Help me dissect this conversation

[Guest guest]

OK, I called my mother this morning for our weekly phone conversation. I

haven't declared to her that I'll be calling her once a week, it's just what

I've been doing. And everytime I call, every week, her voice is dripping with

guilt and shame for me, etc.

This week was no different.

Right after I said hello, she began by telling me that she hasn't been well.

She alarmed me, which I'm sure was her intention, even though I should be used

to this by now. It was just another " my stomach's been bothering me " diarrhea

story, the never ending poo story. I know she does this drama to 1) guilt me

about not calling her for a week (message is " see what happens to me when you

don't call me?? " ) and 2) to try to ensure a follow up message to make sure she's

ok. Not happening.

Anyway, after another story about her job -- which I much prefer over poo

stories and which I prefer even more over talking about my letter with her --

she said, " I still want to get together to talk with you. "

Fine.

I said, " ok, is tomorrow still good? "

Then she drops the bomb.

" Your brother says why don't we get together on Sunday at that place we like so

the 3 of us can talk. "   She TOTALLY blindsided me. I was on the bus and didn't

know what to say. My stomach is clenching even now as I write this. Even if I

hadn't been on the bus, I wouldn't have known what to say. I did recover though

and said, " No, Sunday won't work, I promised younger daughter I'd taker her

somewhere. "

She asked about Saturday and I said I'd have to see. She tells me to call my

brother to work out a time.

On the one hand, I welcome his interference b/c I truly, TRULY do not want to

spend 2 hours alone with her. I have been dreading our meal together. I guess

she is, too, and am sure she drew him into it. He's not a bad buffer. But I know

he's going to pull his Dr. Phil shit and try to make me compromise on my lines

in the sand AND worse, try to make me feel like I " M crazy and I'm the one

misunderstanding everything.

On the other hand, I'm kind of pissed at him for accepting her invitation to

interfere. As much as she said it was his idea, I doubt that very much. She

probably turned waify on him and he buckled down.

I feel like she is summonsing me to a meeting, now on her terms, so the two of

them can gang up on me.

I've already decided I'm not going on Saturday. I already have plans and I'm not

changing them.

I'm so tired of confrontation. It's exhausting to me. Part of me just wants to

go back to the way it was, when I didn't say what I felt. It's like I have to

constantly try to prove myself.

I'm definitely not calling him. That would be lethal for me. I still feel like I

allow myself to be convinced by his arguments and I don't want to open myself up

to that.

I'll probably email him to tell him that The Great Triangulator told me the 3 of

us are getting together and I can't make it Saturday.

Please - any feedback? I wish I could hire someone to do this for me, a diplomat

to send in for me.

thanks for listening,

Fiona

[Guest guest]

I think u need to tell them both 'i've said what I needed to say, I have no

desire to discuss it further.' Period. This is a trap! Your bro is going to turn

flying monkey via her triangulation. Just say no! Protect yourself!

My stomach is knotting up for you. Lol. Ug, how predictably nada. If you must

meet with them, take someone whom you know is on your side. Like a friend of

yours (who doesn't know them) or your husband. Tell them you wont meet with them

unless he comes with you, and it has to fit into his schedule too.

>

> OK, I called my mother this morning for our weekly phone conversation. I

haven't declared to her that I'll be calling her once a week, it's just what

I've been doing. And everytime I call, every week, her voice is dripping with

guilt and shame for me, etc.

>

> This week was no different.

>

> Right after I said hello, she began by telling me that she hasn't been well.

She alarmed me, which I'm sure was her intention, even though I should be used

to this by now. It was just another " my stomach's been bothering me " diarrhea

story, the never ending poo story. I know she does this drama to 1) guilt me

about not calling her for a week (message is " see what happens to me when you

don't call me?? " ) and 2) to try to ensure a follow up message to make sure she's

ok. Not happening.

>

> Anyway, after another story about her job -- which I much prefer over poo

stories and which I prefer even more over talking about my letter with her --

she said, " I still want to get together to talk with you. "

>

> Fine.

>

> I said, " ok, is tomorrow still good? "

>

> Then she drops the bomb.

>

> " Your brother says why don't we get together on Sunday at that place we like

so the 3 of us can talk. "   She TOTALLY blindsided me. I was on the bus and

didn't know what to say. My stomach is clenching even now as I write this. Even

if I hadn't been on the bus, I wouldn't have known what to say. I did recover

though and said, " No, Sunday won't work, I promised younger daughter I'd taker

her somewhere. "

>

> She asked about Saturday and I said I'd have to see. She tells me to call my

brother to work out a time.

>

> On the one hand, I welcome his interference b/c I truly, TRULY do not want to

spend 2 hours alone with her. I have been dreading our meal together. I guess

she is, too, and am sure she drew him into it. He's not a bad buffer. But I know

he's going to pull his Dr. Phil shit and try to make me compromise on my lines

in the sand AND worse, try to make me feel like I " M crazy and I'm the one

misunderstanding everything.

>

> On the other hand, I'm kind of pissed at him for accepting her invitation to

interfere. As much as she said it was his idea, I doubt that very much. She

probably turned waify on him and he buckled down.

>

> I feel like she is summonsing me to a meeting, now on her terms, so the two of

them can gang up on me.

>

> I've already decided I'm not going on Saturday. I already have plans and I'm

not changing them.

>

> I'm so tired of confrontation. It's exhausting to me. Part of me just wants to

go back to the way it was, when I didn't say what I felt. It's like I have to

constantly try to prove myself.

>

> I'm definitely not calling him. That would be lethal for me. I still feel like

I allow myself to be convinced by his arguments and I don't want to open myself

up to that.

>

> I'll probably email him to tell him that The Great Triangulator told me the 3

of us are getting together and I can't make it Saturday.

>

> Please - any feedback? I wish I could hire someone to do this for me, a

diplomat to send in for me.

>

> thanks for listening,

>

> Fiona

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

>

> the never ending poo story.

LMAO!

Now, Re: the " Your-Brother-Says " ambush.

It sounds like you are ultimately uncomfortable with the idea. I would be, too.

This is between you and your mother. Adding other family to the mix will just be

putting more fuel in her fire. Even if your brother is a trained mediator or

therapist, he's not the guy for the job between you and your mother. The only

person qualified to referee the " conversation " your mother wants to have would

be a trained professional that can keep things on track and put an end to

manipulative tactics.

Here's what I would say to my mother: " Mom, this is between you and me. I don't

appreciate your bringing Brother into it. If he has a problem with me, he can

talk about it with me. If he has a problem with you, he can talk about it with

you. But if you want to discuss my letter, I will only talk about it with you

privately or with a therapist present. "

Also, at this point, there's nothing to prove that your brother knows anything

about this or that it was his idea at all. If he calls you to bring it up, echo

something similar to the above. But she could just be interpreting data to fit

her own agenda. BPDs love to use the " So-and-so thinks this " line as a

manipulation tactic.

Sveta

[Guest guest]

Just say no no no no to the triangulation

and never ending poo story ha ha ha my waif boss has pulled that maneuver a

few times. Its gross!!!! They shoudl take it up with their doctor!!!

> **

>

>

>

> >

> > the never ending poo story.

>

> LMAO!

>

> Now, Re: the " Your-Brother-Says " ambushry .

>

> It sounds like you are ultimately uncomfortable with the idea. I would be,

> too. This is between you and your mother. Adding other family to the mix

> will just be putting more fuel in her fire. Even if your brother is a

> trained mediator or therapist, he's not the guy for the job between you and

> your mother. The only person qualified to referee the " conversation " your

> mother wants to have would be a trained professional that can keep things on

> track and put an end to manipulative tactics.

>

> Here's what I would say to my mother: " Mom, this is between you and me. I

> don't appreciate your bringing Brother into it. If he has a problem with me,

> he can talk about it with me. If he has a problem with you, he can talk

> about it with you. But if you want to discuss my letter, I will only talk

> about it with you privately or with a therapist present. "

>

> Also, at this point, there's nothing to prove that your brother knows

> anything about this or that it was his idea at all. If he calls you to bring

> it up, echo something similar to the above. But she could just be

> interpreting data to fit her own agenda. BPDs love to use the " So-and-so

> thinks this " line as a manipulation tactic.

>

> Sveta

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I think you came up with a good plan. You do not want to have a dinner with the

two of them to discuss your letter; you do not have to explain or defend your

feelings in this matter, its simply your preference to have the meeting one on

one. So, you cancel.

You get to have your meeting with your mother RE your letter, on your own terms.

So, if your mother does not want to meet with you alone to discuss your letter,

you will never have that meeting.

Sounds like a win-win situation to me.

And good for you for sticking to your plan to only call her once a week.

You are stronger than you were before, that's awesome!

-Annie

>

> OK, I called my mother this morning for our weekly phone conversation. I

haven't declared to her that I'll be calling her once a week, it's just what

I've been doing. And everytime I call, every week, her voice is dripping with

guilt and shame for me, etc.

>

> This week was no different.

>

> Right after I said hello, she began by telling me that she hasn't been well.

She alarmed me, which I'm sure was her intention, even though I should be used

to this by now. It was just another " my stomach's been bothering me " diarrhea

story, the never ending poo story. I know she does this drama to 1) guilt me

about not calling her for a week (message is " see what happens to me when you

don't call me?? " ) and 2) to try to ensure a follow up message to make sure she's

ok. Not happening.

>

> Anyway, after another story about her job -- which I much prefer over poo

stories and which I prefer even more over talking about my letter with her --

she said, " I still want to get together to talk with you. "

>

> Fine.

>

> I said, " ok, is tomorrow still good? "

>

> Then she drops the bomb.

>

> " Your brother says why don't we get together on Sunday at that place we like

so the 3 of us can talk. "   She TOTALLY blindsided me. I was on the bus and

didn't know what to say. My stomach is clenching even now as I write this. Even

if I hadn't been on the bus, I wouldn't have known what to say. I did recover

though and said, " No, Sunday won't work, I promised younger daughter I'd taker

her somewhere. "

>

> She asked about Saturday and I said I'd have to see. She tells me to call my

brother to work out a time.

>

> On the one hand, I welcome his interference b/c I truly, TRULY do not want to

spend 2 hours alone with her. I have been dreading our meal together. I guess

she is, too, and am sure she drew him into it. He's not a bad buffer. But I know

he's going to pull his Dr. Phil shit and try to make me compromise on my lines

in the sand AND worse, try to make me feel like I " M crazy and I'm the one

misunderstanding everything.

>

> On the other hand, I'm kind of pissed at him for accepting her invitation to

interfere. As much as she said it was his idea, I doubt that very much. She

probably turned waify on him and he buckled down.

>

> I feel like she is summonsing me to a meeting, now on her terms, so the two of

them can gang up on me.

>

> I've already decided I'm not going on Saturday. I already have plans and I'm

not changing them.

>

> I'm so tired of confrontation. It's exhausting to me. Part of me just wants to

go back to the way it was, when I didn't say what I felt. It's like I have to

constantly try to prove myself.

>

> I'm definitely not calling him. That would be lethal for me. I still feel like

I allow myself to be convinced by his arguments and I don't want to open myself

up to that.

>

> I'll probably email him to tell him that The Great Triangulator told me the 3

of us are getting together and I can't make it Saturday.

>

> Please - any feedback? I wish I could hire someone to do this for me, a

diplomat to send in for me.

>

> thanks for listening,

>

> Fiona

>

>

>