What to do when others believe the smear campaigns....

March 19, 2012

I'm having a pretty easy time, actually, accepting that my Nada (how do I love

that term, let me count the ways) is BPD, beginning to see more and more of the

behaviors that I thought were normal in my childhood and teenage years, and

coming to grips with the splitting and the fact that there's no reason for me to

internalize it. Of course, I know it will be a long time and a lot of therapy

before I actually accomplish those things.

But my current issue is this.... when my second daughter was born in Jan '12,

my Nada was here. For the past several years she has been able to more or less

behave herself in my home and genuinely wants to be a grandmother to my

children. However, when she was here, she went into a rage, verbally abusing me

at 4 days post partum in front of my 2 year old toddler who afterwards didn't

want to come back to our house from her babysitter's because she was scared (and

I have a fearless little girl so this was beyond the pale). Anyway, we sent her

back to Georgia with an entreaty to my family there to help her which launched

the most angry, vitrolic, hateful smear campaign against my husband and me

imaginable. I can deal with that. I don't have to be in contact with her or

let her have a relationship with my children, and I'm coming to terms with that.

However, I'm reeeeaaalllllyyyy having a horrible time with the destruction of my

relationship with my grandmother. My grandmother was my best friend growing up,

and we've always been close until the last year or so. My nada has successfully

campaigned against me and now my grandmother is buying that my nada's mental

illness and her behavior as a result of that illness is all MY fault because I'm

so disrespectful.

Well, my mother's rage I at least understand, even if it's still hurtful. I

do not understand at all how my grandmother can honestly believe that I am the

person that my mother has made me out to be, and it's awful. Even though I know

that defending myself only makes it worse, I absolutely am not going to eat crow

on anything that happened in January because if I do all it will do is justify

my nada's behavior in their eyes. I don't want to cut my grandmother out of

our lives. But I am completely lost about how to go about repairing the damage

that my nada has done with her lies.

I am exhausted. Just mentally and physically exhausted by all of this. I

know you all know what I mean.

March 20, 2012

Hi Mandi,

I am really sorry to hear about what your nada is doing. I have definitely been

there. During the latest fiasco with my nada, she has been hard at work turning

anyone who will listen against me. I'm relatively confident that much of her

family will not come to my upcoming wedding in part because of her smear

campaign. In working through this with my therapist, I am beginning to realize

that, conscious or unconscious, people close to our nadas choose to " believe "

her because it keeps them from falling victim to her wrath. There is no way that

someone close to your nada would not know on some level that there has been

something wrong with her for much longer than you becamse the " bad " daughter.

They also probably have a sense of what it would be like to be on the recieving

end of such behavior so its easier for them to go along with what she is saying

(again, consciously or unconsciously). I don't know if this is true but it makes

sense to me and has been helping me to accept the fact that when my relationship

with nada went south, so did many relationships I had with members of her

family. I hope my take on this is of some help to you. Please remember that this

is not your fault and we are not responsible for our nada's mistaken take on the

world.

Best to you,

Tucket

>

> I'm having a pretty easy time, actually, accepting that my Nada (how do I love

that term, let me count the ways) is BPD, beginning to see more and more of the

behaviors that I thought were normal in my childhood and teenage years, and

coming to grips with the splitting and the fact that there's no reason for me to

internalize it. Of course, I know it will be a long time and a lot of therapy

before I actually accomplish those things.

>

> But my current issue is this.... when my second daughter was born in Jan

'12, my Nada was here. For the past several years she has been able to more or

less behave herself in my home and genuinely wants to be a grandmother to my