Guest guest Posted March 19, 2012 Report Share Posted March 19, 2012 Five weeks out from my wedding and 7 yrs NC with NADA she decides to create a fake facebook acct, send the message " congradulations [sic] " and then deactivate the acct. Fuck her for trying to make this about her. I don't want her congratulations. She also found our wedding registry and sent us $100. Really, NADA, because I had to put myself through college and therapy. What is your lousy $100 going to do for me now? I wish she'd sent me cash so I could rip it up and send it back to her. Spineless attention whore. So I sent out a mass email to NADA's family (two of them are BPD, too) and no one even has the gull to deny telling her about my wedding, instead they're ignoring me, like I'm the bad guy. I don't want any BPD drama at my wedding. I hope NADA's family doesn't show. I shouldn't have even invited them. But mark my words, if 7yr NC NADA shows up to my wedding I'm not hesitating on calling the cops. I dare her. I wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 19, 2012 Report Share Posted March 19, 2012 I wanted to say thank you to all of your for telling your stories. I had a pretty tough weekend re: nada and my wedding and was wavering on calling her until I read all of your stories and reminded myself that contacting her wont change a thing. My wedding is coming up in June and my nada is refusing to come. She is blaming me for her refusal saying that I am selfish for having a destination wedding that much of her family can't come to because its too far/too expensive (never mind the fact that some of my fiance's family is driving across the country to make it and one of my best friends is flying while very pregnant even though I'm sure she needs to be saving money for the baby). We had a long engagement too which was a poor idea...just spread out the drama! Whats worse is that my sisters are also making drama about my wedding and coming up with their own reasons not to come. Whats worse is that most of her family will likely not come because they fear her wrath. I feel like I have lost my entire family in this process. The only person I really talk to anymore is my dad. Nada has come up with this perfect story that makes it my fault that she wont come and that others wont come. I'm the bad guy here. I tried my wedding dress on for the first time yesturday and burst into tears because I had to let go of the dream that we would plan my wedding together and she would actually be happy for me. I go back and forth between being angry with her and feeling bad for her because I know why she is the way she is. I'm just rageful at my sisters though. They both agreed to be my maids of honor and they have been the worst supports ever. We dont even talk. I wish I could grieve them all and move on but something about this wedding coming up is making me nostalgic for family. > > Five weeks out from my wedding and 7 yrs NC with NADA she decides to create a fake facebook acct, send the message " congradulations [sic] " and then deactivate the acct. Fuck her for trying to make this about her. I don't want her congratulations. She also found our wedding registry and sent us $100. Really, NADA, because I had to put myself through college and therapy. What is your lousy $100 going to do for me now? I wish she'd sent me cash so I could rip it up and send it back to her. Spineless attention whore. So I sent out a mass email to NADA's family (two of them are BPD, too) and no one even has the gull to deny telling her about my wedding, instead they're ignoring me, like I'm the bad guy. I don't want any BPD drama at my wedding. I hope NADA's family doesn't show. I shouldn't have even invited them. But mark my words, if 7yr NC NADA shows up to my wedding I'm not hesitating on calling the cops. I dare her. > > I wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 20, 2012 Report Share Posted March 20, 2012 , I would always just say " Fine. " That drove her nuts. Like, crazy, screaming rages. The part that was particularly funny was that I never started to do it intentionally...it just came about on its own. As we all know, there is no reasoning with these people. > > > I look at the > > > > pictures from our wedding and it makes me cry. I just wanted ONE > > > > day - -just ONE day for her to let me be happy. > > > > Send instant messages to your online friends http://au.messenger.yahoo.com > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 20, 2012 Report Share Posted March 20, 2012 Sylvia, Your words ring very true. I also did not have nada at my wedding. We got married very far away, and paid for it ourselves. I told nada when it was and all that..and she just acted like she wasn't interested in any of it. I don't know how to explain it, it was a very strange experience. The thing that really burns me is that she didn't even call me on my wedding day. She said she never called because she couldn't figure out the time difference and " didn't want to interrupt my honeymoon " . Ugh. As the years go by, the stranger the whole thing seems. What really bothered me was that after the wedding she would put on a big happy show in front of friends and family about the whole thing, and even let them think she paid for it. She is a pathetic fake. A friend asked me what my nada got me for a wedding present. I had to think about it, because I could not remember. Then it came to me, she asked me what I wanted, and knowing what a cheap bitch she was, I said I always liked her coffee table. Well, she gave me her coffee table...for about a year. True to crazy nada form, she accused me of taking it later. Needless to say I gave it back to her. Me, the big bully thief and all that nonsense. I haven't seen nada in years, and honestly, I don't miss any of it. > > > > Oh, I'm really sorry. I can identify. My therapist warned me > > months in advance of my wedding that my nada was incapable of > > allowing me to have a day of my own, and that the only way for us > to > > have our ownwedding would be to elope/have something very small. > We > > did. It was very very hard for me (I made the mistake of trying > to > > involve my fada, who backed out of showing up at the very last > > minute) and I spent the weeks before enduring horrible phone calls > > and suicidal threats from my nada, who had found out with her > usual > > spying what was going on. I spent the day before and some of my > > honeymoon crying. With all of this, I KNOW that it would have > been > > a 100 times worse if I had invited her. > > > > I felt for a long time what you're feeling now. We had planned to > > have a huge reception a month or two after the date here where we > > live (family is a long way away), but I was so upset that my > father > > had promised to visit to attend such reception - in order to make > up > > for skipping my wedding - and then made it clear that he couldn't > > that I couldn't go through with it. Even this year, we didn't > > celebrate our one-year anniversary because the day had so many > > terrible memories for us. So my nada has succeeded in making me > > feel so bad that we never really celebrated our wedding, which is > > sad. But we do celebrate being married every day, and are very > very > > happy. > > > > Sara > ....... > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 20, 2012 Report Share Posted March 20, 2012 That's why it finally (finally! in my 50's!) registered with me that I had to physically leave my nada's presence when she was working herself up into a screaming rage, or when she was picking and picking at me. My mother WANTED TO RAGE AT ME, or she WANTED TO PICK A FIGHT WITH ME, just like a schoolyard bully!! Just being calm and trying to reason with her made her MORE ENRAGED, because I wasn't playing the game properly, I wasn't responding properly; her game was to goad, and prod and poke me until I felt compelled to defend myself. Then she felt she had an excuse or justification to really unleash her full wrath at me. It was something I'd seen her do mostly to dad, that poking and prodding with stinging little insults that gradually escalated into more and more outrageous insults and accusations, but after dad died nada started doing that to Sister and me more and more. All I can suppose is that that was my nada's version of communicating, or it was her version of exercising or her version of therapy (for herself): going batshit ballistic and dumping all her toxic emotional waste into a living human receptacle. It must have felt very cathartic to her, very pleasant. But it left me, the human receptacle feeling gut-punched, devastated and sick. That's why I totally understand if a KO decides that he or she needs to go No Contact, because that's what I had to do, eventually. It was the only way to protect myself from more of those hideous " emotional purge " episodes of hers that left me feeling actually physically ill. -Annie > > > > I look at the > > > > > pictures from our wedding and it makes me cry. I just wanted ONE > > > > > day - -just ONE day for her to let me be happy. > > > > > > Send instant messages to your online friends http://au.messenger.yahoo.com > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 20, 2012 Report Share Posted March 20, 2012 I completely sympathize with your situation right now. I was married in Dec of 2010 and I planned it in 2 months. I wanted to get married on our five year anniversary. My sisters and nada were not on talking terms and everyone was threatening not to show. Of course I was worried because my nada was in charge of the cake and desserts. After the ceremony (had small wedding approx 25 people) there was a champagne toast and everyone wanted pics with us and I looked around and nada was no where in sight. Needless to say, I have no ceremony pics with nada in them (she never really liked my husband). I later mentioned that to her and she said well I had to set up your cake. I thought of course it is my fault, why did I even bother. I held on to the hope that nada is finally going to snap out of it and be the nada figure I always wanted her to be for so long but that is not being fair to her or myself. The best advice that I can provide you is to make that day about you and your soon-to-be husband because that is the way it should be. The day goes by so fast and all of the months of planning, arranging, and anxiety come down to a couple of hours and once you say " I do " and kiss your husband nothing else seems to matter. You are starting your own family now. > > > > Five weeks out from my wedding and 7 yrs NC with NADA she decides to create a fake facebook acct, send the message " congradulations [sic] " and then deactivate the acct. Fuck her for trying to make this about her. I don't want her congratulations. She also found our wedding registry and sent us $100. Really, NADA, because I had to put myself through college and therapy. What is your lousy $100 going to do for me now? I wish she'd sent me cash so I could rip it up and send it back to her. Spineless attention whore. So I sent out a mass email to NADA's family (two of them are BPD, too) and no one even has the gull to deny telling her about my wedding, instead they're ignoring me, like I'm the bad guy. I don't want any BPD drama at my wedding. I hope NADA's family doesn't show. I shouldn't have even invited them. But mark my words, if 7yr NC NADA shows up to my wedding I'm not hesitating on calling the cops. I dare her. > > > > I wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 20, 2012 Report Share Posted March 20, 2012 I feel like I have lost my entire family in this process. Sounds to me more like you never had much of a family to begin with. It's really hard grieving the family we never had...I know you wish you had a mom you could be close to. But it's not your fault the woman who raised you isn't capable of that...you're NOT the bad guy. Ever read about enmeshment? People think they've been " happy " and " close " and " best friends " until they get a mind of their own and refuse to do everything according to the nada's wishes...Then all hellfire rains down on them for such an egregious act as being a separate person... Sveta Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 20, 2012 Report Share Posted March 20, 2012 I don't want any BPD drama at my wedding. I hope NADA's family doesn't show. I shouldn't have even invited them. But mark my words, if 7yr NC NADA shows up to my wedding I'm not hesitating on calling the cops. I dare her. > > I wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire. > I can understand why you're feeling angry. That is downright intrusive of her...sneaking around your boundaries like that. I'd be mad too (and probably also having a panic attack! LOL). I'm glad you have a plan in case she shows up. Plan can also apply to flying monkeys...do you have any big strong friends, or can you hire an off-duty officer to be a bouncer? Sveta Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 20, 2012 Report Share Posted March 20, 2012 My Nada was not at my wedding either. As a workaholic she was under a deadline that she had to meet, and if she came she would have lost money. I have understanding and empathy about my parent's financial situation which always seems to be in more turmoil than any other people I have ever known. Mostly really poor business decisions, and the fact that they are enmeshed in a career that has been going downhill for years, and rather than changing they have hung on like stubborn bulldogs playing tug of war. However when I seemed disappointed that they were not coming, she began to pick a fight with me so that I would end up saying something that she could use against me, which I seem to always give her. This way she wouldn't have to feel guilty about not coming. She knows how to get what she wants from me and use it against me. You can never say anything to her because she always has the answer, or if she doesn't she pulls something out of the past that " relates " to what she is saying. This particular argument bought me several years of NC from her which she thought was a punishment for being a bad son, but for me was really a breath of fresh air. She pulled the same crap on my Brother, actually boycotting his wedding which was in the same town because she didn't approve of who he was marrying. I don't particularly care for my Brother's wife either, (I don't think she is a good match), but she's not a bad person. So after being so terrible to my Brother and his wife, and me and mine, when she hoovers us back she expects to be treated with respect by the two of us, and wants some kind of relationship with our wives. She wanted to go out for special lunches and such with my wife, and just expects that since she has started contact with us again, that it is some kind of reward and we should be SO very grateful for her " forgiveness. " Thank God we are back to LC again. This time she has more at stake since her Grandkids are involved and if she totally splits me again she will lose contact with them. What I don't understand is how our Nadas can't see how crazy they are? Its like they are going around waving a bright red flag but in their heads they are totally convinced it's yellow. > > > Sylvia, > > Your words ring very true. I also did not have nada at my wedding. We got married very far away, and paid for it ourselves. I told nada when it was and all that..and she just acted like she wasn't interested in any of it. I don't know how to explain it, it was a very strange experience. The thing that really burns me is that she didn't even call me on my wedding day. She said she never called because she couldn't figure out the time difference and " didn't want to interrupt my honeymoon " . Ugh. As the years go by, the stranger the whole thing seems. > > What really bothered me was that after the wedding she would put on a big happy show in front of friends and family about the whole thing, and even let them think she paid for it. She is a pathetic fake. > > A friend asked me what my nada got me for a wedding present. I had to think about it, because I could not remember. Then it came to me, she asked me what I wanted, and knowing what a cheap bitch she was, I said I always liked her coffee table. Well, she gave me her coffee table...for about a year. True to crazy nada form, she accused me of taking it later. Needless to say I gave it back to her. Me, the big bully thief and all that nonsense. > > I haven't seen nada in years, and honestly, I don't miss any of it. > > > > > > > > Oh, I'm really sorry. I can identify. My therapist warned me > > > months in advance of my wedding that my nada was incapable of > > > allowing me to have a day of my own, and that the only way for us > > to > > > have our ownwedding would be to elope/have something very small. > > We > > > did. It was very very hard for me (I made the mistake of trying > > to > > > involve my fada, who backed out of showing up at the very last > > > minute) and I spent the weeks before enduring horrible phone calls > > > and suicidal threats from my nada, who had found out with her > > usual > > > spying what was going on. I spent the day before and some of my > > > honeymoon crying. With all of this, I KNOW that it would have > > been > > > a 100 times worse if I had invited her. > > > > > > I felt for a long time what you're feeling now. We had planned to > > > have a huge reception a month or two after the date here where we > > > live (family is a long way away), but I was so upset that my > > father > > > had promised to visit to attend such reception - in order to make > > up > > > for skipping my wedding - and then made it clear that he couldn't > > > that I couldn't go through with it. Even this year, we didn't > > > celebrate our one-year anniversary because the day had so many > > > terrible memories for us. So my nada has succeeded in making me > > > feel so bad that we never really celebrated our wedding, which is > > > sad. But we do celebrate being married every day, and are very > > very > > > happy. > > > > > > Sara > > ....... > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 21, 2012 Report Share Posted March 21, 2012 Dani, I feel the same way. Her behavior is obviously a way to make you upset... it has nothing to do with trying to make you happy. Like you said, she is trying to make it about her. Ughhhhh I get so infuriated just thinking about this! > > Five weeks out from my wedding and 7 yrs NC with NADA she decides to create a fake facebook acct, send the message " congradulations [sic] " and then deactivate the acct. Fuck her for trying to make this about her. I don't want her congratulations. She also found our wedding registry and sent us $100. Really, NADA, because I had to put myself through college and therapy. What is your lousy $100 going to do for me now? I wish she'd sent me cash so I could rip it up and send it back to her. Spineless attention whore. So I sent out a mass email to NADA's family (two of them are BPD, too) and no one even has the gull to deny telling her about my wedding, instead they're ignoring me, like I'm the bad guy. I don't want any BPD drama at my wedding. I hope NADA's family doesn't show. I shouldn't have even invited them. But mark my words, if 7yr NC NADA shows up to my wedding I'm not hesitating on calling the cops. I dare her. > > I wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 21, 2012 Report Share Posted March 21, 2012 I am so sorry that you are going through this difficult time when it should be such a happy moment. Truthfully, all weddings are stressful, but with a nada they multiply the stress to 100! First, don't worry about what anyone else THINKS you should do for your wedding. Its about you and your soon to be husband. No one else. If you want to have skull and bones in your reception hall and have the priest dress in black and wear a wig, DO IT! its your day and no one else. The people that love you will know that and respect that. Second, your sisters sound like they are your nada's flying monkeys. Don't allow them to ruin your day. If they cant be there for you without their incessant need to control the situation and your feelings, then its best that you remove yourself from them, especially on your wedding day. Don't dwell on how things " should be " and focus on how things are. Yes, it would be nice to have a wonderful mom give you awesome advice and cry as you try on your wedding dress but that is not the way it is. I had a nada who almost ruined my wedding with her controlling ways and we even got into a heated arguement the night before my wedding. Now I am not even on speaking terms. trust me, its a blessing that your nada is not involved. She will ruin everything, including your marriage. Focus on starting your lives together, regardless of who is there to share it. AJ > > > > Five weeks out from my wedding and 7 yrs NC with NADA she decides to create a fake facebook acct, send the message " congradulations [sic] " and then deactivate the acct. Fuck her for trying to make this about her. I don't want her congratulations. She also found our wedding registry and sent us $100. Really, NADA, because I had to put myself through college and therapy. What is your lousy $100 going to do for me now? I wish she'd sent me cash so I could rip it up and send it back to her. Spineless attention whore. So I sent out a mass email to NADA's family (two of them are BPD, too) and no one even has the gull to deny telling her about my wedding, instead they're ignoring me, like I'm the bad guy. I don't want any BPD drama at my wedding. I hope NADA's family doesn't show. I shouldn't have even invited them. But mark my words, if 7yr NC NADA shows up to my wedding I'm not hesitating on calling the cops. I dare her. > > > > I wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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