just a letter..

[Guest guest]

I have only recently joined this group. I went for years to alanon and

alateen seeking answers to NADAs issues but somehow it never fit. A year

ago I moved in to NADAs house at 45 at my stapdads request to help and made

a mess of my life...

Below is a note I wrote tonight to my two best friends that live far away

from where I am now.... it sums it up pretty well.... encouragement is ok :

)

Hello Dear and Dorann:

Let me first say I owe you both a huge apology. I recognize that I have

disappeared off the map and feel terrible about it. I really am sorry. It's

nothing personal, just me in a shaky place. (when I hide, I am in a bad

place, being a cancer and all. LOL). But seriously. It's a flaw in my

character that when I am scared (anxious) I hide. I am truly aware of it and

again I am sorry.

So, the last year has brought be many lessons.. As you both are aware the

folks in MA had a strangle hold around my neck for all of my adult life. I

never hid that. I was so terrified of my Mother dying and leaving me alone I

could not deal with it. Soo, as you also know, when her shit really hit the

fan with her health I moved right up to help and try fix it.

Good news and bad news. Bad first, I can't fix it. You already knew that but

I had a journey of my own to take (23 years later) to learn that for myself.

She is crazy!

Good news. I really do finally get it. I finally do not harbor any guilt

over my mother acting as if she didn't love me and my father abandoning me.

It has been so enlightening to me to learn that she has Borderline

Personality Disorder. Her crazy has gotten so bad that I started seeking

info on the internet on her specific behaviors, and whalla. there it was,

BPD. I have spent 30 years attending Alanon and Alateen meetings looking for

answers yet it never seemed to fit her behavior and patterns. I could never

figure out why our situation was different. I thought all alcoholics were

full of rage, self-centered, childish, delusional, and treated those they

supposed love as objects. Now, I know the underlying cause and have done a

ton of reading and learning on BPD. The drinking was and is just a

manifestation of the BPD. It is good to understand this and finally have

some real answers for the first time in my life.

So, I was very excited about the idea of having Community Coupon Cards and

having a business, finally. something of my own. I was willing to deal with

all this crap till I got the biz off the ground and could move on with

confidence. I did sell Whitman successfully but realized that I needed to

enlarge the card to make it a business that I could earn enough to pay

taxes, insurance, real bills, and to save for retirement. When I headed out

with the larger card it became clear I was being a bit overambitious. No

details now but suffice to say that I would have to hire people and stay put

for another 1 to 2 years to see it through. Not an option. I was pretty

devastated. Upon the realization that I have spent a year " dealing " with the

unbelievable crazy for nothing. yikes. Not all bad though, Joe and I have

forged a relationship that will not go away. I feel like a have a real

parent for the first time in life. That is a good thing.

So, upon knowing CCC not going to work out, and the sudden loss of a job

offer that I was planning to take that I hit a wall. About two weeks ago,

which is when I started avoiding my phone. Again, I am sorry.

This is about as honest as I can be.. When I get really really stressed

out.. I hide. And I know it. I wakes me up at 3am that I know I am

" avoiding " . I am sorry. I just haven't been able to face questions and

giving answers. I don't have them yet. I am trying to get " unstuck " . You

both warned me against this move and I wanted much to prove you wrong. But

you were right. This was on some level a mistake but really on another it

wasn't, in that I finally have a diagnosis for her crazy. This

understanding is freeing but I still have the task of getting out of here to

a whole new life with nobody but co-workers in my life and no friends here.

it is a little overwhelming and I don't yet have answers.

So.. this is where I am. I have updated my resume, have posted it everywhere

and am actively seeking a job/contract. That feels good. I am sure with my

recent PMP I will get at least a contract offer soon. I have also started

checking craigslist daily for a share to move into. (not so easy if you

don't want to live with children).

I want to assure you that I have not lost the plot but am just feeling too

shitty to talk about it. I would gladly sit for hours and listen to you talk

about you but am feeling too embarrassed to talk about me right now.. till I

get something going.

You two are my best friends and it is not my wish to ostracize either you. I

am sorry. I just feel ridiculous and embarrassed.

I hope we can chat this week. : )

XOXO

Re: Re: Realizing I've changed

Thanks Kay! I am healing, not sure I'll ever be at a point where I'd

feel I'm " healed " , you know? Past tense.

Though not exactly the same, not at all... I sort of think of my struggles

with PTSD in the same vein as a recovering alcoholic. No matter how many

years an individual has been sober, he or she is always considered

recovering. I feel like I'm in that boat. Not sure there's a such thing as

total recovery, but hell yes, I am recovering

=) I think we can, and do. And it's always work. I still do a lot of

positive visualization, breathing techniques, meditation, etc. If it is

helping to keep me sane or.. saner, lol... it's worth it =)

Mia

>

>

>

> Mia, so good to hear from you and I'm so glad you are doing well. You

> sound so healthy and healed. I am so happy for you!

> Kay

>

>

>

>

> >

> > With such big changes in my life lately, I'm realizing I've changed

> > a lot too. And for the better, or so I think.

> >

> > I'm in my 3rd week at my new job.... my first nursing job. I

> > absolutely LOVE it!

> >

> > To top it off, my co-workers are really amazing too, for the most

> > part. But like they say, there's always one... and this job is no

> > exception.

> >

> > We have one nurse who thinks she runs the joint. Mind you, she's not

> > our nurse supervisor. Today our admin. director was in a meeting. I

> > took a phone call from a higher-up at the hospital who said it was

> > important that I give my director the message immediately. He said

> > he did not need to call back until after his meeting, but stressed I

> > needed to give him the note right away. I headed for boss's office

> > and she snaps, " You can't go in there! He's in a meeting! " I just

> > kept walking, knocked on the door & entered when he answered. Told

> > him what was up and he was very grateful. No mention was made of it

> > after that (in other words, I wasn't in trouble or anything). I

> > guess this particular nurse kept going on about me interupting but I

> > just kept walking LOL. Honestly, I didn't pay any attention to her.

> > It wasn't until later when another co-worker told me she thought

> > this nurse was out of her mind for going on & on about me giving

> > boss the note... she said, " But you were doing what you were

> > supposed to do & just kinda blew her off. You're so laid back! "

> >

> > That's when it hit me... OMG I am laid back!!! When the hell did

> > that happen??!! And I realize that this is like the 3rd time that

> > someone at work has said I'm " laid back " or " easy going " .

> >

> > Something has changed! And I like it!!! I used to be so darned PTSD

> > due to nada & all the abuse. Hell, I was on disability for PTSD &

> > depression... severe. And now, I'm functioning in a very high stress

> > environment and LOVING EVERY MINUTE OF IT. I can keep my cool, but

> > act quickly & do what I'm supposed to do. And if Mrs. " panties in a

> > ruffle " nurse wants to get all frustrated, well hell, let her.

> > That's her problem, not mine. It's NOT my problem, and I'm not

> > letting it become my problem.

> >

> > When did this happen? I mean, it just didn't happen over night but

> > I've been oblvious for the most part that I CAN and DO deal with

> > stress in a healthy way now. THAT IS BLOWING MY MIND!

> >

> > And to top it off, I got great compliments from my new co-workers

> > after a nurse's meeting today. They said I'm catching on really fast

> > and taking a lot of initiative to learn and help. Well that just

> > rocks! Because yeah, I want to learn & do my job well. They're

> > grateful that I'm there... I have NEVER in all my life been told I'm

> > apprecieated at work for what I do. HOLY COW!!!

> >

> > I have truly hit the new nurse jackpot with this job. My co-workers

> > rock... except for Mrs. panties in a ruffle lol. And frankly, it's

> > ok. I can maintain myself if & when she gets all flustered. Because

> > that's all I truly can do in life... control myself. Sure as heck

> > can't control anyone else. So if someone's spazzing out, that's

> > their issue, not mine. I don't have to own it. =)

> >

> > Just wanted to share that because it feels like SUCH a big victory

> > for me. I've healed, and I am continuing to heal. There is hope, guys.

> > Our crazy FOOs have definetly done damage, but we can heal & take

> > our lives back. It's been a long & hard road, but I'm seeing the

> > differences and I'm so happy I decided to travel this path towards

> > being mentally healthy =)

> >

> > Here's to hoping each & every one of us can continue to heal and can

> > take a moment to pat ourselves on the back for a job well done when

> > we recognize these good changes in ourselves. We deserve it!

> >

> > *HUGS*

> >

> > Mia

> >

>

>

------------------------------------

**This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The

Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and

Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at www.BPDCentral.com.**

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