Hoping to meet people who understand...

[Guest guest]

Hello,

I don't really know where to start but I have been wondering for a while if my

mother has BPD, and trying to find ways to cope with it.

My mother was always difficult when we were children. Unhappy, annoyed, and

flustered, but I always assumed it was the natural stress of raising 4 children.

In fact, until recently, I believed that all mothers disliked being mothers, so

even though we walked on eggshells with her, I didn't think much about it.

As I grew up, her behavior got worse. She has chronic back issues, and one

summer when I was in college she had a particularly bad bout, and laid on the

couch depressed for the entire summer, while I drove my siblings to their summer

camps. When I graduated from law school, she began criticizing me relentlessly

about not being able to find a job--as if I didn't feel like a failure already.

But it wasn't until a few years ago that her behavior got scary. The first

episode was in a restuarant with my brother and sister and my mom, who had all

come to visit me for the weekend. I don't remember what provoked her (as I'm

sure many of you can relate, it was something minor) but the next thing we knew

she was crying uncontrollably and intensely angry. We managed to get her out of

the restaurant, where she continued to wail on the street that she tried so hard

and none of us liked her, and while insisting we go to the play we had tickets

for after dinner without her, took out handfuls of money and threw them at us.

By pleading and apologizing ( " please it won't be fun without you, we love you,

we are so sorry " )she agreed to come, but sniffed and whimpered the entire walk

there. By intermission she was ok. The next day I called my father, who has

always been the reasonable parent, upset and confused. He must have reported to

my mom that I called him because she called me at work bewildered. " You told

daddy that you were upset?? What's wrong? " Complete denial.

Each episode since then has gotten worse and at this point they all seem to

involve alcohol. My mom is on some sort of anti depressant, which we believe

exacerbates the effect of alcohol, but lately has been drinking more than ever.

Growing up she was hardly a drinker at all and I am sure it is becoming a self

medication.

During one rage she called my brother on the night before his wedding telling

him that my father was going to kill himself. We came to find out the next day

that my mother had woken my sleeping father up by banging on the door screaming

at him, telling him that he wasn't being supportive enough of my brother's

marriage. None of this was true. My father is emotionally stable, and was

being very supportive. My father (who had previously told her that when she

gets like this he has no choice but to leave the house until she calms down)

left the house and my brother was tasked with staying up with her all night

while she sobbed...the night before his wedding.

Then came my turn when I was engaged. It all started with a phone conversation

about the wedding. Looking back, I should have gotten off the phone as soon as

I heard her because it seemed like she was too happy, maybe drunk. The mania

peaked and slowly turned into suspicion (What do I mean my husband's family

would be staying with us for the wedding? Who are these people??) and when I

tried to explain it escalated to the point of her hanging up on me twice and

screaming and crying that I don't love her, that my wedding was horrible and

that she doesn't want any part of it. Even though I have been dealing with her

accusations that we don't love her for years, I am sure I don't have to explain

to fellow children of BPD parents how much this hurt. She also kept saying

through sobs " I'm so confused. " In a way I think she really was thoroughly

confused. I was up shaking and crying all night, and called in sick the next

day. I got a one line e-mail the next day saying " sorry if I said anything that

upset you. " The timing was not great, since we had plans to go to my parents

for Thanksgiving that weekend. I hadn't spoken to her since her episode, but by

the time I got there she was acting happy and normal.

Just like you all, I could go on for hours.

I have been dealing all my life with a mother who I can never make happy. No

matter how often I call her she always acts surprised to hear from me, saying

" you NEVER call! " I have the special circumstance of somehow being the golden

child in her eyes. She does not hide to the rest of my family that she places

me on a pedestel, and tells me everytime I speak with her how much she misses me

and how hard it is that I moved so far away (I live a 5 hour car ride away). I

think because of this status as favorite I feel a special responsibility for her

happiness. She pities herself relentlessly, saying that no one in our family

loves her. When you ask her how she is, she says " OK. " As a child, and now as

an adult my mood is completely dictated by hers, and if I have an interaction

with her where she is normal, funny and happy, I feel elated. If a few days

pass and I don't speak with her, I start to come down, and eventually when I see

her name on my caller ID I have a knot in my stomach again.

I'm not sure if I'm in the right place but I joined this list because I am 29

years old and so happy in my new life with my husband, but my emotional issues

with my mother weigh so heavy on me that I can't fully enjoy my life. I never

know what to say to her or how to answer her questions because I don't know how

she will intepret what I'm saying. I stay completely neutral and hide my true

self, agreeing with whatever she says, even when her opinions change (as they

often do). My friends and my husband, who don't really understand, say things

like " you have to talk to her about these issues " but I hope some people on here

can understand that that is just not an option. I feel so lucky if I can get

through a weekend without offending her. Sharing true feelings are a daydream

for someone else's life.

I have given up my whining about wishing I had a mom like other girls. I can

accept that she isn't the mom who wants to shop for my wedding dress with me or

that I can share intimate details with. But my guilt, anxiety and fear for

whatever is coming next consumes me, and I am trying to figure out a way to

cope. If my mother can get better one day, I will cry tears of joy. But right

now I have to accept that I can only change the way I let her actions affect me.

I guess I'm here with the hope that maybe someone else who is further along on

their journey of acceptance has some wisdom they can share.

Thanks

[Guest guest]

" I am 29 years old and so happy in my new life with my husband, but my emotional

issues with my mother weigh so heavy on me that I can't fully enjoy my life "

Nap, first of all, welcome to the group.

Reading your post reminds me of my life! Especially what I quoted above from

your post. My mother's shadow has been over me all of my life, in one form or

another. Until recently, and I'm 43 now, I have just sustained the 5-8x a day

phone calls (each varying in length from 20 to 60 min), the neediness, the need

to know all about my life, what I'm doing, what my kids are doing, why my

husband doesn't get another job, and on the other hand, telling me everything

about her life and her marriage that I didn't want to know from age 8 up. (not

sexual stuff, just everything else that I had no business knowing as a child).

I'm still trying to set boundaries and it's hard to get her to see that I need

space.

I'm really glad you are getting insight now at the start of your marriage. I

wish I had, truly. I feel like I wasted so many years and allowed her " in " to my

marriage, so to speak too much. My husband has been so good through all of it.

I don't know if you're in therapy, but that would be great for you. I really

can't emphasize how much it's changed my life. Also, a good book to read is

Boundaries, by Cloud/Townsend, and The Mom Factor by the same authors. And

Walking on Eggshells.

Best wishes, nap.

Fiona

>

> Hello,

>

> I don't really know where to start but I have been wondering for a while if my

mother has BPD, and trying to find ways to cope with it.

>

> My mother was always difficult when we were children. Unhappy, annoyed, and

flustered, but I always assumed it was the natural stress of raising 4 children.

In fact, until recently, I believed that all mothers disliked being mothers, so

even though we walked on eggshells with her, I didn't think much about it.

>

> As I grew up, her behavior got worse. She has chronic back issues, and one

summer when I was in college she had a particularly bad bout, and laid on the

couch depressed for the entire summer, while I drove my siblings to their summer

camps. When I graduated from law school, she began criticizing me relentlessly

about not being able to find a job--as if I didn't feel like a failure already.

>

> But it wasn't until a few years ago that her behavior got scary. The first

episode was in a restuarant with my brother and sister and my mom, who had all

come to visit me for the weekend. I don't remember what provoked her (as I'm

sure many of you can relate, it was something minor) but the next thing we knew

she was crying uncontrollably and intensely angry. We managed to get her out of

the restaurant, where she continued to wail on the street that she tried so hard

and none of us liked her, and while insisting we go to the play we had tickets

for after dinner without her, took out handfuls of money and threw them at us.

By pleading and apologizing ( " please it won't be fun without you, we love you,

we are so sorry " )she agreed to come, but sniffed and whimpered the entire walk

there. By intermission she was ok. The next day I called my father, who has

always been the reasonable parent, upset and confused. He must have reported to

my mom that I called him because she called me at work bewildered. " You told

daddy that you were upset?? What's wrong? " Complete denial.

>

> Each episode since then has gotten worse and at this point they all seem to

involve alcohol. My mom is on some sort of anti depressant, which we believe

exacerbates the effect of alcohol, but lately has been drinking more than ever.

Growing up she was hardly a drinker at all and I am sure it is becoming a self

medication.

>

> During one rage she called my brother on the night before his wedding telling

him that my father was going to kill himself. We came to find out the next day

that my mother had woken my sleeping father up by banging on the door screaming

at him, telling him that he wasn't being supportive enough of my brother's

marriage. None of this was true. My father is emotionally stable, and was

being very supportive. My father (who had previously told her that when she

gets like this he has no choice but to leave the house until she calms down)

left the house and my brother was tasked with staying up with her all night

while she sobbed...the night before his wedding.

>

> Then came my turn when I was engaged. It all started with a phone

conversation about the wedding. Looking back, I should have gotten off the

phone as soon as I heard her because it seemed like she was too happy, maybe

drunk. The mania peaked and slowly turned into suspicion (What do I mean my

husband's family would be staying with us for the wedding? Who are these

people??) and when I tried to explain it escalated to the point of her hanging

up on me twice and screaming and crying that I don't love her, that my wedding

was horrible and that she doesn't want any part of it. Even though I have been

dealing with her accusations that we don't love her for years, I am sure I don't

have to explain to fellow children of BPD parents how much this hurt. She also

kept saying through sobs " I'm so confused. " In a way I think she really was

thoroughly confused. I was up shaking and crying all night, and called in sick

the next day. I got a one line e-mail the next day saying " sorry if I said

anything that upset you. " The timing was not great, since we had plans to go to

my parents for Thanksgiving that weekend. I hadn't spoken to her since her

episode, but by the time I got there she was acting happy and normal.

>

> Just like you all, I could go on for hours.

>

> I have been dealing all my life with a mother who I can never make happy. No

matter how often I call her she always acts surprised to hear from me, saying

" you NEVER call! " I have the special circumstance of somehow being the golden

child in her eyes. She does not hide to the rest of my family that she places

me on a pedestel, and tells me everytime I speak with her how much she misses me

and how hard it is that I moved so far away (I live a 5 hour car ride away). I

think because of this status as favorite I feel a special responsibility for her

happiness. She pities herself relentlessly, saying that no one in our family

loves her. When you ask her how she is, she says " OK. " As a child, and now as

an adult my mood is completely dictated by hers, and if I have an interaction

with her where she is normal, funny and happy, I feel elated. If a few days

pass and I don't speak with her, I start to come down, and eventually when I see

her name on my caller ID I have a knot in my stomach again.

>

> I'm not sure if I'm in the right place but I joined this list because I am 29

years old and so happy in my new life with my husband, but my emotional issues

with my mother weigh so heavy on me that I can't fully enjoy my life. I never

know what to say to her or how to answer her questions because I don't know how

she will intepret what I'm saying. I stay completely neutral and hide my true

self, agreeing with whatever she says, even when her opinions change (as they

often do). My friends and my husband, who don't really understand, say things

like " you have to talk to her about these issues " but I hope some people on here

can understand that that is just not an option. I feel so lucky if I can get

through a weekend without offending her. Sharing true feelings are a daydream

for someone else's life.

>

> I have given up my whining about wishing I had a mom like other girls. I can

accept that she isn't the mom who wants to shop for my wedding dress with me or

that I can share intimate details with. But my guilt, anxiety and fear for

whatever is coming next consumes me, and I am trying to figure out a way to

cope. If my mother can get better one day, I will cry tears of joy. But right

now I have to accept that I can only change the way I let her actions affect me.

I guess I'm here with the hope that maybe someone else who is further along on

their journey of acceptance has some wisdom they can share.

>

> Thanks

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome! Your story is so familiar to me! And it sounds like you have taken

the perfectionistic Hero role in the family.

You can heal your life, figure out where you end and you can stop being her

slave. I suspect you have a hard time setting boundaries with others too, I

did (and do).

My first tip is get a good therapist, second is visit here a lot and 3rd tip

is read a lot, Emotional Blackmail, Safe People, Understanding the BM (ha ha

just kidding Borderline mother) and Stop Walking on Eggshells. I order my

books online used, they get expensive.

Welcome XO Girlscout

> **

>

>

> " I am 29 years old and so happy in my new life with my husband, but my

> emotional issues with my mother weigh so heavy on me that I can't fully

> enjoy my life "

>

> Nap, first of all, welcome to the group.

>

> Reading your post reminds me of my life! Especially what I quoted above

> from your post. My mother's shadow has been over me all of my life, in one

> form or another. Until recently, and I'm 43 now, I have just sustained the

> 5-8x a day phone calls (each varying in length from 20 to 60 min), the

> neediness, the need to know all about my life, what I'm doing, what my kids

> are doing, why my husband doesn't get another job, and on the other hand,

> telling me everything about her life and her marriage that I didn't want to

> know from age 8 up. (not sexual stuff, just everything else that I had no

> business knowing as a child).

>

> I'm still trying to set boundaries and it's hard to get her to see that I

> need space.

>

> I'm really glad you are getting insight now at the start of your marriage.

> I wish I had, truly. I feel like I wasted so many years and allowed her " in "

> to my marriage, so to speak too much. My husband has been so good through

> all of it.

>

> I don't know if you're in therapy, but that would be great for you. I

> really can't emphasize how much it's changed my life. Also, a good book to

> read is Boundaries, by Cloud/Townsend, and The Mom Factor by the same

> authors. And Walking on Eggshells.

>

> Best wishes, nap.

>

> Fiona

>

>

>

> >

> > Hello,

> >

> > I don't really know where to start but I have been wondering for a while

> if my mother has BPD, and trying to find ways to cope with it.

> >

> > My mother was always difficult when we were children. Unhappy, annoyed,

> and flustered, but I always assumed it was the natural stress of raising 4

> children. In fact, until recently, I believed that all mothers disliked

> being mothers, so even though we walked on eggshells with her, I didn't

> think much about it.

> >

> > As I grew up, her behavior got worse. She has chronic back issues, and

> one summer when I was in college she had a particularly bad bout, and laid

> on the couch depressed for the entire summer, while I drove my siblings to

> their summer camps. When I graduated from law school, she began criticizing

> me relentlessly about not being able to find a job--as if I didn't feel like

> a failure already.

> >

> > But it wasn't until a few years ago that her behavior got scary. The

> first episode was in a restuarant with my brother and sister and my mom, who

> had all come to visit me for the weekend. I don't remember what provoked her

> (as I'm sure many of you can relate, it was something minor) but the next

> thing we knew she was crying uncontrollably and intensely angry. We managed

> to get her out of the restaurant, where she continued to wail on the street

> that she tried so hard and none of us liked her, and while insisting we go

> to the play we had tickets for after dinner without her, took out handfuls

> of money and threw them at us. By pleading and apologizing ( " please it won't

> be fun without you, we love you, we are so sorry " )she agreed to come, but

> sniffed and whimpered the entire walk there. By intermission she was ok. The

> next day I called my father, who has always been the reasonable parent,

> upset and confused. He must have reported to my mom that I called him

> because she called me at work bewildered. " You told daddy that you were

> upset?? What's wrong? " Complete denial.

> >

> > Each episode since then has gotten worse and at this point they all seem

> to involve alcohol. My mom is on some sort of anti depressant, which we

> believe exacerbates the effect of alcohol, but lately has been drinking more

> than ever. Growing up she was hardly a drinker at all and I am sure it is

> becoming a self medication.

> >

> > During one rage she called my brother on the night before his wedding

> telling him that my father was going to kill himself. We came to find out

> the next day that my mother had woken my sleeping father up by banging on

> the door screaming at him, telling him that he wasn't being supportive

> enough of my brother's marriage. None of this was true. My father is

> emotionally stable, and was being very supportive. My father (who had

> previously told her that when she gets like this he has no choice but to

> leave the house until she calms down) left the house and my brother was

> tasked with staying up with her all night while she sobbed...the night

> before his wedding.

> >

> > Then came my turn when I was engaged. It all started with a phone

> conversation about the wedding. Looking back, I should have gotten off the

> phone as soon as I heard her because it seemed like she was too happy, maybe

> drunk. The mania peaked and slowly turned into suspicion (What do I mean my

> husband's family would be staying with us for the wedding? Who are these

> people??) and when I tried to explain it escalated to the point of her

> hanging up on me twice and screaming and crying that I don't love her, that

> my wedding was horrible and that she doesn't want any part of it. Even

> though I have been dealing with her accusations that we don't love her for

> years, I am sure I don't have to explain to fellow children of BPD parents

> how much this hurt. She also kept saying through sobs " I'm so confused. " In

> a way I think she really was thoroughly confused. I was up shaking and

> crying all night, and called in sick the next day. I got a one line e-mail

> the next day saying " sorry if I said anything that upset you. " The timing

> was not great, since we had plans to go to my parents for Thanksgiving that

> weekend. I hadn't spoken to her since her episode, but by the time I got

> there she was acting happy and normal.

> >

> > Just like you all, I could go on for hours.

> >

> > I have been dealing all my life with a mother who I can never make happy.

> No matter how often I call her she always acts surprised to hear from me,

> saying " you NEVER call! " I have the special circumstance of somehow being

> the golden child in her eyes. She does not hide to the rest of my family

> that she places me on a pedestel, and tells me everytime I speak with her

> how much she misses me and how hard it is that I moved so far away (I live a

> 5 hour car ride away). I think because of this status as favorite I feel a

> special responsibility for her happiness. She pities herself relentlessly,

> saying that no one in our family loves her. When you ask her how she is, she

> says " OK. " As a child, and now as an adult my mood is completely dictated by

> hers, and if I have an interaction with her where she is normal, funny and

> happy, I feel elated. If a few days pass and I don't speak with her, I start

> to come down, and eventually when I see her name on my caller ID I have a

> knot in my stomach again.

> >

> > I'm not sure if I'm in the right place but I joined this list because I

> am 29 years old and so happy in my new life with my husband, but my

> emotional issues with my mother weigh so heavy on me that I can't fully

> enjoy my life. I never know what to say to her or how to answer her

> questions because I don't know how she will intepret what I'm saying. I stay

> completely neutral and hide my true self, agreeing with whatever she says,

> even when her opinions change (as they often do). My friends and my husband,

> who don't really understand, say things like " you have to talk to her about

> these issues " but I hope some people on here can understand that that is

> just not an option. I feel so lucky if I can get through a weekend without

> offending her. Sharing true feelings are a daydream for someone else's life.

>

> >

> > I have given up my whining about wishing I had a mom like other girls. I

> can accept that she isn't the mom who wants to shop for my wedding dress

> with me or that I can share intimate details with. But my guilt, anxiety and

> fear for whatever is coming next consumes me, and I am trying to figure out

> a way to cope. If my mother can get better one day, I will cry tears of joy.

> But right now I have to accept that I can only change the way I let her

> actions affect me. I guess I'm here with the hope that maybe someone else

> who is further along on their journey of acceptance has some wisdom they can

> share.

> >

> > Thanks

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I am a recovering alcoholic. It sounds to me like your mother does not remember

half of what she does when she is drunk or just drinking, hence the 'did you

tell your father you were upset?' and 'sorry if I said anything to upset you'. I

identified with an awful lot of what you described as her behavior, because it

was my behavior when i was drinking. Especially the sudden descent in to the

crying jags out of nowhere, this is *purely a chemical reaction* in the body

because alcohol is a depressant drug. When she's not drinking, she's in

withdrawal, so she's going to be miserable. Honestly it breaks my heart to read

the description of the emotional pain this is causing you because in blackouts,

I remembered NOTHING of what I did or said. I was a blackout drinker from the

age of 16 forward. You might have vague memories, and the fuzzy knowledge that

you 'acted out' and then when you come to, the next day, everyone is mad at you

and people are not speaking to you, or people are laughing at you, or it gets

very quiet when you walk in the room. I strongly suggest al-anon or acoa (adult

children of alcoholics) where you can meet other people who understand what it

is like to be on the receiving end of such vitriolic behavior. Because it's very

likely that she just does not remember much of what she is saying or doing that

is causing you such pain...that is the tragedy of alcoholism, that the medicated

person is sailing around in outer space on a fluffy cloud of intoxication, in

terms of how they feel, when they are ripping their loved ones to shreds and

destroying people's lives. It's important for you to delineate the alcoholism

from the mental illness so that you don't internalize *any* of what she is doing

from the time she takes the first drink. You have to protect yourself from her,

because it is not a fair fight, she does not have the capacity to form remorse

for her behavior while drinking, because that part of her brain is not engaged.

Dealing with a bpd mother is hard enough, and it is not a surprise she has taken

to self-medicating because I imagine statistically it is probably pretty common

for borderline people to do so (or pick up other behaviors like sex addiction

and eating disorders) since their way of life is so painful. The fact that she

showed bpd symptoms before progressing into alcoholism is enough on your plate;

I hope you keep posting and getting support here and please also get support

from al-anon and/or acoa because they will teach you to disengage and detach

from those behaviors so characteristic of alcoholism so that you can have better

and stronger boundaries emotionally.

>

> Hello,

>

> I don't really know where to start but I have been wondering for a while if my

mother has BPD, and trying to find ways to cope with it.

>

> My mother was always difficult when we were children. Unhappy, annoyed, and

flustered, but I always assumed it was the natural stress of raising 4 children.

In fact, until recently, I believed that all mothers disliked being mothers, so

even though we walked on eggshells with her, I didn't think much about it.

>

> As I grew up, her behavior got worse. She has chronic back issues, and one

summer when I was in college she had a particularly bad bout, and laid on the

couch depressed for the entire summer, while I drove my siblings to their summer

camps. When I graduated from law school, she began criticizing me relentlessly

about not being able to find a job--as if I didn't feel like a failure already.

>

> But it wasn't until a few years ago that her behavior got scary. The first

episode was in a restuarant with my brother and sister and my mom, who had all

come to visit me for the weekend. I don't remember what provoked her (as I'm

sure many of you can relate, it was something minor) but the next thing we knew

she was crying uncontrollably and intensely angry. We managed to get her out of

the restaurant, where she continued to wail on the street that she tried so hard

and none of us liked her, and while insisting we go to the play we had tickets

for after dinner without her, took out handfuls of money and threw them at us.

By pleading and apologizing ( " please it won't be fun without you, we love you,

we are so sorry " )she agreed to come, but sniffed and whimpered the entire walk

there. By intermission she was ok. The next day I called my father, who has

always been the reasonable parent, upset and confused. He must have reported to

my mom that I called him because she called me at work bewildered. " You told

daddy that you were upset?? What's wrong? " Complete denial.

>

> Each episode since then has gotten worse and at this point they all seem to

involve alcohol. My mom is on some sort of anti depressant, which we believe

exacerbates the effect of alcohol, but lately has been drinking more than ever.

Growing up she was hardly a drinker at all and I am sure it is becoming a self

medication.

>

> During one rage she called my brother on the night before his wedding telling

him that my father was going to kill himself. We came to find out the next day

that my mother had woken my sleeping father up by banging on the door screaming

at him, telling him that he wasn't being supportive enough of my brother's

marriage. None of this was true. My father is emotionally stable, and was

being very supportive. My father (who had previously told her that when she

gets like this he has no choice but to leave the house until she calms down)

left the house and my brother was tasked with staying up with her all night

while she sobbed...the night before his wedding.

>

> Then came my turn when I was engaged. It all started with a phone

conversation about the wedding. Looking back, I should have gotten off the

phone as soon as I heard her because it seemed like she was too happy, maybe

drunk. The mania peaked and slowly turned into suspicion (What do I mean my

husband's family would be staying with us for the wedding? Who are these

people??) and when I tried to explain it escalated to the point of her hanging

up on me twice and screaming and crying that I don't love her, that my wedding

was horrible and that she doesn't want any part of it. Even though I have been

dealing with her accusations that we don't love her for years, I am sure I don't

have to explain to fellow children of BPD parents how much this hurt. She also

kept saying through sobs " I'm so confused. " In a way I think she really was

thoroughly confused. I was up shaking and crying all night, and called in sick

the next day. I got a one line e-mail the next day saying " sorry if I said

anything that upset you. " The timing was not great, since we had plans to go to

my parents for Thanksgiving that weekend. I hadn't spoken to her since her

episode, but by the time I got there she was acting happy and normal.

>

> Just like you all, I could go on for hours.

>

> I have been dealing all my life with a mother who I can never make happy. No

matter how often I call her she always acts surprised to hear from me, saying

" you NEVER call! " I have the special circumstance of somehow being the golden

child in her eyes. She does not hide to the rest of my family that she places

me on a pedestel, and tells me everytime I speak with her how much she misses me

and how hard it is that I moved so far away (I live a 5 hour car ride away). I

think because of this status as favorite I feel a special responsibility for her

happiness. She pities herself relentlessly, saying that no one in our family

loves her. When you ask her how she is, she says " OK. " As a child, and now as

an adult my mood is completely dictated by hers, and if I have an interaction

with her where she is normal, funny and happy, I feel elated. If a few days

pass and I don't speak with her, I start to come down, and eventually when I see

her name on my caller ID I have a knot in my stomach again.

>

> I'm not sure if I'm in the right place but I joined this list because I am 29

years old and so happy in my new life with my husband, but my emotional issues

with my mother weigh so heavy on me that I can't fully enjoy my life. I never

know what to say to her or how to answer her questions because I don't know how

she will intepret what I'm saying. I stay completely neutral and hide my true

self, agreeing with whatever she says, even when her opinions change (as they

often do). My friends and my husband, who don't really understand, say things

like " you have to talk to her about these issues " but I hope some people on here

can understand that that is just not an option. I feel so lucky if I can get

through a weekend without offending her. Sharing true feelings are a daydream

for someone else's life.

>

> I have given up my whining about wishing I had a mom like other girls. I can

accept that she isn't the mom who wants to shop for my wedding dress with me or

that I can share intimate details with. But my guilt, anxiety and fear for

whatever is coming next consumes me, and I am trying to figure out a way to

cope. If my mother can get better one day, I will cry tears of joy. But right

now I have to accept that I can only change the way I let her actions affect me.

I guess I'm here with the hope that maybe someone else who is further along on

their journey of acceptance has some wisdom they can share.

>

> Thanks

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks to everyone who responded to my post. I really appreciate the warm

welcome and much needed advice, and I intend to start reading some of the books

suggested.

Llel - your advice really hit home. I think that the alcohol issue on top of

the behavioral issue is something that no one in my family has been ready to

admit or tackle. She does black out, and I think its been easier for us to

blame the interaction with her medication than admit that its another serious

issue we have to deal with. I really thank everyone for taking the time to help

me feel like others understand.

When I first posted I felt guilty, like I was betraying my mother. And when I

came back onto the list today and saw I had responses, there was a knot in my

stomach. Kind of like, this is it, you've admitted it to someone and now its out

there.

But it feels good for it to be out there and I'm really glad I'm here.

> >

> > Hello,

> >

> > I don't really know where to start but I have been wondering for a while if

my mother has BPD, and trying to find ways to cope with it.

> >

> > My mother was always difficult when we were children. Unhappy, annoyed, and

flustered, but I always assumed it was the natural stress of raising 4 children.

In fact, until recently, I believed that all mothers disliked being mothers, so

even though we walked on eggshells with her, I didn't think much about it.

> >

> > As I grew up, her behavior got worse. She has chronic back issues, and one

summer when I was in college she had a particularly bad bout, and laid on the

couch depressed for the entire summer, while I drove my siblings to their summer

camps. When I graduated from law school, she began criticizing me relentlessly

about not being able to find a job--as if I didn't feel like a failure already.

> >

> > But it wasn't until a few years ago that her behavior got scary. The first

episode was in a restuarant with my brother and sister and my mom, who had all

come to visit me for the weekend. I don't remember what provoked her (as I'm

sure many of you can relate, it was something minor) but the next thing we knew

she was crying uncontrollably and intensely angry. We managed to get her out of

the restaurant, where she continued to wail on the street that she tried so hard

and none of us liked her, and while insisting we go to the play we had tickets

for after dinner without her, took out handfuls of money and threw them at us.

By pleading and apologizing ( " please it won't be fun without you, we love you,

we are so sorry " )she agreed to come, but sniffed and whimpered the entire walk

there. By intermission she was ok. The next day I called my father, who has

always been the reasonable parent, upset and confused. He must have reported to

my mom that I called him because she called me at work bewildered. " You told

daddy that you were upset?? What's wrong? " Complete denial.

> >

> > Each episode since then has gotten worse and at this point they all seem to

involve alcohol. My mom is on some sort of anti depressant, which we believe

exacerbates the effect of alcohol, but lately has been drinking more than ever.

Growing up she was hardly a drinker at all and I am sure it is becoming a self

medication.

> >

> > During one rage she called my brother on the night before his wedding

telling him that my father was going to kill himself. We came to find out the

next day that my mother had woken my sleeping father up by banging on the door

screaming at him, telling him that he wasn't being supportive enough of my

brother's marriage. None of this was true. My father is emotionally stable,

and was being very supportive. My father (who had previously told her that when

she gets like this he has no choice but to leave the house until she calms down)

left the house and my brother was tasked with staying up with her all night

while she sobbed...the night before his wedding.

> >

> > Then came my turn when I was engaged. It all started with a phone

conversation about the wedding. Looking back, I should have gotten off the

phone as soon as I heard her because it seemed like she was too happy, maybe

drunk. The mania peaked and slowly turned into suspicion (What do I mean my

husband's family would be staying with us for the wedding? Who are these

people??) and when I tried to explain it escalated to the point of her hanging

up on me twice and screaming and crying that I don't love her, that my wedding

was horrible and that she doesn't want any part of it. Even though I have been

dealing with her accusations that we don't love her for years, I am sure I don't

have to explain to fellow children of BPD parents how much this hurt. She also

kept saying through sobs " I'm so confused. " In a way I think she really was

thoroughly confused. I was up shaking and crying all night, and called in sick

the next day. I got a one line e-mail the next day saying " sorry if I said

anything that upset you. " The timing was not great, since we had plans to go to

my parents for Thanksgiving that weekend. I hadn't spoken to her since her

episode, but by the time I got there she was acting happy and normal.

> >

> > Just like you all, I could go on for hours.

> >

> > I have been dealing all my life with a mother who I can never make happy.

No matter how often I call her she always acts surprised to hear from me, saying

" you NEVER call! " I have the special circumstance of somehow being the golden

child in her eyes. She does not hide to the rest of my family that she places

me on a pedestel, and tells me everytime I speak with her how much she misses me

and how hard it is that I moved so far away (I live a 5 hour car ride away). I

think because of this status as favorite I feel a special responsibility for her

happiness. She pities herself relentlessly, saying that no one in our family

loves her. When you ask her how she is, she says " OK. " As a child, and now as

an adult my mood is completely dictated by hers, and if I have an interaction

with her where she is normal, funny and happy, I feel elated. If a few days

pass and I don't speak with her, I start to come down, and eventually when I see

her name on my caller ID I have a knot in my stomach again.

> >

> > I'm not sure if I'm in the right place but I joined this list because I am

29 years old and so happy in my new life with my husband, but my emotional

issues with my mother weigh so heavy on me that I can't fully enjoy my life. I

never know what to say to her or how to answer her questions because I don't

know how she will intepret what I'm saying. I stay completely neutral and hide

my true self, agreeing with whatever she says, even when her opinions change (as

they often do). My friends and my husband, who don't really understand, say

things like " you have to talk to her about these issues " but I hope some people

on here can understand that that is just not an option. I feel so lucky if I

can get through a weekend without offending her. Sharing true feelings are a

daydream for someone else's life.

> >

> > I have given up my whining about wishing I had a mom like other girls. I

can accept that she isn't the mom who wants to shop for my wedding dress with me

or that I can share intimate details with. But my guilt, anxiety and fear for

whatever is coming next consumes me, and I am trying to figure out a way to

cope. If my mother can get better one day, I will cry tears of joy. But right

now I have to accept that I can only change the way I let her actions affect me.

I guess I'm here with the hope that maybe someone else who is further along on

their journey of acceptance has some wisdom they can share.

> >

> > Thanks

> >

>