Re: I want to set a limit...the day he ignores me

[Guest guest]

(((((Newlife)))))

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so crushed right now. My impression is that

you are having ambivalent feelings about your relationship with your parents:

you want them to respect your boundaries, but you don't want to be totally cut

off from them. But when you have a father who is extremely controlling,

domineering and willing to use threats of rejection to control you, you may not

have many options to choose from.

Maybe this is something that you and your therapist can give a higher priority:

working through your ambivalence RE achieving more emotional independence from

your pd parents. That's a tough place to be in, feeling torn in two like that.

Best of luck to you. Keep us posted.

-Annie

>

> I'm so sorry for posting so much recently. I will definitely start replying to

posts and helping people out who are in similar situations, returning the

awesome favor you all give as things clear up a bit here...

>

> Today, I was ready to set a limit with fada. After the intense interrogations

we have over the phone, the number of calls, texts, emails etc he would send, I

was READY Today to talk to him over the phone, and set the limit of returning

one text/day and phonecalls twice a week. I talked to a therapist about it, I

talked to a friend about it.

>

> And now when I go to call him tonight, he REFUSES To talk to me. He picks up,

sounds depressed and cold, says " You're too busy to even give me a ten minute

call. You're just too busy. I don't want to talk to you, Call your mom on her

cell. " and hangs up.

>

> Crushing. Completely crushing because silent treatment always was paired with

physical abuse when I lived at home, and also because I was SO READY to set the

limit. UGH!

>

> I called mom later. She was very kind to me as usual and could sense something

was up in my voice (had been crying the past hour...) but didn't mention

anything about it. She was actually EXTRA nice to me on the phone because I

think she knew my dad was in a rough mood and had talked to me. The HELPLESSNESS

I feel when I talk to her & she KNOWS something is wrong with fada and has done

nothing to change it, to know she is feeling so stuck in a cycle of abuse just

frightens me too. How she so desperately wants to comfort me, but with fada

breathing down her neck, she can't say a word that he'll hear and explode on her

about.

>

> Now I'm crushed and don't know when I'll have the strength to set a limit

again, whenever he decides to talk to me again.

>

> I just don't know where to go from here. I was making progress, and good

progress. Then, this happens and I'm a wreck and bawling my eyes out for two

hours when I thought I was OVER his manipulation over me. Sigh. I just feel so

hopeless and I feel like at this rate, his calls and his control over me will go

on forever.

>

> Any consolation, or similar experiences would be helpful. Thanks so much

everyone.

>

[Guest guest]

I haven't been keeping up but has anyone suggested that you just go ahead and

implement the boundary without announcing it? Your fada will definitely react

and be very angry, but it sounds like you'll pay a price either way. I

struggle with boundary setting too with my FOO so I send much sympathy and hugs

your way.

Eliza

>

> I'm so sorry for posting so much recently. I will definitely start replying to

posts and helping people out who are in similar situations, returning the

awesome favor you all give as things clear up a bit here...

>

> Today, I was ready to set a limit with fada. After the intense interrogations

we have over the phone, the number of calls, texts, emails etc he would send, I

was READY Today to talk to him over the phone, and set the limit of returning

one text/day and phonecalls twice a week. I talked to a therapist about it, I

talked to a friend about it.

>

> And now when I go to call him tonight, he REFUSES To talk to me. He picks up,

sounds depressed and cold, says " You're too busy to even give me a ten minute

call. You're just too busy. I don't want to talk to you, Call your mom on her

cell. " and hangs up.

>

> Crushing. Completely crushing because silent treatment always was paired with

physical abuse when I lived at home, and also because I was SO READY to set the

limit. UGH!

>

> I called mom later. She was very kind to me as usual and could sense something

was up in my voice (had been crying the past hour...) but didn't mention

anything about it. She was actually EXTRA nice to me on the phone because I

think she knew my dad was in a rough mood and had talked to me. The HELPLESSNESS

I feel when I talk to her & she KNOWS something is wrong with fada and has done

nothing to change it, to know she is feeling so stuck in a cycle of abuse just

frightens me too. How she so desperately wants to comfort me, but with fada

breathing down her neck, she can't say a word that he'll hear and explode on her

about.

>

> Now I'm crushed and don't know when I'll have the strength to set a limit

again, whenever he decides to talk to me again.

>

> I just don't know where to go from here. I was making progress, and good

progress. Then, this happens and I'm a wreck and bawling my eyes out for two

hours when I thought I was OVER his manipulation over me. Sigh. I just feel so

hopeless and I feel like at this rate, his calls and his control over me will go

on forever.

>

> Any consolation, or similar experiences would be helpful. Thanks so much

everyone.

>

[Guest guest]

sigh. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything or set any boundary, then he wouldn't

have yet ANOTHER thing to hold against me. I did it, and maybe it's good to deal

with whatever his reaction is, living hundreds of miles away instead of at home.

I know I am safe here and have the support of friends and the incredible

community on this group.

He decided to send a bunch of passive-aggressive emails all last night after he

refused to talk to me, to which I kindly and calmly (had people edit for

me...haha) responded and clarified it was never my intention to hurt him etc,

but this is just the way it has to be now that I am growing up.

He responded pretty angrily yet again and if you look at the email chain it

looks like I'm the parent talking to a two-year old having a temper tantrum. How

very very strange and sad.

I knew limit-setting wasn't going to be easy, and in spite of all the craziness

it's putting me through I'm hoping that it's ultimately worth it. Things need to

get worse before they get better ,in this case...

> >

> > I'm so sorry for posting so much recently. I will definitely start replying

to posts and helping people out who are in similar situations, returning the

awesome favor you all give as things clear up a bit here...

> >

> > Today, I was ready to set a limit with fada. After the intense

interrogations we have over the phone, the number of calls, texts, emails etc he

would send, I was READY Today to talk to him over the phone, and set the limit

of returning one text/day and phonecalls twice a week. I talked to a therapist

about it, I talked to a friend about it.

> >

> > And now when I go to call him tonight, he REFUSES To talk to me. He picks

up, sounds depressed and cold, says " You're too busy to even give me a ten

minute call. You're just too busy. I don't want to talk to you, Call your mom on

her cell. " and hangs up.

> >

> > Crushing. Completely crushing because silent treatment always was paired

with physical abuse when I lived at home, and also because I was SO READY to set

the limit. UGH!

> >

> > I called mom later. She was very kind to me as usual and could sense

something was up in my voice (had been crying the past hour...) but didn't

mention anything about it. She was actually EXTRA nice to me on the phone

because I think she knew my dad was in a rough mood and had talked to me. The

HELPLESSNESS I feel when I talk to her & she KNOWS something is wrong with fada

and has done nothing to change it, to know she is feeling so stuck in a cycle of

abuse just frightens me too. How she so desperately wants to comfort me, but

with fada breathing down her neck, she can't say a word that he'll hear and

explode on her about.

> >

> > Now I'm crushed and don't know when I'll have the strength to set a limit

again, whenever he decides to talk to me again.

> >

> > I just don't know where to go from here. I was making progress, and good

progress. Then, this happens and I'm a wreck and bawling my eyes out for two

hours when I thought I was OVER his manipulation over me. Sigh. I just feel so

hopeless and I feel like at this rate, his calls and his control over me will go

on forever.

> >

> > Any consolation, or similar experiences would be helpful. Thanks so much

everyone.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

 I set up  un-announced boundaries with my nada and found they worked well. A

BPD takes a boundary or a limit as a challenge; it becomes their game to see

how fast you buckle or give up when they test the boundary and try to " drive a

truck through "  the boundary you set. When nada has been told n-times in

the past not to do such-and-such (or to DO such and such in response to her

request for advice or guidance) and doesn't comply, it does not require a formal

announcement of what the boundary is all-over-again. Eventually she

figures out there has been a boundary violation and in the meantime I have had

peace from maintaining NC.

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Wednesday, March 21, 2012 5:49 PM

Subject: Re: I want to set a limit...the day he ignores me

Â

sigh. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything or set any boundary, then he wouldn't

have yet ANOTHER thing to hold against me. I did it, and maybe it's good to deal

with whatever his reaction is, living hundreds of miles away instead of at home.

I know I am safe here and have the support of friends and the incredible

community on this group.

He decided to send a bunch of passive-aggressive emails all last night after he

refused to talk to me, to which I kindly and calmly (had people edit for

me...haha) responded and clarified it was never my intention to hurt him etc,

but this is just the way it has to be now that I am growing up.

He responded pretty angrily yet again and if you look at the email chain it

looks like I'm the parent talking to a two-year old having a temper tantrum. How

very very strange and sad.

I knew limit-setting wasn't going to be easy, and in spite of all the craziness

it's putting me through I'm hoping that it's ultimately worth it. Things need to

get worse before they get better ,in this case...

> >

> > I'm so sorry for posting so much recently. I will definitely start replying

to posts and helping people out who are in similar situations, returning the

awesome favor you all give as things clear up a bit here...

> >

> > Today, I was ready to set a limit with fada. After the intense

interrogations we have over the phone, the number of calls, texts, emails etc he

would send, I was READY Today to talk to him over the phone, and set the limit

of returning one text/day and phonecalls twice a week. I talked to a therapist

about it, I talked to a friend about it.

> >

> > And now when I go to call him tonight, he REFUSES To talk to me. He picks

up, sounds depressed and cold, says " You're too busy to even give me a ten

minute call. You're just too busy. I don't want to talk to you, Call your mom on

her cell. " and hangs up.

> >

> > Crushing. Completely crushing because silent treatment always was paired

with physical abuse when I lived at home, and also because I was SO READY to set

the limit. UGH!

> >

> > I called mom later. She was very kind to me as usual and could sense

something was up in my voice (had been crying the past hour...) but didn't

mention anything about it. She was actually EXTRA nice to me on the phone

because I think she knew my dad was in a rough mood and had talked to me. The

HELPLESSNESS I feel when I talk to her & she KNOWS something is wrong with fada

and has done nothing to change it, to know she is feeling so stuck in a cycle of

abuse just frightens me too. How she so desperately wants to comfort me, but

with fada breathing down her neck, she can't say a word that he'll hear and

explode on her about.

> >

> > Now I'm crushed and don't know when I'll have the strength to set a limit

again, whenever he decides to talk to me again.

> >

> > I just don't know where to go from here. I was making progress, and good

progress. Then, this happens and I'm a wreck and bawling my eyes out for two

hours when I thought I was OVER his manipulation over me. Sigh. I just feel so

hopeless and I feel like at this rate, his calls and his control over me will go

on forever.

> >

> > Any consolation, or similar experiences would be helpful. Thanks so much

everyone.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

setting limits with a BP is really hard to do while talking to them. they DEMAND

a response to everything. I took the easy way out. i sent an e-mail telling her

that I would send her one e-mail a week on Sat. it has blown up. meh. since I

set when I will respond it is easy to do it. she has REALLY pushed for more.

REALLY. but I have not given in to her condemnations,whining, guilt tripping,

gas-lighting etc. because I will send one e-mail a week. by the time I get

around to it I am not mad anymore. last week I got a nasty letter. and I was

sick on my e-mail day. so, I didn't feel like sending one and I didn't. this has

been a great solution for me. she hates it, but she has been mad at me for

months now for not being chatty/friendly/ making time for her/ etc, so I am

happier ignoring her tirades instead of being forced to respond. (she wants me

to comfort her or be defensive)I had the same kind of experience. that is why I

set this boundary the way I did instead of waiting for her to cooperate (since

when does that happen?)

Meikjn

>

> I'm so sorry for posting so much recently. I will definitely start replying to

posts and helping people out who are in similar situations, returning the

awesome favor you all give as things clear up a bit here...

>

> Today, I was ready to set a limit with fada. After the intense interrogations

we have over the phone, the number of calls, texts, emails etc he would send, I

was READY Today to talk to him over the phone, and set the limit of returning

one text/day and phonecalls twice a week. I talked to a therapist about it, I

talked to a friend about it.

>

> And now when I go to call him tonight, he REFUSES To talk to me. He picks up,

sounds depressed and cold, says " You're too busy to even give me a ten minute

call. You're just too busy. I don't want to talk to you, Call your mom on her

cell. " and hangs up.

>

> Crushing. Completely crushing because silent treatment always was paired with

physical abuse when I lived at home, and also because I was SO READY to set the

limit. UGH!

>

> I called mom later. She was very kind to me as usual and could sense something

was up in my voice (had been crying the past hour...) but didn't mention

anything about it. She was actually EXTRA nice to me on the phone because I

think she knew my dad was in a rough mood and had talked to me. The HELPLESSNESS

I feel when I talk to her & she KNOWS something is wrong with fada and has done

nothing to change it, to know she is feeling so stuck in a cycle of abuse just

frightens me too. How she so desperately wants to comfort me, but with fada

breathing down her neck, she can't say a word that he'll hear and explode on her

about.

>

> Now I'm crushed and don't know when I'll have the strength to set a limit

again, whenever he decides to talk to me again.

>

> I just don't know where to go from here. I was making progress, and good

progress. Then, this happens and I'm a wreck and bawling my eyes out for two

hours when I thought I was OVER his manipulation over me. Sigh. I just feel so

hopeless and I feel like at this rate, his calls and his control over me will go

on forever.

>

> Any consolation, or similar experiences would be helpful. Thanks so much

everyone.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi New Life,

I agree with Meikjn, but setting limits by any method is hard -- period. People

with BPD are truly like children. You have taken something away from your fada,

not unlike taking a toy or a trip for ice cream away from a child. How does a

child respond? Pouting, temper tantrums, crying, stamping his feet, acting out.

How is your fada responding? Pouting, acting out. You have to get your mind

around the idea that your fada is essentially a badly behaved child and needs

boundaries established for his behavior.

Are you getting help from a counselor? Therapy can really help as you move into

understanding the BPD, your enmeshment and ways you have survived the

dysfunction of growing up with a BPD parent. The work you will do in therapy

will help you to develop skills to deal effectively with your fada's bad

behavior while helping you to become the healthy person you deserve to be. Its

hard work and takes time, but very worth the effort.

Away from the Fire

> >

> > I'm so sorry for posting so much recently. I will definitely start replying

to posts and helping people out who are in similar situations, returning the

awesome favor you all give as things clear up a bit here...

> >

> > Today, I was ready to set a limit with fada. After the intense

interrogations we have over the phone, the number of calls, texts, emails etc he

would send, I was READY Today to talk to him over the phone, and set the limit

of returning one text/day and phonecalls twice a week. I talked to a therapist

about it, I talked to a friend about it.

> >

> > And now when I go to call him tonight, he REFUSES To talk to me. He picks

up, sounds depressed and cold, says " You're too busy to even give me a ten

minute call. You're just too busy. I don't want to talk to you, Call your mom on

her cell. " and hangs up.

> >

> > Crushing. Completely crushing because silent treatment always was paired

with physical abuse when I lived at home, and also because I was SO READY to set

the limit. UGH!

> >

> > I called mom later. She was very kind to me as usual and could sense

something was up in my voice (had been crying the past hour...) but didn't

mention anything about it. She was actually EXTRA nice to me on the phone

because I think she knew my dad was in a rough mood and had talked to me. The

HELPLESSNESS I feel when I talk to her & she KNOWS something is wrong with fada

and has done nothing to change it, to know she is feeling so stuck in a cycle of

abuse just frightens me too. How she so desperately wants to comfort me, but

with fada breathing down her neck, she can't say a word that he'll hear and

explode on her about.

> >

> > Now I'm crushed and don't know when I'll have the strength to set a limit

again, whenever he decides to talk to me again.

> >

> > I just don't know where to go from here. I was making progress, and good

progress. Then, this happens and I'm a wreck and bawling my eyes out for two

hours when I thought I was OVER his manipulation over me. Sigh. I just feel so

hopeless and I feel like at this rate, his calls and his control over me will go

on forever.

> >

> > Any consolation, or similar experiences would be helpful. Thanks so much

everyone.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Fada has been responding with super passive-aggressive, finger-pointing emails

for the past few days. I am doing my best to respond (and very infrequently

respond) to him in a way that promotes collaboration to figure out a solution,

remains emotionally distanced, but still shows I care. Aka, when I don't pick up

as soon as you call it doesn't mean I don't love you, me growing up doesn't mean

I don't want you in my life, etc. And he responds with something totally

off-topic to just berate me. I really don't know where to go from here. I've

tried everything, and on the side, mom (flying monkey) is texting me stuff like

" hey, how are you? " like nothing ever happened. Because this behavior has always

been normal.

I realized I am probably the first person in fada's adult life to set a limit on

him and NOT back down & the first person to demand a TWO-WAY relationship, and

not just let him control and walk all over me like he does to everyone else.

Please people, promise me it's worth it because it's getting tough.

> > >

> > > I'm so sorry for posting so much recently. I will definitely start

replying to posts and helping people out who are in similar situations,

returning the awesome favor you all give as things clear up a bit here...

> > >

> > > Today, I was ready to set a limit with fada. After the intense

interrogations we have over the phone, the number of calls, texts, emails etc he

would send, I was READY Today to talk to him over the phone, and set the limit

of returning one text/day and phonecalls twice a week. I talked to a therapist

about it, I talked to a friend about it.

> > >

> > > And now when I go to call him tonight, he REFUSES To talk to me. He picks

up, sounds depressed and cold, says " You're too busy to even give me a ten

minute call. You're just too busy. I don't want to talk to you, Call your mom on

her cell. " and hangs up.

> > >

> > > Crushing. Completely crushing because silent treatment always was paired

with physical abuse when I lived at home, and also because I was SO READY to set

the limit. UGH!

> > >

> > > I called mom later. She was very kind to me as usual and could sense

something was up in my voice (had been crying the past hour...) but didn't

mention anything about it. She was actually EXTRA nice to me on the phone

because I think she knew my dad was in a rough mood and had talked to me. The

HELPLESSNESS I feel when I talk to her & she KNOWS something is wrong with fada

and has done nothing to change it, to know she is feeling so stuck in a cycle of

abuse just frightens me too. How she so desperately wants to comfort me, but

with fada breathing down her neck, she can't say a word that he'll hear and

explode on her about.

> > >

> > > Now I'm crushed and don't know when I'll have the strength to set a limit

again, whenever he decides to talk to me again.

> > >

> > > I just don't know where to go from here. I was making progress, and good

progress. Then, this happens and I'm a wreck and bawling my eyes out for two

hours when I thought I was OVER his manipulation over me. Sigh. I just feel so

hopeless and I feel like at this rate, his calls and his control over me will go

on forever.

> > >

> > > Any consolation, or similar experiences would be helpful. Thanks so much

everyone.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Newlife,

I hear the despair in your posts of wanting this relationship, but I want to

point something out: a two-way relationship with a BP is nearly impossible. I

don't think anyone on this board has achieved it. I think you might be

overlooking the limitations that his illness puts on him and expecting him to

respond like a rational person to find a " solution " . He can't do that. He

mentally cannot do that. (I mean, I don't know him, but if he's anything like

the rest of the BPD parents on here, then I feel safe making an assumption.) I

think you're grasping for a parental/father figure relationship that you (and we

all) dream about, but, and I'm sorry to be the one to say this, for most KOs, we

have to accept the fact that they will never change so we have to figure out how

to have a relationship that is acceptable to us, with or without their

knowledge.

It's just that your posts are like you expect him to understand and change. He

probably won't. I urge you to focus on just figuring out what works for

you--what makes you happy and feel safe and healthy, and do it. He might put up

a fight, he might not, but it's not about getting him to understand, it's about

you upholding your boundaries.

Our parents taught us not to have boundaries and to allow people to knock down

any we might have tried to set. So part of our boundary setting is not getting

them to respect it, but us holding true and reinforcing the boundaries.

Okay, I just wanted to share this observation. I could be totally wrong, but I

wanted to share what I was seeing.

To our healing,

> > > >

> > > > I'm so sorry for posting so much recently. I will definitely start

replying to posts and helping people out who are in similar situations,

returning the awesome favor you all give as things clear up a bit here...

> > > >

> > > > Today, I was ready to set a limit with fada. After the intense

interrogations we have over the phone, the number of calls, texts, emails etc he

would send, I was READY Today to talk to him over the phone, and set the limit

of returning one text/day and phonecalls twice a week. I talked to a therapist

about it, I talked to a friend about it.

> > > >

> > > > And now when I go to call him tonight, he REFUSES To talk to me. He

picks up, sounds depressed and cold, says " You're too busy to even give me a ten

minute call. You're just too busy. I don't want to talk to you, Call your mom on

her cell. " and hangs up.

> > > >

> > > > Crushing. Completely crushing because silent treatment always was paired

with physical abuse when I lived at home, and also because I was SO READY to set

the limit. UGH!

> > > >

> > > > I called mom later. She was very kind to me as usual and could sense

something was up in my voice (had been crying the past hour...) but didn't

mention anything about it. She was actually EXTRA nice to me on the phone

because I think she knew my dad was in a rough mood and had talked to me. The

HELPLESSNESS I feel when I talk to her & she KNOWS something is wrong with fada

and has done nothing to change it, to know she is feeling so stuck in a cycle of

abuse just frightens me too. How she so desperately wants to comfort me, but

with fada breathing down her neck, she can't say a word that he'll hear and

explode on her about.

> > > >

> > > > Now I'm crushed and don't know when I'll have the strength to set a

limit again, whenever he decides to talk to me again.

> > > >

> > > > I just don't know where to go from here. I was making progress, and good

progress. Then, this happens and I'm a wreck and bawling my eyes out for two

hours when I thought I was OVER his manipulation over me. Sigh. I just feel so

hopeless and I feel like at this rate, his calls and his control over me will go

on forever.

> > > >

> > > > Any consolation, or similar experiences would be helpful. Thanks so much

everyone.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

Â

I cannot thank you all enough for this space - safe space- to which I come to

every day to find something to keep going. I know that I have not contributed

to any of the discussions as I don't think I have anything to offer at this

stage. It is only in the past month that I found out that my mum is, I

completely believe at this stage, BPD. She has not been officially diagnosed

but I have been reading everything I can get my hands on got to do with the

condition and I have been coming to this group every day and every day I know

more and more the truth of it. And even if she is not, she is so like

everything that is being said as to make no difference.

Â

A little bit about myself -Â Â I am starting to get some clarity but not really

sure about how to describe my father. I don't know enough yet to say what he

is/was. All I know is that he is a dangerous, aggressive man. I still feel fear

in the pit of my stomach talking about him. I am fifty one years old now and

in my thirties I was in counselling. At that stage I dealt with alot of the

stuff to do with my father but when the counsellor tried to get me to deal with

my mum - I couldn't do it. The fear (totally unspecified) was too much.

Â

All these years trying to have a relationship with her. Hating her and feeling

so wicked and guilty for even having the thought. Trying to set boundaries now.

Really difficult as they both live only 2 miles away. My nada uses my father

as a school- yard bully uses a thug - someone to instil fear so that you will do

what she wants.Â

Â

My therapist says that it is extremely important that I get detachment as so

emotionally enmeshed as to be dangerous to my health. But how to do this.Â

Sometimes I wish they were both dead and then I would be free. I know I am an

awful person for writing such a thing.Â

Â

PresentingÂ

Â

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Saturday, 24 March 2012, 3:09

Subject: Re: I want to set a limit...the day he ignores me

Â

Newlife,

I hear the despair in your posts of wanting this relationship, but I want to

point something out: a two-way relationship with a BP is nearly impossible. I

don't think anyone on this board has achieved it. I think you might be

overlooking the limitations that his illness puts on him and expecting him to

respond like a rational person to find a " solution " . He can't do that. He

mentally cannot do that. (I mean, I don't know him, but if he's anything like

the rest of the BPD parents on here, then I feel safe making an assumption.) I

think you're grasping for a parental/father figure relationship that you (and we

all) dream about, but, and I'm sorry to be the one to say this, for most KOs, we

have to accept the fact that they will never change so we have to figure out how

to have a relationship that is acceptable to us, with or without their

knowledge.

It's just that your posts are like you expect him to understand and change. He

probably won't. I urge you to focus on just figuring out what works for

you--what makes you happy and feel safe and healthy, and do it. He might put up

a fight, he might not, but it's not about getting him to understand, it's about

you upholding your boundaries.

Our parents taught us not to have boundaries and to allow people to knock down

any we might have tried to set. So part of our boundary setting is not getting

them to respect it, but us holding true and reinforcing the boundaries.

Okay, I just wanted to share this observation. I could be totally wrong, but I

wanted to share what I was seeing.

To our healing,

> > > >

> > > > I'm so sorry for posting so much recently. I will definitely start

replying to posts and helping people out who are in similar situations,

returning the awesome favor you all give as things clear up a bit here...

> > > >

> > > > Today, I was ready to set a limit with fada. After the intense

interrogations we have over the phone, the number of calls, texts, emails etc he

would send, I was READY Today to talk to him over the phone, and set the limit

of returning one text/day and phonecalls twice a week. I talked to a therapist

about it, I talked to a friend about it.

> > > >

> > > > And now when I go to call him tonight, he REFUSES To talk to me. He

picks up, sounds depressed and cold, says " You're too busy to even give me a ten

minute call. You're just too busy. I don't want to talk to you, Call your mom on

her cell. " and hangs up.

> > > >

> > > > Crushing. Completely crushing because silent treatment always was paired

with physical abuse when I lived at home, and also because I was SO READY to set

the limit. UGH!

> > > >

> > > > I called mom later. She was very kind to me as usual and could sense

something was up in my voice (had been crying the past hour...) but didn't

mention anything about it. She was actually EXTRA nice to me on the phone

because I think she knew my dad was in a rough mood and had talked to me. The

HELPLESSNESS I feel when I talk to her & she KNOWS something is wrong with fada

and has done nothing to change it, to know she is feeling so stuck in a cycle of

abuse just frightens me too. How she so desperately wants to comfort me, but

with fada breathing down her neck, she can't say a word that he'll hear and

explode on her about.

> > > >

> > > > Now I'm crushed and don't know when I'll have the strength to set a

limit again, whenever he decides to talk to me again.

> > > >

> > > > I just don't know where to go from here. I was making progress, and good

progress. Then, this happens and I'm a wreck and bawling my eyes out for two

hours when I thought I was OVER his manipulation over me. Sigh. I just feel so

hopeless and I feel like at this rate, his calls and his control over me will go

on forever.

> > > >

> > > > Any consolation, or similar experiences would be helpful. Thanks so much

everyone.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Since your therapist has recommended that you urgently need to detach

emotionally from your parents because your enmeshment with them is literally

dangerous to your health, I'm going to suggest that one way to do that is to let

yourself get really, really angry at your parents. Not for the purpose of

beating them up, but to give you the courage to let go of your unhealthy

emotional dependence on them.

Replacing your fear with anger can give you the courage to act. Fear is an

immobilizing emotion; it freezes you in place like a deer in the headlights of

an oncoming car; anger is its opposite, its an empowering, protective emotion,

like an enraged mother bear rearing up on her hind legs and protecting her cub.

Its funny in an odd way that people will allow themselves to feel a great deal

of outrage when a little animal is being mistreated. Neighbors will come

rushing out of their houses if they hear a puppy shrieking in pain and terror,

but if a child is wailing on and on and on people tend to turn a deaf ear.

I'm suggesting that if you would feel horror and outrage if you observed your

parents mistreating a little animal, then its OK feel outrage for their

mistreatment of you. You are the shrieking puppy. Its OK to get your " How DARE

YOU???!!! " response of righteous indignation out of storage.

Most bullies are actually cowards; they only pick on those who they feel are too

little or weak to fight back. Imagine the impact that you standing up to your

parents would have on them! They probably wouldn't have any clue what to do, it

would be so unexpected. Shock and awe, baby!

I reiterate that I am not suggesting that you physically assault your parents,

I'm just suggesting that emotionally, let yourself turn into " Ripley " , Sigourney

Weaver's character in the film " Aliens " (the second film in the series) and face

the terrifying Alien Brood Mother (your nada and fada wrapped together) while

wearing that marvelous robotic cargo-loading apparatus (your righteous anger)

and in a cold, piercing, commanding voice telling them to " Get away from her,

you BITCH! "

I love that movie. It was about Ripley being so traumatized after just barely

escaping from the Aliens when she first encountered them, that she was having

nightmares about them every night; but nevertheless she chose to go face them

again in spite of her own terror, in order to save a child. And in saving the

child she saved herself as well, by facing down the source of her terror and

conquering it.

The trick is to put the empowering anger away once it has done its job to

protect you.

Once you allow yourself to feel the anger, and the power that anger gives you,

it can be like a drug. Power can be intoxicating, and its easy to misuse power,

but we don't want to turn into bullies ourselves.

So, that's just some food for thought to mull over. I also recommend taking a

martial arts class. Even if you never, ever actually use what you learn there

to physically defend yourself, there is something very empowering about

realizing that you *can* physically disable someone, take them to the ground and

hold them there if you need to.

I hope that helps.

-Annie

> > > > >

> > > > > I'm so sorry for posting so much recently. I will definitely start

replying to posts and helping people out who are in similar situations,

returning the awesome favor you all give as things clear up a bit here...

> > > > >

> > > > > Today, I was ready to set a limit with fada. After the intense

interrogations we have over the phone, the number of calls, texts, emails etc he

would send, I was READY Today to talk to him over the phone, and set the limit

of returning one text/day and phonecalls twice a week. I talked to a therapist

about it, I talked to a friend about it.

> > > > >

> > > > > And now when I go to call him tonight, he REFUSES To talk to me. He

picks up, sounds depressed and cold, says " You're too busy to even give me a ten

minute call. You're just too busy. I don't want to talk to you, Call your mom on

her cell. " and hangs up.

> > > > >

> > > > > Crushing. Completely crushing because silent treatment always was

paired with physical abuse when I lived at home, and also because I was SO READY

to set the limit. UGH!

> > > > >

> > > > > I called mom later. She was very kind to me as usual and could sense

something was up in my voice (had been crying the past hour...) but didn't

mention anything about it. She was actually EXTRA nice to me on the phone

because I think she knew my dad was in a rough mood and had talked to me. The

HELPLESSNESS I feel when I talk to her & she KNOWS something is wrong with fada

and has done nothing to change it, to know she is feeling so stuck in a cycle of

abuse just frightens me too. How she so desperately wants to comfort me, but

with fada breathing down her neck, she can't say a word that he'll hear and

explode on her about.

> > > > >

> > > > > Now I'm crushed and don't know when I'll have the strength to set a

limit again, whenever he decides to talk to me again.

> > > > >

> > > > > I just don't know where to go from here. I was making progress, and

good progress. Then, this happens and I'm a wreck and bawling my eyes out for

two hours when I thought I was OVER his manipulation over me. Sigh. I just feel

so hopeless and I feel like at this rate, his calls and his control over me will

go on forever.

> > > > >

> > > > > Any consolation, or similar experiences would be helpful. Thanks so

much everyone.

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

You are not an awful person for writing this. You had an awful childhood and

your mentally ill parents continue to be awful to you. Someday they will be

dead, but whether you'll be free will still be up to you. I don't talk much to

my parents these days, but every move I make I hear their voices in my head,

mocking and angry, telling me I'm wrong.

I'm new to this too. My therapist has been trying to convince me for years

that my nada is crazy and abusive. I would complain about my fada's scary

rages, but somehow I felt like she had a right to hers because her own childhood

was abusive. A couple months ago I finally got it.

Yes, you need to detach. Diagnosis or not, the advantage of framing your

nada's behavior as BPD is that you can see it as an illness. You don't need to

look at it as a relationship or interpersonal problem that you have with her,

and it's not something you can solve. It's terribly painful, and it's a monkey

wrench in your conception of the world (or it is for me). It's about you and

your own feelings, and those aren't her business and you don't have to tell her

about it. That's an amazing idea for those of us who were raised to take

responsibility and blame for our parents' emotions.

You certainly don't sound crazy here, and please use this group and any other

support you can find. This problem isn't that uncommon, although no one talks

about it. An acquaintance mentioned that she goes to Adult Children of

Alcoholics meetings the other night, and I'm going to go to a meeting with her.

They take people with any kind of family dysfunction, including PDs. I'm

leaning more on my friends, therapist, and brother now, and it helps. Your nada

took so much from you already, now it's affecting your health. Try to turn away

from her and towards others. It's never wrong to tend to your own health and

well being.

ine

-

-

> > > > >

> > > > > I'm so sorry for posting so much recently. I will definitely start

replying to posts and helping people out who are in similar situations,

returning the awesome favor you all give as things clear up a bit here...

> > > > >

> > > > > Today, I was ready to set a limit with fada. After the intense

interrogations we have over the phone, the number of calls, texts, emails etc he

would send, I was READY Today to talk to him over the phone, and set the limit

of returning one text/day and phonecalls twice a week. I talked to a therapist

about it, I talked to a friend about it.

> > > > >

> > > > > And now when I go to call him tonight, he REFUSES To talk to me. He

picks up, sounds depressed and cold, says " You're too busy to even give me a ten

minute call. You're just too busy. I don't want to talk to you, Call your mom on

her cell. " and hangs up.

> > > > >

> > > > > Crushing. Completely crushing because silent treatment always was

paired with physical abuse when I lived at home, and also because I was SO READY

to set the limit. UGH!

> > > > >

> > > > > I called mom later. She was very kind to me as usual and could sense

something was up in my voice (had been crying the past hour...) but didn't

mention anything about it. She was actually EXTRA nice to me on the phone

because I think she knew my dad was in a rough mood and had talked to me. The

HELPLESSNESS I feel when I talk to her & she KNOWS something is wrong with fada

and has done nothing to change it, to know she is feeling so stuck in a cycle of

abuse just frightens me too. How she so desperately wants to comfort me, but

with fada breathing down her neck, she can't say a word that he'll hear and

explode on her about.

> > > > >

> > > > > Now I'm crushed and don't know when I'll have the strength to set a

limit again, whenever he decides to talk to me again.

> > > > >

> > > > > I just don't know where to go from here. I was making progress, and

good progress. Then, this happens and I'm a wreck and bawling my eyes out for

two hours when I thought I was OVER his manipulation over me. Sigh. I just feel

so hopeless and I feel like at this rate, his calls and his control over me will

go on forever.

> > > > >

> > > > > Any consolation, or similar experiences would be helpful. Thanks so

much everyone.

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>