Don't want to break NC......how do I do this?

[Guest guest]

I haven't been here for a really long time. during this time, I have maintained

NC with nada, fada and her flying monkeys, I have had the occasional run in with

her at family functions but mostly have just made small talk and moved on.

Mostly she has been sweet to me when she's around other people (I hate how she

can be so two-face. How she can be one way in front of people and a completely

different person with me).

Just recently, I ran into nada and fada at an uncle's funeral. I walked away and

attempted to leave without speaking to her at all but she eventually called me

immediately after and left a nasty message. Im sure you are all familiar with

the nasty nada messages... how ungrateful I am, how I am the one who is to

blame, how she is the victim. My nada has resorted from yelling on my messages

to crying (probably because this makes her look more like a victim).

I eventually spoke to her because I " bit the bait " and called her back.

Infuriated over the fact that she looks like the victim, I let her know all of

the things that I wanted to tell her..... that she shouldn't have isolated me

as a kid...that I am not as horrible as she made me out to be....that I

shouldn't have been her friend and been told about every financial problem or

family drama, but just be her daughter instead......that she had not right to

treat my husband the way she did after all the years. Of course it fell on deaf

ears.

She says that she wants to fix our relationship. I said maybe just to get her

off the phone, but I really don't want to. My life is fine without her. I am not

angry at her anymore. I am not upset. I just want to forgive her, but not

reconcile with her. I want to move on but not with her.

How do I do this?

AJ

[Guest guest]

That's one of the key issues that each of us has to figure out for ourselves,

because its different for each person.

For my part: once I decided to go No Contact, I never answered my nada's phone

calls or listened to her messages again. I never read her cards or letters. I

knew that if I did, I'd probably get pulled back into missing the fragments of

my mother that were motherly and get pulled into wanting to try again to have a

relationship with her, but I knew I just couldn't take the inevitable drama and

emotional abuse anymore.

So, for me, it was a real, permanent refusal to respond to any attempts at

contact. It wasn't easy. I didn't go so far as to block her number, but, I was

able to just erase her messages without listening to them and not read any

cards/letters.

I don't think of that as " forgiveness " , just detachment. I was able to at least

in part emotionally detach to the point where I cared more about my own feelings

and needs than I cared about hers.

Or, I just decided I was " done. "

-Annie

>

> I haven't been here for a really long time. during this time, I have

maintained NC with nada, fada and her flying monkeys, I have had the occasional

run in with her at family functions but mostly have just made small talk and

moved on. Mostly she has been sweet to me when she's around other people (I hate

how she can be so two-face. How she can be one way in front of people and a

completely different person with me).

>

> Just recently, I ran into nada and fada at an uncle's funeral. I walked away

and attempted to leave without speaking to her at all but she eventually called

me immediately after and left a nasty message. Im sure you are all familiar with

the nasty nada messages... how ungrateful I am, how I am the one who is to

blame, how she is the victim. My nada has resorted from yelling on my messages

to crying (probably because this makes her look more like a victim).

>

> I eventually spoke to her because I " bit the bait " and called her back.

Infuriated over the fact that she looks like the victim, I let her know all of

the things that I wanted to tell her..... that she shouldn't have isolated me

as a kid...that I am not as horrible as she made me out to be....that I

shouldn't have been her friend and been told about every financial problem or

family drama, but just be her daughter instead......that she had not right to

treat my husband the way she did after all the years. Of course it fell on deaf

ears.

>

> She says that she wants to fix our relationship. I said maybe just to get her

off the phone, but I really don't want to. My life is fine without her. I am not

angry at her anymore. I am not upset. I just want to forgive her, but not

reconcile with her. I want to move on but not with her.

>

> How do I do this?

>

> AJ

>

[Guest guest]

> She says that she wants to fix our relationship. I said maybe just to get her

off the phone, but I really don't want to. My life is fine without her. I am not

angry at her anymore. I am not upset. I just want to forgive her, but not

reconcile with her. I want to move on but not with her.

>

>How do I do this?

1. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Even if you said you

would whilst under duress.

2. You can forgive someone without ever speaking to them again for the rest of

your life. Forgiveness happens within your heart; it does not mean you have to

reconcile or let someone back into your life in any way. Forgiveness is for past

hurt; having boundaries with people who have hurt us in the past means we won't

have anything to forgive them for in the future. Forgiving doesn't mean letting

people continue to abuse you.

3. Do you have a T?

4. We have all had moments of weakness...I bet it felt really great to let her

have it, even if she was unable to accept anything you said. Still, now that

that's done, you can go on with what makes you feel safe and comfortable.

5. Your mom wants to " fix " your relationship? Baloney. She wants you to come

back into her life because she wants to use you. She needs a mirror and a trash

can--but you're not those. If you talk to her again at all, you can tell her to

work on her own issues in T for a couple of years and then you'll think about

it. In the meantime, enjoy the peace and quiet of your life without her.

Sveta

[Guest guest]

I'm reposting my response only because I initially/accidentally posted it from

my other account and had to delete it. Whoops.

Here it is again:

AJ,

I am NC with my nada as well. The idea of ever calling her back or seeing her

again throttles me back into ptsd and shakes. I have no desire to talk to her or

see her or be near her because of all the horrible things she did to me and the

horrible way she treated me. That's kinda how I am able to remain NC. I am

healthier and happier without her in my life.

Her calls don't get answered or returned and I won't put myself in a situation

where I would see her. I realize your uncle's funeral is something that couldn't

be avoided... but you're better than me. I probably wouldn't have been able to

go to a funeral if it meant running into my nada.

I just LOATHE her so much. For the children of BPs who have managed to forgive

their BP parents... kudos to them. I am not at that point. Who knows if I ever

will be?? I fear getting stuck in being unable to forgive and that the anger and

fear will weigh on me forever!! I just haven't been able to sit down and be

like, " I forgive nada for how she treated me and what she did. " I understand

wanting to forgive but not reconcile. That is completely okay and

understandable. Ugh. I just don't have the strength or will or mindset yet to be

able to do that. When I get older (and finish my graduate degree!) I will go to

therapy and hopefully that will help.

It is completely and entirely FINE and OKAY to not want her back in your life,

in my opinion. No one has the right to judge you for protecting yourself

mentally, physically etc. Even if it's your mother. This is your life and you

deserve happiness. If being NC with your nada allows you to be you and be free

and happy, then that is fine!

Best of luck,

- Cvidz

>

> I haven't been here for a really long time. during this time, I have

maintained NC with nada, fada and her flying monkeys, I have had the occasional

run in with her at family functions but mostly have just made small talk and

moved on. Mostly she has been sweet to me when she's around other people (I hate

how she can be so two-face. How she can be one way in front of people and a

completely different person with me).

>

> Just recently, I ran into nada and fada at an uncle's funeral. I walked away

and attempted to leave without speaking to her at all but she eventually called

me immediately after and left a nasty message. Im sure you are all familiar with

the nasty nada messages... how ungrateful I am, how I am the one who is to

blame, how she is the victim. My nada has resorted from yelling on my messages

to crying (probably because this makes her look more like a victim).

>

> I eventually spoke to her because I " bit the bait " and called her back.

Infuriated over the fact that she looks like the victim, I let her know all of

the things that I wanted to tell her..... that she shouldn't have isolated me

as a kid...that I am not as horrible as she made me out to be....that I

shouldn't have been her friend and been told about every financial problem or

family drama, but just be her daughter instead......that she had not right to

treat my husband the way she did after all the years. Of course it fell on deaf

ears.

>

> She says that she wants to fix our relationship. I said maybe just to get her

off the phone, but I really don't want to. My life is fine without her. I am not

angry at her anymore. I am not upset. I just want to forgive her, but not

reconcile with her. I want to move on but not with her.

>

> How do I do this?

>

> AJ

>