Telling children about no contact with grandparents

[Guest guest]

Hi, I'm new to the forum and wondered if anyone else has advice for my

situation. I have been out of contact with my parents (for the most part) since

about 7 months before my daughter was born. Although she has not been

officially diagnosed with BPD (does that ever really happen for those we suspect

have it?), my mother is the one whose behaviors match every description I have

read of BPD.

Due to a particularly bad instance of emotional manipulation, which has always

been part of my mother's behavior but particularly came to a head repeatedly

around the holidays ever since I got married, I decided to " escape " . I had had

enough of her accusations and toxic behavior and was even more convinced to

separate myself from this situation because I was pregnant. Our last argument

triggered something in me, a protective instinct I guess, and I realized that I

did not want to undergo stress that might negatively impact my pregnancy AND I

didn't want my daughter exposed to this kind of family dynamic once she was

born.

My struggle is with how to explain the " no contact " with my parents once my

daughter is old enough to understand and ask about it. I also struggle with how

to deal with the fact that I think I've lost everyone in my family, as well.

Whether they are just avoiding contact with me because they blame me or whether

they are afraid my parents will find out we've been in touch and will turn on

them, I am not sure what to say to any of my aunts, uncles, and cousins.

To give a little background, after the tiff my mother and I had in Nov. 2010

(details are laughable for anyone who does not understand my mother and her BPD

tendencies), I didn't call her to grovel and apologize, as I had always done in

the past. Of course, she didn't call me to try to patch things up (or God

forbid, make any kind of apology to me). She and my dad found out about my

pregnancy through my stepsister.

Losing contact with my mother meant also losing contact with my dad, who always

been close to me in the past, as well as the rest of my family (at least, as far

as I can tell, since none of them have kept in touch with me). One of my aunts

posted an awful message on my Facebook page about what a " bummer " it was that I

was expecting a girl because this would " continue the pattern " of no contact (my

mother is also estranged from her mother and has been for 20+ years). I

immediately " un-friended " her and deleted her post; she later emailed me and

said " FIX THIS " and continued in a tirade about how I was to blame...of course,

I did not respond, and then I blocked her email address, as well...

Lots has happened over the past year; I sent a letter to them to explain why I

separated myself from the toxic situation, apologized to them for the fact that

my they had therefore missed out on my daughter's birth and were hurt by it (I

left out the fact that they made the choice not to mend things with me and it's

their own fault they lost out). I also invited them to try therapy with me.

Mom & dad both met with the therapist separately, and dad met with me once, but

this did no good.

To wrap up this long explanation, I'll end by mentioning that I sent a letter

offering to us put our differences aside and to let them meet their

granddaughter, either at our house or at my friend's house (who had offered to

host them in a " neutral " location). When I called her to follow up, my mother

responded by inviting me and my daughter (not my husband) to meet at their house

instead. I said I felt it was important for the whole family to be included (my

father, as well), but she would have none of it and the conversation ended

poorly after she started going back to past events and trying to throw my

husband under the bus for things he never did.

A week later she sent an 11-page document to me, my husband (at work), and his

parents (and God knows who else). The document was a compilation of emails and

letters she had written but never sent, outlining how I was at fault for things

dating back to 20+ years ago and informing everyone that my biological father

had wanted nothing to do with me as a baby (obviously making herself a martyr

for taking care of me after her divorce from him and throughout her marriage to

my stepfather, whom I have always called my dad). She finished it all off with

a copy of an article, " How to Land Your Kids in Therapy " and a letter in which

she called me a sociopath. I don't know more details because I refused to get

dragged in and read all of this; I asked my therapist to tell me about it

instead and let me know if I should read it. She told me that wouldn't help

anything, and I think she's right.

Over the past year, my husband and I have been discussing how we will tell our

daughter about this situation. It should be noted that a few family members told

me how sad they were about the situation on Facebook posts to me many months

ago; I have stayed away from Facebook for the most part b/c my mother has gotten

access to my pictures/ posts and used them as fodder for her delusional

accusations. However, I still miss sharing pictures of my daughter and being in

touch with my relatives. Most importantly, my husband and I are preparing for

the worst case scenario (a continuation of the no contact)...Does anyone have

advice for discussing estrangement with children, and for the situation of

losing all of my family?

Many thanks...

[Guest guest]

Hi and welcome!! It sounds like you are doing things right. I think that as

your daughter grows older she is likely to accept your family for what it is

without a ton of questions. As she gets older you can just tell her the

truth in bite sized pieces for her development. I honestly think the

majority of families have some kind of skeleton and the kids turn out fine.

You've done a lot of great stuff and now that you have found us it is about

to get better - cuz you will have a group of people all across the world who

" get it "

XOXO welcome girlscout

> **

>

>

> Hi, I'm new to the forum and wondered if anyone else has advice for my

> situation. I have been out of contact with my parents (for the most part)

> since about 7 months before my daughter was born. Although she has not been

> officially diagnosed with BPD (does that ever really happen for those we

> suspect have it?), my mother is the one whose behaviors match every

> description I have read of BPD.

>

> Due to a particularly bad instance of emotional manipulation, which has

> always been part of my mother's behavior but particularly came to a head

> repeatedly around the holidays ever since I got married, I decided to

> " escape " . I had had enough of her accusations and toxic behavior and was

> even more convinced to separate myself from this situation because I was

> pregnant. Our last argument triggered something in me, a protective instinct

> I guess, and I realized that I did not want to undergo stress that might

> negatively impact my pregnancy AND I didn't want my daughter exposed to this

> kind of family dynamic once she was born.

>

> My struggle is with how to explain the " no contact " with my parents once my

> daughter is old enough to understand and ask about it. I also struggle with

> how to deal with the fact that I think I've lost everyone in my family, as

> well. Whether they are just avoiding contact with me because they blame me

> or whether they are afraid my parents will find out we've been in touch and

> will turn on them, I am not sure what to say to any of my aunts, uncles, and

> cousins.

>

> To give a little background, after the tiff my mother and I had in Nov.

> 2010 (details are laughable for anyone who does not understand my mother and

> her BPD tendencies), I didn't call her to grovel and apologize, as I had

> always done in the past. Of course, she didn't call me to try to patch

> things up (or God forbid, make any kind of apology to me). She and my dad

> found out about my pregnancy through my stepsister.

>

> Losing contact with my mother meant also losing contact with my dad, who

> always been close to me in the past, as well as the rest of my family (at

> least, as far as I can tell, since none of them have kept in touch with me).

> One of my aunts posted an awful message on my Facebook page about what a

> " bummer " it was that I was expecting a girl because this would " continue the

> pattern " of no contact (my mother is also estranged from her mother and has

> been for 20+ years). I immediately " un-friended " her and deleted her post;

> she later emailed me and said " FIX THIS " and continued in a tirade about how

> I was to blame...of course, I did not respond, and then I blocked her email

> address, as well...

>

> Lots has happened over the past year; I sent a letter to them to explain

> why I separated myself from the toxic situation, apologized to them for the

> fact that my they had therefore missed out on my daughter's birth and were

> hurt by it (I left out the fact that they made the choice not to mend things

> with me and it's their own fault they lost out). I also invited them to try

> therapy with me. Mom & dad both met with the therapist separately, and dad

> met with me once, but this did no good.

>

> To wrap up this long explanation, I'll end by mentioning that I sent a

> letter offering to us put our differences aside and to let them meet their

> granddaughter, either at our house or at my friend's house (who had offered

> to host them in a " neutral " location). When I called her to follow up, my

> mother responded by inviting me and my daughter (not my husband) to meet at

> their house instead. I said I felt it was important for the whole family to

> be included (my father, as well), but she would have none of it and the

> conversation ended poorly after she started going back to past events and

> trying to throw my husband under the bus for things he never did.

>

> A week later she sent an 11-page document to me, my husband (at work), and

> his parents (and God knows who else). The document was a compilation of

> emails and letters she had written but never sent, outlining how I was at

> fault for things dating back to 20+ years ago and informing everyone that my

> biological father had wanted nothing to do with me as a baby (obviously

> making herself a martyr for taking care of me after her divorce from him and

> throughout her marriage to my stepfather, whom I have always called my dad).

> She finished it all off with a copy of an article, " How to Land Your Kids in

> Therapy " and a letter in which she called me a sociopath. I don't know more

> details because I refused to get dragged in and read all of this; I asked my

> therapist to tell me about it instead and let me know if I should read it.

> She told me that wouldn't help anything, and I think she's right.

>

> Over the past year, my husband and I have been discussing how we will tell

> our daughter about this situation. It should be noted that a few family

> members told me how sad they were about the situation on Facebook posts to

> me many months ago; I have stayed away from Facebook for the most part b/c

> my mother has gotten access to my pictures/ posts and used them as fodder

> for her delusional accusations. However, I still miss sharing pictures of my

> daughter and being in touch with my relatives. Most importantly, my husband

> and I are preparing for the worst case scenario (a continuation of the no

> contact)...Does anyone have advice for discussing estrangement with

> children, and for the situation of losing all of my family?

>

> Many thanks...

>

>

>