Is anyone else noticing these behaviors in end of life BPD's?

[Guest guest]

It's me again continuing my quest for an end of life BPD book.

The last time I posted I tried to number the most common characteristics I had

noted and list them for others. However I added too many of our own experiences

and I thought the post was hard to follow. I am willing to list what I noticed

and learned. I am not qualified to write a book like this but hope my

observations will help those who are. Because I want to stay anonymous I don't

want any credit or affiliation with a book. This group is my safe place. If

Randi or someone else did write a book, all I would want is for her to mention

this site and how many of us urged just such a book. This is our safe place and

I don't care to show some of this with my name attached to it in the real world.

Fada is primarily a waif personality, with hermit tendencies, some paranoia, and

enough narcissim to make you want to grind your teeth till they almost break. He

seems especially strong in the area of not being able to tell where he stops and

I begin. After 2 years and 8 months of caring for him in our home I noticed

these trends, and I also see them reiterated by others on this group. Please

read these, if you can add others, please do! I'm sure that BPD parents who

present differently may not demonstrate all the traits my Fada did, but may have

others.

Here goes.

1. The BPD parent ignores a lot of medical advice and just common sense advice

that would help them function better and remain healthy.

2.By ignoring above advice BPD parent demonstrates a desire to be totally

dependent(unhealthy lie in bed all day, not provide any self care)and seems to

be moving toward a state of complete helplessness and dependence.

3. Above is reflected in actions many people on this site mention parents in

diapers and using potty chairs, perhaps for a long time before they are

physically required.

4. The BPD parent also becomes incredibly lazy will not provide any self care or

self hygiene.

5.BPD parent's sense of helplessness, laziness, and dependency seems to stem

from a sense of entitlement. They've earned the right to rest. They gaslight

this into " I was a great parent, you owe me "

6.The BPD parent seems to be moving towards a deep,consuming depression. (This

may be unique to my Fada) The parent shuts down, tunes out and turns off,

especially when required to perform self help tasks, like standing up and

walking a few steps to get to bed or get to a chair, or change their clothes.

7. The aging BPD parent may split in a different way, choosing one child or

grandchild who will enable their feigned helplessness even more, and hate the

child or grandchild who tries to help them remain independent.

8.The ability to turn off BPD behavior and maintain almost near normalcy with

personal care workers, home health, the dentist, the barber, etc.

9. Gaslighting with personal care workers and telling them lies about you, then

the personal care worker will come to you and plead for whatever it is the BPD

parent thinks they are being denied.

10. Alienating personal care workers so that it is difficult to keep them, and

once they quit, because they've complained to friends, family, and colleagues

about how weird the BPD is, you can't find new ones.

11.Since the BDP parent can't tell where they stop and you begin they will feign

helplessness and have no qualms about making you do things for them until you

too, become injured. (It almost seems that they want to see you as disabled as

they are)

12.The BPD parent uses all of the behaviors noted above as if they were hell

bent on their own destruction, suicide via mental illness.

13. On their way to suicide via mental illness the BPD parent seems to be

working towards a state of total helplessnes (a return to infancy, or the time

in their early life when they were broken) It is as if they are returning to

infancy in old age to get a second chance at whatever they didn't get the first

time.

Things that helped me were that Fada moved to our home town and my husband is so

respected here that health care workers believed him when he described Fada's

behavior.

I have durable power of attorney and medical power of attorney (and have held

these for nearly 15 years, Fada completed these when we were LC and they were a

godsend

I contacted an attorney who specialized in Elder Law. Don't waste your time with

just any lawyer you need an elder law specialist.

Get help! Get documentation, if BPD parent hires home health and then fires

them, you have documentation parent isn't doing everything safe to be in home.

Especially if they managed to get released from assisted living, it won't be

long before they are back to their old ways. Get whatever social services you

can in there so you have outside documentation and proof BPD parent can't be

left alone.

If you are having your own health problems get these documented so that once BPD

parent goes to assisted living or nursing care home you have a perfectly good

reason why they can't return to your home or theirs, because if you have to

provide a portion of their care you are going to become ill or disabled.

If you are providing all of parent's care and expenses in your home and they are

hoarding their funds you may be able to deduct them from your taxes. Check with

an accountant.

I had a Family Practice physician who was the Grand Kid of a BPD. It would be

helpful if we could compile a nationwide directory of medical and psychological

professionals who have family histories of BPD. I noticed Randi has a group for

these people. We need to be careful I would suggest if you had an experience

with a good doctor or other specialist maybe someone could contact them and say

they were recommended as a professional who understood BPD. If they were

interested in being placed in a directory. Such a directory might be helpful to

doctors and others who are scratching their heads over our dilemma. Maybe they

could act as advisors to professionals who haven't had experience with BPDs. My

Dad made my husband (a doctor) nuts, but our Family Practitioner always gave the

most clear and concise advise.

That is all I can think of now. I am interested in what you are noticing and if

you have other tendencies, behavior traits, that are similar or work with a

particular BPD personality trait.

Respectfully submitted,

Kay

[Guest guest]

I think you created a thorough list of behaviors that a person with bpd might

exhibit toward the end of their life, and you listed issues and concerns that

the loved ones of the terminal bpd patient would need to be considering or

actively managing.

I can't add anything really, because my nada at the end of her life didn't just

have borderline pd, she also had senile dementia/Alzheimer's.

But from my point of view, the dementia was virtually the same as her life-long

bpd symptoms, just more extreme and frequent, and openly displayed to others

instead of covert.

Nada's paranoia and delusional thinking ramped up quite a bit; nada was

convinced that my long-deceased dad was alive again, had remarried, and was

spying on her with hidden cameras. Nada also believed that her doctors and

Sister (and probably I as well) were trying to poison her and steal from her.

Nada's long-dormant tendency toward physical violence reawakened, but she aimed

it at her care-givers at the residential care home.

The only really different thing was that nada began hallucinating. Its still

difficult for me to wrap my mind around the whole thing, but nada said that

these people looked and sounded so absolutely real to her, and yet part of her

mind knew that they could not be real. Nada had a test that her psychiatrist

taught her to use and Sister would have to remind nada to use it: if nada could

put her hand through them, then they weren't real.

In my nada's case, the anti-psychotic meds didn't help her very much; the

anti-anxiety drug helped calm down her physical violence, but the last few days

I saw her she seemed kind of out of it and " druggy " but she was still quite

paranoid. She spoke of a couple of her care-givers who she was convinced were

" out to get her " and " poison " her.

Dementia is a pretty horrible way to go, seems to me. Very heartbreaking. So I

don't really have any " purely " bpd-specific end-of-life symptoms or traits to

add to your list.

-Annie

>

> It's me again continuing my quest for an end of life BPD book.

> The last time I posted I tried to number the most common characteristics I had

noted and list them for others. However I added too many of our own experiences

and I thought the post was hard to follow. I am willing to list what I noticed

and learned. I am not qualified to write a book like this but hope my

observations will help those who are. Because I want to stay anonymous I don't

want any credit or affiliation with a book. This group is my safe place. If

Randi or someone else did write a book, all I would want is for her to mention

this site and how many of us urged just such a book. This is our safe place and

I don't care to show some of this with my name attached to it in the real world.

>

> Fada is primarily a waif personality, with hermit tendencies, some paranoia,

and enough narcissim to make you want to grind your teeth till they almost

break. He seems especially strong in the area of not being able to tell where he

stops and I begin. After 2 years and 8 months of caring for him in our home I

noticed these trends, and I also see them reiterated by others on this group.

Please read these, if you can add others, please do! I'm sure that BPD parents

who present differently may not demonstrate all the traits my Fada did, but may

have others.

> Here goes.

> 1. The BPD parent ignores a lot of medical advice and just common sense advice

that would help them function better and remain healthy.

> 2.By ignoring above advice BPD parent demonstrates a desire to be totally

dependent(unhealthy lie in bed all day, not provide any self care)and seems to

be moving toward a state of complete helplessness and dependence.

> 3. Above is reflected in actions many people on this site mention parents in

diapers and using potty chairs, perhaps for a long time before they are

physically required.

> 4. The BPD parent also becomes incredibly lazy will not provide any self care

or self hygiene.

> 5.BPD parent's sense of helplessness, laziness, and dependency seems to stem

from a sense of entitlement. They've earned the right to rest. They gaslight

this into " I was a great parent, you owe me "

> 6.The BPD parent seems to be moving towards a deep,consuming depression. (This

may be unique to my Fada) The parent shuts down, tunes out and turns off,

especially when required to perform self help tasks, like standing up and

walking a few steps to get to bed or get to a chair, or change their clothes.

> 7. The aging BPD parent may split in a different way, choosing one child or

grandchild who will enable their feigned helplessness even more, and hate the

child or grandchild who tries to help them remain independent.

> 8.The ability to turn off BPD behavior and maintain almost near normalcy with

personal care workers, home health, the dentist, the barber, etc.

> 9. Gaslighting with personal care workers and telling them lies about you,

then the personal care worker will come to you and plead for whatever it is the

BPD parent thinks they are being denied.

> 10. Alienating personal care workers so that it is difficult to keep them, and

once they quit, because they've complained to friends, family, and colleagues

about how weird the BPD is, you can't find new ones.

> 11.Since the BDP parent can't tell where they stop and you begin they will

feign helplessness and have no qualms about making you do things for them until

you too, become injured. (It almost seems that they want to see you as disabled

as they are)

> 12.The BPD parent uses all of the behaviors noted above as if they were hell

bent on their own destruction, suicide via mental illness.

> 13. On their way to suicide via mental illness the BPD parent seems to be

working towards a state of total helplessnes (a return to infancy, or the time

in their early life when they were broken) It is as if they are returning to

infancy in old age to get a second chance at whatever they didn't get the first

time.

>

> Things that helped me were that Fada moved to our home town and my husband is

so respected here that health care workers believed him when he described Fada's

behavior.

>

> I have durable power of attorney and medical power of attorney (and have held

these for nearly 15 years, Fada completed these when we were LC and they were a

godsend

>

> I contacted an attorney who specialized in Elder Law. Don't waste your time

with just any lawyer you need an elder law specialist.

>

> Get help! Get documentation, if BPD parent hires home health and then fires

them, you have documentation parent isn't doing everything safe to be in home.

Especially if they managed to get released from assisted living, it won't be

long before they are back to their old ways. Get whatever social services you

can in there so you have outside documentation and proof BPD parent can't be

left alone.

>

> If you are having your own health problems get these documented so that once

BPD parent goes to assisted living or nursing care home you have a perfectly

good reason why they can't return to your home or theirs, because if you have to

provide a portion of their care you are going to become ill or disabled.

>

> If you are providing all of parent's care and expenses in your home and they

are hoarding their funds you may be able to deduct them from your taxes. Check

with an accountant.

>

> I had a Family Practice physician who was the Grand Kid of a BPD. It would be

helpful if we could compile a nationwide directory of medical and psychological

professionals who have family histories of BPD. I noticed Randi has a group for

these people. We need to be careful I would suggest if you had an experience

with a good doctor or other specialist maybe someone could contact them and say

they were recommended as a professional who understood BPD. If they were

interested in being placed in a directory. Such a directory might be helpful to

doctors and others who are scratching their heads over our dilemma. Maybe they

could act as advisors to professionals who haven't had experience with BPDs. My

Dad made my husband (a doctor) nuts, but our Family Practitioner always gave the

most clear and concise advise.

>

> That is all I can think of now. I am interested in what you are noticing and

if you have other tendencies, behavior traits, that are similar or work with a

particular BPD personality trait.

>

> Respectfully submitted,

>

> Kay

>

[Guest guest]

Great list - I can relate to so much of it. I've got one addition if you'd

like. BPD's use illness, especially end-of-life eldercare type stuff to break

down whatever boundaries the KO has set up. So maybe you used to talk once a

week or month, but now there's all these emergencies and crises, appointments

and dire news and consequences going on. So even if you don't move the elder

in with you they still use their situation to breakdown the separation you've

created. That would apply to emotional separation and detachment too which are

so essential for our sanity!

Eliza

PS - Are you sure you want to use your real name here? It's risky cause you

never know who might join or if Yahoo might have a security glitch one day and

this stuff gets put into the Google search database.

>

> It's me again continuing my quest for an end of life BPD book.

> The last time I posted I tried to number the most common characteristics I had

noted and list them for others. However I added too many of our own experiences

and I thought the post was hard to follow. I am willing to list what I noticed

and learned. I am not qualified to write a book like this but hope my

observations will help those who are. Because I want to stay anonymous I don't

want any credit or affiliation with a book. This group is my safe place. If

Randi or someone else did write a book, all I would want is for her to mention

this site and how many of us urged just such a book. This is our safe place and

I don't care to show some of this with my name attached to it in the real world.

>

> Fada is primarily a waif personality, with hermit tendencies, some paranoia,

and enough narcissim to make you want to grind your teeth till they almost

break. He seems especially strong in the area of not being able to tell where he

stops and I begin. After 2 years and 8 months of caring for him in our home I

noticed these trends, and I also see them reiterated by others on this group.

Please read these, if you can add others, please do! I'm sure that BPD parents

who present differently may not demonstrate all the traits my Fada did, but may

have others.

> Here goes.

> 1. The BPD parent ignores a lot of medical advice and just common sense advice

that would help them function better and remain healthy.

> 2.By ignoring above advice BPD parent demonstrates a desire to be totally

dependent(unhealthy lie in bed all day, not provide any self care)and seems to

be moving toward a state of complete helplessness and dependence.

> 3. Above is reflected in actions many people on this site mention parents in

diapers and using potty chairs, perhaps for a long time before they are

physically required.

> 4. The BPD parent also becomes incredibly lazy will not provide any self care

or self hygiene.

> 5.BPD parent's sense of helplessness, laziness, and dependency seems to stem

from a sense of entitlement. They've earned the right to rest. They gaslight

this into " I was a great parent, you owe me "

> 6.The BPD parent seems to be moving towards a deep,consuming depression. (This

may be unique to my Fada) The parent shuts down, tunes out and turns off,

especially when required to perform self help tasks, like standing up and

walking a few steps to get to bed or get to a chair, or change their clothes.

> 7. The aging BPD parent may split in a different way, choosing one child or

grandchild who will enable their feigned helplessness even more, and hate the

child or grandchild who tries to help them remain independent.

> 8.The ability to turn off BPD behavior and maintain almost near normalcy with

personal care workers, home health, the dentist, the barber, etc.

> 9. Gaslighting with personal care workers and telling them lies about you,

then the personal care worker will come to you and plead for whatever it is the

BPD parent thinks they are being denied.

> 10. Alienating personal care workers so that it is difficult to keep them, and

once they quit, because they've complained to friends, family, and colleagues

about how weird the BPD is, you can't find new ones.

> 11.Since the BDP parent can't tell where they stop and you begin they will

feign helplessness and have no qualms about making you do things for them until

you too, become injured. (It almost seems that they want to see you as disabled

as they are)

> 12.The BPD parent uses all of the behaviors noted above as if they were hell

bent on their own destruction, suicide via mental illness.

> 13. On their way to suicide via mental illness the BPD parent seems to be

working towards a state of total helplessnes (a return to infancy, or the time

in their early life when they were broken) It is as if they are returning to

infancy in old age to get a second chance at whatever they didn't get the first

time.

>

> Things that helped me were that Fada moved to our home town and my husband is

so respected here that health care workers believed him when he described Fada's

behavior.

>

> I have durable power of attorney and medical power of attorney (and have held

these for nearly 15 years, Fada completed these when we were LC and they were a

godsend

>

> I contacted an attorney who specialized in Elder Law. Don't waste your time

with just any lawyer you need an elder law specialist.

>

> Get help! Get documentation, if BPD parent hires home health and then fires

them, you have documentation parent isn't doing everything safe to be in home.

Especially if they managed to get released from assisted living, it won't be

long before they are back to their old ways. Get whatever social services you

can in there so you have outside documentation and proof BPD parent can't be

left alone.

>

> If you are having your own health problems get these documented so that once

BPD parent goes to assisted living or nursing care home you have a perfectly

good reason why they can't return to your home or theirs, because if you have to

provide a portion of their care you are going to become ill or disabled.

>

> If you are providing all of parent's care and expenses in your home and they

are hoarding their funds you may be able to deduct them from your taxes. Check

with an accountant.

>

> I had a Family Practice physician who was the Grand Kid of a BPD. It would be

helpful if we could compile a nationwide directory of medical and psychological

professionals who have family histories of BPD. I noticed Randi has a group for

these people. We need to be careful I would suggest if you had an experience

with a good doctor or other specialist maybe someone could contact them and say

they were recommended as a professional who understood BPD. If they were

interested in being placed in a directory. Such a directory might be helpful to

doctors and others who are scratching their heads over our dilemma. Maybe they

could act as advisors to professionals who haven't had experience with BPDs. My

Dad made my husband (a doctor) nuts, but our Family Practitioner always gave the

most clear and concise advise.

>

> That is all I can think of now. I am interested in what you are noticing and

if you have other tendencies, behavior traits, that are similar or work with a

particular BPD personality trait.

>

> Respectfully submitted,

>

> Kay

>

[Guest guest]

I am not using my real name and never give my last name on these posts. I don't

want any credit other than credit for the entire adult kid site so that others

who bought the book would visit the site and get more help. I think my first

post said that when I'd visted WTO for the first time I finally felt like I was

home. So I want others to find home here as well.

You and Anuria have added some great things. I will need to let them gel a

little in my gray matter and then add them to my numbered list. I'm also waiting

to see if any one else adds to the list.

I would also like to see the establishment of a national directory for health

care providers only. Those of us who have had good experiences with BPD

knowledgeable health care providers could make recommendations to a main source.

The source could contact that provider and say " you have been highly recommended

by a previous patient as a professional who understands BPD, would you be

willing to be listed on a regional or nationwide directory (available only to

other professionals) and then they could contact you via email, etc. for more

information.

I say this because my husband( a board certified surgeon) could not wrap his

brain around Fada's psychoses. He tried googling and got nothing. End of life

BPD does mimic senility (but I agree it is what they have done their entire

lives only now they are not as good at acting normal)

Now he gets elderly patients all the time who he says act just like Fada is it

senility or is it BPD? these health care providers need help.

Kay

> >

> > It's me again continuing my quest for an end of life BPD book.

> > The last time I posted I tried to number the most common characteristics I

had noted and list them for others. However I added too many of our own

experiences and I thought the post was hard to follow. I am willing to list what

I noticed and learned. I am not qualified to write a book like this but hope my

observations will help those who are. Because I want to stay anonymous I don't

want any credit or affiliation with a book. This group is my safe place. If

Randi or someone else did write a book, all I would want is for her to mention

this site and how many of us urged just such a book. This is our safe place and

I don't care to show some of this with my name attached to it in the real world.

> >

> > Fada is primarily a waif personality, with hermit tendencies, some paranoia,

and enough narcissim to make you want to grind your teeth till they almost

break. He seems especially strong in the area of not being able to tell where he

stops and I begin. After 2 years and 8 months of caring for him in our home I

noticed these trends, and I also see them reiterated by others on this group.

Please read these, if you can add others, please do! I'm sure that BPD parents

who present differently may not demonstrate all the traits my Fada did, but may

have others.

> > Here goes.

> > 1. The BPD parent ignores a lot of medical advice and just common sense

advice that would help them function better and remain healthy.

> > 2.By ignoring above advice BPD parent demonstrates a desire to be totally

dependent(unhealthy lie in bed all day, not provide any self care)and seems to

be moving toward a state of complete helplessness and dependence.

> > 3. Above is reflected in actions many people on this site mention parents in

diapers and using potty chairs, perhaps for a long time before they are

physically required.

> > 4. The BPD parent also becomes incredibly lazy will not provide any self

care or self hygiene.

> > 5.BPD parent's sense of helplessness, laziness, and dependency seems to stem

from a sense of entitlement. They've earned the right to rest. They gaslight

this into " I was a great parent, you owe me "

> > 6.The BPD parent seems to be moving towards a deep,consuming depression.

(This may be unique to my Fada) The parent shuts down, tunes out and turns off,

especially when required to perform self help tasks, like standing up and

walking a few steps to get to bed or get to a chair, or change their clothes.

> > 7. The aging BPD parent may split in a different way, choosing one child or

grandchild who will enable their feigned helplessness even more, and hate the

child or grandchild who tries to help them remain independent.

> > 8.The ability to turn off BPD behavior and maintain almost near normalcy

with personal care workers, home health, the dentist, the barber, etc.

> > 9. Gaslighting with personal care workers and telling them lies about you,

then the personal care worker will come to you and plead for whatever it is the

BPD parent thinks they are being denied.

> > 10. Alienating personal care workers so that it is difficult to keep them,

and once they quit, because they've complained to friends, family, and

colleagues about how weird the BPD is, you can't find new ones.

> > 11.Since the BDP parent can't tell where they stop and you begin they will

feign helplessness and have no qualms about making you do things for them until

you too, become injured. (It almost seems that they want to see you as disabled

as they are)

> > 12.The BPD parent uses all of the behaviors noted above as if they were hell

bent on their own destruction, suicide via mental illness.

> > 13. On their way to suicide via mental illness the BPD parent seems to be

working towards a state of total helplessnes (a return to infancy, or the time

in their early life when they were broken) It is as if they are returning to

infancy in old age to get a second chance at whatever they didn't get the first

time.

> >

> > Things that helped me were that Fada moved to our home town and my husband

is so respected here that health care workers believed him when he described

Fada's behavior.

> >

> > I have durable power of attorney and medical power of attorney (and have

held these for nearly 15 years, Fada completed these when we were LC and they

were a godsend

> >

> > I contacted an attorney who specialized in Elder Law. Don't waste your time

with just any lawyer you need an elder law specialist.

> >

> > Get help! Get documentation, if BPD parent hires home health and then fires

them, you have documentation parent isn't doing everything safe to be in home.

Especially if they managed to get released from assisted living, it won't be

long before they are back to their old ways. Get whatever social services you

can in there so you have outside documentation and proof BPD parent can't be

left alone.

> >

> > If you are having your own health problems get these documented so that once

BPD parent goes to assisted living or nursing care home you have a perfectly

good reason why they can't return to your home or theirs, because if you have to

provide a portion of their care you are going to become ill or disabled.

> >

> > If you are providing all of parent's care and expenses in your home and they

are hoarding their funds you may be able to deduct them from your taxes. Check

with an accountant.

> >

> > I had a Family Practice physician who was the Grand Kid of a BPD. It would

be helpful if we could compile a nationwide directory of medical and

psychological professionals who have family histories of BPD. I noticed Randi

has a group for these people. We need to be careful I would suggest if you had

an experience with a good doctor or other specialist maybe someone could contact

them and say they were recommended as a professional who understood BPD. If they

were interested in being placed in a directory. Such a directory might be

helpful to doctors and others who are scratching their heads over our dilemma.

Maybe they could act as advisors to professionals who haven't had experience

with BPDs. My Dad made my husband (a doctor) nuts, but our Family Practitioner

always gave the most clear and concise advise.

> >

> > That is all I can think of now. I am interested in what you are noticing and

if you have other tendencies, behavior traits, that are similar or work with a

particular BPD personality trait.

> >

> > Respectfully submitted,

> >

> > Kay

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Whoops! I meant I would add from Eliza's list too. Sorry Eliza!

> > >

> > > It's me again continuing my quest for an end of life BPD book.

> > > The last time I posted I tried to number the most common characteristics I

had noted and list them for others. However I added too many of our own

experiences and I thought the post was hard to follow. I am willing to list what

I noticed and learned. I am not qualified to write a book like this but hope my

observations will help those who are. Because I want to stay anonymous I don't

want any credit or affiliation with a book. This group is my safe place. If

Randi or someone else did write a book, all I would want is for her to mention

this site and how many of us urged just such a book. This is our safe place and

I don't care to show some of this with my name attached to it in the real world.

> > >

> > > Fada is primarily a waif personality, with hermit tendencies, some

paranoia, and enough narcissim to make you want to grind your teeth till they

almost break. He seems especially strong in the area of not being able to tell

where he stops and I begin. After 2 years and 8 months of caring for him in our

home I noticed these trends, and I also see them reiterated by others on this

group. Please read these, if you can add others, please do! I'm sure that BPD

parents who present differently may not demonstrate all the traits my Fada did,

but may have others.

> > > Here goes.

> > > 1. The BPD parent ignores a lot of medical advice and just common sense

advice that would help them function better and remain healthy.

> > > 2.By ignoring above advice BPD parent demonstrates a desire to be totally

dependent(unhealthy lie in bed all day, not provide any self care)and seems to

be moving toward a state of complete helplessness and dependence.

> > > 3. Above is reflected in actions many people on this site mention parents

in diapers and using potty chairs, perhaps for a long time before they are

physically required.

> > > 4. The BPD parent also becomes incredibly lazy will not provide any self

care or self hygiene.

> > > 5.BPD parent's sense of helplessness, laziness, and dependency seems to

stem from a sense of entitlement. They've earned the right to rest. They

gaslight this into " I was a great parent, you owe me "

> > > 6.The BPD parent seems to be moving towards a deep,consuming depression.

(This may be unique to my Fada) The parent shuts down, tunes out and turns off,

especially when required to perform self help tasks, like standing up and

walking a few steps to get to bed or get to a chair, or change their clothes.

> > > 7. The aging BPD parent may split in a different way, choosing one child

or grandchild who will enable their feigned helplessness even more, and hate the

child or grandchild who tries to help them remain independent.

> > > 8.The ability to turn off BPD behavior and maintain almost near normalcy

with personal care workers, home health, the dentist, the barber, etc.

> > > 9. Gaslighting with personal care workers and telling them lies about you,

then the personal care worker will come to you and plead for whatever it is the

BPD parent thinks they are being denied.

> > > 10. Alienating personal care workers so that it is difficult to keep them,

and once they quit, because they've complained to friends, family, and

colleagues about how weird the BPD is, you can't find new ones.

> > > 11.Since the BDP parent can't tell where they stop and you begin they will

feign helplessness and have no qualms about making you do things for them until

you too, become injured. (It almost seems that they want to see you as disabled

as they are)

> > > 12.The BPD parent uses all of the behaviors noted above as if they were

hell bent on their own destruction, suicide via mental illness.

> > > 13. On their way to suicide via mental illness the BPD parent seems to be

working towards a state of total helplessnes (a return to infancy, or the time

in their early life when they were broken) It is as if they are returning to

infancy in old age to get a second chance at whatever they didn't get the first

time.

> > >

> > > Things that helped me were that Fada moved to our home town and my husband

is so respected here that health care workers believed him when he described

Fada's behavior.

> > >

> > > I have durable power of attorney and medical power of attorney (and have

held these for nearly 15 years, Fada completed these when we were LC and they

were a godsend

> > >

> > > I contacted an attorney who specialized in Elder Law. Don't waste your

time with just any lawyer you need an elder law specialist.

> > >

> > > Get help! Get documentation, if BPD parent hires home health and then

fires them, you have documentation parent isn't doing everything safe to be in

home. Especially if they managed to get released from assisted living, it won't

be long before they are back to their old ways. Get whatever social services you

can in there so you have outside documentation and proof BPD parent can't be

left alone.

> > >

> > > If you are having your own health problems get these documented so that

once BPD parent goes to assisted living or nursing care home you have a

perfectly good reason why they can't return to your home or theirs, because if

you have to provide a portion of their care you are going to become ill or

disabled.

> > >

> > > If you are providing all of parent's care and expenses in your home and

they are hoarding their funds you may be able to deduct them from your taxes.

Check with an accountant.

> > >

> > > I had a Family Practice physician who was the Grand Kid of a BPD. It would

be helpful if we could compile a nationwide directory of medical and

psychological professionals who have family histories of BPD. I noticed Randi

has a group for these people. We need to be careful I would suggest if you had

an experience with a good doctor or other specialist maybe someone could contact

them and say they were recommended as a professional who understood BPD. If they

were interested in being placed in a directory. Such a directory might be

helpful to doctors and others who are scratching their heads over our dilemma.

Maybe they could act as advisors to professionals who haven't had experience

with BPDs. My Dad made my husband (a doctor) nuts, but our Family Practitioner

always gave the most clear and concise advise.

> > >

> > > That is all I can think of now. I am interested in what you are noticing

and if you have other tendencies, behavior traits, that are similar or work with

a particular BPD personality trait.

> > >

> > > Respectfully submitted,

> > >

> > > Kay

> > >

> >

>