Guest guest Posted August 9, 2011 Report Share Posted August 9, 2011 Ok, so I got another drunk call from Nada yesterday afternoon while I was at work. I didn't answer because I figured she'd be drunk by then (anytime after noon is almost a sure thing). She left this voicemail for me and part of me is feeling bad for her... " Hi, this is your mom. I know you hate me but hey what the heck. I thought I'd call and tell you that S** [her boyfriend] has to go in for surgery on Thursday. You don't like me much and I'm flipping out so what the heck! [dramatic pause] Do you ever care about anything other than yourself? Bye. " Part of me knows that she's scared and worried about her boyfriend going in for surgery and she's trying to reach out for support. And I know that if it were my boyfriend I'd be feeling scared myself and want my friends and family's support. That's the part that feels bad for her... The other part of me doesn't dare forget how she treats me. The jabs at me in the voicemail are a clear indicator (though this is quite minor compared to other things she's done/said). The fact that she called me drunk when I've asked her repeatedly not to is also an indicator. And though I know that any kind of surgery can make someone worry, I don't know what he is going in for and I do know that nada tends to make every minor issue seem like the end of the world. Despite how much I try to ignore her and know that the BPD is the underlying cause for her actions, somehow she still knows how to get to me... even with one sentence! She's angry because I'm LC and uses my LC to say I don't care about anyone but myself - a statement that's simply not true. I have always taken care of others, even tried to take care of her for a while. There just comes a point where taking care of yourself has to come first instead of letting others abuse you.... Can you tell I'm going back and forth between sympathy and anger?! UGH! Thoughts anyone? - b. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 9, 2011 Report Share Posted August 9, 2011 That is an official hoover manuver my dear!!! THey do it all the time. She is pushing your buttons to get you to take on some of her feelings. She is trying to suck you back in. I say what she said is shitty and she violated your boundaries and she is on her own until she can be nice!!!! > ** > > > Ok, so I got another drunk call from Nada yesterday afternoon while I was > at work. I didn't answer because I figured she'd be drunk by then (anytime > after noon is almost a sure thing). She left this voicemail for me and part > of me is feeling bad for her... > > " Hi, this is your mom. I know you hate me but hey what the heck. I thought > I'd call and tell you that S** [her boyfriend] has to go in for surgery on > Thursday. You don't like me much and I'm flipping out so what the heck! > [dramatic pause] Do you ever care about anything other than yourself? Bye. " > > Part of me knows that she's scared and worried about her boyfriend going in > for surgery and she's trying to reach out for support. And I know that if it > were my boyfriend I'd be feeling scared myself and want my friends and > family's support. That's the part that feels bad for her... > > The other part of me doesn't dare forget how she treats me. The jabs at me > in the voicemail are a clear indicator (though this is quite minor compared > to other things she's done/said). The fact that she called me drunk when > I've asked her repeatedly not to is also an indicator. And though I know > that any kind of surgery can make someone worry, I don't know what he is > going in for and I do know that nada tends to make every minor issue seem > like the end of the world. > > Despite how much I try to ignore her and know that the BPD is the > underlying cause for her actions, somehow she still knows how to get to > me... even with one sentence! She's angry because I'm LC and uses my LC to > say I don't care about anyone but myself - a statement that's simply not > true. I have always taken care of others, even tried to take care of her for > a while. There just comes a point where taking care of yourself has to come > first instead of letting others abuse you.... > > Can you tell I'm going back and forth between sympathy and anger?! UGH! > > Thoughts anyone? > > - b. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 9, 2011 Report Share Posted August 9, 2011 I see nothing acceptable about that message. It is full of typical BPD crazyness. It is an attempt to guilt you into doing what she wants and to put herself in the center of attention. Chances are pretty good that she's creating drama where there isn't any. " Surgery " isn't much of a description. It could mean something as simple and common as removal of a mole or a tooth extraction. If it is something he is scheduled to go in for, then it doesn't seem likely to be some horrible emergency. I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling sympathy for your nada. You'd feel sympathy for a dog with rabies wouldn't you? That wouldn't stop you from doing what was necessary to protect yourself from it though. Similarly, we can't let any sympathy for our nadas and fadas prevent us from protecting ourselves. Stay strong and don't let her violate your boundaries. You know the truth, so try not to let her accusations get to you. At 09:34 AM 08/09/2011 alilpeace4me wrote: >Ok, so I got another drunk call from Nada yesterday afternoon >while I was at work. I didn't answer because I figured she'd be >drunk by then (anytime after noon is almost a sure thing). She >left this voicemail for me and part of me is feeling bad for >her... > > " Hi, this is your mom. I know you hate me but hey what the >heck. I thought I'd call and tell you that S** [her boyfriend] >has to go in for surgery on Thursday. You don't like me much >and I'm flipping out so what the heck! [dramatic pause] Do you >ever care about anything other than yourself? Bye. " > >Part of me knows that she's scared and worried about her >boyfriend going in for surgery and she's trying to reach out >for support. And I know that if it were my boyfriend I'd be >feeling scared myself and want my friends and family's support. >That's the part that feels bad for her... > >The other part of me doesn't dare forget how she treats me. The >jabs at me in the voicemail are a clear indicator (though this >is quite minor compared to other things she's done/said). The >fact that she called me drunk when I've asked her repeatedly >not to is also an indicator. And though I know that any kind of >surgery can make someone worry, I don't know what he is going >in for and I do know that nada tends to make every minor issue >seem like the end of the world. > >Despite how much I try to ignore her and know that the BPD is >the underlying cause for her actions, somehow she still knows >how to get to me... even with one sentence! She's angry because >I'm LC and uses my LC to say I don't care about anyone but >myself - a statement that's simply not true. I have always >taken care of others, even tried to take care of her for a >while. There just comes a point where taking care of yourself >has to come first instead of letting others abuse you.... > >Can you tell I'm going back and forth between sympathy and >anger?! UGH! > >Thoughts anyone? > >- b. > -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 9, 2011 Report Share Posted August 9, 2011 Your nada knows better than anyone how to push every button you have, because she installed those buttons. She's jabbing you in a tender spot by calling you selfish and uncaring because you are now putting your own needs first, sometimes, and not being 100% her plug-in appliance anymore, to use when she wants to and ignore or abuse when she wants to. So, maybe if you try rephrasing her accusation, maybe it will help. What she is really saying to you is, " How dare you duck when I throw things at your head! " That's pretty absurd, right? Nobody should feel guilty for ducking when someone has chucked a frying pan at their head! That's extra difficult when nada has both bpd and alcoholism. Maybe if you send her either an e-mail or a voice-mail, but don't speak with her directly that would work better for you? Something like, " I understand that you are worried about S**. That's sad that he needs surgery, but I'm sure he'll pull through just fine. I'll call you later to ask how he's doing. Hang in there. S** is lucky to have you care about him so much. " So, you are expressing that you do care, but you're not putting yourself in the position of listening to her verbally abuse you. If you do choose to speak to her by phone, and she starts in on jabbing you, you can always just talk over her and say something like, " Mom, I called to tell you that I'm thinking about you and Sam and wishing him a speedy recovery. But, I'm not going to listen to you say unkind and untrue things to me. If you just want to take potshots at me (if you can't be polite, or whatever feels suitable to you) , then, there are other things I need to be doing. I'll talk to you later. I'm hanging up now, bye. " So, its a good time to utilize " Medium Chill " , is my suggestion. The idea is to express that you care, but not reward her with your time and attention for being abusive to you. -Annie > > Ok, so I got another drunk call from Nada yesterday afternoon while I was at work. I didn't answer because I figured she'd be drunk by then (anytime after noon is almost a sure thing). She left this voicemail for me and part of me is feeling bad for her... > > " Hi, this is your mom. I know you hate me but hey what the heck. I thought I'd call and tell you that S** [her boyfriend] has to go in for surgery on Thursday. You don't like me much and I'm flipping out so what the heck! [dramatic pause] Do you ever care about anything other than yourself? Bye. " > > Part of me knows that she's scared and worried about her boyfriend going in for surgery and she's trying to reach out for support. And I know that if it were my boyfriend I'd be feeling scared myself and want my friends and family's support. That's the part that feels bad for her... > > The other part of me doesn't dare forget how she treats me. The jabs at me in the voicemail are a clear indicator (though this is quite minor compared to other things she's done/said). The fact that she called me drunk when I've asked her repeatedly not to is also an indicator. And though I know that any kind of surgery can make someone worry, I don't know what he is going in for and I do know that nada tends to make every minor issue seem like the end of the world. > > Despite how much I try to ignore her and know that the BPD is the underlying cause for her actions, somehow she still knows how to get to me... even with one sentence! She's angry because I'm LC and uses my LC to say I don't care about anyone but myself - a statement that's simply not true. I have always taken care of others, even tried to take care of her for a while. There just comes a point where taking care of yourself has to come first instead of letting others abuse you.... > > Can you tell I'm going back and forth between sympathy and anger?! UGH! > > Thoughts anyone? > > - b. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 9, 2011 Report Share Posted August 9, 2011 LMAO! I totally burst out laughing in the middle of Panera Bread when I read " You'd feel sympathy for a dog with rabies wouldn't you? " That's such a good visual for how she is sometimes! I'll try to use that next time she decides to go off. Maybe I'll be able to laugh instead letting her get to me! And I appreciate you pointing out that even though I may feel sympathy, its still ok to protect myself. Sometimes that's hard to remember... > > I see nothing acceptable about that message. It is full of > typical BPD crazyness. It is an attempt to guilt you into doing > what she wants and to put herself in the center of attention. > Chances are pretty good that she's creating drama where there > isn't any. " Surgery " isn't much of a description. It could mean > something as simple and common as removal of a mole or a tooth > extraction. If it is something he is scheduled to go in for, > then it doesn't seem likely to be some horrible emergency. > > I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling sympathy for > your nada. You'd feel sympathy for a dog with rabies wouldn't > you? That wouldn't stop you from doing what was necessary to > protect yourself from it though. Similarly, we can't let any > sympathy for our nadas and fadas prevent us from protecting > ourselves. Stay strong and don't let her violate your > boundaries. You know the truth, so try not to let her > accusations get to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 9, 2011 Report Share Posted August 9, 2011 I too, just today, was discussing this issue of feeling bad for my mom with my therapist. Feeling bad for the person who tortured me emotionally. It makes no sense, but it twists your insides and brings on the un-reciprocal compassion. Did my mom ever come to my rescue when I cried for her understanding shoulder? No. But my wealth of compassion still allows me to have empathy for her. She is truly a lucky woman that I still let her into my life...and that she didn't have to bury her daughter when I was suicidal because of her torture and slaying of my feelings and love. I love the rabies reference too...so true and a great way of looking at it when this stuff clouds our heads and judgement when it comes to our moms. I was listening to the Jaycee Dugard interview yesterday. She recounted how her captor raped her, then would cry to her and apologize. This little girl had to console the very animal who was torturing her. I felt the same with my mom...I always had to console her and make her feel better when she needed me, when she never consoled me when I needed it. The only difference...the monster in Jaycee's life was a stranger to her. My monster is my mom. Truly distressing position to be in in this life. I wonder whether I will ever really feel peaceful and content again. Great quote I read... To avoid criticism...do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. How many of you can relate to this quote? It haunts me...I had to be nothing to live under my mom's harsh radar. Amy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 9, 2011 Report Share Posted August 9, 2011 LOL @ " How dare you duck when I throw things at your head! " Yeah, that puts it into perspective cus that's exactly how it is. They are astonished when you stand up for yourself and will do anything to take the balance of power back. Frying pans, plates, televisions... Good suggestions on the email or voicemail and the " Medium Chill " . Unfortunately nada doesn't have a computer (nor does she know how to use one) and she's almost always home to answer the phone. Maybe I'll send a card snail mail... wouldn't make it in time but it could have the same effect and keep me from having to talk to her... If I break down and call her I'll definitely use the language you suggested though. Brief and to the point with little room for potshots. Having a nada with both BPD and alcoholism is really hard. The self medicating just brings out the awfulness of her personality and further masks the BPD issues to people who don't know her. Not only does it enrage the monster within her and let it free to trample on anyone in her way, but its so much easier for people to believe " its just the alcohol talking " than to thinks she's and awful person. Its so infuriating sometimes when people just don't get it!!! Even my current T (which I started seeing a couple weeks ago) seems apt to think she's just an alcoholic than to believe she's got a personality disorder. And while the T seems well versed in alcoholism, she had never heard of the books on BPD and didn't know that support groups for Non-BPDs even existed. smh... > > Your nada knows better than anyone how to push every button you have, because she installed those buttons. She's jabbing you in a tender spot by calling you selfish and uncaring because you are now putting your own needs first, sometimes, and not being 100% her plug-in appliance anymore, to use when she wants to and ignore or abuse when she wants to. > > So, maybe if you try rephrasing her accusation, maybe it will help. What she is really saying to you is, " How dare you duck when I throw things at your head! " > That's pretty absurd, right? Nobody should feel guilty for ducking when someone has chucked a frying pan at their head! > > That's extra difficult when nada has both bpd and alcoholism. > > Maybe if you send her either an e-mail or a voice-mail, but don't speak with her directly that would work better for you? Something like, " I understand that you are worried about S**. That's sad that he needs surgery, but I'm sure he'll pull through just fine. I'll call you later to ask how he's doing. Hang in there. S** is lucky to have you care about him so much. " > > So, you are expressing that you do care, but you're not putting yourself in the position of listening to her verbally abuse you. > > If you do choose to speak to her by phone, and she starts in on jabbing you, you can always just talk over her and say something like, " Mom, I called to tell you that I'm thinking about you and Sam and wishing him a speedy recovery. But, I'm not going to listen to you say unkind and untrue things to me. If you just want to take potshots at me (if you can't be polite, or whatever feels suitable to you) , then, there are other things I need to be doing. I'll talk to you later. I'm hanging up now, bye. " > > So, its a good time to utilize " Medium Chill " , is my suggestion. > > The idea is to express that you care, but not reward her with your time and attention for being abusive to you. > > -Annie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 9, 2011 Report Share Posted August 9, 2011 At first, I had to laugh when I read that vm, because I swear, I have received about 1000 like that throughout the years. So typical and reinforces the fact that this disorder is very real. I cycle back and forth between sympathy and rage. I don't see how that can ever go away, but at least it proves that we are the ones with souls. > > Ok, so I got another drunk call from Nada yesterday afternoon while I was at work. I didn't answer because I figured she'd be drunk by then (anytime after noon is almost a sure thing). She left this voicemail for me and part of me is feeling bad for her... > > " Hi, this is your mom. I know you hate me but hey what the heck. I thought I'd call and tell you that S** [her boyfriend] has to go in for surgery on Thursday. You don't like me much and I'm flipping out so what the heck! [dramatic pause] Do you ever care about anything other than yourself? Bye. " > > Part of me knows that she's scared and worried about her boyfriend going in for surgery and she's trying to reach out for support. And I know that if it were my boyfriend I'd be feeling scared myself and want my friends and family's support. That's the part that feels bad for her... > > The other part of me doesn't dare forget how she treats me. The jabs at me in the voicemail are a clear indicator (though this is quite minor compared to other things she's done/said). The fact that she called me drunk when I've asked her repeatedly not to is also an indicator. And though I know that any kind of surgery can make someone worry, I don't know what he is going in for and I do know that nada tends to make every minor issue seem like the end of the world. > > Despite how much I try to ignore her and know that the BPD is the underlying cause for her actions, somehow she still knows how to get to me... even with one sentence! She's angry because I'm LC and uses my LC to say I don't care about anyone but myself - a statement that's simply not true. I have always taken care of others, even tried to take care of her for a while. There just comes a point where taking care of yourself has to come first instead of letting others abuse you.... > > Can you tell I'm going back and forth between sympathy and anger?! UGH! > > Thoughts anyone? > > - b. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 9, 2011 Report Share Posted August 9, 2011 That detail you mentioned RE Jaycee Dugard's interview, in which she recounted that the man who kidnapped her, kept her a prisoner and repeatedly raped her would then sobbingly apologize after each rape and it was up to Jaycee to comfort him. And yet he apparently was never quite sorry enough to stop raping her, or to take her back to her heart-broken, suffering parents. Poor little doomed child. And your nada demanded that you show compassion toward her and comfort her, but never returned the caring or giving of comfort or encouragement to you when you needed it, and instead inflicted a life-altering type of emotional torture on you: you weren't allowed to succeed at the things you were good at. My nada would erupt in explosive anger at me (and at my younger Sister) in which she would literally scream at us in red-faced, spittle-flying rage, slap us around with her hands, shake us, spank us, and sometimes hit us with dad's belt.... and then when her anger was spent, nada would break into sobs and demand that we come to her and hug her and tell her that we loved her. She would promise to not do that to us again. We, her shaken, terrified children, had no option but to approach and comfort the person who just beat us up. If we didn't she might just trigger into another rage right then and there. (Nada's other post-rage-tantrum behavior was to act as though nothing at all violent and devastating had just happened. She might even start singing a chirpy song. I'd be on the floor shaking in shock and trying not to cry, and my mother would be happily singing. Very surreal.) Then, when I would get sick or injured and needed comforting (I was an active, tomboyish child) I learned to not even tell my nada if I was feeling ill or had hurt myself, because she would yell at me and call me stupid and clumsy instead of comforting me. She 'd complain about how much extra work it was for her if I needed bed-rest. I remember being left alone in a darkened bedroom for so long with nobody to talk to, no TV, no radio (this was before home computers existed) when I had the measles (age 5 or 6, I believe) that I went kind of insane from the isolation. When I couldn't stand it anymore, I left the darkened bedroom and went to my own bedroom to play with something, anything, even though it did hurt my eyes a little (something about measles makes the pupils dilate, I guess.) When nada found me there she screamed at me that I had ruined my eyesight, and not to complain to *her* about it when I went blind later because it wasn't her fault. I think I went into hysterics at being told I was going to go blind and had done it to myself. I don't remember further detail of that incident. It never ceases to amaze me how uncannily similar the behaviors can be, the repeated emotional torture of their children (or the children they capture) from one personality-disordered adult to the next. -Annie > > I too, just today, was discussing this issue of feeling bad for my mom with my therapist. > Feeling bad for the person who tortured me emotionally. > It makes no sense, but it twists your insides and brings on the un-reciprocal compassion. > > > Did my mom ever come to my rescue when I cried for her understanding shoulder? No. But my wealth of compassion still allows me to have empathy for her. She is truly a lucky woman that I still let her into my life...and that she didn't have to bury her daughter when I was suicidal because of her torture and slaying of my feelings and love. > > > I love the rabies reference too...so true and a great way of looking at it when this stuff clouds our heads and judgement when it comes to our moms. > > > I was listening to the Jaycee Dugard interview yesterday. > She recounted how her captor raped her, then would cry to her and apologize. This little girl had to console the very animal who was torturing her. I felt the same with my mom...I always had to console her and make her feel better when she needed me, when she never consoled me when I needed it. The only difference...the monster in Jaycee's life was a stranger to her. My monster is my mom. > > > Truly distressing position to be in in this life. I wonder whether I will ever really feel peaceful and content again. > > > Great quote I read... > To avoid criticism...do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. > > > How many of you can relate to this quote? It haunts me...I had to be nothing to live under my mom's harsh radar. > > > Amy > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 9, 2011 Report Share Posted August 9, 2011 I can't believe an adult would tell a child they were going blind when they weren't holy crap!!!! what a freakin bitch, someone does that to my students and I cut them. I swear I would have a really hard time not killing them! On Tue, Aug 9, 2011 at 7:26 PM, anuria67854 wrote: > ** > > > That detail you mentioned RE Jaycee Dugard's interview, in which she > recounted that the man who kidnapped her, kept her a prisoner and repeatedly > raped her would then sobbingly apologize after each rape and it was up to > Jaycee to comfort him. And yet he apparently was never quite sorry enough to > stop raping her, or to take her back to her heart-broken, suffering parents. > Poor little doomed child. > > And your nada demanded that you show compassion toward her and comfort her, > but never returned the caring or giving of comfort or encouragement to you > when you needed it, and instead inflicted a life-altering type of emotional > torture on you: you weren't allowed to succeed at the things you were good > at. > > My nada would erupt in explosive anger at me (and at my younger Sister) in > which she would literally scream at us in red-faced, spittle-flying rage, > slap us around with her hands, shake us, spank us, and sometimes hit us with > dad's belt.... and then when her anger was spent, nada would break into sobs > and demand that we come to her and hug her and tell her that we loved her. > > She would promise to not do that to us again. We, her shaken, terrified > children, had no option but to approach and comfort the person who just beat > us up. If we didn't she might just trigger into another rage right then and > there. > > (Nada's other post-rage-tantrum behavior was to act as though nothing at > all violent and devastating had just happened. She might even start singing > a chirpy song. I'd be on the floor shaking in shock and trying not to cry, > and my mother would be happily singing. Very surreal.) > > Then, when I would get sick or injured and needed comforting (I was an > active, tomboyish child) I learned to not even tell my nada if I was feeling > ill or had hurt myself, because she would yell at me and call me stupid and > clumsy instead of comforting me. > > She 'd complain about how much extra work it was for her if I needed > bed-rest. I remember being left alone in a darkened bedroom for so long with > nobody to talk to, no TV, no radio (this was before home computers existed) > when I had the measles (age 5 or 6, I believe) that I went kind of insane > from the isolation. When I couldn't stand it anymore, I left the darkened > bedroom and went to my own bedroom to play with something, anything, even > though it did hurt my eyes a little (something about measles makes the > pupils dilate, I guess.) When nada found me there she screamed at me that I > had ruined my eyesight, and not to complain to *her* about it when I went > blind later because it wasn't her fault. I think I went into hysterics at > being told I was going to go blind and had done it to myself. I don't > remember further detail of that incident. > > It never ceases to amaze me how uncannily similar the behaviors can be, the > repeated emotional torture of their children (or the children they capture) > from one personality-disordered adult to the next. > > -Annie > > > > > > > I too, just today, was discussing this issue of feeling bad for my mom > with my therapist. > > Feeling bad for the person who tortured me emotionally. > > It makes no sense, but it twists your insides and brings on the > un-reciprocal compassion. > > > > > > Did my mom ever come to my rescue when I cried for her understanding > shoulder? No. But my wealth of compassion still allows me to have empathy > for her. She is truly a lucky woman that I still let her into my life...and > that she didn't have to bury her daughter when I was suicidal because of her > torture and slaying of my feelings and love. > > > > > > I love the rabies reference too...so true and a great way of looking at > it when this stuff clouds our heads and judgement when it comes to our moms. > > > > > > I was listening to the Jaycee Dugard interview yesterday. > > She recounted how her captor raped her, then would cry to her and > apologize. This little girl had to console the very animal who was torturing > her. I felt the same with my mom...I always had to console her and make her > feel better when she needed me, when she never consoled me when I needed it. > The only difference...the monster in Jaycee's life was a stranger to her. My > monster is my mom. > > > > > > Truly distressing position to be in in this life. I wonder whether I will > ever really feel peaceful and content again. > > > > > > Great quote I read... > > To avoid criticism...do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. > > > > > > How many of you can relate to this quote? It haunts me...I had to be > nothing to live under my mom's harsh radar. > > > > > > Amy > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 9, 2011 Report Share Posted August 9, 2011 (((((Thanks, GS!))))) I think that sharing these personal incidents helps make it clear that some people with bpd are horribly unsuited to be raising children, tragically unsuited, and yet the abuse and the damage can go entirely under the radar because its so subtle and covert. -Annie > > > > > > I too, just today, was discussing this issue of feeling bad for my mom > > with my therapist. > > > Feeling bad for the person who tortured me emotionally. > > > It makes no sense, but it twists your insides and brings on the > > un-reciprocal compassion. > > > > > > > > > Did my mom ever come to my rescue when I cried for her understanding > > shoulder? No. But my wealth of compassion still allows me to have empathy > > for her. She is truly a lucky woman that I still let her into my life...and > > that she didn't have to bury her daughter when I was suicidal because of her > > torture and slaying of my feelings and love. > > > > > > > > > I love the rabies reference too...so true and a great way of looking at > > it when this stuff clouds our heads and judgement when it comes to our moms. > > > > > > > > > I was listening to the Jaycee Dugard interview yesterday. > > > She recounted how her captor raped her, then would cry to her and > > apologize. This little girl had to console the very animal who was torturing > > her. I felt the same with my mom...I always had to console her and make her > > feel better when she needed me, when she never consoled me when I needed it. > > The only difference...the monster in Jaycee's life was a stranger to her. My > > monster is my mom. > > > > > > > > > Truly distressing position to be in in this life. I wonder whether I will > > ever really feel peaceful and content again. > > > > > > > > > Great quote I read... > > > To avoid criticism...do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. > > > > > > > > > How many of you can relate to this quote? It haunts me...I had to be > > nothing to live under my mom's harsh radar. > > > > > > > > > Amy > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 10, 2011 Report Share Posted August 10, 2011 God, that all sounds horrific Annie. My image of you and your sister being screamed at turns my stomach. It's so awful. I'm sorry that all those things happened to you both. Sara > > > > I too, just today, was discussing this issue of feeling bad for my mom with my therapist. > > Feeling bad for the person who tortured me emotionally. > > It makes no sense, but it twists your insides and brings on the un-reciprocal compassion. > > > > > > Did my mom ever come to my rescue when I cried for her understanding shoulder? No. But my wealth of compassion still allows me to have empathy for her. She is truly a lucky woman that I still let her into my life...and that she didn't have to bury her daughter when I was suicidal because of her torture and slaying of my feelings and love. > > > > > > I love the rabies reference too...so true and a great way of looking at it when this stuff clouds our heads and judgement when it comes to our moms. > > > > > > I was listening to the Jaycee Dugard interview yesterday. > > She recounted how her captor raped her, then would cry to her and apologize. This little girl had to console the very animal who was torturing her. I felt the same with my mom...I always had to console her and make her feel better when she needed me, when she never consoled me when I needed it. The only difference...the monster in Jaycee's life was a stranger to her. My monster is my mom. > > > > > > Truly distressing position to be in in this life. I wonder whether I will ever really feel peaceful and content again. > > > > > > Great quote I read... > > To avoid criticism...do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. > > > > > > How many of you can relate to this quote? It haunts me...I had to be nothing to live under my mom's harsh radar. > > > > > > Amy > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 10, 2011 Report Share Posted August 10, 2011 Thank you Sara. My bpd/npd/ocpd mother was truly unsuited to be left alone to raise children. What I mean is, she was married, but she was a stay-at-home mom and dad was at work all day and some weekends. So it was just me, Sister, and nada, alone together. I remember one time, nada was working herself up into a rage at me, and I was so young I wasn't quite able to tell time yet. But I remember looking at the large clock on the wall over the refrigerator and asking in a shaky voice, " I-i-s d-daddy going to be home s-s-soon? " and suddenly nada's rage switched off. Its like she lost track of what she was doing and saying, her eyes lost their focus, and she got quiet and just wandered away from me. On some level, she knew that her volcanic rages and physical abuse of us kids wasn't OK, because she would not do it in front of dad or other adults. So, yes, we need more exposure of this kind of behavior by high-functioning personality-disordered parents. Sister and I should have been removed for our own emotional health, but because it was " just " emotional abuse and nada never put us in the hospital, and because she never did it in front of other adults, it always flew under the radar. She would sometimes humiliate/shame me by yelling at me or punishing me in front of my friends, if I had any over (which was rare, because I was afraid of that precise thing happening) but never in front of other adults. -Annie > > > > > > I too, just today, was discussing this issue of feeling bad for my mom with my therapist. > > > Feeling bad for the person who tortured me emotionally. > > > It makes no sense, but it twists your insides and brings on the un-reciprocal compassion. > > > > > > > > > Did my mom ever come to my rescue when I cried for her understanding shoulder? No. But my wealth of compassion still allows me to have empathy for her. She is truly a lucky woman that I still let her into my life...and that she didn't have to bury her daughter when I was suicidal because of her torture and slaying of my feelings and love. > > > > > > > > > I love the rabies reference too...so true and a great way of looking at it when this stuff clouds our heads and judgement when it comes to our moms. > > > > > > > > > I was listening to the Jaycee Dugard interview yesterday. > > > She recounted how her captor raped her, then would cry to her and apologize. This little girl had to console the very animal who was torturing her. I felt the same with my mom...I always had to console her and make her feel better when she needed me, when she never consoled me when I needed it. The only difference...the monster in Jaycee's life was a stranger to her. My monster is my mom. > > > > > > > > > Truly distressing position to be in in this life. I wonder whether I will ever really feel peaceful and content again. > > > > > > > > > Great quote I read... > > > To avoid criticism...do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. > > > > > > > > > How many of you can relate to this quote? It haunts me...I had to be nothing to live under my mom's harsh radar. > > > > > > > > > Amy > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 10, 2011 Report Share Posted August 10, 2011 I used to get the same kinds of calls from my nada, complete with " You don't care about anyone but yourself. " Arghghgh. I know one thing - an alcoholic isn't able to respect any boundaries when he or she is drunk. So telling someone not to call you when they're drunk is pretty much useless. > ** > > > Ok, so I got another drunk call from Nada yesterday afternoon while I was > at work. I didn't answer because I figured she'd be drunk by then (anytime > after noon is almost a sure thing). She left this voicemail for me and part > of me is feeling bad for her... > > " Hi, this is your mom. I know you hate me but hey what the heck. I thought > I'd call and tell you that S** [her boyfriend] has to go in for surgery on > Thursday. You don't like me much and I'm flipping out so what the heck! > [dramatic pause] Do you ever care about anything other than yourself? Bye. " > > Part of me knows that she's scared and worried about her boyfriend going in > for surgery and she's trying to reach out for support. And I know that if it > were my boyfriend I'd be feeling scared myself and want my friends and > family's support. That's the part that feels bad for her... > > The other part of me doesn't dare forget how she treats me. The jabs at me > in the voicemail are a clear indicator (though this is quite minor compared > to other things she's done/said). The fact that she called me drunk when > I've asked her repeatedly not to is also an indicator. And though I know > that any kind of surgery can make someone worry, I don't know what he is > going in for and I do know that nada tends to make every minor issue seem > like the end of the world. > > Despite how much I try to ignore her and know that the BPD is the > underlying cause for her actions, somehow she still knows how to get to > me... even with one sentence! She's angry because I'm LC and uses my LC to > say I don't care about anyone but myself - a statement that's simply not > true. I have always taken care of others, even tried to take care of her for > a while. There just comes a point where taking care of yourself has to come > first instead of letting others abuse you.... > > Can you tell I'm going back and forth between sympathy and anger?! UGH! > > Thoughts anyone? > > - b. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 10, 2011 Report Share Posted August 10, 2011 My translation of nada-speak " You don't care about anyone but yourself " into normal English is " You refuse to make me the center of your universe and to be my devoted slave. " At 04:09 PM 08/10/2011 Judy wrote: >I used to get the same kinds of calls from my nada, complete >with " You don't >care about anyone but yourself. " >Arghghgh. >I know one thing - an alcoholic isn't able to respect any >boundaries when he >or she is drunk. So telling someone not to call you when >they're drunk is >pretty much useless. -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 10, 2011 Report Share Posted August 10, 2011 It's so so awful. You just wish you could stop it all from happening and ever having happened to any child. What to say...I hope to God that one day soon our society is transformed sufficiently that abusive, mentally ill parents no long retain sole charge of their children. Its just too horrible... Sara > > > > > > > > I too, just today, was discussing this issue of feeling bad for my mom with my therapist. > > > > Feeling bad for the person who tortured me emotionally. > > > > It makes no sense, but it twists your insides and brings on the un-reciprocal compassion. > > > > > > > > > > > > Did my mom ever come to my rescue when I cried for her understanding shoulder? No. But my wealth of compassion still allows me to have empathy for her. She is truly a lucky woman that I still let her into my life...and that she didn't have to bury her daughter when I was suicidal because of her torture and slaying of my feelings and love. > > > > > > > > > > > > I love the rabies reference too...so true and a great way of looking at it when this stuff clouds our heads and judgement when it comes to our moms. > > > > > > > > > > > > I was listening to the Jaycee Dugard interview yesterday. > > > > She recounted how her captor raped her, then would cry to her and apologize. This little girl had to console the very animal who was torturing her. I felt the same with my mom...I always had to console her and make her feel better when she needed me, when she never consoled me when I needed it. The only difference...the monster in Jaycee's life was a stranger to her. My monster is my mom. > > > > > > > > > > > > Truly distressing position to be in in this life. I wonder whether I will ever really feel peaceful and content again. > > > > > > > > > > > > Great quote I read... > > > > To avoid criticism...do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. > > > > > > > > > > > > How many of you can relate to this quote? It haunts me...I had to be nothing to live under my mom's harsh radar. > > > > > > > > > > > > Amy > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 10, 2011 Report Share Posted August 10, 2011 A man I respected very much in AA always talked about how to react to those phone calls: a) say " call me back when you are sober " hang up the phone. Nine times out of ten it's drunk dialing and they won't remember anyway. I guess I respect it coming from him because he was the salt of the earth and one of the kindest people I have ever met. But that was his absolute bottom line when it came to drunk-dialing: zero tolerance. > > > ** > > > > > > Ok, so I got another drunk call from Nada yesterday afternoon while I was > > at work. I didn't answer because I figured she'd be drunk by then (anytime > > after noon is almost a sure thing). She left this voicemail for me and part > > of me is feeling bad for her... > > > > " Hi, this is your mom. I know you hate me but hey what the heck. I thought > > I'd call and tell you that S** [her boyfriend] has to go in for surgery on > > Thursday. You don't like me much and I'm flipping out so what the heck! > > [dramatic pause] Do you ever care about anything other than yourself? Bye. " > > > > Part of me knows that she's scared and worried about her boyfriend going in > > for surgery and she's trying to reach out for support. And I know that if it > > were my boyfriend I'd be feeling scared myself and want my friends and > > family's support. That's the part that feels bad for her... > > > > The other part of me doesn't dare forget how she treats me. The jabs at me > > in the voicemail are a clear indicator (though this is quite minor compared > > to other things she's done/said). The fact that she called me drunk when > > I've asked her repeatedly not to is also an indicator. And though I know > > that any kind of surgery can make someone worry, I don't know what he is > > going in for and I do know that nada tends to make every minor issue seem > > like the end of the world. > > > > Despite how much I try to ignore her and know that the BPD is the > > underlying cause for her actions, somehow she still knows how to get to > > me... even with one sentence! She's angry because I'm LC and uses my LC to > > say I don't care about anyone but myself - a statement that's simply not > > true. I have always taken care of others, even tried to take care of her for > > a while. There just comes a point where taking care of yourself has to come > > first instead of letting others abuse you.... > > > > Can you tell I'm going back and forth between sympathy and anger?! UGH! > > > > Thoughts anyone? > > > > - b. > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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