What do you tell other people?

[Guest guest]

Hi,

I wanted to know what you tell other people about the family situation?

i.e. I am NC with nada/fada and LC/maybe NC with my g-ma and because of this NC

with two of my sisters (I have three but the youngest one comes and goes). My

close friends know the situation but my outer circle of

friends/acquaintances/work colleagues etc, don't. A mixture of privacy and being

completely embarrassed by it all.

So, when people casually ask questions like, what did you do for xmas? (I spent

it by myself) or mothers day (It was yesterday and someone asked me this

morning)or other perfectly normal, how are things type questions, I don't know

what to say!!

I usually lie and say it was great, family is great etc but I hate doing this

because it's exactly what she does, pretends it's all happy families for the

outside world, and I don't want to lie. But I also don't want every tom, dick

and harry knowing what's going on!

Thanks

[Guest guest]

I started to be very forward with friends and tell them that my mother has 

severed BPD and I am NC with her because its just too hard and destructive. I am

FINALLY becoming honest to everyone around me because for years I would lie

about time I would spend with my mom and not bring up how verbally abusive she

was to me. Funny enough, there has not been ONE friend, i repeat, ONE friend

who was suprised to hear that I have finally come to my senses and I am not

speaking to her anymore. Each friend has asked how I have lasted 44 years with

her.. The last couple of months I have been as open as a book to people and

everyone has been receptive and NOT shocked.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Monday, March 19, 2012 11:59 AM

Subject: What do you tell other people?

 

Hi,

I wanted to know what you tell other people about the family situation?

i.e. I am NC with nada/fada and LC/maybe NC with my g-ma and because of this NC

with two of my sisters (I have three but the youngest one comes and goes). My

close friends know the situation but my outer circle of

friends/acquaintances/work colleagues etc, don't. A mixture of privacy and being

completely embarrassed by it all.

So, when people casually ask questions like, what did you do for xmas? (I spent

it by myself) or mothers day (It was yesterday and someone asked me this

morning)or other perfectly normal, how are things type questions, I don't know

what to say!!

I usually lie and say it was great, family is great etc but I hate doing this

because it's exactly what she does, pretends it's all happy families for the

outside world, and I don't want to lie. But I also don't want every tom, dick

and harry knowing what's going on!

Thanks

[Guest guest]

The way I think about this, is that when casual friends, acquaintances, and work

colleagues greet me with a question like, " How are you? " or " How's your family? "

they're only making polite conversation. A casual response is called for, like

" I'm fine, and how are you? "

If I'm asked something seemingly more specific, like " What did you do for

Mother's Day? " I think its OK to be just rather general or vague, because

*they're just making polite conversation.* They're not really asking for

specifics. So when my nada was still alive, I'd say something like: " Oh, you

know. The usual. And what did you do for Mother's Day? "

Me personally, I don't consider that lying. I don't feel compelled or obliged

to give out blunt, personal, intimate information to just anyone who asks.

There are subjects and levels of intimacy that are suitable for casual

conversations with casual acquaintances, and there are personal matters that are

not suitable for casual conversation.

But that's just my own personal opinion and take on it; each of us must figure

out what we are personally comfortable with sharing. I don't think there is a

" best " or " only " way to handle this kind of thing, and to me its not a question

of shame, or a question of lying, its just an issue of suitability.

-Annie

>

> Hi,

>

> I wanted to know what you tell other people about the family situation?

> i.e. I am NC with nada/fada and LC/maybe NC with my g-ma and because of this

NC with two of my sisters (I have three but the youngest one comes and goes). My

close friends know the situation but my outer circle of

friends/acquaintances/work colleagues etc, don't. A mixture of privacy and being

completely embarrassed by it all.

> So, when people casually ask questions like, what did you do for xmas? (I

spent it by myself) or mothers day (It was yesterday and someone asked me this

morning)or other perfectly normal, how are things type questions, I don't know

what to say!!

> I usually lie and say it was great, family is great etc but I hate doing this

because it's exactly what she does, pretends it's all happy families for the

outside world, and I don't want to lie. But I also don't want every tom, dick

and harry knowing what's going on!

>

> Thanks

>

[Guest guest]

My take on this is that there's nothing wrong with saying you

spent the day alone if you feel like giving an answer at all.

There's nothing wrong with not spending any particular holiday

with your relatives. Lots of people don't spend holidays with

relatives for various reasons that have nothing to do with

mental illness. There's nothing terrible or unusual about it.

You can say something like " I had a nice relaxing day at home "

or " I didn't do anything special " and leave it go at that.

People who aren't close friends aren't entitled to a detailed

account of our lives. It is okay not to tell them anything at

all. Sometimes having spent so many years dealing with a nada

and/or fada distorts our view of normal interactions of this

sort, making it easy to forget that we don't need to answer

questions, especially when they're really more about people

being sociable rather than having any particular concern about

the topic.

At 11:59 AM 03/19/2012 hippodish wrote:

>Hi,

>

>I wanted to know what you tell other people about the family

>situation?

>i.e. I am NC with nada/fada and LC/maybe NC with my g-ma and

>because of this NC with two of my sisters (I have three but the

>youngest one comes and goes). My close friends know the

>situation but my outer circle of friends/acquaintances/work

>colleagues etc, don't. A mixture of privacy and being

>completely embarrassed by it all.

>So, when people casually ask questions like, what did you do

>for xmas? (I spent it by myself) or mothers day (It was

>yesterday and someone asked me this morning)or other perfectly

>normal, how are things type questions, I don't know what to

>say!!

>I usually lie and say it was great, family is great etc but I

>hate doing this because it's exactly what she does, pretends

>it's all happy families for the outside world, and I don't want

>to lie. But I also don't want every tom, dick and harry knowing

>what's going on!

>

>Thanks

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

I second this response. I do the exact same thing. I usually just make polite

conversation and say " oh they are fine. How are you? Hows your sister feeling? "

and throw it back on them. People usually love to talk about themselves so I

just ask about something going on in their lives. " So your sister in law had her

baby yet? " " When are you guys moving? " " How old is your son now? Wow he is

getting so big! "

I only tell the truth to the people that I am close to because I feel like they

are the only people that really care and that wont judge me. The world judges

people who don't have relationships with their parents so I try to avoid the

judgement and the drama.

AJ

>

> Hi,

>

> I wanted to know what you tell other people about the family situation?

> i.e. I am NC with nada/fada and LC/maybe NC with my g-ma and because of this

NC with two of my sisters (I have three but the youngest one comes and goes). My

close friends know the situation but my outer circle of

friends/acquaintances/work colleagues etc, don't. A mixture of privacy and being

completely embarrassed by it all.

> So, when people casually ask questions like, what did you do for xmas? (I

spent it by myself) or mothers day (It was yesterday and someone asked me this

morning)or other perfectly normal, how are things type questions, I don't know

what to say!!

> I usually lie and say it was great, family is great etc but I hate doing this

because it's exactly what she does, pretends it's all happy families for the

outside world, and I don't want to lie. But I also don't want every tom, dick

and harry knowing what's going on!

>

> Thanks

>

[Guest guest]

The way I think about this, is that when casual friends, acquaintances, and

work colleagues greet me with a question like, " How are you? " or " How's your

family? " they're only making polite conversation. A casual response is called

for, like " I'm fine, and how are you? "

Yes, this. ^^^ Exactly that.

People are just making small talk...most of them usually don't really care about

all the details and would much rather talk about themselves. Like Annie, I try

to reflect the question back as quickly as possible if I don't really want to go

into it. Having been raised to have absolutely zero boundaries or sense that we

have a right to say " no, " it often takes us KOs a while to figure out that we

don't owe everyone an answer to every question every time.

Stayed home by yourself for Xmas? How about, " I had a nice, quiet, peaceful

holiday at home. You? "

Someone asks about your parents and you're NC? " Haven't talked to them in a

while. I bet they would love hearing from you. "

Other stock answers I use re: my parents:

" We're not close; "

" We don't see them often; "

" No, she's not coming to help with the baby. "

" I had a lovely mother's day. The kids all made me cards at school. "

" Do people really go home for Easter? "

" I don't know how they are, but they've always been in terrible health, so I'm

guessing not well. I haven't spoken to them in a year because they're abusive,

intrusive, and mentally ill, they were trying to use and manipulate my children

and me, and they had no interest in working on things. " (<<--clearly not for the

clerk at the grocer's LOL..that one's for " real " friends that I can have

looser boundaries with.)

Sveta

[Guest guest]

I’m new to this group and I’m already feeling like I’m not alone! I’m

soooo glad you brought this up. I’ve often thought the same thing but since

I’ve never met anyone who can relate to my experiences with my BP mom, I just

keep these thoughts to myself. Now as an adult and a mother myself I realize

more and more how much I missed out on as a child and feel worse during the

holidays now that I have kids. I’d never do to my kids what my mother did to

me. The holidays are especially hard because now that I have kids it pains me

more to see my mom isn’t interested or excited about being with my kids and

participating in watching them open gifts and such. If it’s not about her

then she’s not too excited about it.

As for what I say in situations when people ask how my holiday went... I really

just keep it simple because I don’t want to burden people that aren’t close

with the drama that is my relationship with my mother. They are just making

conversation and not asking to be dumped on with my issues. So I just say, it

was nice... or had a great time which in a way I’m not lying because when I

put aside the pain that my mom didn’t make an effort to visit but think of the

good things, like having my hubby with me to watch the excitement of the kids

opening their presents.. so yeah it was great. I also don’t tell people the

truth because in telling them it brings me back to feeling sorry for myself...

it brings me back to feeling sad, it reminds me yet again that I don’t have

the mom I wished I had...that I missed out. So I vent to my husband and best

friend and then just try to close that box so I don’t relive the feelings of

sadness over and over again by telling people time and time again the truth as

to how my holidays went... because there is nothing I can do about my mom.

She’s not going to change and I can only change ME and how I react to her.

She doesn’t rule my life.

From: Meredith Paley

Sent: Monday, March 19, 2012 12:13 PM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: What do you tell other people?

I started to be very forward with friends and tell them that my mother has

severed BPD and I am NC with her because its just too hard and destructive. I am

FINALLY becoming honest to everyone around me because for years I would lie

about time I would spend with my mom and not bring up how verbally abusive she

was to me. Funny enough, there has not been ONE friend, i repeat, ONE friend who

was suprised to hear that I have finally come to my senses and I am not speaking

to her anymore. Each friend has asked how I have lasted 44 years with her.. The

last couple of months I have been as open as a book to people and everyone has

been receptive and NOT shocked.

________________________________

From: hippodish <mailto:saucyunderwear%40hotmail.com>

To: mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com

Sent: Monday, March 19, 2012 11:59 AM

Subject: What do you tell other people?

Hi,

I wanted to know what you tell other people about the family situation?

i.e. I am NC with nada/fada and LC/maybe NC with my g-ma and because of this NC

with two of my sisters (I have three but the youngest one comes and goes). My

close friends know the situation but my outer circle of

friends/acquaintances/work colleagues etc, don't. A mixture of privacy and being

completely embarrassed by it all.

So, when people casually ask questions like, what did you do for xmas? (I spent

it by myself) or mothers day (It was yesterday and someone asked me this

morning)or other perfectly normal, how are things type questions, I don't know

what to say!!

I usually lie and say it was great, family is great etc but I hate doing this

because it's exactly what she does, pretends it's all happy families for the

outside world, and I don't want to lie. But I also don't want every tom, dick

and harry knowing what's going on!

Thanks

[Guest guest]

I agree with everyone who said it's just small talk, you can fudge your way out

of those questions.

But, I completely get your point about not lying because that's what your nada

does. Everyone thinks my family is perfect and my nada and fada are the nicest

etc. I HATE perpetuating that myth, and I hate that it protects them. I feel

muzzled because they're always paranoid about what I'll tell people about them,

like I have no ownership or right to my own experience.

>

> Hi,

>

> I wanted to know what you tell other people about the family situation?

> i.e. I am NC with nada/fada and LC/maybe NC with my g-ma and because of this

NC with two of my sisters (I have three but the youngest one comes and goes). My

close friends know the situation but my outer circle of

friends/acquaintances/work colleagues etc, don't. A mixture of privacy and being

completely embarrassed by it all.

> So, when people casually ask questions like, what did you do for xmas? (I

spent it by myself) or mothers day (It was yesterday and someone asked me this

morning)or other perfectly normal, how are things type questions, I don't know

what to say!!

> I usually lie and say it was great, family is great etc but I hate doing this

because it's exactly what she does, pretends it's all happy families for the

outside world, and I don't want to lie. But I also don't want every tom, dick

and harry knowing what's going on!

>

> Thanks

>

[Guest guest]

I get where you are coming from--the feeling muzzled bit. Long before finding

out the BPD stuff about my mom, I was in therapy and one of the things I decided

to change about myself was to stop being dishonest about anything. Since I

perceived mom as dishonest, I tried to distance myself from her by spending a

whole year being completely honest. It was very difficult socially, especially

when I wasn't looking for questions from others or even their sympathy. I just

didn't want to lie.

Spending the holiday NC with my parents became " I had a nice and quiet holiday. "

or " I went skiing " or " Laid on a beach " or " Did volunteer service " These

activities rarely brought the questions about extended family that I did not

wish to discuss.

Of course there we other situations during my 'year of living honestly' where I

did relay more information to strangers than I normally would feel comfortable

doing. I tried to think of these times as good challenges. If questions came up

I was not comfortable with, I would politely and firmly tell the

stranger/acquaintance the didn't know my situation and should just keep their

opinions to themselves.

> >

> > Hi,

> >

> > I wanted to know what you tell other people about the family situation?

> > i.e. I am NC with nada/fada and LC/maybe NC with my g-ma and because of this

NC with two of my sisters (I have three but the youngest one comes and goes). My

close friends know the situation but my outer circle of

friends/acquaintances/work colleagues etc, don't. A mixture of privacy and being

completely embarrassed by it all.

> > So, when people casually ask questions like, what did you do for xmas? (I

spent it by myself) or mothers day (It was yesterday and someone asked me this

morning)or other perfectly normal, how are things type questions, I don't know

what to say!!

> > I usually lie and say it was great, family is great etc but I hate doing

this because it's exactly what she does, pretends it's all happy families for

the outside world, and I don't want to lie. But I also don't want every tom,

dick and harry knowing what's going on!

> >

> > Thanks

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I have been NC with my nada for 4 months and just recently opened up to my close

friends about my situation. Everyone has been sympathetic toward me which has

allowed me to fully begin to process and release the pain I've held all these

years. Before opening up and telling the truth about her to others, I found

myself residing in a place where I still felt some responsibility for not being

the person my nada wanted me to be. Now, I have cracked that misperception wide

open, am embracing my own true self and moving on...

>

> I started to be very forward with friends and tell them that my mother hasÂ

severed BPD and I am NC with her because its just too hard and destructive. I am

FINALLY becoming honest to everyone around me because for years I would lie

about time I would spend with my mom and not bring up how verbally abusive she

was to me. Funny enough, there has not been ONE friend, i repeat, ONEÂ friend

who was suprised to hear that I have finally come to my senses and I am not

speaking to her anymore. Each friend has asked how I have lasted 44 years with

her.. The last couple of months I have been as open as a book to people and

everyone has been receptive and NOT shocked.

>

>

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Monday, March 19, 2012 11:59 AM

> Subject: What do you tell other people?

>

>

> Â

> Hi,

>

> I wanted to know what you tell other people about the family situation?

> i.e. I am NC with nada/fada and LC/maybe NC with my g-ma and because of this

NC with two of my sisters (I have three but the youngest one comes and goes). My

close friends know the situation but my outer circle of

friends/acquaintances/work colleagues etc, don't. A mixture of privacy and being

completely embarrassed by it all.

> So, when people casually ask questions like, what did you do for xmas? (I

spent it by myself) or mothers day (It was yesterday and someone asked me this

morning)or other perfectly normal, how are things type questions, I don't know

what to say!!

> I usually lie and say it was great, family is great etc but I hate doing this

because it's exactly what she does, pretends it's all happy families for the

outside world, and I don't want to lie. But I also don't want every tom, dick

and harry knowing what's going on!

>

> Thanks

>

>

>

>

>