leukemia) and is likely going to die

> soon. She brought up a very valid, very scary point that I never thought of.

>

> Nada is probably going to prey on me at the funeral (if there is one, please

> let's hope there is not). I didn't think about this until

> she brought it up. Nada reads the obits every day, and is probably waiting

for

> her chance to jump on me when I'm emotionally vulnerable.

> No doubt she will try the whole 'see why family is so important' junk.

>

> My husband said he already thought it through and will take care of it, but

what

> can I do to prepare myself when I will be in such a fragile

> state??

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Terri,

A helpful suggestion I learned from my own therapist, is to have a plan and

convince yourself to stick to it. My own plan would go like this: If your nada

shows up and tries to talk to you, just say calmly, this is not a good time to

talk. I'll let you know if there is ever a good time to talk. And just keep

repeating that, calmly, no matter WHAT she says or does. If you have this plan

completely in place, and know that you really will follow through with it, your

nada might even sense that in the emotisphere, and not show up.

My condolences regarding your friend.

Charlotte

>

> Ugh, long story short:

>

> I was talking to my therapist Wed. about my very close friend who has AML

> (leukemia) and is likely going to die

> soon. She brought up a very valid, very scary point that I never thought of.

>

> Nada is probably going to prey on me at the funeral (if there is one, please

> let's hope there is not). I didn't think about this until

> she brought it up. Nada reads the obits every day, and is probably waiting

for

> her chance to jump on me when I'm emotionally vulnerable.

> No doubt she will try the whole 'see why family is so important' junk.

>

> My husband said he already thought it through and will take care of it, but

what

> can I do to prepare myself when I will be in such a fragile

> state??

>

>