Death Issues

August 7, 2011

Have any of you gone through the death of your bpd parent/family member? My

fada is critically ill and his mental faculties have rapidly diminished to

the point where the few moments of recognition/clarity he has are fleeting,

but precious. Why precious? Because he is not mentally cognizant enough to

" do " bpd stuff. His mind is not working at the level of functioning bpd

seems to require. It seems pretty obvious to me that their minds never stop

....always scheming, planning, worrying, manipulating, etc. That's all gone.

..and so I've gone from no contact to regular contact....and I'm being called

upon to make all the decisions for his medical care in the absence of his

ability to do so for himself. When there is time to do so, I consult my

mother (who I have limited access to now - you may recall my sister had

blocked my access to her) and keep my siblings informed and get input from

them - although so far my mom and siblings have agreed with and supported

all my decisions.

My sister (fada's other daughter - the one who moved them here and then

moved herself across the country and left me stuck holding the bag) has been

no contact for months and is having the hardest time dealing with Dad's

condition. Suddenly she's being all loving and concerned and involved - and

I resented it at first - but now I'm just filled with compassion. As I told

her today, we have both said our lives would be easier when he dies....we

have both loved and hated him and at times (most times after his pedestal

toppled) the hate has been the overriding emotion....but right now the love

is the overriding emotion and that's as it should be. This is what I told

her. I have told my siblings during all these 7 years of being primary

caregiver for the parents that I represent all of us when I walk into that

hospital - and so right now I'm helping my sister alleviate her guilt - just

as my husband and kids have helped me alleviate my own.

I'm rambling. I will probably start journaling through this process since

there are so many emotions involved. While I've said my life would be

easier when he dies, I didn't think of the implications or process of dying.

I did think about what would happen to my mother - but not emotionally -

just physically as in where she would live and how. My mom is not an

emotional or sensitive or affectionate person - and often times it appears

she doesn't love my dad very much. But thus is life with someone with bpd.

I have seen her cry more in this past week than in the past decade - because

she is filled with love for him and doesn't want him to suffer or be

degraded or humiliated (she was in a nursing home for one week and it

traumatized her) and ultimately she just wants him home and back to the way

things used to be. I'd investigated assisted living options and shared that

information with her this past week and thought I would be met with

resistance but she loved the idea. That was before we realized fully how

fragile and precarious my dad's condition is.

Basically, he has stopped eating. He's been in the hospital for about 2

months now, has had a recurrence of a severe intestinal infection (also

highly contagious), has been septic twice, only has one kidney which is

functioning at about 20%, no bladder, severe copd, congestive heart failure,

etc. He is in and out (mostly out now - and lapsing into what doctor called

semi-comatose state) and until this week he'd been making his own decisions.

When he'd be having a good day he'd want to live and do what's necessary -

but when he'd have a bad day, he'd give up and not cooperate with any

efforts. When the doctor approached him this past Weds. about putting in an

ng tube for feeding, he said, " Do what you need to do. " Then that night he

pulled it out (he'd been messing with it since it was put in - and when I

visited I had to keep telling him to leave it alone - and he actually had me

put more tape on it, so he was ok with it being there at that time). Once

he pulled it out, he refused re-insertion and was too weak to eat. However,

his mental capacity had diminished to the point where the doctor felt family

needed to be consulted. Long story made shorter, I was given the choice of

surgically inserting feeding tube into abdomen (temporary measure to nourish

him until he regained enough strength to eat again) or allowing him to

starve to death. He is DNR and I have no problem following his wishes - he

doesn't want any form of permanent life support - but temporary measures (as

in ventilator during and after surgery) are ok with him. My decision was to

consent to feeding tube. My mother and siblings were in total agreement.

Today I went to sign the consent forms and meet with surgeon. He presented

the option of IV nutrition (why wasn't that done first?????) and was very

reluctant to recommend the feeding tube because the risks are so high with

the other medical issues. For example, there has been concern for several

years that anytime my dad is anesthetized he must be put on ventilator, but

his lungs are in such bad shape that the risk is high that he may not be

able to breathe on his own again, putting me/us in situation of removing

life support. It really is a very complicated thing anytime he needs any

procedure done. But I was told this was his only option, and we were going

to take it. Thank God, there was another option.

So, don't I sound like the loving daughter with the normal family? Sure, I

have compassion for my dad - much as I would anyone in that condition. I

get very emotional when dealing with my mom or sister because I feel their

pain and distress. Personally, I have no guilt. I am prepared and if he

goes, I believe I can deal with it - not rejoice in it as I felt I might in

previous times - but not be overcome with grief or despair - or guilt. But

here is where the conflict comes - while I don't want him to suffer

needlessly (suffer in order to go on and fully recover, sure - but suffer

and still die, no), I am conflicted about what happens if he does pull

through this. He is nearer death than I have ever seen him. If he does not

regain mental function, he will have no quality of life. If he does regain

mental function, he will go back to being the bpd sob I can't expose myself

to anymore. Part of me...that unreasonable, fantasy, little girl part...

wants him to pull through and the bpd be gone and live a few more years of a

decent life surrounded with the love of his wife and children. Mostly, I

know this is a no win situation no matter how it goes.

My mom....my sister the narcissist who is staying with her...myself....and

to some lesser degree, my siblings...and most of all, my dad....are all in a

holding pattern until this resolves. And if it does resolve in favor of

recovery - to what end? Until the next infection, complication, or illness

that replays the scenario all over again - and keeps us in the holding

pattern....waiting for him to die....hoping he doesn't....hoping he does...

and feeling pretty selfish about making it all about me when he's the one

laying in that hospital bed.

When someone prays for his healing, in my mind I pray God's will instead -

fully admitting I have no clue what that is right now. I know that I want

either a swift and full recovery or a swift and painless death. I don't

want any of us, including him, to go through this much longer. It's hard...

it's painful....and while I do love him, I'm not suddenly filled with the

need for bedside vigils and being Daddy's baby and pouring out love and

affection over him. Yes, I want to let him know he's not alone - that I'm

here taking care of things - stuff like that. But the bottom line truth is

that I dread no matter what happens. I dread the call saying he's passed

away....or the call saying he's turned the corner toward recovery. And I

don't know what this says about me......and I'm hoping someone here can

enlighten me.

Mac

August 7, 2011

Hi Mac,

I think that you are simply a normal human being reacting in a normal way to the

abnormality that is personality disorder in a parent. I'm in a similar

situation to yours. My bpd/npd mother has now also been formally diagnosed with

Alzheimer's disease. Her behaviors became erratic and clearly psychotic over

the last 6 months, but now that she's in an Alzheimer's unit and getting more

specialized care, she seems to be more stabilized.

Its something we have to just live through, one day at a time.

I've been in virtually No Contact with my nada for going on 4 years due to her

intransigent, negative, toxic bpd behaviors, but now... the Alzheimer's

behaviors kicking in over the last 6 months have complicated matters.

As you have mentioned, when one's bpd parent is heavily drugged to prevent

self-harming behaviors and/or to prevent acting out against others violently,

they're not capable of their more typical bpd behaviors.

My Sister (who is in charge of our nada's care) has told me that now that our

nada is responding to the antipsychotic meds, she's more her old self. That

means her bpd is in full sway again.

It shames me to admit to myself that I was more inclined to resume contact with

nada and even visit her when it seemed she was going to remain psychotic. I

could feel pity for her when she was not actively being borderline. I went NC

with my mother because I was fed up with being afraid of her, fed up with her

luring me back into trusting her by behaving nicely and then sucker-punching me,

and I was frantic to find some way to deal with my own pent-up, unexpressed rage

that was manifesting itself as hideous migraine-like headaches and other

debilitating physical symptoms.

So, anyway. I'm sorry I don't have any solutions to offer. I'm just taking it

one day at a time, myself. I am planning a brief visit this fall. I have no

idea what to expect. I wish both of us (and all the KOs here) a lot of luck,

strength and endurance.

-Annie

>

> Have any of you gone through the death of your bpd parent/family member? My

> fada is critically ill and his mental faculties have rapidly diminished to

> the point where the few moments of recognition/clarity he has are fleeting,

> but precious. Why precious? Because he is not mentally cognizant enough to

> " do " bpd stuff. His mind is not working at the level of functioning bpd

> seems to require. It seems pretty obvious to me that their minds never stop

> ...always scheming, planning, worrying, manipulating, etc. That's all gone.

> .and so I've gone from no contact to regular contact....and I'm being called

> upon to make all the decisions for his medical care in the absence of his

> ability to do so for himself. When there is time to do so, I consult my

> mother (who I have limited access to now - you may recall my sister had

> blocked my access to her) and keep my siblings informed and get input from

> them - although so far my mom and siblings have agreed with and supported

> all my decisions.

>

> My sister (fada's other daughter - the one who moved them here and then

> moved herself across the country and left me stuck holding the bag) has been

> no contact for months and is having the hardest time dealing with Dad's

> condition. Suddenly she's being all loving and concerned and involved - and

> I resented it at first - but now I'm just filled with compassion. As I told

> her today, we have both said our lives would be easier when he dies....we

> have both loved and hated him and at times (most times after his pedestal

> toppled) the hate has been the overriding emotion....but right now the love

> is the overriding emotion and that's as it should be. This is what I told

> her. I have told my siblings during all these 7 years of being primary

> caregiver for the parents that I represent all of us when I walk into that

> hospital - and so right now I'm helping my sister alleviate her guilt - just

> as my husband and kids have helped me alleviate my own.

>

> I'm rambling. I will probably start journaling through this process since

> there are so many emotions involved. While I've said my life would be

> easier when he dies, I didn't think of the implications or process of dying.

> I did think about what would happen to my mother - but not emotionally -

> just physically as in where she would live and how. My mom is not an

> emotional or sensitive or affectionate person - and often times it appears

> she doesn't love my dad very much. But thus is life with someone with bpd.

> I have seen her cry more in this past week than in the past decade - because

> she is filled with love for him and doesn't want him to suffer or be

> degraded or humiliated (she was in a nursing home for one week and it

> traumatized her) and ultimately she just wants him home and back to the way

> things used to be. I'd investigated assisted living options and shared that

> information with her this past week and thought I would be met with

> resistance but she loved the idea. That was before we realized fully how

> fragile and precarious my dad's condition is.

>

> Basically, he has stopped eating. He's been in the hospital for about 2

> months now, has had a recurrence of a severe intestinal infection (also

> highly contagious), has been septic twice, only has one kidney which is

> functioning at about 20%, no bladder, severe copd, congestive heart failure,

> etc. He is in and out (mostly out now - and lapsing into what doctor called

> semi-comatose state) and until this week he'd been making his own decisions.

> When he'd be having a good day he'd want to live and do what's necessary -

> but when he'd have a bad day, he'd give up and not cooperate with any

> efforts. When the doctor approached him this past Weds. about putting in an

> ng tube for feeding, he said, " Do what you need to do. " Then that night he

> pulled it out (he'd been messing with it since it was put in - and when I

> visited I had to keep telling him to leave it alone - and he actually had me

> put more tape on it, so he was ok with it being there at that time). Once

> he pulled it out, he refused re-insertion and was too weak to eat. However,

> his mental capacity had diminished to the point where the doctor felt family

> needed to be consulted. Long story made shorter, I was given the choice of

> surgically inserting feeding tube into abdomen (temporary measure to nourish

> him until he regained enough strength to eat again) or allowing him to

> starve to death. He is DNR and I have no problem following his wishes - he

> doesn't want any form of permanent life support - but temporary measures (as

> in ventilator during and after surgery) are ok with him. My decision was to

> consent to feeding tube. My mother and siblings were in total agreement.

>

> Today I went to sign the consent forms and meet with surgeon. He presented

> the option of IV nutrition (why wasn't that done first?????) and was very

> reluctant to recommend the feeding tube because the risks are so high with

> the other medical issues. For example, there has been concern for several

> years that anytime my dad is anesthetized he must be put on ventilator, but

> his lungs are in such bad shape that the risk is high that he may not be

> able to breathe on his own again, putting me/us in situation of removing

> life support. It really is a very complicated thing anytime he needs any

> procedure done. But I was told this was his only option, and we were going

> to take it. Thank God, there was another option.

>

> So, don't I sound like the loving daughter with the normal family? Sure, I

> have compassion for my dad - much as I would anyone in that condition. I

> get very emotional when dealing with my mom or sister because I feel their

> pain and distress. Personally, I have no guilt. I am prepared and if he

> goes, I believe I can deal with it - not rejoice in it as I felt I might in

> previous times - but not be overcome with grief or despair - or guilt. But

> here is where the conflict comes - while I don't want him to suffer

> needlessly (suffer in order to go on and fully recover, sure - but suffer

> and still die, no), I am conflicted about what happens if he does pull

> through this. He is nearer death than I have ever seen him. If he does not

> regain mental function, he will have no quality of life. If he does regain

> mental function, he will go back to being the bpd sob I can't expose myself

> to anymore. Part of me...that unreasonable, fantasy, little girl part...

> wants him to pull through and the bpd be gone and live a few more years of a

> decent life surrounded with the love of his wife and children. Mostly, I

> know this is a no win situation no matter how it goes.

>

> My mom....my sister the narcissist who is staying with her...myself....and

> to some lesser degree, my siblings...and most of all, my dad....are all in a

> holding pattern until this resolves. And if it does resolve in favor of

> recovery - to what end? Until the next infection, complication, or illness

> that replays the scenario all over again - and keeps us in the holding

> pattern....waiting for him to die....hoping he doesn't....hoping he does...

> and feeling pretty selfish about making it all about me when he's the one

> laying in that hospital bed.

>

> When someone prays for his healing, in my mind I pray God's will instead -

> fully admitting I have no clue what that is right now. I know that I want

> either a swift and full recovery or a swift and painless death. I don't

> want any of us, including him, to go through this much longer. It's hard...

> it's painful....and while I do love him, I'm not suddenly filled with the

> need for bedside vigils and being Daddy's baby and pouring out love and

> affection over him. Yes, I want to let him know he's not alone - that I'm

> here taking care of things - stuff like that. But the bottom line truth is

> that I dread no matter what happens. I dread the call saying he's passed

> away....or the call saying he's turned the corner toward recovery. And I

> don't know what this says about me......and I'm hoping someone here can

> enlighten me.

>

> Mac

>

August 8, 2011

Mac,

I just went through a very similar scenario with my father, who I believe was

truly a narcissist, my mother is the bpd. He had major heart failure, surgery -

4 bypasses, one valve replaced, the other repaired- and lived for 67 more days.

He had a few good days right after the surgery, but it was mostly downhill.

My younger brother was making all of the decisions, because dad couldn't (no

advance directives) and nada is incapable... and I was my brother's support,

taking calls at all hours of the day and night, listening, talking things

through, letting him vent, cry, and validating his decisions. Thank God he lives

there.

The biggest blessing for me in all of it was that, once my father wasn't capable

of his old behaviors, I was able to forgive him, and all of the anger I had

towards him drained away. I NEVER thought that would happen. I was able to feel

compassion for this very sick old man propped up in a chair in the hospital. He

recognized me and spoke kindly to me, happy that I was there. At the end of the

day, we said our goodbyes, and I didn't go back until the funeral. I felt

nothing when he died. I had already grieved for the lose of my father for many

years - I was done.

I am at peace with everything regarding my father now. I hope you find a similar

peace soon.

Chris