The most terrible experience of her life..

[Guest guest]

Hi,

I don't post often but don't really have a chance to share this without people

who'd understand in 'real life'. So, I'd been non-contact with Nada for 8

months. She doesn't have a formal diagnosis and I had only come across BPD after

I stopped contact. She doesn't really have anyone else in her life (having cut

so many people off) and has a history of being pretty emotionally unstable and

making bad choices (not surprisingly). So I sent her a letter honestly out

lining my experience as her daughter and the boundaries I would require to

re-establish a relationship. I invited her to lunch (out, on neutral territory).

She accepted and we met yesterday.

I won't bore you with the details of the 2 hours she spent telling me what a

horrible person I was, but needless to say she denied and dismissed all my

feelings and my experience of our relationship and felt it that it was

impossible that I could now have a good and happy life outside our relationship

(she thinks I am in denial - but in actual fact I do - as a result of plenty of

therapy). Instead she feels that is me continuing to shut her out.

The kicker though was when she said to me that being my mother had been the most

terrible experience of her life! Wow. This is a woman who was abandoned by her

parents, reclaimed and then sexually, emotionally and physically assaulted by

her step father etc. And parenting me, who was like a shut down mouse as a

child, was the worst experience of her life!

I feel extraordinarily lucky to have discovered BPD and this board before I met

with her yesterday. Otherwise I would have doubted my experience all over again.

But knowing about BPD and having read so many of your stories, while I am

extraordinarily sad that I have definite proof of her incapacity to love me, I

do at least know at last that she is mad, not me.

So thanks for being here!

[Guest guest]

The more I read stories like this they less they surprise or shock me. I am so

sorry--this has been very painful for you. But it must also give you a sense of

clarity, too, to be staring across the table at obvious insanity and KNOW it

isn't you.

Maybe in some small way she does love you, as much as her capacity to love

exists. She is unable to give more of herself because her whole existence is

based on her skewed view of herself and what she thinks she projects. How sad

and pathetic.

You deserved more. <<HUGS>>

>

> Hi,

>

> I don't post often but don't really have a chance to share this without people

who'd understand in 'real life'. So, I'd been non-contact with Nada for 8

months. She doesn't have a formal diagnosis and I had only come across BPD after

I stopped contact. She doesn't really have anyone else in her life (having cut

so many people off) and has a history of being pretty emotionally unstable and

making bad choices (not surprisingly). So I sent her a letter honestly out

lining my experience as her daughter and the boundaries I would require to

re-establish a relationship. I invited her to lunch (out, on neutral territory).

She accepted and we met yesterday.

>

> I won't bore you with the details of the 2 hours she spent telling me what a

horrible person I was, but needless to say she denied and dismissed all my

feelings and my experience of our relationship and felt it that it was

impossible that I could now have a good and happy life outside our relationship

(she thinks I am in denial - but in actual fact I do - as a result of plenty of

therapy). Instead she feels that is me continuing to shut her out.

>

> The kicker though was when she said to me that being my mother had been the

most terrible experience of her life! Wow. This is a woman who was abandoned by

her parents, reclaimed and then sexually, emotionally and physically assaulted

by her step father etc. And parenting me, who was like a shut down mouse as a

child, was the worst experience of her life!

>

> I feel extraordinarily lucky to have discovered BPD and this board before I

met with her yesterday. Otherwise I would have doubted my experience all over

again. But knowing about BPD and having read so many of your stories, while I am

extraordinarily sad that I have definite proof of her incapacity to love me, I

do at least know at last that she is mad, not me.

>

> So thanks for being here!

>

[Guest guest]

It just HAS to be " all about them " doesn't it?

I'm happy for you that you've grown strong and have a good life now. Clearly

your nada can't comprehend it- and unfortunately for her, she doesn't want want

to, either.

I'm expecting my nada to say the same thing one day, not that I give her much

chance. I was NC for 10 years, and have been very LC for the last 20. I just

recently figured out she's bpd and my father was npd. Those realizations were

kind of like the missing pieces of the puzzle for me, and like you, I've moved

on.

>

> Hi,

>

> I don't post often but don't really have a chance to share this without people

who'd understand in 'real life'. So, I'd been non-contact with Nada for 8

months. She doesn't have a formal diagnosis and I had only come across BPD after

I stopped contact. She doesn't really have anyone else in her life (having cut

so many people off) and has a history of being pretty emotionally unstable and

making bad choices (not surprisingly). So I sent her a letter honestly out

lining my experience as her daughter and the boundaries I would require to

re-establish a relationship. I invited her to lunch (out, on neutral territory).

She accepted and we met yesterday.

>

> I won't bore you with the details of the 2 hours she spent telling me what a

horrible person I was, but needless to say she denied and dismissed all my

feelings and my experience of our relationship and felt it that it was

impossible that I could now have a good and happy life outside our relationship

(she thinks I am in denial - but in actual fact I do - as a result of plenty of

therapy). Instead she feels that is me continuing to shut her out.

>

> The kicker though was when she said to me that being my mother had been the

most terrible experience of her life! Wow. This is a woman who was abandoned by

her parents, reclaimed and then sexually, emotionally and physically assaulted

by her step father etc. And parenting me, who was like a shut down mouse as a

child, was the worst experience of her life!

>

> I feel extraordinarily lucky to have discovered BPD and this board before I

met with her yesterday. Otherwise I would have doubted my experience all over

again. But knowing about BPD and having read so many of your stories, while I am

extraordinarily sad that I have definite proof of her incapacity to love me, I

do at least know at last that she is mad, not me.

>

> So thanks for being here!

>

[Guest guest]

(((Mimblebim))

what a horrible thing for your mother to say; I think she was clearly trying to

exact revenge on you for your letter.

I am so, so glad you know it's ALL her, not you.

I have my own " let's clear the air " meal coming up this week with nada after

having sent her (as you did) a very honest letter. I'll let you know what I get

accused of to distract from what I said in my letter.

Your description of yourself as a shut down mouse is so vivid. That was me, too.

No one listened, no one asked to listen. Just do as you're told and you won't

get hurt.

>

> Hi,

>

> I don't post often but don't really have a chance to share this without people

who'd understand in 'real life'. So, I'd been non-contact with Nada for 8

months. She doesn't have a formal diagnosis and I had only come across BPD after

I stopped contact. She doesn't really have anyone else in her life (having cut

so many people off) and has a history of being pretty emotionally unstable and

making bad choices (not surprisingly). So I sent her a letter honestly out

lining my experience as her daughter and the boundaries I would require to

re-establish a relationship. I invited her to lunch (out, on neutral territory).

She accepted and we met yesterday.

>

> I won't bore you with the details of the 2 hours she spent telling me what a

horrible person I was, but needless to say she denied and dismissed all my

feelings and my experience of our relationship and felt it that it was

impossible that I could now have a good and happy life outside our relationship

(she thinks I am in denial - but in actual fact I do - as a result of plenty of

therapy). Instead she feels that is me continuing to shut her out.

>

> The kicker though was when she said to me that being my mother had been the

most terrible experience of her life! Wow. This is a woman who was abandoned by

her parents, reclaimed and then sexually, emotionally and physically assaulted

by her step father etc. And parenting me, who was like a shut down mouse as a

child, was the worst experience of her life!

>

> I feel extraordinarily lucky to have discovered BPD and this board before I

met with her yesterday. Otherwise I would have doubted my experience all over

again. But knowing about BPD and having read so many of your stories, while I am

extraordinarily sad that I have definite proof of her incapacity to love me, I

do at least know at last that she is mad, not me.

>

> So thanks for being here!

>

[Guest guest]

Hi,

I'm sorry you had such an awful day yesterday and would say definitely **don't

allow her words to become a truth for yourself in any way**.

Sadly I did take my mother's words to heart when I was told and continue to be

told to not have children as they ruin your life (and in the past that I am not

capable of being either compassionate or nurturing enough). Sadly for me her

words have had a deep impact, and have become a sort of false truth I can't get

on top of. It seems as if she is going to get her wish as I'm now boarding on

being too old to have any of my own.

I wish I had done this but.. before your nada's words become corrosive do

whatever you can to understand them as just noise from someone incapable....as

if she's a baby crying.

Lavender

>

> Hi,

>

> I don't post often but don't really have a chance to share this without people

who'd understand in 'real life'. So, I'd been non-contact with Nada for 8

months. She doesn't have a formal diagnosis and I had only come across BPD after

I stopped contact. She doesn't really have anyone else in her life (having cut

so many people off) and has a history of being pretty emotionally unstable and

making bad choices (not surprisingly). So I sent her a letter honestly out

lining my experience as her daughter and the boundaries I would require to

re-establish a relationship. I invited her to lunch (out, on neutral territory).

She accepted and we met yesterday.

>

> I won't bore you with the details of the 2 hours she spent telling me what a

horrible person I was, but needless to say she denied and dismissed all my

feelings and my experience of our relationship and felt it that it was

impossible that I could now have a good and happy life outside our relationship

(she thinks I am in denial - but in actual fact I do - as a result of plenty of

therapy). Instead she feels that is me continuing to shut her out.

>

> The kicker though was when she said to me that being my mother had been the

most terrible experience of her life! Wow. This is a woman who was abandoned by

her parents, reclaimed and then sexually, emotionally and physically assaulted

by her step father etc. And parenting me, who was like a shut down mouse as a

child, was the worst experience of her life!

>

> I feel extraordinarily lucky to have discovered BPD and this board before I

met with her yesterday. Otherwise I would have doubted my experience all over

again. But knowing about BPD and having read so many of your stories, while I am

extraordinarily sad that I have definite proof of her incapacity to love me, I

do at least know at last that she is mad, not me.

>

> So thanks for being here!

>

[Guest guest]

OMG I'm so sorry. What a horrid thing for her to say. My nada said something

similar to me 8 years ago last time I spoke to her and when she did a huge

prison door slammed on her and that was THE END. It still hurts but it is

nice to have the clarity of where to go next.

On Sun, Aug 7, 2011 at 6:25 AM, Lavender

wrote:

> **

>

>

>

>

> Hi,

>

> I'm sorry you had such an awful day yesterday and would say definitely

> **don't allow her words to become a truth for yourself in any way**.

>

> Sadly I did take my mother's words to heart when I was told and continue to

> be told to not have children as they ruin your life (and in the past that I

> am not capable of being either compassionate or nurturing enough). Sadly for

> me her words have had a deep impact, and have become a sort of false truth I

> can't get on top of. It seems as if she is going to get her wish as I'm now

> boarding on being too old to have any of my own.

>

> I wish I had done this but.. before your nada's words become corrosive do

> whatever you can to understand them as just noise from someone

> incapable....as if she's a baby crying.

>

> Lavender

>

>

>

> >

> > Hi,

> >

> > I don't post often but don't really have a chance to share this without

> people who'd understand in 'real life'. So, I'd been non-contact with Nada

> for 8 months. She doesn't have a formal diagnosis and I had only come across

> BPD after I stopped contact. She doesn't really have anyone else in her life

> (having cut so many people off) and has a history of being pretty

> emotionally unstable and making bad choices (not surprisingly). So I sent

> her a letter honestly out lining my experience as her daughter and the

> boundaries I would require to re-establish a relationship. I invited her to

> lunch (out, on neutral territory). She accepted and we met yesterday.

> >

> > I won't bore you with the details of the 2 hours she spent telling me

> what a horrible person I was, but needless to say she denied and dismissed

> all my feelings and my experience of our relationship and felt it that it

> was impossible that I could now have a good and happy life outside our

> relationship (she thinks I am in denial - but in actual fact I do - as a

> result of plenty of therapy). Instead she feels that is me continuing to

> shut her out.

> >

> > The kicker though was when she said to me that being my mother had been

> the most terrible experience of her life! Wow. This is a woman who was

> abandoned by her parents, reclaimed and then sexually, emotionally and

> physically assaulted by her step father etc. And parenting me, who was like

> a shut down mouse as a child, was the worst experience of her life!

> >

> > I feel extraordinarily lucky to have discovered BPD and this board before

> I met with her yesterday. Otherwise I would have doubted my experience all

> over again. But knowing about BPD and having read so many of your stories,

> while I am extraordinarily sad that I have definite proof of her incapacity

> to love me, I do at least know at last that she is mad, not me.

> >

> > So thanks for being here!

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Sigh....it was a horrid thing to have been told but what confuses me these days

is the tone of voice she uses when she says things - often it's the same tone as

'please pass the salt' at a fairly pleasant dinner sort of way. So she doesn't

says it out of the heat of anger...more like it's the way her mind works these

days and that she is completely unaware of how bad it sounds - no peer pressure

in the family to correct her thoughts about things. To her it's normal.

But my goodness, it sounds like you been through a lot worse. Can I ask does the

LC/NC help? I could never go LC/NC myself but there are moments where I day

dream about the possibility.

> > >

> > > Hi,

> > >

> > > I don't post often but don't really have a chance to share this without

> > people who'd understand in 'real life'. So, I'd been non-contact with Nada

> > for 8 months. She doesn't have a formal diagnosis and I had only come across

> > BPD after I stopped contact. She doesn't really have anyone else in her life

> > (having cut so many people off) and has a history of being pretty

> > emotionally unstable and making bad choices (not surprisingly). So I sent

> > her a letter honestly out lining my experience as her daughter and the

> > boundaries I would require to re-establish a relationship. I invited her to

> > lunch (out, on neutral territory). She accepted and we met yesterday.

> > >

> > > I won't bore you with the details of the 2 hours she spent telling me

> > what a horrible person I was, but needless to say she denied and dismissed

> > all my feelings and my experience of our relationship and felt it that it

> > was impossible that I could now have a good and happy life outside our

> > relationship (she thinks I am in denial - but in actual fact I do - as a

> > result of plenty of therapy). Instead she feels that is me continuing to

> > shut her out.

> > >

> > > The kicker though was when she said to me that being my mother had been

> > the most terrible experience of her life! Wow. This is a woman who was

> > abandoned by her parents, reclaimed and then sexually, emotionally and

> > physically assaulted by her step father etc. And parenting me, who was like

> > a shut down mouse as a child, was the worst experience of her life!

> > >

> > > I feel extraordinarily lucky to have discovered BPD and this board before

> > I met with her yesterday. Otherwise I would have doubted my experience all

> > over again. But knowing about BPD and having read so many of your stories,

> > while I am extraordinarily sad that I have definite proof of her incapacity

> > to love me, I do at least know at last that she is mad, not me.

> > >

> > > So thanks for being here!

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

You asked, " does the LC/NC help? " - Well, since our moms and dads don't really

get any better, and we aren't really going to get the parents we wanted or

deserved, I'd say LC and NC are just about our equivalent of the " gold standard "

for life quality as it concerns our parents and our ability to life a free

adult life.

The process of deciding to reduce or eliminate contact is painful and requires a

re-examination of everything we were told, everything we were taught to believe

about our parents and ourselves. So getting to LC or NC is not easy. But the

end result is that we are stronger and finally - FINALLY - able to stand up to

our parents.

Not everybody will decide to do this. Some of us cut off all contact, many of

us maintain the amount of contact we think we can stand, or the amount we are

obliged to maintain due to our parents age or infirmity, financial constraints,

or our own sense of ethics. I think the important point is that we can decide

how much contact to have. WE get to make the choice. We don't have to cave in

to Nada's or Fada's demands or cater to their whims every time. That in itself

is a complete re-definition of who we are and how we relate to our world, and I

think that's huge.

So never say 'never' - you may choose to maintain contact now, but if your BPD

parent gets worse with age, you have the power to change your mind and choose

some form of LC or NC for yourself. Being able to make that choice is what is

so important.

> > > >

> > > > Hi,

> > > >

> > > > I don't post often but don't really have a chance to share this without

> > > people who'd understand in 'real life'. So, I'd been non-contact with Nada

> > > for 8 months. She doesn't have a formal diagnosis and I had only come

across

> > > BPD after I stopped contact. She doesn't really have anyone else in her

life

> > > (having cut so many people off) and has a history of being pretty

> > > emotionally unstable and making bad choices (not surprisingly). So I sent

> > > her a letter honestly out lining my experience as her daughter and the

> > > boundaries I would require to re-establish a relationship. I invited her

to

> > > lunch (out, on neutral territory). She accepted and we met yesterday.

> > > >

> > > > I won't bore you with the details of the 2 hours she spent telling me

> > > what a horrible person I was, but needless to say she denied and dismissed

> > > all my feelings and my experience of our relationship and felt it that it

> > > was impossible that I could now have a good and happy life outside our

> > > relationship (she thinks I am in denial - but in actual fact I do - as a

> > > result of plenty of therapy). Instead she feels that is me continuing to

> > > shut her out.

> > > >

> > > > The kicker though was when she said to me that being my mother had been

> > > the most terrible experience of her life! Wow. This is a woman who was

> > > abandoned by her parents, reclaimed and then sexually, emotionally and

> > > physically assaulted by her step father etc. And parenting me, who was

like

> > > a shut down mouse as a child, was the worst experience of her life!

> > > >

> > > > I feel extraordinarily lucky to have discovered BPD and this board

before

> > > I met with her yesterday. Otherwise I would have doubted my experience all

> > > over again. But knowing about BPD and having read so many of your stories,

> > > while I am extraordinarily sad that I have definite proof of her

incapacity

> > > to love me, I do at least know at last that she is mad, not me.

> > > >

> > > > So thanks for being here!

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I dont see any options other than NC. For the years I knew my mother I was

miserable, always crying, upset and hurt. I finally realized I had a choice.

On Sun, Aug 7, 2011 at 2:16 PM, shirleyspawn wrote:

> **

>

>

> You asked, " does the LC/NC help? " - Well, since our moms and dads don't

> really get any better, and we aren't really going to get the parents we

> wanted or deserved, I'd say LC and NC are just about our equivalent of the

> " gold standard " for life quality as it concerns our parents and our ability

> to life a free adult life.

>

> The process of deciding to reduce or eliminate contact is painful and

> requires a re-examination of everything we were told, everything we were

> taught to believe about our parents and ourselves. So getting to LC or NC is

> not easy. But the end result is that we are stronger and finally - FINALLY -

> able to stand up to our parents.

>

> Not everybody will decide to do this. Some of us cut off all contact, many

> of us maintain the amount of contact we think we can stand, or the amount we

> are obliged to maintain due to our parents age or infirmity, financial

> constraints, or our own sense of ethics. I think the important point is that

> we can decide how much contact to have. WE get to make the choice. We don't

> have to cave in to Nada's or Fada's demands or cater to t oheir whims every

> time. That in itself is a complete re-definition of who we are and how we

> relate to our world, and I think that's huge.

>

> So never say 'never' - you may choose to maintain contact now, but if your

> BPD parent gets worse with age, you have the power to change your mind and

> choose some form of LC or NC for yourself. Being able to make that choice is

> what is so important.

>

>

>

>

> > > > >

> > > > > Hi,

> > > > >

> > > > > I don't post often but don't really have a chance to share this

> without

> > > > people who'd understand in 'real life'. So, I'd been non-contact with

> Nada

> > > > for 8 months. She doesn't have a formal diagnosis and I had only come

> across

> > > > BPD after I stopped contact. She doesn't really have anyone else in

> her life

> > > > (having cut so many people off) and has a history of being pretty

> > > > emotionally unstable and making bad choices (not surprisingly). So I

> sent

> > > > her a letter honestly out lining my experience as her daughter and

> the

> > > > boundaries I would require to re-establish a relationship. I invited

> her to

> > > > lunch (out, on neutral territory). She accepted and we met yesterday.

> > > > >

> > > > > I won't bore you with the details of the 2 hours she spent telling

> me

> > > > what a horrible person I was, but needless to say she denied and

> dismissed

> > > > all my feelings and my experience of our relationship and felt it

> that it

> > > > was impossible that I could now have a good and happy life outside

> our

> > > > relationship (she thinks I am in denial - but in actual fact I do -

> as a

> > > > result of plenty of therapy). Instead she feels that is me continuing

> to

> > > > shut her out.

> > > > >

> > > > > The kicker though was when she said to me that being my mother had

> been

> > > > the most terrible experience of her life! Wow. This is a woman who

> was

> > > > abandoned by her parents, reclaimed and then sexually, emotionally

> and

> > > > physically assaulted by her step father etc. And parenting me, who

> was like

> > > > a shut down mouse as a child, was the worst experience of her life!

> > > > >

> > > > > I feel extraordinarily lucky to have discovered BPD and this board

> before

> > > > I met with her yesterday. Otherwise I would have doubted my

> experience all

> > > > over again. But knowing about BPD and having read so many of your

> stories,

> > > > while I am extraordinarily sad that I have definite proof of her

> incapacity

> > > > to love me, I do at least know at last that she is mad, not me.

> > > > >

> > > > > So thanks for being here!

> > > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Thank you all for your responses and confirming it was awful. My tendency is to

continue to minimize the things nada says and but this time, every now and again

since the other day, my brain has gone " oh no you don't, that really was

horrendous! "

It was made all the more powerful by the fact that, just as with your experience

Lavender, it was just part of the conversation. There were not histrionics or

raised voices, it was just said as if it should be self evident (along with

numerous other horrible statements, delivered completely casually). I just kind

of nodded my head, and tried from time to time to say something to defend myself

- but words wouldn't come. Not in an emotional way, rather I just sat there

realising there was nothing left to say.

I have felt very emotional in the couple of days since though. I feel like I

finally have permission to accept that she is horrible. I don't have a single

happy memory attached to her from my childhood, not one. Finally I know that

that is real, it's not just " woe is me " thinking.

So I feel like I have finally given myself real permission to grieve. I feel

very sad for her too. She said she is going to grow old in the country

surrounded by cats and dogs and no people. I believe her.

Fiona, I hope your lunch goes well. Best of luck.

Lavender, going NC was the best thing I ever did. Except that for much of that

time I was really worried about Nada and if she was coping (my default feeling

for so long!) Turned out she traveled overseas, started renovating her apartment

etc. So she was doing fine. She has suggested LC going forward (because she is

sick of me 'calling the shots' - what?? when??) But I think I am going to tell

her I'm done, that I hope we can be civil if we see each other at family events

and that if she is ever in dire straights I'd be prepared to help (nada is not

someone to call on help - she'd much rather self sabotage by making poor

decisions, ensuring failure and then 'struggling through' and martyring herself

- so I don't anticipate that that offer will result in false 'emergencies', but

knowing that she has no one I'd be prepared to give her practical help down the

track if she needs it)

Lavender, I am so sorry your mother convinced you children ruin your life. I'm

not someone who believes that everyone needs to have children to have a

fulfilling life, but I am sorry both in terms of what that represents as her

message to you and I am sorry that that choice was (or at least may be) taken

from you. These people are so powerful and the damage they do is so great.

Anyway thanks to you all again.

> > > >

> > > > Hi,

> > > >

> > > > I don't post often but don't really have a chance to share this without

> > > people who'd understand in 'real life'. So, I'd been non-contact with Nada

> > > for 8 months. She doesn't have a formal diagnosis and I had only come

across

> > > BPD after I stopped contact. She doesn't really have anyone else in her

life

> > > (having cut so many people off) and has a history of being pretty

> > > emotionally unstable and making bad choices (not surprisingly). So I sent

> > > her a letter honestly out lining my experience as her daughter and the

> > > boundaries I would require to re-establish a relationship. I invited her

to

> > > lunch (out, on neutral territory). She accepted and we met yesterday.

> > > >

> > > > I won't bore you with the details of the 2 hours she spent telling me

> > > what a horrible person I was, but needless to say she denied and dismissed

> > > all my feelings and my experience of our relationship and felt it that it

> > > was impossible that I could now have a good and happy life outside our

> > > relationship (she thinks I am in denial - but in actual fact I do - as a

> > > result of plenty of therapy). Instead she feels that is me continuing to

> > > shut her out.

> > > >

> > > > The kicker though was when she said to me that being my mother had been

> > > the most terrible experience of her life! Wow. This is a woman who was

> > > abandoned by her parents, reclaimed and then sexually, emotionally and

> > > physically assaulted by her step father etc. And parenting me, who was

like

> > > a shut down mouse as a child, was the worst experience of her life!

> > > >

> > > > I feel extraordinarily lucky to have discovered BPD and this board

before

> > > I met with her yesterday. Otherwise I would have doubted my experience all

> > > over again. But knowing about BPD and having read so many of your stories,

> > > while I am extraordinarily sad that I have definite proof of her

incapacity

> > > to love me, I do at least know at last that she is mad, not me.

> > > >

> > > > So thanks for being here!

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

> The kicker though was when she said to me that being my mother had been the

most terrible experience of her life! Wow. This is a woman who was abandoned by

her parents, reclaimed and then sexually, emotionally and physically assaulted

by her step father etc. And parenting me, who was like a shut down mouse as a

child, was the worst experience of her life!

>

You know, lately, my DD5 has been saying everything is the best ever. " Daddy,

this omelette is the best thing I ever ate! " " Mommy, that's the best cake I ever

had! " " I love this show, it's the best show ever! " My DH was even making a

comment to me about it the other day; it's cute, and we know it's just her way

of trying to express her joy and satisfaction. Also, because of her age, what

she is feeling in that moment is going to eclipse any other memories of other

delicious omelettes or cakes or whatever was her favorite show last week.

As I read your post, I couldn't help but notice that similarity. People with BPD

are emotionally immature, and whatever they are feeling in the moment often

supersedes any other knowledge they have. I bet if your mom could have

remembered all those other difficulties she'd been through, she wouldn't have

said what she did. But she can't remember those things, because in the moment,

her frustration about what is happening with her relationship with you is the

only thing she can focus on. This weekend, I will make pancakes, and they will

be the best pancakes my DD ever had. Next month, she will have a new favorite

toy and forget about the one she's infatuated with right now. Your mother will

probably have something else that is the worst experience of her life, like a

rude cashier at the grocery store or something. She's just not mature enough to

be able to understand that her life is bigger than the moment in front of her.

I know that doesn't make it a less hurtful thing to hear, and she was wrong to

say it. But I hope it helps to think of it this way.

Sveta

[Guest guest]

Thank you Sveta, that is a lovely way of looking at it and I am sure you're

right to a certain extent. I am very, very comfortable with the fact that nada

has no way of controlling her emotions and she does, as you say, only have the

capacity to think about her emotions in the context of her current focus.

I do think too that to a certain extent she is right. The period of time when I

was a child was immensely stressful for her. She dragged herself (and my father,

his family and me) through a massive custody battle that last many years, she

found out her abusive father was actually her step father and that she was no

related to her siblings, she was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder,

she was very financially insecure, using drugs and alcohol on a daily basis etc.

It was truly an horrendous time in her life. But she sees all of that as

stemming from me and that is something she has always believed. I posted here a

while ago about finding all these drawings from when I was 4 or 5 of her with a

zig zag angry mouth and blazing eyes and me crying, with 'I love you mum'

written all around the edges of the pictures in the hope she would at some point

understand that I really, truely did. On the back of them she has scrawled all

these comments about me trying to shut her out of her life, of how ungrateful I

was etc. So this is a life long theme for her and one based in some reality -

just not the one she is choosing to attach to it!

> > The kicker though was when she said to me that being my mother had been the

most terrible experience of her life! Wow. This is a woman who was abandoned by

her parents, reclaimed and then sexually, emotionally and physically assaulted

by her step father etc. And parenting me, who was like a shut down mouse as a

child, was the worst experience of her life!

> >

>

> You know, lately, my DD5 has been saying everything is the best ever. " Daddy,

this omelette is the best thing I ever ate! " " Mommy, that's the best cake I ever

had! " " I love this show, it's the best show ever! " My DH was even making a

comment to me about it the other day; it's cute, and we know it's just her way

of trying to express her joy and satisfaction. Also, because of her age, what

she is feeling in that moment is going to eclipse any other memories of other

delicious omelettes or cakes or whatever was her favorite show last week.

>

> As I read your post, I couldn't help but notice that similarity. People with

BPD are emotionally immature, and whatever they are feeling in the moment often

supersedes any other knowledge they have. I bet if your mom could have

remembered all those other difficulties she'd been through, she wouldn't have

said what she did. But she can't remember those things, because in the moment,

her frustration about what is happening with her relationship with you is the

only thing she can focus on. This weekend, I will make pancakes, and they will

be the best pancakes my DD ever had. Next month, she will have a new favorite

toy and forget about the one she's infatuated with right now. Your mother will

probably have something else that is the worst experience of her life, like a

rude cashier at the grocery store or something. She's just not mature enough to

be able to understand that her life is bigger than the moment in front of her.

>

> I know that doesn't make it a less hurtful thing to hear, and she was wrong to

say it. But I hope it helps to think of it this way.

>

> Sveta

>